Good Cop Down/Patheos

A new and interesting blog is 'Good Cop Down' https://goodcopdown.wordpress.com/

And a Great Support to Religious abuse survivors is Patheos SASBN:

 http://www.patheos.com/blogs/nolongerquivering/spiritual-abuse-survivor-blogs-network/spiritual-abuse-survivor-blogs-network-articles-sasbn/

link to an excellent article by Samantha Field about Christians and sexual abuse

http://www.relevantmagazine.com/current/what-christians-get-wrong-about-sexual-abuse

re-post of Jersey safeguarding concerns

Monday, 21 October 2013

Jersey Safeguarding concerns

bullet point safeguarding concerns in Jersey 1.

This is a brief description of some of my concerns of safeguarding in Jersey:

I do not know the full picture with regards to safeguarding in Jersey but I can share some of my experiences, I can do some church by church and general stuff.
This is stuff that no-one is going to see in the safeguarding report comissioned by Bishop Dakin, because my side of things has been omitted, the Bishop has cleared the Dean and the Deanery has hijacked the report to clear themselves at my expense, and the damage is now bringing me close to breaking, either my heart or mind will fail soon, so I will write while I can, having had to give up any normal activities such as college.

St. Matthews, Millbrook:

• The books and their use. Previously described to John and Christine. St. Matthews promotes Books that contain stories and references to abuse as if it is something to be forgiven and then everything will be alright. A story is given of a church man raping a church woman and how every time she saw him at a gathering she had to remember to forgive him and when she saw him laughing with other people she was to remember forgiveness and she started feeling better, no police or reporting of the rape was involved, the focus was forgiveness and I do not think that is a good example of anything, especially not to a vulnerable or abused person. Forgiveness takes time, and in the case of an abuser or rapist, they are a danger to others. No church should teach that forgiveness is everything in such cases and lead anyone to the impression that a church man who goes to a lone churchwoman's house and rapes her should not be reported but should be forgiven and left in church positions.
• A book containing a paragraph about how 'Satanists are praying for the breakup of clergy marriages in the USA', this paragraph has been redone and shared in Jersey and Overton as 'Satanists praying for the breakup of clergy marriages in Jersey'. There are a variety of Americanist evangelical extreme books and the services run along the same lines. Scaremongering and playing with people's minds is dangerous and many people who go to church, especially healing services, have vulnerability or are in need. Easily bought, as I have been with some things said and done in the Overton church and St. Matthews in Jersey, both churches had a close link due to George and Jill Lihou being Phil and Heather Warren's parents-in-law. The kind of things like 'there are satanists here praying for the breakup of clergy marriages, is manipulative, uncharacteristic of true Satanists and the aim is to send a shiver up people's spines, just as a lot of extreme evangelical manipulations are.
• Going too far with signs and wonders and games. I described the game where the people in the prayer room at St. Matthews made me step forward to 'prophetically step forward' in life. Well some of St. Matthews games were thrilling and sometimes I got caught up in them but some were pushing boundaries. The Charismatic tricks that are easy for vulnerable and needy people to get caught up in.
• the Vicar's wife, Heather (George and Jill Lihou's daughter), would go round telling certain longstanding members of the congregation some 'visions' to shout out during the service, this was usual. The usual charismatic 'coming up with health problems that someone in the congregation is likely to have', the light pushing on people's shoulders when laying hands on them, either to make it feel like something was happening or to make them 'fall over for Jesus, etc. Sometimes it was all fun, sometimes it was spooky. I remember how Heather Warren used to throw herself on the floor, and she was a big woman, and she and the others would be going 'Daddy God, Daddy God, Daddy, Daddy', I didn't like that because it reminded me of Robb, who called himself my 'daddy' and I also knew that such things could not be to do with real God or Jesus, because they would not condone that, Jesus would have looked tand asked what she was doing, . I am not sure what God thinks of people throwing themselves about, but it is show rather than worship. 
•  Anyway, it was all extreme and they used to play a tape I called 'the sobbing tape' which made strange moaning sobbing noises, and it could sound a bit dodgy, it did one time when the girl at the microphone kept going on about us being God's bride all prepared and fresh and things, it did sound wierd, it was very much about raising emotions, almost sexual, close to the boundaries sometimes, a bit dodgy for some vulnerable people. and easy to buy into, I did.
• crossing professional boundaries. Dr Balmer, as far as I know he held some position in church, possibly a church officer, but he was also my Doctor, I remember being horrified when he actually out loud and in front of people spoke to me about things I had spoken to him about at the surgery, including looking for work. I know Jersey is behind the times but that was just wrong.I changed my surgery soon after that. You can't go to a doctor who is part of a church that has rumours about you and who can breach confidences that way, who knows what he could have told the Warrens from my records! And sadly, in such a small island similar problems occured repeatedly.
• Phil Warren's attack on me where he trapped me, said he had 'heard about me' and threatened to ban me and accused me of threatening him. This is described elsewhere, so i will not repeat it in detail. Horrendous.And the apology did not explain why he had done it so Jane Fisher claimed it had not happened as it did. What kind of safeguarder is Jane Fisher if she excused this behaviour?!
• Basically despite these points, I liked this church as part of my routine, for a cuppa at the cafe and the monthly evening service that people from all over the island attended. It is overpowering and they do go over the top with their influences sometimes but nothing apart from that. St. Matthews is trying to be an American evangelical/cult church. Which is not necessarily healthy.

I have no safeguarding concerns about St. Lawrence's church. I only went there for occasional early morning communion. 

St Andrews, First Tower:

Where do I start? This was one of the worst churches I have ever been to, Jane Fisher claims they improved it, but I don't know. 'Improved' by Jane Fisher's standards does not necessarily mean a thing.

• My first experience of St. Andrews was the churchwarden coming to sit next to me, then Lindy Taylor (the Vicar's wife)coming over and the churchwarden saying that Lindy had come to 'keep an eye on him', that should have set alarm bells ringing but I was naive. - I guess this was the chaperoning policy that failed the rest of the time.
• My second experience was right after that, Lindy talking about a vision she had of someone 'new to the church' coming in to that evening service. Oh yes, I bet she had a vision of putting the kettle on when she got home as well. Immediately the attempts to manipulate had started, as well as the fact I had immediately attracted the abusive churchwarden.
• So that was, and maybe still is, St. Andrews. I doubt that they turned into a good church under Mike Taylor.
• They used prayers and visions and even sermons, to try and control, shame and single out people in the congregation, or congregation as a whole, Neville's prayers that 'people would accept the new service patters' and the way I was slated for even asking about the new service pattern, still stands out. control through prayers is never appropriate.
• They messed with my head, discriminated against me and excluded me, they treated me as if I was a cripple and it was from them that I learned that I was disabled, 'a disabled' to be more precise, I was treated as if I couldn't do anything and I was marginalized, and the churchwarden encouraged that because he wanted to be 'the man' between me and the congregation, so that everyone went through him to speak to me, and about me, and he made me feel so small when he described back to me what people, even Janet, were saying, he seemed to enjoy that. He was not chaperoned with me as claimed, nor was he chaperoned with anyone, he was allowed to hug and touch the women in the congregation and he routinely hugged and touched a group of old women, they would pretty much be waiting for him to do it every sunday.
• Mike (Vicar) and Lindy were proven to have lied to me when they said about there being no spaces for me to steward at new wine, while I contacted new wine in the meantime and was told that there were plenty of spaces. I confronted Lindy and she brushed it off, but a small lie that hurts someone is as bad as a big lie. Basically Mike and Lindy said they would ask New Wine if I could steward, when I told them I was keen to, then they said they had asked and no stewards were wanted, then I asked New Wine and they said they were short of stewards, Mike and Lindy had no adequate answer for lying to me, but that caused me loss of confidence in myself and them and their church.
• This dishonesty continued with the churchwarden telling me that people were talking about me and him and then when I told the Taylors that, he told them it was nothing, and rather than look into it, the Taylors dismissed it and took to avoiding me.
• This continued in many ways with hurtful conversations between the Taylors and churchwarden family  about me, which broke my heart but confronting them made it worse and they blamed me.
• I was made to feel small, I was made to realise that i was less than other people. And added to the disability discrimination, the church was very very sexist, the churchwarden was part of this sexism. It was like being in the dark ages going there, I thought I should wear a long frock with skirts and a bonnet.(sarcasm).
• I was never made aware that the churchwarden had a history, the closest anyone got to making me aware was that the churchwarden himself talked of his misbehaviours and he said he had been told off at work and sacked from St. Pauls, while his wife said she was worried about his CRB check because he was hugging me! which seemed very odd and worrying. The taylors took to avoiding me and discussing me behind my back with the churchwarden and his wife, basically that, considering that they knew his history, was plain wrong.
• No-one prevented the churchwarden from taking me home, taking me out sailing or to the warehouse or being alone with me, and even when he was caught hugging me alone in the basement, the person who walked in said nothing. And at work, he stroked me inappropriately and held my hand, no-one took any notice or did anything.
• If the signs and wonders games were a bit spooky at St. Matthews, they were better set there, but at St. Andrews they were very much using signs, wonders, prayers and sermons to manipulate people, it was a grim and scary atmosphere and it still chills me to remember. If St. Matthews was borderline harmful, St. Andrews was dangerous, and caused me a lot of depression and sadness, very deep, I was looking for another church after less than six months and had profoundly lost faith in God during that time.
• Basically, that is it, it was not well run, led or integrated, the vicar was not there unless he had to be, despite only having one church, the church wardens ran the place, the singing group were so appaling that even the churchwarden used to turn the sound on the sound desk down to drown them out, but no-one ever told them. It was not a place for the isolated, vulnerable or marginalized, it was a bit like a masonic lodge, all the men in black suits were in charge. I can't think of any more to say, but Jersey is behind the times and St. Andrews had kind of got left behind. St. Andrews was trying to do a poor copy of St. Matthews and St. Pauls, the other two 'cult' churches.
• Trying to do a bullet point of what the churchwarden and his wife, (and Mike and Lindy) did in full would not work and the documents are available elsewhere so I wont.
• The New Wine Channel Islands scenario is also too long to add here and will be done separately.

St Pauls, St. Helier:

• I suppose the most memorable thing is the horrible notice on the kitchen door that was about 'what to do if a mentally ill person came in' which did not differentiate between mental illnesses and made it look like all mentally ill people were mad and needed to be captured by the authorities and locked up. Horrifying and deeply discriminatory, I do hope that it was taken down when I complained to jane Fisher.
• That, coupled with Reverend Paul Brooks being famous for 'having problems with mentally ill people', the legend that had all details omitted, went that he had 'had problems with mentally ill people coming into church. Was worrying. Why did he have problems and why did he not have training to deal with disabilities rather than treating people with mental health problems as if they were something bad?
• I was offered and then refused pastoral support at St. pauls. The offer came from someone who did not know I was shunned and condemned and when she went to ask the team to provide support, I was then shunned, by email and no proper explanation given, the real reason being that I was condemned for St. Andrews and the churchwarden (who had previously been sacked from St. Pauls), just the same thing as Phil Warren attacking me for 'what he had heard' and threatening to ban me. While Jane Fisher personally attacked me and tried to deny that there was anything wrong with this.
• I was made unwelcome when i went up for prayer, it was Ian LeMarquand who did that, made excuses when I emailed him about it, he also claimed not to know I had been abused, despite the fact that he had previously told prayer people not to touch me because I had been abused. He is well known for backing himself into corners and contradicting himself now as home affairs minister in charge of a very very messed up and badly run police force (incidentally he is one of the people who can access my police records in order to bail his Dean out as he is a church reader and one of the 'laity, who have run the hate campaign),. He is also the abusive churchwarden's friend, according to the same and he is also the former magistrate, I do wonder how he is getting on with Dame Steele and the police in the investigations! There is no doubt he will be involved in this matter, probably in a less than honest way.
• St. Pauls, as well as St. Andrews is one of the reasons I hate church and can't bear to be in a church, but I have learned to live without church. I feel small, ashamed and angry about church. 
• The woman who innocently asked for pastoral care for me and had to reject me when she was 'told about me' was a doctor, and my worst nightmare came true when I went to my surgery struggling with depression and distress and she was the Doctor, I had a meltdown, again the same as doctor Balmer, this woman from church could view my records and cause me problems, I screamed at the receptionists to close my records so that that woman could not see them. I was living a nightmare and Jane Fisher tried to tell me none of it was happening.
• The previous Bishop excused the behaviour of St. pauls and said they 'did not have the ability' or something, to offer pastoral care. what are they there for then? they aren't christians then? why, if they do not have the ability are they a) there at all, and b) not provided with training, the Bishop's excuse was appalling.
• the churchwarden was on the panel that chose Paul brooks as Vicar of St.Pauls and was close to him and the others on the evangelical alliance in Jersey and these people were supportive of the churchwarden against me, and yet the Jane Fisher denied that and the Bishop said that Paul Brooks and Mike Taylor were 'supervising' the churchwarden, yes, use his friends who have treated me badly to supervise him and ensure he feels he did nothing wrong! No wonder the Bishop added that the churchwarden was not doing as asked and refused to obey or accept responsibility, the Bishop said he would probably have to speak to the churchwarden himself! I doubt he bothered. He was coldly disinterested in the whole matter.
• St. Pauls also did something that St. Andrews and even St.Matthews sometimes did. They used sermons and prayers and parts of the service to get a non-Godly, non-Christian and very person-directed message across. I remember some weedy youth who was supposed to be 'training' doing a talk that was about 'weeding out the troublemakers' and he either said or implied that this was about the St. Paul's congregation. He said that some people caused trouble and dissent and so they had to be persuaded in a 'christian way' to leave. Oh yes? This was not aimed at me as far as I know, but it is no way  to deal with disputes in a church. Kick people out when they don't do it your way? I have never before or since heard a sermon time abused in order to tell people they are not welcome in a church!
• The signs and wonders, they did pretty much the same as St. matthews, with a slight St. Andrews lean, they appeared to use actual church notes, prayer requests and discussions to come up with their signs and wonders to manipulate emotions, very clever.
• But individuals there had their own 'visions and games' and I remember Trevor LeMaistre, just before he died, saying that someone had seen an Eagle above Jersey and that meant there was an open heaven. Oh yes? what is there an open heaven for? just to get the tingle down your spine? because the signs and wonders and games are all very well if people are behaving in a Christian way, and if they aren't then they need to put the signs and wonders aside and concentrate on that. Signs and wonders without basic Christianity shows that something is wrong.
• I was fine at St. Pauls until they 'heard about me, reacted accordingly and I reacted to them.

St Ouens:

• The way they dropped the pastoral care and the way John Harkin pointedly made sure I knew I was not welcome, still hurts, Jane Fisher's denials hurt even more, and my reaction to the least offensive of all the shunnings and wounds, the Harkins rejecting me, hurts the most.
• The way John Harkin spoke about me to the baptist lady when I was on duty at Jersey Keswick was hurtful and wrong.
• They were only minorly involved in the signs and wonders and other games but once rejected by the Harkins with no explanation, I felt rejected as a whole and by the whole church. This rejection may have been because the Harkins were close to the Dean or because Jane Fisher intervened, I will never know, I only know I was thrown away, and in everything that happened, each wound like this contributed to me falling further and further apart, I needed solid, trustworthy and open pastoral help during the time after I had reported Robb, but I never received any. And since the Dean and his wife made it very clear that they believed the Avertys over me, that would be enough reason for their friends, the Harkins, to reject me. though I have no doubt that if there was input from Jane Fisher, that would have had the same effect.
• Especially as Gerard LeFeuvre, Robb' nephew and grand master freemason and his family belonged to that church, as did Gerry Padden who had been involved through the Grace Trust, of which I was a client but the chruchearden and his wife were patrons, leaders, and probably still are, that church was no place for me.

There is no need to re-explain the Dean matter to anyone,  the notes which will be published and even the Korris report has explained it reasonably well, and Bishop Dakin has cleared the Dean and let Dame Steel proceed to clear him again. seems pointless and I am glad that everyone hates Tim Dakin.

I thought I would say something interesting here. 

The leaders of the opposition to me and the hate campaign are from Reverend Mike Lange-Smith's church at Grouville, the opposition are Philip Bailhache and Bruce Willing.

I went to french classes with Mike Lange-Smith's wife, and because of my communication problems, she often worked with me, one-to-one on French conversation while we were at college, as the tutor was very kind and understanding to me. I never had any problems with Mrs Lange-Smith, nor did she have problems with me as far as I know, she was very patient with me because of my difficulties. I knew she was a rector's wife and was worried about it but there were no problems, I wonder if the Lange-Smiths realise that I am the same person, that went to college with Mrs Lange-Smith, and they are playing a part in supporting villifying me. I was always afraid that Mrs Lange-Smith would work out that I was the one who was condemned on the grapevine in island churches -which the Korris report claims is not the case but which is the case.

• Churches I do not know well and no nothing of the safeguarding - St. Johns, St. Marys, St. Simons, St. Martins (reputed to have housed a rapist), Grouville, Gouray, Trinity. 
• Well I have heard recently that the Vicar of St. Johns is an alcoholic and did a character reference for a child abuser for court, but that is, despite being backed up by newspaper reports and a number of witnesses, not part of my experience. I have a feeling that it will be another thing that the Diocese of Winchester will overlook, because Jane Fisher appears to be a 'close the door after the horse has bolted' type safeguarding measure, with little interest in real safeguarding.
• I didn't see any problems with St. Clements or St Brelades really, apart from Jane Fisher barging in and me having been slandered to St. Brelades. 
• I have heard that there has been a safeguarding concern about St. brelades recently, but I am not aware of the details and all I can say is it sounds out of character for Mark Bond, no matter what he and his wife have done against me in response to this absolutely unfair investigation which lumps all the clergy in Jersey together as if they are all potential wrongdoers and yet omits my side of things. Last I heard was that Jane Fisher was handling this complaint the same way that she handled mine, doing nothing and hoping it went away, and I have no doubt that if the complainant complained about her, it would be treated just as my complaint against her has been.

New Wine Channel Island, another wound that affects my worship to this day, it is a mental scar:

I don't even want to write about it.

When you are branded mad and disbelieved, it can be hard to express what you see going on because you don't expect to be believed and people don't always want you to be believed. I was treated as if I had no credibility throughout the situation in Jersey.

And, that is how many abuse victims used to end up as psychiatric patients and in detention places like the industrial schools and magdalen laundries in Ireland. 

We are bad for trying to speak about incomprehensible, mad things.

New Wine Channel Islands 2008:

It was a big evangelical cult thing, run by the three/four main 'evangelical' churches, those mentioned above, St Matthews, St.Pauls, St. Ouens and St. Andrews, with input from other independent free churches in the island/s

For those running it on stage it was like a big show and they were performing. It was mainly Phil Warren and his family from Jersey and Guernsey.

I was there, and separate from the churchwarden and his wife who were also there, because I had spoken up about the churchwarden for the first time and I did not want to be near them and they did not approach me.

The Keys arrived and Bob key was kind of waffling on stage, about himself, and Daphne Key went and sat with the churchwarden and his wife, as she usually did in the town church, and apparently she asked them if I would not sit with them because she was there and they told her that was not the reason - but interestingly did not tell her the reason, so whoever they 'took advice from' (as they told me) when I said the churchwarden had abused me, it may not have been the Keys.
I wouldn't be surprised if it was fellow churchman and legal expert Philip Bailhache or Ian LeMarquand, but there is no proof.

Anyway, the church leaders and band were whipping everyone up into a frenzy, as they do and as they did. everyone including me was getting crazy and they were throwing signs and wonders and there was this and that person in the crowd who they said had this or that pain and they needed to stand up and be prayed for.

I got caught up in it and then they were going on about someone who gets angry and verbally vomits on people and that person needed healing  and if that person verbally vomited on you then you needed to hug them and that was the solution and then they said how 'poor Mike Taylor needed healing' and they all gathered round and prayed for him.

Then they got the children to lay hands on people, now this is somthing that St. matthews did as well in their church and I have omitted it and it is a safeguarding complaint!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Getting children to lay hands on adults is in no way acceptable.

They then got the children to lift their arms up and form a 'prayer archway' and got the adults to walk through, this is borderline but I do not like it, but I am more concerned with them getting the children to lay hands on people which is a St. Matthews thing and I forgot it earlier.

Anyway, Mike Taylor hugged me and I was surprised and all caught up in the frenzy, so I hugged him in return, but he should have asked, shouldn't he? and it was all part of the game, about what they had said earlier about hugging someone who verbally vomits on you. I had been furious the way the Taylors and the churchwarden couple had discussed me behind my back and I had been angry with Mike and Lindy and their lies about New Wine and the way they had let the churchwarden say nothing was wrong when I went to them about what he had said and how they had treated me about my queries over the new services.

So at the time, caught up in the frenzy, I thought that I was being directed by God, that I was being admonished by God, that God had put everything right and that I was all cleansed of my bad sins against the Taylors and churchwarden couple and had to be 'good now', but inside of me I knew it was all wrong, they weren't sorry, they had done wrong and I was tired and shamed and empty, in a way that I cannot describe or explain, it did something horrible to my soul, because I had accepted it, accepted Taylor hugging me and all the things that were said. What they were doing there was incredibly manipulative and damaging.

If anyone has been in an evangelical cult, and escaped, they will know what I am saying about damage to the soul, and at the time and right up to now, it has been a wound, and so were the following events. 

After New Wine Channel Islands was over, I thought I had to change my life, I went to the Christian bookshop, such as it was, run by the churchwarden's friends who kept refusing my volunteer application because the churchwarden made me out to be his special needs charge who caused him so much stress, and I got the 'sorry prayer and bracelet'. 

I sent Lindy Taylor some flowers and an apology for being angry at the damaging way she was talking to the churchwarden about me about me.

Though I did also send some flowers to Juliet and Anne, just because they were my friends and I told all my friends I loved them. I tried to be a new person but I was exhausted inside and buzzing from this New Wine Stuff that had messed up my head, I cannot remember what else was fed into us at New Wine but I think there was a lot more than I have written and it affected me badly and I am pleased to write it down at last, share it, get it out of my soul where it has wounded me for years.

I couldn't be this 'new person' who was 'healed' by words and laying on of hands and all the stimulation at New Wine and it was not good for me.

The interesting thing was, the Taylors didn't apologize or do anything for their part when I apologized to them, but as years have passed I understand that anyone in an established position in the church of england never believe themselves to be wrong and never takes responsibility.

Anyway, it got worse, because the churchwarden didn't believe they had done any wrong or needed to take responsibility either, the churchwarden didn't admit to his wrongdoing when I went to see them and apologized for my side of things.

I had been unhappy and unwell with depression in my last months with them and also, I felt bad about speaking up about the churchwarden abusing me, I felt ashamed even though I knew he had done wrong.

I went to their house and his wife didn't want me there but the churchwarden started hugging me and said he would 'sort his wife out'.

I got down on my knees and said I was sorry about saying it was abuse, because at the time I still loved them and was very sad about it all, I knew the churchwarden had done things he shouldn't, but I was trying to excuse him, I got down on my knees and said sorry and his wife asked why I had said it and why I had implied he had raped me, but I had said he had pinned me down, which he had, a number of times, and I didn't say rape because he hadn't.

I told her it was true had said things he shouldn't but she was very upset and I didn't tell her any details.

But it was only me apologizing, not them, not the Taylors, I was emotionally messed up by New Wine Channel Islands and things never got better, not between me and the churchwarden couple and Taylors and not for me emotionally, the whole thing was very damaging to me emotionally and mentally, it is a psychological wound and I feel better for sharing it at last. 

The thing is, the whole mind games new wine thing did not ring true, and my going belly-up to it and apologizing and 'forgiving' the churchwarden couple and Taylors was not reciprocated and nor did the churchwarden take responsibility for what he had done or his wife forgive me.

Life was miserable after that, Lindy was saying how they were 'praying for me' oh yes, pray me to be who you want me to be and pray me to be 'normal' or like the  churchwarden, say my autism is an illness and pray it is healed.

Their prayers didn't work because the churchwarden continued to touch me when he saw me and continued to hurt me emotionally over 'what his wife thought of me' and how he was 'meeting with Mike Taylor to discuss whether he could 'still work with me'. etc

And I reported him after he touched me when I went bewildered to try and resolve things.

I was by then on anti-depressant sedative mix and life was hell.

It astonishes me that Bruce Willing arrogantly talks about how it is 'not in the church's gift to help me', firstly I would never want help from an Anglican church again, they have never helped me without extracting a large chunk of flesh (metaphorically) and not one helper has not invalidated what they did to help by making me responsible for any wrongdoing on their part. I suffered 13 years of damage in the Diocese of Winchester, and they are profoundly lacking in accountability and not geared up to disabled, disadvantaged and isolated people because they are more a club for the well-to-do and people secure in families than the disabled, isolated or vulnerable.
And in Jersey, the church with all the problems I have described above, need to resolve their attitude to disabled and disadvantaged people before they make judgments and they need to stop using the church as a stage to meet their own needs and return to the basics of Christianity, which are forgotten in all their games.

I do not believe that signs and wonders with the absence of basic Christianity is the right balance in a church or what God wants.

this is the initial brief account of safeguarding concerns in the Jersey Deanery.

The Safeguarding that the Church of England have promoted

I had a thought as I walked home from prayer meeting this evening.

The church of England launched a leaderless directionless series of cover-ups that they claimed were related to my case, and yet obviously were not as they omitted my side of things.
They told the world 'Thus shall be done to someone who reports abuse in the church' as they continued six years of destroyal.

But guess what? This blog and Bob's blogs about the matter, have ensured that thousands of people know the church of England is unsafe and unstable for vulnerable people!

So, I am safeguarding unwitting people against a dangerous and deceitful church, and my blog is running at over 36.000 views and is increasing.
Although the blog and the diocese are taking up all day every day without a break and I am hardly able to do anything else, even unable to enjoy the beach and the summer.

I would like to do a quick article regarding what to do if you are abused or have been abused in a Church:

• Do Not go to the Church authorities first, you are likely to be treated with contempt and disbelief, and even if they claim to investigate, you may well find, as I did, that years later, nothing is done.
• Go to the police, and at least get the case on record. Before you go to the church, this will force the church to act, because they do not want to.
• Leave the church where you were abused if you are still there, it sounds cold but it is for your own safety and welfare, I left the dreadful church where I was sexually abused long before I reported it.
• If you need survivor support, do not go to the UK's MACSAS charity, they are not geared to survivors and are more of a political movement, SNAP in the USA are caring but incompetent with communication, the best specific support is The Hope Of Survivors, which is an international charity. If you were abused as a child, NAPAC are an excellent source of support, all these charities are in my survivors links, apart from MACSAS.
• Do not let the church fob you off if and when you go to them with your complaint, fight them and go up the food chain, one and all couldn't care less about survivors and have no understanding of abuse and vulnerablility, but they still have a duty of care to you.
• Don't give up, if you have been sexually or physically abused, this is a crime, it is hard to fight a cold corporation like the church, but they are liable if you have suffered a crime at their hands.
• If you have been spiritually abused, this is still a case you can take to the church. And they are obliged to keep a record, this may help in the future if anyone else makes a complaint. Survivors of Spiritual abuse http://www.patheos.com/blogs/nolongerquivering/spiritual-abuse-survivor-blogs-network/

comments, corrections and additional thoughts are welcome.

Spiritual Abuse Survivors Network

As regular readers may be aware, I have been seeking help and support for recovery from spiritual abuse in the Church and in my upbringing.

There is very little practical or therapeutic help available in the UK that focuses on Spiritual abuse, but in my internet search, I came across The Spiritual Abuse Survivors Network, which is pretty awesome, so I have put a link in my 'survivors links' in the blog sidebar.

The Network supports and encourages bloggers who write about their experience of spiritual abuse, and to me, this is amazing! Other people blogging about the same things as me! :)

Here is a blog list: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/nolongerquivering/spiritual-abuse-survivor-blogs-network/

The Network is another example of giving a voice to the voiceless and thus helping people to heal by being able to speak out and share their experience, their trauma, to enable them to start healing and sharing the load.

This is an introduction to the Spiritual Abuse Survivors Network http://www.patheos.com/blogs/nolongerquivering/2012/06/introducing-the-spiritual-abuse-survivor-blogs-network/

Spiritual abuse goes deep, if you grow up with it as I have, it affect how you relate to the world in adulthood, and as an adult, it can break you, as the Church of England's abuse of me has.

I found this post interesting because of the link between my parents' strict religion and their teaching us at home and being set against schools and other 'authorities' http://www.patheos.com/blogs/nolongerquivering/2013/03/homeschoolers-anonymous/

And this blog is pretty famous http://defeatingthedragons.wordpress.com/

Found this in a separate search
http://leavingfundamentalism.wordpress.com/spiritual-abuse-survivors/

Jersey

• I went to Jersey to live, with great anxiety as it was a completely new start and I had no money to start with, no money to even return to the UK if it went wrong early on, which could happen to anyone.
• One of the reasons I went, interestingly enough, was to get some space from the Lihous, and people in their church who wanted to send me to a community and things because of my 'disability', now, having already been sent to a community aged 20, by JM and having benefitted nothing from it and seen it could not help me because I was autistic, I did not want to be sent to a community or to continue to have the Lihous closely involved.
• However, Jill Lihou wanted to still be involved and tried, without my permission to get me to have my post forwarded to her daughter and son in law's church, she said her daughter had agreed, but she failed to note that I hadn't and that I actually had a home to have post sent to. She also for some reason, wanted me to 'go and see her family' at their church, as she said that both the Warrens, her daughter and son in law who run St. Matthews and St. Lawrence, and the Honours, her daughter and son in law who run a church in Guernsey, would be at St. Matthews. Jill failed to understand when I said her family didn't want to know me, and continued to tell me I could see them. Jill and George's family had not wanted Jill to claim I was 'part of the family' and had never agreed with it, and I had responded to that and their advice about me to the Lihous behind my back by agreeing that I was not family and wanted space from the Lihous and their family, which Jill never accepted.

• So, I arrived in Jersey wounded, needing space. And at first there was space, glorious space, space to go down to the beaches, to explore, to look at the views, to dance to music alone in the house, to stand outside in the dark lane and marvel at the dark.
• But many many times, just as I had had premonition before moving to Jersey, I had premonition that things were going to be serious, and because I am autistic and a bit wierd, I did wonder if it was to do with the scaremongering that Jill and George Lihou had brought from Jersey to our church in Hampshire. 
• Jill and George used to come back from Jersey telling the church meetings that 'There were Satanists in Jersey, praying for the breakup of clergy marriages'. 
• Now this, at the time when I was still indoctrinated and a sheeple, to a certain extent, seemed really serious, really horrifying and dramatic. And other people in the prayer meetings used to pray and pray and do all sorts of commanding and speaking in tongues.
• But, because I was never a complete sheeple, I spoke to my dad about it, and he explained to me that real Satanists would not be praying for the breakup of clergy marriages.
• While in Jersey and at St. Matthews church, I found a book, these words were in the book 'There are Satanists in the USA, praying for the breakup of clergy marriages'. So at last I knew where the propaganda came from, but horrifyingly, this was a 'Christian' book, and the words had been transferred and used in Jersey and beyond, to scare and stir emotion, horrifying what the church can do and get away with. 
• And this is what can happen and harm vulnerable people. There undoubtedly are Satanists in Jersey, there is a nasty nasty undercurrent there, there is a Statue of the Devil preserved there and you will NEVER hear a member of clergy of church laity condemn the fact that that Statue is preserved and is a Jersey landmark, but there are no Satanists wasting their time and energy on breaking up clergy marriages, that is just a nasty, manipulative scare tactic, which can affect and frighten vulnerable people. And that is one thing that is prevelant in Church of England churches, and very prevelant in the Jersey CofE charismatic churches.
• Other books in that church included a 'Christian' book teaching a lesson about how a church woman was raped by a church man, and how it was all alright in the end because she forgave him, she didn't report him but 'because she forgave him' it was alright when she saw him chatting and laughing with people in church. It is absolutely horrifying to think that so many people do not question, as I have learned to, but follow blindly what they are told. 

• So, my coming to Jersey was already overshadowed by the Lihou-Warren-Honour charismatic-culty-church issues, and so the Lihous and Warrens are not separate from the Jersey matter nor in the past of it, they are part of it and they are part of the damage to me, and continued to be.
• I had a lovely first summer in Jersey, I had a lovely job, with employers who put up with errors by me and were kind. Unfortunately they were directly connected to the church where I was abused, but that will be explained another time. It is a small island, and if you make one powerful enemy, you may as well flee or die, for all your life can be worth if you make the wrong enemies, you can lose everyone and everything through interconnection, the same can be said to a certain extent of the Church of England, if you report one, you could end up blacklisted by all, as I have. But...I would rather be blacklisted by the Church of England than included, because they have lost sight of God, and that is apparent in the way I am being mercilessly destroyed.

A decade

Yes I am partially back on my feet.

It took me a decade to really realise that God was not in the Church of England and that they were not in God.

A decade, of abuse and abuses, a decade of seeing wrong things and being indignant but not realising that the whole system is bad.

A decade that has damaged me to extremes.

I pray for any other vulnerable people who are slow at realising the harm they are suffering, and who end up damaged. I pray that they see the light.

I pray for any victim of a church-state setup, especially those in Ireland who were enslaved and abused in mainly Catholic schemes such as the Magdalene laundries and the industrial schools and Catholic-run orphanages and schools, especially as seeking justice and redress has been so prevented by the power that the church held.

The spiritual damage of people using God's Name while abusing their power is horrendous.

The Sabbath - Narrow legalism

I have a feeling that the legalistic idiots in the CofE would be screaming about me doing my housework on Sunday, er, yes, I went through all this with Jill Lihou, who was an expert at narrow legalism.

Apparently because the 10 commandments say 'Keep the Sabbath day Holy', I am not supposed to do anything on Sunday.

Yeah, I remember Jill Lihou criticizing me for working on a Sunday, I asked her how I was supposed to earn my living if that was when my employers had shifts for me? And what about emergency services, and why was the Vicar breaking the Sabbath by working?

The answer was 'Oh well, if people have to!'.
So some people have to break the Sabbath?
It needled me, back when I was young and dependent and immature and since, I was indeed, despite being a questioner, a sheeple, who let these old and narrow people control me. And sadly, many vulnerable people are both led astray and away from God by the CofE's legalistic teachings and become part of this legalism that is set against Jesus' teaching.

But here we go.

The Pharisees inflicted this same legalism on Jesus and His Disciples 2000 years ago and still the old legalistic control freaks in the Church of England prefer to abuse the 10 Commandments to suit themselves and control others.
The Church of England appear not to know or understand Matthew Chapter 12. Verses 1 to 8. And onwards. The rest of the chapter.

http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew%2012&version=NIV

So, I know, better than poor Jill, who needed to be in control because she was ill and because she was assaulted in her past,(she told me), that I am not committing wrong by doing my housework today and I needn't feel guilty and expect to go to hell or have displeased my Lord, He is not that fussy!

Because where does 'Keep the Sabbath Day Holy' Translate to don't work?
Jesus said 'needs must', there are more important things in life than legalism.
And old narrow church people 'keeping the Sabbath' blindly, while slating others, are committing that Sin of Judgement, legalism, controlling.

And finally, every member of the CofE would be breaking 'Keep the Sabbath Holy' if it was really about not working, because the Sabbath, in My Father's land and tongue, is not Sunday, but Saturday.
Shabbat.

God rested on the 7th Day, Shabbat, not Yom Rishon.
And He does approve of us resting.

Keep reading the Book of Matthew, it is indeed about the same dreadful Pharisees who, 2000 years later are trying to destroy another person who spoke out against them, the Church of England.

Anything and everything

Good evening,
This blog is on a bit of a break as things are busy here.

I would just like to say that it remains the case that what was inflicted on me last year for no reason at all, and the smear campaign by the Jersey Deanery was an utter disgrace.

The plumbline, yardstick, spirit level of measurement of the Church's behaviour is Jesus and His teachings, and their behaviour, diocese and Deanery last year, was inexcusably completely and utterly out of line.

If the Church, with all their wealth and power, claim to be there because of Jesus and His teachings, they should act as if they are there because of Jesus and His teachings.

Jesus Never publicly flogged anyone, He prevented a woman from being stoned to death, while Deanery and Diocese have acted as if they don't even know the Bible.
Which is why I keep offering them Matthew Chapter 23.

Ken Blue - Healing from Spiritual Abuse - Excellent Book

Good evening,

I am relaxing after a wonderful but exhausting party, I have been formulating many thoughts, especially since I have now decided to focus on healing from spiritual abuse.

One of the best known books on spiritual abuse is Ken Blue's book, Healing from Spiritual Abuse/breaking free from a bad church.

Interestingly enough, I am not in a bad church now. I regularly attend two very different churches, and will be at both tomorrow, not simultaneously.
Neither are 'bad' nor do I need to break free from them.
Since I broke free from the Church of England as they destroyed me, I have learned about me, and about church, and about boundaries, and it has been amazing.
I do not stay with a church that takes me over or belittles me, because I know I don't need to, and I remember the words that my kind Catholic friends taught me, which remain with me, and put me back directly in contact with God without the need for a Church mediating.

When I left the Church of England I left behind 30 years of sexual and emotional, physical and spiritual abuse, that came from 17 years with my parents and 13 years with the Church of England.
Now as you can imagine, that is 30 years of damage and only 3 years separated from the damage, and because the damage occured throughout my developing years as a child and young adult, it has ingrained and it has affected me as a person, how I relate to others, how I respond to pastoral care, how I respond to church and community, how I am in general.

3 years after escaping, I have a wake up call to how I am responding to others and church and what the root cause is, and at 33 years old, this wake up call is a bit late, and just with my other problems and conditions, such as autism and reactive attachment disorder, glimpses of this spiritual damage were always showing through, here and there I knew how some of the spiritual abuse caused some of my reaction to things, but because my problems have been overwhelming and survival has been the priority for so long, the problems had to stay locked in, not faced, nor did I know how to face them.

I gave you an example of very innocent spiritual abuse where my church leader friend talked about how people like me should be aborted before birth, to make less of a burden on society. Here is another example of how readers and preachers in the church can basically say what they like and not really understand how things are for people with disability.
And I will lead into a statement about me from this account:

It was a nice sunny day, 2003 or 2004, the service was read by our much loved reader, the same one who said that my 21st Birthday party was the best party he had been to all day, as he poured the alcohol and stayed close to the bar.

The reader talked about love, he said that the only thing that mattered in Jesus'view was that we loved one another (not true), and loved our neighbour as ourself.

He was very much putting over the same sort of view that JM used to, that 'God is love', JM used to admit to me that she had no faith in their being a real God and heaven, and even that she didn't believe in the Virgin Birth, She told me that it brought people's faith down when astronauts went up and found no God in space.
What puzzled me was, why would anyone think astronauts would find God? Heaven isn't physical and finadable and why would a Vicar be secretly not believing in the Virgin Birth? JM's comments rocked my faith, she claimed that God was love, which was why she used to half-kill herself trying to put people's lives right.

Anyway, back to the reader, Church of England froth, decided to state to us, that 'love was the most important thing', and while love is, and Jesus did say 'love your neighbour as yourself', I have yet to meet any member of the church of england who even gets on with all their neighbours, or even their fellow church members.
I think Church of England are kind of focussed on the wrong things, especially people pleasing, and saying the right thing to soothe the ears of those who put the most money in the coffers.

I was and am a menace to the Church of England because I ask questions, this is the statement I meant.
I don't sit in church and dopily believe everything I hear.
This is interesting because for the 17 cult years, I was taught to blindly accept everything I was told, and that was hellish damaging.

But once I challenged my parents about the continued scare tactics once I had left them, ie they were telling me that jihads and armageddons were on the way and we could all be killed and if we were lucky we would be picking up the bodies, once I actually made a choice between their world and the real world, which I did, aged 19, and further when I was about 22, I questioned everything, and have done ever since! I am the bane of the comfortable old church's life, because I do not accept everything as it is said, if it sounds incorrect.

Now, with my current churches, I don't need to question, because they are not able to indoctrinate me, I know what songs and words I do not believe and I choose not to join in those sings or words, and so far, these churches do not object, and thus they are not spiritually abusing me.
I am keen to learn God's word and worship Him, but I feel I can do that without being forced on or misguided.

There is nothing representative of God in the way the Church of England have been to me, and very little representation of Jesus in their worship and creed, it is, again, soothing words for the elderly and wealthy who keep the Church of England alive, and I was so indoctrinated in the Church of England, having gone from the cult to them for refuge, that I was blind to how damaging the Church of England were to me.
I feel sad for all those in the Church of England who are caught in that deception forever, and think it is Christianity.

And I can imagine any well-to-do old lady fuming and self righteously blaring if they ever read this, because I have experienced this self-righteous blaring. (I wonder if Ginger Nut will self righteously blare if he reads this).
All the self-righteousness in the world will not make the Church of England into a Christian Church who do not teach properly because they are too busy during sermon time talking about the priest's personal life and other things that soothe the people who pay for the Church, although the Church is both a government department and a Charity, and should pay for itself.

And the sermons that the Church of England do far too frequently, about people paying more, and tying this increased payment in with the Bible, are abominable, and they sicken me, this is not Christianity, and these offensive sermons are questioned by me, the Great Questioner, but not by the wealthy old congregation who they are aimed at.

Anyway, lets return to the old reader and his froth about love.

Loving people is the most important Christian Value

He states.

He isn't expecting the Great Questioner and has no reply when she asks

What about those of us with a limited capacity to love? How do you tell someone with liited capacity for love that they are substandard in your Christian Ethic.

The reader had no adequate reply, and the memory sticks with me, that man, with his nice home and money and comfortably preaching among similar people, met by my question and truly stumped, he indeed couldn't answer and fluffed and frothed, repeating himself that to be Christians we have to love...
He couldn't explain how he could judge me and others less able to love as I did as substandard Christians.

The Church of England's splintered and variable teaching can be lethal, and I will provide other examples of this, as I have been doing.
As far as I know, preaching in the CofE is not audited or recorded or assessed, and basically they are free to do as they please, and with such a wide range of preachers, it is pot luck.

But anyway, in conclusion, I know I rock the boat in stuffy old clubs like that by questioning, and because I can question and have been questioning, I think there is hope for healing, for me to become independent of the brainwashing that has shaped me and the spiritual damage inflicted by the Church of England.
And I can also be assertive and leave a Church, leave an abusive situation.

Well it has only taken 33 years to get this far, to the beginning of healing.

Wish me luck.

Having us culled - A chilling memory of how harmful the Church can be

Recently I remembered a conversation between me and one of my older church friends. It has stayed with me, though the exact words have faded.

This older 'friend' of mine, started talking about abortion, and how selective abortion would be right, to rid the society of disability and the strain that disabled people place on it.

Bearing in mind that this was a Church of England 'Christian' and she was talking to me, it was horrifying.

I said to her, 'you mean I should have been aborted as a burden? what about all those parents of disabled children who learn so much and love their children so much?'

My friend didn't answer that properly, tried to brush it aside, and continued to talk about how society was burdened by disability and how it would be better for abortion to remove the disabled.

I asked her about people who were born normal and became disabled, do we cull them? or do they live knowing that disability is not acceptable and that they would have been aborted in the womb if they had been scanned and seen as disabled then.

My friend would not change her mind, basically she had decided that people with autism, downs syndrome or physical disability should be killed before birth, basically she was telling me that my life was of no worth, I was a burden.

 This was back when I was working full time and working as a volunteer the rest of the time, this woman, who had lived a charmed life and always had everything, was telling me, her friend, that I was of no worth, and, especially considering that the church of england continued over the years to enforce this negative view of me and have made life hell for me, it is amazing I didn't walk out on them years before I did.

Funny how Jane Fisher never mentioned to Romsey or anyone else she slandered me to, about the way I have been treated, she never even mentioned the abuse, only made me out to be a troublemaker.

The church of England are an uber-menace, protected by the government that they are part of, rife with spiritual abuse as described above, and rife with sexual abuse as predators are protected by the church, just as they are in other government departments, and the same abuse of power to intimidate and defame victims exists in the Church of England as in other government departments.

Anyway, my friend who thinks that people like me should be aborted before birth, never changed her mind. She held so many church positions, and she thought people like me were better off dead, even though she and I had never fallen out. 

This is one of the reasons the Church of England is so dangerous, they do not teach ethics or educate members, leadership is based on money and status rather than Christianity, and unfortunately the narrow old people who lead the church rarely have real insight into disability, poverty and the causes and cultures around it. 

Spiritual abuse musings

Thinking my blogging was over for the day, I am inspired by debate, and am looking at the awesome 'Battered Sheep Ministries website again.
Basically thinking in terms of what Elle and I commented on healthy churches on my recent 'Anything and Everything' post.

http://www.batteredsheep.com/checklist.htmlhttp://www.batteredsheep.com/checklist.html


I will proceed with a variety of quotes about Church and cult behaviour. This is very refreshing stuff, it helps to restore me, thanks Ginger, for inspiring me.

The word of the Lord came to me: "Son of man, prophesy against the shepherds of Israel; prophesy and say to them: 'This is what the Sovereign Lord says: Woe to the shepherds of Israel who only take care of themselves! Should not shepherds take care of the flock? You eat the curds, clothe yourselves with the wool and slaughter the choice animals, but you do not take care of the flock. You have not strengthened the weak or healed the sick or bound up the injured. You have not brought back the strays or searched for the lost. You have ruled them harshly and brutally. So they were scattered because there was no shepherd, and when they were scattered they became food for all the wild animals. My sheep wandered over all the mountains and on every high hill. They were scattered over the whole earth, and no one searched or looked for them."
[Ezekiel 34:1-6, NIV]

 This passage below is tough!

Then Jesus said to the crowds and to his disciples: "The teachers of the law [literally, scribes] and the Pharisees sit in Moses' seat. So you must obey them and do everything they tell you. But do not do what they do, for they do not practice what they preach."
[Matthew 23:1-3, NIV]

"Woe to you, blind guides! You say, 'If anyone swears by the temple, it means nothing; but if anyone swears by the gold of the temple, he is bound by his oath.' You blind fools! Which is greater: the gold, or the temple that makes the gold sacred?"
[Matthew 23:16-17, NIV]

"Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You give a tenth of your spices -- mint, dill and cummin. But you have neglected the more important matters of the law -- justice, mercy and faithfulness. You should have practiced the latter, without neglecting the former. You blind guides! You strain out a gnat but swallow a camel."
[Matthew 23:23-24, NIV]

Jesus said to them, "The kings of the Gentiles lord it over them; and those who exercise authority over them call themselves Benefactors."
[Luke 22:25, NIV]

 I have had all my dirty laundry hung out by the church, whether the dirt is imagined or real, and although I have confessed my sins in penitence and faith, I remain condemned.

"... at any future date, the overseer may drag out this dirty laundry to discredit the disciple or make him feel guilty. That happened to me when I was trying to explain my position. My overseer blurted out, 'I hate to bring this up, but ...' And this was done in a room full of people. My immediate reaction was to curl up and shut up. I had nothing on her but she had a lot on me."
[Churches That Abuse, by Ronald M. Enroth, pp. 106-107.]

As we have seen, all of this authoritarian and elitist projection of power through intimidation and manipulation inevitably leads to very tragic consequences. And these consequences go even beyond what I have just described. Jesus foretold the consequences in the Pharisees' case as follows (verse 34):

"Therefore I am sending you prophets and wise men and teachers. Some of them you will kill and crucify; others you will flog in your synagogues and pursue from town to town."
[Matthew 23:34, NIV]

I cannot imagine Jesus telling us to falsley empower ourselves by throwing our hands out and saying 'fire on you', I cannot imagine Him understanding people lying on the floor whimpering 'Daddy God', nor can I see Him encouraging children to be used in the laying on of hands, or the use of 'sobbing music' or sexed-up talk about us being the Bride' to get people in a hysterical mood, these do not seem like frivolities Jesus would have time for when He came to save us.

 

"Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You shut the kingdom of heaven in men's faces. You yourselves do not enter, nor will you let those enter who are trying to."
[Matthew 23:13, NIV]

http://www.batteredsheep.com/church-speak.html

Excellent paragraph below!  So many times in Jersey 'words' were given to me, and usually I laughed, because they were given as part of the show.

Words of Wisdom and Words of Knowledge can come from God through spiritually sensitive people today. However, these words do not supersede the authoritative weight of the Apostles. The only real way to be sure that a word from the Lord is for you, is if it's the Word of the Lord, that is, Scripture. And yes, even in this, Scripture is not to be used to manipulate people.

lets go back 36 - poverty

Here in the village the couple were anti-church, one of their family and one of them had had hell from the Church of England and they were disgusted with the church, this startled me, because despite my own bad experiences I was still very much pro-church. But I had tremendous respect for this couple, they had both lost their spouses from cancer at the same hospital at the same time, had comforted each other and had married, between them they had six children, and what I admire most was that the woman's four children were adopted siblings, all badly abused, she and her first husband had adopted all four in order to keep them together, had worked with them through their problems and disabilities and raised four children who despite having problems, all went on to lead lives of their own, I have profound respect for her for this.

So the lady almost understood problems, and was inordinately patient with me as I had grown more disturbed from my continued problems, and her husband was also extremely patient with me, they were patient with my lack of money as well, the college hardship fund started subsidising my rent, but between petrol and creditors, my money tended to be gone before I got it, but I managed to keep up the rent payments.

I had trouble eating sometimes, they were puzzled by this, but learned that I could not usually eat a big meal and kept to simple food, the great thing about their house was that there was limitless cups of tea, and I could make a pot, I loved to hurtle home from college, make a big pot of tea, and put my favourite programme on TV ‘My parents are aliens’ on, and if you ever want a deep insight into what it is like to be high functioning autistic, then watch that programme, it also gives you an insight into some of my humour. After watching TV for a bit, I would head back to college for library study and planning to travel the world.

I liked the couple I lived with, but had almost nothing in common with them, they loved animals though, and being busy with volunteer work, which helped, they had a dog and a cat when I arrived, and got a mad puppy when I was there, they religiously took the dogs to kennel club training, and the cat would come and curl up with me as I watched telly, and I loved that.

I loved college as well, it was far too stressful, but I loved it, I was not one of the most able students, but I got some very good grades, I was the quietest student and found the social side of college very hard, and was glad that it was a very small college compared to the one in Hampshire, that helped, sometimes I made the effort to go with the other students and hang out in the hostels but I wasn’t really interested, they just sat around and talked about drunken binges and computer games and TV shows, when if I was on my own at break I would have been walking by the beautiful lake and getting a hot drink and a snack, I would have been in the library or on the farm, try as I did, I could not bring purpose to hanging out with the other students.

 And that is how it has been and is in my life, the more I try to be a social person, the more tired and hopeless and lost I feel, alone I am efficient, I carry out necessary routines, I sit alone and read, I listen to music and I escape the hopeless tennis games of conversation, but I made a big concerted effort at college, I didn’t want to repeat my life at the old college, so I went out for a few drinks with the others, didn’t enjoy it, went bowling with one of my fellow students and spent time with her and enjoyed that, went to the pub and played pool with landlady's daughter and her spouse several times, and enjoyed that but panicked a lot each time.
 
Back to the grim Lihou and finance issues, Jill and George decided they would come and see me, and I wondered if I really wanted that, but I agreed, they were coming for the whole of my day off, despite the problems we were having.

Just to mention, my toy Lion, Joj, was not named after George, not sure why that is written here but I may as well include it.

lets go back 31 2006

Jill continued to get me to talk, even though I did not know it was too much emotional strain on her, but they were ‘the adults’ and I was the problem child, so I responded as best as I could to Jill.
Jill worried and fussed about my depression, she went with me to the doctor and spoke for me, telling them of a medicine that someone thought would work, but which was dangerous for a suicidal person to have, so they rarely prescribed it any more, this was a whackingly strong drug compared to what I had had so far, and as a result my short term memory started having blips, Jill told the doctors that she was a retired nurse and would secure and administer the drug herself, in order to keep me safe.

 Sadly later as my relationship with Jill and George broke down, they told me that Jill had got ill from having to look after my drugs in case I commited suicide. Sadly the drug didn’t help anyway and made me ill and Jill was not keeping an eye on the side effects and I was the one who withdrew the drug after months of its effects on me, I had massive black patches of depression while on it, the worst I have ever had, and my memory became rubbish as well. I also ended up in hospital from the drug, I will explain that later.

I had continued to do delivery driving for the takeaway in my old town, though this was part time and I could not claim benefits while doing this, though my income from driving was low, I couldn’t go all the way to the town every night to work as it was too far, and so I was doing three nights and finding it a trial anyway, the long treacherous road  was too much, and the drive back late at night was the worst bit, the petrol it used was also too much, and I was by now only doing a small amount of freelance work due to customers divorcing, moving and dying, and me being pretty ill with depression.

One evening on the way back I stopped at the village takeaway for something, and they offered me a delivery job, so I gave up the longer journey, but sadly the new job was not brilliant, the Turkish takeaway owners had all sorts of strange men coming into the back of the shop where I waited for deliveries, I was intimidated, and the bosses also wanted me to break speed limits to get the deliveries out as I drove carefully, the Takeaway in my old town had had a firm anti-speeding policy, and it was against my ethics to speed, and especially after the tragedy with Laura, I was not speeding for a takeaway, and as I was too quiet in the shop and too uncomfortable with speeding, I resigned, now all I had was casual freelance work and a feeling of hopelessness.

My old job at the big house also got passed from one unsuitable hopeful to another, so at least I knew it wasn’t just me, that is not to say I was not ashamed and demoralized by the loss, and I was also furious that Jill and George kept in contact with my old boss there, without my permission and behind my back, wounding my pride and taking my much valued privacy and dignity, this was one of the bigger bones of contention between us, but I was the one who got slated for complaining about it, and it is never mentioned by the Channel Islanders who have used Jill and George against me to absolve the Dean, nor are the other wrongs done to me.

So now I was a Jill and George brand of me I started going to their church more often, so what I tended to do was go to a mixture of their church and L. Benefice services, their church in the morning and L. in the evening for example, it worked, and I became fond of their church, very much so, I wish I could go back, but it would break my heart beyond anything if I did, I do not think I would cope with the grief, even going to see my friend in that town makes my cry and hurt so much.

(remember this was written in 2011, I have no feelings for the Church of England or anyone oin it any more)

I first met my friend J. in the gardening club, though she was a member of the church, a bright, joyful, cheerful lady who adored God, J. has been an inspiration to me over the past 6 years, J needed help in her huge rambling garden, her hens and chickens helped by digging out the wrong plants and causing merry chaos, and her dog Jay was the most adorable sweet natured dog, a dog so like his owner, J. brought instant calm to my life as she got me helping with her veg plot, and that was where I was one day when the college in Dorset rang to offer me a place on their Agricultural course, at the same time I was offered a job on a gardening team in Berkshire.

 Weighing it up I was concerned I wouldn’t be able to work at commercial speed in the mess I was in, and I had dreamed of returning to Agriculture since leaving the old college, so I accepted the college place, wondering how an earth I would fund myself, and deciding that by hook or by crook I would! J was the first to hear of my acceptance by the college and she was delighted, J. is such a joyful person, with such a faith in God, her prayers and teaching and support have been invaluable to me, and now the only thing between us is distance, heartache and my fear of Jane Fisher’s interference.

I went to the college for interviews and those went well, and unlike at the old college, I knew and declared special needs in my registration, and returned to Hampshire to excitedly wait the start of the course, to return to what I had abandoned at the old college and to achieve greater, I thought maybe this was the good that came out of all the sadness and bad of losing my tied cottage job.

George and Jill’s friend Paul became my friend and involved himself in my finances because he used to be an accountant and Jill and George asked him to help me, I also gardened for him, but by that time I was very slow, my heart must have been struggling without me knowing it by then, due to the meds, I remember finding it inordinately hard to barrow stones down the hill, Paul was a bit serious and solemn, he had a big house and garden and played golf, but he had had breakdowns from depression and nerves in the past and had had to retire as a result, and his wife was not a Christian and this seemed to cause Paul great problems, his wife was also a jealous woman and I gather she became jealous and upset at Paul’s involvement in my life, but that was during my time at college so I will finish explaining later.

Jill and George went to Jersey to babysit their grandchildren while the parents were away at a conference, the parents were Jill and George’s daughter and her husband, the Warrens, who run St Lawrence and St. Matthews in Jersey, I had instructions to phone them in Jersey if I had the slightest query, and I did have some query at one point, so I phoned and it was the priest son in law who answered, he was Phil Warren, who later involved himself in the problems I had in Jersey and used his parents-in-law's side of things against me.

The saddest and most difficult part of my relationship with Jill and George was something they did regularly and my reaction to it. They boasted, I am sorry to put it so bluntly, and though they denied it, they boasted. All day, every day, indoors, outdoors, even George's 'sermons' were a large percentage of boasting and a small percentage relevant or teaching.

From the first housegroup at their house I met with their boasting, and did not know how to cope, I was insecure, felt small, felt ashamed at my lack of background and experience and home and education and everything else, I lacked all the things that most people take for granted, and here I was with this wealthy, extremely lucky, gifted and blessed family, and the wealth, gifts, education, privileges and blessings were flaunted, spoken about non-stop, flung in my face, and sadly Jill and George would not accept my gentle and tactful requests to talk about other things, they did not understand when I needed a break from such conversations, and when I was with them if anyone joined us they would carry on like this, even to a total stranger who came to church for the first time, I escaped to J’s often, and listened to her talk about God and gardening and Jay and Freddie and the chickens and the wildlife, J was refreshing and her son was a nice man, he lived over the road from her, J prayed for me and George and Jill, she prayed for peace for us, but we never found peace.

The impact of the Diocese's cruelty

There are many and varied impacts of the Diocese's cruelty in Jersey and Winchester, which will last me the remainder of my life.

One significant one is that I severely mistrust offers of help. especially in relation to church.

I cannot trust myself with church people because of the way the diocese went behind my back and maligned me to every church in Winchester so that I was walking around maligned, branded and shamed.
Now if a church person tries to help me, I look round for the diocese and their condemnation, and I try to escape, I can't believe in myself and I can't believe that a church person who tries to help me will not be taken off me, so usually I do not allow people to stay with me, either I leave or I ask them not to help me.
With a few exceptions.

I feel that I am branded by the diocese for the rest of my days and I associate any church and any church people with branding and unforgiveness and unworthiness and the danger of Jane Fisher intervening as soon as she finds me.

And judging by what has happened, my fears are justified.

I will never really feel safe in a church or with church people, however much love and acceptance there is, and that is funny because what are churches supposedly for? And what did the Diocese make church into by going behind my back and maligning me? They left me eternally separated from what should be safety, fellowship and a place where I would not be judged, until even with the lovely churches who have been alongside me, I cannot really feel safe and included, the brand of the Diocese of Winchester is very deep, and it may never be a thing I recover from.

Credit to the Churches who have nurtured and included me and tried to help.