Friday, 21 February 2014
my efforts to get help, diagnosis and assistance part 2
- Throughout my early 20s, the doctors gave me a variety of anti-depressants which invariably left me ill and didn't help me, the doctors didn't tend to actively moniter me on these drugs and it was a question of either making appointments and feeling stupid and a nuisance or not going back, I was never given repeat prescriptions, and to this day I puzzle as to what a repeat prescription actually is, as I simply have always had to go back to the surgery and beg for more prescriptions each time I run out and I always felt stupid about it, a waste of time. Alternately I would just let the awful andti-depressants run out, and then my work and friendships would suffer a bit less.
- I never got much help or support from the doctors in the town where I went after the sheltered house. It was a youth worker and church people who saw me struggling and almost simultaneously discussed Asperger Syndrome and Autism with me, and lobbied the Doctor to refer me for assessment. At the time, however, there was no facility in Hampshire for assessment and so there was a very long wait as I continued to struggle with life.
- The surgery I registered with next, had good and bad to it, they had some male doctors who were famous for being rude to patients because they were 'old school' and thought everyone just whinged. I was vaguely monitered for depression but was very tired a lot, like I am now. I was offered a chance by the surgery to do a self-help course, I agreed, because I was keen for help. Sadly it was a kind of re-hash of things out of my self help books, and it was all women, talking about their 'partners' and babies, it was very boring, and I didn't learn anything, so when they offered me a follow-up course I said no.
- The strain of struggling with life and anti-depressants became worse and worse as I approached mid-20s, and still no-one had realised I responded badly to anti-depressants, not even me. And so I was struggling and I was being blamed for struggling, my friends were mainly older, well-off church people, and their families didn't struggle and so they didn't see why I should be doing, I remember one of them pretty much telling me so. It is amazing how much I was not understood even by my friends sometimes, they were all very secure and had no idea of the kind of background I was from.
- I referred myself both to the Youth centre for help with various things I needed communication assistance with, and MIND, where I referred as isolated and suffeirng depression so that I could join their social club and outings. I will do another post on MIND outings, as it is another happy memory post.
TBC in further posts.
Dear Diocese
Dear Diocese of Winchester,
You remain ominously silent. My cynical guess is you plan a police attack on me the day you release them reports in order to silence me, and that reconciliation and forgiveness are not on the agenda.
My good leg has become a daily problem with some injury that isn't going to heal now, and it needs to be assessed, my back is even more of a concern, not only with the problem with the mass presumably pressing on my spine, but I also cannot sit without pain now, presumably tail bone, or maybe the same spine problem, and that needs to be scanned for infection.
In my long walk today I could not walk at any speed and was in pain and unco-ordinated, I was overtaken by a man on crutches, yes, really.
I daren't see a doctor in case it leads to me being traced again and hurt further by you, the Diocese of Winchester, who are free to keep coming after me and hurting me, I cannot afford a private assessment. I am treated like dirt by the NHS since your attempt to have me put away three years ago anyway, but can there be an amnesty so that I can see an NHS doctor before this gets worse?
This cycle of health preventing exercise and money preventing exercise and money preventing health and then all those the other way round is wearing me down. I can only walk as I cannot afford swim or phys or anything, and if I can't walk well, I can't keep fit, I am like a vegetable.
Humpf, I wonder what vegetable I am? A happy tomato.
Sincerely
You remain ominously silent. My cynical guess is you plan a police attack on me the day you release them reports in order to silence me, and that reconciliation and forgiveness are not on the agenda.
My good leg has become a daily problem with some injury that isn't going to heal now, and it needs to be assessed, my back is even more of a concern, not only with the problem with the mass presumably pressing on my spine, but I also cannot sit without pain now, presumably tail bone, or maybe the same spine problem, and that needs to be scanned for infection.
In my long walk today I could not walk at any speed and was in pain and unco-ordinated, I was overtaken by a man on crutches, yes, really.
I daren't see a doctor in case it leads to me being traced again and hurt further by you, the Diocese of Winchester, who are free to keep coming after me and hurting me, I cannot afford a private assessment. I am treated like dirt by the NHS since your attempt to have me put away three years ago anyway, but can there be an amnesty so that I can see an NHS doctor before this gets worse?
This cycle of health preventing exercise and money preventing exercise and money preventing health and then all those the other way round is wearing me down. I can only walk as I cannot afford swim or phys or anything, and if I can't walk well, I can't keep fit, I am like a vegetable.
Humpf, I wonder what vegetable I am? A happy tomato.
Sincerely
Happier Memories, parties, outings and things like that
There weren't many happy or stress-free times in my life with my family, there were a few, but we didn't get to go out and do things like normal families do.
This isn't anyone's fault, we were a large family with no money.
When I left home and went to college, I had my first real outings and 'fun'.
I remember going bowling for the first time, when I was 17, to me it was awesome, I was not sure of myself, afraid I would be shown up as I simply had no idea even about exchanging my shoes for bowling shoes.
But I seem to remember that it went well enough for me to want to go bowling again after that, and have always enjoyed it, although I had dire bowling experiences in Jersey.
Other wonderful outings were with Youth Group, we went ice skating and I developed an absolute love for that, I used to skate at every opportunity in my mid 20s, when I was living a few miles from the rink.
Youth group also went bowling, and swimming, and I remember how wonderful it was to be there, to be part of it, to join in, to be included, and they were wonderfully inclusive, they brightened my life.
Ski-Bobbing: This was one of the best Youth Group Trips! We went ski-bobbing on the dry ski-slopes in the New Forest, it was an experience, going speeding down the hill on the ring things, it was awesome fun! And we had a nice meal afterwards, what you call a basket meal, the others were used to all this, of course, and some of them watched the skiiers on the other slope, because a number of the youth group could ski, but it seems no matter how well off you are, fun is universal and we all enjoyed ski-bobbing and speeding down the hill on the ringoes.
Thank you for including me, it made life better for me.
Cinema: I didn't go to the cinema until G. my lovely boyfriend took me to the cinema, and he liked action films, of course, all gangsters and drugs, and his dad was a police officer, so G's dad, driving us home from the cinema, had to listen to us planning a drugs haul like in the movie we had seen, he was most amused.
G. Was a sweet well behaved young gentleman, I must write about him some time. We went out for a few years and never once did he behave improperly. Good man.
But once I had learned cinema and worked out how to get a seat on my own and away from others, I really enjoyed it and went when I could, but not to see gangster films unless I was with G. I prefer comedy and children's films. Although in Jersey, my friend who had labelled me a vigilante, took me to see 'Kickass' because she thought it was my kind of film, and actually, I did find it interesting, I did not enjoy the sequel so much.
Parties:
Well, you have the 21st Birthday story elsewhere in the blog, so I wont redo that.
There were so many parties and events in the village, many of which I helped with, as best I could, I remember helping to do hundreds of bacon rolls and wash hundreds of plates and other things one Saturday at a fundraising event for Romania, run of course by our then Mission Support Leader, the one who was convicted of child abuse and porn, and who I am supposed to be the same as because of my disability, and who the Korris report churned out some incomprehensible nonsense about to cover up and condemn me.
Ah, but that was one of many lovely mornings spent on community events.
The main parties out of the many many parties, were the barn dances, and my friends' parties.
The barn dances were another lovely time for me, having grown up without such events, it was all such fun! the music, the dancing, usually some of the youth group were there, and we had such fun, although they knew what a conga was, and I did not, so they had to teach me.
Two of the couples I was friends with, had Christmas parties every year and various garden parties in the summer, and I loved to help out.
The Christmas parties especially were part of my happier times and certainly part of my Christmas for 10 years or so.
One party would be on the Sunday before Christmas, I think, and I would stand at the door, greet everyone, because this was scripted, and the only way really, for me to be able to talk to people, and so, I would take their coats and put the coats upstairs in the spare room, which my friend referred to as 'my room' because I sometimes stayed over.
When the coats were pretty much done and almost everyone was there (there were always people arriving later on), I would hand round snacks and things along with the family doing the same, and generally I would stay by the door for latecomers and people leaving, finding the right coat for the right person was always fun.
Then the other party at Christmas was Christmas eve, people arriving in the late morning for lunchtime, I think.
Again I would stand by the door, take coats, respond politely to the usual comments about my 'job' of taking coats, and again I would hand out food as well.
Usually I would stay on and look at the tree with all it's decorations, and then it would be Christmas and whatever the plans were for the rest of the day, night or whatever.
The Village also had a Christmas party, the day before Christmas eve, every year, it was more than a party it was a kind of talent and variety show, and comedy, acting and all kinds of things went on, really well done and well run, great fun, although in the end it kind of lost it's magic for me. Again I would help in the kitchen, with refreshments and mainly taking trays of wine round and collecting the glasses afterwards during the interval.
It was a delight and a special time for me, to be part of all that, and although it is cloaked in the sadness of being defamed and driven out and shunned thanks to Jane Fisher and JM between them, the memories were real and remain.
This isn't anyone's fault, we were a large family with no money.
When I left home and went to college, I had my first real outings and 'fun'.
I remember going bowling for the first time, when I was 17, to me it was awesome, I was not sure of myself, afraid I would be shown up as I simply had no idea even about exchanging my shoes for bowling shoes.
But I seem to remember that it went well enough for me to want to go bowling again after that, and have always enjoyed it, although I had dire bowling experiences in Jersey.
Other wonderful outings were with Youth Group, we went ice skating and I developed an absolute love for that, I used to skate at every opportunity in my mid 20s, when I was living a few miles from the rink.
Youth group also went bowling, and swimming, and I remember how wonderful it was to be there, to be part of it, to join in, to be included, and they were wonderfully inclusive, they brightened my life.
Ski-Bobbing: This was one of the best Youth Group Trips! We went ski-bobbing on the dry ski-slopes in the New Forest, it was an experience, going speeding down the hill on the ring things, it was awesome fun! And we had a nice meal afterwards, what you call a basket meal, the others were used to all this, of course, and some of them watched the skiiers on the other slope, because a number of the youth group could ski, but it seems no matter how well off you are, fun is universal and we all enjoyed ski-bobbing and speeding down the hill on the ringoes.
Thank you for including me, it made life better for me.
Cinema: I didn't go to the cinema until G. my lovely boyfriend took me to the cinema, and he liked action films, of course, all gangsters and drugs, and his dad was a police officer, so G's dad, driving us home from the cinema, had to listen to us planning a drugs haul like in the movie we had seen, he was most amused.
G. Was a sweet well behaved young gentleman, I must write about him some time. We went out for a few years and never once did he behave improperly. Good man.
But once I had learned cinema and worked out how to get a seat on my own and away from others, I really enjoyed it and went when I could, but not to see gangster films unless I was with G. I prefer comedy and children's films. Although in Jersey, my friend who had labelled me a vigilante, took me to see 'Kickass' because she thought it was my kind of film, and actually, I did find it interesting, I did not enjoy the sequel so much.
Parties:
Well, you have the 21st Birthday story elsewhere in the blog, so I wont redo that.
There were so many parties and events in the village, many of which I helped with, as best I could, I remember helping to do hundreds of bacon rolls and wash hundreds of plates and other things one Saturday at a fundraising event for Romania, run of course by our then Mission Support Leader, the one who was convicted of child abuse and porn, and who I am supposed to be the same as because of my disability, and who the Korris report churned out some incomprehensible nonsense about to cover up and condemn me.
Ah, but that was one of many lovely mornings spent on community events.
The main parties out of the many many parties, were the barn dances, and my friends' parties.
The barn dances were another lovely time for me, having grown up without such events, it was all such fun! the music, the dancing, usually some of the youth group were there, and we had such fun, although they knew what a conga was, and I did not, so they had to teach me.
Two of the couples I was friends with, had Christmas parties every year and various garden parties in the summer, and I loved to help out.
The Christmas parties especially were part of my happier times and certainly part of my Christmas for 10 years or so.
One party would be on the Sunday before Christmas, I think, and I would stand at the door, greet everyone, because this was scripted, and the only way really, for me to be able to talk to people, and so, I would take their coats and put the coats upstairs in the spare room, which my friend referred to as 'my room' because I sometimes stayed over.
When the coats were pretty much done and almost everyone was there (there were always people arriving later on), I would hand round snacks and things along with the family doing the same, and generally I would stay by the door for latecomers and people leaving, finding the right coat for the right person was always fun.
Then the other party at Christmas was Christmas eve, people arriving in the late morning for lunchtime, I think.
Again I would stand by the door, take coats, respond politely to the usual comments about my 'job' of taking coats, and again I would hand out food as well.
Usually I would stay on and look at the tree with all it's decorations, and then it would be Christmas and whatever the plans were for the rest of the day, night or whatever.
The Village also had a Christmas party, the day before Christmas eve, every year, it was more than a party it was a kind of talent and variety show, and comedy, acting and all kinds of things went on, really well done and well run, great fun, although in the end it kind of lost it's magic for me. Again I would help in the kitchen, with refreshments and mainly taking trays of wine round and collecting the glasses afterwards during the interval.
It was a delight and a special time for me, to be part of all that, and although it is cloaked in the sadness of being defamed and driven out and shunned thanks to Jane Fisher and JM between them, the memories were real and remain.
Being Direct
In Jersey, was I cheerfully trashing the place and swearing and threatening everyone?
No, I was responding to a miserable and shameful situation that I could not understand, where I was being hurt, where I was being maligned in a small community, where the police had brutalized me and locked me up the day they let my abuser go to go round saying he was cleared.
I was responding to living in a community where churchgoers and professionals were so linked that I could not access unbiased services or avoid being shunned and glared at, in a place where it was admitted to me I was discussed and that one particular church leader hated me and considered me evil.
I was under too much stress and could not live a normal life, while the Diocese denied it all and made life worse for me and did nothing about my abuser or my complaints.
The damage is lasting.
I need to share that because I do have flashbacks at the moment to the way I was treated in Jersey and the way I responded.
I think Jersey could be described as a place where 'people get promoted for wrongdoing', that is what I saw happening as my complaints continued to be ignored and it harmed me.
No, I was responding to a miserable and shameful situation that I could not understand, where I was being hurt, where I was being maligned in a small community, where the police had brutalized me and locked me up the day they let my abuser go to go round saying he was cleared.
I was responding to living in a community where churchgoers and professionals were so linked that I could not access unbiased services or avoid being shunned and glared at, in a place where it was admitted to me I was discussed and that one particular church leader hated me and considered me evil.
I was under too much stress and could not live a normal life, while the Diocese denied it all and made life worse for me and did nothing about my abuser or my complaints.
The damage is lasting.
I need to share that because I do have flashbacks at the moment to the way I was treated in Jersey and the way I responded.
I think Jersey could be described as a place where 'people get promoted for wrongdoing', that is what I saw happening as my complaints continued to be ignored and it harmed me.
Inspired by the WRAP post, lets look at some of my efforts to get help, recover, understand myself and be understood, part 1.
- My first ever attempts to understand myself and improve life where when I was a teenager, my Dad wouldn't accept my leaning difficulties and had frequently physically punished me but that had not improved anything, so I bought my own text books from the money I earned doing a newspaper round, and I taught myself. I found that I could teach myself and that learning became fun, no longer an ordeal of being afraid of punishment.
- I was also a teenager when I first found out about bullying, really found out, from a book, and pretty much stopped my sister's daily torment of me. She was a year older than me and had spent my whole life belittling me and making me feel stupid and small. You wonder why I am so irritable? I think that played a small part in it, I feel small and stupid still, but she pretty much stopped when I learned from the bullying book and told her off.
- The first year I spent at college was when I did my GCSE's, and back then I was so afraid of 'The Social Services' and other similar services that I freaked out whenever learning support approached me, because I was afraid that they were the same thing, so I missed out on valuable help there.
- The Second college year was when I left home to go to the Agricultural College, this is when I started to develop independence, although my family still had great influence on me, with my Mum phoning me about 'Jihads that might kill us' etc, and leaving me terrified. In agricultural college I referred myself for counselling, which was entirely against my parents' beliefs and wishes and my Mum was very vocal on the topic, saying it is better to speak to a friend than 'one of them', in that case though, she was almost right, as the counsellor was merely a tutor who earned extra money for the label 'counsellor' and if anything, his involvement made things more complex and certainly did not bring any insight into 'what was wrong', as I had been increasingly aware through my teenage years that 'something was wrong'. I do not know if I directly connected my problems to what had happened in the past then, I think I kind of knew, but didn't realise the depth of it.
- Self-help. Because counselling was not working effectively, I started self-help, through books and tapes. I became addicted to it, and thankfully, being young and autistic, I managed to memorise some social skills from the books and tapes, which did help me, advice like, 'don't go round looking miserable, smile', I learned to smile instead of my face being stuck in an unhappy mask, it did help.
- I also continued to seek help but didn't know either what was wrong or what help I needed. I was not put on regular learning support because I passed the basic skills tests and so they thought I was ok. When counselling at the college didn't work, I sought counselling elsewhere, I went to the Youth Centre in Winchester but they were very vague and their counsellors who were trainee counsellors, did not know what to make of my silence and so could not offer anything. So again I was left with no help and nowhere to turn.
- The college student officer didn't understand me and treated me with scorn, and the feeling was mutual because I really didn't like her or her ethics. She referred me to the college doctor, the first doctor I had actually seen, apart from a police doctor when I was 12 and a doctor friend of my mum's when I was about 11. My parents had taught me that Doctors were bad news, so that didn't help, but when he asked if I was hearing voices because of my hypersensitivity to noise outside and because of the bad view that the student support officer had of me being 'odd' and not fitting in, I was furious, and again, there was no help available. Horrifying prejudiced perceptions, but as I was not hearing voices, the end result was me upset, angry, believing that my parents could be right about doctors, and with no help.
- When JM burst onto the scene and tried to take over the college, she also liased with the student welfare officer and as a result I nearly abandoned my request to see JM, I did end up seeing her though, and she swiftly crossed boundaries, took me home, and stopped being my counsellor and told me she was like a surrogate mum for me. Fine, but then I was without counselling again.
- When I left college, I was on anti-depressants and seeing the doctor every fortnight, the same doctor who had let me and a friend of mine down. I did not have faith in him, didn't like him, didn't know I had a choice and could change doctors, seeing him was not benefitting me, and the anti-depressants were leaving me in the confused and vulnerable haze that allowed FM to abuse me. Basically anti-depressants made me ill from the start and didn't help, but you trust doctors and medicines, I guess, you think they cannot be wrong, even me, with my background, I did as I was told and took these anti-depressants and was ill all the time, as well as having FM's advances and a crisis situation whereby I had left college and had no idea of the future.
- JM claimed that anger management could only be accessed in Hampshire if you were in the prison. She was mistaken, and I started paying most of my benefits to see an anger management psychologist, but sadly I couldn't afford to keep that up. Later, recently it turned out he was available on the NHS, but I am sure he wasn't at the time.
- I joined a creative writing class to see if that would help me work some things out, but it was run by one of the tutors from the agricultural college, and so I was always ashamed to share my work, in view of the fact that back then, the college simply had not understood me. I quit the class for the same reason.
- I started studying psychology as a correspondence course and learned about autism from that and was increasingly sure I was on the spectrum, but at the time I had no idea how to get diagnosis, the doctor was basically not interested in me and my problems, and my appointments with him were a drag, so I never dared to ask him, he did only a few helpful things when i saw him, and these were not to do with mental health, he diagnosed me with hayfever and he gave me antibiotics for my tonsils, which regularly flare up and cause me problems to this day, I have got bored with taking my tonsils to the doctor, I just wash them with TCP instead.
JM claimed that autism was 'just a label' that would prevent me from taking responsibility for my behaviour', the fact that she had so much influence in my life meant she won about that and she continued to make me out to be 'difficult' to people in the parish, sharing my college problems and basically blatantly breaching every confidence possible, for which the diocese did not have her publicly flogged when they flogged me for 'causing her problems' in 2011. - So, undiagnosed and with no form of therapeutic help, I was in 'sheltered housing', which was another form of help that wasn't. I had agreed to the referral and JM had done it, because she said her friend ran the sheltered house, as it was, her friend had gone on permenant sick leave, leaving an agency support worker who came in on weekdays, in charge of the house. The agency support worker liked to party, got PMT, took it out on us, I was there for a matter of months and not receiving any benefit or support from being in such an environment, rather deteriorating as I watched or got caught up in, the other residents rows and problems, I did, however see the similarities between myself and two autistic residents there. But after a few months in the house, and a few months in the transition flat, I moved independently into independent lodgings, where I remained for years.
- So, newly independent, I worked in supported employment and continued to seek help and to try and develop myself.
- In the town I moved to, I registered with an awful surgery, but there wasn't much choice there. The doctors were always both late and impatient. I was left with an injury from work that I was told to go back t owork with, doing lasting damage, and was eventually, too late, referred for NHS physio, which didn't repair it, although the physio noticed I was lopsided, she and others never thought to check if I had leg length syndrome, which would have saved a lot of pain a long time ago if they had. Anyway, NHS physio didn't work and I was left injured until I paid to go to a private clinic, where the injury was mended by re-aligning the out of place components.
- I did short courses at work on 'confidence building', 'communication skills' and 'teamwork', but did not find them very beneficial, as my communication did not improve, and 'communication skills' was geared up to making presentations rather than interpersonal skills, and I was scared of the rest of the group because I did not know them and still didn't know how to be with people.
- Basically not a lot of help was available in those few years, I continued to work very hard on my self-help instead. and as well as that, I broke away from my parents influence, with my Dad shouting at me that 'The Church of England were brainwashing me!', having found out about my association with them, well he was mistaken about that, but the Church of England have done their share of harm and I can now understand why my parents disliked the Church of England, although their views were quite extreme.
- One of JM's church members, very feminist and 'frothy' (JM's way of describing airy-fairy), decided she was my 'counsellor' untrained and with no supervision or qualification or permission from the church, where she held various positions. She would make me sit there, and I was supposed to talk, but as ever, I had no idea how to do this (funnily enough, I still can't talk to my therapist unless she asks me questions, I am very reactive and not very proactive when it comes to speaking and making contact verbally). Anyway, this frothy woman, who is still around in Winchester, would get me to sit there in her office as if she was counselling me, no contract or explanation, she just actively made a habit of it, rather than me seeing her and her husband for a cuppa, she would get me to go and sit in her office and talk. It was always embarrassing.
It was also unethical as she wasn't trained for what she was trying to do and her prejudices were so extreme and so awful. JM, breaching counselling confidences herself, had given her opinion of me to this woman and she repeated them back, in what became a feature of the way the church of england treated me from start to now, prejudice, rumours and condemnation, I was not allowed to develop and grow from who I was when I struggled at college, just as the Diocese and Deanery's attack on me has not let me grow from the terrible state I was in in Jersey.
Anyway, this woman would make me sit there, and she would tell me I shouldn't be doing the kind of work I did because I was female, shocking prejudices that don't belong in counselling, she was so 'us girls and them men!' when I don't think like that at all, I am not feminist or in favour of segregation, I just think people should live.
Anyway, I told this woman about FM abusing me, but nothing was done, I told her in 2001 or 2002, but last time I saw her, she and her husband (now deceased) were with FM, laughing at me as I was homeless and shamed on the streets of Winchester in 2010.
I will stop for now as I am so disgusted. The Diocese have never dealt with any of this or taken my side and my account of things at all, they would whip me when these neurotypical people in authority in their churches have behaved as they have!
The Apologist 2
To all and anyone who I have ever offended or distressed, I am sorry.
I do not pick fights, am not violent, I do react to how people treat me.
And sometimes I vastly overreact.
Behind my anger is pain and fear.
I do not know why you hurt me, I am afraid because I have been hurt.
I do not understand why I am always to blame, always the one who is sorry.
Over and over again I know that abuse and abuse of trust are not my fault, but when I apologize for my reaction, I do not get an apology in reply.
I carry the burden of every burst of anger, every cross word I have uttered,
but the consistent thing about neurotypical people is that they don't carry what they have done to me,
they don't apologize and they do not take responsibility,
I am eaten up with shame, every day of my life,
but no-one else ever is.
It is funny, well not really, but it makes me long to be 'normal'
and shrug off my wrongs and pass them on to someone else.
The Diocese has put me in the centre of the Circus and whipped me for my anger
but that has not cured me,
if anything it has made me worse
more angry and more guilt and shame ridden,
but I am not violent
do not intend anger and do not see fights
I react
and as yet,
in the ongoing stress of the situation
there is no hope of curing my tendency to lash out
because the stress is preventing healing
and my anger comes from wounds
I do not pick fights, am not violent, I do react to how people treat me.
And sometimes I vastly overreact.
Behind my anger is pain and fear.
I do not know why you hurt me, I am afraid because I have been hurt.
I do not understand why I am always to blame, always the one who is sorry.
Over and over again I know that abuse and abuse of trust are not my fault, but when I apologize for my reaction, I do not get an apology in reply.
I carry the burden of every burst of anger, every cross word I have uttered,
but the consistent thing about neurotypical people is that they don't carry what they have done to me,
they don't apologize and they do not take responsibility,
I am eaten up with shame, every day of my life,
but no-one else ever is.
It is funny, well not really, but it makes me long to be 'normal'
and shrug off my wrongs and pass them on to someone else.
The Diocese has put me in the centre of the Circus and whipped me for my anger
but that has not cured me,
if anything it has made me worse
more angry and more guilt and shame ridden,
but I am not violent
do not intend anger and do not see fights
I react
and as yet,
in the ongoing stress of the situation
there is no hope of curing my tendency to lash out
because the stress is preventing healing
and my anger comes from wounds
WRAP
Someone asked me what WRAP was.
WRAP is Wellness Recovery Action Plan, I think.
I did WRAP probably a year or 18 months ago.
I did it to help me cope with times when depression, despair and flashbacks stopped me functioning properly.
I can recommend WRAP, because it is easy to understand and use, basic and simple and effective.
I have been using it as best I can this week, although it is hard to do anything good when you have no money. But I can use the basic day-to-day maintenance plan.
WRAP was designed by illness and disability sufferers as a strategy for coping when life is hard, it has been used by people with physical and mental illnesses, it can be used for trauma sufferers, amputees, people with depression and a wide variety of challenges.
The basic day-to-day maintenance plan encourages you to remember to eat, wash, look after your appearance, rest, talk to someone, watch television, it encourages you not to stay in a stupor of hopelessness which drags you down further, and I do find that I am better when I get myself to look after myself and my room.
WRAP is good. I am often cynical of 'mental health' programmes, but WRAP is for anyone who is struggling, and was created by people who had challenges, and is real-life help.
I can recommend it, it helped me when not much else was helping me.
WRAP is Wellness Recovery Action Plan, I think.
I did WRAP probably a year or 18 months ago.
I did it to help me cope with times when depression, despair and flashbacks stopped me functioning properly.
I can recommend WRAP, because it is easy to understand and use, basic and simple and effective.
I have been using it as best I can this week, although it is hard to do anything good when you have no money. But I can use the basic day-to-day maintenance plan.
WRAP was designed by illness and disability sufferers as a strategy for coping when life is hard, it has been used by people with physical and mental illnesses, it can be used for trauma sufferers, amputees, people with depression and a wide variety of challenges.
The basic day-to-day maintenance plan encourages you to remember to eat, wash, look after your appearance, rest, talk to someone, watch television, it encourages you not to stay in a stupor of hopelessness which drags you down further, and I do find that I am better when I get myself to look after myself and my room.
WRAP is good. I am often cynical of 'mental health' programmes, but WRAP is for anyone who is struggling, and was created by people who had challenges, and is real-life help.
I can recommend it, it helped me when not much else was helping me.
'A friend like Henry'/autism and life
I have just finished reading 'A friend like Henry', it is a big book so it took me from Sunday to this morning to read.
The book is also a film called 'After Thomas' which is often showed on Television, and the film and the book are very similar as they are from a true story.
What the book shows is that parents' love and care can make a profound difference to a child with autism.
My parents, especially when I was younger, did not believe in learning difficulties or disabilities, and corrected everything with punishment, usually physical. Thus I not only had autism but was punished for it regularly, and the Church of England pretty much followed in the same vein.
So I have grown up ashamed to be me, I have been 100 times more ashamed to be me since Jane Fisher's whipping and defamation of me in Jersey and Winchester, she reinforced JM's message that I was as bad or worse than an abuser for my disability intolerably and concretely.
I am glad for Dale and Amy, the children in the book 'A friend like Henry' that their parents, under the terrible stress of denial from authorities and having to cope daily with their children's problems, persevered and did wonderfully well for their children and in turn their children thrived.
Credit to them! :)
Since my bad experience of Autism Jersey, of which my side remains untold. I do not see any point in autism societies, I cannot bond with them or engage with them and they lean towards unhelpful actions which add to my stress, for example the NAS threatening to set social services on me, when I am council house trash, abusing children or need a leech hanging onto me, I will agree to social services making my life worse, until then, I am already overloaded and do not need an extra burden.
I have to live my life as best I can now, and I do it by keeping routine and keeping known stresses to a minimum.
Dale, despite his incredible and admirable progress, that he and his parents and Henry deserve a lot of credit for, did not stop being autistic. And despite my increased social and communication skills, neither have I.
When I was younger, living in Hampshire, until I was diagnosed and even after that, I did not know what caused me stress or how to control the stress, I did not know how to act in social situations, but since most of my socialising was in the wealthy middle class Church of England setting, I fell into the role of coat-taker and waitress at the parties that my friends held, although I still suffered exhaustion from the parties, having a role and being focussed on it gave me the ability to interact with people.
I guess some of those parties would make a happy memory later?
In my life now, as you may have seen from the Day to Day blog, although trying to run a low-stimulation life does not completely dominate my life, it does help.
Socialisation and human contact are stresses for me, hence Sunday, Monday and Tuesday being my social days, and me being a bit put out by having to interact yesterday.
Being in my own little world is the most calming and healing thing there is, especially after the battering my life has taken in the last few years.
But equally, being alone with the continuing harm from the Church of England is not good for me, so I do need my social days.
I try to keep my environment at the right temperature as I can get very sick if I get hot, my Dad, also on the spectrum, used to get very sick if he got cold. This is why I comment sadly on losing the winter.
I do not like some noises, sharp or loud or sudden noises and I am very noise sensetive, and I have learned even in the last month to cope with wearing earplugs at night to help me to settle and sleep. I have great difficulty sleeping indoors but I know it is safe to wear earplugs in here even if I don't like to, and though they tend to help me sleep, they tend to have fallen out during the night as I am so busy in my sleep.
You see some autistic children with ear muffs to help them cope with noise.
So, in the old days, when I had no understanding of what was wrong with me, I did not know that I reacted too strongly, did not know what I reacted to, and did not know how to help myself, but these days, I am much more aware of what is wrong and why, so often I change a situation or leave it in order to avert a meltdown.
But it remains that I have been misunderstood by the world and especially by the Church of England, for my actions all my adult life, even though I am quite high functioning and these days careful not to overreact if I can help it.
Eye contact, a classical sign of autism is lack of eye contact, or in Asperger Syndrome sometimes you can end up with too much eye contact, staring, looking through people.
I never made eye contact when I was younger, I used to stare at a mirror for hours and still not see myself.
It was JM who taught me eye contact, she used to put her hand under my chin and get me to look at her, all the time, which would be completely unethical and crossing all counselling/clerical boundaries, but she did a lot more than that that crossed boundaries and it wasn't a bad thing that she encouraged eye contact, although it was uncomfortable for me.
She achieved getting me to look at people, although it remains hit and miss, but this is when I discovered faces, and started drawing my little cartoons, I had had no idea about people having eyes and faces before, I was fascinated!
My speech started improving with the help of a very good therapist who who worked with abuse and trauma, and made another leap forward in improving while I was suffering trauma in Jersey, for unknown reasons.
Autism still isn't as understood as it needs to be, although most people know something about autism these days, but if I say I am on the autism spectrum, that can baffle people, and if I do as some people on the spectrum do, and 'hide' my autism, I seem to be much more open to being misunderstood and causing upset..
An example of this was the chef at work, always cheerful and loud, shouting hello to me and gettking offended because he thought I wouldn't reply, although I was struggling to process his words and reply because of slight dyspasia linked to the Autism spectrum.
When I explained this to him, he stopped being cross and was kind.
People ask how I could live with being autistic and homeless, and that is understandable. It was easy, I felt safer from the Diocese and police out there, I could sleep comfortably on the ground and my spine was held in place by the firm ground, while sleeping in a bed remains uncomfortable, I was much more in control of temperature outdoors, I would wrap up in my blanket pile and breathe the clean air and sleep sweetly, and I long for that now as I battle to sleep every night indoors.
I was well looked after by other homeless, outreach and churches on the streets, and I could spend as much time as I liked alone and drifting in my little world out there.
I had my routines, that were easy to re-establish when I moved from one town to another.
Ah, I wish i could have one night of sleep like that on the streets! Oh the cold and the dark and the quiet, I want it back!
Anyway, to conclude, the Church pretty much has always denied my condition or made it equal to or worse than, peadophilia. Starting with JM's statement that I would be judged the same as our peadophile youth leader by God.
God would judge me the same as an abuser? This is how JM put it to me, and refused to refute that.
And in everything Jane Fisher and the Bishops have done to destroy and defame me while protecting my abusers, they also state that.
I do not believe a condition like autism that someone is born with, is the same as a man knowingly targetting children and vulnerable people and using them for sexual activity.
I do not want to be how I am, and sometimes I see faint glimpses or have dreams, of a life where I am not like this, I wake from those dreams feeling devastated, because no matter what I do, I cannot change this and be how other people can be, living a life where you don't have to avoid stimulation and worry about meltdown and prepare in advance for each journey and each change in life.
I do not know if Dale went on to be able to live without advance preparation for each new thing, or if he still had times when he could not cope or was not understood, he actually, with the wonderful support he had, seemed to go on to a much more successful life than me. I think he and his parents deserve medals, and I hope they do not mind me writing about them to facilitate my telling of how autism affects me.
In Jersey, being regressed by the Churchwarden and his 'healing' when he had no training and was supposed to be under observation from his church, was profoundly damaging, I remained regressed and wounded by their awful church, not knowing that he was supposed to be being supervised because of previous behaviour, but he was not only not being supervised, he was being allowed to separate me from the rest of the church and discuss my 'problems' in a way that left me isolated and shunned, he was being allowed to discuss 'my problems' with the vicar and his wife, in an intrusive way, and I reacted.
And when I left the churchwarden and his wife, he still felt me up when I went to see him because I was concerned about what he had done and his lack of responsibility, I still had not been made aware of his past.
I was left emotionally and psychologically damaged and without adequate support when I reported the churchwarden, I was shunned in the community, no matter how Jane Fisher denies it, and the stress was simply too much, would have been too much for anyone from a background like mine and having found her 'family' only to be abused and dumped.
As someone on the autism spectrum, the denials and shunning were simply too much, and it caused an uber-meltdown.
Which continues to cause me to be treated as worse than an abuser by the Church of England, or even as worse than their clergy who have behaved unethically and without a shred of Christianity in order to cover up the wrongdoing around me reporting the case.
Glaringly, the church have interviewed those clergy with their legal expertise and their lawyers and omitted my side from any report.
Again and again they state like that, that autism is a crime and wrongdoing by clergy and church officers is not and is excusable.
And apparently, according to Bob Hill, Dame Steel claims there is nothing wrong with me and I am just a troublemaker.
She didn't interview me but interviewed someone with an interest in protecting the wrongdoers who has never even met me but is a trained lawyer as well as being a clergyman in the Deanery of Jersey.
The book is also a film called 'After Thomas' which is often showed on Television, and the film and the book are very similar as they are from a true story.
What the book shows is that parents' love and care can make a profound difference to a child with autism.
My parents, especially when I was younger, did not believe in learning difficulties or disabilities, and corrected everything with punishment, usually physical. Thus I not only had autism but was punished for it regularly, and the Church of England pretty much followed in the same vein.
So I have grown up ashamed to be me, I have been 100 times more ashamed to be me since Jane Fisher's whipping and defamation of me in Jersey and Winchester, she reinforced JM's message that I was as bad or worse than an abuser for my disability intolerably and concretely.
I am glad for Dale and Amy, the children in the book 'A friend like Henry' that their parents, under the terrible stress of denial from authorities and having to cope daily with their children's problems, persevered and did wonderfully well for their children and in turn their children thrived.
Credit to them! :)
Since my bad experience of Autism Jersey, of which my side remains untold. I do not see any point in autism societies, I cannot bond with them or engage with them and they lean towards unhelpful actions which add to my stress, for example the NAS threatening to set social services on me, when I am council house trash, abusing children or need a leech hanging onto me, I will agree to social services making my life worse, until then, I am already overloaded and do not need an extra burden.
I have to live my life as best I can now, and I do it by keeping routine and keeping known stresses to a minimum.
Dale, despite his incredible and admirable progress, that he and his parents and Henry deserve a lot of credit for, did not stop being autistic. And despite my increased social and communication skills, neither have I.
When I was younger, living in Hampshire, until I was diagnosed and even after that, I did not know what caused me stress or how to control the stress, I did not know how to act in social situations, but since most of my socialising was in the wealthy middle class Church of England setting, I fell into the role of coat-taker and waitress at the parties that my friends held, although I still suffered exhaustion from the parties, having a role and being focussed on it gave me the ability to interact with people.
I guess some of those parties would make a happy memory later?
In my life now, as you may have seen from the Day to Day blog, although trying to run a low-stimulation life does not completely dominate my life, it does help.
Socialisation and human contact are stresses for me, hence Sunday, Monday and Tuesday being my social days, and me being a bit put out by having to interact yesterday.
Being in my own little world is the most calming and healing thing there is, especially after the battering my life has taken in the last few years.
But equally, being alone with the continuing harm from the Church of England is not good for me, so I do need my social days.
I try to keep my environment at the right temperature as I can get very sick if I get hot, my Dad, also on the spectrum, used to get very sick if he got cold. This is why I comment sadly on losing the winter.
I do not like some noises, sharp or loud or sudden noises and I am very noise sensetive, and I have learned even in the last month to cope with wearing earplugs at night to help me to settle and sleep. I have great difficulty sleeping indoors but I know it is safe to wear earplugs in here even if I don't like to, and though they tend to help me sleep, they tend to have fallen out during the night as I am so busy in my sleep.
You see some autistic children with ear muffs to help them cope with noise.
So, in the old days, when I had no understanding of what was wrong with me, I did not know that I reacted too strongly, did not know what I reacted to, and did not know how to help myself, but these days, I am much more aware of what is wrong and why, so often I change a situation or leave it in order to avert a meltdown.
But it remains that I have been misunderstood by the world and especially by the Church of England, for my actions all my adult life, even though I am quite high functioning and these days careful not to overreact if I can help it.
Eye contact, a classical sign of autism is lack of eye contact, or in Asperger Syndrome sometimes you can end up with too much eye contact, staring, looking through people.
I never made eye contact when I was younger, I used to stare at a mirror for hours and still not see myself.
It was JM who taught me eye contact, she used to put her hand under my chin and get me to look at her, all the time, which would be completely unethical and crossing all counselling/clerical boundaries, but she did a lot more than that that crossed boundaries and it wasn't a bad thing that she encouraged eye contact, although it was uncomfortable for me.
She achieved getting me to look at people, although it remains hit and miss, but this is when I discovered faces, and started drawing my little cartoons, I had had no idea about people having eyes and faces before, I was fascinated!
My speech started improving with the help of a very good therapist who who worked with abuse and trauma, and made another leap forward in improving while I was suffering trauma in Jersey, for unknown reasons.
Autism still isn't as understood as it needs to be, although most people know something about autism these days, but if I say I am on the autism spectrum, that can baffle people, and if I do as some people on the spectrum do, and 'hide' my autism, I seem to be much more open to being misunderstood and causing upset..
An example of this was the chef at work, always cheerful and loud, shouting hello to me and gettking offended because he thought I wouldn't reply, although I was struggling to process his words and reply because of slight dyspasia linked to the Autism spectrum.
When I explained this to him, he stopped being cross and was kind.
People ask how I could live with being autistic and homeless, and that is understandable. It was easy, I felt safer from the Diocese and police out there, I could sleep comfortably on the ground and my spine was held in place by the firm ground, while sleeping in a bed remains uncomfortable, I was much more in control of temperature outdoors, I would wrap up in my blanket pile and breathe the clean air and sleep sweetly, and I long for that now as I battle to sleep every night indoors.
I was well looked after by other homeless, outreach and churches on the streets, and I could spend as much time as I liked alone and drifting in my little world out there.
I had my routines, that were easy to re-establish when I moved from one town to another.
Ah, I wish i could have one night of sleep like that on the streets! Oh the cold and the dark and the quiet, I want it back!
Anyway, to conclude, the Church pretty much has always denied my condition or made it equal to or worse than, peadophilia. Starting with JM's statement that I would be judged the same as our peadophile youth leader by God.
God would judge me the same as an abuser? This is how JM put it to me, and refused to refute that.
And in everything Jane Fisher and the Bishops have done to destroy and defame me while protecting my abusers, they also state that.
I do not believe a condition like autism that someone is born with, is the same as a man knowingly targetting children and vulnerable people and using them for sexual activity.
I do not want to be how I am, and sometimes I see faint glimpses or have dreams, of a life where I am not like this, I wake from those dreams feeling devastated, because no matter what I do, I cannot change this and be how other people can be, living a life where you don't have to avoid stimulation and worry about meltdown and prepare in advance for each journey and each change in life.
I do not know if Dale went on to be able to live without advance preparation for each new thing, or if he still had times when he could not cope or was not understood, he actually, with the wonderful support he had, seemed to go on to a much more successful life than me. I think he and his parents deserve medals, and I hope they do not mind me writing about them to facilitate my telling of how autism affects me.
In Jersey, being regressed by the Churchwarden and his 'healing' when he had no training and was supposed to be under observation from his church, was profoundly damaging, I remained regressed and wounded by their awful church, not knowing that he was supposed to be being supervised because of previous behaviour, but he was not only not being supervised, he was being allowed to separate me from the rest of the church and discuss my 'problems' in a way that left me isolated and shunned, he was being allowed to discuss 'my problems' with the vicar and his wife, in an intrusive way, and I reacted.
And when I left the churchwarden and his wife, he still felt me up when I went to see him because I was concerned about what he had done and his lack of responsibility, I still had not been made aware of his past.
I was left emotionally and psychologically damaged and without adequate support when I reported the churchwarden, I was shunned in the community, no matter how Jane Fisher denies it, and the stress was simply too much, would have been too much for anyone from a background like mine and having found her 'family' only to be abused and dumped.
As someone on the autism spectrum, the denials and shunning were simply too much, and it caused an uber-meltdown.
Which continues to cause me to be treated as worse than an abuser by the Church of England, or even as worse than their clergy who have behaved unethically and without a shred of Christianity in order to cover up the wrongdoing around me reporting the case.
Glaringly, the church have interviewed those clergy with their legal expertise and their lawyers and omitted my side from any report.
Again and again they state like that, that autism is a crime and wrongdoing by clergy and church officers is not and is excusable.
And apparently, according to Bob Hill, Dame Steel claims there is nothing wrong with me and I am just a troublemaker.
She didn't interview me but interviewed someone with an interest in protecting the wrongdoers who has never even met me but is a trained lawyer as well as being a clergyman in the Deanery of Jersey.
Thursday, 20 February 2014
Happier memories, the boat and the sailing award
I joined the other sailing club to get more dinghy sailing and training and more social activities.
They had an open day one day and were selling off the old club dinghys.
They were very kind to me as I viewed the dinghys and picked out one for me in reasonably good shape, they sold this to me for £50, and so I was a boat owner.
I was very proud of this little boat, and I got a place on the boat park for it, on it's little trailer.
Although someone tried to shove it out of it's place and park their boat there soon after, even though I had been given that space, club members helped to sort that out, and I started work on getting the boat into better shape.
The boat was a Topper, a white and blue one, and it's faded name read 'Crazy', which made my friends laugh, so I changed it's name.
I contacted the Topper Sailing association and got a signed book and a new mainsheet and other bits for the boat, which I slowly and carefully fitted, and I learned how to put the mast up and rig the boat where it stood on dry land.
I felt I had made a lot of progress as a result of owning my boat, just as I made progress with driving when I got my own car, see my earlier post about the car.
I had done my dinghy sailing levels one and two, but level three was more elusive, both in training costs and assessment, so I started to train when I could with one of the Pico's that I had often borrowed for solo sail practice.
I saw the Clipper Bursary advertised, and it was for anyone who wanted to further their sailing experience and qualifications.
So I applied.
I didn't win the main sailing award but won an extra award that they offered especially for me. I was stunned!
The award they offered was to help me gain my level three and I was very happy about it.
I suppose I had better explain that this happened during the grim death time, 2010, when, despite my stay at Maytree (suicide prevention centre, self-referral), I was going downhill, and the Diocese were still harming me and not dealing with my complaint.
Anyway, I went to meet the man who was offering the award, and he took some photos of me with my dinghy, he said that a condition of the award was that I was likely to be interviewed by the press, he said the photos would probably be in the JEP, and because of the church situation, which I explained without naming names, he said that my name would be omitted. But I was terrified because I knew the haters would react to me being in the press.
The reaction I knew about turned out to be Jane Fisher, she and I were on 'speaking' terms, although she was still hurting me and denying my complaints, this was 2010, we were on speaking terms because tracy wanted that, and Jane Fisher's interference was trashing my friendship with Tracy and her church.
Anyway, Jane Fisher, I remember, kept on texting me and asking why I was to be interviewed by the press, she was so obviously only interested in the Church's reputation, it was ludicrous.
I was in the JEP, but I delighted in ignoring BBC Jersey when they asked for an interview, after all, they had treated me appallingly and caused me a breakdown, a severe one.
Although at the same time I did contact them about joining the Springwatch beach clear up, which I very much enjoyed taking part in.
Anyway, so I was doing my level three dinghy practice but was quite unwell, and things came to a head one day when the boat capsized and I couldn't right the boat or swim any more, I was exhausted, it is very possible that the full blown asthma had developed by then, because I couldn't breathe properly, and I had to be rescued.
That was my last sail. That was the end of my dreams.
We were rapidly approaching the end by then.
My boat was moved to the garden of a Jersey clergyman, 'for storage', and while on the run in England when Jane Fisher and Tracy tried to have me sectioned and failed, my car irreparably broke down because I had had to use the repair money on the ferry ticket and looking after myself in England, and because the sheets, sails and steering mechanism for the boat were in the car, they had to be abandoned in England.
Then I lost my life and my home, my boat was left in that CoFE clergyman's garden and the rest of the gear was left in the UK.
I lost my boat and my training and so much I had worked for and paid for, but did the Diocese care, no, when I arrived homeless in England they set about wrecking my life more than I could ever recover from, my losses already meant nothing to them compared to covering up for their wrongdoings, and they told me it was my fault, while I was homeless in Winchester, Bishop Scott-Joynt said so, from his palace, where he had refused to ever deal with any complaint from me.
They had an open day one day and were selling off the old club dinghys.
They were very kind to me as I viewed the dinghys and picked out one for me in reasonably good shape, they sold this to me for £50, and so I was a boat owner.
I was very proud of this little boat, and I got a place on the boat park for it, on it's little trailer.
Although someone tried to shove it out of it's place and park their boat there soon after, even though I had been given that space, club members helped to sort that out, and I started work on getting the boat into better shape.
The boat was a Topper, a white and blue one, and it's faded name read 'Crazy', which made my friends laugh, so I changed it's name.
I contacted the Topper Sailing association and got a signed book and a new mainsheet and other bits for the boat, which I slowly and carefully fitted, and I learned how to put the mast up and rig the boat where it stood on dry land.
I felt I had made a lot of progress as a result of owning my boat, just as I made progress with driving when I got my own car, see my earlier post about the car.
I had done my dinghy sailing levels one and two, but level three was more elusive, both in training costs and assessment, so I started to train when I could with one of the Pico's that I had often borrowed for solo sail practice.
I saw the Clipper Bursary advertised, and it was for anyone who wanted to further their sailing experience and qualifications.
So I applied.
I didn't win the main sailing award but won an extra award that they offered especially for me. I was stunned!
The award they offered was to help me gain my level three and I was very happy about it.
I suppose I had better explain that this happened during the grim death time, 2010, when, despite my stay at Maytree (suicide prevention centre, self-referral), I was going downhill, and the Diocese were still harming me and not dealing with my complaint.
Anyway, I went to meet the man who was offering the award, and he took some photos of me with my dinghy, he said that a condition of the award was that I was likely to be interviewed by the press, he said the photos would probably be in the JEP, and because of the church situation, which I explained without naming names, he said that my name would be omitted. But I was terrified because I knew the haters would react to me being in the press.
The reaction I knew about turned out to be Jane Fisher, she and I were on 'speaking' terms, although she was still hurting me and denying my complaints, this was 2010, we were on speaking terms because tracy wanted that, and Jane Fisher's interference was trashing my friendship with Tracy and her church.
Anyway, Jane Fisher, I remember, kept on texting me and asking why I was to be interviewed by the press, she was so obviously only interested in the Church's reputation, it was ludicrous.
I was in the JEP, but I delighted in ignoring BBC Jersey when they asked for an interview, after all, they had treated me appallingly and caused me a breakdown, a severe one.
Although at the same time I did contact them about joining the Springwatch beach clear up, which I very much enjoyed taking part in.
Anyway, so I was doing my level three dinghy practice but was quite unwell, and things came to a head one day when the boat capsized and I couldn't right the boat or swim any more, I was exhausted, it is very possible that the full blown asthma had developed by then, because I couldn't breathe properly, and I had to be rescued.
That was my last sail. That was the end of my dreams.
We were rapidly approaching the end by then.
My boat was moved to the garden of a Jersey clergyman, 'for storage', and while on the run in England when Jane Fisher and Tracy tried to have me sectioned and failed, my car irreparably broke down because I had had to use the repair money on the ferry ticket and looking after myself in England, and because the sheets, sails and steering mechanism for the boat were in the car, they had to be abandoned in England.
Then I lost my life and my home, my boat was left in that CoFE clergyman's garden and the rest of the gear was left in the UK.
I lost my boat and my training and so much I had worked for and paid for, but did the Diocese care, no, when I arrived homeless in England they set about wrecking my life more than I could ever recover from, my losses already meant nothing to them compared to covering up for their wrongdoings, and they told me it was my fault, while I was homeless in Winchester, Bishop Scott-Joynt said so, from his palace, where he had refused to ever deal with any complaint from me.
Let them eat cake
Let them eat cake
the Bishops cried
thinking they would
get the plebs on their side
The plebs took one look
at the wealthy old club
and thirsted after righteousness
down the pub
Archbishop Wonga
knew he had failed
and put his head in his hands
and wailed
for the self-glorification mission
had not got him the
acclaim for which
he was fishin'
the Bishops cried
thinking they would
get the plebs on their side
The plebs took one look
at the wealthy old club
and thirsted after righteousness
down the pub
Archbishop Wonga
knew he had failed
and put his head in his hands
and wailed
for the self-glorification mission
had not got him the
acclaim for which
he was fishin'
PIE -explicit, don't read if you are squeamish!
Recently the Peadophile Information Exchange and it's links to Government have been headline News in the Daily Mail.
I think the Truth Speakers on twitter have done very well for keeping this matter in the spotlight day after day, amazing determination.
I feel, that although this is not directly linked to the Church of England, I was abused as a child and I would like to comment.
PIE members claim that sex with children does not do them any lasting harm.
I disagree. A child should be allowed to be a child and have innocence, a child is not physically or emotionally ready for sexuality.
PIE members made claims about children initiating sex acts.
A child does not normally or naturally initiate sex acts with an adult, not unless they have been sexualized and taught to behave this way and not taught that this is not appropriate.
Children are usually taught modesty by their parents and carers and though children tend to be curious about each other, they do not naturally engage in sexual behaviour with adults.
When a child is being overtly sexual, it is very likely that they have been sexually exploited.
I use the word exploited because a child cannot fully understand the adult emotions of sexuality,
because they are simply Not Ready For Sexuality.
Even young teens, with hormones and sexual awareness, should not be exploited by older people, they need to grow emotionally and physically and socially.
So suggesting that it does not harm a child to be involved in sex acts is ludicrous, a child needs to be innocent, playful without adult sexuality, and to be able to learn and grow, protected from painful and shameful acts that they are not mature enough to understand or consent to. A child cannot understand consensual sex, and if they say no, if 'asked', how often does an abuser listen?
A child is not physically ready for sexual intercourse and it does hurt them physically as well as emotionally, when an adult has sex with a child it is not because they love that child, if they did, then they would certainly not be doing that! When an adult has sex with a child, they are meeting their own needs.
I was harmed by abuse as a child, and as an adult, both have affected me profoundly, especially as the abuse was by people who were family or 'adoptive' family, and even as an adult it harms you emotionally, and I have been re-abused by being disbelieved and rubbished and shunned as a result. 'Sex acts involving Children' are always Abuse!
I was regressed to childhood in Jersey and sexually abused by the Churchwarden, and it did me horrendous psychological harm.
It is horrifying that people in Government can also be involved in crimes against children, some of the worst crimes there are.
I hope that the Truth Speakers on twitter keep up the loud cry against peadophiles, because, judging by the Daily Mail headlines about PIE and Government, they are being heard!
I think the Truth Speakers on twitter have done very well for keeping this matter in the spotlight day after day, amazing determination.
I feel, that although this is not directly linked to the Church of England, I was abused as a child and I would like to comment.
PIE members claim that sex with children does not do them any lasting harm.
I disagree. A child should be allowed to be a child and have innocence, a child is not physically or emotionally ready for sexuality.
PIE members made claims about children initiating sex acts.
A child does not normally or naturally initiate sex acts with an adult, not unless they have been sexualized and taught to behave this way and not taught that this is not appropriate.
Children are usually taught modesty by their parents and carers and though children tend to be curious about each other, they do not naturally engage in sexual behaviour with adults.
When a child is being overtly sexual, it is very likely that they have been sexually exploited.
I use the word exploited because a child cannot fully understand the adult emotions of sexuality,
because they are simply Not Ready For Sexuality.
Even young teens, with hormones and sexual awareness, should not be exploited by older people, they need to grow emotionally and physically and socially.
So suggesting that it does not harm a child to be involved in sex acts is ludicrous, a child needs to be innocent, playful without adult sexuality, and to be able to learn and grow, protected from painful and shameful acts that they are not mature enough to understand or consent to. A child cannot understand consensual sex, and if they say no, if 'asked', how often does an abuser listen?
A child is not physically ready for sexual intercourse and it does hurt them physically as well as emotionally, when an adult has sex with a child it is not because they love that child, if they did, then they would certainly not be doing that! When an adult has sex with a child, they are meeting their own needs.
I was harmed by abuse as a child, and as an adult, both have affected me profoundly, especially as the abuse was by people who were family or 'adoptive' family, and even as an adult it harms you emotionally, and I have been re-abused by being disbelieved and rubbished and shunned as a result. 'Sex acts involving Children' are always Abuse!
I was regressed to childhood in Jersey and sexually abused by the Churchwarden, and it did me horrendous psychological harm.
It is horrifying that people in Government can also be involved in crimes against children, some of the worst crimes there are.
I hope that the Truth Speakers on twitter keep up the loud cry against peadophiles, because, judging by the Daily Mail headlines about PIE and Government, they are being heard!
Outstanding Quotes from the Churchwarden's Wife
There are many but lets do a few:
- 'I belong to the Union in case any boy (at Victoria college) accuses me of abuse, it is such an expense but it is worth it'.
- 'I'm glad we only had boys, I wouldn't have wanted a girl'
- 'He (the Churchwarden) shouldn't hug you outside church...It might affect his CRB check if people see him.
Even then, unaware of the undercurrents, her obvious problem with abuse was there, and I remember how surprised I was when she said things about her fears.
And also how hurtful her constant reminders to me were, that I was not the daughter her husband said I was.
The emotional damage was so bad, the doctor thought I had a virus.
Favourite part of mass - I know the feeling
Father, who doesn't speak very good English, said to us, some people do not come to Mass because they get bored, but it is better that you come and be bored with us than you go and be excited elsewhere! :)
I do not get bored exactly, but residual anxiety and ADD makes it hard for me to settle in Mass.
I do not get bored exactly, but residual anxiety and ADD makes it hard for me to settle in Mass.
The apologist
I usually do apologize for my anger and distress and irrational responses to shock sand surprises and untoward things.
Other people don't tend to apologize for things like crossing my personal boundaries, intruding in my personal life or breaching confidences etc. The things most likely to make me angry.
an example of people constantly breaching confidences and humiliating me was the Lihous, discussing me with my former employers, tutors and half the benefice and causing me humiliation.
They never apologized, i did not do the same to them, and yet they have been used to villify me in the Channel Islands, without anyone asking for my side of things.
Does it say anywhere in the villification of me, that I repeatedly apologized to the Lihous for responding to them harming me, or that I even apologized to the Dean for my reaction to his mishandling of my complaint.
No, because these so called Christians can't practice what they preach when they are so eager to condemn my life in order to cover up wrongdoing.
Apology
Dear Deputy Mike Higgins,
I am sorry for my fury at yet again being caught out and distressed by you bringing my case up in the states.
My anger and distress was because you did not have my permission, you did not warn me, I was not expecting further stress from Jersey, I am not very well, and your previous discussion on my case in the States caused me harm and did not achieve anything positive.
I give you the benefit of the doubt but you must not raise my case in the States again without permission.
(note the loophole).
This is because your raising of my case has resulted in further lies and defamation of me in the press, and I am sure that you can appreciate that neither the resulting damage nor the shock of this suddenly happening to me without warning is beneficial to me.
I am simply not strong enough to deal with any further defamatory or one-sided reports and am not happy that this is what your action tends to result in.
I know I wont get an apology in return, but your circle are famous for not apologizing
Sincerely,
HG
I am sorry for my fury at yet again being caught out and distressed by you bringing my case up in the states.
My anger and distress was because you did not have my permission, you did not warn me, I was not expecting further stress from Jersey, I am not very well, and your previous discussion on my case in the States caused me harm and did not achieve anything positive.
I give you the benefit of the doubt but you must not raise my case in the States again without permission.
(note the loophole).
This is because your raising of my case has resulted in further lies and defamation of me in the press, and I am sure that you can appreciate that neither the resulting damage nor the shock of this suddenly happening to me without warning is beneficial to me.
I am simply not strong enough to deal with any further defamatory or one-sided reports and am not happy that this is what your action tends to result in.
I know I wont get an apology in return, but your circle are famous for not apologizing
Sincerely,
HG
The Church and the Mirror, desperate currying of favour
I didn't think I would write anything today, I feel very ill, I had an allergic reaction which left me unwell on Monday, and didn't quite recover in time to hear more nonsense from Jersey.
I think every blow weakens me and I am hardly fighting back now, I can't get my side across, I have no immediate and trustworthy representation and even the initial launching on me by the Church of England was too much for my destroyed soul.
I heard a mutter that the Deanery of Jersey were trying to have the Korris report removed from the Diocesan Website, I understand why that would cause concern, because they want to obliterate any allusion to wrongdoing.
But actually I am in agreement with them, again.
Not because I think they should have got away with wrongdoing, but because the Korris report was inaccurate and unprofessional and was violently launched on us all and was not fair on the wrongdoers or me.
The Korris report and the 'Dean's Apology' were put up on the websites as self-glorification by the Diocese of Winchester and the Church of England, a constant nasty sting to the rest of us, the self-glorification campaign went wrong and left a raging Deanery and a raging HG, it was the stupidist, most unprofessional and most unkind and damaging thing that the Diocese of Winchester could have done to me and to the Deanery, and unfortunately they have a duty of care to me and to the Deanery, no matter who has allegedly done what.
I asked for the Dean's 'apology' to stop being used by the Church for self-glorification, but was I, the person supposedly being apologized, listened to?
No. I never even received the 'apology' nor was I made aware of it by the Diocese or Deanery.
So, fascinatingly, the Daily Mirror, apparently because no decent newspaper will report on it, have had a letter from the Bishops about welfare reforms.
Considering the general reaction that poor and vulnerable people consistently get from the Church of England, the Church of England being basically a club for old wealthy people, the Church must be in dire dire straits to be using 'The Daily Mirror' to show off and curry favour, something like this.
I am fascinated, how has the church of england fallen from their heights of Telegraph and Times? The Mirror? Not quite nude women paper, no real purpose paper, is it another 'look at us among the plebs!' statement from the church of england? fascinating!
Trying to reach the poor through the Mirror, stereotype again! I am poor, I read the Mail and the Telegraph!
'Oh look at us, we are the people's church, honest we are, please pay us attention and think we are down on the level of the plebs and in with them, common in fact!'
If nothing else, their continued self-glorification and desparation to look like they care becomes funnier all the time.
Here is a thought for them: WHAT ABOUT THIS ABUSE SURVIVOR ON DEATH ROW AND SUFFERING AT YOUR HANDS BECAUSE OF A BOTCHED INVESTIGATION AND A LOAD OF COVER UPS, START WITH REALITY AND GENUINE CONCERN, THEN SHOW OFF, AND PEOPLE MAY JUST BELIEVE YOU!
I wonder, do the Church of England ever realise how obvious they are? Don't they know that us plebs can actually think, and they are not going to gain anything from us, because while they are spouting in the Mirror, they still wont welcome us in their clubhouses!
I think every blow weakens me and I am hardly fighting back now, I can't get my side across, I have no immediate and trustworthy representation and even the initial launching on me by the Church of England was too much for my destroyed soul.
I heard a mutter that the Deanery of Jersey were trying to have the Korris report removed from the Diocesan Website, I understand why that would cause concern, because they want to obliterate any allusion to wrongdoing.
But actually I am in agreement with them, again.
Not because I think they should have got away with wrongdoing, but because the Korris report was inaccurate and unprofessional and was violently launched on us all and was not fair on the wrongdoers or me.
The Korris report and the 'Dean's Apology' were put up on the websites as self-glorification by the Diocese of Winchester and the Church of England, a constant nasty sting to the rest of us, the self-glorification campaign went wrong and left a raging Deanery and a raging HG, it was the stupidist, most unprofessional and most unkind and damaging thing that the Diocese of Winchester could have done to me and to the Deanery, and unfortunately they have a duty of care to me and to the Deanery, no matter who has allegedly done what.
I asked for the Dean's 'apology' to stop being used by the Church for self-glorification, but was I, the person supposedly being apologized, listened to?
No. I never even received the 'apology' nor was I made aware of it by the Diocese or Deanery.
So, fascinatingly, the Daily Mirror, apparently because no decent newspaper will report on it, have had a letter from the Bishops about welfare reforms.
Considering the general reaction that poor and vulnerable people consistently get from the Church of England, the Church of England being basically a club for old wealthy people, the Church must be in dire dire straits to be using 'The Daily Mirror' to show off and curry favour, something like this.
I am fascinated, how has the church of england fallen from their heights of Telegraph and Times? The Mirror? Not quite nude women paper, no real purpose paper, is it another 'look at us among the plebs!' statement from the church of england? fascinating!
Trying to reach the poor through the Mirror, stereotype again! I am poor, I read the Mail and the Telegraph!
'Oh look at us, we are the people's church, honest we are, please pay us attention and think we are down on the level of the plebs and in with them, common in fact!'
If nothing else, their continued self-glorification and desparation to look like they care becomes funnier all the time.
Here is a thought for them: WHAT ABOUT THIS ABUSE SURVIVOR ON DEATH ROW AND SUFFERING AT YOUR HANDS BECAUSE OF A BOTCHED INVESTIGATION AND A LOAD OF COVER UPS, START WITH REALITY AND GENUINE CONCERN, THEN SHOW OFF, AND PEOPLE MAY JUST BELIEVE YOU!
I wonder, do the Church of England ever realise how obvious they are? Don't they know that us plebs can actually think, and they are not going to gain anything from us, because while they are spouting in the Mirror, they still wont welcome us in their clubhouses!
Wednesday, 19 February 2014
Trying to get back to happy memories Tall Ships etc.
I have had a bad week of stresses and dead ends, I have got very distressed, especially with the States of Jersey bollocks, so I am trying to get back to feeling better by doing some more happy memories.
Tall ships:
It was one boat show day, I wandered onto a tall ship that was parked at the boat show.
They were incredibly welcoming to me on the ship, they showed me round and they were so nice.
I didn't tell them what my learning difficulties were, but they obviously knew I had problems.
They invited me to do a Day Sail with them next time one of the ships was in Jersey, with a view to me joining them for a voyage at some point, and they would let me have a day sail for free and see about funding me for a longer voyage.
The daysail went ahead, although sadly for us, the sea and wind were almost totally calm, so the planned voyage round the Island or towards Guernsey didn't go ahead as we couldn't get very far and had to be under motor.
We trekked up and down St Ouens bay and St. Aubins instead.
We enjoyed looking round the ship and watching maintenance on the rigging. The only problem was that the skipper was so sexist and chauvenistic that he spoiled it a bit, claiming that us women would not be able to do the sheets, which simply wasn't the case.
But my best memories were helming the ship, learning to help with great care because there was a delay between turning the helm and the boat changing course, and also having freshly baked chocolate muffins, which had been baked onboard. Yummy.
I had a lovely day, and was delighted when they said they would look into funding me for a full voyage, although it all got forgotten in the busyness of life.
So the next boat show, I ended up wandering aboard the ship again, and this time they talked again of funding me, and eventually they told me I was awarded full funding for a voyage, and I should look at the brochure and take my pick of a voyage that still had spaces.
Sadly as the Church continued to destroy me, I was left homeless before I could take any voyage.
Tall ships:
It was one boat show day, I wandered onto a tall ship that was parked at the boat show.
They were incredibly welcoming to me on the ship, they showed me round and they were so nice.
I didn't tell them what my learning difficulties were, but they obviously knew I had problems.
They invited me to do a Day Sail with them next time one of the ships was in Jersey, with a view to me joining them for a voyage at some point, and they would let me have a day sail for free and see about funding me for a longer voyage.
The daysail went ahead, although sadly for us, the sea and wind were almost totally calm, so the planned voyage round the Island or towards Guernsey didn't go ahead as we couldn't get very far and had to be under motor.
We trekked up and down St Ouens bay and St. Aubins instead.
We enjoyed looking round the ship and watching maintenance on the rigging. The only problem was that the skipper was so sexist and chauvenistic that he spoiled it a bit, claiming that us women would not be able to do the sheets, which simply wasn't the case.
But my best memories were helming the ship, learning to help with great care because there was a delay between turning the helm and the boat changing course, and also having freshly baked chocolate muffins, which had been baked onboard. Yummy.
I had a lovely day, and was delighted when they said they would look into funding me for a full voyage, although it all got forgotten in the busyness of life.
So the next boat show, I ended up wandering aboard the ship again, and this time they talked again of funding me, and eventually they told me I was awarded full funding for a voyage, and I should look at the brochure and take my pick of a voyage that still had spaces.
Sadly as the Church continued to destroy me, I was left homeless before I could take any voyage.
copied from a victim support website on twitter, hope they don't mind
One of the worst things about abuse is that so very often, when you report it, you are disbelieved, not just by the authorities, who's job it is to cross question you and see if you are credible, but by friends, family, colleagues, employers, or whoever you speak out to.
The results of speaking out about abuse can range from being maligned, shunned, discredited, receive hate and all kinds of unkindness.
In Jersey, a small island, reporting a Jerseyman with the connections he had, while being treated as mad and bad, because he had engineered a situation where he came across as 'helping me' while I was made to look like I was mad and bad, I suffered terribly in the Island, while Jane Fisher merrily covered up and said it wasn't happening, when it was.
Tuesday, 18 February 2014
rubbish
I gather that the 'independent' (bullshit) safeguarding (bullshit) panel are 'trying to establish contact'
They aren't trying very hard at all.
Here goes the next lot of severe and unhealable damage to me.
I gather this is the same lot who cleared the police of misconduct without getting my side of things.
I do not know what draft report they have, whether it is the bailhache report or some crap they have dreamed up themselves, but while Jersey is run by crooks, nothing they say or do is going to be genuine or anything other than harmful,
I will continue to wait for this ficticious attempt to contact me.
They aren't trying very hard at all.
Here goes the next lot of severe and unhealable damage to me.
I gather this is the same lot who cleared the police of misconduct without getting my side of things.
I do not know what draft report they have, whether it is the bailhache report or some crap they have dreamed up themselves, but while Jersey is run by crooks, nothing they say or do is going to be genuine or anything other than harmful,
I will continue to wait for this ficticious attempt to contact me.
Monday, 17 February 2014
'Lord, the wrongs I have done are not hidden from you'
I often think of the above verse from psalm 69.I went to confession recently.
I do not pretend I have no got very angry, but I have a side to things too, and my side is omitted from all investigations.
But the Diocese and Deanery do not think that way, despite their ordinations and positions.
So publicly flogging me and ruining me as part of botched investigations and reports is not a problem to them.
I often think of the above verse from psalm 69.I went to confession recently.
I do not pretend I have no got very angry, but I have a side to things too, and my side is omitted from all investigations.
But the Diocese and Deanery do not think that way, despite their ordinations and positions.
So publicly flogging me and ruining me as part of botched investigations and reports is not a problem to them.
Jane Fisher
Person who came onto my blog looking for Jane Fisher, she aint here, her email is: jane.fisher@winchester.anglican or something, she lives in the middle of the river Test in Southampton, works at Old Alresford Place and is enthusiastic about all things to do with abuse, she doesn't like animals or toys, she likes tapes and boring stuff, she is no fun at all so I am not sure why you were looking for her contact details.
Sunday, 16 February 2014
Yikes
http://google-law.blogspot.co.uk/2014/02/ritual-abuse-survivor-names-vip.html
I posted the above link earlier but couldnt write anything because of my feelings.
This cult appears to be mainly based in my home county and contains people and places I knew or knew of.
The other thing about it is that the lady was referred to as HG. Which freaked me out a bit.
Here is another shocker
http://google-law.blogspot.co.uk/2014/02/uk-and-jersey-authorities-protect-crime.html
And for the hat-trick, you can now get sex in Hotel LaMoye as well.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2560282/Prison-manager-two-year-affair-Britains-biggest-gangster-jail-cell-But-allowed-away-it.html
I posted the above link earlier but couldnt write anything because of my feelings.
This cult appears to be mainly based in my home county and contains people and places I knew or knew of.
The other thing about it is that the lady was referred to as HG. Which freaked me out a bit.
Here is another shocker
http://google-law.blogspot.co.uk/2014/02/uk-and-jersey-authorities-protect-crime.html
And for the hat-trick, you can now get sex in Hotel LaMoye as well.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2560282/Prison-manager-two-year-affair-Britains-biggest-gangster-jail-cell-But-allowed-away-it.html
Sunday morning 6am
Well I slept eventually after a long time of sleepless stress, I woke in the dark and thought that the clock said 2.20am, I went to the loo and back in bed, I looked at the clock and it said 5.30am, so that wasn't so bad.
I was having terrors of the church of england, and it will take time for that to fade.
I was threatened with prison in court in Sussex, did you know that?
I was threatened by Tim Dakin for begging him and his diocese to leave my personal life alone when they had me traced and launched on, did you know that?
The Diocese would have me put away again if it wasn't for public image, did you know that?
I live in terror of what they are planning to do to extinguish me, did you know that?
I am sitting in bed with a cuppa.
I wish I could outwit the diocese by dying suddenly of a heart attack or something, but if I did, they would malign me to my community and the press anyway.
I was having terrors of the church of england, and it will take time for that to fade.
I was threatened with prison in court in Sussex, did you know that?
I was threatened by Tim Dakin for begging him and his diocese to leave my personal life alone when they had me traced and launched on, did you know that?
The Diocese would have me put away again if it wasn't for public image, did you know that?
I live in terror of what they are planning to do to extinguish me, did you know that?
I am sitting in bed with a cuppa.
I wish I could outwit the diocese by dying suddenly of a heart attack or something, but if I did, they would malign me to my community and the press anyway.
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