The Churchwarden

Available on Lulu and shortly also on Amazon and other booksellers.

The Churchwarden.

http://www.lulu.com/shop/jj-nortyperson/the-churchwarden-book1/paperback/product-23011906.html

http://www.lulu.com/shop/jj-nortyperson/the-churchwarden-book1/ebook/product-23011890.html

Evil? Or misguided?

For example, did Bailhache know, that I was egged on to do certain things and was told that they were legal, for example writing notices and sticking them to St. Andrews church or the churchwarden's house or re-directing spammers to spam the churchwarden, I was told that these were legal and that the churchwarden's unrepentance and arrogance deserved them, however I never did some other suggestions, such as weedkilling the churchwarden's garden or even worse suggestions.

The notices on the church were designed to help the church who had closed ranks against me in support of the churchwarden, to understand my side of things.
It is incredible that even then, at that late stage, I still thought that the church were Christians.

The notices and letters I wrote and stuck on the church and house were mainly not dated, and I have no doubt that the deanery have abused that, because they claim that the reason the Dean saw the churchwarden first was because I was harassing the churchwarden.
No, the churchwarden and his wife were slandering me to the church they had segregated me in, and throughout the church community where they were prominent figures, this made me an outcast in a small island community and left me deeply hurt, and more so when Jane Fisher covered up by denying that it ever happened. I was answering back to what the churchwarden was doing. And had the Dean received both complaints, it would still not have made sense for him to deal with both at the same time and also it didn't make sense that he saw the churchwarden first, as the chruchwarden was a known offender, who had been allowed to take me in, be alone with me even in the church and even when people witnessed inappropriate behaviour.

The churchwarden had deliberately separated me from the church coming between me and other friendly church members, telling them that I was his responsibility and they were to keep their distance. I still didn't know at the time that this is exactly what abusers do.

And worse, this is also what some abusers do. While I was with the churchwarden, as I deteriorated, he and his wife told other people of my distress, in their own terms, to get sympathy, making my distress out to be my disability and not my reaction to what was going on.

Philip Bailhache makes the situation out to be a happy family one, but it was never that.
The churchwarden for some reason wanted a daughter, he didn't pay any attention to his infant grandaughter, he wanted a daughter, and his wife didn't, she made that clear and said so, and called me a burden, I had already been belittled so much by people in the church of england who have no understanding of poverty, disability or vulnerability.

The damage to me was not just sexual abuse by psychological abuse, being told I was 'daughter' but kept from the rest of the family, and left out of family occasions, belittled by the churchwarden's wife and regressed to childhood by the churchwarden and made to talk about rape and other sexual things while he touched me or sat me on his knees.
Then I spoke up, and had Juliet Montague phoning me up, trying to tell me it was my problem because I went to the churchwarden's workplace - she failed to also mention that I always did so at his request, or in the end, when I wanted him to face and resolve what had been going on. And again, that is typical church of england closing ranks, and if the press ever actually heard the extent of this closing ranks, which is not mentioned in ANY report, then it would make a story.


Obviously neither Bailhache nor the Dean nor the former Bishop and his wife, nor Jane Fisher, and certainly not Juliet Montague, understand abuse and it's effects, they have focussed only on blaming and smearing me, covering up and omitting my side from any investigation, and none of what you read above, is included in the Steel report, so how can the report be anything other than a whitewash.  Back to Juliet, her denial of abuse and defence of wrongdoers was consistent through the time I knew her, she made her step-daughter out to be a liar, although that girl could not have ended up in the shocking state she did without being abused, and she defended Malcolm Eastlake at my expense, making me out to be as bad as him, a paedophile, for being on the autistic spectrum, the depths of church of England ignorance and outright wrongdoing is astounding, but it is all blithely axplained away in the Korris report at my expense, so what is the point of these reports? They show, to those who know, that the church is in the dark ages, and to those whop do not know or who are as ignorant as the church, the church is making the impression of caring and doing the right thing.

And as I say, time and time again, what happens to the voiceless, who cannot write as I do? Well they don't get deported in their pyjamas and then slandered and driven from their home town, destitute and branded for life, but they also never get heard by the church or get justice, the only victims I know who have been heard in the media and through speaking out as I do, are Theresa Cooper and Eli Ward, who are both scarred for life by the abuse they suffered and the injustice they faced from the church as a result.

The Dean's recent behaviour in demanding publication of the report does not show a man with a clean conscience, it shows a man who has got his own way in hijacking a report and is smug about it, he calls Dame Steel a 'respected Jersey Judge', well she isn't respected except by her close colleagues Bridget Shaw, the wife of the Rector of St. Clements, and Philip and William Bailhache and Michael Birt, all part of the Dean's church and circle, and the fact that they are in judiciary and in the church doesn't mean that they are good or honest, and in this day and age, people should know that.

So, what of my abuser now? Last I heard, he nd his wife had invited a female visitor from the Town Church home, as he know attends the Town Church and was applying to be warden there, I wasn't his first female guest, and I wouldn't be the last, of course, but he is well established and looked after by Bob Key's church, while Bob Key demands his report, and not a single member of the church will forgive what I did as the result of trauma, but instead try to blanket defame and shame me for their version of my past.
Isn't it time the church started taking my story instead of upholding this? Ah, but Jane Fisher openly upheld it, blamed me for an attack on me by a Jersey priest, based on 'what he had heard' from St. Andrews, and tried to do the same as the Dean and Deanery in lumping my past, or their version, and upheld them in it.

This is what Bailhache refers to as me 'Making complaints in Guernsey and Hampshire' Which I didn't, Jill and George Lihou are the parents in law of the priest who attacked me on grounds of 'what he had heard' and Jill and George are church members who lived in Hampshire but moved to Guernsey, they made my life hell and I never made a complaint about them, ever, the Jersey Deanery, with the help of the priest who attacked me, brought them into the Jersey matter while I was still in Jersey, to strengthen the case for the churchwarden who they were defending, and to take away my credibility, basically what has happened in the last few years with the Jersey Deanery slandering and libelling me is only what was happening in Jersey when I was there, and if you think of it that way, then you can see how neither Fisher nor Korris were credible in rubbishing my distress as paranoia.

On the subject of Fisher, when this matter is properly investigated, which both Fisher and the Deanery hope has been permenantly prevented, someone needs to ask Fisher which 'Jersey Politician' she was boasting about meeting with about me: Bailhache? LeMarquand? Or numerous other conflicted church-states-judiciary-freemasons?

The fact remains that I was not just 'punished' for reacting to the terrible damage to me in Jersey, I was destroyed, and Jane Fisher and Scott-Joynt went all-out to destroy me again when I returned to Winchester, not a scrap of integrity or compassion, they publicly, in front of my old friends, in my home town, destroyed me, and I nearly died, but I saved my own life, and remain crippled, and then the church have destroyed me over again.

The Church of England, as well as being without safeguarding, without care, and without understanding, are without forgiveness, and have spent two years destroying me again and making me live in fear, now how much more wrong than my traumatized actions, are theirs, from their places of power and wealth and stability, when they have never suffered abuse and do not know in the slightest or care, about the ongoing damage done to me? How can I forgive myself? When I am publicly flogged indefinitely, for reacting to years of harm by the church? This matter  isn't hurting a single other person, no one else has even been or seemingly even will be, disciplined, reprimanded, or even enlightened to my side of things.

What I have written and what I can write, and even the 20 hours of tape recordings, does not tell the full story, and so I am waiting for an inquiry that includes me.

HG

The Church are keeping very quiet about...

'Savile had ties with Calderdale. He often used to visit St John’s Church, Cragg Vale, for which he raised thousands of pounds, and was an honorary church warden. He was a popular figure in the Calder Valley right up until his death. In the 1970s he had a caravan parked outside the Hinchliffe Arms Cragg Vale..'

Which may be one of the reasons why Butler is so keen to hijack the national CSA inquiry, and why the Church have already got through two National CSA inquiry chairs, Woolf and Butler-Sloss, and will probably elect the next one very soon. Will it be Heather Steel?
The church of england have made such a loud noise about safeguarding but as they continue to destroy me, there is no sign that they even know what safeguarding means, and their noise and their excuse for tampering with historic files is only to prevent outside inquiry and mislead people into thinking all is well in the church.

http://www.achurchnearyou.com/cragg-vale-st-john-the-baptist-in-the-wilderness/

As yet, no-one has ever mentioned this link, the church are keeping very quiet while making such a huge pretence of caring about abuse and victims, all while destroying me for my abusers,
The situation in Jersey is that big powerful men like Savile are getting what they want and killing a silenced victim.

Here is the 'Jersey Synod's 'demand'

And isn't it funny how, after their complete failure to act in a Christian way, including dishonesty, they think it would be 'Christian' to destroy me by having their dishonest and conflicted report published.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-jersey-30972876

The Walk of a Thousand MEN, arrogance and lack of safeguarding

My experience of 'ThroughFaithMissions' and their 'walkofaThousandMen' goes back a long and miserable way, to long before Jersey.

Long before Jersey I had to listen to some stuffy, arrogant old man rambling about nothing at a dinner party in his honour because he was from the 'Walk of a thousand men'.
Not a lot to do with God, I decided at the time, more to do with ego, old windbag going on about himself but with nothing to say.

I met another of these 'men', at a BBQ, he was called Jeffrey and he waffled and windbagged too. He told me that he would ' always know when I needed help and would pray for me then', ok, so the 'Walk of a thousand men is about clairvoyance as well as male ego and arrogance and showing off.

So, long before I met this arrogance in Jersey, I knew what these 'Thousand Men' were, arrogant, empty male chauvenists with high opinions of themselves and chrystal balls (haha).
I could feel the emptiness of them, and how their God was arrogance and showing off and the buzz they got from using their version of God to access people and manipulate their emotions.

I remember in Jersey how they did a 'Men's breakfast', I think if only men matter to these empty people, they should go and live in the third world, where life is still that narrow and arrogant.

Anyway, this guy, Dan Cozens, was going on about how he was made a member of some 'order' 'because the church wanted to keep him as priest', well, firstly, Jesus didn't preach anything about 'orders', that is more of a pharasee thing, and such boasting has no place in Christianity.
If the church want to keep arrogant and empty men as priests, and give them an 'order' to boast about, then  they are lost. Thinking of that empty boastful man, I am reminded very strongly of Peter Ould, it all seems to be about extending what is between their legs rather than anything to do with God.

it reminds me of the sermon 'What is Church all about? What word shall I preach on today that has three letters, is the foundation of the church and has three letters including G and O?
EGO.

Anyway, they ran this exclusive mission in Jersey, where they went round forcing themselves on people by cold calling at people's houses, my abuser was very much leading this, even though he was supposed to be supervised, in fact during the mission week, he had a lot of access to vulnerable people, but, when I asked to help with the mission, I was excluded, it's not for the poor and disabled, it is selective.

The Churchwarden was always going on about this man, Dan Cozens, in the same way as he went on about the Dean, as if he was a superstar, as if every word he said was true, which is how false Gods and idols are created. But apparently this same man, Dan Cozens, and his organization, allowed the churchwarden to access vulnerable young women on 'Walk Cumbria' and talk to them about sex, this was despite the fact that he should have been aware of the churchwarden's history, especially as he was closely allied with the churchwarden's church and did a previous mission in Jersey with the churchwarden championing it.

I feel sorry for anyone duped by these falsehood walks and their false God. EGO and GOD are not the same thing. There is nothing in the God that they force on vulnerable people, no love, no safeguarding, just emptiness, as in the cult churches in Jersey, it's a buzz, it's a kick and it does draw in people who are vulnerable or going through bad times, because of that, but in the centre is emptiness, no genuine care, and blaming of people who are 'not good enough' in one way or another for this cult movement.

So, again the abuser was given access to vulnerable people, at this cult mission that I was unwelcome at, and I didn't really like church being invaded by this cult movement, 'the walk of a thousand men', because that church was already full of cult and chauvenism, why magnify it and dupe people that this was to do with God?

It was on the 'advice of one of these empty-hearted cult men, who had never met me, that the churchwarden tried to 'put guidelines on me' after discussing me detrimentally with the churchwarden and Vicar behind my back.
The empty hearted cult man from the 'walk of a thousand men' was Dan Cozen's right hand man, Jonathan Mortimer, I don't think he had a soul, he was so empty.

I made it clear to the churchwarden just as I did to Fisher and Scott-Joynt later, that you cannot put guidelines on someone for their reaction to what you are doing to hurt them. You have to take responsibility for yourself first.

This is when I first really spoke up about the abuse, and no one contacted me about it, instead they 'advised' the churchwarden and his wife.

In every way, as well as being arrogant, empty, chavenistic and a cult, 'The Walk of a Thousand Men' doesn't just ignore safegaurding it has repeatedly upheld and enabled an abuser to access vulnerable people, in the case of the churchwarden, and who knows how many other cases similar.

Pray that we may be rescued from weird and wicked people - 2 Thessalonians 3:2

St Clement November 2008-March 2009 part 1

• My new home was a lot safer in some ways than previous lodgings, my landlord was an amiable man.
•  
• The place was a flat in a block of flats and I had a small darkish room which never warmed up, I am not someone who gets cold easily but I had to sleep fully clothed and I still never warmed up, I used to lie there shaking with cold, it is the first and only time I have struggled to keep warm. I think the damp made the cold so bad.
•  The room was on a wall that never saw the sun. 

• But apart from that I was happy in my new home, I felt safe with my live-in landlord and I enjoyed watching comedy films with him and was also happy that I was a few minutes walk from one of my favourite beaches. 
• I tried hard to avoid my ex-adoptive parents and push them out of my mind, but they put themselves on my mind, showing off in the newspapers and going on the radio representing the church and broadcasting that they remained in positions of authority
•  I was angry, and more angry with the diocese and deanery for the way they had treated me and supported the adoptive parents and condemned me and left the adoptive parents in a position to make themselves out to be innocent and me to be a troublemaker.

• my relationship with the church was damaged and I was shunned in the island community and excluded and I felt small, ashamed and useless, especially as JM continued to be allowed to give her opinion, she had always given a damaging opinion of me and she had always been accepting of abuse and abusers and hostile to victims, whether this was conscious or not. 
• To live on a small island where you are at odds with people because of something serious, when you are hurt, traumatized and on the autistic spectrum, it is unbearable and I could not cope.

• The police decided that instead of having a meeting with me and Philip or the social worker, they would send me the results of the abuse enquiry by email, as well as telling me to leave my poor abuser alone because I continued to respond to the way I was shunned and maligned in the community by being angry with him, basically the police treated me like dirt and I responded to that with anger and distress.
• The police responded by liasing with Philip and my landlord to trick me and trap me and beat me and lock me in a cell as punishment for reporting my abuser for abuse, welcome to the Jersey way! 
• The resulting breakdown is something that, to this day, I have not recovered from, and I remember shaking and shaking for days and not really knowing where I was or what was going on, the police who brutalized me did so for no reason at all, just the Jersey way, and that was just the start of it.

• I was in distress and in pain when I lost control of my car and crashed, and I don’t know that I was fully lucid either, it may be that I shouldn’t have been driving at that point.
• It was coming up to Christmas and the Centenier wanted to conduct the inquiry into the crash on Christmas eve! Of all things.
• Thankfully the autism man stepped in and asked them to bring the enquiry forward for my sake and they did.
• I was given a written penalty that just said I had caused an accident or something, it didn’t mean I had points on my licence or anything because they don’t have those in Jersey. But nonetheless I didn't really understand it, any more than I understood anything the police said.

• But for me, everything was terrible, nothing had been done about my adoptive Dad, I had been in trouble instead and I had very little quality of life in Jersey because of what had happened and I was full of bad memories and hurt, and the diocese seemed completely disinterested in doing anything about the situation.
• I didn’t recover well from the accident even thought the hospital said I was ok, I fell a few times, one time was a full faint and I was sick and the other time I fell and hurt my arm badly. Mentally I didn’t recover and I kept reliving the crash over and over and even in my sleep I could feel the impact.
•  
• Christmas was tough, my friend Anne who was now fairly disabled by cancer, invited me to go and stay with her and her family for Christmas and I asked if she was sure she was up to having me to stay. Anne assured me that she was, and so I agreed to come to the mainland for Christmas.

• But sadly I managed to hear some unkind whispers of other people who said I shouldn’t be at Anne’s for Christmas and that I had been untruthful about the car crash, which was less than funny because my car was a write-off.
• Christmas was spoiled and I felt guilty about being at Anne's and pretty much suicidal because life was so bad and I knew I could not afford another car and so finding work was going to be even harder, I had been doing Christmas temp work in warehouses in Jersey but that finished at Christmas and I did not know what I would do for a living after Christmas.

England September -November 2008 the emergency break from Jersey

• One thing to point out at this point is that the social worker was only involved in the abuse case, she was not 'my social worker', I continued to live my own life.
• Back to the story, I made my way to England with my car, I went on the clipper overnight to Portsmouth and I felt very lost and alone, but I felt sure I would return to Jersey, somehow, the only problem being that I had no home to come back to in Jersey and would have to, somehow, find another room before I returned, Philip LeClaire said he would help, and it turned out that he did.
• This was almost 2 years before I was deported.
• I do not believe that the Korris rubbish ever mentioned this emergency break from Jersey.

• I arrived in England shell-shocked and bewildered, very very very damaged by what had happened with my adoptive parents, and I tried to settle in the house I was lodging in, I had warned them all along that I would have to return to Jersey and this was temporary and I would have to leave and they said they were ok with this. I had to return to Jersey to make statements to the police among other things.
• But life was not the same even back in England, there was no temp work because all the agencies were overwhelmed by people who needed jobs and second jobs and it was soul destroying and fruitless trying to find work, I did not have the communication skills, I no longer had the confidence in myself and I was a broken person. Work was not forthcoming and neither were benefits, applying for benefits led to nothing and I was without any income.

• But the worst thing was that my friends at the time, who I thought would be my friends forever were aware that things were wrong and didn't know what to do. I needed them but I couldn't relate to them because I was so hurt and it was all a mess. But the worst thing was that JM and FM who had hurt me and abused me themselves were in contact with and in alliance with the adoptive parents and their supporting clergy in Jersey and JM treated me like dirt and this nearly led to me committing suicide.

• I kept myself alive, but you cannot imagine the distress. I also managed to get myself a job at Domino's Pizza, delivery driving, which is what I used which is what I used to do, but I was deeply deeply traumatized and distressed and I spent every night of my delivery driving reliving the horror and hating myself for reacting to the abuse. I was barely making ends meet with the delivery driving but I did manage to pay the first month's rent on the lodgings even if I wasn't eating well.

• One night I was out working when a woman reversed her brother's company car into my car when I was doing a delivery, she tried to blame me for parking where I was parked even though I was parked legally and legitimately and she had simply reversed without looking in her mirrors or behind her.
• My car was dented and I was shocked. But my bosses didn't let me stop work, instead I was sent to that same road where the incident had happened, miles from the shop, three times over to do deliveries because someone else on the team kept messing up. I was a wreck at the end of the night.

• I decided I needed to go back to Jersey, and the police were waiting to question me about my adoptive dad.
• I told the couple that I was lodging with that I had to go back, they were upset and said they had expected me to stay longer and told me I was the perfect tenant (which was nice of them), I reminded them that I had said it was temporary and they said they had expected it to be less temporary, they told me I was the perfect lodger and would I change my mind? 
• My sister was also upset at me, but she said she would pay the rent for the month and I could owe her the money, as I was short of money and had to pay the whole expensive month's rent even though I was leaving two weeks into the month.
•  
• There were no easy ways of doing things. It was all stressful and upsetting.
• The police interviews started before I went back to live in Jersey, I arranged to view a room and go to an interview in Jersey on the same day
• The interview was incredibly painful in that I had to recall everything, and knew it was real, my adoptive dad had made me into his little girl and behaved crudely and sexually. It broke my heart again that my 'Daddy' who I had trusted, my family who I had looked a lifetime for and who had said they were that God-given family had hurt me so much.
• The interview was done in a house with cameras, it was done in a way that people with special needs are interviewed by the police, and I remembered that I hadn't really felt that I was special needs before my adoptive parents had been so blatant and hurtful about my disability.
•  
• But then I went with the autism man to meet the prospective new landlord, and it turned out that the prospective landlord was an old army colleague of the autism man and so the whole process was easy and I accepted the room and made arrangements to move in, returning to England to collect my things with mixed feelings, joy at returning to Jersey and dread of being on the island with the church and the former adoptive parents being as they were, still broken and confused and in pain.
• but I had to go back, I was suffering waiting to make police statements while in this strange bewildering situation where I no longer belonged in Hampshire with my old friends, it felt like I was in a strange limbo, not belonging anywhere, not Hampshire and not Jersey. I needed to end the limbo as it was almost as bad as being in Jersey being jeered by my abuser who was well backed up both by the island churches and by JM.

St. Helier 2008 final chapter

The blog gets almost too traumatic to write at this point.

Shell Garden St. Aubin

• In the UK with my volatile family, my sister shouting at me and threatening to throw me out of the car because I told her not to worry about something and she shouted that I wasn't to tell her what to do, my family were their usual selves.
• My Dad was awake while I was there, after being unconscious for some time, he was lucid too, so we got to speak to him, but my mum was shrieking that the hospital were trying to murder him, which I don't believe because deliberate murder by hospital staff is rare, people usually die from hospital infections instead.
• My Mum, because of her mental illness had not called an ambulance, and had instead left my dad collapsed. My brother found him, and tried to help him and called an ambulance, by then the stroke had completed it's damaging work. And yet, my mum accused the hospital of trying to murder my Dad!

• I returned to Jersey in a bit of a state, here I was with my Dad sick, my family as disturbed as ever, and in Jersey, the relationship with my 'Adoptive' family deteriorating.
• I had believed the churchwarden when he said I was their 'God-sent daughter', and as ever, I was left responsible for the mess, while these people, just as others in the church had, were not taking responsibility for their actions or commitments, I mean, you cannot just adopt and unadopt people to suit you.
• If you say to someone vulnerable that they are a part of your family, you have to honour that, and make sure it is all clear and known to people, you shouldn't make a commitment like that unless you know what you are doing and are capable of seeing it through.
• The churchwarden later claimed that he was 'doing therapy' on me, and tried to explain the sexual element away as 'therapy' and 'healing me', but what father does such healing on his daughter?
• Anyway, it was one day when I had gone on trying to resolve the issues and I went to the churchwarden's workplace as he used to encourage me to do, and because I did not want to upset his wife, and I wanted to know what to do about the situation, but he didn't help, he groped me instead.
• JM, when she stuck her oar in and started supporting the churchwarden and his wife, tried to use me going to his workplace as an excuse, but it is no excuse, no excuse for her on the mainland intervening and listening to their side and slating me, and no excuse for anything he did, I went to his workplace as he had taught me to do, and I went to ask him to bring clarity to an unclear, failing and very damaging relationship.
• But he wanted to feel me, and he didn't clarify anything. He said that the Vicar was doubtful that he (the churchwarden) could continue to work with me, which again was ridiculous as the churchwarden called himself my dad, not my therapist, how could he be 'working with me' and be my dad?
• And why didn't the Vicar, well aware that there were problems, speak to me about what was wrong, he knew the churchwarden had a record of wrongdoing and yet the Vicar and his wife avoided me and discussed me with the churchwarden and his wife! 
• This is why I started to be angry with them but there was no abuse to them and no death threats, there was an angry letter or two. It all worked out nicely in the churchwarden's favour.

• The best way to describe me while I was on the anti-depressant sedative was 'stunned' or 'stoned' I was not in a good state, and if only I had realised I was reactive to drugs, and if only any doctor ever had realised, then I would not have been on that stuff. I have no idea what it was but it affected my body and mind profoundly.
• During this time I was too ill for my work, and my employer, who was a volatile angry woman like my landlady, and who I described during my St. Saviour posts, was not happy with me, but a mixture of the abuse, the breakdown of relationship with the churchwarden and his wife, the anti-depressants as a result, and the fact that my employer drove everyone into the ground, even her husband, meant I just lost the ability to work effectively.
• I had been working on this vegetable garden all winter and into the spring, but this woman wanted everything done her way, and was making me work heavy clay soil in wet conditions that compacted it and prevented plants from growing, she would not let me work the way I needed to, but nagged and criticized and changed plans every five minutes, she treated her husband in the same way, and shouted at him all the time, and her mother in law and sister who also lived there, hated her. I just got more and more nervy and incompetent and basically everything in my life impacted and I was in a bad state.
• I was not at all unhappy to lose the job as it was unworkable. But what I was unhappy and angry about was yet another breach of my rights and privacy when my employer phoned the churchwarden and his wife when I was barely friends with them any more.
• She told them I was unhappy and broken down, and they gave her their account of things which covered what had been going on, basically in the UK, such an exchange would be illegal, just as the churchwarden phoning the people at the farm was.
• So, as I said, I was ill and not unhappy to lose a job that was a burden.

• My dad was home and recovering, but my mum was still claiming that the hospital tried to murder him, and she was refusing to let him have the physiotherapy and treatment he needed, and as a result, he never walked properly again, but used to scoot round the house on an office chair on wheels.
• I had left St. Andrews during the time I was with the churchwarden and his wife, because it was a crass, shallow, culty and controlling and sexist church and I got no spiritual benefit from it, and I found the fact that my concerns to the Vicar and his wife had been overridden and they were avoiding me was pretty bad, especially as I had done nothing against them, and I overheard the churchwarden discussing me with them in a detrimental way. They knew he was a serial misbehaver who had a history, they also knew I deteriorated while I was with him, why did they avoid me instead of stepping in?
• Anyway, it was the groping incident at Romerils that caused me so much concern, this churchwarden man was not prepared to take any responsibility at all for himself and the situation he created, he wanted me to take all the responsibility, I had always remained concerned about what he had said to me about his conduct with other girls, such as those on 'Walk Cumbria' and how he said he had been warned at work for touching people, and numerous other things that told me he wasn't very safe and he wasn't prepared to be responsible.
• This is why and when I reported him to the Dean.

• Those hoping for all the details here, it is too traumatic, I will not launch into it here, what I will tell you is that it is in the Korris report accurately, the only accurate bit of that damn report, which the Bishop has suddenly removed from the Diocesan website after 15 months of pleading for it to be removed because it is Jane Fisher's story, not mine, and she was never suspended and humiliated as the Dean was, when she has behaved as badly as he has.
• Anyway, so the Dean was being obstructive and I was ill, I was working part time again now, and working with the employment trust to try to find more work, but one day, the stupor that the antidepressant drug caused, meant that I missed an interview, and the employment Trust got worried and contacted Philip LeClaire at Autism Jersey, who realised something was wrong and contacted me and social services, which gave me a fright as social services in the UK had always been my family's enemy and I was not keen, Philip told me social services in Jersey were different and better and asked me to meet with him and a social worker and discuss what had been happening.
• I have to tell you, Philip was extremely good in following procedure and safeguarding, he obeyed normal procedures for safeguarding survivors and vulnerable people, credit to him, he really did good work during the time when I broke the news of the abuse to the Dean and Autism Jersey and the Police.

• The Dean was obstructive, as I said, but he said he had consulted his lawyers and 'if we thought we had a complaint we should go to the police', basically he didn't want to deal with it, and had made that quite clear when he saw me briefly after seeing the churchwarden and his wife, he said 'Isn't abuse a bit of a harsh word for it?' etc.
• well this was what Philip and the Social worker wanted, my friend Anne said that 'complaints tended to make things worse' and I was really quite anxious, but as we had brought the matter up, and the Dean was being obstructive, I considered Philip's suggestion that we did indeed go to the police, and so we did, with the social worker.
• We had an initial interview at the police station, we saw a grinning DC with rolled up sleeves, he was all grinning, like he was happy. He had a grey and white striped shirt.
• While we were there, he want to get something and I was rootling nosily and the toy box and I found a toy horse, which I held onto while I talked to the DC.
• When we left he told us there would be a delay because of the Haute de la Garenne matter taking up all the officers' time.
• I accidentally took the toy horse with me, and I love to tell people I stole a horse of the police, but I am pretty sure I asked permission to keep it at some point.

• Now, while the delay in further interview went on, I was suffering because the churchwarden and his wife and the Vicar and his wife had been maligning me because I had reported the churchwarden, this is the reality of what Jane Fisher made out to be paranoia and untrue, and Korris decided from the defensive and untrue answers she got, that nothing had happened, but the reality is, I have emails from Jane Fisher that prove that this did happen! 
• Anyway, I was being shunned, it was impossible to avoid the churchwarden and his wife in the community,  and life was impossible, so, as Philip and I waited for the police to make arrangements to see me, we came up with an idea.
• How I was going to go ahead with this idea, I did not know, but we decided I should go to England for a few weeks, recover a bit and come back.
• Easier said than done.

• I had no one to go to in England, my family had more than enough problems, I had no friends who could have me to stay for weeks, Anne was too ill and no one else was available, and so I was stumped, and I had very little money.
• My sister phoned me and told me her friends in Eastliegh had a room to rent and would I be interested?
• I told her it was only short term and I needed to come back to Jersey even just for interviews, and she said that was fine but they needed a decision straight away, and so I rushed into a decision when I wasn't in a fit state to.
• My landlady refused to accept that this was an emergency and that I could not not go and also could not keep a tenancy in Jersey and in Eastliegh, because I simply did not have the money, I was only working part time in Jersey.
• The landlady was angry, obstructive and nasty and tried to prevent me leaving, as a result I had to dump most of my posessions in her shed and she wouldn't let me have them back. It just goes to show, no amount of incense sticks, yoga and  organic food and 'spirituality' makes someone nice, so basically I fled, she got to keep the deposit and the overpayment of rent but she was still unpleasent about it.
• And so I started 6 weeks in England. In Spetember 2008, Which, at the height of the recession, wasn't any better than Jersey.

St Helier 2008 continued

It was a time when my life was falling apart. Being daughter/not daughter, to the churchwarden and his wife, had broken my heart, and episodes of virus-like illness had upset my life since November 2007, these were probably caused by the whole very wrong situation with the churchwarden, but the doctors in Jersey though viruses could be cured by antibiotics! :(
I have never thought about, or relived, this part of my life up until now, as it was awful.

• I remember while I was in my bedsit in St. helier, the churchwarden and his wife wanted me to go to Sunday lunch with them, for some reason I had endured a service at St. Andrews with them that week, this was after I had spoken about the abuse for the first time, to the Vicar and churchwarden etc, I think, I did not want Sunday lunch with them, I had other things to do, but reminiscent of the Lihous deciding when and where I would be with them, the churchwarden couple had decided I would have lunch with them, and kept on about it, I gave the churchwarden a lift home from church, which was one of the arrangements we had about my car, he was insured to drive my car and I was available to give him lifts to places. But anyway, by the time we got home, he was still on at me to come in for lunch, and my other plans continued to be discounted, and I said a firm no, and again said I had other plans, so I dropped him off and drove away, I was beginning to disentangle myself from them.

• I remember going to St. Paul's Church, the Archbishop of Canterbury was giving a talk on 'Is there a future for the Church of England?' or similar (I hope there isn't), anyway, the churchwarden came in, he didn't normally go to anything at St. Pauls, but he came in, and people either greeted him or tried to avoid him. He took my hand and got me to sit with him. Everyone saw that, so I sat with him, he wanted me to, his wife wasn't there, but I was knocked out by the antidepressant medicine, and so I slept through most of the talk..
• My real Dad had a major stroke, and I was not sure what to do, I was in contact with some of my family but remained afraid of being sucked back into the cult environment, I had been back sometimes and was concerned that the conversations remained culty and extreme even though the family was more liberal now that most of the children had grown up and gone away to do their own thing. I often chatted to my siblings online but was shy of my parents.
• I spoke at length to JM who was still my close friend at the time, she told me to do what I felt was best and that this might be my last chance to see my dad, and so I booked to fly to the UK to see my Dad, who remained unconscious in hospital.

• Being already very traumatized and confused by the situation with the churchwarden couple, this was yet another trauma, and being on knockout drugs didn't help.

St. Helier 2008

I know I haven't finished writing about St. Saviour and living with the churchwarden, but as you can imagine, that is so much work that I will be writing it for the rest of the life of this blog,

So I am going to, as best I can, talk about the turbulent months after I left the churchwarden and his wife. And will return to my time with them at intervals.

Unfortunately my move from the churchwarden's home to a bedsit was when I really started to learn that non-quals tenants can be treated like animals, with no privacy and no dignity. But we will get to that.

• The Korris report incorrectly states that I moved from the churchwarden's home when my relationship with them broke down. That is not the case. Anyway, on the subject of the Korris report, after 15 months of me lobbying the Bishop to amend or remove that incorrect report, suddenly it has been removed, how funny, I wonder if they will put it back up? It was purely self-glorification and cover up, it did not tell what happened to me, and was never amended to do so.
• Anyway, by the time I found the bedsit on the edge of St. Helier and Trinity, I had taken charge of finding myself a home and had discovered Jersey insight and had been applying for rooms on there, I actually can't remember if the room was in response to my advert or if I responded to theirs.
• Now, at this time it was still intended that I kept in touch with the churchwarden couple, although I was unhappy and so was his wife, and she and I had had a row, because I had mentioned him talking about sex, and he had told her I was in love with him, which made both of us angry, he was happy, because part of what he did was play us off against each other, he enjoyed the fight.
• But anyway, I had been to view a room that was just a store cupboard, and after the row, the churchwarden's wife said she didn't want me living in a cupboard and I should stay until I found something decent, which surprised me, I don't think having association with a cupboard dweller fitted her 'lady' scenario, poor woman.

This is St. Clements Church, which I attended for the first time after I left St. Andrews while living with the churchwarden

• So, anyway, I went to look at this bedsit in a family home, and decided to take it. 
• I needed to move out of the churchwarden's house.
• So, I took this bedsit, when Philip LeClaire heard about it, he said it wasn't the right place for me because the loud orange walls and lime green carpet were upsetting my senses.
• So, loud orange and lime green for a start, but at least I was independent again.
• Yes, well, you never know at first what you are taking on.

• It started out that I wasn't allowed to cook or eat meat in the house because the woman and therefore the family, were vegeterians.
• This was a bit restricting, but I lived with it, it was so funny that the churchwarden and his wife knew I was missing eating meat and the churchwarden's wife only did non meat food when they got me to go round for meals!  But never mind.
• But then my new landlady wanted me to eat all sorts of strange health foods and vegeterian stuff, she ran a health food shop and she wanted me to 'eat healthily', just when I needed to be me and not be overwhelmed with this kind of thing, she also wanted to send me organic food newsletters by email and get me to enter competitions to win organic hampers from her shop. I didn't really want all this in my life, I just wanted to get back on my feet and be me.

Jersey Goldsmiths, a tourist attraction.

• So, I was under pressure to be something I was not, this lady was obsessed with organic, health eating, spiritual and psychology stuff, and usually an obsession like that, to that extreme, comes from unhealed abuse, and she did tell me she was abused.
• But she had got through three marriages and now had a live-in partner, and as well as this making me uneasy, because it is against my beliefs, it puzzled me that someone could be so obsessed with 'trying to make life right, with organic food and candles and incense and psychology and astrology, and yet they had 3 divorces and were sleeping with someone they were not married to, it was kind of topsy turvy, please excuse my thoughts if you are reading this and feel that sleeping with someone you are not married to is acceptable, everyone has their own views.
• Anyway, I felt uneasy about all this.
• I felt sorry for the 16 year old son, he lived in the house, went to Victoria College but he was the product of one of the failed marriages, and his Dad didn't seem to be around, there was a daughter somewhere as well, but, Jersey puzzles me, it is all fractured families.

• So, I had  my bedsit room in glaring colours, but didn't really have peace and privacy, the walls were thin, and I could hear the lad and his friends in the next room, there was also a window in my room wall by my bed, that looked out onto the landing, it was fristed glass but it wasn't exactly privacy, but the lack of privacy was worse than that, as I will explain.
• Anyway, soon after I arrived I realised that the house was swarming with ants, they were all over the kitchen and in the food, they were also all over my room, even in my bed.
• Now, when I spoke to the landlady about this, this is when I realised what a totally bizarre place I was living in, she said that she could not kill anything so the ants had to stay, and that I should say to them 'go away' and they would and I should 'befriend them', now, the church make me out to be mad, what about people like this?!
• The ants didn't speak english, so they didn't go away.
• Worse than that, there were mice and rats, and there were mice in my room, they shredded my posessions, and again this woman said she would never kill anything and I should tell the mice to go away and they would. What rubbish.
• The woman tried to claim I was attracting the mice, she said it was because there was a snack bar among my posessions, well, no, the mice were there before the snack bar, and they were there when they had shredded and chewed a number of valuable things of mine.

• So, with mice keeping me awake at night and shredding my things, and ants biting me and ruining my food, this was the tip of the iceberg as the unhealthy situation with the churchwarden and his wife continued to cause me misery, and I was battling depression.
• So, I went to the doctor, was put on an anti-depressant, tranquiliser combination and this really knocked me for a six, I was ill and in a daze.
• I went to Romerils and got ant powder and mouse poison and put them down, because no matter what the silly dizzy landlady said, I was not living with vermin any more.

To be continued.

Jersey -St. Saviour 2007/2008

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lcOxhH8N3Bo

• I guess I should have been less naive and more competent and assertive, I shouldn't have stayed with the churchwarden and his wife as I did, but I had blind faith in them, and they were acting as the adults in my life.
• I guess I know from recent experiences, that I can change my circumstances, because I was in that lodging house with no light, water coming through the roof and people fighting about drugs in the corridor, and thinking that because of where I came from and who the Diocese said I was, until I realised that when I was in my early 20s, I had secured myself a perfectly good bedsit where I had lived for years, and so, I pulled together some self belief and got the flat where I live now, but in Jersey I was still immature and went along with what the churchwarden wanted. And, although the arrangement was for me to stay with the churchwarden until I found lodgings, he wanted me to stay with them full stop, and his wife didn't, but until I found Jersey Insight, we got nowhere with finding lodgings for me anyway.
• When I found Jersey insight and started applying for lodgings there, I was able to apply by email for many rooms, and viewed some rooms.
• I remember, the churchwarden's wife was critical of rooms we looked at, well basically I don't think she understood that non-qualified rooms that I could afford, were not going to be very nice by her standards, she kind of acted as if she was a lady and wanted everything posh, so what was available was not good enough.
• In the same vein, she tried to dress me up, because her husband was making her endure me, but that didn't work, because I can't be put in lady clothes, I am a jeans and jumper person because I am a child, and dressing me as a woman, as FM had once wanted to do, doesn't work and makes me into someone I cannot be.
• I feel very sorry for that poor churchwarden's wife, her husband had a history of causing her distress because of his behaviour and the reactions such as his sacking from St. pauls. She adored him and lived in denial, and she had a history of depressive breakdown as a result.
• Poor lady, I was just another unwanted burden to her, and she said so, which has scarred me ever since.

• The immortal 'sex without the duvet' conversation occured while I was with the churchwarden, it was among a number of conversations that occured when he had sat me on his knees, which he liked to do
•  http://whatreallyhappenedinthechurch.blogspot.co.uk/2014/01/sex-without-duvet-dont-worry-i-am-not.html#.U6GH9JRdXhE
• Another thing I remember that left me sad and disillusioned about faith and marriage was another conversation when the churchwarden had sat me on his knees. He told me that it was easy to get bored with your marriage partner and he had to make an effort to love his wife, he said that that is why the words at a marriage ceremony say: 'will you love...' But to me, that just sounded so sad, because as far as I knew before, all the couples apart from FM and JM that I knew, did truly still love each other, not just making an effort. JM used to tell me she stayed with FM out of sheer bloodymindedness and because she was afraid she would lose credibility as a cleric if she didn't.

• The thing the church, the ould bully and all other people forget as they smear me and write reports that do not include me, is, that the churchwarden and his wife, just as the Lihous and M's and others, are responsible for their actions, in taking me home, in behaving in ways that harmed me and got a reaction from me, they are responsible, but as Jane Fisher stated, the church see me as responsible for reacting and does not count the behaviours and actions of church employees and volunteers as their responsibility.

St. Saviour, staying with the churchwarden part 3

I realise I started but didn't finish a point about the churchwarden's wife, when I asked the churchwarden where his wife was as I needed prayer for something, the time he said 'oh women's problems?' and he wanted to know all about it! She looked scared when I went to her and said I had a problem, just she looked scared when he took me home that first time.
The churchwarden started telling me about a homeless girl he had taken home one time, but his wife would not let him talk about this.
Basically I was an idiot not to realise that these people had a history, and the churchwarden asking me to be his daughter not long after he met me, and not taking no for an answer, should have caused me concern, but I still though church was a safe place.

Here is a song that reminds me of Jersey, it was always on the radio when I was there, and I reworked it one time, the video is a very good reminder of Jersey.
 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4T6e3GJCjow

And this of that awful church https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CZw2J2kfM44

• The churchwarden used to pick me up and hug me in the church car park, and that occasionally got stares and disapproving looks from the alcoholic caretaker and his wife who lived onsite. The churchwarden's wife did not like him doing this, and it always rather startled me anyway. But I remember the churchwarden's wife saying it could affect his CRB check if people saw him doing this, which always seemed very strange indeed. Hugging me would not affect his CRB check!
• The churchwarden and his wife didn't tell me about his dismissal from St. Pauls, well he told me a different version, that he was dismissed by mistake and he forgave them. He told me that Ian LeMarquand, the reader at St.Pauls, who was also the magistrate of the island, was his friend, and Ian LeMarquand's daughter said her dad said it was a sad day when the churchwarden was dismissed from St. pauls.
• One thing I can assure you, when Philip Bailhache sent his defamatory letter about me, he claimed the churchwarden couple were a stable loving family to me, that is certainly not true, the situation was: One very loving 'Daddy' who crossed boundaries and was not ok, and one 'Mummy' who resented being suddenly made 'Mummy' to a socially awkward and scruffy young adult who did not fit her 'gracious lady' scenario, as she wemt around trying to be a 'lady' and trying to 'be the hostess' at church events, I always asked why she was the 'hostess' and not the Vicar's wife or the other churchwarden's wife, she was a fragile unhappy lady under the mask, and having a 'daughter' forced into her life by her husband was unfair.
• But so were some of the things she said and did in reaction to it, I was left very wounded. As much by this as the regression and sexual abuse.

• The other factor was St. Andrews church, and that is not isolated from the abuse, it is interconnected. 
• The other churchwarden was watching me and the churchwarden, if the churchwarden took me to the office alone, the other churchwarden would come to the office. He was always nice and polite to me, but I was so shy, I never dared speak to him, the reason the abusive churchwarden could speak to me was that he approached me, the other churchwarden always hung back, seemed shy, but was nice to me, I am sure he had concerns but he never did anything, and he should have.
• The Korris report entirely incorrectly says that I was told about the chaperoning policy by Philip LeClaire, this did not happen, I was never told about it, the Korris rubbish and the blogs are the first I heard of it.
• But obviously St. Andrews church knew of this chaperoning policy. And, they didn't implement it. An example is that time when they had all night prayer and the churchwarden was to be at that, but his wife wasn't. I was to join him for the all night prayer, which took place throughout the church and the church rooms, with different prayer activities.
• The churchwarden stayed with me during these activities, and we were alone in church rooms a number of times, despite other people in the church being aware of this. The churchwarden took me into a room where a man was sitting praying with his eyes closed, the churchwarden held my hand and told me about how he told some shy girls on Walk Cumbria about married people 'enjoying each other's bodies', which was another expression the churchwarden often used.
• People came in and out of rooms where I was alone with the churchwarden and although one elderly lady who was a strong church member and friend of the churchwarden and his wife, hesitated, she said nothing. No one told me about chaperoning, and no one did anything.

• I was trying to find the document about all night prayer and what happened afterwards that Philip LeClaire described as 'grooming' But I found another statement that I will post instead.
• When this statement was written I was under the condemnation of the collaberation of the Dean, the Vicar and his Wife, EY and his wife, JM, and half the community, hence this and other statements being very defensive and attempting to explain everything.
• This statement is very heavy stuff, written at the beginning of a four year breakdown, from which I started to recover in 2012, just before the Diocese launched on me and wrecked my life again. And it was written without knowing that the churchwarden was under a chaperoning policy and had a history of inappropriate behaviour.

Statement from 2008, edited for John Gladwin and Christine Daly:

·         He ‘adopted’ me when he’d known me only two weeks and hardly knew me, there was no real discussion about me being their ‘daughter’, but he and Ey’s wife were at odds about from the beginning. And I was to call them mummy and daddy, but to be excluded from their family and family parties.

·         He shouldn’t have done therapy on me if he was my daddy, he shouldn’t have done sexual therapy on me.

·         He and Ey’s wife between them repeatedly made me feel small and rubbish while making out that they were helping me.

·         EY caused bigger problems between me and St. A’s than there already were.

·         EY and Ey’s wife have never apologised for anything, not even Christmas, I was forbidden to talk about Christmas, but EY talked about their side of Christmas to The Vicar’s wife, and I was very shocked, but I was ‘punished’ for reacting. I was down on my knees apologising and trying to put everything right all the time, even though I was reacting to the way I was being treated and the situation that EY had created.

·         If EY casts any doubts on my integrity, it may be that my former therapist can explain that I do have integrity, and explain any of the things I do, she is highly skilled in trauma cases, but she should only be contacted if necessary and please ask first, as she is retired due to health problems. If EY and Ey’s wife had perfect integrity, then they would have talked this all through rather than running for ‘advice’ and throwing me away.

·         July 07 Friendship started with EY ‘adopting’ me after 2 weeks

·         August, EY was already talking about sex and there was already a division between EY saying I was daughter and Ey’s wife being much more reluctant about that, I was expected to call her mummy though and was ‘told off’ if I didn’t.

·         September, by now EY was upsetting me and I was struggling at St. A’s.

·         October, I think Ey’s hand slips started then, and the emotional games were happening.

·         November, EY got me to live with them,  Ey’s wife was reluctant, and Ey’s games were starting

·         December, a terrible Christmas where I was told that I would be welcome, but I spent most of Christmas alone. EY went through a very intensive phase of loving me in the week after Christmas, it felt like he was trying to be my lover and I got confused.

·         January,

·         February08, I was becoming quite depressed and unsettled.

·         March, a very painful birthday, EY told me before I went to England for my birthday that I was not daughter, but he and Ey’s wife sent me away with a card on my birthday that said I was daughter, I was very miserable and hurt and confused. EY had another phase of being extremely intimate with me as well, this was when he sat me on his lap on the sofa and was kissing my lips goodnight and seemed excited.

March/April, a row when I was told by EY that I wasn’t daughter and I lost my temper and told Ey’s wife that EY had said inappropriate things.

·         April, there was a row when EY tried once again to say I was in love with him, and I moved out without saying goodbye, I was ill and refused to go back for supper for a week or two. I could see no future for the friendship but I loved them, it was horrible, I was ill.

·         April/May,  Mission and New Wine CI, EY attempted to ‘Guideline’ me, and I was rejected from the ‘family’ when I reacted by saying that EY was causing some of my behaviour by what he was doing. Ey’s wife told me that they had ‘taken advice about me, they never talked things through with me, despite an attempt at reconciliation  from my side after ‘repenting’ because of the way The Vicar who was one of the people running New Wine, set up a situation where I was left feeling that I needed to change my view and start afresh. When I went back to Ey’s wife and EY they pretended that I was there daughter, it was a very see through pretence, and EY repeatedly told me very blatantly that Ey’s wife did not want me.

June/July, the deterioration continued and the friendship ended as EY continued to get at me with Ey’s wife’s opinion and blaming me and my behaviour. He also caused great distress by saying he had to discuss with The Vicar whether or not he could ‘continue working with me’, there was very clearly no ‘work’ between me and EY, he had said I was daughter, and there was no therapy agreement.

(basically I should not have been feeling to blame here, the Vicar should have involved me in the discussion, especially as I had already mentioned abuse, and the reason EY should have been discussing it with the Vicar should have been because the Vicar was aware, from me, that there was a problem and he should have been discussing wether or not, as I had already said inappropriate things were happening, EY should have been working with me at all, EY made it out to be my problem, not his 13/06/2014)

EY and Ey’s wife after the Guidelines incident were not ‘mum’ and ‘Dad’ or ‘mummy’ and ‘daddy’, they never explained or clarified this, but talking, on the phone, in emails, and any conversation they called themselves by their names, I was not ‘daughter’ or ‘precious daughter’ anymore, and though I went on loving EY as a father despite what he’d done, when I said ‘daddy’ to him, I got sharp looks and no response, he would cuddle me if Ey’s wife wasn’t there, and would not cuddle me if she was. All of this was very painful for me, I really felt that I had done great wrong, and that I was to blame, and EY and Ey’s wife certainly encouraged those feelings with their opinions, me trying to make it all ok I kept buying Ey’s wife flowers and presents, trying to be nice, but Ey’s wife kept going on about my behaviour and the hurt was unbearable, I could see no future, I had lost the adoptive family that ‘God had sent me to’, I was a failure. EY had said in the past that God had sent me to them, but EY never told me that God had told them to throw me away when things went wrong, they were just walking away and not concluding or healing anything, they knew I was ill, I went to hospital, I lost my hair, I thought I would die from suicide or the vomiting and the pressure in my head, I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t eat, I spent days wandering around not really knowing where I was, and I had to give up work because I was no longer capable of work. EY and Ey’s wife slammed me for not working as well, even when I started work part time again when I was well enough, my illness/work record are checkable. My hospital visits/hair loss are checkable. My seeing therapist and speaking to former therapist are checkable, and any doubts of my integrity can be settled by my former therapist in England, please understand that I am not denying behaving badly, but it has been in reaction to the way I have been treated. I have been in unimaginable pain because of the way the Ys treated me, because of the way they shared this mistreatment of me with the Taylors and any other church people.

·         I have been to their church, looking for the loving God that they took away from me. Trying to understand what they did to me in the name of God.

·         I have attacked them verbally, the pain and distress and the fact that they blamed me and walked away sent me out of control.

·         I have had failed friendships before, I am told that even normal people have, but I have never had a friendship like the one that the Ys did, nor do I have huge amounts of failed friendships, at present I am counting three ‘true failures’ including the Ys and they have damaged other relationships of mine here, I have never been ‘taken over’ and hurt to this level before, and the ‘family/not family’, abuse and being controlled and maligned issue has wounded me more deeply than anything ever has. I am sorry that I have reacted, I was dehumanised, could anyone have done any better? The Ys never apologised, they were outraged, wounded ‘Good Christians’, ‘only trying to help me’ and I ‘was so ungrateful’.

·          

·         When I wrote to EY and Ey’s wife when I was house sitting for their son, I wrote because problems with EY were occurring, this was in October/November last year and EY had created a situation where I was alone with him in a room, and had then said about people talking, just after that he had told me off sharply for kissing his cheek as I hugged him, ‘what will people think’, today I kissed my friend’s cheek after the remembrance day service, I have known her since I was seventeen, no one, not me, not her, not anyone imagines that anything inappropriate is happening there, it is ridiculous that EY was playing with my emotions like that, yet when I wrote to them I was told off, I wrote because speaking about these things is hard for me, but I was told off, called a few names by Ey’s wife and told that my letters would be burned, EY kept a file of my letters, and I took the file off them when I left (Some of these have been gathered together and handed to the police, including the above letters), but the Ys will have a very big file of my letters and emails since the friendship hit trouble, some of which are cruel and terrible because I have been so ill and hurt, they showed the Dean the letters and emails when they saw him, before I got to see him, and basically ensured that the Dean was unwilling to help me, he told me that they were sitting in his study distressed and sorrowful, but EY and Ey’s wife always blamed me, they showed no sorrow with me as they turned away without an apology and left me with the blame.

·         For some reason EY thought it was alright for him to phone my friend JM, to try and justify what he did as ‘therapy’, even a trained therapist with a clear contract with a client must never be sexual with a client, and a member of family cannot be a therapist to another member of family. I really had no idea what was happening with EY, he called me daughter and I wanted a father, I wanted to belong to a family, especially a Christian family, the boundaries that EY moved and moulded constantly confused and disorientated me, right from the beginning, but I was blamed, always, EY was there, dominating, gently touching, telling me that I was wrong and my reactions were ‘not from God’, he was ‘the man’, ‘in charge’, I heard him say many times to people about other things and situations that ‘he was always right’. EY didn’t phone me to explain and apologise, he phoned Reverend JM without my permission, broke into a long standing  friendship and damaged it, he, and then Ey’s wife told JM ‘all the terrible things I had been doing’, and JM who has her own way of thinking, and doesn’t believe in Asbergers Syndrome, tried to tell me off, and got deeply involved, caused further misunderstandings, and my friendship with her (she was like a mother to me) is irreparably damaged, I have known JM since I was a teenager and she was incredibly precious to me, despite truly not understanding autism, the effects of abuse etc, I wouldn’t even say that my friendship with JM was always free of problems, her husband has a violent temper and I was the victim of that for many years and wont miss it, but there was plenty of love and mutual senses of humour between me and JM, and I adored and respected her, losing JM is very grave for me, and it is another violation like EY getting Jonathan Mortimer’s advice and trying to put me under guidelines . JM also believes that abusers are just victims themselves, I don’t sexually abuse, so its no excuse.

Nor has the church dealt with this breach of confidence and crossing of professional boundaries by JM, instead they upheld her and the Ys and the Dean in collaborating to vilify me.

·          JM talking to me after EY had talked to her, mentioned something about Ey’s wife workplace, as if she was telling me that EY had said I had been going up there to pester him, EY encouraged me to go to his work, he took me to his work even, that was where I heard him say several ‘I am always right’ s when people queried things he’d done. It was also in one of Ey’s wife Romeril’s warehouses, building a trolley for church, that EY first asked me about being raped, I ran away from him and hid behind a solid object, he came after me, ‘you were raped weren’t you? Yes you were, weren’t you, come here’ EY took me in his arms, I was very very ashamed, I couldn’t speak and I was close to tears, I couldn’t look up, I kept my head down and hid again when he let me go. Then he wanted to know if I’d had a baby and he told me that he’d heard that women felt dirty and ashamed when they’d been raped. EY built a trolley and I stayed hiding but I raced the trolley round the empty warehouse like a skateboard when he’d finished.

EY told Ey’s wife that I’d told him I’d been raped, she was upset, I told Ey’s wife that I hadn’t been whinging to EY about my past, that EY had been questioning me.

Why did EY need to know that I’d been raped? Ey’s wife had already said ‘no more questions’, why didn’t EY make sure someone else was there when he questioned me? As when he tried to put guidelines on me, EY was alone, being ‘The man’.

When I was alone with EY at St. A’s (Satandrews) helping with maintenance work, EY would stop work and cuddle me, he was always talking about ‘people talking’ and ‘what will people think’, yet he wanted to cuddle me where people could turn up and did, I liked lots of cuddles, like a little child with her father, but I couldn’t cope with the ‘what will people think?’ I had no idea how to react, he was pressing the fears onto me and I didn’t know what to do. How could he blame me for everything when he was hurting me like this?

·         EY talked about the announcements columns, about people having illegitimate babies, I agreed that it was nothing to be proud of, but judge not, you don’t know what happened, EY laughed and said ‘oh, the girl knew what happened’, I told him what if one of those children was created by forcing but the mother decided to be proud of the child anyway. Judge not.

·          

·         EY will probably have any ‘witnesses’ to his kind and cuddly behaviour at Saint Andrews briefed to support him, he is a saint there, he runs the church for The Vicar, it utterly amazed me that that Vicar has one church, he doesn’t bother with Saturday Prayer services, he leaves the Churchwardens to run most of the formal Sunday services, while he just gets up to do a very poor sermon in the middle, sometimes he doesn’t even do that, there is a reader, EY Y’s best friend, Neville Brooks, who was with EY when he was dismissed from St. Pauls and moved with him to St. A’s.

‘I am leading the service’ said EY proudly, and he does, or the other churchwarden does. This Vicar has one church, JM has five and tries to be everywhere, truly makes herself ill trying to be everywhere, look after everyone and run everything properly. She leads the services, Yet The Vicar timeserves and makes a disabled person in his congregation feel so rubbish that they leave.

·         The Vicar was on the leadership of New Wine Channel Islands and set the situation up to suit him.

·         EY talked about spanking my bottom sometimes, one time he was offering to do that I told him it was wrong but that I gave him the benefit of the doubt about his thoughts about me, he didn’t say anything. He did slap my bottom gently when I was on the sofa, resting against him, and he did stroke and touch my bottom, he will just have included it in his healing touch and deny that he was doing anything wrong though.

·         I am sure that at least some of Ey’s hugs could just be innocent and loving hugs, and maybe he just wanted to help me, but he hurt me and Ey’s wife hurt me and the Vicar and his wife hurt me and they all walked off and left me hurting, and made out that I was the one in the wrong.

·         . Resting my head on Ey’s wife belly was what he taught me, I would lie on the sofa with my head cuddled into his belly, thumb in mouth and the rest of my hand resting on him, he also encouraged me to rest my head on his lap, he didn’t mind me resting my head close to his body on his lap, facing him, but I minded and would only rest away from him with my head facing his knees, even little girl knew that there were boundaries somewhere and that he was a man. Ey’s wife was in the room and accepted or ignored this closeness so I thought it was ok. Ey’s wife never cuddled up to EY on the sofa, if they were together on the sofa, Ey’s wife tended to stay the opposite end of the sofa, but that seems to be Ey’s wife likes space in the evenings and she was always tired, in the mornings at breakfast EY and Ey’s wife were very cuddly and intimate in the kitchen though.

·         When I kissed EY on the cheek when he hugged me goodbye on the way to work one day he said, ‘Are you getting fresh with your daddy?’ I was startled, Ey’s wife was there in the room I don’t know if she saw the kiss, I was not getting fresh (means being naughty?), I was kissing my daddy goodbye. How could he even begin to imply that I would misbehave with him in front of his wife What did he think Ey’s wife would think? Why would he make a comment like that when he knew that Ey’s wife was unsettled about ‘daughter’ Why did he tend to kiss my lips or neck when Ey’s wife wasn’t there? One time I kissed his cheek he said, ‘Oh I mustn’t kiss you back, it wouln’t be right’ an dhe said something about me waiting for a boyfriend, digusting man. I NEVER kissed him sexually and my kisses were not sexual, sexuality was the last thing I was thinking. I thought I’d found my daddy, a confusing, charming, distressing daddy. He seemed to almost want me to misbehave, but I couldn’t. My kisses to his cheeks were innocent and seeing as he was so tactile, if his touch me was innocent, why did he think that my kisses were not? especially as he never withdrew the touch and holding when he slammed me for kissing him, he never stopped hugging me when he accused me of ‘being in love with him’ I was the one who occasionally withdrew hugs when he was tormenting me by ‘oh, wife is upset with us hugging so much’, etc, and his kisses to my lips and neck, what was I supposed to think? And he obviously made Ey’s wife think that there was a problem, EY emotionally tortured me, I could not misbehave with him, it is like smoking and getting drunk, I cannot do it, and I was being criminalised, would you have known what to do? If you had been me, autistic, thinking God had answered your prayers for a family, behaving honourably with a very loving very confusing daddy and a mummy who didn’t want a daughter but wanted to help ‘as a good Christian’. Would you have left them or gone mad? Would you have shrugged it all off, seen better, walked away, I thought they were the wonderful Christian family I looked for, they helped me, took me over, I was theirs, but I wasn’t really ‘family’, I had to stop existing on Christmas eve, and when it was Ey’s  stepmother’s party, the ironic thing is, Ey’s stepmother took his dad away and left Ey’s  mother to raise four children in poverty, Ey’s mother died because she went without food in order to feed her children apparently, according to Ey’s wife, but Ey’s  brother arranged a nice party for the stepmum, and EY and Ey’s wife went along with their daughter in law, granddaughter etc, left me at home, I wasn’t to exist that day, I wasn’t good enough even though I would never take a man from his wife, I was non-existent, but Ey’s wife talked about the party for days, how the little granddaughter had so much fun, me being only an adoptive daughter was not deserving of any good things, fun, parties, I couldn’t even exist, especially after Christmas after I had done such great wrong in walking out after Ey’s wife rejected me.

·         They have the Birthday Card they gave me, I sent it back, it says precious daughter, but EY sent me away for my birthday saying I ‘wasn’t daughter’, he said to me ‘not precious daughter now, precious person’, and this was how it was for months daughter/not daughter, and I was always not daughter with family and excluded from parties.

·         Ey’s wife wanted me to just go away, she was saying to EY ‘ maybe ******should go on travelling, as she planned to’. Ey’s wife didn’t like me having opinions, ok my opinion of not liking newsreaders playing with emotions is strong, Ey’s wife knew I was autistic, the excess emotion annoyed me, but Ey’s wife has strong opinions, she was raging and crying about Senator Syvret, Haute De La Garrene, all sorts of things, she ends up crying and looking like death, one day she did that about me for some unknown reason, and EY happily said to me ‘You’ve made my wife ill!’ nothing else, no attempt to help, and  I went to Ey’s wife and tried to comfort her, I certainly can’t ‘make people ill’, but Ey’s wife had her hands like claws and pushed me away, I was terrified and distressed, there was no talk it through and after a day or two when I got home from work, Ey’s wife rushed to greet me, hugged me and hugged me though I was distressed and afraid and wanted her to leave me alone, she had got me a big bar of chocolate that I didn’t want so I put it in Ey’s wife supper, Ey’s wife kept talking to me and I wanted her to leave me alone, she was all nice nice nice, but Ey’s wife didn’t like me and I was afraid of her. Me to blame? I just make people ill when they are kind to me? How can I live with this, even now?

·         Why why why? the above paragraph, EY should not have brought me home to a wife who did not want a daughter, especially not a disabled one, who had nothing, it was very clear from the start that there was a division of opinions on me between EY and Ey’s wife, because they were telling me different things about my ‘place in the family’, Ey’s wife said I would never be really like a daughter, and EY was saying that I was their adoptive daughter and Ey’s wife would get used to me but she didn’t and wouldn’t, she loves her stylish well off daughters in law, because its all the latest fashions, the gossip, the foreign countries, I was nothing, scruffy, quiet, not interested in oneupmanship or complaining about things. But Ey’s wife wanted to be a ‘Good Christian’, which is why she tolerated me and shouted about me when I wasn’t supposed to know. They had chosen to call me daughter, and I was called daughter by EY, I was expected to call them Mummy and Daddy or mum and dad by EY, I called them EY and Ey’s wife if anything was wrong and got told off, Ey’s wife didn’t want to be Mum, occasionally she went through phases of really trying to be Mum, ‘oh we would do all this for the boys you know’. But I was excluded from parties, I was just ‘left at home’ and Ey’s wife would talk and talk about these parties, she would have excluded me from Christmas I believe, but I think EY got his way. I could have been in England for Christmas, but I ended up alone for most of Christmas anyway, Ey’s wife got her way, but I was not allowed to talk about Christmas afterwards and they didn’t apologise, even though EY talked to The Vicar’s wife about Christmas and made me sick.

·         Then I was dumped when I said EY had been naughty, I was no longer precious daughter, these ‘good christians’ dumped me rather than take any responsibility.

·         I did react badly to things they did, said, shouted, I did react to the way St. A’s Church treated me. How was I supposed to deal with it all? They were ‘helping’ me, but how could I take all the things they did, said, blamed on me? I couldn’t, and I wanted to be ‘part of the family’ EY brought me into the family and I really really wanted to belong with these smart, intelligent, secure people, to be loved good enough and belong, but I couldn’t, smashed dreams. I got them presents at Christmas, birthdays, mothers day, fathers day, I suffered a very serious rejection from Ey’s wife at mothers day and I took the cards and put them in the bin(I got her two cards, and chocolate and flowers), I tried to be ok and understand how to be, but I was always wrong and hurting. At my birthday I went to England because EY and Ey’s wife were going to their sons wedding, they threw some money at me as a birthday present and I was sad, and EY said I wasn’t daughter and I was depressed, ill  and crying for my birthday and easter in England, especially when I opened the card that said ‘daughter’, when I got back I didn’t want to be there, EY kept on at me ‘you’re pleased to be back, you’re pleased to be back aren’t you’, I wasn’t but EY is a steamroller so I had to answer yes, Ey’s wife was in a bad mood when I got back, they had just got back and Ey’s wife was snapping but EY said ‘she does that when she’s tired’. Not long after that there was the row on the landing ‘Why does St. A’s Church think I am a slut when EY is the one being inappropriate, saying inappropriate things?’ End of March?

·         I was confused about EY crossing boundaries, EY should have been more responsible, I wasn’t too sure about what he was doing sometimes, but I haven’t had an adoptive daddy before, especially not someone like EY, and I am told that not being looked after properly by my real dad probably meant that I didn’t have a good example set anyway so I was confused when EY was playing games with me, it would never have been easy for me to walk away from EY and Ey’s wife, it wasn’t even in the end, I went back to them after New Wine, begged on my knees to still be daughter, no apology from their side, me taking all the blame, even up until July I couldn’t let go, though I was realising more and more that they had really really hurt me.

·         I temporarily left Saint Andrews, probably in March, I was feeling so small and wounded and I had lost sight of God, I even stopped going to St. Pauls or any church for a few weeks, but St.Pauls people actually made a fuss and made sure I went back, aren’t they amazing? My faith was low but they truly cared about me and wanted me to be ok, they have kept praying and helping me. I started going to St. A’s after New Wine, because I felt that maybe I’d been wrong, maybe they were right, because of the manipulated situation at New Wine. But St. A’s got no better for my fresh approach, and after I left EY and Ey’s wife, I went to St. Ouens and was so overwhelmed with the quality of service there that I wrote to the vicar saying how wonderful I had found the church, I went to St. A’s a few more times, and was sad and depressed by it and by the way I was treated. I cried through the last time I was there, and I have been up there and upset their prayers on Saturday a few times by telling God about EY, sorry, I have stopped doing that. EY  will undoubtedly use all my furious letters in his defence, and a shredded photograph of him and me, I wrote on the back about him ‘fucking with his daughter’s mind and body’, that was one of the photographs he sent me to England with just before christmas, ‘show your friends the pictures of you with mummy and daddy’, he really did say it, but then there was my rejection from his family at Christmas and the stepmums party, how would you cope? Being told to tell your friends about mummy and daddy, then being very deliberately excluded at family occasions and the party on Christmas eve, I was alone most of Christmas eve night, they hadn’t told me that I would be, Ey’s wife made a feeble lie about they’d been running errands, they hadn’t, they’d been to a party with their son.

·         Any ‘problems I have ever had in churches before have been minor, trying to understand church when I first started going, wanting to help out with things but feeling that I was overlooked (I did help in the end), being afraid of church because of my background, seeing a respected youth and mission leader arrested for child abuse and child porn, having other well meaning couples getting too involved in ‘running my life’ – NEVER to the extent that EY and Ey’s wife have, and I was not sexually abused or completely controlled by either of these other two couples, and the amount of friends I have made in church and out of church who there are NO problems with is endless, there are millions of them, like ants, are my friends like ants? Thats a bit rude of me.

·         But I like lots of space too, because I am autistic. I prefer to live with other people rather than being alone, but I like privacy and running my own life.

·          I have a bit of a quick temper but I have to be annoyed or afraid to get cross, I tend to be very submissive and apologetic if I am told off for an error, but my temper comes out when someone keeps on at me or is being unreasonable, or if I feel trapped or unfairly blamed, people do blame me and my problems for their errors occasionally and my self esteem is very very low, attacking EY and Ey’s wife is not all self righteousness it is very very deep pain, their image is ‘Good Holy Christians’ but what they did to me is not good or holy, EY using sexuality on me could not just have been ‘Righteous, blameless healing’, he must have been enjoying it, and he, as a Christian and a married man, should have known better, he told JM he was trying to heal my sexually based problems with sexuality or something. EY could have helped me by contributing to my very high therapy fees if he’d cared, not told me about his sex life while I was on his knee like a child, not terrified me by pinning me down or distressed me by asking about rape, then slamming me for my distress about these things, therapists cannot punish their clients for reactions to therapy and daddies and mummies cannot do therapy on their daughter. Why did EY need to do sexual and physical therapy, but not talk through problems in the daddy, mummy and daughter relationship, why didn’t he do church phobia therapy or mediate with Vicar  and The Vicar’s wife therapy, it’s as if he wanted that rift there.

·         And why didn’t EY stop the therapy if he saw I was going downhill? Nothing stopped until I moved out and Ey’s wife seemed to warn EY off a bit. Why couldn’t they have apologised, I might be less angry, I was always apologising, boosting their ‘we’re right, you’re wrong’ attitude. Oh, and I was in genuine therapy at the time and the therapist told me that EY was doing wrong and I should slap him on the nose 13/06/2014

·         EY told me that Ey’s wife was traumatised by me and close to a breakdown (it didn’t seem to matter that I was traumatised by them and had had several  minor breakdowns), he said she was still traumatised by what happened at St. Pauls (I don’t know any details, he told me they were wrong in dismissing him, they tell me that he was taking over pastoral care and doing things he had no right to do.), EY said Ey’s wife didn’t want me alone with him and there was a danger that she would say that he was to have no contact with me, EY left me to deal with this, Ey’s wife was being ok with me at the time, but after one more conversation like this, when I had been in tears all day and EY callously went through a similar load of comments, I emailed EY telling him that he had done wrong and I couldn’t take the blame any more.

·         St. Pauls still remember the upset of EY being dismissed, I have never mentioned it to them, but they talked about it during a conflict in church discussion, It was the vicar before Paul Brooks who sacked him, and EY proudly told me that he stayed on some of the committees for some time and ‘helped to choose Paul Brooks as vicar’, but he told me that some people were angry that he stayed on after being sacked. St. Pauls is a gentle, kind church, or so I thought before I was maligned to them and thus shunned 13/06/14, but the way EY talked about it when I was new to Jersey and loved him as Daddy, I felt I hated them and never wanted to go there, as it is, St. Pauls have been a lifeline to me and I am glad I sought refuge from the Ys and St. A’s there. Well they made me unwelcome because St. Andrews maligned me to them, although some people continued to be friendly, and it was another cult church which manipulated people.

·         Please don’t let the Vicar coupleand the Ys hurt anyone else, they have totally and utterly rubbished me, I was on my knees apologising because I didn’t realise that it couldn’t all be my fault, the way they made me feel rubbish, unwanted, useless. They righteously ‘pray about me’ Ey’s wife told me they ‘pray about me’, but that was when they’d thrown me away, and what is the point of hurting someone that much and ‘praying it all away’, the real God just doesn’t work that way, these church leaders think they can be irresponsible and then pray away the damage they’ve done, and I feel so far from God and so much beyond prayer because of them.

·         I was invited to do a ‘plumbline course’ (IN Jersey, run by the cult element of churches there)

 which is supposed to heal people with emotional problems, I went in to the course and ran out again, it was run by the people who had done the ‘signs and wonders’ at the beginning of my time at St. A’s, what they were doing was purely frightening and dangerous, I had a minor breakdown that day. In contrast I went to a taster evening run by the Bridge Pastoral Foundation, (In Hampshire, run by a lovely organization).

 the courses offered by them were also on emotional and spiritual healing but were neither frightening nor dangerous, the courses were good solid stuff, rooted in real Christianity and run in a way that really, even in that evening brought comfort to me and distanced me from the terrors of St. A’s Church, brought me back towards the God of Love, who I have lost and grieve for.

·         God of Love and Truth come back to me, don’t let the Ys and the Ts throw this serious matter away as rubbish, label me as trouble and walk on to hurt others. I do have problems but the Ys seem to have been able to use Your Name to leave me broken beyond hope while taking no responsibility and I can’t let them do this to others, Lord have mercy. Amen