The Year 2016

It has been an incredibly hard year, not that there have been any easy years. I am only doing a brief recap of the year this year as I am moving house and am very tired and ill.
I feel I should still do an account of the year even if my heart isn't in it. And in a way I am worried that I am repeating what is already in the books 'Coming Home' and 'Homecoming'.

January.

In January this year I was somehow surviving on almost no money at all due to unfairly losing my tax credits and my work was very low as well, the winter is a hard time for gardeners and for me it was my first year back in work and I had been living hand to mouth and unable to prepare for winter. So I was in absolute poverty in January.

I was doing my best with my second term at university but it was a sad hard time. Christmas Day 2015 was the last time I saw my friend alive and she died in January of this year.

I continued to fight to rebuild my life despite the sadness and poverty, as I had no idea that the Church of England would destroy me and make it all worthless a few months later.

There was that disastrous day in January when I woke up to a leak in the roof and water dripping onto my laptop, and then Florence broke down in the pouring rain and floods in the middle of nowhere as I delivered the papers round the villages. Thankfully I managed to bump start her and get her home, but she needed a new starter motor.

I was coming to the end of my work delivering papers on the rural routes now anyway as it had been too much stress for me and Florence, and we swapped for a smaller, local round.

The wet weather and local flooding continued.

I joined a running course and was running well but it was badly arranged and hard to keep up with. When my friend died, I remember running and crying, and I renamed the blog 'The Journey Home' for some reason. Partly because Jane Fisher seemed to have vanished and I felt almost as if I had a right to live again despite losing my best friend.
I didn't get on with all my friend's family and I chose not to attend the funeral, I couldn't cope with them and I was too weak myself.

I was doing my best, despite my terror, to endure hospital appointments about my jaw as I now had a good dentist and he had been concerned about my jaw, the hospital backed up this concern and wanted to splint my jaw and do biopsies and things, but I was so tired, so ill and so I bottled out of hospital treatment. Quite apart from anything, I couldn't afford to get to the hospital and pay for parking or bus fares, I had no money and no-one was helping me.

I was attending gym regularly and getting on with a lot of exercise, and I was working a very quiet delivery driving shift and getting a lot of study done while I sat and waited for deliveries.


February

In February I started some more work to tide me over, leaflet distribution. Hard and unrewarding work but at least it kept me fit and started to bring money in.
I was treated dreadfully bu the first company I did leaflets for but I was spotted by someone who got me to take on a leaflet job for them as well, they paid me properly and I applied to get my tax credits back, and eventually I ended up doing delivery driving for them when I was treated too badly by the other place. These jobs aren't nice or permanent but what mattered was that I was earning a living.

The weather turned from wet to icy and I continued to try to lower my blood pressure after the crisis with Bob Hill's collapse had sent me into blood pressure crisis.

I decided to go ahead with my sponsored 70 mile walk even though I felt awful, depressed and ill, and I knew it would be hard doing the walk without my friend or any support.

I was walking to raise money for a charity that my youth group used to support when I was younger, because that charity came up in my university studies as a case study. I planned the walk for Easter.

I went out with my social group, a rare thing now because the damage by the church had been such that I just didn't want to go out any more. I was sad that the social group were reluctant to support my walk.

It was a leap year but I didn't propose to anyone, so my poor old neighbour downstairs remained unmarried until he died, despite the fact that he called me beautiful every time he saw me.

March 

March appears to be quite nondescript. On March 8th I fell and my house keys went flying and I did a little

I had a dream in March, it seems to have almost been a prophecy, about the police. As you know, the police turned up in September this year and I hit the roof.

This is from the dream I had in March

And the police turned up.
The police actually took things seriously and wanted to question me on what I had seen, imagine if that happened in real life!
Anyway. In the dream I was furious with the police because they have treated me so badly in real life.
So I raged at them for what they have done to me, and they stood there looking surprised.
Poor dream-officers, it wasn't all their fault!

Anyway, I woke up thinking 'What on earth!' Because that was way too vivid and cohesive.

March was nondescript, and I was short of money, and at one point I accidentally let Florence's battery go flat.

The Channel Islands were having ferry problems so I wrote them yet another poem.

The plight of the condor:

 Engine failure
mechanical issues
weather issues
new boat detained

Goodwill under water
Clipper in for repair
Liberation captured
and Islanders in Despair


I started the sponsored walk on Good Friday, trying to get ahead of the forthcoming bad weather. I didn't feel like walking or celebrating Easter, but the first day or two of the walk was good weather so I survived, I took time off from all my work except delivery driving as I was the only driver. But later in the week the weather turned very bad with wind and rain and it was hard to complete the last Great Walk.

The sponsored walk put me in the mood for a spring clean and clearout of the rubbish I owned, and that is how March ended.

April

My friend was taking me to Opera and ballet, and I liked ballet but not opera at first.

Justin Welby decided that he would announce to the world that he spat on Jesus, by using the press and media for a stunt about his various fathers. Amazinly the world let him do this and limelight seeking leaders in other churches 'supported' him.
I made a complaint to the papers and ofcom and ipso that as Welby's corporation were under investigation for systemic child rape, they should not be advertising themselves but should have the decency to be quiet while under investigation, even for the sake of their victims.

The fact that I was delivering newspapers and had to deliver Welby's narcissistic stunt to so many houses left me off work ill. And of course Welby doesn't care if one of his victims starve, as long as people are mistakenly worshipping him.

I started to try to arrange a support worker for myself but it was impossible in my poverty and the unstable situation that the church were keeping me in.

Towards the end of April I was starting to revise for a music exam and end of term assessments for university, and my landlady got me to clean a filthy flat with a dying resident in it, cleaning that flat made me ill and I was under stress over revision as well, so it wasn't an easy time.

Hillsbourough Campaigners started to win a much-deserved victory in April, and Junior Doctors started striking.

I wrote a blog post about Bob Hill, and I felt better for it, because I felt to blame for his collapse even though he had hurt me a lot in his efforts to 'solve' my case.

My landlady went through a weird phase of offering me a downstairs flat and withdrawing the offer repeatedly, leaving me confused and upset, she appeared to be having major problems in her own life and was acting bizarrely.

May

This was the month of my exams and also the month that the church destroyed me. It is hard to write about.

I am not sure I want to go through it all again. I have been destroyed and waiting to die ever since.

The music exam was at the beginning of the month, and there was already a problem with the landlady hanging around the house and being weird and I was under stress. Then the day before the exam I witnessed an accident outside the house, a collision between a van and a motorbike, which left me shocked.

I still got the exam and passed it.
But then I was ill with stress, tired and in pain from the injuries seizing up with stress.

Immediately the Church of England launched upon me as I tried to pull myself together and do my end of term assessments.

It might be easier for my health if rather than go into details of the evil committed against me by the Bishop of Winchester and Archbishop of Canterbury, aided by the National Safeguarding Team, I post this, which sums up why there was a million pound cover-up that condemned me and my life and upheld criminal wrongdoers


And so I was destroyed to cover up for evil. And there is no safeguarding in the Church of England.

The church had spent a million pounds covering up for their evil and doing so at the expense of my life and health, and they wanted to bring it to a close, at my expense, in the press and media, discrediting me and upholding the wrongoders.

The damage is done and it would have been better if I had died in May. They continue to refuse to redact their discrediting and bring an independent investigation into my case, well if they did allow an investigation a number of people would have to resign or be arrested.

June

I managed to scrape through my university exams despite there being no point in life any more.

And it was all only getting worse.

I was being plagued by an idiot called Jane Dodds who wanted the Church cover-up neatly swept away and me co-erced into saying that being utterly destroyed was fine. She was caseworker for the national safeguarding team of the church on a voluntary basis before she suddenly vanished after adding to the harm to me.

But it was all worse, the situation where I lived had already been precarious before the church destroyed me, and I felt that I had no choice but to give notice, and I did. 

My work was falling apart as well, and Florence, the car, was due her MOT and I was sure I couldn't get her through the MOT.

I was going to lose Florence and my home and the rest of my life was already destroyed by the church, it felt as if all my work in rebuilding my life had been for nothing.

Bob Hill came out of hospital after many months but he couldn't speak, he wasn't quite the same Bob.

And then my tax credits were restored, so Florence went back to her old owners to be overhauled and sold on, I took Max, her younger brother, off their hands for a bit more than I paid for Florence.

I wrote this:  http://lifeafterthediocese.blogspot.co.uk/2016/06/archbishop-abuse-case.html

Jersey's failed and disgraced safeguarding partnership started harassing me in earnest over their whitewash report into my case and trying to force me to agree to it's publication, just as I prepared to move house and just after the move.

The house move and buying Max left me short of money and I nearly became dangerously ill with low blood sugar when food ran out.

I moved to the new house at the end of June. I was utterly exhausted, destroyed by the church and not sure what to do, I knew that the new place wasn't going to be a permentant home, it was right by a pub and with no parking and was mainly benefits tenants and a lot more run down than the old place. But what could I do? Everything I had built up was smashed down.

July

I started looking for more work despite the state I was in, I couldn't afford to sit around, but I was too unsure of most of the work that was on offer, but a gardening team who I had been in contact with in the past offered me sub-contract work and I took them up on it and have been working with them part time ever since as well as doing my own gardening rounds.

Max started having catalyst problems, and as I write this, we intend to change his catalyst in the new year. But it was worrying to start with as I didn't know what was wrong.

I started writing and preparing Manuscripts, and in July I started writing 'Coming Home' which kept me sane and occupied after my whole world had collapsed and been swept away, and I managed to keep going as a result, even with increasingly vile attacks by Jersey safeguarding partnership, culminating in their famous troll attack instigated by Ian Gorst.

August

On the same day as Battle of Flowers in Jersey, I marshaled for the local carnival. I hadn't marshaled since I used to marshal for Battle when I was in Jersey. If I wasn't in such a broken state then I would have said that this was a positive sign but after the horrific unhealable wounds inflicted by the church and Jersey Safeguarding Partnership, I wasn't recovering, I just happened to marshal, and it wasn't brilliant really, I just got posted outside a local church who I had been helping and they treated me like royalty, apart from that I didn't enjoy marshaling and wasn't fit to be there. I pretended it was great and wonderful but I felt like death.

On August 22nd I published my first three books, 'Goodnight Anna', 'Coming Home' and 'The Silent World'. And the books haven't stopped. I think including some in private circulation, there are about 18, and some of those are duplicated into other forms as well, such as e-books.

I re-started my music lessons which had been ruined by the church and poverty and I was revising for a grade 5 exam.

I had no idea what was about to happen.

September 

Before the world shattered, I was preparing a new book, and I was starting to do short story competitions as well as preparing for university and revising for my grade 5 exam.

On September 3rd, in a grotesque parody of my old life, I stewarded at a local horticultural show, but to me it was just going through the motions, what I had before is gone forever, my community, my friends, my shows, the church destroyed it all, and I felt more sad and useless than anything else, but the people wanted me to start showing again for next year and they were trying to arrange me some land, which would have gone ahead if the police attack hadn't happened.

You may remember I posted this:

“I sit alone in a dead world. The wind blows hot and dry, and the dust gathers like particles of memory waiting to be swept away. I pray for forgetfulness, yet my memory remains strong, as does the outstretched arm of the oppressive air. It seems as if the wind has been there since the beginning of the nightmare. Sometimes loud and harsh, a thousand sharp needles scratching at my reddened skin. Sometimes a whisper, a curious sigh in the black of night, of words more frightening than pain. I know now the wind has been speaking to me. Only I couldn't understand because I was too scared. I am scared now as I write these words. Still, there is nothing else to do.”

Christopher Pike - Whisper of Death

September 5th 2016, it was raining in the morning, just enough to delay my work, so I was out and about, doing other things.

It was when I came back that my world stopped. I don't know if the shock and revulsion and terror will ever fade.

All was well, well as well as it could be after the horrific damage by the church and safeguarding partnership, and I was walking up to the flats, my landlord was working on the shop below the flats and he said hello and smiled, and I said hello and smiled, all normal, and then the world stopped and never re-started.

My landlord said to me 'You see that car there? That car belongs to two police, a woman and a man and they have come to see you'.

I am crying as I write this. I am severely traumatized. It was the end of my home, my safety and the last remnants of the life I had rebuilt, my safety and welfare depended on being a fugitive, and the bastards had found me.

My landlord told me that this man and woman had come all the way to find me, quite a journey, and they were 'concerned for my welfare'. They had come all the way from Jane Fisher's local police station, Jane Fisher, who repeatedly had me beaten and imprisoned to silence me for the church.

Those of you who don't know what 'concern for my welfare'  means, it means the police consider you to be insane and meriting a beating and imprisonment for your abusers.

The most horrifying things about this were that the bastards had actually been discussing me with my landlord, but worse, they had been able to trace me after all my efforts to be in hiding. I was done for, my new identity was my safety, the thing I relied on to not be branded and driven out, and the bastards would probably have ripped through my whole life, friends, community and private records and privacy and contacts, in order to destroy me again as they were doing now.

The one and only advantage I had was that the bastards had left their car and gone off somewhere.

I was hungry and I couldn't flee without my ID and food and things I needed, so I had no choice but to go into my flat.

Unfortunately the bastards came back as I did so, I had told the landlord that when they came back, to tell them to leave and never come back or I would make a harassment complaint. 

But unfortunately he had given them my phone number. And I was trapped in my home because they wouldn't leave.

Instead of leaving, the bastards tried to phone me.

I told them to leave or I would make a harassment complaint.

They weren't taking no for an answer and tried to text me.

I emailed professional standards and told them to get their bastards off my doorstep.

The bastards tried to leave but their car broke down and my landlord had to help them bump start it as they didn't know how!  He never stopped laughing but I wasn't laughing, because when they showed no sign of leaving, I climbed out the skylight and onto the roof, and I am scared of heights, I was terrified, traumatised and sobbing as my world shattered again.

I haven't recovered even now, as you may have noticed, I am very ill, and the police and professional standards have done nothing to rectify anything, nor explain this illegal violation of my home.

Well actually although the bastards left, they have been really nasty about my complaint, as have professional standards, and have jeered by sending letters in my old name for me to sign for when I am not allowed to and to see letters turning up in the flats under my old name and breaching the law and my identity change added to the horrific trauma, and as yet nothing has been done, and professional standards, knowing my new name as the police who turned up here did, also sent letters to me under every name but my own.

I haven't recovered. And there has been no resolution. I never felt safe in my home and the shock, the trauma, the revulsion, of being violated and having my new identity and new clean record ripped from me has left me deteriorating and depressed and afraid. Every time I heard a car engine I rushed to the window.

You will see from September's blog posts and lack of blog posts, that things were very bad.

My relationship with the landlord and fellow tenants was never the same again, and to be honest the whole street, gossips that they were, and the pub, knew all about it, but the police and professional standards have not apologized.

Instead of going on the run and sleeping rough permanently, I decided to hang onto my home and stand my ground. But I didn't re-settle in the flat, it stank of shame and revulsion, and the problem of the noise from the upstairs neighbour became worse and I stopped sleeping properly.

October

I continued to publish books. The Wanderer Series was halfway now.

University started and I just had to do my best despite everything.

I continued work as well.

On the Anniversary of being left homeless, I went to Southampton Airport as usual.

While working with the team we survived being pulled over at a police checkpoint.

Then I got some sad news that an old Christian friend had died. 

I went to a day school and I tried to prepare for my grade 5 exam but I was struggling so much.

November 

November started catastrophically with professional standards jeering at me over my police complaint on the eve of my grade 5 exam, I broke a tooth the same evening, and also the same evening I coughed blood as my esophogus started bleeding again. 

I went and took the exam and then my adoptive mum who was supposed to meet me afterwards didn't turn up and Max redeveloped his catalyst fault as I headed for Winchester to celebrate North Walls.

I could hardly enjoy North Walls as I was too ill, and someone parked illegally, blocking Max in and I had to risk him getting a puncture as I had to bump him over kerbs.

When I got home I was violently ill, vomiting without stopping until there was only blood and bile coming up. It was supposed to be such a special weekend and there had been no good in the year at all and the weekend had been as bad as it could be, and yes, I failed the exam. I am mortified. My exams mean so much to me and I have to pay so much for them. I won't say things can't get worse, because the next church or police attack will be my horrible and messy death.

Anyway, work and university continued, even if I wasn't doing well at university. I went back on omeprazole and my esophogus stopped bleeding.

I got befriended by an old lady but she was extremely demanding and I couldn't cope with her, she wanted me to move in and be her housekeeper and all sorts, but I will tell you in full another time about that, it was totally unsuitable even if I was looking for another home.

My old dentist who was the only good dentist I ever saw, had left the practice and the new one filed my broken tooth down and had a bridge made up, but she kept ramming this bridge onto my sore gum and she wasn't English and didn't seem to understand that she was hurting me, I never wore the bridge in the end.

It is so unfair that I had found a good dentist and then he left.

December

December started with a bang. The bangs and crashes were from the upstairs neighbour at 2.45am in the morning, and I gave my notice when the landlord wouldn't do anything about this.

So I spent December looking for a new home and packing up my stuff.

I was very depressed and unhappy, but work and university continued, and I was offered a temporary home.

I was relieved at the thought of leaving the home that the police had destroyed, I was terrified every day that I remained there.

I tried to keep my life normal and prepare both for Christmas and the house move. It was stressful and I messed up a music assignment but scraped a pass.

My books about homelessness were beginning to grow a following.

Christmas arrived, and it wasn't too awful in some ways.

I enjoyed all the Christmassy television  and the lights and decorations, I was worried about money, because having put a deposit on the new place etc, I hadn't enough even for food, let alone celebrations, but several people stepped in and all was well.

I had just been to midnight mass and as I walked home, the police had closed the road and there was a dead man there, he had been murdered. That cast a shadow over Christmas a bit.

On Christmas morning I went to church and then spent the day with some people who live nearby, it was a nice enough day.

On boxing day I went to support the boxing day swim and came home, there was a strange man hanging around and I asked the police if it was a crackpot or one of their DCs, because this man hung around for ages and rang my doorbell but I didn't recognize him, he may have been a parasitic reporter about the murder up the road.

Anyway. I moved house a few days later and I am here at the new house, just finishing telling you about this terrible devastating year, and it sounds like many people have had a bad year.

The USA have a new president and the UK are leaving the Eurpoean Union and everyone us stressed and uncertain, it hasn't been a good year for anyone. But for me it has been pure hell and there seems to be no way it can get better, the damage to me can't really be repaired.

Happy New Year.

Why church and government investigations into abuse are not adequate

There, you have missed me seriously blogging, haven't you?
I am just going to copy what I absently scribbled on my notepad this morning.

People in Government or the Church of England who investigate abuse are usually well off, comfortable, stable and always have been, as were there parents and as are their children.

They cannot and usually don't try to, see things from the perspective of a poor, vulnerable dependent child or adult. They have not lived through it and so cannot understand it.

Imagine Lady Butler-Sloss for example. She has had a good life, she likes the Church of England, she acts for them, she told a victim that she 'didn't want to give the press a Bishop' ie, the Bishop may have abused, but his status was more important than the Victim's story being heard.

Any effective inquiry really needs at least one survivor who is healed to the point where their memories or flashbacks wont affect them partaking in investigations. Any inquiry needs someone who has been through it and understands what survivors are going through.

And, of course, for an inquiry to be independent, it needs outside members of inquiry. On a personal Note, the Korris report claims to be independent when Korris was someone who carried out Church contracts and included Lady Butler-Sloss's advice, as well as the Church of England's head of Safeguarding, Elizabeth Hall, in her inquiry, hardly independent, Lady 'Dont-give-the-press-aBishop and Jane Fisher's friend and colleague Elizabeth Hall who has refused a formal complaint against Jane Fisher, also the Korris report was comiled from selected notes and emails by Jane Fisher, who is known to write emails for 'show'  and 'evidence'.
So how was the Korris report independent? It wasn't.

John Gladwin, a retired Church of England Bishop, is not independent, nor is Heather Steel, Philip Bailhahce's colleague, Lady Butler-Sloss's colleague.

So far all church report omit my views, even though the Diocese were sent my amendments to the Korris report.

And as for government Investigations, they elected Lady Butler-Sloss, who didn't want to give the press a Bishop, and who's brother was involved in preventing full and proper inquiries into CSA.

The only proper, thorough and genuine inquiries are going to be independent and include survivors. Internal investigations, even those that claim wrongly to be independent, risk protecting wrongdoers, as the church reports into my case do.

THIS IS FROM SIMON DANCZUK'S RECENT TELEGRAPH ARTICLE, IT ILLUSTRATES JUST HOW LITTLE UNDERSTANDING AUTHORITIES HAVE OF ABUSE SURVIVORS AND THE PROBLEMS THEY HAVE:

Think of the 1,400 children abused in Rotherham. They were beaten, had guns pointed at their heads, were routinely gang raped, had petrol poured over them and were threatened with being set alight. What do you think happens to these kids?

They don’t tend to end up in nice jobs, washing their cars in the suburban sunshine on a Sunday morning. They grow up angry, resentful and lost to society. The Prime Minister talks about sending in welfare squads to tackle “problem families”, but what about the lost generation that’s being created now by allowing children to be abused on an industrial level?

I’ve sat before these people and listened to their stories. I remember every one. Some have managed to turn their lives around, and these stories are inspirational. But, for most, the burden of abuse is too heavy to bear. Kids who walk through the fire of extreme abuse make very different choices to the rest of us. They end up joining the Foreign Legion, committing violent crimes, taking drugs or sleeping on the streets. When I looked at the criminal record of one victim and asked why he couldn’t stay on the straight and narrow, he told me it was safer in prison.

For most, they struggle to make relationships and the human cost is massive. “I don’t have friends, I prefer to be on my own because I don’t trust people,” one sexually abused man told me. He’d made a living over the past 20 years working with the travelling community on the margins of society. These were the only people who didn’t judge him, he said.

But talking to bosses in children’s services and the multitude of highly paid professionals running our protective agencies, you’ll never get any real understanding of the depth or complexity of the people they’re dealing with. It’s become a cold science where the hard work of gaining trust, taking a human approach and supporting people has been replaced with a detached, long-lens view. And it’s not just management that has this view. At one point last year, I made a complaint on behalf of one of the Rochdale grooming victims as a social worker kept appearing outside her house, peering through the window. Is that the “help” a survivor of sexual abuse needs?

last year's email to the police

Regarding my formal complaint of harrasment against Bishop Tim Dakin of Wolvsley Palace, Winchester, I do not know his date of Birth but he is 53.

This was my formal letter to the Diocese, informing them that I have withdrawn, the Bishop has since distressed me by making contact with me, please ensure that he is prevented from doing so again.

He needs to accept that I have withdrawn, you as the police, have a duty of care to protect me, not just to beat me up and lock me in for this same Diocese when I react to them.

Please not the date of my letter and the dates of the Bishop's email subject boxes in the screen shot, and please take this seriously.

I feel frightened and threatened by the Bishop, and always have done and am not pleased that you traced me so that he could hurt me and use me in his war on the Jersey Deanery. Please remember your duty of care and put an end to his aggression and intimidation of me.

I am not able to attend a police station as I do not want to be beaten and locked in, and I cannot phone you

Also could you ensure that the Diocese remove the defamatory 'Korris report' from internet publication as it has harmed me and is harming me as it is grossly inaccurate.

Please make it clear to the Bishop of Winchester that he has had an opportunity to talk to me, meet with me and gather evidence and he has not taken it, and thus he is never to make contact with me again.

The email below is dated 14/08.13 and he has contacted me on 16/08/13, I do not read his intimidating, aggressive and hostile messages and never will, and he is to accept that this matter is over for me. It is a travesty that you traced me so that the Bishop and his Diocese could harm me and harm the clergy in Jersey in a massive public and very very messed up 'investigation' instead of him having a quiet word with the wrongdoers and leaving me out with it, instead he has herded all the clergy in Jersey together, the innocent and the good, and publicly attacked them while threatening me, lying in the press about personally apologizing to me, and ruining me for no good reason at all.

It is vitally important that it is seen that I have been damaged for five months solid by the Bishop of Winchester and that he appears to have no intention of ceasing to harm me and no intention of helping me, and his lies about apologies, publishing of the Korris report and continued contact with me is sending me mad with distress.

I have also sent this in letter form to the Archbishop of Canterbury, who is responsible for the Bishop of Winchester's dreadful behaviour and harm to me, and also to the national safeguarding officers, who need to e aware that I am still being harmed by the Bishop of Winchester.

I will continue to make a complaint against the Diocese of Winchester until someone hears me and forces them to withdraw and stop harming me. The way the Bishop has treated me and his own clergy is a disgrace and the way I have had to see the Korris report and the untruth about an apology that I never got and have been dragged into this war for no reason at all, is unacceptable, and eventually, 

someone, the police, Archbishop or an outside agency need to step in and remove the Bishop of Winchester before he harms any more clergy or vulnerable people and there needs to be an independent enquiry into why I have been beaten and detained repeatedly and treated as if mad by the Diocese of Winchester for responding to their harm to me, especially the harm inflicted on me by Jane Fisher, who is a danger to vulnerable adults and yet still works with them, she had an abuse victim villified and put in prison and repeatedly beaten and locked up, that is safeguarding is it?

 I will never recover from what has been done to me by the police on behalf of the Diocese, but the Bishop of Winchester does not care about that, he threatened me over it, he does not care about what he is doing to me and the consequences, he is using me to make life hell for his clergy in Jersey, to no apparent aim at all, and it is time that either the Archbishop or the police stopped his mad destructive behaviour.

Bishop Dakin, Withdraw means withdraw, it does not mean go on distressing me, since you threatened me, your emails are a source of great distress and harm to me.

Your investigation is nothing to do with me, and I cannot put it strongly enough you are harming me! STOP! I do not care what you have to say, as long as those police brutalizations and detentions are on my record, as long as I am living in fear, and as long as I am treated as mad and bad and cannot rebuild my life because of the record you got me, you are not to contact me, use me, lie about me or continue to harrass me in any way! The more you harm me, the less chance I have of surviving, with the return of my M. E. asthma and tachycardia all being a result of this, you are literally putting me in danger as well as causing disruption to my life, therapy and relationships.

sincerely,

Last year's onslaught

I am diagnosed as suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, with some of the elements of this condition being very high above the clinical cut-off point on the scale, this makes it quite serious.

I have said about this that despite these serious measurements, I am in much better shape than I was 18 months to a year ago.

The depth and severity of damage to me by Jane Fisher and the former Bishop was so severe that basically it is only a miracle that I didn't commit suicide.

But the events of the past six months have sent my stress levels sky high, especially recently, and despite the best efforts of my church, support team and therapy, I am in a state of severe tension, distress and depression.

I will list some of the traumas but the list is exhaustive:

• Being traced by the police, basically this should not have happened and is inexcusable and was done to no beneficial purpose as the Diocese showed no interest in talking to me, explaining why they had set up on me through the police, or what they wanted, they subsequently never explained the enquiry.
• The fake apologies in the paper by the Bishop and Archbishop, which were never backed up by genuine personal apologies. It appears that for all their power and status, the church of england do not know what a proper apology actually is.
• The way the Archbishop blanked and blocked communication and ignored me, while he had all the time in the world for wrongdoers in Jersey who approached him.
• The way the Bishop threatened me with court orders, what court order? one that one of his employees got me for responding to her harm of me? I had no knowledge of this order, if it exists, what I do know is that I was threatened by a man who had me illegally traced by police only to blank me and threaten me, which instantly made it quite clear that the whole matter was a farce. I have not come to terms with this man, Tim Dakin, tracing and threatening me. It is a deep deep trauma.
• In the meantime I was being told by everyone else what the Dean of Jersey and his clergy had already told me previously, that the Bishop had no authority in Jersey, no authority to discipline the Dean and thus the Dean would be reinstated. The Bishop's office denied this and said that the Dean would not be reinstated without an enquiry. And what an utter nonsense that turned out to be, further harming me!
• So far I was very shocked and damage and didn't hear a word of kindness or helpfulness from the Bishop's office, it was all vague waffle, a nonsense.
• Anyway, the hate campaign against me by clergy and church leaders in Jersey kicked off in style when the Dean was suspended, supposedly just in defence of the Dean, ignoring the fact that he had done wrong, albeit years ago. I suffered and have never recovered from that hate campaign, it haunts my nightmares and has left me further traumatized and affected what little self-esteem I had, it has left me with an empty hopeless hole inside me that makes any attempt by me to put my side of things across hopeless.
• Meantime I was made aware of the 'Korris Report' by the bloggers, a report written by some lay counsellor called Jan Korris, and titled as if it was written by someone, rather than some obscure lay counsellor with few qualifications. The Korris report was an awful inaccurate, defamatory and damaging report, apparently commissioned by Jane Fisher, who grandly titled herself as 'Winchester Diocesan Safeguarding Panel', a panel that does not apparently exist, if there was a panel rather than Jane Fisher on her own, damaging vulnerable people and covering the church's back, then how come Jane Fisher alone damaged me and didn't refer to her 'panel' and was able to have the Korris report done in a way that covered up her wrongdoing and further damaged me and misled everyone.

This list will be continued tomorrow. I am stopping here because of the trauma and distress that even writing this causes me, I am in serious difficulties.

Jersey Abuse survivors

This is not a blog that I normally link to, but I will this time

http://tomgruchy.blogspot.co.uk/2014/06/jersey-care-inquiry-is-it-already.html

Please excuse me for this one off link.

I just wanted to recall something.

In Jersey and also in the UK, who have left Jersey, are victims of child abuse, maltreatment, silencing and cover ups, people who have been intimidated, branded as mad and bad, and effectively silenced.

The Jersey Comittee of Inquiry says that people are reluctant to come forward.

I know this is true.

While I was in Jersey, in 2008, I was seeing a counsellor, and she told me that clients of hers were survivors of the child abuse and cover ups and that they were afraid to come forward because of how they felt they would be treated.

And, back then I didn't grasp the full significance of what I was being told.

This was the same counsellor who told me to slap the churchwarden on the nose when he misbehaved, as she was not happy with what I was describing to her.

I know why people are afraid to speak up in Jersey, I saw my life destroyed completely and was left homeless and destitute.
On the other hand, I survived and came to a safe place and have a good home.
And I believe that enough people know about the churchwarden to prevent him even attempting to abuse again.

I feel unqualified to say anything to the survivors of Haute de la Garenne as they have been through far worse than what I have.

But, I would say, take this opportunity, if you were abused, or witnessed abuse, Jersey cannot suppress you forever, you have a right and an opportunity to speak, please do, while the opportunity is there.

I understand that people feel inimidated by the fact that the inquiry intends to publish all statements, which is dismaying. I sincerely hope that the inquiry has the sense and care for people's welfare, to redact their names.

And I understand how in a small island like Jersey, this can be very daunting, speaking up in Jersey remains a dangerous thing to do.
But eventually, people have got to overcome this suppression, and have got to make the people speaking up into a majority.
Because I believe that although the oppressors are powerful, they are, people-wise, the minority, it is their wealth and power and high profile infallibility, and how they use it, that is giving them the grip they have, the ability to silence

Ok, I do feel a bit out of my depth, but I do not want anyone to be silenced, unheard, suppressed. It was bad enough that children were made to go through what they did go through, and were threatened with things like detention in the mental hospital if they spoke up.
Things have got to change, and I am writing this from the heart.
Stand up to your enemies and watch as they start to turn and run.
You can do this. But it is your decision.

There are some good people in Jersey who blog about what has happened, and most of them are keen and able to help survivors, in confidence and with respect.

I understand that there are survivors who just want to get on with their lives, oh yes, I understand, and the inquiry should make a note of that.
three years after I left Jersey, having fought for my complaint to be heard and failed while I was in Jersey, I had gone on with my life when the Diocese publicly launched a bodged and biased investigation on me and halted my life and wrecked my life, so I can understand that some survivors and witnesses just want to go on with their lives and leave the past in the past, and not drag up injustices that should never have occured and should have been dealt with at the time, and not dealt with by threats of mental hospitals or other punishments.

As I sit here knowing how much a risk I am taking in my own battles, I know how hard it is, and I know from my former counsellor that there really are people out there who are afraid to come forward, and I know from my own case how people, known and unknown to me, have been intimidated into silence by the 'Jersey Way', Jersey people, people with evidence, don't dare speak.

If you were abused and blamed or told it was normal or part of life, or that you deserved it or it was a punishment or because someone loved you, those things were also abuse, when you are a child, someone assaulting you is never your fault, ever, it is never your fault if you are made to do sexual things, and it is never true for the abuser to blame you, ever, it is never your fault, it is them abusing their power, and if you react in anger and behave bizarrely or violently, that is because you have been abused and reacted, and anyone with knowledge of abuse will understand that and will understand that any record of your actions is linked to you being abused and reacting.

All government and states departments appear to remain ignorant of the affect of abuse on behaviour and usually villify survivors and have no understanding of why they behave as they do, which is shocking in this day and age.

But the tide must turn at some point, you can't go on calling your Island a democracy when you are unable to report what you suffered and cannot be heard and understood, something needs to change, and people need to assist that change by being brave and speaking up. All stand together, be counted be heard.

The reality for abuse survivors

Quote from Teresa Cooper on Twitter:

If the abuse doesnt kill U, the fight for justice will - Let us not forget the many survivors who fought & died fighting 4 justice

I cried when this was posted on twitter. If only it were true.

I wonder how they would like it?

I wonder how the Bishop, Archbishop or any of their staff would like it if someone or an organization burst into their lives, defaming and threatening them, and then without their consent tried to refer them for 'help'?

They wouldn't like or agree with it, but they are powerful people in a powerful Godless organization, and they would deal with it legally, whereas I am a destroyed vulnerable person who has been defenceless against this rape-like forcing and violation of my human rights.

Trying to explain to wealthy and powerful old men in the church of england the damage they are doing is really hard, because they have no idea and basically don't care, what things are like from the point of view of a poor and vulnerable person such as myself or Jesus.

'Statement' sent to the Diocese on 28/07/2013 and posted on the previous church blog

 The statement below was written for the Diocese last summer, and here I am in March, alive, in one piece, and even housed, after a fashion, but still suffering. Amazing how things have changed, my life feels completely different and my circumstances are very different but I still believe that either the stress of this horrible matter or further efforts by the Diocese, will drive me to an early grave.

Statement:

For two years I escaped, or almost escaped the Diocese of Winchester's violation of my life

Suddenly and shockingly I was traced by some police officer directly before Easter, traced under my new name and left violated and sickened, on behalf of the Diocese of Winchester

Because the Diocese had had a long habit of hurting me and having me attacked by the police, I made a complaint to the police authority for this violation by the diocese through the police, my complaint has yet to be dealt with properly.

I at the same time made queries to the Diocese, who blankly ignored me for weeks.

It was a week after this police attack by Jonathan Swift from Hampshire police that I became aware of the Dean of Jersey's suspension and the Bishop and Archbishop's fake apologies in the paper. This was because I was being bombarded with messages from people who had heard. Including an all-time useless and fake charity called MACSAS who's prying and illegal intervention in my life was much like Jane Fisher's and caused great pain in the past while I was suffering at the hands of the Diocese of Winchester.

and then I heard about the hate campaign against me by supporters of the Dean, this was lead by two people who had never met me, Philip Bailhache and Gavin Ashenden. Philip Bailhache held both church and political positions and used his political position to write a slanderous letter against me to the media, the Bishop and the Archbishop, which the Archbishop swiftly acknowledged and abided by, blocking my emails and having me treated as mad when I phoned his office. Philip Bailhache claimed he 'spoke for all Jersey people' but his media prevented the cries of protest at that from being heard. Gavin Ashenden had never met me but decided from what he knew from the Warrens and Lihous, which was their side of things and not mine, that publicly slandering me and condemning me for the Dean was acceptable and Christian. He is the one who claims that mentally ill people are demon-posessed and that it is acceptable to publicly force the demons out of them in humiliating rituals, and he is the one who loudly went on about me being mentally ill. I find it funny that the Lihous tried to force on me that forgiveness was more important than righting what was wrong when George Lihou chased and shouted at me, because it appears that I remain publicly and permenantly unforgiven over that for the sake of covering for wrongdoers.

I had to tell my church and friends what was wrong because I was in a state of collapse on receipt of the Police email on behalf of the Diocese, which I only read the first part of, which went on about the Bishop of Winchester and historic abuse and how the Bishop wanted to put me in 'local church groups' - which made me furious as I was now a Catholic, was driven out of every church in Winchester and had no intention at all of being ANYWHERE under the Diocese of Winchester's control, EVER AGAIN.

regarding previous point, how can the diocese be so blind as to think that any contact with them, any intervention and any involvement from them would ever be anything but traumatic after the way they have had me repeatedly brutalized and locked up???? It is like your rapist trying to be your friend, it is that ridiculous and humiliating and cringeworthy!

Eventually some chaplain replied with some vague and irrelevant stuff, which included denying that I was now suffering because of hatred coming from Jersey about me, disbelieving me!

So the Diocese had me traced just to fob me off and ignore me? well, no, they had me traced because once their awful badly written and unqualified Korris report was published, people in Jersey put them under pressure to trace me. The Diocese of Winchester were the same cold uncaring Diocese that they were under Scott-Joynt, new Bishop, old ways. They didn't want to know me, they didn't intend to help me, they had done this because they had no choice! and they made it very clear indeed that they didn't give a damn.

The Bishop himself never emailed me in the first month, this vague chaplain waffled on the Bishop's behalf, and he said something about being 'very very sorry in the delay' or something, and that is the only time apart from the self-glorifying 'apologies' in the paper, that the Bishop has done anything resembling an apology, and that is not a proper personal apology, it is words, he never met with me as implied and it caused me great pain when Bob Hill was told untruthfully that Bishop Dakin had met with me and Bob kept on and on asking me if it was true and when I had met with Dakin when I had not. I am furious at being used as a vessel for Bishop Dakin's lies!

Anyway, as this farcical situation continued and the news kept coming from Jersey and Wolvsley continued not to give a damn, I got to know the Jersey bloggers. Who have been the only comfort I have known apart from my friends, and even my friendships have been put under strain by this because since being traced and especially since being threatened by Bishop Tim, I have felt frightened and as if my life is paused and waiting for another beating and detention. And that is the fear that leads me to hope my life will end soon, chest pains over the last few days make me hopeful it will end before the Steele Farce is published because I have no wish to live through that.

Anyway, Bob Hill, a Jersey blogger, BEM, former MET police officer and Jersey politician, started asking me for my side of things, and talking about it has traumatized me, but I told him as best I could, and broke down when he questioned me again and again over things like the 'harrassment order' that I never got, which is to do with Jane Fisher attacking me with the police after trying to have me sectioned and leaving me on the run with my life in ruins and I never got the 'harrassment order'. But I remain traumatized for life by that, especially as that police attack by Fisher was followed by her claiming to 'offer counselling' to me through the police she attacked me with, even though no counselling would have worked at that point and the fact that she had not dealt with my complaint and had attacked me for wrongdoers and let them off the hook meant that nothing was going to help while my life was wrecked and I was broken and the wrongdoers were unpunished. So having to go over that with Bob again and again nearly killed me.

So, I continued to contact Wolvsley, puzzled as to why they seemed to have attacked my life with the police for absolutely nothing, and left me suffering. The Bishop replied through his chaplain's email address, which he always does, and this remains a very very silly and childish game of his, he replied by threatening me and I told him what I thought of him tracing me with the police only to threaten me with court orders, thus condoning the bad behaviour of Scott-Joynt, Fisher and Key, the only people who could have got me court orders, please note that I have no understanding of the police actions against me, only that I am branded mad and bad for life. I know of no court order that this Bishop who had shattered my life by having me traced could possibly have any right to either condone or threaten me with, but he did, and I saw my death clearly that day, because the only way, if this man condones the beatings and imprisonments, the only way I will escape him and his nasty little safeguarding officer who's title is a joke, and their police attacks is through death. So he took away the slight rebuild of my life that had come from two years escaped from Jane Fisher, he shattered it through the police attack and the threats and condoning of the way I had been treated and he shattered my life and heart and left me to deteriorate, as I am doing. Chest pains, chest pains, hope for death.

So, the hate campaign continued merrily, publicly and condoned by the Bishop and his threats, basically if he traced me to damn me like that after ignoring me, he was obviously happy to let me wiped out by the Jersey hate campaign, and yes, he did nothing.

Then he reinstated the Dean and said he had done nothing wrong, and he celebrated with the Dean in the press. On the Day that he reinstated the Dean, he sent me a message, not to warn me he was reinstating the Dean, and not to pass on the Dean's very very empty and vague 'apology' which didn't appear to have any content or be directed at anyone or for anything, but the Bishop contacted me that day regarding my emails to the Diocese for which he had threatened me, he contacted me regarding my emails which begged him to confirm that I would be safe from repeat violations, and the origin of my begging to be safe from violations after the police tracing of me was that Jane Fisher, both in Jersey and in Winchester on my return from Jersey in 2010, had slandered me to all churches in Winchester and then Romsey when I went there, had violated my privacy with police, social services, housing and other services, going behind my back and getting her and the Diocese side of things accross and ruining my name and leaving me raging, for which she had me attacked with the police. I was terrified and still am, that this harrassment for which I have no defence, will re-start, along with the police attacks. The Bishop did not respond to my begging for them not to intervene in my life until the day he reinstated the Dean. He replied in an email subject box saying 'no unsolicited intervention -confirmed' after I had been living in fear and begging to be assured I was safe for some time, and having been threatened.

So the Bishop forcibly violated my life and let me be shattered by his threats, the hate campaign and the clearing of the Dean of any misconduct, could things get any worse? yes.

I was spiralling downhill fast, the confidence and peace I had found in the life I was building and the gentle, steady therapy and the WRAP course that taught me to look after myself even when I was depressed or having flashbacks, was shattered and all the horror of not only everything that had happened, but also what people were saying had happened, ie the hate campaign, the awful Korris report that damages me and my character beyond repair because not only was it published as fact when it is not, but it also omitted my side and absolved jane Fisher of her behaviour to me. This ripped me apart in a way that you cannot possibly understand, I was already simply too psychologically damaged, can you begin to imagine, if you have not been traumatised too much, what something like this would do to someone?! And having to go through everything again with Bob and contact the advocate who let me be destroyed? It nearly drove me to suicide months ago. But the Bishop and Diocese coldly could not give a damn.

So, after a a very very close brush with suicide in April or May, in which I used everything I had been taught at WRAP and every atom of my strength and my loyalty to my friends in order to save my own life, the next shock was on it's way.

oh before I state the next shock, we were all made aware of the Bishop's laughable use of a PR company called Luther-Pendragon to handle this matter. The problem is, it was not just laughable but shocking, because it showed that the Bishop has no backbone but is a figurehead who cannot fight his own battles. Imagine a Bishop needing a worldly, Godless company who charge thousands of a Diocese who a few years ago had to lay off staff because of financial troubles, and this Bishop leaving a hungry and destitute abuse survivor on the streets and threatening her! Horrifying! 

So the next thing I knew was that Dame Heather Steele, a close colleague of Philip Bailhache, Richard Falle and other political and judicial figures who had been involved negatively either in my destroyal or the hate campaign, had 'approached Winchester' and 'offered to investigate', this screamed of corruption and whitewash and yet the Bishop ignored my concerns and other concerns and allowed this to proceed, but there has been a wait of months, and I hoped my objection to this conflicted investigation had been noted, but the Bishop has allowed it to go ahead. He has also licenced a member of jersey police to be involved, even though that is not ethical and my police records, which are inaccurate are presumably allowed to be accessed by Steele through this officer despite my objections, and Steele of course will not ask for my side of these inaccuracies as her aim will be to help Bailhache absolve the wrongdoers and villify me, easy done with the inaccurate records. 

So basically I am left waiting to be slaughtered and this has had a massive toll on my health.

The other side of the investigation, led by John Gladwin, would have also bypassed me if Bob Hill had not made contact with John Gladwin and made contact with John Gladwin again when John Gladwin was evasive and tried to bypass the questions about meeting with me.

A meeting did go ahead, although in 3 and a half hours I was barely able to explain to John Gladwin and Christine Daly my side of anything, it would take days for me to adequately verbalise what happened to me, and that three and a half hours appears to be all the interveiew time I will ever get with the investigation as it was done to make things appear fair after Bob pushed for an interview with John Gladwin, so with my side not adequately heard, the investigation proceeded.

John and Christine went to Jersey and were joined by a lawyer who Bob Hill described having concerns about, and who tried to tell him I was not branded by my destroyal and removal from Jersey. Bob commented to me that he did not trust this lawyer and also that John and Christine had 'let us down' and that I should not let them have my evidence as they would not necessarily be honest and might use the evidence to their own purposes and leave me let down. Well I am let down full stop, because nothing that happens now is going to help me.

I sent the Bishop 20 Questions like Bruce Willings did in the hate campaign against me, never expected an answer as the Bishop had made his stance on me very clear, he didn't give a damn, that was apparent in the threat he made and his reinstatement of the Dean with no warning to me and no attempt to pass the Dean's apology to me.

But funnily enough and probably for show, the Bishop started waffling in subject boxes, saying he would only email me on Fridays, which impressed me, if you can set clear boundaries like that then you have a chance of helping me, because you say a lot just by doing that.

But because of how damaged I now was by the Bishop, and because of my deteriorating health, I read the Bishop's subject boxes which were about how he wanted to email me and I said 'not yet' in many more words than that. But the Bishop knew he could email Bob Hill who was acting as my mediator, but Bob Hill told me that the Bishop ignored him.

The weekly requests by the Bishop to email me left me traumatized because I could anticipate his untruths about everything because of everything that had happened so far. and this wore me down and made me angry as I fell apart more and more from the strain of this nightmare that the Diocese of Winchester had launched on me from the day they attacked my new life through DC Jonathan Swift.

The Dame Steele enquiry went ahead despite protests. Dame Steele, in the very same style as everything else in this nightmare, didn't even bother to be civil or ask for my side of things or introduce herself. She tried to illegally gain access to my legal documents through my former advocate who had allowed the Diocese of Winchester to destroy me.

I was sickened to be contacted by the advocate and told this, sickened and traumatized to be contacted by the woman who had allowed the diocese to destroy me and had not defended me in any way. I was more sickened that Steele had been allowed to continue her biased investigation despite my formal complaints to the police about it being a conflict of interests and that rather than speaking to me and politely introducing herself and asking me to contact advocate Nicholl for the documents, she had attempted to illegally obtain them, which knowing her reputation and this biased investigation and the Jersey way, she will illegally obtain those same documents somehow from advocate Nicholl or another source, and I am helpless to stop her. Despite making it clear formally that I forbade this illegal action.

And at the same time, the Bishop decided that he had ahd enough of pretending to be polite and would try to force his views on me and jeer that I could 'get a friend' to read whatever smooth talk he had whipped up through Luther Pendragon, undoubtedly more smoothly veiled threats like the last time. Neither myself nor my friends will read anything or listen to anything from Bishop Dakin at any point, he had his say and gave his opinion in his threats and his reinstatement of the Dean.

Sadly it was a three-pronged attack, with a further effort from Christine Daly, after asking her and everyone else who to submit my evidence to, repeatedly, my query was ignored just as everything I have said has been ignored. She sent me an email making it clear that my query was ignored and that the investigation had proceeded without my evidence and that what little evidence they had of mine was to be picked to pieces and that I had no further say in the matter. It was already clear that this investigation was a sham. And Christine had previously caused me deep deep distress for which she hasn't apologized,  by taking a note of the EMDR therapy that my psychologist says I need and saying that she would see what could be done to enable that therapy, and then more recently sending a load of incomprehensible nonsense about the help I needed being Autism Wessex and Autism London, as if either of those were therapy or even accessible to me as neither are remotely near me and are NOT the therapy that we discussed. I apologized for my angry reaction but it was made quite clear to me through that that not a single person involved in this cares about my welfare, my distress, my needs, the impact of this on my whole life! This whole thing is like one hell of a horrible way to drive someone beyond reason and to suicide, and I am gritting my teeth and hanging on while my heart and blood pressure go mad! But I have nothing to live for, I am trapped in a limbo, waiting for this awful investigation which excludes me and my side, to conclude and kill me, the only possible outcome of something that excludes my views as the Korris report did and nearly killed me, is that I am to be ruined, I am to be destroyed, I am to be driven to death by suicide or stress or broken heart. I cannot take any more of this, the last four months have driven me to desparation and I know that the more distressed I get, the more likely I am, vulnerable and trapped by the Diocese, to be battered and locked up, which in turn is likely to stop my heart.

And remember, if the Diocese could trace me to attack my life after the Korris report, they could have traced me to include me in it instead of writing that utter rubbish that omitted Jane Fisher's destroyal of me, she is the reason I remain on the streets and that my wounds will never heal, her repeated rapes of my privacy and dignity and her attempts to have me branded insane and put away. The Diocese had my email addresses and the Korris report claims I blocked the Diocese whereas the truth is that I blocked Jane Fisher and I told her both times, in Jersey and in Winchester that I was blocking her because she traumatized me, Korris and the Diocese could have emailed me instead of printing that rubbbish that makes me want to die with shame and with outrage that fisher's back was covered and she makes herself look good while if someone better than her had been in charge then I would not be ruined and none of this would have happened. I would be in Jersey and working and sailing, whereas I live on the streets with scars nothing and no-one can heal.

I have been advised by my psychologist that the current traumatic situation means I cannot have EMDR, and even him working with me is risky because of the high levels of trauma and distress.

I am in a nightmare and cannot take any more shocks and attacks by the Diocese of Winchester. Two years after they finished destroying me is two years too late for a pretence of investigation which omits the very culprit of all the wrong, Jane Fisher, who lied, bullied, was devious, covered wrongdoers backs, blamed me, tried to 'teach me lessons' and covered for people who attacked me on  behalf of the abusers and wrongdoers, excusing them by saying I was not attacked, that I had done wrong and that people had apologized and therefore it was all ok, even though that particiular attack was done on the grounds of slander and gossip, and then Jane Fisher is responsible for the police attacks that have left me with no future, because the brutalizations and detentions scream deep deep in my soul and I will never feel safe indoors again, will never be employable again with a record like that and never be able to live with myself because of it. At age 32, my life is over, and yet I am suffering it all again because the Diocese have used it all as an excuse to launch on me and smash me to smithereens again. I was finished and as good as dead before their attack, but I was peaceful, because I felt I ahd escaped them at last.

And yet they have been allowed to use the police to attack me and violate me despite evrything and they have gone from that to leave me shaking and with chest pains and suffering flashbacks, fury, sorrow and fear, for nothing beneficial to me, just open-ended destroyal and no sign at all that I will ever escape them. It is much more likely that this kills me, and maybe police beatings and detentions will be involved, than the very remote chance that I get to walk away with no further damage, that is very remote indeed, and I can assure you I do not know what I did to deserve this, I was already fully punished in a way that I would never recover from for being autistic, being abused, being dependent, fighting back to wrong treatment and standing up to Jane Fisher's rapes of my life and privacy.

There was no need to do this to me, I would die out here anyway, probably in the winter or when I couldn't get food and my blood sugar got too low, but it would have been peaceful, being driven to my death this way is horrific.

****** - I have been forced to be called ****** again even though it is not my legal name, the one DC Swift violently ripped off me