On Trial 2

I will ask the question but I am not pushing for an answer.

Who is the Doctor involved in cult church in Jersey who also saw me and breached confidences/behaved unprofessionally and also caused me distress in the church, and could easily have further breached my records and used them against me?
Sadly there are two answers, but this time the Diocese should have a better attempt at answering.

Lets go on trial, because I am on trial night and day at the hands of those accusers.

My wrongs are great anger and bad words, not knowing how to treat people and how to relate to people, not being able to cope, not knowing what was wrong with me or how to set and keep boundaries, gullibility and thinking others knew best and would behave honourably.
I am sorry that the Church cannot forgive me and keep causing me the anguish of publicly shaming me.
And I am grateful to everyone who has been kind to me, every little thing, I have never been short of gratitude, even when I had not learned to express it.
God sees what I confess here and I hope He forgives me.
And I hope that the Church see fit not to harm me further.
Being on trial every day is damaging me.

What I have done does not mean that others have not wronged me, but they have chosen to deny this and cover it up.
 

Brief Introduction for new readers, because this is a heavy blog

Introduction for new readers as the statistics go up.

I was part of the Church of England for 13 years, I have multiple mild disablities and was vulnerable due to background and poverty.
I was abused in the church with barely a chance to recover from my fraught upbringing, and was blamed and shamed solidly by the church; all the unchristian things, gossip, cover-ups deceit occured, and my own sin was anger and saying bad things and getting carried away in reaction.

I have been publicly humiliated and shamed and given a record, while abusers and wrongdoers in the Church have got off and excused themselves.

Jane Fisher is a name I frequently mention, she is the diocesan safeguarding officer in the diocese of Winchester despite causing me so much harm through cover-ups and denials, and blame and slander of me.
 She also engineered the police record I now have, but never did anything about my abusers.

Bishop Dakin is the current Bishop of Winchester, and Bishop Scott-Joynt is the former Bishop, neither are Christian or able to deal with abuse, and both have treated me like dirt on their shoes.

The Jersey Deanery are described in the blog, a group of clergy and laity who have forgotten Christianity in favour of complacancy, power and security, but who run the church to keep this power and security.

The Korris report is an inaccurate and distressing report, engineered by Jane Fisher to cover up a cover up.

I am still in hiding from the Diocese and limited by this and the record they have given me.

Abuse enquiries

It is terrible that a so-called 'Christian organization' who get charitable status as well as being a government department, could do such a terrible thing as put their image before the needs of abuse victims, especially in the Chichester Case, where victims were promised a full enquiry, which was used as part of the 'hug an abuse victim' campaign, and then that promise of an enquiry was withdrawn later.
The Church can't investigate themselves because they are are a patriachal oligarchal club.
Why are people still paying for this club to run? I suppose because the main payers are the rich who use the club.


http://freethinker.co.uk/2013/07/10/stuff-your-apologies-what-we-want-is-a-public-inquiry-abuse-victims-tell-church-of-england/

http://dearkitty1.wordpress.com/2013/07/16/child-abuse-in-the-church-of-england/

http://www.lanternproject.org.uk/church-abuse-survivors-betrayed-by-the-church-of-england/

http://www.standard.co.uk/lifestyle/when-will-the-church-of-england-face-up-to-the-abuse-i-suffered-in-their-care-6496457.html

Korris Thoughts and Jane Fisher's boast

How did Ey know what I had said about him? It is highly possible that the Dean was passing information back to EY, especially as PC LeMarquand said someone was forwarding information and then refused to say who - is this what the Korris report was on about when it was said that Ey was 'hearing about me insulting his good nature by saying about him being sacked for misconduct? why did Jane Fisher allow the Dean to continue to communicate information to Ey? And why is the church leaving him in a position in the church under the Dean and claiming that the Dean has acted in good faith in all this?

Why was the fact that I was slandered round the Island not included as EY insulting my good nature or whatever, why was it claimed that I wasn’t discussed in the Deanery or chapter when I was? When I was told by a priest I was!

Korris does not seem to realise that in a then hostile community, I had to speak up for myself and say that this man had done wrong before.

And if Fisher, c/o Korris, wants to vilify me that way, what about what she and Scott-Joynt did in Winchester in slandering me, and what about how they allowed the Warren-Lihou;EY-Dean collaboration against me and listened to them and not me?

In 2010 Jane Fisher was going on about how she was meeting with a states member in Jersey, and although she was very sparse with any information or answers to me about everything else, she repeatedly mentioned this but never told me who I was meeting with or why, and I asked her why she thought it was so special that she was meeting with this states member, she didn't say, nor did she say who it was.

She appeared to be boasting, and it appeared to be to do with my case, so who did she meet with? ILM? Bailhache? Or any others who have been supporting the Dean.

Who did Jane Fisher meet with and why? 

I am sure Jane Fisher cannot object to me speaking about her, especially after she has maligned me and left me outcast, and I am just sharing my side of things.

Crucified

I know Jane Fisher and the haters will use it to make me out to be mad (and in their narrow world 'madness' is a crime, hence the police beatings and detentions and record).

But it amuses me that I will be 33 in 4 days time and have been travelling homeless for 3 year and have faced mocking and torment from the 'pharisees' in the Church of England, basically, am I following the path of Jesus?
Do I indeed have to ride up to Winchester on Good Friday, to be crucified?

Yeeks, someone get a strong donkey and a while sheet, and some palm branches! :)

Nothing learned in 2000 years, the pharisees still govern and still publicly crucify.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MD9rMkIS1yw

one-sided

Jane Fisher and the Bishop did not take my complaint and preferred to spread a one-sided story to places like Romsey Abbey and the Catholic church in Winchester.

So I was shouted at and maligned but the fact that I was abused and autistic was not shared.

And the facts of my side were not shared.

For example I was shouted at for 'all the trouble I caused at...'
 Because  JANE FISHER maligned me and did not give my side of things to the people she maligned me to.

The abuse was not mentioned.

Things never noted by Fisher who used my difficult relationships against me, include JM slapping me because I was angry about the way her Mother and sister treated me over the abuse.

And. Another person used against me taking my toy off me and putting it in the microwave and burning and breaking it, as you may have realised, I always have a toy/s and have mentioned the toys in context of attachment disorder and autism, the toys usually mean a lot to me, and so, to see my toy put in the microwave and burned and broken was deeply deeply distressing, but Jane Fisher has never recorded my side of things and has villified me.

This is a small example.

lets refer Jane Fisher

John Cameron
NSPCC


Dear John Cameron,

I would like to make a referral.

I would like to refer Jane Fisher to you.

I think she may be either a child or in need of being one.

I say this because she has repeatedly injured me in her unbalanced and untrue statements to and about me, has been unreasonable irrational and lacking in responsibility and unable to take responsibility for her actions, instead she has incessantly intervened in my life and violated my privacy, dignity and human rights in the worst possible ways, whilst claiming to care.

Unfortunately, if someone is a safeguarding officer, and they destroy an abuse victim and leave the abusers and the people who cover for them in their positions and able to go on harming the cictim, whilst the safeguarding officer not only condones and backs up this behaviour, but further damages the victim herself, ie getting her a terrible record and having her subjected to police brutality, this safeguarding officer's claims to care simply do not ring true.

Thus I am referring her to you, I am sure she wont mind referrals behind her back to any agency that I can now dream up, all because 'I care'.

sincerely,

HG

There's something wrong...

There's something very diocese with the wrong

They got it the wrong way round

 They let the abusers and wrongdoers off

And drove a survivor into the ground

There's something wrong with the Diocese

They didn't hear my plea

I asked to be left alone

so they ordered the NSPCC

There's something wrong with Dakin

Luther pendragon did the wrong script

So the islands have floated to Dover

And he's drowning in his crypt



(etc until you get bored)

On Trial

I have been on trial by the Church of England for six years now, and every now and then they pass a damning verdict, or try to sentence me further.

The thing is, though, few criminals who deliberately carry out criminal acts are put on trial and publicly whipped as I have been, after being hurt for years, abused in the Church of England, and not one of the people hurting me has faced any real action, no, they keep being exonorated, Bishop Scott-Joynt, Bob Key, Jane Fisher, J and FM, the churchwarden, and those who have defended and covered up wrongdoing.

So, is it a fair trial, where my voice has been repeatedly silenced so that I cannot defend my case, and I write this blog in fear of repercussions and further public harming of me by the Church of England, in reports and press releases, or even police attacks.

I am not sure how they think keeping someone on trial and shamed and blamed and given a record that prevents them from seeking help or even being treated with courtesy is Christian or just.
But they didn't do this to abusers and wrongdoers in their own employ, they only did it to an abuse survivor who they refused to help or investigate her complaints, and they did it because she went mad with distress at being told over and over that what happened didn't and that she was being bad. An example is Jane Fisher saying that the churchwarden was a 'Christian who got things wrong' but refusing to even acknowledge when Bob Key said that the abuse victim was wicked and hadn't been abused, instead, Jane Fisher, Scott-Joynt and Key liased at that very time to get the victim a police record, in the despair and distress she was in.

It is utterly ludicrous that Jane Fisher is still involved and has used the terrible events of the last year to try and force on me further, with the NSPCC, after forcibly tracing me through the police, it becomes just plain ridiculous, that after all this time of screaming against her illegal interventions, and her getting me a police record as a result, she is still, unchecked and breaking the law and violating my human rights and privacy, even though I have made a formal complaint (which has been ignored) and she has been able to continue to harm and distress and violate me, whilst putting me on trial in the public eye, as if preventing me from seeking medical and support services by the record she got me was not enough.

Why am I on trial and waiting for a report that omits my side of things and will only be to cover up and harm me further for no good aim at all. I will not become the person the church of England decide that I should be by being violated, libelled, defamed, smeared, condemned, judged and having to hear untruths from a cliquey community where neutrality and lack of bias are hard to find.
And who there will be on my side? When the churchwarden was born there, has family there and is supported by the Church there, and the Dean is supported by wrongdoing crossovers in church/government/judiciary and Freemasonry, and how do the Diocese know who is biased and why? They don't, so they can get hundreds of damning messages about me for their biased reports, while people on my side are afraid to speak out for fear of what will happen because the most powerful people on that Island are against me.

Here is an example of what the Diocese and their damn reports investigations and commissions do not know and thus can't carry out a balanced report.
But some of the Jersey bloggers can answer this, lets see who answers, Diocese or a blogger:

Who on the Island is a Grand Master of a Masonic lodge, a famous figure outside the Island, related to my abuser, and 'respected' member of a Church!?
 Is this person involved?
 Now, lets see who answers.

Come on Jersey bloggers, that is actually a challenge and I know two wrong guesses that you are going to make! :)

Wasn't it utterly stupid of the Diocese to publicly attack me and the Jersey Deanery? How could they have imagined that using me as a pawn would make the Deanery do things their way? Why did they put me back on trial? There can be no justifiable reason, why launch into an insular closed community and expect an honest and balanced view when you are ATTACKING people?!

Didn't Dakin think what the reaction would be in the 'Island of Secrets'? Didn't he realise or care that the interconnected relationships there could only lead to me being damned and no defence? How can I defend myself when I do not even know enough to tell who is connected to who, fully, or who will be told to say what or produced what mocked up evidence? While no-one will dare to speak up for me, and people have said so to me, but the outsiders looking in do not see that!
Basically Bishop Dakin simply hung me up to be publicly flogged, instead of doing as the Bible suggests, which would have meant talking to his clergy in private, not suddenly headline news that meant I had to be slaughtered to save people's skins.

Footnote for Ginger, Ginger I feel like I been in a train wreck because of having work done on my spine and shoulder today, I can't play theology and I need an early night, I had a new blog sent to me today, it is a theology blog, it is on the links bar and it is called 'Anninos', if you are looking for theological food for thought, it is an excellent blog.

Bob Hill - An honest man

Bob Hill has been mentioned in a previous post about what happened in November.
I guess I want to balance that negative post. I had to post it because what happened in November was awful, and no-one knew my side of it.

Bob is a good, honest, caring man, he fights for social justice in Jersey, the only problem being that he and Mike Higgins haven't quite got the hang of getting permission to make representations and referrals of people, which is really important, examples being that Bob and Julie and Christine Daly went behind my back to make arrangements and that collided disasterously with the Diocese doing the same, with the end result of me being very hurt and angry and no help at all being arranged; and also Mike Higgins repeatedly causing me pain by bringing my case up in the States and meeting cover ups, untruths and libels of me which I was unprepared for.

Bob got his BEM because of his work with vulnerable people, and he continued the good work when he returned to Jersey after leaving the MET police and becoming a deputy in the States of Jersey, he has been a voice for numerous vulnerable people in Jersey, and if only I had known him while I was in Jersey, he might have prevented what happened in the end.

Problems with Bob trying to represent me included the sheer disstance, basically we needed to talk face to face and hardly got a chance to, and with me being on the streets, skype was not a viable option most of the time, we tried skype but the signal would go, even when I had somewhere safe to skype.
Another problem was, it was a big and complex case, made worse by the untruths spread by the Jersey Deanery about my past, so that I spent a huge amount of time trying to explain myself about that and never overcame the blank trauma enough to tell Bob my story in Jersey, and Bob chose to believe the Korris report over my story, and repeatedly told me that my side of what happened with the police didn't, sadly my police records, already distorted by incorrect police recording, were open to abuse by wrongdoers involved, but I told Bob the truth and there would be no point in my lying, but he couldn't accept my side.

Bob's involvement of Julie in confidential matters and as if he worked inseparably with her on my case, without my consent, and apparently with Gladwin and Daly's influence, meant I felt demoralised and as Julie insinuated I was in the wrong in Jersey, I realised I was betrayed. But Bob didn't see fit to apologise and instead, blamed me.

Bob's blogs are very good, but as well as traumatising me, they are not entirely accurate and tend to give his view, what he has heard and read, and debates with other people such as the Home Affairs Minister who is a reader in the church in Jersey, and a friend of the Churchwarden's, according to the Churchwarden. So how could his answers be accurate.

Bob, without any doubt whatsoever, wanted something done about the injustice, he wanted people to be accountable and he wanted what was best for me.
Sadly the obstacles he faced included the case being so complex that he regularly forgot or omitted facts I told him, he sent information to Gladwin and Daly that would not be helpful and he had not been asked to send, he was also, and most importantly, up against super-powerful members of church/state/judiciary/church, who are apparently infallible, invincible and able to get away with pretty much anything they like, as well as being able to get people like the Dean let off without question.

I believe Bob worked very very hard to try and help me, and he took a lot of flak trying to defend me, and I am very grateful to him, I was badly represented by the Korris report and then smeared by the Jersey Deanery while the Diocese stood by like a leaderless and frightened flock, not knowing where to turn and certainly not supporting me. I took some of that nasty flak and libel and slander directly, Bob didn't divert it all, and it has wounded me that people who do not know me, and never met me were self-righteously judging me and condemning me even on church websites such as 'clerical whispers' and 'Thinking Anglicans' (now there's an oxymoron).

Bob, with his firm stand on my side, was a pillar of strength and hope, while we waited for the Church of England to make good the damage they did, sadly they let us down, but Bob's efforts were great, it is just a tremendous pity that he could not take my full story, face to face, and the poor man didn't really really understand me himself.

In the beginning, he told me he didn't understand mental health, he wasn't medically trained, it took a long time and lots of information and my psychological report for him to understand, hopefully, that I was not 'seriously mentally ill' as such, but that autism combined with very severe trauma and psychological harm from my background is what lead to me going mad under the terrible pressure I was under in Jersey from the backlash when I was still in a very bad way from being regressed and abused in Jersey.

The fact I was left regressed and childlike after parting company with the abusive churchwarden played a big part in things, and is omitted from Korris, but being regressed and abused and facing  the backlash was simply too much for me after my background of severe violence and trauma, this, in a small community like Jersey, a complaint against a well-connected churchwarden. I was treated very bad. And so called 'Christians' on websites and in the Church, who have judged and condemned me publicly and to Bob, should be ashamed of themselves, shouyld try going through what I went through with the conditions I have, and see if they do any better.

Bob has put in hundreds of hours of epic work in trying to help and defend me, but the distance and the fact he needed the full story and couldn't get it, didn't help.

Bob's blogs are admirable in that he is very honest and balanced and set a good example to me, he set a good example in manners, honesty and courtesy, which actually encouraged me to try to be the same, notably in my dealings with the diocese, Bob's way of being polite and understating things, as he frequently does, led to me sometimes doing the same, although not always, because I am me, and I am angry about how I have been treated.  But although my letter to the Jersey Deanery was all my own work -well, actually I asked the Holy Spirit to show me what to write, I did base my style of writing on Bob's.

Bob deserves a medal, so it is hardly surprising that he has one.
(I once tried to nominate Philip LeClaire for a MBE medal for his similar great work, but was quite puzzlingly shunned and treated quite rudely by other people who I asked to support that nomination, which remains a raw mystery to this day).

Julie described Bob as pragmatic, and said it was a good thing he was because she and I weren't. I am not sure what the word means, I think it is unemotional and stable and calm.
Bob is very calm and did not seem to understand when he calmly told me terrible and worrying and traumatic things, that I could not be calm, because the trauma I had suffered and was suffering, was too much for me, Bob not being on the receiving end of the Korris, Gladwin and Steel reports did not seem to grasp how injurious these reports could be to a vulnerable and struggling life, especially as the Korris report did me so much harm, and the Steel report was to destroy me on behalf of the Deanery, and the Diocese were refusing to stop it.

Bob is a lovely kind man, very solemn and serious though, one of the main things that helps me to communicate is humour, and Bob was very much a policeman, politician, he couldn't work with me through humour as notable others have and do, but Bob is one of the most genuine, kind and altruistic people I have ever met, and I have met a few.

The November issues and their lack of resolution meant that I couldn't trust Bob, because the level of damage done meant that I could not risk that happening again and could not risk letting Bob involve other people and cause more disasters. His comments about me not having many friends and not trusting people infuriated me, he does not understand that until the reactive attachment disorder is treated effectively, I have to keep people at arm's length or I hurt them, that is a horrible reality, only people who can not get emotionally involved and can trust me to look after myself, and can stay calm if I get upset, can stay alongside me now, sad as that is. And as for trust, it goes without saying, I can't not have a trust problem after everything that has happened, and Bob needling about it does not help.

Bob is a good man, credit to him for every single thing that he has done for me and for others, including the fact that he looks after his lovely wife when she is not well.
God bless him.

A Question for the Diocese

How many other abuse survivors will you or have you launched on and left maligned and smeared and having to use media such as this to defend themselves and tell their true story after defamatory reports and smear campaigns leave them ruined and misrepresented?

What you did was not safeguarding or anything to do with it, it was a very badly failed PR stunt.
You have inflicted terrible damage on me for no reason, I may have a temper, but I also have conditions, and have been in circumstances that influence/ed that.

I think what you have done is terrible, it has injured me terribly and was the most foolhardy and aimless and dangerous action that could possibly have been taken, and I remain suffering the consequences every day, and if you further the damage with more reports that omit me, you will either increase my suffering or kill me.

'Statement' sent to the Diocese on 28/07/2013 and posted on the previous church blog

 The statement below was written for the Diocese last summer, and here I am in March, alive, in one piece, and even housed, after a fashion, but still suffering. Amazing how things have changed, my life feels completely different and my circumstances are very different but I still believe that either the stress of this horrible matter or further efforts by the Diocese, will drive me to an early grave.

Statement:

For two years I escaped, or almost escaped the Diocese of Winchester's violation of my life

Suddenly and shockingly I was traced by some police officer directly before Easter, traced under my new name and left violated and sickened, on behalf of the Diocese of Winchester

Because the Diocese had had a long habit of hurting me and having me attacked by the police, I made a complaint to the police authority for this violation by the diocese through the police, my complaint has yet to be dealt with properly.

I at the same time made queries to the Diocese, who blankly ignored me for weeks.

It was a week after this police attack by Jonathan Swift from Hampshire police that I became aware of the Dean of Jersey's suspension and the Bishop and Archbishop's fake apologies in the paper. This was because I was being bombarded with messages from people who had heard. Including an all-time useless and fake charity called MACSAS who's prying and illegal intervention in my life was much like Jane Fisher's and caused great pain in the past while I was suffering at the hands of the Diocese of Winchester.

and then I heard about the hate campaign against me by supporters of the Dean, this was lead by two people who had never met me, Philip Bailhache and Gavin Ashenden. Philip Bailhache held both church and political positions and used his political position to write a slanderous letter against me to the media, the Bishop and the Archbishop, which the Archbishop swiftly acknowledged and abided by, blocking my emails and having me treated as mad when I phoned his office. Philip Bailhache claimed he 'spoke for all Jersey people' but his media prevented the cries of protest at that from being heard. Gavin Ashenden had never met me but decided from what he knew from the Warrens and Lihous, which was their side of things and not mine, that publicly slandering me and condemning me for the Dean was acceptable and Christian. He is the one who claims that mentally ill people are demon-posessed and that it is acceptable to publicly force the demons out of them in humiliating rituals, and he is the one who loudly went on about me being mentally ill. I find it funny that the Lihous tried to force on me that forgiveness was more important than righting what was wrong when George Lihou chased and shouted at me, because it appears that I remain publicly and permenantly unforgiven over that for the sake of covering for wrongdoers.

I had to tell my church and friends what was wrong because I was in a state of collapse on receipt of the Police email on behalf of the Diocese, which I only read the first part of, which went on about the Bishop of Winchester and historic abuse and how the Bishop wanted to put me in 'local church groups' - which made me furious as I was now a Catholic, was driven out of every church in Winchester and had no intention at all of being ANYWHERE under the Diocese of Winchester's control, EVER AGAIN.

regarding previous point, how can the diocese be so blind as to think that any contact with them, any intervention and any involvement from them would ever be anything but traumatic after the way they have had me repeatedly brutalized and locked up???? It is like your rapist trying to be your friend, it is that ridiculous and humiliating and cringeworthy!

Eventually some chaplain replied with some vague and irrelevant stuff, which included denying that I was now suffering because of hatred coming from Jersey about me, disbelieving me!

So the Diocese had me traced just to fob me off and ignore me? well, no, they had me traced because once their awful badly written and unqualified Korris report was published, people in Jersey put them under pressure to trace me. The Diocese of Winchester were the same cold uncaring Diocese that they were under Scott-Joynt, new Bishop, old ways. They didn't want to know me, they didn't intend to help me, they had done this because they had no choice! and they made it very clear indeed that they didn't give a damn.

The Bishop himself never emailed me in the first month, this vague chaplain waffled on the Bishop's behalf, and he said something about being 'very very sorry in the delay' or something, and that is the only time apart from the self-glorifying 'apologies' in the paper, that the Bishop has done anything resembling an apology, and that is not a proper personal apology, it is words, he never met with me as implied and it caused me great pain when Bob Hill was told untruthfully that Bishop Dakin had met with me and Bob kept on and on asking me if it was true and when I had met with Dakin when I had not. I am furious at being used as a vessel for Bishop Dakin's lies!

Anyway, as this farcical situation continued and the news kept coming from Jersey and Wolvsley continued not to give a damn, I got to know the Jersey bloggers. Who have been the only comfort I have known apart from my friends, and even my friendships have been put under strain by this because since being traced and especially since being threatened by Bishop Tim, I have felt frightened and as if my life is paused and waiting for another beating and detention. And that is the fear that leads me to hope my life will end soon, chest pains over the last few days make me hopeful it will end before the Steele Farce is published because I have no wish to live through that.

Anyway, Bob Hill, a Jersey blogger, BEM, former MET police officer and Jersey politician, started asking me for my side of things, and talking about it has traumatized me, but I told him as best I could, and broke down when he questioned me again and again over things like the 'harrassment order' that I never got, which is to do with Jane Fisher attacking me with the police after trying to have me sectioned and leaving me on the run with my life in ruins and I never got the 'harrassment order'. But I remain traumatized for life by that, especially as that police attack by Fisher was followed by her claiming to 'offer counselling' to me through the police she attacked me with, even though no counselling would have worked at that point and the fact that she had not dealt with my complaint and had attacked me for wrongdoers and let them off the hook meant that nothing was going to help while my life was wrecked and I was broken and the wrongdoers were unpunished. So having to go over that with Bob again and again nearly killed me.

So, I continued to contact Wolvsley, puzzled as to why they seemed to have attacked my life with the police for absolutely nothing, and left me suffering. The Bishop replied through his chaplain's email address, which he always does, and this remains a very very silly and childish game of his, he replied by threatening me and I told him what I thought of him tracing me with the police only to threaten me with court orders, thus condoning the bad behaviour of Scott-Joynt, Fisher and Key, the only people who could have got me court orders, please note that I have no understanding of the police actions against me, only that I am branded mad and bad for life. I know of no court order that this Bishop who had shattered my life by having me traced could possibly have any right to either condone or threaten me with, but he did, and I saw my death clearly that day, because the only way, if this man condones the beatings and imprisonments, the only way I will escape him and his nasty little safeguarding officer who's title is a joke, and their police attacks is through death. So he took away the slight rebuild of my life that had come from two years escaped from Jane Fisher, he shattered it through the police attack and the threats and condoning of the way I had been treated and he shattered my life and heart and left me to deteriorate, as I am doing. Chest pains, chest pains, hope for death.

So, the hate campaign continued merrily, publicly and condoned by the Bishop and his threats, basically if he traced me to damn me like that after ignoring me, he was obviously happy to let me wiped out by the Jersey hate campaign, and yes, he did nothing.

Then he reinstated the Dean and said he had done nothing wrong, and he celebrated with the Dean in the press. On the Day that he reinstated the Dean, he sent me a message, not to warn me he was reinstating the Dean, and not to pass on the Dean's very very empty and vague 'apology' which didn't appear to have any content or be directed at anyone or for anything, but the Bishop contacted me that day regarding my emails to the Diocese for which he had threatened me, he contacted me regarding my emails which begged him to confirm that I would be safe from repeat violations, and the origin of my begging to be safe from violations after the police tracing of me was that Jane Fisher, both in Jersey and in Winchester on my return from Jersey in 2010, had slandered me to all churches in Winchester and then Romsey when I went there, had violated my privacy with police, social services, housing and other services, going behind my back and getting her and the Diocese side of things accross and ruining my name and leaving me raging, for which she had me attacked with the police. I was terrified and still am, that this harrassment for which I have no defence, will re-start, along with the police attacks. The Bishop did not respond to my begging for them not to intervene in my life until the day he reinstated the Dean. He replied in an email subject box saying 'no unsolicited intervention -confirmed' after I had been living in fear and begging to be assured I was safe for some time, and having been threatened.

So the Bishop forcibly violated my life and let me be shattered by his threats, the hate campaign and the clearing of the Dean of any misconduct, could things get any worse? yes.

I was spiralling downhill fast, the confidence and peace I had found in the life I was building and the gentle, steady therapy and the WRAP course that taught me to look after myself even when I was depressed or having flashbacks, was shattered and all the horror of not only everything that had happened, but also what people were saying had happened, ie the hate campaign, the awful Korris report that damages me and my character beyond repair because not only was it published as fact when it is not, but it also omitted my side and absolved jane Fisher of her behaviour to me. This ripped me apart in a way that you cannot possibly understand, I was already simply too psychologically damaged, can you begin to imagine, if you have not been traumatised too much, what something like this would do to someone?! And having to go through everything again with Bob and contact the advocate who let me be destroyed? It nearly drove me to suicide months ago. But the Bishop and Diocese coldly could not give a damn.

So, after a a very very close brush with suicide in April or May, in which I used everything I had been taught at WRAP and every atom of my strength and my loyalty to my friends in order to save my own life, the next shock was on it's way.

oh before I state the next shock, we were all made aware of the Bishop's laughable use of a PR company called Luther-Pendragon to handle this matter. The problem is, it was not just laughable but shocking, because it showed that the Bishop has no backbone but is a figurehead who cannot fight his own battles. Imagine a Bishop needing a worldly, Godless company who charge thousands of a Diocese who a few years ago had to lay off staff because of financial troubles, and this Bishop leaving a hungry and destitute abuse survivor on the streets and threatening her! Horrifying! 

So the next thing I knew was that Dame Heather Steele, a close colleague of Philip Bailhache, Richard Falle and other political and judicial figures who had been involved negatively either in my destroyal or the hate campaign, had 'approached Winchester' and 'offered to investigate', this screamed of corruption and whitewash and yet the Bishop ignored my concerns and other concerns and allowed this to proceed, but there has been a wait of months, and I hoped my objection to this conflicted investigation had been noted, but the Bishop has allowed it to go ahead. He has also licenced a member of jersey police to be involved, even though that is not ethical and my police records, which are inaccurate are presumably allowed to be accessed by Steele through this officer despite my objections, and Steele of course will not ask for my side of these inaccuracies as her aim will be to help Bailhache absolve the wrongdoers and villify me, easy done with the inaccurate records. 

So basically I am left waiting to be slaughtered and this has had a massive toll on my health.

The other side of the investigation, led by John Gladwin, would have also bypassed me if Bob Hill had not made contact with John Gladwin and made contact with John Gladwin again when John Gladwin was evasive and tried to bypass the questions about meeting with me.

A meeting did go ahead, although in 3 and a half hours I was barely able to explain to John Gladwin and Christine Daly my side of anything, it would take days for me to adequately verbalise what happened to me, and that three and a half hours appears to be all the interveiew time I will ever get with the investigation as it was done to make things appear fair after Bob pushed for an interview with John Gladwin, so with my side not adequately heard, the investigation proceeded.

John and Christine went to Jersey and were joined by a lawyer who Bob Hill described having concerns about, and who tried to tell him I was not branded by my destroyal and removal from Jersey. Bob commented to me that he did not trust this lawyer and also that John and Christine had 'let us down' and that I should not let them have my evidence as they would not necessarily be honest and might use the evidence to their own purposes and leave me let down. Well I am let down full stop, because nothing that happens now is going to help me.

I sent the Bishop 20 Questions like Bruce Willings did in the hate campaign against me, never expected an answer as the Bishop had made his stance on me very clear, he didn't give a damn, that was apparent in the threat he made and his reinstatement of the Dean with no warning to me and no attempt to pass the Dean's apology to me.

But funnily enough and probably for show, the Bishop started waffling in subject boxes, saying he would only email me on Fridays, which impressed me, if you can set clear boundaries like that then you have a chance of helping me, because you say a lot just by doing that.

But because of how damaged I now was by the Bishop, and because of my deteriorating health, I read the Bishop's subject boxes which were about how he wanted to email me and I said 'not yet' in many more words than that. But the Bishop knew he could email Bob Hill who was acting as my mediator, but Bob Hill told me that the Bishop ignored him.

The weekly requests by the Bishop to email me left me traumatized because I could anticipate his untruths about everything because of everything that had happened so far. and this wore me down and made me angry as I fell apart more and more from the strain of this nightmare that the Diocese of Winchester had launched on me from the day they attacked my new life through DC Jonathan Swift.

The Dame Steele enquiry went ahead despite protests. Dame Steele, in the very same style as everything else in this nightmare, didn't even bother to be civil or ask for my side of things or introduce herself. She tried to illegally gain access to my legal documents through my former advocate who had allowed the Diocese of Winchester to destroy me.

I was sickened to be contacted by the advocate and told this, sickened and traumatized to be contacted by the woman who had allowed the diocese to destroy me and had not defended me in any way. I was more sickened that Steele had been allowed to continue her biased investigation despite my formal complaints to the police about it being a conflict of interests and that rather than speaking to me and politely introducing herself and asking me to contact advocate Nicholl for the documents, she had attempted to illegally obtain them, which knowing her reputation and this biased investigation and the Jersey way, she will illegally obtain those same documents somehow from advocate Nicholl or another source, and I am helpless to stop her. Despite making it clear formally that I forbade this illegal action.

And at the same time, the Bishop decided that he had ahd enough of pretending to be polite and would try to force his views on me and jeer that I could 'get a friend' to read whatever smooth talk he had whipped up through Luther Pendragon, undoubtedly more smoothly veiled threats like the last time. Neither myself nor my friends will read anything or listen to anything from Bishop Dakin at any point, he had his say and gave his opinion in his threats and his reinstatement of the Dean.

Sadly it was a three-pronged attack, with a further effort from Christine Daly, after asking her and everyone else who to submit my evidence to, repeatedly, my query was ignored just as everything I have said has been ignored. She sent me an email making it clear that my query was ignored and that the investigation had proceeded without my evidence and that what little evidence they had of mine was to be picked to pieces and that I had no further say in the matter. It was already clear that this investigation was a sham. And Christine had previously caused me deep deep distress for which she hasn't apologized,  by taking a note of the EMDR therapy that my psychologist says I need and saying that she would see what could be done to enable that therapy, and then more recently sending a load of incomprehensible nonsense about the help I needed being Autism Wessex and Autism London, as if either of those were therapy or even accessible to me as neither are remotely near me and are NOT the therapy that we discussed. I apologized for my angry reaction but it was made quite clear to me through that that not a single person involved in this cares about my welfare, my distress, my needs, the impact of this on my whole life! This whole thing is like one hell of a horrible way to drive someone beyond reason and to suicide, and I am gritting my teeth and hanging on while my heart and blood pressure go mad! But I have nothing to live for, I am trapped in a limbo, waiting for this awful investigation which excludes me and my side, to conclude and kill me, the only possible outcome of something that excludes my views as the Korris report did and nearly killed me, is that I am to be ruined, I am to be destroyed, I am to be driven to death by suicide or stress or broken heart. I cannot take any more of this, the last four months have driven me to desparation and I know that the more distressed I get, the more likely I am, vulnerable and trapped by the Diocese, to be battered and locked up, which in turn is likely to stop my heart.

And remember, if the Diocese could trace me to attack my life after the Korris report, they could have traced me to include me in it instead of writing that utter rubbish that omitted Jane Fisher's destroyal of me, she is the reason I remain on the streets and that my wounds will never heal, her repeated rapes of my privacy and dignity and her attempts to have me branded insane and put away. The Diocese had my email addresses and the Korris report claims I blocked the Diocese whereas the truth is that I blocked Jane Fisher and I told her both times, in Jersey and in Winchester that I was blocking her because she traumatized me, Korris and the Diocese could have emailed me instead of printing that rubbbish that makes me want to die with shame and with outrage that fisher's back was covered and she makes herself look good while if someone better than her had been in charge then I would not be ruined and none of this would have happened. I would be in Jersey and working and sailing, whereas I live on the streets with scars nothing and no-one can heal.

I have been advised by my psychologist that the current traumatic situation means I cannot have EMDR, and even him working with me is risky because of the high levels of trauma and distress.

I am in a nightmare and cannot take any more shocks and attacks by the Diocese of Winchester. Two years after they finished destroying me is two years too late for a pretence of investigation which omits the very culprit of all the wrong, Jane Fisher, who lied, bullied, was devious, covered wrongdoers backs, blamed me, tried to 'teach me lessons' and covered for people who attacked me on  behalf of the abusers and wrongdoers, excusing them by saying I was not attacked, that I had done wrong and that people had apologized and therefore it was all ok, even though that particiular attack was done on the grounds of slander and gossip, and then Jane Fisher is responsible for the police attacks that have left me with no future, because the brutalizations and detentions scream deep deep in my soul and I will never feel safe indoors again, will never be employable again with a record like that and never be able to live with myself because of it. At age 32, my life is over, and yet I am suffering it all again because the Diocese have used it all as an excuse to launch on me and smash me to smithereens again. I was finished and as good as dead before their attack, but I was peaceful, because I felt I ahd escaped them at last.

And yet they have been allowed to use the police to attack me and violate me despite evrything and they have gone from that to leave me shaking and with chest pains and suffering flashbacks, fury, sorrow and fear, for nothing beneficial to me, just open-ended destroyal and no sign at all that I will ever escape them. It is much more likely that this kills me, and maybe police beatings and detentions will be involved, than the very remote chance that I get to walk away with no further damage, that is very remote indeed, and I can assure you I do not know what I did to deserve this, I was already fully punished in a way that I would never recover from for being autistic, being abused, being dependent, fighting back to wrong treatment and standing up to Jane Fisher's rapes of my life and privacy.

There was no need to do this to me, I would die out here anyway, probably in the winter or when I couldn't get food and my blood sugar got too low, but it would have been peaceful, being driven to my death this way is horrific.

****** - I have been forced to be called ****** again even though it is not my legal name, the one DC Swift violently ripped off me

Bad poem time :)

Standing in Judgement:

Do I think I am innocent
no, my sin is anger

rage against tormentors
real or assumed

Do I think I can do as I please?
no, never, anger is a sudden storm

anger strike suddenly, trauma
feelings boil over, flashbacks

I am injured
can't you see the anger as blood from a wound?

I am not an abuser
I am not a user

I am a repentant sinner
waiting for the Church to forgive me

as God already has
or so Father tells me 

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EQ6QaZcPphM

 

Spiritual abuse musings

Thinking my blogging was over for the day, I am inspired by debate, and am looking at the awesome 'Battered Sheep Ministries website again.
Basically thinking in terms of what Elle and I commented on healthy churches on my recent 'Anything and Everything' post.

http://www.batteredsheep.com/checklist.htmlhttp://www.batteredsheep.com/checklist.html


I will proceed with a variety of quotes about Church and cult behaviour. This is very refreshing stuff, it helps to restore me, thanks Ginger, for inspiring me.

The word of the Lord came to me: "Son of man, prophesy against the shepherds of Israel; prophesy and say to them: 'This is what the Sovereign Lord says: Woe to the shepherds of Israel who only take care of themselves! Should not shepherds take care of the flock? You eat the curds, clothe yourselves with the wool and slaughter the choice animals, but you do not take care of the flock. You have not strengthened the weak or healed the sick or bound up the injured. You have not brought back the strays or searched for the lost. You have ruled them harshly and brutally. So they were scattered because there was no shepherd, and when they were scattered they became food for all the wild animals. My sheep wandered over all the mountains and on every high hill. They were scattered over the whole earth, and no one searched or looked for them."
[Ezekiel 34:1-6, NIV]

 This passage below is tough!

Then Jesus said to the crowds and to his disciples: "The teachers of the law [literally, scribes] and the Pharisees sit in Moses' seat. So you must obey them and do everything they tell you. But do not do what they do, for they do not practice what they preach."
[Matthew 23:1-3, NIV]

"Woe to you, blind guides! You say, 'If anyone swears by the temple, it means nothing; but if anyone swears by the gold of the temple, he is bound by his oath.' You blind fools! Which is greater: the gold, or the temple that makes the gold sacred?"
[Matthew 23:16-17, NIV]

"Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You give a tenth of your spices -- mint, dill and cummin. But you have neglected the more important matters of the law -- justice, mercy and faithfulness. You should have practiced the latter, without neglecting the former. You blind guides! You strain out a gnat but swallow a camel."
[Matthew 23:23-24, NIV]

Jesus said to them, "The kings of the Gentiles lord it over them; and those who exercise authority over them call themselves Benefactors."
[Luke 22:25, NIV]

 I have had all my dirty laundry hung out by the church, whether the dirt is imagined or real, and although I have confessed my sins in penitence and faith, I remain condemned.

"... at any future date, the overseer may drag out this dirty laundry to discredit the disciple or make him feel guilty. That happened to me when I was trying to explain my position. My overseer blurted out, 'I hate to bring this up, but ...' And this was done in a room full of people. My immediate reaction was to curl up and shut up. I had nothing on her but she had a lot on me."
[Churches That Abuse, by Ronald M. Enroth, pp. 106-107.]

As we have seen, all of this authoritarian and elitist projection of power through intimidation and manipulation inevitably leads to very tragic consequences. And these consequences go even beyond what I have just described. Jesus foretold the consequences in the Pharisees' case as follows (verse 34):

"Therefore I am sending you prophets and wise men and teachers. Some of them you will kill and crucify; others you will flog in your synagogues and pursue from town to town."
[Matthew 23:34, NIV]

I cannot imagine Jesus telling us to falsley empower ourselves by throwing our hands out and saying 'fire on you', I cannot imagine Him understanding people lying on the floor whimpering 'Daddy God', nor can I see Him encouraging children to be used in the laying on of hands, or the use of 'sobbing music' or sexed-up talk about us being the Bride' to get people in a hysterical mood, these do not seem like frivolities Jesus would have time for when He came to save us.

 

"Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You shut the kingdom of heaven in men's faces. You yourselves do not enter, nor will you let those enter who are trying to."
[Matthew 23:13, NIV]

http://www.batteredsheep.com/church-speak.html

Excellent paragraph below!  So many times in Jersey 'words' were given to me, and usually I laughed, because they were given as part of the show.

Words of Wisdom and Words of Knowledge can come from God through spiritually sensitive people today. However, these words do not supersede the authoritative weight of the Apostles. The only real way to be sure that a word from the Lord is for you, is if it's the Word of the Lord, that is, Scripture. And yes, even in this, Scripture is not to be used to manipulate people.

Jersey, what can you find there?

Jersey, what does the Channel 4 Advert say?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fO4IME4g1kw

Anything and Everything

Bible: Matthew 6:24

“No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money.

Bible: Luke  16:13
 “No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money.”


When I was in Jersey, the 'cult churches' used to go on and on repeating 'Jersey for Jesus'

But it sounded hollow, vain repetition, along with the other games.

The problem with Jersey is, it is not for Jesus, it is an Island run on Finance, and an island injured by the occupation and not fully healed.
Jersey is not for Jesus, and cannot be for Jesus while it's governance is so conflicted by the crossovers between powerful and influencial figures who can be members of the government, judiciary, church and even financial industry, this group of people who hold too much power and who ensure that anyone who falls foul of one of these elite, usually ends up on trial, and ruined, because there is no fair and impartial governance and judiciary.

Other elements very present in Jersey are 'cult' practices, merged with certain churches, and Freemasonry.

I am not saying all Jersey people and churches are Freemasons or connected with cults, far from it!

But when Tim Dakin launched publicly on Jersey, he didn't seem to have either researched the Jersey culture, or taken into account what he was going up against.
But he isn't the one injured by the backlash, nor is that woman, Jane Fisher, who I guess, masterminded the utterly crazy public campaign against the Dean, which was as far from safeguarding as possible - publicly launching on a vulnerable person who is already destroyed publicly launching on an Island like Jersey, what did they expect, a Christian attitude of remorse and accountability and reconciliation?

Dakin's stupidity did me massive damage and caused the closing of ranks of that political/church/judiciary/masonic clique against me, and led to me being massively injured by a smear campaign run by people who had money, power and legal expertise and had forgot the basics of Christianity, and nothing was achieved.

I do not know how you deal with a culture like Jersey, I couldn't, and it drove me mad and left me thus destroyed, at the time not know why I was treated so badly and my complaint refused and covered up, but I do know that Dakin's way of doing things has left me seriously damaged and achieved nothing in Jersey except the knowledge that vulnerable people can be abused at will and will be destroyed if they speak up.

So, Jersey for Jesus? Or Jersey for money, cover-ups and destroyal of those who speak out, especially using the Victim's weaknesses and vulnerabilities against them.
As happened to me, and to Haute de la Garenne survivors.

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lq6lJsBz9UY

Jersey isn't for Jesus until something changes, until those clergy and laity, who supported my abuser, and villified me, have a change of heart and put the cover-ups and vicious smear campaigns and love of money and security over Jesus' teachings, aside, and are accountable and honest, return to Jesus, and ensure that the vulnerable are not villified by their own mouths.
Jersey isn't for Jesus until those running the Church return to Christianity and leave the love of money, power and ego behind, leave the lack of accountability and the closing of ranks behind.
Until then they are in a prison of their own making, and island prison where they cannot be for Jesus, because they are supporting the Jersey way, which is not Christianity, and the Jersey way is money and power and ego.

'Jersey for Money', is all they can truthfully chant at the moment, because the cost to the vulnerable and poor and marginalised is very high, and the Church of England in Jersey, just as the Church of England in England, is full of well off people, with very few poor, Jersey's Churches, if anything, are worse for this.

Jersey has a Statue of the Devil as a feature, I don't recall a Statue of Jesus, but they can't serve two masters, so they are not for Jesus yet, that 'Jersey for Jesus' chant was another manmade freaky Charismatic/Cult thing, as was their much more frightening 'fire on Jersey, fire on you!' chant, that was very prevelant in St. Matthews and St. Andrews, that used to make me feel physically sick and frightened, because it is unnatural, it isn't to do with Jesus, and to an outsider, it was terrifying 'fire on you' would be a masonic thing or a curse.
I did not like 'fire on you' being directed at me, it may seem like something to do with Jesus to people in these cult churches, but in reality, there is no link or relationship to Jesus, God, or the Bible in it. And thinking clearly about it, Jesus would not have condoned such games. Do you recall him reproving his disciple, Peter, for offering to build booths for Jesus and Elijah and Moses and other things?
'Fire on you' is worse than that.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lq6lJsBz9UY