A letter to my destroyers 11/10/2013

Dear Jane Fisher and Micheal Scott-Joynt

I do not understand and never will why you had to add to the utter destroyal of me, three years ago, Jane Fisher, Michael Scott-Joynt and Bob Key collaborated to destroy me, and I am indeed destroyed, I will never have quality of life again, and then in March you brutally traced me, threatened me, let a hate campaign be run against me and let a harmful and one-sided report that destroyed me further be published.

What hatred from people who hold positions in the church because they call themselves Christians, what hatred indeed.

I will never recover, but I uphold my complaint against Jane Fisher as you continue to leave her in a position to destroy vulnerable people for the crime of being abused and not allowing the church to sweep it under the carpet.

you are liable for gross negligence by leaving the woman who utterly destroyed an abuse complainant to go ahead and keep doing so, because there is no doubt that Jane Fisher is responsible for the Korris report and her own behaviour being omitted.

As I remember my destroyal at the hands of the Diocese of Winchester, and as I have relived it today, returning to Southampton where I arrived in my pyjamas three years ago, no bra, and only pyjamas and soft shoes, I wrote on my blog this morning, how, if I had known the year ahead of me, with jane Fisher destroying me as she did to cover her and Micheal Scott-Joynt's backs, I would have committed suicide that day.

But today I walked back down to the plane to Jersey, destroyed and suffering injustice that nothing and no-one will ever put right, destroyed for a safeguarding officer and a Bishop who hated God enough to subject me to the shame and horror of slandering me, removing me from my friends and every church I tried to worship in and having me repeatedly brutalized and locked in.

And I know that nothing I can ever do will restore my life, that record that Jane Fisher and the Bishop have given me has left living dead, and it would be kinder for God to let my life end, because nothing will ever heal this, and the seven month attack on my life by the Diocese of Winchester has been utterly unecessary, Jane Fisher and Michael Scott-Joynt, in their ruination of me, completely ensured that I will never have quality of life again, and I simply wait, either for the inevitable repeat police attacks, or death.

http://whatreallyhappenedinthechurch.blogspot.co.uk/

If you continue to leave Jane Fisher to harm vulnerable people, you are committing gross negligence.

As I celebrate alone the anniversary of my death at Jane Fisher's hands, I beg God for real death, and I beg the diocese and police to remove the woman who destroyed me and covered her back.

One day both Scott-Joynt and Fisher will have to face God and explain why they subjected a human being in their care to such horrific treatment for the sake of self interest, avoiding accountability and covering up for abusers and people who supported the abusers, and it remains to this day that there is no justice, and as long as I have a criminal record that was arranged on untruths and omission of my side of things, as long as it remains that I have no voice, the very best thing that could happen to me is death, I will never be able to work, I will never feel safe from Jane Fisher and the police, I will never be off the streets because the brutality of Jersey, Hampshire and Sussex police, who all seem to think that the insanity that Jane Fisher and Scott-Joynt claim I had meant that I needed to be violently thrown around and locked in a cell for 24 hours. 

I cannot recover, I cannot restore my life, and yet Fisher and Scott-Joynt have gone on to pretend that they are all innocent and exonorated themselves and I remain in horrific trauma.

As you who have seen my psychological report should know, I am not insane, I am severely traumatized.

And yet, I am living in fear and suffering, while the Bishop and Safeguarding officer remain in their warm homes and undoubtedly, as is the anglican way, have been able to tell themselves they are innocent.

I sense a police attack and another unjust and hushed up trial coming my way, th kind where I do not get to give my evidence because I am autistic and have spent 24 hours terrified in a cell when I suffer claustrophobia.

last year's email to the police

Regarding my formal complaint of harrasment against Bishop Tim Dakin of Wolvsley Palace, Winchester, I do not know his date of Birth but he is 53.

This was my formal letter to the Diocese, informing them that I have withdrawn, the Bishop has since distressed me by making contact with me, please ensure that he is prevented from doing so again.

He needs to accept that I have withdrawn, you as the police, have a duty of care to protect me, not just to beat me up and lock me in for this same Diocese when I react to them.

Please not the date of my letter and the dates of the Bishop's email subject boxes in the screen shot, and please take this seriously.

I feel frightened and threatened by the Bishop, and always have done and am not pleased that you traced me so that he could hurt me and use me in his war on the Jersey Deanery. Please remember your duty of care and put an end to his aggression and intimidation of me.

I am not able to attend a police station as I do not want to be beaten and locked in, and I cannot phone you

Also could you ensure that the Diocese remove the defamatory 'Korris report' from internet publication as it has harmed me and is harming me as it is grossly inaccurate.

Please make it clear to the Bishop of Winchester that he has had an opportunity to talk to me, meet with me and gather evidence and he has not taken it, and thus he is never to make contact with me again.

The email below is dated 14/08.13 and he has contacted me on 16/08/13, I do not read his intimidating, aggressive and hostile messages and never will, and he is to accept that this matter is over for me. It is a travesty that you traced me so that the Bishop and his Diocese could harm me and harm the clergy in Jersey in a massive public and very very messed up 'investigation' instead of him having a quiet word with the wrongdoers and leaving me out with it, instead he has herded all the clergy in Jersey together, the innocent and the good, and publicly attacked them while threatening me, lying in the press about personally apologizing to me, and ruining me for no good reason at all.

It is vitally important that it is seen that I have been damaged for five months solid by the Bishop of Winchester and that he appears to have no intention of ceasing to harm me and no intention of helping me, and his lies about apologies, publishing of the Korris report and continued contact with me is sending me mad with distress.

I have also sent this in letter form to the Archbishop of Canterbury, who is responsible for the Bishop of Winchester's dreadful behaviour and harm to me, and also to the national safeguarding officers, who need to e aware that I am still being harmed by the Bishop of Winchester.

I will continue to make a complaint against the Diocese of Winchester until someone hears me and forces them to withdraw and stop harming me. The way the Bishop has treated me and his own clergy is a disgrace and the way I have had to see the Korris report and the untruth about an apology that I never got and have been dragged into this war for no reason at all, is unacceptable, and eventually, 

someone, the police, Archbishop or an outside agency need to step in and remove the Bishop of Winchester before he harms any more clergy or vulnerable people and there needs to be an independent enquiry into why I have been beaten and detained repeatedly and treated as if mad by the Diocese of Winchester for responding to their harm to me, especially the harm inflicted on me by Jane Fisher, who is a danger to vulnerable adults and yet still works with them, she had an abuse victim villified and put in prison and repeatedly beaten and locked up, that is safeguarding is it?

 I will never recover from what has been done to me by the police on behalf of the Diocese, but the Bishop of Winchester does not care about that, he threatened me over it, he does not care about what he is doing to me and the consequences, he is using me to make life hell for his clergy in Jersey, to no apparent aim at all, and it is time that either the Archbishop or the police stopped his mad destructive behaviour.

Bishop Dakin, Withdraw means withdraw, it does not mean go on distressing me, since you threatened me, your emails are a source of great distress and harm to me.

Your investigation is nothing to do with me, and I cannot put it strongly enough you are harming me! STOP! I do not care what you have to say, as long as those police brutalizations and detentions are on my record, as long as I am living in fear, and as long as I am treated as mad and bad and cannot rebuild my life because of the record you got me, you are not to contact me, use me, lie about me or continue to harrass me in any way! The more you harm me, the less chance I have of surviving, with the return of my M. E. asthma and tachycardia all being a result of this, you are literally putting me in danger as well as causing disruption to my life, therapy and relationships.

sincerely,

yesses and no's, from last year, still valid

• no, the police, the church of england and anyone connected with them are not to contact me.
• yes I will go mad every time they do.
• no, there is no genuine inquiry into my complaints
• yes the diocese and their 'enquiries' are a lie.

In the end of my days in Winchester before I was driven out by Jane Fisher, I phoned the diocese many times and asked for Jane Fisher to be withdrawn from my life.

This was used against me by Jane Fisher and claimed to be harrassment.

How ridiculous is it that she was able to go on and on harming me behind my back and without my permission and yet she got me done for protesting.

And yet, the police treated me as mad and refused my complaint against her!

This is how this whole thing has been. One-sided, I have been treated as mad and bad and branded, while Fisher remains free to destroy vulnerable people.

re-post Diocese and Deanery war, posted last year.

The Diocese of Winchester burst back into my life in the most traumatic way, through the police, and at Easter of all times, when I was least able to seek help and support.

Then followed a stream of traumas, awful inaccurate press articles in Jersey and a hate campaign in Jersey, led by two people who had never even met me! Gavin Ashenden and Philip Bailhache.
Gavin Ashenden is a clergyman and Philip Bailhache is or was a church officer and on the Deanery Synod.

I find it incredible that a clergyman can cast stones at someone who he doesn't even know and still wear his dog collar, let alone call himself a Christian, what kind of example is this man setting to his flock? He was not even in Jersey when I was there, yet he has heard rumours and one side of things from Phil and Heather Warren's parent-in-law who used to be in Hampshire, and are now in Guernsey and he feels that that licences him to verbally attack me in the media and write to the church times making out that I am mentally ill and thus not believable.

Firstly where in Jesus' teaching or example did Jesus ever condemn someone he didn't know? Or condone it? He said 'let He who is without sin cast the first stone'. And Ashenden and Bailhache are far from without sin.
Secondly Gavin Ashenden, whether the enquiry believe it or not, and whether the churches and clergy in Jersey believe it or not, has demonstrated just how much a visitation in Jersey is needed, though sadly Dame Steel has been allowed to prevent a visitation and enquiry and thus nothing will ever be done.

Gavin Ashenden's example of why a visitation is needed includes his attitude to mental illness, he has no understanding of it at all and has decided, especially to the church times, that people with mental illness, a significant proportion of the population, are not valid. Which would be interesting if he or one of his clique in Jersey was ever diagnosed with depression, thus becoming 'mentally ill, he would no longer be a valid human being, in his own classification, but a drivelling condemned liar, which is how he has classified me.
He furthered his warped view of Christianity at the Grouville meeting by stating that no-one on the island would want to help me.
I wonder what he actually thinks he is doing in light of the fact that he is not only supposed to be a Christian but is also supposed to be serving Jesus. I wonder what exactly a dog collar means to these Jersey clergy, or rather, I already know, it is a comfortable, powerful and very lazy way of life, one church each, not much to do, privilages that do not exist for UK mainland clergy, lots of pomp and vip treatment at festivities and  ceremonies, a small island with much power for these very self-important clergy, but as is demonstrated over and over again, very little Christianity or compassion.

Gavin Ashenden famously did a talk at the Tuesday meeting in Church house in St. Helier, the same meeting that Robb Averty and all rabid evangelicals attend, he spoke of demon posession and how he publicly drove a demon out of a 'mentally ill woman', it is not at all surprising that Gavin Ashenden was selected by the Jersey Deanery, he joins the 'cult' or 'magic' evangelical circle which is growing in Jersey, which Jane Fisher tried to tell me did not exist, which Mark Bond told me was now the only kind of clergy that the Dean would allow into Jersey, although I do not know the truth of what Mark Bond said.

So, Gavin Ashenden condemns the mentally ill and thinks that they are the lowest of the low, unwelcome and profane, there to show off about casting demons out.
But the thing is, all through this matter, I have been labelled mentally ill by Jane Fisher, and this has been facilitated through the Korris report, and it isn't true.

Jane Fisher repeatedly and forcefully tried to have me put away as mentally ill, and repeatedly failed, because I am not.
I am not mentally well either, but I am repeatedly assessed as free from serious mental illness and deeply deeply damaged by the attempts by Jane Fisher to solve me as a problem by having me put away.

I am on the autistic spectrum, with possible reactive attachment disorder, I am severely psychologically damaged and I am diagnosed as suffering severe Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. None of these are serious mental illness, all of them are from birth, upbringing and background; and if you were to look at Gavin Ashenden or Bob key's backgrounds, you would undoubtedly find them very comfortable and with no trauma. And definitely in the case of Philip Bailhache who went to £32,000 a year private school.
So isn't it ridiculous that these people, who wear dog collars and are ordained to God, who have never wanted for anything - and wealthy background does seem to be a requirement of Church of England priests and lay workers, are condemning me, when they have never met me, in order to protect the Dean, who has done wrong, and completely forgetting why they are supposed to be there and how they got there in the first place!

Interestingly enough, Gavin Ashenden uses mental illness against me as a crime and cites the stories of Reverend Phil Warren's parent's in law, but omits the fact that Phil Warren's mother in law, Heather Warren's mother, who damaged me so much, is seriously mentally ill herself, and as well as causing me to be admitted to hospital through her actions, she used to wish Heather dead as a child. Phil and Heather Warren and Heather Warren's parents and Gavin Ashenden are all very much part of the cult evangelical clique that covers Jersey, Guernsey where the parents in law and other members of that family worship and lead churches and also the Witchurch Deanery, where both Gavin Ashenden and Heather Warren's parents previously were.
This cult element involves things like: getting children to lay hands on adults as if to heal them, controlling people through prayers, I saw a lot of this psychologically damaging practice in the Witchurch deanery and in Jersey, and a number of other psychological 'tricks' which were taught by visiting 'big figures' in evangelical circles and also apparently by things that the Warrens brought back from the states, including the psychologically controlling words 'there are Satanists in ....... (Jersey) praying for the breakup of clergy marriage. And the constant attempt to trivilise abuse and validate people by using forgiveness and accusations of lying to excuse abuse.
Jane Fisher tried to excuse all this and condemn me, much as the clergy did, she refused to take my complaint seriously or tell me that anything would be done. And she wonders why I got angry! And then the Korris report backs her up and makes me out to be insane.

Although they are trained and ordained clergy and elected officers, the clergy and church officers in Jersey seem to know nothing of the following:

• Jesus taught 'forgive others their wrongs/percieved wrongs, or God will not forgive you - the hate campaign isn't just a lack of forgiveness, it was a full blown hate campaign with slander and libel and done in a way that I had no voice to answer them, do you think clergy should be publicly attacking someone who they consider to be mentally ill? How do you think attacking someone who is ill affects them? I can tell you that attacking someone who is traumatized the way I am has done severe severe damage, and is that appropriate for clergy?
• Jesus did not discriminate or exclude, he included tax collectors, protitutes and lepers, he included Legion, who was 'insane', and he healed legion and taught him, he did not run a hate campaign and write an inventory of legion's presumed sins and display them in public as the Jersey Deanery have done to me. The clergy in Jersey would only keep company with lepers, pharisees and other minorities in order to show off, and they would only do it at arm's length.
• Jesus said 'let he who is without sin cast the first stone - obviously Gavin Ashenden, Bruce Willings and Philip Bailhache shouldn't be on this earth, they assume that they are without sin.
• Jesus said it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to get into heaven, Bob key gets is it a quarter of a million a year as well as a free house and many many free meals, Bob Key deliberately sabotaged an abuse case by being biased, and went on to call me wicked and say I wasn't abused, he had me ruined and put in prison, he was reinstated without enquiry and his clergy treat him like a hero, so the Jersey Deanery isn't much to do with Christianity is it? Bruce Willis, also a wealthy old man, who like a lot of people, especially those at the Grouville meeting, is there because of wealth and status, published blatant and libellous untruths about me in the local press, the local newspaper in Jersey is owned and run by my abuser's brother, who was also recently accused of sexual misconduct and that was quickly swept under the carpet due to his connections. And then there is Philip Bailhache, who runs the island with his brother William, together they decide who to promote or destroy, and destroy is the correct word, if anyone does anything to upset them or challenge them, people who speak out, people who rock the boat, like myself, challenging the Dean, or Stuart Syvret challenging all kinds of wrongdoing, especially to do with Haute de La Garrenne, which appears to be a sore spot with Philip Bailhache, who did not want haute de la Garenne investigated, he does not like abuse being investigated, he was opposed to Haute de la Garrenne being investigated, he was opposed to the abuse at Victoria college being dealt with, this is Senator Philip Bailhache, who was a church officer and on the Deanery Synod with my abuser. Does anyone see anything resembling Christianity in this wealth and abuse of power?

I am going to stop at this point and share with you. 

After Winchester -Winchester 2010/11 and onwards

• Can you imagine it? Losing your home and being villified twice in a row?
• Hard for many readers to imagine, because not many people go through such an endless horror, I know at least one of my readers has, several readers from Jersey have been through terrible ordeals, and I salute you for your courage.
• This is a really hard subject to write about.

• I was so badly maligned, and my life so badly interfered with in Winchester, that in the end, bewildered and broken, I had to give up and flee.
• I was tired and confused and not sure where to go, because, after Jersey, Winchester and Hampshire were my only home. I had a bit of contact with my family still, although the Jersey and diocese situation had put strain on my relationship with my family, but at the time I left Winchester it had not removed my relationship with my family.
• Also, my family, all survivors, had their own problems, and none of them lived anywhere that I called 'home' and they are not the sort of family who are equipped to help each other out, none showed any concern for my homelessness at the time.

• I didn't know how to escape from Winchester at first, several attempts led to me being maligned by Winchester homeless services and council, who in turn had accepted the defamation of me by Jane Fisher and the Scott-Joynts, so I was maligned as far away as Scotland when I fled there to try to escape Jane Fisher and the Bishop, and basically fleeing all that way only to be criminalized is no better than just staying put with what is familiar and being maligned at home in Winchester.
• At one point I was attempting to access help in Southampton, which is not the best place, as jane Fisher lives there, but nonetheless, it is a town I have known since childhood, and was close to my remaining friends and the familiarity of Winchester, but the homeless centre doctor from Winchester, who is a 'Christian' turned up at the homeless centre in Southampton, and so I fled again, and was given unhelpful reports about 'not liking the doctor' which was rubbish, I did like the doctor but I was also not prepared to go on being linked back to Winchester and the slander of me there.
• Basically no matter where I went or what I did, my privacy was violated by the defamation which came from the 'caring' diocese, who defamed and drove me out to cover their wrongdoing at my expense, and got their side of things heard, while I was cowering like a whipped dog as I was endlessly treated as if I was mad and bad.

• And my reaction to this atrocious situation simply backed up the Diocese's side of things, especially as they condemned me as mentally ill and omitted my autism and the abuse in Jersey, repeatedly.
• The Diocese stupidly and uselessly kept trying to force on me and other people, that I needed medical help, this led to my trip to Winchester CAB, where Lou Scott-Joynt worked, being invalidated, this was because instead of helping me in finding a way to protect me from the Diocese, they tried to say I needed medical help, and treated my plea for help as mental illness, and refused to help me.
• The reason all of this is so stunningly ridiculous is, that throughout my time homeless in Winchester, I was under the care of a doctor, and not once did any doctor mention or treat me as if I was mentally ill, and they didn't even ask to refer me for help.

• Firstly I was under the care of the doctor at the homeless centre in Winchester, and I had a problem with this as she told me she was a Christian who worshipped in Winchester, and secondly she did not respond properly to the fact I was having trouble walking and climbing stairs, she tested my reflexes and said they were ok so I must be ok.
• So at the time, the spine injuries, leg length sydrome, misalignments and asthma etc, were not important because my reflexes were ok - this is the story of my life with the NHS.
• The one thing the homeless doctor did do, to her eternal credit, was put a stop to a situation where I was trapped by staff at the homeless centre and threatened with police and social services involvement when I took to sleeping rough after the Diocese violated my privacy by interfering at the nightshelter where the Bishop was patron.
• I will never forget being trapped in the homeless centre, where the staff control the door locks, and being told if I insisted on going then then police and social services would be after me, I really hit the roof, and I screamed at the staff that they had no right to do this, hysterical that after my experiences in Jersey, I was to be trapped and forced on again, and again because of the Diocese.
• The Homeless Doctor came downstairs, and got the staff to pack it in and let me go, that is to her eternal credit, but that situation was another of many many traumas from Octorber 2010 to now, I am far from recovered now, especially as the diocese continue to smash me down.

• Anyway, as a result of all this, I did not feel comfortable with the homeless doctor, and I registered temporarily at another surgery, it reminded me of the surgery I had been registered at in my early 20s, grotty, long waiting times and no patient care.
• I registered at another surgery, and I have to say, they were pretty good, in general, they actually DID SOMETHING about some of my problems.

• I remember how I used to go in there afraid, as if I was going to be trapped and hurt, but they didn't do that, they were so good that I even phoned them a few times, despite my problems using a phone.
• The doctor I saw regularly was kind and helpful, she told me there was pretty much nothing available locally on the NHS for trauma and counselling, when I asked. She told me that unfortunately all that was available was that wretched Christian counselling service in Winchester, the one that didn't help me before, the one that contacted JM without my permission and got her opinionated opinion of me in my early 20s. 
• Unfortunately that Christian counselling service was all that was available in Winchester at the time, counselling would not be enough, and seeing as I had been maligned and defamed throughout the Christian network in Winchester by Jane Fisher and the Scott-Joynts, it would have been a damaging waste of time to apply, especially, and most importantly, as I knew that I was too disturbed for counselling and could not relate to a counsellor.
• But the Doctor saw me regularly and did not treat me as mentally ill, did not see me as mentally ill and did not ask or offer to refer me for help, thus the way I was turned away by places like the CAB remains henious, and a wound that will never heal, and as a result, the CAB, a place I really need to assist me at times, remains inaccesible to me because of how I was treated.
• The doctor, as I said, DID help me in other ways, she had me referred to a podiatrist for my walking, and I was found to have leg length syndrome, at last, and this leg length problem is part of what affects my tendons and ligaments, causes pain and affects how I walk, although there are other issues there.
• This doctor also diagnosed me with asthma, at last! When the asthma became more severe, but I was left alone to work out how to use the inhalers.

I will stop there and share these memories.

14 months of being publicly whipped

Because of the Bishop of Winchester's foolhardy and harmful actions, which the Archbishop incomprehensibly condones, I have suffered 14 months of having my soul destroyed and having hatred directed at me by complete strangers.
The Archbishop praises the Bishop for this, apparently thus stating that publicly destroying an abuse survivor and subjecting her to public humiliation, hatred and smears, from people who have never met her is ok.

And, considering that the Diocese consider me to be 'mentally ill' don't you think it is horrifying that they would allow this? And that the Archbishop would condone this public whipping of someone supposedly ill.

I am ill now, with the stress of 14 months of public destroyal.

I have asked the Archbishop, the Diocese, Safeguarding, the NAS, clergy abuse charities, anyone I could think of, to bring this to an end, but I have been ignored.

It is interesting that the police were prepared to brutalize me and choke me and fling me in a cell in 2011 for my distressed reaction to the diocese violating me, but here in 2014, as I continue as I did then to beg to be left alone, the police refuse to protect me, so my distressed reaction continues, leading to me being further brutalized and detained?

When is someone going to step in and end this?

That Christmas 2009

It was heading towards Christmas 2009.
I was suffering and traumatized by the police and the way I was treated in Jersey as a result of the way I had  reported the churchwarden and also Jane Fisher's nasty and senseless communications which left me in more despair than anything else.

I had made up my mind to commit suicide at Christmas and leave a letter explaining to the haters how badly being regressed to young childhood and abused and then vilified for reporting the abuse had affected me (as if they would care!).

I was very unhappy, the world was dark with no light and no-one to turn to.

But I remember being able to do something that brought light to my world as well as to others, and it is something that I just really wanted to do.

I asked my friend who went into the nursing home several times a week, presumably to teach something?
If she would get me the names of all the residents and if they preferred to be known by first names or more formally - as some older people do.
When she got me the list of names, I did a Christmas card for all 64 or so residents, because I knew that some of them wouldn't get any other cards.
I am very shy of people, afraid of people, but I know that each human being is valuable and matters, no matter what their age or state of health.

But the response to my cards surprised me, not only the residents greeting me by name and smiling and waving when I walked past, but also their families and visitors, and I received a number of cards in reply, everyone was so nice! And from that, I ended up in regular conversation with a number of people, and this led to my confidence and conversation building remarkably.

That Christmas, within the weeks up to Christmas, as I searched the internet looking at the most effective methods of suicide, I came across Maytree Sanctuary for the suicidal, and applied to go there, within the week before Christmas, I completed my self-referral to Maytree and went there for Christmas.

My journey to Maytree was disasterous, this is when the heavy snow was falling, and it looked like the plane wouldn't even leave Jersey, but it did, and when we landed at Gatwick, our plane had a good old scary skid along the runway!
Arriving at Gatwick in the heavy snow, trying to get the coach looked impossible as snow was affecting the coaches and there were no announcements and no-one could adequately explain what was going on, but thankfully I eventually got a coach, my phone was on a Jersey sim and hardly worked in the UK so I could not let Maytree know what was going on as it took hours and hours to get to London and to Maytree, I ended up in tears in a phone box trying to explain to Maytree and then eventually got to them, very upset.

I think I was tired and it was late when I got there and they made sure I had a hot drink and food before bed.

The stay there was generally pleasant, and I had my own room with ensuite, and no-one was supposed to come into my room unless they were concerned for my safety but one volunteer barged in anyway.

One of the ways Maytree helps people is through talking, and we talked a lot, there were a number of volunteers at Maytree and so I met a lot of people, but the one I found easiest to talk to was retired tube driver called R.

I came downstairs and the kitchen smelled of frying breakfast and Richard was there with the garden doors open, frying breakfast, he was great to talk to and we talked a lot, he told me about his late wife who was a beautiful Indian lady, he fell in love with her the minute he saw her, but she never wanted flowers, because she was a mechanic, she always wanted new spanners and tools :)

Maytree was great, we went looking for a turkey on Christmas eve, but they were sold out so we got a duckling, not a duck but a duckling! :) I feel bad about having eaten one of those little fluffy yellow beeping things. But I have a feeling it was a rather grown up duckling. Them beeping yellow things are too small to have the meat on them that the 'duckling' we cooked did.

It was good to have Christmas, if I had stayed in Jersey I would have had no Christmas and I would have been dead.
And, looking at what happened in the following year, maybe death would have been better, although I would have missed out on my awesome experience of sleeping rough if I had died.
(and I still believe this church matter may kill me yet).

So time at Maytree was spend relaxing, talking, enjoying good food and drink and lots of Christmas cake, it was all good.
I went for walks, and was surprised that there in the dirty, dog-messy streets, everyone said 'good morning' and 'Happy Christmas', I went into a Catholic church one day and lit candles, asked Philip LeClaire what the difference between the red and blue candles was and got no response.
But there was a notice in church that eternally amused me.
It read:

'Please note, the heating is off due to a leek in the pipes'

I couldn't help wondering how the leek got there and why they couldn't fish it out :)

Anyway, on Christmas Day, I went to the morning service at a local Church of England/Charismatic church, a pretty young lady from Maytree came with me, it was incredibly funny how, after the service, all the Charismatic men came up to us and started chatting with her and ignoring me, she was not a Christian but had offered to accompany me for support and safety. The men really liked chatting to her, they hardly said hello to me! :)
I wrote an amused letter to the church and told them I had enjoyed the service and been amused by the men's keenness on my companion, they wrote a friendly letter in reply, saying I was always welcome to drop in.
One of the lovely parts of the service was when they let a net of balloons down from the roof, the children ran riot!

Anyway, before I left Maytree, the person in charge met with me and talked with me about my strengths and plans for the future, I found that empowering, but lost the letter when I had to leave Jersey, and Maytree wouldn't let me have another copy.

The problem with Maytree, excellent as they were, the communication wasn't good, and before I went, a woman tried to get me to fill in a questionaire that even she didn't understand, and it included asking me if I was an abuser, apparently, but she didn't know or wasn't clear what the questions meant and I was left very upset. She then said that it didn't matter anyway and I didn't need to fill it in. That was awful, it was intrusive and distressing and undid some of the good by stressing me.

I left Maytree and sadly, walked into terrible football crowds on the underground and was trapped and panicked.
Thankfully a member of tube staff rescued me and got me back to Central London, and I headed for Hampshire to my friends (who the diocese have since taken from me).

I arrived back in Jersey feeling refreshed and determined to move forward positively, Jane Fisher had temporarily shut up, or so it seemed, as I had written to Scott-Joynt just before Christmas, as I expected to be dead in the new year and wanted him to know that Fisher had been bullying me and making life hell.
The Korris report claims Scott-Joynt wrote to me, he did not, he didn't have my address, of course at that stage I wasn't going to tell anyone in the Church where I lived, life was hell enough in the community because I was shunned.

So I resumed life and was surprised by the curate who had been so rude and snappy before Christmas -when her cousin comitted suicide.
She really wanted to be in contact and see me, I was surprised, so I took her a load of firewood logs.

I had no idea that we were at the start of Jane Fisher using her further to harm me.
One of Fisher's greatest triumphs against me was the way she wrecked a safe and healing relationship and used that curate against me in the most terrible and damaging way and also brought the dean into it, again, as she continued to do, leaving me with no safe and private church relationships and help, it is a deep wound.

So this was 2010 now, the beginning of the end as I continued to be damaged by the church of england.

Anything and everything

Good morning,
This blog has rested for some time as I am too ill to do much with it.

I was just researching spiritual abuse yesterday when I came across this site, it is a bit more extreme than Battered Sheep Ministries http://www.wickedshepherds.com/index.html

I should say something about Good Friday and Easter. But I can't think of anything, I went to communion last night but I don't feel well enough to go to any service today.

I have very little memory of Good Friday, I remember vaguely, helping with the Easter Garden at JM's church, and the big showing off that the Lihous and their church used to do, which was more about them than Jesus. I have no other recollection of Good Friday. Although I believe last Good Friday, the Diocese were crucifying me, and I expected the same again, last year I had pneumonia and this year I have a chest infection.

Funny how things change. Last year homeless but blissfully happy in my community until the Diocese wrecked my world, this year I am housed, sitting in bed sick and wishing I could be back a year ago and happy.
I kind of knew indoors would leave me sick and despairing, that's why I stayed out there.

A Question for the Diocese

How many other abuse survivors will you or have you launched on and left maligned and smeared and having to use media such as this to defend themselves and tell their true story after defamatory reports and smear campaigns leave them ruined and misrepresented?

What you did was not safeguarding or anything to do with it, it was a very badly failed PR stunt.
You have inflicted terrible damage on me for no reason, I may have a temper, but I also have conditions, and have been in circumstances that influence/ed that.

I think what you have done is terrible, it has injured me terribly and was the most foolhardy and aimless and dangerous action that could possibly have been taken, and I remain suffering the consequences every day, and if you further the damage with more reports that omit me, you will either increase my suffering or kill me.

Jersey revisited -Korris omissions and inaccuracies, continued

I guess now that I have busted the miffs about what happened before I came to Jersey.
I had better start on Jersey stuff.
This is tricky, because trauma still wipes out my memory of Jersey, and there are so many documents and emails that it is difficult to know where to start.
I guess I had better start with a statement I just found while looking through files.
It appears to be a reaction to the Korris report, answering some of the inaccuracies:

EY and the church:
Sometimes people came into the room when Ey was hugging me alone but nothing was done, he was not discouraged.
One time I was a bit embarrassed because EY was hugging me deeply alone in the store room downstairs from the church hall and a lady came in, she looked at us funny but said nothing.
Nothing was said to me by anyone in church but EY told me that people 'were talking' about him and me, which prompted me to go and see the Vicar, and EY later told me that he had spoken to the Vicar and told him there was nothing to worry about.
The church were aware of things like EY taking me sailing and EY taking me from church to an empty Romerils warehouse after church. (EY worked for Romerils). He told me he had been warned at work for his tactility. EY was making something at the warehouse. He spoke to me in an inappropriate way while we were sailing, inappropriate as in sexually. And at the warehouse he got me to talk about being sexually abused in the past.
No-one in church ever intervened in Ey hugging me, and he would reach out for me and take my hand while in conversation with me.
**** **** told me that it came up in investigation into Ey's behaviour with me that EY had been wrongly involved with another female, who was in England.

'Moving from church to church:
With finding a church, the reason I moved church was to get away from Jane Fisher and the Dean and/or other people because they caused me to be unwelcome, Jane Fisher probably tries to make out that the grapevine was not working against me, but it was, and **** ***** recounted to me how I was branded and I was humiliated.  every time my church was influenced, I could not be part of the congregation and in the end it was blatantly Jane Fisher and the Bishop who drove me from St. Clements and Tracy and interfered at St. ********, and by the time I was at there, I had already lost my life in that three weeks when I fled to England to escape Jane Fisher and Tracy's attempt to have me sectioned -which is omitted from the Korris report. I was already ruined by the time I arrived at St. ******** church.

Jane Fisher:
I say again, I was not clear on what Jane Fisher wanted, or was doing, she was rude and unhelpful, vague and making things out to be different to how they were. I did not understand her or what she was doing, I was not made clear that my complaint had been taken seriously at ANY POINT, and if I had been then I might have been less angry and not tried to make the Dean see that he had done wrong. The whole situation might have been better if the Bishop had withdrawn Jane Fisher from contact with me as I asked repeatedly for years and got someone helpful and clear to help me. I did not understand Jane Fisher, and I said so, she is barely literate and uses a spellchecker that turns her words American and she doesn't even make sense in what she says and writes and she can be very nasty and apparently get away with it.

As far as I know, I did not involve anyone who was 'innocent' in my emails, I sent emails cc people who had rejected me or been involved, withdrawn pastoral care and help with no notice and no reason and people who were obviously involved in the matter or had treated me unfairly due to what they had heard. I felt condemned by these people and I wanted my side heard. I also sent the complaints to other people on the Diocese list because I was not being heard, getting no response from the Bishop and I would not deal with Jane Fisher and her coldness and denials. I blocked her in the spring of 2009 and only unblocked her in 2010 because Tracy wanted me to communicate with her.

In the end the fact that I could not get away from Jane Fisher and the Dean was causing me severe distress, I wanted to worship where I would not be slandered and where people would not warn against me behind my back. The Dean was blatantly allowed to know where I worshipped and Jane Fisher said so in an email of hers that I have.

Abuse of good nature?
The Korris report seems to be based on what Jane Fisher has on record, and omits my side of what happened with George and Jill Lihou and the M's, Jane Fisher never asked for my side and was not interested. I did briefly try to describe it all, immediately after Bob Key called me wicked and used the Lihous and the M's as an example, again without my side of things having been known to him but briefly and to the Bishop and Jane Fisher who did not care about my side and do not seem to have recorded it for the Korris report.

The fact is and was that the Lihous and M's had their own problems and own histories of problems, their involvement with me was not healthy, but I feel very much scapegoated by the use of them against me and Jane Fisher appears not to have taken my side of things on board. They are not villified as I have been either, again reinforcing the continued brand by the Diocese of Winchester that I am worse than an abuser.

Comments about me abusing hospitality or good nature or something? Again, this is the Lihous and M's or the hypochondriac couple, and I should not have been judged on this while my side was not heard or reported on. The M's have not been shamed and slandered in the press recentlyfor what they did to F's daughter and then to me, so why am I being shamed? The Lihous are not being shamed for Jill's mental illness that meant she wanted her daughter to die or be injured for years and for claiming she was my carer and having me put on a medicine that caused me to be admitted to hospital, so why am I shamed for reacting to them? Jan Korris considers the whole matter to be me 'abusing people's good nature' and has not interviewed me and included my views. She has acted on Jane Fisher's behalf instead.

Jane Fisher:
What makes me very angry is that Jane Fisher has been excused her slander of me and interference in my life when I returned to the mainland by making out it was about 'making the clergy in Winchester aware of me so that safe boundaries were set' and something about ensuring that nothing more than spiritual support was offered'.
Rubbish, what a terrible cover-up for a terrible terrible inflicting of damage by Fisher and Wolvlsey on top of what I had suffered in Jersey!


Basically what happened was that Jane Fisher did not give me a second chance and a chance to rebuild my life, she had given me a bad name in Winchester, behind my back, I was not told that everyone had been 'warned' about me. But I was shouted at by a vicar and I overheard myself being talked about in a terrible way by people in one church, they were not aware that I had been abused, not aware of my side of things and not even aware that I was autistic, they made me out to be trouble, to be someone who just swore and shouted. The woman in question was not a priest, she was an assistant in a church that I tried to belong to, and one of the priests, who had previously been friendly when I lived in Winchester, refused to speak to me or even look at me. Nor was this slander that covered the Bishop and Diocese's backs limited to the Anglican church in Winchester, it went through every church, just as it did in Jersey.

I was condemned, I had not escaped from Jane Fisher. And I pleaded with the diocese to bring justice and to stop interfering.
Jane Fisher also completely violated me with contact with the homeless services, instead of me being able to be me and be someone who was suffering because of what had happened. I was someone who had been bad, and I was refused access to a women's refuge in a very humiliating way as a result, and that was just one of many humiliations. That Jan Korris excuses and omits, so that it looks like it was all innocent and with good intentions.
The Korris report is not just defamatory but shields a very very dangerous safeguarding official who has the power unsupervised, so drive a vulnerable person to their death rather than see wrongdoers openly seen for what they are.

Diocese intervention:
The homeless shelter manager was unhelpful when I told her I was frightened because of the noise and intimidation in the shelter, she had heard about me, so I wasn't allowed to be me and be frightened and hurt. I was bad.

The support worker linked to the nightshelter who initially was helping me confirmed to me that the Diocese had contacted the nightshelter, I was furious and violated, but she tried to make it ok by telling me that they wanted to know what church I was at so they could 'help' me, so far the diocese's 'help' had damaged me beyond repair and left me driven out of churches.  The support worker appears to have been warned off helping me once she had told me and I made the homeless services aware that I knew, and she would hurry in the opposite direction when she saw me, despite me having not said or done anything bad or abusive to her.

I was left ashamed and violated and unable to be part of the community in Winchester as I had been in previous years. I even used another name to try and be safe but it didn't work in Winchester because people knew me and I knew them. Winchester was my home town from age 17.
I was left with only the addicts and alcoholics for company as they had no care for what the church had to say, but I wondered why the church didn't slander and shame them, why I was slandered and shamed and left unable to hold my head up, while the Diocese claimed this was helping me when I had been so hurt by the church.
I was driven from the daycentre, having left the nightshelter early on, The daycentre tried to threaten and force me back into the nightshelter, as they were in close contact, and I went mad with distress and they failed to force me back but I never trusted them again. and the Diocese continued to involve themselves against me through these authorities, so I had the 'criminal record' thrown back in my face all the time and was not allowed to be me or be good.
Trying to escape the Diocese.
I tried to get away from the diocese by going further afield in Hampshire and failed, and as I was being forced out of Winchester by the intervention of the Diocese which meant I felt unable to access any services or any churches, and the diocese had made contact with all my dear old friends and violated me and left me shamed in front of my friends, I started moving round the country to get away and fled Winchester altogether.
Jane Fisher did not at any time have my permission to be involved in my case with the homeless services and the data protection act has been breached many times in this matter.

The Diocese may claim to have been trying to help by giving their side of things to churches and homeless services but in fact what they did was drive me from housing services and support services that I was trying to co--operate with, prevent me from being part of a church and shamed me to the churches and basically were as unchristian as possible in giving their opinion, which left me shamed and isolated and eventually as a long-term rough sleeper, unable to feel safe in a church or engage with anyone who tried to help me.

Being trapped:
As a result of a set-up situation in Winchester, where a woman who was friends with the Bishop and his wife and Jane Fisher did not tell me she was friends with them but invited me to live at herhouse and was in contact about me, I have since felt unable to trust anyone who reaches out to me.
The woman took me home, seemingly innocently and unknowing of who I was, invited me to stay, left me alone with £70 for the washing machine repair man the day after she invited me to stay (I guessed she knew from somewhere that I was honest with money) - which aroused my suspicion, as did the phonecalls that she cut off when I came into the room.
But never told me she was connected to Jane Fisher and the Bishop until something that Lou scott-Joynt said to me made me realise and I confronted this woman on Christmas eve. Not aggressively.
The woman went on about how she would always be friends with the Bishop and I wouldn't change that, I said that I wanted the Bishop and Jane Fisher to stop interfering and making me out to be mentally ill and because I was very upset, this woman replied that I was making it look like they were right.
She said that Jane Fisher had said I would react like this.

I was furious, because from the start, Jane Fisher had gone behind my back, never had I actually been included in the picture of me that was painted to people, and if I had actually been included in any of the arrangements about me, instead of me being effectively slandered to the churches and people, then things may well have been more successful. But it wasn't about me, it was about protecting the diocese.
I think anyone would be angry to find out that they had been arranged behind their back by the people who destroyed them, set up, and I was being told by this woman that I was acting as if I was mentally ill when I reacted.

I decided to leave the house, and this woman tried forcibly to stop me by trapping me in the bedroom that she had allocated to me, (she had told me that I would move to an attic room after Christmas). she told me that I was the one who was causing the problem - this is despite the fact that I had been misled by her because I had not been made aware that she was acting for Jane Fisher and the Bishop and influenced by them (which would probably be denied).
And I was physically having to fight to get away from her.
I had a lot of luggage. Which included presents from friends and goodies I had got to share with the rough sleepers on Christmas day and presents I had got for this woman. I had to leave a lot of that behind. And it was later apparently taken to the homeless daycentre which I no longer attended, taken by Jane Fisher, and an attempt was made by her and the staff there to contact me through a homeless friend, and I abandoned that friendship in distress and disgust at the violation.

Anyway, I escaped from this woman, who was trying to stop me, and I ran up the road with no shoes on, and the ground was covered in ice and snow, I was screaming with distress. I phoned Jane Fisher and the Bishop and begged and begged to be left alone. Jane Fisher later used these phonecalls against me in court in Sussex in 2011, claiming I repeatedly phoned her on Christmas eve and Christmas day, but she apparently ommitted the reason that I did this as it was not read out in court.
I was desparate to get away from the Diocese and to stop them interfering.
It is omitted from the Korris report how Fisher and Scott-Joynt liased and attempted to have me put away in Sussex as a result of me continuing to fight them to undo the injustice and bad name they gave me and deal with my complaint.

Returning from Jersey to Winchester to a continued nightmare.
I came back to Winchester in October 2010 unaware that I was already given a bad name in Winchester and unaware that I would not be able to join a church and be a proper part of the congregation and receive pastoral care for the wounds I had from Jersey, unaware that I would not be able to make friends and naturally build relationships, unaware that I was to lose my long-term friends and in a repeat of what happened in Jersey, be shamed in the community so that I couldn't hold my head up.
While my abusers were never subjected to such appalling and demoralizing treatment! And because they are not vulnerable, lone or disabled, the diocese couldn't treat them like that even if they wanted to, but the diocese focussed on ruining and maligning me, not my abusers.

And the effect of what happened meant I fled Winchester but was left unable to trust churches and church people and rebuffing help and getting distressed and suspicious when people managed to help me, leaving me fulfilling the Diocese's opinion of me.
But not completely.

People who slipped under the Diocesan radar and befriended me:
Among all the nightmare situation in Winchester, a couple approached and befriended me, and it is thanks to them I didn't commit suicide, they saved my life with their words and friendship and despite attempts at intervention by the Diocese and people connected to the Diocese, which included Lou Scott-Joynt trying to get me to give her this couple's surname and attempts by people in the homeless services to speak to this couple,but this couple were real Christians and I was able to keep this friendship, although I had to ask this couple to keep our continued friendship a secret, and in the years between 2011 and 2013 I was in contact with them in strict secrecy and they agreed not to discuss me or let anyone know that they were in contact with me. This is what kept that friendship, it was kept away from intervention and influence by the Diocese. And, as my former healthy friendships were, it has remained healthy because this couple are not using me to meet their own unmet needs, they have boundaries and need space and so do I, my problems occur when people get over-involved and have problems of their own - described in the Korris report as me abusing people's good nature or hospitality or something.

My friends who slipped under the radar in what the Diocese did that would have otherwise left me unable to develop relationships in any church in Winchester and not aware of why, the Diocese did all this behind my back and yet claimed to be helping me. I was an object to the Diocese, no feelings, no needs, just to be who and what they said I was in order to protect themselves, and the Bishop said to me during the time I was in Winchester that I was to blame for what happened , and I cannot think of anything further from safeguarding than that, them protecting themselves and blaming me. In fact I would have been extremely open to any predator in the Winchester Deanery as a result of being talked about, because it made me defenceless, I had a bad name and a bad record and would have had no-one to turn to if I had been abused.
( I have felt very vulnerable on the streets because I know if I am abused I cannot report it because of the way I have been treated by the Diocese and the police) basically anyone can rape me but I cannot report it.

This was highlighted by the police's attitude when I intercepted a call from Lou Scott-Joynt to one of my friends about me immediately after my arrival back in Winchester. I went to the police and begged the Diocese to be made to leave me alone, but to no avail and I was basically treated as if I was mad, and nothing was done as far as I know. Basically, even in this day and age, disabled and vulnerable people remain poweless against abuse in the church, we are 'mad' for repeatedly standing up and speaking, and those of us who cannot or dare not speak are basically there to be used in any way the powerful in the church want to use us.
Disabled and vulnerable people are also constantly treated very badly by the police, and since the Korris report came out, I have heard of hundreds of cases of police brutality and injustice, and the police are never called to account.

Taking my friends off me:
My friends who befriended me during this time back in Winchester (in February 2011), and who the Diocese did not manage to take off me, despite Lou Scott-Joynt asking me for their surname and despite certain people speaking to them about me, are prepared to make a statement about how they see me. They are aware of my temper when I am frightened and frustrated and can also confirm how I have asked them to keep our friendship secret in order to protect me and them from further intervention but they can give an account of the real me, who is not described very well in the Korris report, which seems to be based on Jane Fisher's records, and Jane Fisher was never a friend of mine. Fisher has gone out of her way to destroy, demoralise and defame me, all while pretending to care.
(A statement was made by my friend on my behalf last year).

The safeguarding that left me unable to get help:
What the Diocese did with their intervention in Winchester on my return from Jersey was get their side accross and leave me isolated and a permenant rough sleeper who was unable to trust anyone, especially the churches, where I should have felt safe, forgiven and included. They did not allow me another chance in my life after destroying me and I have struggled to trust and allow people to help me since then.
Right now I am expecting arrest at Jane Fisher's hands again, and am unable to access medical help or homeless outreach for fear of being traced. Even though all of this comes from the Korris report which covers Jane Fisher's back and which meant I have been traced and left yet again at the mercy of diocese and police, which is why I am writing this, because I am being driven mad by this crazy report and fear of church and police, I wasn't provoking them when they traced me, I was beaten, not fighting back any more.

The diocese may make my perception out to be distorted, but I know what I experienced and was on the receiving end of and they have a bias in order to make out that they were only doing the right thing.

Report and friends:
The report fails to mention my happy and succesful relationships that were long term and were only detroyed as a result of all that happened in the end in Jersey and the Diocese's intervention when I returned to the UK mainland. It just mentions me 'abusing people's good nature' and gives no details and none of my side of things. No allowance is made for the psychological side of why I didn't bond well with the people I am deemed to have abused, and no understanding is given of the politics of the church in a wealthy diocese and the attitude of the consistently well off people I encountered who did not understand me in poverty and disability.
Basically I feel damned as bad, left in danger, and that report seems to cover up for other people who hurt me, especially Jane Fisher.

Escape from the Diocese:

since escpaing from the Diocese of Winchester in 2011. I have been living in fear of their continued intervention which hurt me so much and changed my name to try and escape them, but I remained traumatized and unable to trust anyone or deal with conflict, so I continued to struggle and be vulnerable. I was a mess, I was a mess who was trying to stay away from homeless services and interventions that would cause me to be traced by the Diocese or the homeless services in Winchester or the police.
Being traced by the police recently was a huge shock and made me feel that I had spent two years in hiding in vain and was now going to be back under the Diocese's intervention and police attacks for reacting. I was horrified that the cycle of police and diocese intervention was going to start occuring again and rip my life apart, and as far as I know, it still might. The Diocse have refused to reassure me that they will not intervene in my life again and tried to make out I have requested for them to stop contacting me, not that I have requested for them to stop intervening.

Peadophile cover up in L:
The report mentions me being unforgiving about an 'organist' in my former parish being convicted of peadophilia. The whole account is innaccurate. The man convicted was a youth leader - of the youth group that I both belonged to and assisted with, he led the services that myself and other youth helped to run, he worked closely with us, and he was also on the mission support committee that I was part of. He had made me feel small about some of my ideas on the mission support team in the past, but he had also said things about his relationship with a vulnerable child before that caused me concern, but no-one else in church seemed worried about him. The incident where he worried me was when he talked about one of his frequent trips to Romania to the church and talked about how he was bathing a young girl, alone. No one else seemed to pick up on this but there were obvious concerns that he had committed misconduct there when it all came to light in the end.

The problem was, in the end, not my unforgiveness but my shock. And not just towards him. I was shocked because I didn't know at the time how the church of England hushes things up, and they tried to hush this up, and as well as seeming to be unaware that this man had previously been warned about inappropriate touching of children, and had continued letting him be involved, they were 'keeping it quiet' that he had been arrested.
But because I was friends with and in contact with a number of churchwardens and readers and people who held positions in the church, I heard and overheard and was told what had happened.

I was shocked and went to JM, who was my friend as well as being the Vicar in the Benefice even though she had hurt me and was hurting me. I went to her in shock because I had worked and worshipped alongside this man in the Benefice for so long. JM once again let me down with her attitude, she claimed I was unforgiving - this was immediately after I had heard the news and who does forgive a betrayal like this instantly?! JM told me that we were all judged by God and that I would be judged by God the same as this man because of my Asperger Syndrome, basically I interpreted that as that I was as bad as a peadophile who collects child pornography as this man did because I was disabled, I challenged JM on this but was left with no clarification nor did she withdraw this statement.

I was shocked, horrified and never actually able to get anyone to help me with this, it was a trauma. JM went on to say that the man's abused adopted son had forgiven him so who was I to hold a grudge?. She refused to acknowledge that actually I was horrified and traumatized that someone I had known and worked with in church and eaten meals with and helped at events with had done something to hurt children he had been trusted with, that he had not only done this to children in the school where he worked as a special needs teacher with children with learning difficulties, but according to my friend, he was possibly wanted on similar charges relating to the orphanage in Romania. But JM wanted me to be quiet about it, just as she had said to me about FM's (her husband's) misconduct to me and to FM's own daughter, she said it was my word (and the daughter's word) against FM, and she wanted both matters silenced and out of mind. The way the church hushed this up horrified me almost as much as the actual things that had happened.
JM always took the attitude that abuse victims are whingers and abusers are just victims themselves, which she did in this case.

This was an incident among many that caused tensions and problems between me and JM but I gather that this is where I am described as 'abusing her good nature' in the Korris report.
I did not object to the peadophile being re-integrated back into the church community, I expressed shock that I would not know how to relate to him but when I heard he was coming on the benefice walk I decided I would relate to him as normal as part of the group. However, this must have been where the diocese intervened and he did not come on the walk, nor was openly heard of again in the benefice, just my friends sometimes said they were going to see him and told me about some woodwork he was doing. His wife remained in the church community and close to some of my circle of friends who were also her friends, I related to her as normally as I could or did and felt very sad for her and as shy of her as I was previously and never mentioned her husband or what he had done.

Another thing that horrified me, and I wonder if you can see why, is that people in the benefice, friends of mine, though I broke off that relationship, wrote in support of this man saying he was a 'good man really', if someone abuses disabled and orphaned children while making out to be helping them, then they are not a 'good man really', abuse affects someone for the rest of their life, and it was the most vulnerable people who were abused, so that man is not a good man really. That is not to say that with time to get over the shock I did not forgive this man. But the account given totally misrepresents the situation and also leaves out the huge background situation of me and JM, which I gather is referred to as me abusing her good nature. The repeat of me going through some of what JM's stepdaughter went through is omitted completely. The stepdaughter was kept a secret from the community.

The Korris report wrongly portrays me being unforgiving of an organist who was convicted of peadophilia, what I have written above is a more accurate portrayal of that whole situation.
What has scarred me and damaged my faith in the church, which as a body that supposedly follows Christ, should have integrity and transparancy, and yet covered this matter up and condemned me for my shock and for knowing about this matter when I should not have done, as none of the main body of the congregation who did not hold positions in church were supposed to know and those who did hold positions were supposed to keep it quiet.

Very few people I have known in that extremely wealthy benefice and indeed in the very wealthy diocese of Winchester have experienced abuse, they are not vulnerable people, and I was usually in a minority in the churches, disabled, poor, no family, an easy target and no one was able to empathise with me because they did not know what it was like to be vulnerable in those ways. But Korris claims that it was me abusing their good nature.  But she does that with no input from me about what I suffered at the hands of the church of england in my 10 dreadful years as a member.
Nor does she speak of the good side of my church relationships or the work I did for the church, it is a biased and unbalanced report.

Jane Fisher's meeting

Jane Fisher, who never dealt with my complaint and rubbished me. Had an obsession with trying to get me into a meeting.
The problem was, she was told no, over and over again because of her scorn and rubbishing of me.

But she didn't give up, because she is spoilt and thinks she can always get her way, so she trashed helpful mentoring relationships to try and get me into this meeting.
She repeatedly tried to use Philip LeClaire to force this meeting on me, despite me telling him that he was not to act on behalf of the diocese while working with me, not to set things up  for them, not to communicate with them about me, etc.
Sadly my privacy there was ignored and confidences breached, hence me not trusting Philip.

Tracy was also used repeatedly as a mouthpiece for Fisher, which again, broke my trust for her, and she was used to try and get this meeting, which I refused.
Fisher even tried to get me into this meeting with Tracy there as my 'friend'.
Tracy ceased to be anything good or trustworthy for me the day Fisher got her claws in.

The question is, why did Fisher rip through my personal life to try and force a meeting on me about my abuser, when she had done nothing about my abuser? And still hasn't.

The Apologist 2

To all and anyone who I have ever offended or distressed, I am sorry.

I do not pick fights, am not violent, I do react to how people treat me.
And sometimes I vastly overreact.
Behind my anger is pain and fear.
I do not know why you hurt me, I am afraid because I have been hurt.
I do not understand why I am always to blame, always the one who is sorry.

Over and over again I know that abuse and abuse of trust are not my fault, but when I apologize for my reaction, I do not get an apology in reply.
I carry the burden of every burst of anger, every cross word I have uttered,
but the consistent thing about neurotypical people is that they don't carry what they have done to me,
they don't apologize and they do not take responsibility,
I am eaten up with shame, every day of my life,
but no-one else ever is.

It is funny, well not really, but it makes me long to be 'normal'
and shrug off my wrongs and pass them on to someone else.

The Diocese has put me in the centre of the Circus and whipped me for my anger
but that has not cured me,
if anything it has made me worse
more angry and more guilt and shame ridden,
but I am not violent
do not intend anger and do not see fights
I react

and as yet,
in the ongoing stress of the situation
there is no hope of curing my tendency to lash out
because the stress is preventing healing
and my anger comes from wounds

I guess information like this means that the Jersey Deanery are nearing their triumph and I am about to be destroyed by the reports that omit my views

Ian's blog http://therightofreply.blogspot.co.uk/2014/02/200000-pissed-up-wall-in-church-debacle.html

Judged

To me, every day that this Winchester and Jersey farce goes on, waiting for reports to be published without my side of things, I am on trial, judged and condemned with no voice and no representation.
It makes what would otherwise be a calm basic life, very painful and difficult.
I carry all the guilt and shame of my anger anyway, why do they think publicly flogging me helps?

Three emails sent to Jane Fisher and Bishop Scott-Jonyt at the beginning of January 2011, graphic content, don't read if easily offended, I was being driven mad by their violations of my rights and privacy

withdraw Jane Fisher from harming me,
what you have done to me in your lack of duty of care and allowing fisher to spit on me in the first place,
what you have done in taking my life from me on behalf of wrong doers and judging this matter unjustly
is more than enough to ensure that I will never recover

You dont need to attack me through fisher and keep harming me
you dont need to send me lying emails

you do need to withdraw fisher or I will get her done for harassment or ensure a restraining order on her
I do not want to livethe remains of this difficult and distrssing life
being punched in the face by people who fisher manipulates to do so,
it is horrifying

no matter how you yap about helping me
you do not and cannot help me or even pretend to,
you are the ones who destoyed me
horribly
and each intervention from you
drives me further from society
wounds me further

what you are doing to me in intervening
is like a man kidnapping a woman
chaining her to a bed and raping her repeatedly
that is how vile and horrific what you are doing to me is
while I cannot escape.
no matter what you or your insurers and lawyers think
you are not helping me and cannot
and I am reasonably asking you to withdraw

just to add, imagine that man telling the woman he is raping that he is doing it for her benefit, and that sums up exactly what the diocese of winchester have and are doing to me.
because of the diocese interventions I will be on the streets for the rest of my life, and currently without food or money, I have no friends or support services to turn to as the diocese has violated all of these, and now I am ill, this would be a good time for someone to say 'why dont we leave her alone?' and give me a yes or no, will you withdraw or does it have to be legal action?

The only reasons I can think of for you to continue these attacks it to try and drive me to despair and attempted suicide as you did before, so you can try and have me locked up again,
try and drive me mad with anger and pain as before so you can have me convicted again,
try and drive me to a complete breakdown so that I become incapable,
what you are doing to me is horrifying and is very frightening to me,
I am going to continue to ask, through the police and the court and the church and everyone possible,
for Jane Fisher to be withdrawn from intervening in my life,
I am terrified of a future like a minefield of Jane Fisher interventions.
you are only lying to yourselves when you make out that what you have done and are doing is anything to do with helping me.

please let me know that fisher will be withdrawn.

As you may have noticed, I am not writing much at the moment, just because I am tired, got tired from writing, unable to break through the trauma to write some of it, and also had other things going on in life that I need to sort out.
I wish I could have some sort of assurance, after all this time that the Diocese of Winchester wont suddenly come back into my life and harm me again, that assurance would be the very most helpful thing for me.
Then I could focus on the rebuild that is taking so much energy.

I will do a little memories post later, fractured memories of Jersey while I cannot write the more traumatic things.

The ranks

I wonder how the commenter on the needle blog knows how effective the diocese of Winchester is and how they can back up their claims? INTERESTING isn't it? :)
See my previous post about how they could claim that or why.

I had an interesting conversation the other evening. Sometimes I have to explain to people why I am a fugitive who can't go to a doctor or claim housing benefit and thus live with ill health and poverty, because the Diocese managed to have me traced through the police last year and wrecked my life, and thus I daren't go on record as being anywhere in case they and the police abuse their power in order to attack and ruin me again, because I cannot withstand much more of it.
Anyway, in this conversation, these people worked out it was the church of england wrecking my life, and said they knew how the wealthy older people who form a majority of the running of the Church of england can close ranks and block justice and close someone out.
It is always refreshing to know someone understands, and always surprising how many people understand.

Those within the church cannot see themselves and see how out of touch and archaic they are, they remind me of the clergyman in Tess of the d'Urbervilles, who would not allow the dead baby a decent burial because he was illegitimate. The Church of England hasn't changed much, and that appalling cover up for the Dean in Jersey, and that appalling smear campaign against me by people like Bruce Willing, who showed no sign of knowing what Christianity or humility are, shows how little the Church of England has changed.

That desparate and unfounded claim that the Diocese of Winchester's safeguarding is good, sounds so like Jane Fisher, and sadly she, or whoever wrote it, cannot back it up because it is not the case, she has left other people suffering in the last year and that is a claim that can be substantiated, and I can back up my case that the Diocese are lacking in adequate safeguarding, I would describe the counterclaim against my comment as 'desparate'.

I am also aware though, that the more the Diocese provoke me, the more I answer, the more they go to the police with half-truths, untruths, omissions of what they did illegally and against my human rights to provoke me and the police act only for the diocese and treat me as insane even though all mental health statements say otherwise, and thus the diocese remain with a free reign to destroy me and I have no defence, am not allowed to defend myself and suffer massive psychological harm.

So, I think that because of this, the commenter on the Needle blog against my comment, has made an unfounded comment that they cannot back up, a diocese that has a traumatized abuse victim repeatedly brutalized and locked up and given a record while they continue to employ the abusers, a diocese that continues to provoke the victim by violating their human rights and being untruthful about them, slandering them and driving them from their community and repeatedly trying to have them put away as they are autistic and screaming in distress at seeing their whole life ruined for the sake of a diocese and safeguarding officer who has protected abusers for the sake of the church's reputation and yet refuses stop harming the victim, this diocese that ruined me for being disabled and abused in a church where they employed a known abuser and allowed him to 'adopt' me and take me home, this diocese is NOT A GOOD DIOCESE FOR SAFEGUARDING.

an open letter to Jane Fisher, Micheal-Scott-Joynt and the Diocese of Winchester

I do not understand and never will why you had to add to the utter destroyal of me, three years ago, Jane Fisher, Michael Scott-Joynt and Bob Key collaborated to destroy me, and I am indeed destroyed, I will never have quality of life again, and then in March you brutally traced me, threatened me, let a hate campaign be run against me and let a harmful and one-sided report that destroyed me further be published.

What hatred from people who hold positions in the church because they call themselves Christians, what hatred indeed.

I will never recover, but I uphold my complaint against Jane Fisher as you continue to leave her in a position to destroy vulnerable people for the crime of being abused and not allowing the church to sweep it under the carpet.

you are liable for gross negligence by leaving the woman who utterly destroyed an abuse complainant to go ahead and keep doing so, because there is no doubt that Jane Fisher is responsible for the Korris report and her own behaviour being omitted.

As I remember my destroyal at the hands of the Diocese of Winchester, and as I have relived it today, returning to Southampton where I arrived in my pyjamas three years ago, no bra, and only pyjamas and soft shoes, I wrote on my blog this morning, how, if I had known the year ahead of me, with jane Fisher destroying me as she did to cover her and Micheal Scott-Joynt's backs, I would have committed suicide that day.

But today I walked back down to the plane to Jersey, destroyed and suffering injustice that nothing and no-one will ever put right, destroyed for a safeguarding officer and a Bishop who hated God enough to subject me to the shame and horror of slandering me, removing me from my friends and every church I tried to worship in and having me repeatedly brutalized and locked in.

And I know that nothing I can ever do will restore my life, that record that Jane Fisher and the Bishop have given me has left living dead, and it would be kinder for God to let my life end, because nothing will ever heal this, and the seven month attack on my life by the Diocese of Winchester has been utterly unecessary, Jane Fisher and Michael Scott-Joynt, in their ruination of me, completely ensured that I will never have quality of life again, and I simply wait, either for the inevitable repeat police attacks, or death.

http://whatreallyhappenedinthechurch.blogspot.co.uk/

If you continue to leave Jane Fisher to harm vulnerable people, you are committing gross negligence.

As I celebrate alone the anniversary of my death at Jane Fisher's hands, I beg God for real death, and I beg the diocese and police to remove the woman who destroyed me and covered her back.

One day both Scott-Joynt and Fisher will have to face God and explain why they subjected a human being in their care to such horrific treatment for the sake of self interest, avoiding accountability and covering up for abusers and people who supported the abusers, and it remains to this day that there is no justice, and as long as I have a criminal record that was arranged on untruths and omission of my side of things, as long as it remains that I have no voice, the very best thing that could happen to me is death, I will never be able to work, I will never feel safe from Jane Fisher and the police, I will never be off the streets because the brutality of Jersey, Hampshire and Sussex police, who all seem to think that the insanity that Jane Fisher and Scott-Joynt claim I had meant that I needed to be violently thrown around and locked in a cell for 24 hours. 

I cannot recover, I cannot restore my life, and yet Fisher and Scott-Joynt have gone on to pretend that they are all innocent and exonorated themselves and I remain in horrific trauma.

As you who have seen my psychological report should know, I am not insane, I am severely traumatized.

And yet, I am living in fear and suffering, while the Bishop and Safeguarding officer remain in their warm homes and undoubtedly, as is the anglican way, have been able to tell themselves they are innocent.

I sense a police attack and another unjust and hushed up trial coming my way, th kind where I do not get to give my evidence because I am autistic and have spent 24 hours terrified in a cell when I suffer claustrophobia.

email to Hampshire constabulary cc the Bishop (who uses his chaplain's email address) when the Bishop made contact after I formally withdrew from the charade of an investigation (please note, I keep being dragged back into this farce investigation, and yet my evidence isn't being taken and I am not going to give evidence to anyone who is conflicted)

Regarding my formal complaint of harrasment against Bishop Tim Dakin of Wolvsley Palace, Winchester, I do not know his date of Birth but he is 53.

This was my formal letter to the Diocese, informing them that I have withdrawn, the Bishop has since distressed me by making contact with me, please ensure that he is prevented from doing so again.

He needs to accept that I have withdrawn, you as the police, have a duty of care to protect me, not just to beat me up and lock me in for this same Diocese when I react to them.

Please not the date of my letter and the dates of the Bishop's email subject boxes in the screen shot, and please take this seriously.

I feel frightened and threatened by the Bishop, and always have done and am not pleased that you traced me so that he could hurt me and use me in his war on the Jersey Deanery. Please remember your duty of care and put an end to his aggression and intimidation of me.

I am not able to attend a police station as I do not want to be beaten and locked in, and I cannot phone you

Also could you ensure that the Diocese remove the defamatory 'Korris report' from internet publication as it has harmed me and is harming me as it is grossly inaccurate.

Please make it clear to the Bishop of Winchester that he has had an opportunity to talk to me, meet with me and gather evidence and he has not taken it, and thus he is never to make contact with me again.

The email below is dated 14/08.13 and he has contacted me on 16/08/13, I do not read his intimidating, aggressive and hostile messages and never will, and he is to accept that this matter is over for me. It is a travesty that you traced me so that the Bishop and his Diocese could harm me and harm the clergy in Jersey in a massive public and very very messed up 'investigation' instead of him having a quiet word with the wrongdoers and leaving me out with it, instead he has herded all the clergy in Jersey together, the innocent and the good, and publicly attacked them while threatening me, lying in the press about personally apologizing to me, and ruining me for no good reason at all.

It is vitally important that it is seen that I have been damaged for five months solid by the Bishop of Winchester and that he appears to have no intention of ceasing to harm me and no intention of helping me, and his lies about apologies, publishing of the Korris report and continued contact with me is sending me mad with distress.

I have also sent this in letter form to the Archbishop of Canterbury, who is responsible for the Bishop of Winchester's dreadful behaviour and harm to me, and also to the national safeguarding officers, who need to e aware that I am still being harmed by the Bishop of Winchester.

I will continue to make a complaint against the Diocese of Winchester until someone hears me and forces them to withdraw and stop harming me. The way the Bishop has treated me and his own clergy is a disgrace and the way I have had to see the Korris report and the untruth about an apology that I never got and have been dragged into this war for no reason at all, is unacceptable, and eventually, 

someone, the police, Archbishop or an outside agency need to step in and remove the Bishop of Winchester before he harms any more clergy or vulnerable people and there needs to be an independent enquiry into why I have been beaten and detained repeatedly and treated as if mad by the Diocese of Winchester for responding to their harm to me, especially the harm inflicted on me by Jane Fisher, who is a danger to vulnerable adults and yet still works with them, she had an abuse victim villified and put in prison and repeatedly beaten and locked up, that is safeguarding is it?

 I will never recover from what has been done to me by the police on behalf of the Diocese, but the Bishop of Winchester does not care about that, he threatened me over it, he does not care about what he is doing to me and the consequences, he is using me to make life hell for his clergy in Jersey, to no apparent aim at all, and it is time that either the Archbishop or the police stopped his mad destructive behaviour.

Bishop Dakin, Withdraw means withdraw, it does not mean go on distressing me, since you threatened me, your emails are a source of great distress and harm to me.

Your investigation is nothing to do with me, and I cannot put it strongly enough you are harming me! STOP! I do not care what you have to say, as long as those police brutalizations and detentions are on my record, as long as I am living in fear, and as long as I am treated as mad and bad and cannot rebuild my life because of the record you got me, you are not to contact me, use me, lie about me or continue to harrass me in any way! The more you harm me, the less chance I have of surviving, with the return of my M. E. asthma and tachycardia all being a result of this, you are literally putting me in danger as well as causing disruption to my life, therapy and relationships.

sincerely,