from 'Homeless' originally from statements about the churchwarden and his wife, written on 'Homeless' on 25/11/2011

(01/02/2014, I referred to the churchwarden's wife as mummy and the churchwarden as Daddy in this post, which is what the Churchwarden used to want me to call them at home, note, the letters I wrote to the Vicar and his wife were not threatening as the Deanery appear to have claimed, but were in horrified and outraged response to the way they were treating me, especially refusing to speak to me after I told them I knew they hed lied to me, while in the meantime they were discussing me in a hurtful way with the churchwarden who was hurting me and getting a reaction and explaining it away in his conversations to them)

Mummy always went to bed first, at about 9pm she would get up, run a bath, bathe and then go to bed. This is when he started getting closer to me, and he took to taking me on his lap, cuddling me close, I liked being daddy’s little girl and being fussed, but I didn’t like his hands wandering, as they did sometimes, and I made that clear, but I excused him, I couldn’t believe he would do anything he shouldn’t, after all, I was his little girl, his daughter, and he told me that he was healing me and ‘I will restore the lost years says The Lord’. (The man at the Autism service said that the way mummy went off to bed was typical of someone who wanted to shut out what was happening).

 He kissed my lips on a few occasions and I was not happy with that, but when I kissed his cheek a few times when he was cuddling and fussing me and I was overwhelmed with love, he tormented me by saying things implying that I fancied him, anyway, things progressed with him behaving mildly inappropriately at the same time as being an affectionate daddy and encouraging me to be childlike and dependent, I will now add a list that I once wrote and have just found, it may be a bit premature as I have not explained everything yet, but I will add it nonetheless. It summarizes some things that I have started talking about.

Adoptive dad  sexual misconduct:

·          Kissing my lips and neck

·          Touching breasts

·          Touching and slapping bottom

·          Trying to put his hand below the waist

·          Resting head on chest

·          Suggestive comments

·          Talking about sexuality

·          Asking about my sexuality and past abuse

·          Sitting me on his  knees

·          Pulling my head to his knees

·          Tipping me towards him sitting on his knees

·          Pinning me down and lying on the floor or sofa with me and on top of me

Some of this, including sitting me on his knees he admitted to the police when it was investigated.

Emotional games:

·          Saying that people were talking about him and me

·          Telling me off for kissing his cheek while he was ok to kiss lips or neck

·          Telling me what his wife was thinking/saying about me that was negative

·          Refusing to talk problems through while he was talking about me behind my back to church people especially the Vicar and his wife and making out that the problem was just me as I reacted to his behaviour and actions.

·          Making me feel guilty

·          Doing my arms and neck – stroking them constantly, saying he was healing me though this touch is excruciating to a touch sensitive autistic girl

·          Jeering, he does poke fun at people and he poked fun at me a lot including jokes about my weight etc

·          Letting me take responsibility for everything wrong in the friendship

·          The family/not family game where he and his wife were ‘mummy and daddy’ to me, but their sons and family were not told this and were not my ‘brothers’ or family. I felt stupid like a hidden idiot in the attic.

·          Making me feel small, saying I couldn’t come out with the cadets, saying that he and his wife were given money because they ‘had to look after me’ etc. There was no ‘had to’, nor did the other sailing cadet leaders mind me coming sailing.

His wife:

·          Blaming me for everything wrong

·          Calling me a burden

·          Telling me that I was the problem, not the church when I found the church rituals and strange ways of doing things hard to understand

·          Making me feel ashamed of my work, my clothes, my background and unfavourably comparing me with her sons, openly

·          Not being very sensitive about family/not family so that I knew I was not family while her husband was saying I was

·          Getting angry about me saying that her husband had misbehaved

Some of my problems:

·          Having behavioural problems, reactive to wrong situations

·          Not being firmer against adoptive dad being naughty

·          Being rude about St A's church when daddy wouldn’t talk it through

·          Getting very upset with the adoptive parents over my ‘adoption’ being a secret and similar things

·          Not being able to understand the atmosphere, what was expected of me, what was the right thing to do or say, eg leaving the room because I thought mummy  wanted ‘family time’ without me there. Or not going to Sunday lunch with mummy and daddy and family when I was invited after I left them, because I didn’t feel comfortable there. I wasn’t ‘family’, and I felt so ashamed and hurt to sit through ‘family conversations’ after Christmas.

·          Leaving St A's church a and stopping believing in God for a while, that made mummy very upset, the horrible atmosphere of that church and the way daddy behaved caused the first real shaking of the foundations of my faith.

·          Writing a nasty letter or two to the vicar and his wife after I overheard the conversation that daddy had with the vicar’s wife, I doubt that it was the only one. I was being talked about as if I was something terrible while the vicar and his wife had been dishonest with me and refused to talk to me and I was being sexually and emotionally abused by this man.

28/11/2011 from 'Homeless' I may have already posted this

The painkillers are making me too sleepy, this is not good for a homeless person, I have been taking the lowest dose possible, and they do work, but I think I will stop taking the strong ones and just take the anti-inflammatory ones and hope the doctor agrees to the dreaded injections that will help me to walk without any tablets.

On Facebook I have access to a survivors organisation, and at one point someone started a facebook campaign to get rid of the survivors organization, they were very unsuccesful, but it shows just how much ill feeling there can be with regards to abuse matters, people don't want to hear about clergy abuse, they want to hide and say everything is ok, that everything is ok in their church or that they haven't done anything wrong and don't want to acknowlege the consequences of any abuse they have inflicted, this is why it surprises me that no-one has yet tried to remove my blog or any of the posts.

The more I hear of the church the more I wonder what on earth the future of the world is when people go into the church to escape the evil of the world and be safe and in church the evil is very much present but disguised, sanctioned, excused and covered up in a way that it isn't in any other organisation or place in the world, the church have complete policy systems and laws to cover up and to protect the church from liability, these laws also protect the abusers, but the victims are the people who are not protected or helped or acknowledged except in a certain way that is also done to protect the church.
The unheard scream is 'where is Jesus in all this', and if the church should chance to hear this scream they respond with finger wagging lectures about 'forgiveness' and reproaches, as if that is any sort of answer.
when are things going to change? My wish, and my dying wish if I don't survive the way the church have crippled me and left me invalidated as a person is that the church should lose their right to be exclusive, that they are audited on abuse cases and misconducts by organizations outside the church, they will scream about that being unfair because of prejudice and secular organizations being against them, but isn't it better for this destroyal of lives by the church systems to stop? To me a human life is the most valuable thing on this earth, and a vulnerable life should be protected, but the church, who are supposedly following Christ, place no value at all on a vulnerable human life when it comes to the matter of abuse and the issue of the church protecting themselves against scandal.
Isn't it time that the church are no longer immune from legal actiions due to their status, and are no longer treated as being truthful and righteous when they are not being, time they were no longer allowed to be such a big voice that they drown out the smaller voices of abuse victims who try to stand up to them?
I want to see all this change, I want victims to no longer be shamed into silence, and the church that is part of the government in this country should be held to account just as other government departments supposedly would be if their staff had hundreds of abuse and misconduct allegations made against them every month, and especially as the church themselves are not actually practicing what they preach each week, are not following Christ's teachings, Christ Himself was homeless, poor, wounded by the church of the day, He didn't live in a palace and have servants and a big salary. The church will cry out that secular intervention would be 'prejudiced' and 'damaging to the faith', but that is indeed what their own policies and procedures towards abuse are anyway.

I will continue this another time. I am sleepy.

from 'Homeless' 28/11/2011

Does all this make you conclude that I hate the church? I don't, otherwise I wouldn't try to worship each week. I hate the church's policies and actions and the discrepancy between the way Jesus was and the way the church are, in the case of abuse and the church reaction there is no sign of Christianity, and 'we are all human' is not an adequate excuse.

Am I obsessed with this matter? I don't know, I do know that the way that the church have treated me continues to affect me badly, I am crippled by it, I am traumatised by it, and the repercussions are endless, if I go on living I will be affected for the rest of my life, and I am extremely vulnerable on the streets with the bad record that the church gave me, but I cannot leave the streets for the same reasons.
All I have to do in my life is try to share my story and help other solitary survivors know that they are not alone as I try to write what I cannot verbalise and can hardly write, the church were able to use my lack of verbalisation against me as they accused and damaged me and brought false charges against me and tried to make me out to be mad.

Basically as well as being unable to verbalise all this I am at a disadvantage when it comes to representation because no one actually dares to take on the church and their disclaimers and lawyers and press departments, the church are power heavy, which is crazy considering that they originate from belief and following of Jesus, who never ever instructed or set an example of unjust wealthy power heavy priests and organizations. I hope that makes sense.

Every day my day starts with anxiety and bad memories, and if I wake in the night it is the same, I dream of the brutality of the police who the church set on me, the injustice and the lockings up and being unable to defend myself.
I live in fear of being involved in any of the violence and crime that my fellow homeless are soemtimes involved in, or being sexually assaulted or suffering anything, because I don't want to have to go to the police or have the police looking up the lies of the church on record and being brutal and unfair to me if I am unwittingly caught up in an incident.

That incident the other week was a very frightening one, to be accused of something and assaulted, I really and truly thought that I was going to be brutalised and locked up, but it wasn't the church wrongly accusing me and there was no proof (because I hadn't done anything) and the thug who 'tried to do a citizens arrest' was known to the police and had commited assault by his actions, so to my amazement it all turned out right but it shocked me deeply. I will never feel safe again.

I will never be able to work again, and I do not know if I will ever live indoors again, I am sure that my lifespan is reduced because of my lifestyle and I am relieved about that, I have no real reason to live apart from sharing my story. The damage by the church, especially by their lies, is too severe, and no amount of counselling or medicine will change that.

from 'Homeless' written on 09/12/2011 -not sure why I am posting this apart from getting it off the list, too interesting to delete

When I was young and was doing Christmas preparations with my brother,we used to listen to Christmas songs, one of them has these lines in it:

Hallalujah Nowell, be it heaven or hell
at Christmas we get we deserve

Even as a child I puzzled over this, is the singer syaing that people get what they deserve at Christmas? That I deserved last Christmas and the approaching one?

At Christmas there will be so many people who will be facing debt because they have tried to provide presents and a good Christmas for their families, there will be people who face loved ones dying, there will be domestic violence, sometimes fueled by drink and sometimes leaving people needing hospital treatment, there will be affairs and breakups and rapes, there will be children who will be victims of abuse and violence, there will be people who have nothing for Christmas, no presents, no company, no food, (and how I wish I could find them and change that, but they are people who no one realises are there), there will be people who have bad memories at Christmas that includes me and a number of people who I know.

I don't believe that people always get what they deserve at Christmas, nor does 'everything come right'. It isn't always as dramatic as the shock storylines that the soaps do for Christmas where everyone has to die, go missing and get married and come out in order to keep everyone watching, but Christmas can be harsh for good people, and it can be good for bad people, all those wealthy people in the church who made me feel small and abused me will have a good Christmas in that they will have lots of food and nice things, but a majority of them do not really care or get real pleasure from it all.
I loved Christmas even in all those harsh years, until that terrible cruel Christmas with my abusers.

If you know anyone who might be struggling this Christmas, please see if you can help. Don't give in to all those tv charity adverts (unless you want to), guide dogs for the blind will still be there all year round, so will the rest of them. The stallholders on the market were talking about the old lady downstairs from them, they take her a dinner and wine and presents, no-one else is around for her, my pal who does the christmas lunch says that some of the people they collect for the lunch don't have any other outing all year.

Why am I rambling on? I don't know.

I remember the care home I worked for, I remember that I was going to commit suicide that Christmas, but I sent every resident in that 64-bed home a Christmas card with their name in, I got my friend who worked in the home to give me all their names and whether they preferred to be called by their first name, last name or nickname, and all of them got a personal card, my friend kept coming out and hugging me and saying how happy some of the residents were because it was the only card they had got or that they were amazed that the gardener knew their name and things like that, I got a few cards in return from them and their families and I made a few new friends that way.

Everybody needs to be loved and feel a sense of belonging, even more so at Christmas.
I remember feeling despondent before Christmas 2005, and I remember Lesley saying to me 'you are not alone, there are so many other people who feel isolated at this time, and Christmas is so family-orientated that people think of happy families, and those who haven't got happy families do feel left out'.

The quiz last night raised over £400 for the Salvation Army, who provide Christmas meals and presents and food for many poor people who would have nothing otherwise.
If you have a good Christmas to look forward to, then thank God for it, and please pray for those who are dreading this Christmas.

from 'Homeless' written 10/12/2011

It is bitter cold outdoors, I delight in the cold and the fresh air and freedom from the church, but with the unending nightmares it is hard to believe I am out of their damaging grip. It has been maybe four months since their last devastating attack on my life and if I live it will be many years before I really have any hope of recovery and normal life.
When I was first homeless, the doctor said that maybe in three or four years I would start to recover, even at the time and for almost a year after that the church continued their devastating and traumatic assault on my life in order to defend themselves and make out that they were 'helping me',

What I don't understand is one fundemental truth 'why if they were helping me was I being seriously harmed and driven from help by them and my cries for them to stop were ignored and deemed harrasment?' How could they have been helping me by using someone I had complained about to come after me and violate my friendships, why if they were helping me did they slander me to the homeless services and prevent me from accessing help? why if they were helping me did they try to have me sectioned for my cries of anguish at their continued unwanted interventions?

From 'Homeless' Historic Blog 14/12/2011 -The reason for all these posts is that I am away and cannot post until tomorrow and will be offline for a a week or more soon

When it comes to feelings and memories coming up strongly as they are doing at the moment, I cannot write very easily, I am too angry, too upset, too hopeless, I feel invalidated by the church and nothing I say or do is valid in their eyes, it makes me worthless and not-human.

I woke up this morning wondering why, really why the church were allowed to go on interfering in my life after they lost me my home, why they were allowed to go on traumatising me and getting me brutalised by the police for my reaction as I repeatedly asked them to stop.

If the church were to read this they would scornfully say that I am 'dwelling on the past' as they did a few months after the abuse as I continued to be traumatised by the abuser's denials to the community.

If I wake up in distress I am not deliberately dwelling on anything, and the distress comes from my subconscious sleeping brain, and since the church have affected my life in a terrible way that will affect me forever including leaving me permenantly homeless, how is that in the past? It is very current and affects my whole life in many ways every day.

The inequality of power that allows the church to treat abuse victims as they please in order to achieve what they want is very real.

The church's interference that left me unable to be housed isn't considered harassment by the police, and yet my reaction to it is.
I will never be able to live indoors because of the processes, the disclosures against me, the shame and most of all, my distress at being indoors. And if I lived indoors, who would I be with the shattered pieces of my life left behind long ago in the island? There is no future for me, no work, no volunteering, no point in trying to get my education, nothing but the huge labels that the church have stuck on me, the only way I can survive is outdoors.

Sorry - from 'Homeless' written 17/12/2011

I feel like saying sorry. Well I am always sorry, I have spent my life being sorry, and everyone else has enforced that by telling me it is all me, even when it can't be.

No, the sorry is because I spend my time in the library reading when I am not on the computer, and I read about what other people have been through, the abuse they have suffered in the church.

I grew up in cult-like circumstances, and what I suffered did amount to abuse, emotional, mental, physical and sexual abuse, but I know from the accounts that I read that other people have been through more severe abuse and neglect and haven't been allowed childhoods, people who were left in the hands of church-based convents and boarding schools and orphanages, people who were kept from the outside world and abused constantly and degraded, my own upbringing was traumatic, and my adulthood vulnerable to abuse because I needed support and safe people and ended up abused and destroyed by the church, but I know that some of the stories I have read about church based abuse are worse than mine in violence and constant sexual abuse.
So I am sorry, sorry that I am such a drama queen, and sorry for what all those survivors went through and how no one heard their cries for help and they were made to feel that they deserved it and that there was no hope.
And most of all I am sorry that their abusers were working in God's Name and seemed to believe that their unchristian and criminal actions towards the children and vulnerable people in their care were acceptable and that God would find their actions acceptable.
Those abusers will never say sorry or accept responsibility, they delude themselves and make out that they were doing what was in the best interests of those in their charge, just as those who emotionally and sexually abused me did when I was a vulnerable adult in their care.
To be honest I am not sure that my parents understood what they were doing to us at all.

None of the children who were put in that convent or boarding school and denied their lives and emotions and even denied their reactions to what was happening to them were to blame.
And there are still people out there who can't speak out because they were abused and persuaded that their abuser, who was 'close to God' could not possibly to blame and that if it ever came out the victim would be shamed for their own behaviour, as I was, it affects people for their whole lives, leaving them isolated by their own reactions, flashbacks and distresses if they never speak about it, admit it happened, and come to terms and know that it wasn't their fault. It is never the fault of a child or vulnerable person if someone preys on them.

I am sorry for this mess where survivors have to come to terms with God, someone who allows these people to work in His Name and yet do such atrocious things and blame the victims and tell them that they (the abuser) has only been kind to the victim, kindness? God? Survivors can end up very confused and damaged by that perspective of God from the abuser. And in an isolated abused world, who else can the child or vulnerable adult turn to if God is on the side of the abuser?

But all the sorry in the world won't put things right.

Historic Blog 'Homeless' 'Police complaint -this is part of a post from 16/12/2011

I had been treated as mad and bad by the police at all times and I was traumatised by it. In the time after the police brutalised me in that time when they got me for the Bishop not long after Anne's funeral, I sat in the church writing out carefully what had happened and I also had the photo's of the bruises on my arms that they made, my friend took the photos. But I had never had the money to send this complaint by post and had never had the courage to walk up and put it in the letterbox of the police HQ in person, and had been too depressed to, seeing as my voice is nothing and no one would do anything.

One rainy night I was down near the Cathedral, I was surprised that mad Debbie didn't jump out and scream at me, as she usually haunted that area, a police car drew up beside me and they wound the window down and said my name, I froze in utter terror, the officer said 'it's alright, we just wanted to say hello' (similar to what they usually untruthfully say when you are in trouble), I remained frozen and silent.

The officer continued in a patronizing tone, going on about a service in the cathedral, I didn't want to know, the officer said that 'he was glad that I was well and out and about again' I gathered from this that he was one of the brutes who had detained me and made me out to be mentally ill and had not been aware that I had been asessed and released, he seemed to think I had been locked up in the hospital as the police had tried VERY hard to arrange on behalf of the diocese.

 I said nothing. He went on and told me to go and get out of the rain and get my head down somewhere, I was furious, it was nothing to do with him where and when I was or slept, I was in shock as the police drove off, and following that, instead of sending my painstakingly written statement to the police complaints department with the bruises pictures, I rattled off an email of complaint, this was to the police complaints department in the county headquarters, interestingly enough I have had a stream of emails over the months from the department and the IPCC, the big central police complaints department, I have absolutely no idea why as I am too fragile and traumatised to even open and read the emails and get re-involved in the dreadful matter, nor do I want my location given away to anyone. As far as I know from experience my voice is nothing against other peoples. 

The latest email regarding the police complaint was sent to me last week.

Another thing to note, the police who stopped that rainy night were not after me, and this was in the summer, but in court in august it was claimed that the police had been after me for some time.

(01/02/2014) This was due to Jane Fisher wanting her complaint against me in Sussex to be separate from that of Michael-Scott-Joynt's, when in reality, they had liased together to try and have me put away, again, and it remains that she suffers nothing for her abuse of power and lack of dealing with my complaint of abuse and protection of my abuser, while she destroyed me publicly, the church of England has a lot of power, because they claim to be Christian and no-one questions them, and they are never called to account for their abuse of that power).

from 'Homeless' 18/12/2011 -still funny

Before the Bishop retired in Winchester, I was walking through the alley near some of my food bins in Winchester one morning, this was in a pedestrian area and had  'NO Cycling' signs all around, the alleyway was entirely pedestrian and led onto a precinct.
As I came out of the blind alley onto the precinct the Bishop's wife came hurtling into the blind  Alleyway from the pedestrian area on her bike and nearly knocked me over!
'Hello **********' she said in her posh tones as I staggered,

'slow down Mrs ***********' I yelled in fright 'get off the bike!'
But she was gone.

It's a true story, and I left a message for her and the Bishop regarding them them breaking the law and the impact of it and how they shouldn't be hounding me and making me out to be mad and bad when the Bishop's wife was breaking the law and behaving like a manic on her bike when the police were cracking down on such behaviour, but I said that I was a Christian and so I wasn't going to report her out of spite and that even if the police had stopped her as they had stopped other cyclists that week or even if she had collided with me, the police wouldn't batter her and lock her up, they would excuse her because she was the Bishop's wife, undoubtedly true, the Bishop has expensive top lawyers.

- 01/02/2014 And having top lawyers and barristers as chaplains and clergy and laity who are legally trained tends to mean you can be Christians in theory and not in practice and get away with doing as you like and still using Jesus' Name as an excuse for your salary and home.

Brief posts from 'Homeless'

03/01/2012  I am having flashbacks about police brutality. Not good.

19/01/2012
Every time the diocese set the police on me and had me locked up and searched, they took away the only things I have and value, my privacy, dignity and freedom. I have never recovered and I cannot understand how they can keep up the ridiculous pretence of concern while inflicting unhealable horror on me for my reactions to their treatment of me.

from 'Homeless' written on 09/01/2012 but originally written in the journal in 2011, the purpose of these writings were for me to try to understand and rebuild myself

Do I consider all this writing to be:

• Self-indulgent?
• naval gazing?
• Selfish?

Yes. But that is not all it is. It is written in order to tell my side, explain me, and hopefully to help other people who are suffering to know that they are not alone.

I cannot comletely cure myself. I am one solitary autistic person, and autism literally means 'self-ism', trapped in one's own self, and despite that, clumsily, I try to reach out and help others, ever more tentatively.

Despite being condemned forever as the Bad Person by the church, I;

• Help push cars that break down
• return wallets and valuables that I find to the police or the owners
• help people up when they fall
• help carry heavy loads
• avoid begging or asking for help
• offer to help if someone is upset
• and do anything I can to help despite not being able to be a volunteer any more.

These are problems that I associate with my mixture of trauma and Autistic Spectrum:

• Touch sensitivity
• Noise sensitivity
• Heat sensitivity
• disphasia
• frustration, irritability and low mood
• inability to cope with relationship problems
• Incomprehension of situations and explanations
• need for large amounts of solitude and freedom
• need for 'adult' help
• Anxiety
• motor problems  (always makes me think I have a motor that doesn't work)
• need for structure and routine
• communication and speech problems
• easily overloaded with stress
• claustrophobia
• eating problems
• depression
• flashbacks and inability to escape from bad things in the past
• need for things to be correct
• negativity

An exhaustive list?

Written 29/12/2011 in 'Homeless' and titled 'Psychology' remember, in 'Homeless' I omitted all names

For so long now and especially in the times when I have nowhere to go and nothing to do, the memories of how the church have battered my name and reputation to defend thier own has been overwhelming me and making me feel so small, so useless, the flashbacks to the way the police treated me are always there and intermingled with the things that the church have said.
But why, why is an organization like the church allowed to let individuals, mainly with dog collars or close to people with dog collars gang up and condemn an abuse survivor so utterly and not be held accountable for their own actions that leave that survivor suffering in hell?!

I have made a doctor's appointment and I want a psychological asessment by hook or by crook, I want to know how old I am mentally, what the regression and the subsequent actions have actually done to me, and I want to know what else may be wrong, I have never been opposed to having help but it has always been an impossible fight to get it and the added contempt of what the Bishop said about me in a court statement was that 'it is all my problems and nothing to do with the church and he 'hopes I get the help I need'', what he said is an outright lie and would be enough to make me never seek help, but as you know, I still go to church, condemned and despairing, I still go, and there is no way the Bishop can make me responsible for two men in his employ and on his property who had both been accused previously, who both abused me, the second of whom regressed me to childlikeness and left me that way out of control and back in my own hellish childhood while he messed with me and was rebuffed and then denied any responsibility and was backed up by the island churches and clergy for years while the diocese refused to help me and beat me down with criticism and what they heard, one sided stories from (JM) who they allowed to be involved in the island matter and allowed her and the abuser in the island and his supporters to work together.
My fault?
Well, no, but who hears me when the bigger voice of the church and Bishop have all the say and I have none?!
My fault that on my return from the island to England the church continued to intervene and seriously harm me and I was unable to seek any help or get anyone to withdraw them, and my anger, trauma and pain in return caused the church to have me arrested again?!
How can it be?
And Yet I am the one who is left vulnerable to the filthy record the church have given me and there is no one to change that and no way that I can ever rebuild my life like this, even if I was fit to work I will never be able to get a job, never be able to explain to an employer, never be able to get back to living indoors because of the vulnerability I would feel and the terror and distress and the impossibility of the processes or costs to get indoors, and what would be the point, I survive by staying outdoors, indoors is where I was when I was employed and not a criminal and could study and go to places and live, while I can no longer do those things and have been so invalidated I have no use for indoors and the increased flashbacks and distress and vulnerability it brings.

from 'Homeless' -written 23/12/2011

waves of bad memories and distress and despair started hitting. How can I cope? Well I just have to keep repairing the little punctures in my bubble with memory blanking glue, otherwise I would be likely to attempt suicide from distress, and then the church could have their triumphant 'see, she was insane!'. Thier attitude makes life unbearable, their refusal of responsibility, especially for their repeated and damaging interventions since I came back to England, and their cold callous police attacks on me for my reactions.

justice?

If only Jane Fisher and Micheal Scott-Joynt has put a fraction of the effort they put into destroying and criminalizing me into doing something about my abusers, even keeping churches safe from them, they seemed more interested in driving me from churches, villifying me and getting me a record, which continued the church of england's attitude that I am worse than a sex offender, which started when JM condemned me for my horror in finding out that one of the youth leaders from my youth group had been arrested for paedophilia and child porn.
It was so well covered up in the church, that I wasn't supposed to know that a man who had worked closely with me and my group was a sex offender, and I was slated for finding out.

And on the streets of winchester, homeless and with a record for the church of england, I was laughed at by JM's husband, who had abused me, while the church went on protecting him.

This is also from 07/01/12 and was entitled 'from the journal' as it was from a handwritten diary done in 2011

07/01/2012
When my dad died I realised I knew nothing about him apart from him being dad, I learned a bit from his funeral. We weren't the sort of family to ask questions and tell things and he never talked about his past.

My family really don't know me, so I started a journal and then a blog so that at least someone will know some of my story when I die.

I am like a lost child, regressed and left regressed to suffer all the hurts and denials of the church. I suck my thumb to comfort myself.
I go along with what peopel say too often and end up angry and hurt when I am let down. I want to know why I do this, that's why I asked for psychological help.

Before all this matter with the church, and my dad's death in the middle of it, I didn't fall out with my family. I never fell out with brother E or sister D, they were my friends, and I was ok with everyone else, no fall outs, just not a lot of communication because the family were like that and I was moving around so it was hard to keep in contact with them. The only person I wouldn't communicate with was Brother C. I was also never close to sister G as she had always been very scornful of me. The fall outs came from the stress of the circumstances with the church and my family not understanding for example when I had to leave the Island for six weeks and my sister put me under pressure to make a decision about living with her friends for that time, and the rent was too steep for me, and she had to lend me money and then some time later made a comment about not expecting to see her money back, we fell out over that. And I explained about my brother and his view of what I said about mum being his mum, not mine, etc.
Dad's death and the fights in the family after that were worse for me because of the already difficult circumstances with the church.

My journal tells me that in August last year I was sitting on a railway station at nearly midnight, too distressed to do anything because of the Bishop and safeguarding official and what they said about me and what they said in court that was inaccurate.

The journal goes on to where I asked myself what was wrong with me.

'Not mental illness' has been proven time after time against the diocese trying to force mental illness onto me.
My doctor agrees that I don't present any mental illness.
My behaviour was out of control in response to the way I was treated, and the mental health team that asessed me one time after the diocese tried to make me out to be mad mentioned trauma.

I am ashamed of my out of control behaviour but I was provoked by the way the church treated me and tried to absolve themselves of any liability and left me carrying the weight of the blame.

extracts from 'homeless' -tributes

I was always very grateful, and still am, to those who have helped and supported me on the streets, and this was written on 07/01/2012 on the 'homeless' blog.

There are many wonderful people who have made my life easier to bear as I have struggled along, I feel like doing a tribute to them but it feels silly as I have to change most of their names in order to do it, here are some of them:

• The Samaritans
• The daycentre staff at the numerous daycentres that I have been to
• outreach workers
• Facebook friends
• prayer partners on my regular prayer forum
• Thomas and Kathryn
• Phil and Marcus
• P&M
• Caroline
• Natalie and Jon
• Keith and Helena
• Debbie
• the Salvation Army
• people who's names I don't know
• Rupert
• B&M
• Saskia
• Janice
• Good doctors and medical staff
• Ann, Linda and Lynn and the others
• Bob, Jimmie, Barbara and the others
• Sue, Ahn and the others
• The market people
• A, J and the others
• the mission
• London City Mission
• the charity
• Lesley
• The helpful bed and breakfast managers at various locations
• everyone who has reached out to me and been kind and helped me, known and unknown
• Mark, Peter and the others
• Anyone I have missed out

There are many more names to add since then.

Dad

I've been thinking about my Dad a lot recently, I am not sure why.
He sometimes seems closer when I am most in despair.

I sat with him when his life support was switched off, four years ago, and my siblings went off to get drunk, but I couldn't imagine how they could do that, and I didn't drink and couldn't bear to leave him.
In a way I envied him, because his battle was over, his struggle as an autism sufferer in such a complex world, it was over for him, while I was in the middle of hell in my life in Jersey and wished he could have lived and I could have died.

I remember how my dad got the scar on his forehead. I saw it happen, he was hit on the head by a lump of breezeblock in one of the riots, I remember him running back towards me with blood pouring down his face and shirt, and he told me to get in the house, and we both got into the house in time.

But for a year after that, and even in the homeless hostel after we fled, that scene replayed in my dreams over and over, and in one memorable dream, my dad was killed, and my brother was trying to move his body to get him away from the rioters.

In contrast, back to the church of england, I remember Jill Lihou saying she thought she would have to take her grandson on a skiing trip to help him recover because he had seen his dad, who is a priest in Guernsey get into an argument and have a glass of water thrown in his face.

This is from 'Homeless' written on 21/12/2011

I am not emotionally geared up to historic blogging, but the past has been hurting me so much over the last few days that I probably should try.

I just handed in a driving licence to the police, I found it, the police seemed to know who owned it as well. I wonder why I hand things in when I am supposed to be bad. When I was in that town where the church last had me arrested I handed in a pot which had some decent money in it £20 notes and pound and two pound coins and more, I never saw that money again, and knowing the police, they probably kept it for themselves.

London

I am battling flashbacks at the moment, and I do not really know why at all, well I don't always, they just happen.
The unconcluded mess of the Diocese and the constant threat of them does contribute to it, as does me being indoors.
I know that if I was to return to the streets now, I would start to feel better, but I am not who I was in my days of great adventure on the streets, I have blown too many fuses in the massive traumas of the past year, and I have had a number of minor breakdowns and I do not have the energy I used to have, so I am 'safer' indoors, although my hurt brain is screaming that it is terrified indoors and I live in a state of severe anxiety.

I realised that if London isn't fully on 'The Wanderer' and some is still on 'Homeless' then people do not know about my hospital efforts in London.

I arrived in London deeply and severely traumatized and I could not possibly see a way of going on living after what had happened, but hoped to die anonymously in the crowds of London.
But even then I did not stop trying to help myself.

Within a few days of arriving in London, I went to the Maudlsey and begged to be admitted to their traumatic stress unit, unfortunately the waiting list was 18 months and the diocese in the record they had given me meant I was not taken seriously by my doctor although the diocese had failed to get me registered as mentally ill and I was noted to be suffering trauma. I have never been treated very well by doctors since the diocese got me locked in cells for responding to their violations of me in Winchester.

So, my doctor was hard to get a referral from, but I think she may have done the referral but I am not sure at all what happened to it, but at the maudley they were doubtful, and told me that even if I got onto the list, it would be at least an 18 month wait and I should be settled somewhere, which, at the time, due to my terror (justified) of continued tracing and violations by the Diocese, I was unlikely to be settled, as I was fugitive.

The Maudsley helpfully sent me over the road to Kings College Hospital A&E for assessment by an E&E psychiatric nurse, to try and see if  I could be referred back quicker.
The psychiatric nurse was very nice and kind, and even tried to get some food for me, like the WInchester team did when the diocese failed to have me put away before.

Anyway, this psychiatric nurse was easy to talk to, and I told him what I could, in the shocked state I was in after Sussex (which I am having flashbacks about at the moment).

I told the psychiatric quite a lot, and he said I didn't appear to be mentally ill, and that he would send the report over to the Maudsley.

Anyway, nothing ever really came of that, apart from a social worker accessing my medical records without my consent and forcing herself into my life, and getting a formal complaint in reply, which I think is how the diocese and their police traced me tro London.
It remains an injustice among many of violations and misconducts that if I live, I will have to deal with and bring to book properly, because it has left my records inaccurate and messed up so that I am treated badly.

Anyway, some time later within the few months I was in London, I was too distressed to cope, so I was advised, and took the advice, to go to A&E again, despite my fear and knowledge that it was futile, I went, because there was nothing else I could do.
And because even in that profoundly destroyed state, I was still looking after myself.
If I had known what was going to happen in this past year, I would have commited suicide as I really really wanted to, but I kept myself alive.

Anyway, I went to St. Georges A&E, it was about 10pm and I was in a terrible state, I went to the desk and said that someone had advised me to come but I wasn't sure if they could help and I was suffering severe stress.
They said that they could help, and said it very positively.
I was terrified of being trapped, because of the diocese and how they had repeatedly had me trapped, but I checked in with A&E.
And ended up even more stressed :) although I have put a smile in there.

A schitzophrenic man was also in A&E, and he was increasingly angry and troubled, I was in a corner and not far from him, unfortunately he went mad, and had to be restrained, and I had ended up trapped in the corner as he lashed out and roared.
It was not just his behaviour that horrified me, but that the diocese had tried to make me out to be ill in the same way as this man, when my behaviour had not been random but in response to what I had suffered combined with the fact that I am autistic and have avoidant attachment disorder.

Anyway, this man was restrained, but both his behaviour, and the knowledge that the diocese had tried to make me out to be like this, and the violence with which he had to be restrained (he got very close to me with his flailing fists) left me shocked, and I shot out of A&E. I remember how brutal the police were with me, even though I was never violent, only ever frozen with terror.

Thankfully as I panicked outside, a nurse came out, and she was very calm and kind, and persuaded me to come back in.

Then there were a series of people asking me questions, a 'head nurse' who didn't even know what Asperger Syndrome was, and thought I had been admitted for Asperger Syndrome. I got cross with her.
But there was a male nurse who did know, understood autism, interviewed me twice, and I was able to tell him some of what had caused me to end up traumatized.

I was not 'admitted' but was left in a cubicle on the A&E ward, and seeing as it was my bed time, I tucked down for a snooze, with my toy keeping guard.
Eventually someone took my blood pressure.
The schitzophrenic man was on the ward, and went mad again and had to be restrained and injected, which again horrified and traumatized me, this was what the diocese wanted to be done to me. It still makes me sick with horror.
And eventually a nice doctor came to see me, went away and saw me again later.

She listened to me, and said I was not mentally ill and thus they couldn't help me, and she had to check if she was allowed to let me out that night due to how vulnerable and distressed I was.
She also looked up my records and found that the interfering leech of a socially worker was still illegally on my records, and I explained to her that this was against my wishes and a violation, and she said she would write to them about that. But I was furious.

She let me wait while she made sure she could let me leave that night, and she could, so by 2am I was down to Waterloo Grill for some long delayed supper and a hot drink before I went to my sleeping place, exhausted.

I fought in every direction in London, both to get help and to get protection from the Diocese of Winchester, but their side of the story on all my records meant I couldn't, and still can't, get help or protection from them.
Their 'help' will never be help to me, and their interventions are like rapes.

bad poems time

I can't come out of flashbacks, so I can't write anything about the church.
So I will do bad poems instead.


Homecoming

I am swimming against a tide and I am tired
looking for land and hope

I can't go on living in distress and fear
long past the end of my rope

crying for help into silence that never breaks
no lifeline is ever thrown

I am condemned to sink or swim
by condemnation that leaves me to drown

I never stopped hoping to find land
to be rescued by honest and kind hands

as I swim I try to see hope
a beautiful island in the mist of despair

but I sink exhausted because
how can that island be there?

I am swimming home to join you
in your peace after a life of stress

on the island on the hill
you are waiting for me

the scar has gone from your forehead
and the trees are beautiful where you are

this is homecoming
safe in my Father's arms

Flashbacks

At the moment I am overwhelmed  by horrifying flashbacks of police brutality and injustice, and I cannot write logically.
When I am overwhelmed by anger and distress and memories, I am better not writing as I cannot usually come out with a calm and reasonable post.

When I write about what has happened, I relive it as well.

Hallelujah

It was just another day, some time around Easter, I was sitting in the library and listening to this song.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GMOcFfauf9Q

My links don't work any more, it is 'Hallelujah' from Shrek.
Interestingly enough, I remember Ian LeMarquand's daughter playing it at housegroup when she and her husband were trying for a baby, I think she thought the song was somthing to do with God, but I am not so sure, but I was listening to it anyway, that day, at that time, and it still resounds.

It was then, after all that time, that I heard that the Dean had been suspended, and I had a collapse, the second one, the first having been caused by the Diocese setting the police on me.
The words ring through my head 'It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah'.
It was too late for them to suddenly do anything, the damage was done to me, and could not be undone, and since that cold and broken news that day, I have suffered horrendously.

Right, here is an extract from an email from the Diocese, which makes their whole campaign of the past year completely senseless.
This is from one of Jane Fisher's denial emails, all of which is omitted from the Korris report to save her skin and damn me, and incidentally, those who still don't know, it was Jane Fisher's senseless and incongrent and hurtful emails that sent me mad.

I know the Dean does not disbelieve what you have said. Nor does he side with **** The Dean is in a difficult position in that he too has to work within the procedures that govern the church. The Dean hasn't sided with ****  or against you. He has to make sure that he is neutral so he can make any decisions or recommend any action without being biased. If that has seemed to you to be taking ****'s side against you I am sorry - and that really isn't the case.



Why then did they suspend the Dean then? Why is the Dean seeing the churchwarden and his wife first, trying to tell me abuse was a bit of a harsh word for it, and proceeding to try and prevent the complaint him being neutral?
Why was the Dean calling me wicked and saying I was not abused neutral?
And if, according to the Jersey Deanery, the Dean saw the churchwarden first because I was harassing him, why was the Dean then still involved in the abuse complaint?