The Jersey side of things

The reason I have been writing about pre-Jersey background is that a lot of untruths and misleading information has been spread about by the clergy and laity of the Jersey Deanery and the Ould bully, so I am telling some of my adult background. I am unlikely to share in depth my childhood, but I would like to tell the truth of both Jersey and my adult life before Jersey.
I don't think I need to tell you my childhood, it was bad enough to leave me with avoidant attachment disorder and severe psychological problems, which have gone untreated as an adult and not because I didn't want help, as you will see from my story, but the lack of help, support and diagnosis in adulthood helped to lead to the meltdown I had in Jersey.

written 15/07/2013 on the old blog

What a terrible day peeps,
The corrupt conflict of interests investigation that the Diocese called and refuse to withdraw, is going ahead.
And the leader has been jeering at me through one of the advocates that the Diocese used to destroy me.
I will post you my formal letter of complaint tomorrow.
What a terrible day.
They aren't going to stop until they kill me, that is obvious.

Bullet point chronology 3 from the other blog

• After I moved to my lodgings away from Winchester, I really was standing on my own two feet at last, aged 20, which was not too surprising because in everything I was usually a few years behind everyone in my age group and really quite immature and childlike. But I wanted to progress and be independent.
• I continued to return to the Vicar's benefice weekly as I was heavily involved in church groups and events and also because I still had gardens to look after in the Vicar's benefice and Winchester as well as my work during the week.
• I also started to attend the church in my new town. Interestingly the smear campaign in Jersey that blames me for all problems I have had in the Diocese of Winchester omits that I have been to several churches including this one where I had no trouble further than the usual social and communication difficulties.
• the  church at the time was run by a Vicar and his wife, this vicar was a big tall hearty man, known in town as 'The Giant'. Interestingly, but this is a theme throughout my story, he had connections with my churches at Winchester. This Vicar had been the Vicar of the churches at Winchester that my Vicar friend now ran, and there had been problems and quarrels after he left because he kept coming back and leading and taking services even when my Vicar friend was installed, and they had had quite a row and she professed to dislike him, she told me that she had had to ask the Bishop of Winchester to intervene. She told me that it was the only time she had ever got any help or co-operation at all from Bishop Scott-Joynt.
• It's funny that this dysfunctional diocese blames me for everything isn't it?
• Anyway, so I began to worship at a combination of  church in my town and the churches in the Winchester benefice,  I found the town church very different and I got caught up in what I did not know would be known as 'Charismatic' worship, the Diocese of Winchester appear to want all their churches to lean towards charismatic, and that is driving away people who want more steady worship, which is sad, but anyway, I got caught up in it, I had experienced it previously at  Church in Winchester, where again I was perfectly ok and got to know a few people although my vicar friend did cause problems between me and some other  Church people in Winchester in her interventions which were to become a habit in my life right up until I was in Jersey. But anyway, Winchester Church and my town Church, so far so good, no abuse, no-one taking over my life or crossing professional boundaries, no-one taking control of me, and so I was ok.
• But on the other hand I wasn't ok, because no-one really understood my lack of communication skills and Charismatic churches are all bright and friendly on the outside but your problems go deeper and you can't 'God them away' people lose interest and are not sure what to do.
• So I got a variety of reaction to my problems, there was a group of young people, my age, one of whom befriended me and remained a friend, she lived up the road from me and we did various things together, the other young people, mainly men, were also shy, and we never knew what to say to each other, while the girl who became my friend was very charismatic and said she would never marry a man who was not a Christian, but the other young men weren't interested in going out with her and she said she was lonely.
• Anyway, the other people in church, the Vicar was the one who made the teas and coffees after church in the evening, and I asked him why, and he said no-one would bother to help him or even stay if he didn't. So I got into the routine of helping him.
• The church people were variable, as a large group of people are, some were friendly, some didn't understand me, but there were no real problems. Someone once thought I 'stormed out' during a hymn, but actually it was because of the sharpness of the violin that someone, I think it may have been the Vicar's wife, was playing, I was undiagnosed and did not understand that sharp noises hurt me because of AS, but it was actually someone in the church who helped me to realise I was on the Autistic Spectrum, as well as talking to me about hypersensitivity.
• It remained that there were no real problems in the church. But I never really grew fond of them. The Vicar and his wife had problems, and those problems included the Vicar's wife being mentally ill, I think it was depression, but it disrupted their lives and service badly at one point, it made me realise, again, that even people with dog collars and in postions in the church are not infallible and not perfect, this was driven home to me even more when their teenage daughter started sleeping with one of my work colleagues, she didn't appear to be solidly in a relationship with him, just sleeping with him, and it made me wonder again, what the point of a Christian upbringing in the Church of England is actually worth? Very sad. But nonetheless, I am condemned worse than anyone who actually 'belongs' in the church due to dog collar or family, because I am autistic and I do not 'belong', at least not in the Diocese of Winchester, but at the time and until I was driven from Winchester two years ago, I had never known another Diocese, I have known other Diocese since, and I have seen things done so much better and much more inclusively in other diocese.
• at some point a new clergyman arrived at the church, he was a friend of my Vicar friend at Winchester, and was at college with her at evening class, doing an MA in Theology, which she eventually dropped out of. He was ok, but my Vicar friend talking about me to him and giving the wrong view of me was not helpful. But anyway, he preached sermons about hellfire and brimstone and how we would perish in our wicked ways, which was great fun, but when I told my vicar friend, she was not impressed. But anyway, this clergyman's wife, when I went to her when I was wrestling with life, told me she thought I had Asperger Syndrome and that was why I was struggling.

Transferred from the other blog - a brief chronology part 1 and 2 The other blog was known as 'My Terrible experience of the Diocese of Winchester' it contained 21 posts, most of which are on this blog, and is now offline, replaced by this one

Ok, lets see if I myself can drag myself out of the stupor and blank memory caused by trauma and do you a very brief chronology:

• Aged 19, my counsellor, who was also a vicar, was crossing boundaries and intervening in my relationships at college, she also arranged a dud work placement for me that could not possibly succeed, she then took me home to her family as I reminded her of the stepdaughter she had had to give up when she had to choose between the step-daughter and her violent tempered husband.
• I was abused by her husband aged 19 and 20.
• I became part of her church and community, she was no longer my counsellor but was in charge of my life and told people her view of me, which enraged me as it was inaccurate and unhelpful.
• There were no queries about safeguarding, the safeguarding director of the Winchester Diocese was not alerted, even when I lived with this vicar and her husband and was abused sexually and verbally by the husband and abused by the Vicar manipulating my life because I was the image of the step-daughter she had had to abandon, who was herself very emotionally damaged by her father's violent temper.
• I continued for many years to be part of the church community and had stable, long-term friends and put in hundreds of hours of voluntary work for the church and community - but Jane Fisher had no interest in this side of my story, nor did the Jersey clergy in the recent smear campaign against me.
• After being placed in a sheltered house by the Vicar, I started to grow up and gain confidence, despite the sheltered house being an unstable setup, with a recent suicide that went undiscovered until the body started to smell, and one agency support worker who was only there part time. i did not benefit from the 'sheltered' environment but I did gain from being at a distance from the vicar and her husband, and when he continued advances I reported him to her.
• At first the Vicar said she believed me because her step-daughter, his daughter, had also made allegations, and that he had become impotent after she (the Vicar) refused him sex due to his tantrums, she confronted him and they had one of their (fairly regular) blazing rows, they had a period of not speaking to each other (also fairly frequent), and she got another church member who was a Freeemason in the same lodge as her husband to speak to him, while she spoke to another woman.
• When the Vicar and her husband had marital problems, which was all the time, the Vicar said she would never speak to Wolvsley about it because they were cold and they were snobbish and she wouldn't get any help from them, she said that instead she spoke to Bishop Trevor (Wilmott) who was the then Bishop of Basingstoke, the Vicar and Bishop Trevor had a warm friendship and it was rumoured, even by the Vicar, that he fancied her. the Vicar was sad that he was going to move away.
• So before I ever made contact with the Diocese of Winchester, I had been given the impression of them by the Vicar and her husband that they were cold and uncaring and snobbish, this was reinforced several times as my years in the Diocese of Winchester continued.

 A brief Chronology part 2:

• The Vicar at first said that she believed me about her husband and that her step-daughter had said the same thing about him and that she thought he had got frustrated about her refusing sex because of his tantrums, she also said that this made him impotent.
• But then she changed her tune and kept saying it was 'six of one and half-a-dozen of the other/ that I was equally to blame or that I was wholly to blame due to being a flirt.
• This caused a permenant rift, because I continued to feel very hurt by this for the rest of the time I knew the Vicar, though we remained friends. 
• The Vicar did not report the matter to the Bishop or safeguarding director. Instead, she told me that if I reported him to anyone it would be my word against his, and she wouldn't answer when I asked her where she would be in things if I did report him.
• Later that same year she got her husband to give me lifts to church-twinning events, despite what had happened. He did start to be flirtatious again, but didn't go very far.
• I think it is important to say at this point that I was now damaged by the Damaged by abuse and lack of safeguarding in the Diocese of Winchester on top of the background that I had come from. 
• The Vicar used to go to relate because of her marital problems, she tried to get her husband to go with her, but he refused, this was previous to me being around.
• The Vicar's parents lived with her, they said it was to 'look after her' because they said her husband didn't look after her. There were often big arguments involving the whole family. while I was around, these arguments involved the Vicar helping me, me being blamed for the abuse, and how alike I was to the Vicar's step-daughter and what her husband did to the step/daughter, the rows did not help me to recover from my childhood as it was the same sort of thing, and it left me disillusioned about the church of england and Christianity.
• I got confirmation of the Vicar and her husband's complaints about Wolvsley when I was snubbed by the Bishop's wife after previously being spoken to by her. I continued to be told about how cold Wolvsley could be and how they had snubbed the benefice administrator from the Vicar's benefice.
• I didn't blame them for snubbing him shortly after that, when he ran off with a girl from Old Alresford Place, the headquarters of the Diocese of Winchester, further dissilusioning me as he and her were both employees of the Diocese, and the Diocese is supposedly about Christianity, but the benefice administrator ran off with this other employee, leaving his wife alone and dying of cancer. This was within my first few years in the Diocese of Winchester but it took me a long time, ten years of incidents like this, to realise that the church of england do not have, promote or care about morals. I had come to the Diocese believing that sex outside of marriage was wrong, as well as having a number of other ethical beliefs, which the church of england did not uphold.
• The Vicar, for some reason, presumably, but not necessarily because I told her about her husband abusing me, told me very personal things about her own sex life, and further disillusioned me.
• The things the Vicar told me included how her husband had become impotent when she refused him sex, how she and other students at college had put a copy of 'the joy of sex' in the College Dean's letter tray/pigeonhole/similar and his wife had not been amused, she also told me that she had allowed herself to be picked up for sex by a married man and spent the night at his house and his wife had been angry in the morning, she also told me that she had masturbated a man from a breakdown company when she was alone in the woods with him and her broken down car while her husband had gone to get help. Telling me these things continued my disillusionment with the church of England as I could not work out how people in positions in the church and who called themselves Christians could do things like this. This also upset my own confused boundaries and I did not know what was right to talk about and what was not, as, at this time, I was still outgrowing my terrible upbringing and trying to learn where I stood as a young adult. But who has been slandered as trouble in the church? These people in positions in the church who have behaved badly? or me? me.
• I was very swiftly baptised and confirmed into the church of england, too quickly, and given no real understanding of the church, it's calender or what confirmation meant. The people present at my baptism included the Vicar, her husband and two people who later supported the Vicar and her husband when I returned from Jersey, even though I had told them about the abuse and they had never reported it to the Diocese. My Baptism was a rush job a week before confirmation, and I wasn't ready, nor was it a real baptism in my understanding, having been brought up to believe that Baptism was immersion, and this baptism done so quickly that I understood nothing, it was not about me but about the Vicar's agenda and a production line confirmation. I later re-baptised myself in the sea, unwittingly upsetting a few people in church?
• Aged 20 I moved to a town away from Winchester, where I was working by then, I made the move quite suddenly and startled the Vicar, I was then living and working independently and to celebrate, I took the Vicar and her husband out for a meal, it was only at a cheap cafe and we had a laugh about it, but I had told them it was to try and express my gratitude to the Vicar for looking after me, because despite the problems, she was my friend and I loved her.

Lets go back 17, back to my past aged 21+ injury time

I was still at college in the evenings and enjoying it, it was a long tiring Journey in the evening after work, the 10 or so miles to college on my little motorbike, but I kept plodding along, I enjoyed my coursework and progressed nicely, doing a soil profile pit in the grounds at work and other such things.
The problem with the course though, was that they were trying to teach a two year course in a year, and they realised that too late, it was a new course and had not been planned well, and the tutor spent a tremendous amount of time waffling about his life, his experiences, his wife’s wealthy family and his ten year old grandson or was it nephew looking at porn on his computer and other useless things, as well as making rude and sexist jokes with the men in the class, he thought women in horticulture was a joke, so we barely learned the first of four modules that should have been learned in the year, and I could not keep up the momentum of coming all that way for the eight or so ‘extra sessions’ which he promised, especially as some of these were at the weekend, and I was freelance working in L. and S. every weekend.

 The weekends were special it was all about being back in my old community and mixing valuable freelance work with time with friends and church. I used to have breakfast with JM on Saturday morning after the dog walk, and then jokingly tell her I was off to my next breakfast, which made her laugh too, in reality I then went to do my freelance work, which took up long hours at the weekend and was only interrupted by morning and evening church on Sunday, and any community and church events I had agreed to help with.

I took and passed one module exam for the course, this was the module that the tutor did actually finish teaching us, I took this exam the day after a motorbike accident, and I was sitting in casualty revising instead of being in college, It was a cold icy day, and my motorbike skidded on black ice and I ended up on the road with the bike on top of me, I was lucky, I got away with bruises and a cracked arm, it didn’t even need bandage or plaster, but since then I can tell the weather by that arm, it aches when rain is on the way, or in very cold weather, the exam went well, though I never got to do the training and the other exams for that rather screwed up course, it was the first year that the course had been run and they misjudged the time it would take to teach it and the following year they changed it to a two year course, I was and am disappointed, but the sweet thing about that exam day was that JM came up and bought me lunch afterwards. We had lunch in the college canteen.
She said I looked dreadful and she was surprised I made it to the exam.

A week later I had another accident, I was working with (two colleagues), we were cutting back conifer trees so that they could be felled, as far as I remember what happened was that I fell backwards from the tree that I was working on and caught under my shoulderblade on the next tree that had been cut back, it was one heck of a blow to the shoulderblade and under it, and I nearly fainted, this was on the opposite arm from the motorbike injury,  it took my colleagues a minute to realise that I was injured, and then I had to go off duty.

 I saw a doctor but my doctor’s surgery was not a good one, it was dirty, always overcrowded and the doctor was always about half an hour late, the doctor had no time for me and told me that I would be fine in a day or two, sadly it was years before this injury was repaired, so she was wrong.

I went back and struggled through work, I was still recovering from the motorbike accident, and my supervisor was having problems in her private life and had no patience with me at all, so I tried hard to work, scared of the supervisor, and went back to the doctor who referred me to the hospital for physiotherapy, yay.

I had to wait, and then months of physio barely helped my shoulder, and I had to be careful with my work, I lost some movement in the arm and it hurt, then one day I saw an advert for a private clinic that helped with injuries, they seemed to have good accredition and were offering a special budget plan where you pay a monthly fee and that covered the cost of as much help as you needed, desperate for a solution I enquired, and they registered me and assessed my injury, the therapist explained to me the nature of the injury and how things were out of place in the injury site, no one else had explained anything or tried to put things back in place, not even the physios at the hospital, nice as they were.

This man carefully manipulated the out of place things into place, warning me to be careful for a while or it might come back out of place, and he kept working on it, and to my surprise, it got better, I had got to a point where I thought it was a lifelong injury and that it would end my career, but wow, I recovered, this was some time after the injury though, so it had affected my performance for a few years. And the clinic fees were yet another drain on my resources.

(Just adding to this above, which was written in 2011, the clinic kept taking money from my bank after I had cancelled the plan, which was a pain, and it is very possible some of the residual problems I have with my neck stem from that old injury).

13/07/2013

Good morning,
The Bishop was silent yesterday. Friday is supposed to be when he launches any attacks. Nothing happened. Which probably means that he and his 'safeguarding director' are putting their heads together about how to get me arrested again without getting into any bother.

For a limited time, because I am really not supposed to, I will let you read my psychological report, which is a very different opinion to that of the Diocese and Deanery who have made me out to be mad and bad.

Psychological report:

12th July 2013 

TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN


Re: J. H
(Dob) ********


I am a clinical psychologist and work for the NHS and I am also an associate of ********* ***** in that capacity. I have worked as a psychologist for twenty years.

J. H. came to ********* ****** in January this year requesting help to understand and more effectively manage her emotions, in order to improve her relationships.  J. also wanted to reassure herself that she is not “mad”. I believe the latter concern has followed both as a consequence of the traumas she has experienced and because of others’ reportedly malign attitudes towards her following these experiences. I have met J. a number of times over this period, and she has talked to me about her very troubled upbringing as well as the difficulties she has faced since then.  

J. talked about her family in which she is one of fifteen siblings all brought up by their biological parents. J. described her father as authoritative, punitive and sometimes physically abusive. For example, J. recounted that she had only attended school for two terms when she was about eight years old and she was largely home-taught by her father. J. stated that her father used to beat her for not doing well at maths.  J. said that she later discovered that she had a specific learning difficulty with mathematics (dyscalculia).  Despite this poor educational experience, J. observed that at 14 she bought her own books from money she earned from paper rounds and taught herself. J. attained five GCSEs at age 16 and a further two since then. J. later went to a careers advisor who suggested that she take up a course in horticulture and agriculture.

J. further observed that she felt that although her father could not cope well with the demands of life he was better at seeing to the children’s needs than her mother who she described as more often ill or too “obsessed” by concerns outside the family to be emotionally and practically accessible to her children.  For example, J. noted that her mother would be involved with Court cases and quarrels with the neighbours. In this context, J. recounted that the family sometimes lived in hostels for the homeless, at times in council housing. J. recounted that her family was seen in the eyes of others as the “the family from hell”, and often targeted by the neighbours in some communities including having fireworks put in the letter box, and in which communities gang violence was prevalent. Overall, J.’s account was of an extremely unstable and disrupted home life.  J. noted that she experienced extreme emotional distress when she was 12 years old.  

J. further described her parents as having rigidly held, extreme beliefs about the educational establishment and the medical profession, noting that her parents distrusted doctors and midwives. For example, J. noted that her mother did not call an ambulance when her father was critically ill because the “hospital would try to kill him”, and that doctors could be “practising warlocks”. These paranoid beliefs resulted in the children being raised in an insular, cultish atmosphere in which J. and her siblings were “terrified” to refute such beliefs. 

This brief description alone would be sufficient to suggest that J. might develop significant emotional problems arising from disrupted attachments to parents, and an overall parental inadequacy in providing a nurturing environment. In the absence of protective factors, for example, at least one significant nurturing adult, these experiences are likely to lead to later difficulties in relationships. 

J. left home when she was 17, with the idea of seeking a “normal” life. She has not since returned and she noted that her father died a few years ago. J. attended college where she met a counsellor who was also a Vicar of the local church in the Winchester diocese. J. initially found the counsellor helpful but that this person had crossed her professional boundaries in her role as counsellor. J. apparently reminded the counsellor of one of her own family members and the counsellor befriended her rather than maintaining a professional relationship. J. stated that the counsellor, being also a vicar, encouraged J. to join the church, which J. did.  J. recounted that between 19 and 20 years old the Vicar’s husband sexually abused her. J. noted that the Vicar did not believe that this had happened. Since then J. has experienced the secondary trauma of not only being disbelieved but accused by Church officials of being “mad”.  J.’s efforts to have her complaint upheld have resulted, she said, in being unjustly incarcerated by the police for “harassing” the church. J. noted that she was also physically assaulted by police officers during this episode. J. recounted her experience of being sexually abused in Jersey when she was 26 years old. J.’s story is one in which repeated efforts to be heard have fallen on deaf ears. J. noted that she had once attempted suicide but has not done since. J. described herself as fit and strong before becoming homeless and had enjoyed life. J. has since been struggling to overcome both the trauma of sexual abuse and the negative impact of not having her voice heard by officials, an issue well documented in other such cases.

In relation to the traumas J. has experienced flashbacks and nightmares, and avoids people other than friends whom she knows to be trustworthy; she experiences high levels of anxiety when thinking of these issues, very noticeable in sessions with J..  J. has interpreted her anger as problematic yet these feelings are to be understood in the context of the abuse she has suffered and are well documented in the experiences of post traumatic stress. J. shows some insight into the difficulties with her relationships and her feelings and has tried assiduously both to understand her experiences and to improve herself from these.  Despite her parents’ distrust of doctors and her learnt discomfort with them, J. sought medical help and was diagnosed with Aspergers syndrome when she was 25. One of the key issues experienced by people with this condition is some difficulty in relating to others. For example, it is often not easy for people with Aspergers to understand the intentions or motives of others. J. noted that she becomes anxious about others’ views of her, but this is hardly surprising in the light of her having internalised so many negative views of herself both from her early family experiences and by the perpetrators of the sexual abuse she has experienced, and those who have reportedly refused her justice.

In my opinion, J. is suffering from post-traumatic stress brought about by sexual abuse and exacerbated by the responses she has experienced from the Church in her attempts to seek justice. 
J. has a history of depression arising from this and has difficulty sustaining relationships, although she has a few understanding friends.  J.’s experiences have been and continue to be further compounded by the limits imposed by Aspergers on her social communication skills, making her very vulnerable to exploitation by others. Such potential exploitation and abuse may be facilitated by J.’s already fragile sense of self. Despite these significant difficulties J. evidently displays strength and tenacity in trying to overcome the impact of her past experiences. Her desire to come to terms with the past and to improve her life says more about her “normality” than anything else. I believe that J. will need a lot of further support in her endeavours to achieve these outcomes. 



Please do not hesitate to contact me should you require any further information.

10/07/13 Sunny Winchester - why the 'apologies and investigations' could never really bring justice

Greetings from sunny Winchester.
I am sitting here with impunity, remembering the police brutality I suffered c/o the Diocese of Winchester.

The Winchester I loved and all my beloved people here are a shadow of a memory, hidden behind the more recent Winchester of two years ago, the one where the Diocese slandered me and drove me as I was homeless and suffering, a Winchester where everyone looked at me and spoke of me with contempt and spread the rumours that Jane Fisher shared to protect the Diocese and malign me.
That Winchester remains overpoweringly close. But here in the sunshine, the new Winchester is peaceful. For now.

some of those apologies-in-theory

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/religion/9919405/Archbishop-of-Canterbury-offers-personal-apology-to-victim-over-abuse-claims.html

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2290704/Archbishop-Canterbury-offers-personal-apology-victim-abused-cleric-badly-let-church-investigation.html

published on 09/07/2013 - Diocese and Deanery

I just thought I would share briefly with you about the theology and way of the Diocese of Winchester, where I suffered a number of hurts for ten years and had no idea that outside of the Diocese of Winchester, the Church of England might do things differently. Better.

I have since being driven from Winchester found that it is different in other dioceses, it is better.

I would just like to share some thoughts that cry out in my head and wont settle.

• The clergy in Jersey have not behaved in any sort of a Christian way in their slander and untruths about me that have been transported to the general public through the press and the meeting at Grouville.
• The Clergy in Jersey have done and are doing some damaging things that harm vulnerable people, and yet they are not being slandered and destroyed as they slandered and destroyed me.
• The Diocese of Winchester has been lacking in proper safeguarding or enforcement of safeguarding policy in all the time I have known them, if they had ever had a proper safeguarding process and policy then I would not be ruined and blamed by the safeguarding officer for my reaction to everything that has happened to me.
• The smear campaign against me tries to do two things, first claim that I have 'caused trouble' in two parishes in the Winchester Diocese previously, and then that I have 'made complaints' in two different places previously. I feel that it is my right to correct that - I didn't randomly 'cause trouble', I dealt with bad situations and abuse that occured when other people in the church with problems of their own tried to make 'curing' me into a panacea for their own problems, also when I was abused, and in both cases there was no sign of any effective safeguarding policy. I also never made any complaints before I was abused in Jersey, I made all complaints in Jersey when the Dean was able to involve people who had previously hurt me in the Diocese of Winchester and those people, the Dean and the abusers worked together to give me a bad name.
• Another rumour was that I was trying to get compensation from the Diocese. As yet, despite offers of help to get compensation, I have never tried. I love God more than money.
• The Catholic Church, despite it's historic abuse problems, has been much safer and kinder to me than the Church of England Diocese of Winchester.
• I suffer the after-effects of the Diocese of Winchester so badly that I still have deep trust and panic issues to do with church, but my church/es know and understand this.

I will continue writing tomorrow. Do look at Bob Hill's latest blog, which you can find a link to on the top right hand side of this blog.

Post continued on 10/07/2013

The clergy smear campaign against me in Jersey:

• The clergy in Jersey, in their desparate smear campaign against me make me out to have 'caused trouble' in two parishes in the Diocese of Winchester, they do not appear to want to know about the trouble caused to me by sexual abuse and being manipulated by people who had their own needs and mental health problems, notably including the mother-in-law of one of the clergy in Jersey. 
• They also omit the other parishes where I was able to be part of church without anyone taking me home and subjecting me to sexual or emotional abuse. They omit that I had no 'trouble' in these parishes.
• They omit the hundreds of hours of voluntary work I did for church and community despite being hurt by the snobbishness in the wealthy Diocesan churches who singularly had no understanding of autism or poverty, they also omit the friendships I had without any 'trouble' despite my autism meaning that I do struggle with relationships - unfortunately the unchristian clergy make no allowances for such things and would rather brand me trouble than be responsible for their own behaviour.
• Funny isn't it? how they have branded and slandered me, and yet these are neurotypical, well-off and well-fed people who singularly have not suffered hardship or disability. These are 'God's representatives' and they can lie and slander me and show the whole world an example of Christianity which should empty the churches.

written 09/07/2013 'Being Homeless'

Hi,
so many people have asked me about homelessness.

so what is it like being a homeless rough sleeper?

Well, actually it feels perfectly natural, it was traumatic at first, but everything was trauma back when I was made homeless for standing up to the church of England.

In the beginning I was cold and tired, homeless in one of the worst winters for many years.
But I survived, grew, and homelessness became natural to me, especially as trying  to sleep indoors led to me becoming distressed and panicky, and back then, indoors was where I felt most at risk from the Diocese of Winchester, who continued to hurt me in every way possible.

Although I can now cope better with indoors, I do still suffer. And find that the suffering is relieved by going back outdoors.

When I think of giving up my homeless life, or being forced off the streets by renewed interention by the Diocese of Winchester, I become distressed and grief-stricken and I want to grab my life tightly in my hands and yell 'No!' at them.

Ok, sometimes life is hard, I go hungry or I get wet and cold and dirty. But that is part of my life now.
I was never well-off, and often went hungry when I lived indoors, and struggled to make enough money to pay the rent.
At least I dont have to worry about rent now.

It's not so bad out here.

written 03/07/2013 on the old blog: 'The Shock of My life, The Diocese pretending that they cared'

It was in March 2013 that things went wrong. I didn’t consciously know that anything had happened at first, but subconsciously maybe I did, but at the time I attributed the increasingly strong nightmares about Jane Fisher, Bob Key, Jersey and the police to the fact I was trying to learn to live indoors. My sleep went down to a few hours a night and I was in such emotional distress during the days that it was difficult to function normally.

Even though for some odd reason, I was getting emails from people in Jersey and people from the past I didn’t think, even when an email said ‘have you heard the news’, these people were from my distressing past and as far as I was concerned they had no news for me. So I left their emails unopened as I was under enough stress from trying to teach myself to be a house dweller again, and I felt deeply vulnerable as a registered house dweller even under my new identity I was in fear of Jane Fisher and the police - this fear very logically being caused by Jane Fisher and the Bishop repeatedly coming after me with the police when I responded to their negative interventions in my life.

Within a few weeks I had realised that I could not live indoors. I could only afford cheap lodgings which I paid for from my welfare benefits as I knew that the struggle to explain myself to Housing Benefit would be too much and I was always in danger of abandoning the tenancy or being traced by the diocese anyway, especially as I could not get the right support to help me to learn to be a house dweller. I also could not really afford to pay my own rent, low as it was.
My main barrier to housedwelling is the flashbacks, distress, terrors, bad memories and despair because of Jane Fisher and Bishop Scott-Joynt and the Dean of Jersey and their police interventions against me in response to my protests at their refusal to deal with my complaint and their bad handling (to put it mildly) of my complaint.

The cheap lodgings was in a lodging house and I was the only female there, still suffering PTSD and quite frightened by some of the behaviour of the men in the house and feeling a bit intimidated. So I was longing to return to the streets, especially as the memories and distresses of Jersey were coming back to me too strongly, and at the time I thought it was simply from being indoors, and maybe it was.

Before I left the house I managed to get very ill, the hygiene in the house was bad and a drug addict who had been very ill for months had just moved out and the guy who took the vacant room became just as sick and was taken to hospital, and then I got sick too.
I moved out while I was ill and back homeless I went through one of the worst bouts of illness that I ever remember. Whooping cough and pneumonia.

I was afraid to see a doctor because I have been treated really badly in the years since Jersey because Jane Fisher and the former Bishop really wanted me to be insane and locked up and I was also not willing to see a doctor in case I was traced. Even though all attempts to certify me insane failed because sadly I am not. PTSD and autism are not madness and cannot be treated as such.

In the end I went to a hospital and they said I was ok, recovering, I had been so very ill and it was a relief to know they thought I was ok. They would have admitted me if I had gone when I was really ill, and I could not allow that, I could not be captive somewhere and have the police turn up, I remain living in fear in that way.

I still didn’t know what had happened with the diocese but I had returned to sleeping rough and it felt amazing! Yeah! Lying there looking at the stars as I fell asleep I was at peace.
The time between evening and morning is when I am happiest, the diocese of Winchester destroyed me but they gave me the gift of a sky full of stars and so few people get to enjoy such a gift any more, so I really appreciate it.
I love the evenings when I walk quietly alone with my headphones in and my music on, I love to lie down in my blankets and gaze at the sky and I love to get up in the quiet early morning and walk the quiet roads and stop and gaze, this is heaven to me and I am now in fear that that diocese intend to rip this from me.

Anyway, then I got an email from the policeman who had traced me and I was deeply shocked. I only read the first lines and couldn’t believe what I was hearing.
Firstly my new identity was shattered and I was once again open and vulnerable to police and diocese cruelty and attacks and slander.

All I read of the police email was that they had traced me and this policeman called me ‘Ms’ and my new name in capitals as if he was jeering. And then that ‘the diocese wished to support me through local church groups’ and something about the historic abuse case in Jersey. What historic abuse case? I was furious, why, after the way Jane Fisher and Bishop Scott-Joynt repeatedly drove me from help by slandering me and ommitting either that I was disabled or that I had been abused, were they talking about local church groups???

Firstly there are no local church groups that help abuse victims, none, churches shun abuse victims and safeguard against them, secondly I am not in that area or diocese, thirdly I have no intention of belonging anywhere where Jane Fisher and the diocese of Winchester can humiliate me or involve themselves with their side of things as Jane Fisher and Bishop Scott-Joynt did before. Basically after what has happened, this being traced and violated and humiliated for the sake of fictional help was ludicrous! If the diocese had anything to say to me which was in MY interests and not just them covering their backs, they would have emailed me themselves as they have my email addresses and were more than capable of doing this without deliberately degrading me with further police action that I had not merited.

I was in shock when I got this email and it was Maundy Thursday and there was nowhere to go for help.
I walked up to one of the churches and there was a church man there, he recognized me and happily started telling me about bedding plants for the church garden and then realized I was crying and shaking. He phoned his wife and got the number of a church person who I talk to and she came to the church and held my hand. I did not understand why the diocese had set the police on me and shattered my privacy and left me open to the horrific continuation of the cycle of being violated by Jane Fisher and Scott-Joynt and then being attacked by the police for answering and asking for justice and restoration, all I knew was that the police had come after me for the diocese.
So the church lady held my hand and comforted me and she said no-one in her church had betrayed me to the diocese and the police as far as she knew, because I have the horror that someone has indeed betrayed me and left me damaged by this, because the police got my details somewhere and somewhere I will be shamed and embarrassed when I go to see old friends. And also I was repeatedly betrayed by churches because of behind-my-back-intervention by the Diocese of Winchester before I escaped from them two years ago.

Anyway, then the minister arrived and was told I had had a shock and he came and sat with me and talked gently. Then I helped him to prepare for the Holy Communion Service, and that took my mind off things.
I still had no knowledge of the full situation, and in truth I still don’t.

Easter was hell because of being traced by the police, there was nowhere to go and no-one to turn to, which is the usual in the Christmas and Easter holidays but worse because of the police. The Easter Sunday service was lovely but because of the fact I was no longer hidden and safe from Jane Fisher and the police after two years, I felt unsafe in church and I remembered Vicar Tim at Romsey Abbey coming and shouting at me and saying he had been speaking to Jane Fisher about me, and all the cold accusatory one-sided things he repeated from Jane Fisher before I ran off crying in the night and went to a police station but was too scared of being beaten and locked up to tell them to make Jane Fisher go away. I did not want the old priest at this church to do the same accusatory shouting and telling me how bad I was.
Because, after a very very long time of deep fear and wariness, I have learned to love again, and I love my church/es, because they have showed me that church and Christianity is not the way the Diocese of Winchester portray it, and I have just started to believe them.

When the holidays thankfully finished, I was in the library and still being badgered by emails about Jersey and the Diocese so when I was signing into my emails I looked at the news stories and found the story.
Something about Jersey and the Archbishop and Bishop apologizing and the Dean being suspended.
Again I stumbled outside crying.
I am as raw as if I have no skin and I cannot cope with much stress at all.

I went back up to the church and thankfully my friend from last time was actually there, she came to sit with me and held my hand again as I blurted out something about the news saying the Bishop apologized, my friend said I should be turning cartwheels and wasn’t I happy?
No, I was traumatized by all of it, all of it in the papers and all of the past being dragged up and the police, I didn’t know anything about this report that I was being badgered about by email. I felt vulnerable and frightened because I was traced by the police, I felt shocked and depressed, because despite the flashbacks and the unhealed wounds, I had tried to leave this in the past as Jane Fisher was always coldly telling me to leave what had happened to me in the past because my pain was of no relevance and I was not valid.

So no, no cartwheels, just shock, there is nothing that will make me hopeful or joyful any more, the pain has been too deep for too long, I like my walks in the dark and in the early morning and I like lying on the ground and watching the stars as I fall asleep but I do not feel joy at the church of england suddenly, too late, forcing upon me something that is to do with their politics rather than my welfare and doing it very publicly and having me intimidated and distressed by the police for their own ends at the same time.

So, I was in crisis and still trying to shake off the illness that tends to come back just when I think it has gone.  I had to ask those offering me pastoral care to stop as it was upsetting me too much, these were church people, and until I had an assurance from the diocese of Winchester that they are going to leave me alone, I did not feel safe or able to let anyone help me (in reality I am still living in fear0, and while I am in fear of a police attack I feel almost unable to even see the psychologist, after all, if you are going to be beaten and locked in then there is no point in paying for psychology because it cannot undo that.

I continued to try and maintain the rest of my routine while no longer attending church or having help. It is hard to keep a routine when you are depressed and homeless but thankfully what I was taught by MIND about keeping myself going during crisis is helping a lot.
(MIND is a source of help I refer myself to when I need them, they have helped me since I referred myself when I was a young adult before my Asperger Syndrome was officially recognized).

Anyway, I continued to hear about Jersey, bit by bit, and continued to fight the distress and memories brought back to me.
I was told by email that the Dean will simply be reinstated because all the Bishop has done is cause a constitutional crisis in Jersey, and I myself was surprised that the Bishop even suspended the Dean, because I was told by the Dean himself and some of his clergy in Jersey while I was there that the Bishop could do nothing to him and nothing to them so they could effectively do as they pleased and I would not be listened to.

What horrified me was the complete lack of response from the Archbishop or Wolvsley when I frantically tried to contact them, which cemented the fact that this whole farce was in fact nothing to do with me but to do with something political that I did not know about, this didn’t surprise me as the church of England are unmotivated and unmoved by abuse victims and their ‘safeguarding’ policy simply ensures that disabled people and vulnerable people are excluded, isolated, shunned and unable to make friends, because no-one is allowed to be alone with them or take them home or take them out, the church of England treats us as profane, as lesser beings, by keeping this policy behind the backs of vulnerable people.

And so why would they be apologizing to me, especially as they launched a police attack at the same time! But Wolvsley have nothing to say, neither does the Archbishop.
I have made a complaint about being traced but that complaint is about the policeman, the diocese of Winchester remain untouchable and a constant threat to me and I despair because it seems that I would have to seek asylum abroad to escape them, and I am tired, I do not want to go unless I have to, but the dread silence and the danger of police attacks and the confusion remains.

Jersey is obviously the same, the internet is full of articles and blogs, and in true Jersey style some of the information is very vicious, some in support of the Dean and some not, some blatantly attacking him and some blatantly attacking me.
The thing is, the Diocese of Winchester may be under some illusion that my identity and the identities of other parties is concealed, but believe me, those few Jerseypeople who did not already know about this, do now and most people do know all the names of those involved, especially since a very blatant breach of confidences occurred.

There are some very good Jersey blogs, which are providing real information on what has been happening, countering that awful Korris report and the very very nasty slander against me by clergy and supporters in the Jersey Deanery, these blogs include Bob Hill’s Jersey Blog, Rico Sorda’s blog, Voiceforchildren’s blog, Tony’s musings, Stuart Syvret’s blog and more.

But there are snippets of this awful ‘independent safeguarding report‘ the Korris Report, the one that was done without my input and lets the whole world know how successfully the Dean and the Bishop and Jane Fisher punished me for speaking up and had me thrown in prison and ‘deported’ and left homeless in the UK with Jane Fisher still hanging onto my jugular until she pulled me down to the point of no hope, no healing, nothing left etc. Or does it omit that? I had a breakdown from trying to read the Korris Report, it is so awful and so inaccurate and cover’s Jane Fisher’s wrongdoing so well that it caused me to collapse. I have never finished reading it and it is so very damaging and wrong that I do not know why it was allowed to be published. I have expressed this opinion to Jan Korris but she is not bothered, as long as she gets her comission she isn’t too worried that she has had internationally published a gravely damaging report about an already suffering abuse survivor. Hopefully the collective complaints about it means she wont do it again, but I doubt that she cares.


Anyway, everyone has an opinion and in Jersey they fight about it like little boys, because Jersey is a small place and has that mentality, everyone knows someone and everyone has a bias, it makes it a bad place to live if you report someone for abuse and they have connections. The thing with the diocese is that they are not there and do not know who is who, who has what bias and why, but Jersey is another country and another country that used to be occupied by the Germans and has never lost that mentality. And at the moment they are not too pleased with England invading against one of their politicians, which is what the Dean is first and foremost, he certainly isn’t a Christian.

But anyway, I gather that Wolvsley tried to do a Jane Fisher and tell me that this isn’t affecting me! Are you crazy? You rake up the past and humiliate me publicly, even if only in Jersey and in your online report and you set the police after me and you think I am not affected?! I am not strong enough for much stress and believe me some of the opinions of people known and unknown in Jersey right now do affect me! They make me want to curl up and die.

This is my situation right now. The diocese refuse to confirm to me that as far as I am concerned the matter is closed. So I am in limbo, I am living in fear with my life paused, I am afraid of police attacks, I am distressed by what has happened and how I am publicly flogged, I am terrified that my quiet walks with my music and my sleeps in my cheerful blanket will be taken off me and I will be locked in for incomprehensible reasons and my freedom and life will be gone and ‘help’ will be forced on me.

Life is in limbo, there is a so-called investigation, but the Bishop reinstated the Dean and said he had acted in good faith, now the Bishop hides behind a PR company and refuses to communicate, while half the so-called investigation he has instigated is a conflict of interests, but he refuses to withdraw it or comment.

Published 02/07/2013 on the original blog about the Diocese - just transferring posts as I prepare to do the historic blog again

My first open blog on the subject of myself and the Diocese of Winchester.

I write this on pain of once again being arrested by the Diocese of Winchester for being an abuse victim who spoke up.

Hi, pleased to meet you, I am HG, I am named in a very skewed and inaccurate report called the 'Korris report' as someone who suffered abuse at the hands of a churchwarden in Jersey and bad handling of my complaint.
I was so badly punished by the church for speaking up, that I now live on the streets, destitute and with a police record that the church themselves gave me.

For publishing this blog and for protesting to the Bishop about this matter, I expect to possibly be brutalized and detained by the police on behalf of the Diocese of Winchester, as this has now happened to me a number of times. The Diocese do not like me speaking up. And though I am being no less honest than the Jersey bloggers, I am much more vulnerable, the Diocese would not dare to set the authorities on any of the Jersey bloggers. The Diocese thought that I, a lone, disabled poverty stricken woman, would be easy to brand as mad and silence. Which makes me wonder, how many silent sufferers are there? and how many others get branded as I did for speaking up, sadly I know of a few, I have been alongside fellow church abuse survivors in the last few years, and using mental illness against us is a common ploy.

 I am not going to be untruthful or slanderous or abusive in this blog, but I remember, and there is evidence in the Korris report, that a certain person in the Diocese wanted to keep me quiet for the sake of the church's reputation. That may well still be the case

For publishing this blog I also expect threats and abuse from Jersey, because other bloggers in Jersey are treated like that and I am certainly not very popular in Jersey! :) but believe me, I would rather be hated and rejected by the church and establishment there  than be one of them.

I have the greatest respect for the Jersey bloggers.  For me, discovering them and their blogs and the support they have shown, has been the best thing to come out of this matter

I was blissfully unaware of the whole Jersey vs. the Diocese when it broke earlier this year, at the beginning of March, and although, sadly, people around me recognized my description from the Korris report and rejected me, I remained unaware of the situation for some weeks. That is one of many many hurts in this seemingly pointless war between the Diocese and Jersey, which I have been dragged into.

I was getting emails from Jersey and people in my past but I ignored them. I had finally started to put the matter behind me, and, resigned to life on the streets, I had come to like my life as it was, and was at last getting a fews days a week free from flashbacks and terrors and was enjoying new friendships and writing about my life as a homeless person.

It was the police contact that alerted me to the fact that the Diocese were up to their old tricks.
Using the police to try and force me to do things their way, which has never worked because I am autistic and see no reason to bow to badly behaved people in offices.

The use of the police, after all their previous brutal and one-sided police actions against me was a horrendous shock.
I had a collapse.
The Diocese had my email addresses and it was only the unpleasant safeguarding director who I had blocked, so if the Diocese had been genuine or had wanted me to be interviewed by Jan Korris, they could have contacted me. But undoubtedly, to protect herself, the safeguarding director didn't want that, she wanted her bad behaviour exonorated, and it was.

Thankfully a friend at church was able to sit with me in the initial shock of the police coming after me, and then the priest also came to offer pastoral support, but I suffered badly in the following week, reliving what the Diocese had done to me previous to me going on the run from them in 2011.

I had no idea why the Diocese had launched on me again in March this year, I did not understand the police contact until a week later when the press articles came to my attention. I only read the first few lines of the email from the police, and was horrified that they had found me under my new identity. I remain horrified as I am left feeling vulnerable.

I had been on the run from the Diocese for two years since the Bishop and safeguarding official had had me brutally detained in 2011 because I went and begged the then retired Bishop to bring justice and to withdraw the safeguarding official's continued interference in my life and I continued to answer back to the safeguarding official for her continued violation of my privacy and interference in my life.

The Bishop and safeguarding did not give the full picture to the courts in the last police intervention in 2011, making out that they had only been helping me, and omitting that their 'help' had involved slandering me and making my life hell in every way possible driving me from my home city, they tried yet again, to use the standard excuse that I am insane, and they failed, because I am not. Being once again voiceless in a one sided trial against me traumatized me beyond repair and keeping myself alive after that was a grim battle indeed.

In my two years alone on the streets, I had been screaming silently day and night because I was so hurt and traumatized, and flashbacks and nightmares were as frequent as daily and nightly. Having no voice was intolerable, so I did a blog, all names and places changed to protect identity, and that helped me, I shared my blog with fellow church abuse survivors and survivors groups, friends I made along the way, and the general public via blogger. Although the sheer complexity of my story made it hard for some to understand.
My blog did well for statistics, and had regular readers and followers but I remained anonymous and still suffering.
In the end there were two blogs, one of my day to day life on the streets and one of my life and church story.

But, as I said, I was still suffering. And at the end of March this year, when I finally heard about the Dean being suspended and the supposed apologies by the Bishop and Archbishop, I was not joyful, because I am too badly damaged for what people though was 'good news' for me, to have made any difference to me.
Apologies in theory will not mean that I am heard, that I am redeemed or recompensed, it wont mean that the wrongdoers will learn lessons, what it meant to me, when it all came to light, was that 'too little too late' was disrupting my life in a horrifying way.
Because although I was still suffering, I had begun to heal and had started to bond with a church and community before the news of all this broke.
The articles in the press, upset that bonding and left me ashamed and broke some of the healing and bonding, especially as people connected to me read the rather inaccurate and damaging Korris report before I was even aware of the Korris report. I only became aware of the Korris report through Bob Hill's blog.

In the weeks and months after the news got through to me, I was distressed and read only the bites of information on the internet without accessing any blogs or sites as I was overwhelmed and aware that people and Clergy in Jersey were furious and slanderous towards me. as they have increasinlgy been, the Grouville meeting was a shocker! But the Diocese very obviously couldn't care less, and tried to tell me that I wasn't suffering. They haven't changed in the last few years!

I contacted Wolvlsey (The Bishop's Office) a number of times over the months and received no answer for a number of weeks, I then got a few vague replies from the Bishop's chaplain, and because I did not know him and was scarred by the safeguarding director's treatment of me, I didn't want to speak to Diocesan staff and repeat the suffering, I waited for the Bishop to reply to me.
He never did and never has. He has never spoken to me directly, only through his chaplain.
I only got vague responses from the chaplain, who disbelievingly asked me 'how was the backlash in Jersey affecting me?' and so on. Nothing helpful. It reminded me of of the safeguarding director trying to tell me I wasn't suffering in the Jersey community for reporting EY. Which is ludicrous.

I was becoming increasingly distressed, remembering the safeguarding official's intervention into my life in Jersey and then again on my return to Winchester, my home town, and because of the Diocese having had me traced by police and then not adequately responding to me.
So I begged the Diocese to confirm that they would leave me alone, they replied with vague threats, veiled as concern, making references to court orders, with no clarification of what they meant or why, after they had caused me such distress, they were not responding and were threatening me.
It remains unclear.
As does the origin of the claim that the Bishop has apologized to me personally. He has recently re-iterated that through his PR Company!

Finally, on the day that the Dean was re-instated on claims that he had 'acted in good faith', the Bishop's chaplain sent an email titled 'no unsolicited intervention - confirmed'.
A number of years too late.
What a shambles.

At some point in April, I plucked up the courage to open Bob Hill's blog and read it as it was coming up most frequently on the internet. I expected him to be an angry old Jerseyman protecting the Dean and the establishment! Sorry Bob!
I was surprised and overwhelmed by the support for me on his blog, although I was also shocked to learn of the Korris report and the damage that was doing by causing speculation and incorrect views based on the incorrect reporting in that report. The main body of incorrect information is to do with the safeguarding director and the way her harmful involvement which caused me to 'go mad' is omitted.

I replied to some of the comments on Bob's blog, and Bob put a message up saying that someone claiming to be HG had sent in comments and could that person contact him personally to confirm their identity. I contacted Bob, and ever since then he has been a tremendous support and an excellent mediator for me.
I also learned about the other blogs through Bob's blog, and have been comforted by the support and amazed at the courage and tenacity of the bloggers, who are like David against Goliath in going up against the corruption and dishonesty in Jersey.
And remember, David won against Goliath despite the odds, (because God was with him).

The bloggers and the many questions I have been asked through the comments sections on the blogs led me to launch this blog, to help people to hear my side.

I have no doubt that the launch of this blog could anger people both in Jersey and in Winchester, but I have lain on that cold ground alone with my silent distress for more than two and a half years now, isn't it time I spoke? They have put me through hell.
I also still have to put up with that unqualified and inaccurate Korris report being circulated, so what say I keep up this blog and the next and the next until the Bishop removes the Korris report and establishes an independent enquiry, as the current one is a conflict of interests for which he refuses to release the terms of reference and refuses to withdraw?
Don't kid yourselves that anything that the Diocese of Winchester says or does is about my welfare. if it was, I would have met with them, there would be open dialogue and there would be no inaccurate report published on the internet to glorify the diocese (only it hasn't).

HG.

I am so tired, I cannot focus to write.
I think the Colchester stat is getting impatient.
I will try to write during the weekend, I will have a quiet weekend here,
no church, no swim, and will try to delve into the trauma and suffer to write it.
Gotta hurry, a month to go until Easter, 33 years old and 3 years homeless, the Pharisees in the Cofe want to crucify me.

Autism, police

This story in the Mail (link below) made me feel very sad.
It reminded me so much of the needless and terrifying treatment I suffered at the hands of the police, especially on 14/02/2011 in Winchester, from which I don't think I will ever really recover.
Police Officers truly think they can do as they please, and they do treat the vulnerable and voiceless like dirt, that is my experience, and they also write what they like about incidents, because we have no voice.
I am so sorry for the young man who was treated like that, I know he must have been terrified and I share his terror of seeing police when I am out and about, because I still expect a repeat of what has happened to me, especially with the record the Diocese got me.
The police are not here to protect me or the community, they are very dangerous and damaging and for me now, there is no safety in this world.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2573941/Severely-autistic-man-33-hurled-bins-pinned-police-officers-helped-binmen-collect-rubbish-LOOKED-SUSPICIOUS.html

A tribute to St.Clements Church, Jersey, before I was driven out by interference from Jane Fisher et al.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kdmgpMfnjdU

Please don't tell anyone

'Please don't tell anyone' - the words remain with me, but I should think that as long as I don't name names, it isn't a problem, and it was quite some time ago now, an example of how even normal people can be hurt in the church by abuse of God's Name.

My friend was a wonderful person, I loved to see her and I loved to have a cup of tea with her or go dog walking with her, she was never emotionally harmful to me, she was never harmful to me, full stop, she was a friend in the Church of England who I was safe with, and no unhealthy relationship problems occurred, because she was safe, the Diocese would undoubtedly have divided me and her if they had been able to find her when I returned to Hampshire from Jersey.

My friend was a very healing and soothing person, her very presence could calm me, she most certainly had the gift of healing, and she often soothed me when the Lihous were hurting me.

She told me one day about something that had really upset her, and it upset me too, but she said 'Please don't tell anyone'.

She was from a Charismatic Church and had not always been a Christian, but her husband was, and she started going to Church for his sake, she became a Christian, in the Charismatic Church, and although she switched to the Church of England, she was always lively in worship, dancing, singing out, hands in the air, that Church of England Church was charismatic-ey, so that was all fine there.

But when my friend asked to join the healing team, she was not in favour, always lively and cheerful, they seemed to dislike this, and told her that 'They had prayed about it and she wasn't to join the healing team'.

I was outraged to hear this, because I also have experienced this horrible and blasphemous 'oh, I've prayed about it' rejection and cop-out, and although I dread to think what will happen to these God-abusers for what they do, it doesn't make it any less painful, and my friend was refused a place on the team, with prayer as a cop-out, because certain people were nervous of her enthusiasm, she did have a gift of healing and they should have utilized it.
I am thus privileged to have benefitted from her gift, but it is sad that because of rather bigoted men, others didn't.

This may well sound like a rant, well it is a rant, it remains with me, how wounded she was and how her gift was not utilized, because of bigots and excuses that abused God, and sadly this kind of abuse goes on in churches all the time.
I have seen tons of misuse of Church and God and prayer in the Church of England, and it has left me marked forever.

my maison-detre

I know Polo didn't seem too impressed with this blog but it still makes me howl with laughter, the recent post, with it's mention of 'the man with multiple personalities', I cracked up!

http://my-maison-detre.blogspot.co.uk/2014/03/deputies-opponents-celebrate-future.html

The neighbours wonder what is going on when I read this blog.

It's all Relatives

Sometimes I remember useless and annoying things.

I remember useless and annoying things about the Lihous and their religion and the things they used to say about their family.

I remember Jill Lihou during one of the daily boasts, telling me how her 'youngest grand daughter was starting boarding school', someone needs to tell her that Jersey College for Girls is not a boarding school, it is just one of the four places in Jersey that offers an adequate secondary education, at a cost. A private school but not a boarding school!

But funnily enough, even though both the Lihou's grand daughters, Phil and Heather Warren's daughters, went to Jersey College for Girls, the Lihous used to go on and on about how the Warrens complained about the cost of living in Jersey and how Chequers had a monopoly in Jersey so everything was expensive.
This was before I went to Jersey.
Chequers don't have a complete monopoly, and if the cost of living is too much and you have to grumble, you can either return to the UK or start shopping at Poundland and the CO-OP, reduced goods at the Channel Islands CO-OP in the evening are the same as reduced goods at UK CO-OP stores.
The other very funny thing about Jill and George Lihou's paradoxical boasting about the grandkids at JCG and the grumbles about cost of living in Jersey was that Heather Warren would come to stay with the Lihous in Hampshire (before they moved to Guernsey) and would go shopping at John Lewis, because apparently she liked John Lewis goods.
As far as I know, John Lewis is not in any way cheap.
So not sure why the grumbles about cost of living in Jersey used to be passed on to me, but the Lihous never had any tact, they used to share my personal life and their opinion with half the village and their families in Jersey and Woodley and take unhelpful advice from them and change the boundaries of the friendship without any discussion with me.

 (the Woodley family, the Honours, now hold positions in ministry in Guernsey and the whole family have been used against me in Philip Bailhache's hate campaign for what should have been forgiven differences, hence me feeling free to write this, the Church of England simply doesn't set an example of Christianity at all).

So, send your children to private school and shop at John Lewis and choose to live in Jersey and grumble about the cost of living. Example set.

Jill used to say that Heather Warren, her daughter, would complain about being isolated living on Jersey, er, isolated on a crowded 45 mile island that you choose to live on and are securely leading a large worship community? I think that is feeling isolated for the sake of it.
I didn't feel isolated in Jersey, I felt secure in a small place where I knew all the corners. Problem is, as a Jersey clergyman stated, you have to keep your enemies close, and making enemies in an insular community like Jersey leaves you trapped and disadvantaged, the horror of that will always be with me.

Oh the boasts! But the boasts didn't make these people better people, they just left me shamed and lost for words.
Jill Lihou was boasting about how her son in Guernsey had a moped because 'In Guernsey you are allowed a moped when you are 14, or was it 15?
Problem is, all the material things in the world don't make you a better person or without problems, and Jill would go on about her family problems, how Phil and Heather had marriage problems and how the granddaughters were being spoilt and badly behaved - 'but we love them anyway because they are family'. And how the grandsons were being badly influenced when they were in Woodley and how Jon Honour had a glass of drink thrown in his face by the female priest who was his boss during an argument at a party because they did not get on.

These are the people who have judged and condemned me, how come they do not get their faults published and damned for all to see as they have done to me? I suppose it is because they are well-to-do, didn't have autism or a horrific upbringing and most of all, they work for, and are protected by, the Diocese of Winchester.
Christianity in the Mirror, one rule for workers of the supposedly Christian organization, the Diocese of Winchester, and another for us plebs :)

copied off the day-to-day blog for those who do not read it - behavioural therapy

This evening, thinking about the lack of progress in therapy and and how upset I have been recently, I downloaded some behavioural therapy manuals onto Kindle, I have always battled with, and been baffled with Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, maybe because of my cognitive problems, but I now have a book on Dialectal behaviour therapy, which I heard about at my psychology clinic, and I already understand that better than any CBT books.

My behaviour is wired wrongly from early on in my life, I did not have any example but my parents and siblings, no solid outside influence due to no school or nursery or any other organization, not even social services managed to intervene.
So, I learned anger, out of control anger, and fear, out of control fear, and the very real dangers in life magnified those emotions, I also didn't learn to relate to people properly and simply experienced a lot of aggressive and disruptive behaviours around me, in the family and the people they fought with, and then the autism element is also a factor.

I have never been proud of my problems, in fact I carry a burden of shame, but it has been a long slow progress for me to recognise what problem is what and seek treatment, it is hard work changing problems that stem from so early on, especially as the NHS have been worse than useless in any form of diagnosis or help, and I have to fight every inch and pay for my own treatment, diagnosis and books to help me, I have had to learn how to keep my environment stable and avoid triggers, and yet, I remain with unresolved problems.
Recent stresses have sent things out of control, and all I can ever do is look at what has happened and pick myself up and start anew and look for new solutions, so hopefully the behavioural therapy manuals will help.

The impact of the Diocese's cruelty

There are many and varied impacts of the Diocese's cruelty in Jersey and Winchester, which will last me the remainder of my life.

One significant one is that I severely mistrust offers of help. especially in relation to church.

I cannot trust myself with church people because of the way the diocese went behind my back and maligned me to every church in Winchester so that I was walking around maligned, branded and shamed.
Now if a church person tries to help me, I look round for the diocese and their condemnation, and I try to escape, I can't believe in myself and I can't believe that a church person who tries to help me will not be taken off me, so usually I do not allow people to stay with me, either I leave or I ask them not to help me.
With a few exceptions.

I feel that I am branded by the diocese for the rest of my days and I associate any church and any church people with branding and unforgiveness and unworthiness and the danger of Jane Fisher intervening as soon as she finds me.

And judging by what has happened, my fears are justified.

I will never really feel safe in a church or with church people, however much love and acceptance there is, and that is funny because what are churches supposedly for? And what did the Diocese make church into by going behind my back and maligning me? They left me eternally separated from what should be safety, fellowship and a place where I would not be judged, until even with the lovely churches who have been alongside me, I cannot really feel safe and included, the brand of the Diocese of Winchester is very deep, and it may never be a thing I recover from.

Credit to the Churches who have nurtured and included me and tried to help.

Polo needs to do some new toons, but while I try to get into blogging mode, I will post the link to his toons http://photopol.com/jersey/jersey_toons.html

Good morning. I am not really up to blogging yet, but Polo has done a good blog.

http://photopol.blogspot.co.uk/2014/03/carry-on-jersey.html