St. Helier 2008 final chapter

The blog gets almost too traumatic to write at this point.

Shell Garden St. Aubin

• In the UK with my volatile family, my sister shouting at me and threatening to throw me out of the car because I told her not to worry about something and she shouted that I wasn't to tell her what to do, my family were their usual selves.
• My Dad was awake while I was there, after being unconscious for some time, he was lucid too, so we got to speak to him, but my mum was shrieking that the hospital were trying to murder him, which I don't believe because deliberate murder by hospital staff is rare, people usually die from hospital infections instead.
• My Mum, because of her mental illness had not called an ambulance, and had instead left my dad collapsed. My brother found him, and tried to help him and called an ambulance, by then the stroke had completed it's damaging work. And yet, my mum accused the hospital of trying to murder my Dad!

• I returned to Jersey in a bit of a state, here I was with my Dad sick, my family as disturbed as ever, and in Jersey, the relationship with my 'Adoptive' family deteriorating.
• I had believed the churchwarden when he said I was their 'God-sent daughter', and as ever, I was left responsible for the mess, while these people, just as others in the church had, were not taking responsibility for their actions or commitments, I mean, you cannot just adopt and unadopt people to suit you.
• If you say to someone vulnerable that they are a part of your family, you have to honour that, and make sure it is all clear and known to people, you shouldn't make a commitment like that unless you know what you are doing and are capable of seeing it through.
• The churchwarden later claimed that he was 'doing therapy' on me, and tried to explain the sexual element away as 'therapy' and 'healing me', but what father does such healing on his daughter?
• Anyway, it was one day when I had gone on trying to resolve the issues and I went to the churchwarden's workplace as he used to encourage me to do, and because I did not want to upset his wife, and I wanted to know what to do about the situation, but he didn't help, he groped me instead.
• JM, when she stuck her oar in and started supporting the churchwarden and his wife, tried to use me going to his workplace as an excuse, but it is no excuse, no excuse for her on the mainland intervening and listening to their side and slating me, and no excuse for anything he did, I went to his workplace as he had taught me to do, and I went to ask him to bring clarity to an unclear, failing and very damaging relationship.
• But he wanted to feel me, and he didn't clarify anything. He said that the Vicar was doubtful that he (the churchwarden) could continue to work with me, which again was ridiculous as the churchwarden called himself my dad, not my therapist, how could he be 'working with me' and be my dad?
• And why didn't the Vicar, well aware that there were problems, speak to me about what was wrong, he knew the churchwarden had a record of wrongdoing and yet the Vicar and his wife avoided me and discussed me with the churchwarden and his wife! 
• This is why I started to be angry with them but there was no abuse to them and no death threats, there was an angry letter or two. It all worked out nicely in the churchwarden's favour.

• The best way to describe me while I was on the anti-depressant sedative was 'stunned' or 'stoned' I was not in a good state, and if only I had realised I was reactive to drugs, and if only any doctor ever had realised, then I would not have been on that stuff. I have no idea what it was but it affected my body and mind profoundly.
• During this time I was too ill for my work, and my employer, who was a volatile angry woman like my landlady, and who I described during my St. Saviour posts, was not happy with me, but a mixture of the abuse, the breakdown of relationship with the churchwarden and his wife, the anti-depressants as a result, and the fact that my employer drove everyone into the ground, even her husband, meant I just lost the ability to work effectively.
• I had been working on this vegetable garden all winter and into the spring, but this woman wanted everything done her way, and was making me work heavy clay soil in wet conditions that compacted it and prevented plants from growing, she would not let me work the way I needed to, but nagged and criticized and changed plans every five minutes, she treated her husband in the same way, and shouted at him all the time, and her mother in law and sister who also lived there, hated her. I just got more and more nervy and incompetent and basically everything in my life impacted and I was in a bad state.
• I was not at all unhappy to lose the job as it was unworkable. But what I was unhappy and angry about was yet another breach of my rights and privacy when my employer phoned the churchwarden and his wife when I was barely friends with them any more.
• She told them I was unhappy and broken down, and they gave her their account of things which covered what had been going on, basically in the UK, such an exchange would be illegal, just as the churchwarden phoning the people at the farm was.
• So, as I said, I was ill and not unhappy to lose a job that was a burden.

• My dad was home and recovering, but my mum was still claiming that the hospital tried to murder him, and she was refusing to let him have the physiotherapy and treatment he needed, and as a result, he never walked properly again, but used to scoot round the house on an office chair on wheels.
• I had left St. Andrews during the time I was with the churchwarden and his wife, because it was a crass, shallow, culty and controlling and sexist church and I got no spiritual benefit from it, and I found the fact that my concerns to the Vicar and his wife had been overridden and they were avoiding me was pretty bad, especially as I had done nothing against them, and I overheard the churchwarden discussing me with them in a detrimental way. They knew he was a serial misbehaver who had a history, they also knew I deteriorated while I was with him, why did they avoid me instead of stepping in?
• Anyway, it was the groping incident at Romerils that caused me so much concern, this churchwarden man was not prepared to take any responsibility at all for himself and the situation he created, he wanted me to take all the responsibility, I had always remained concerned about what he had said to me about his conduct with other girls, such as those on 'Walk Cumbria' and how he said he had been warned at work for touching people, and numerous other things that told me he wasn't very safe and he wasn't prepared to be responsible.
• This is why and when I reported him to the Dean.

• Those hoping for all the details here, it is too traumatic, I will not launch into it here, what I will tell you is that it is in the Korris report accurately, the only accurate bit of that damn report, which the Bishop has suddenly removed from the Diocesan website after 15 months of pleading for it to be removed because it is Jane Fisher's story, not mine, and she was never suspended and humiliated as the Dean was, when she has behaved as badly as he has.
• Anyway, so the Dean was being obstructive and I was ill, I was working part time again now, and working with the employment trust to try to find more work, but one day, the stupor that the antidepressant drug caused, meant that I missed an interview, and the employment Trust got worried and contacted Philip LeClaire at Autism Jersey, who realised something was wrong and contacted me and social services, which gave me a fright as social services in the UK had always been my family's enemy and I was not keen, Philip told me social services in Jersey were different and better and asked me to meet with him and a social worker and discuss what had been happening.
• I have to tell you, Philip was extremely good in following procedure and safeguarding, he obeyed normal procedures for safeguarding survivors and vulnerable people, credit to him, he really did good work during the time when I broke the news of the abuse to the Dean and Autism Jersey and the Police.

• The Dean was obstructive, as I said, but he said he had consulted his lawyers and 'if we thought we had a complaint we should go to the police', basically he didn't want to deal with it, and had made that quite clear when he saw me briefly after seeing the churchwarden and his wife, he said 'Isn't abuse a bit of a harsh word for it?' etc.
• well this was what Philip and the Social worker wanted, my friend Anne said that 'complaints tended to make things worse' and I was really quite anxious, but as we had brought the matter up, and the Dean was being obstructive, I considered Philip's suggestion that we did indeed go to the police, and so we did, with the social worker.
• We had an initial interview at the police station, we saw a grinning DC with rolled up sleeves, he was all grinning, like he was happy. He had a grey and white striped shirt.
• While we were there, he want to get something and I was rootling nosily and the toy box and I found a toy horse, which I held onto while I talked to the DC.
• When we left he told us there would be a delay because of the Haute de la Garenne matter taking up all the officers' time.
• I accidentally took the toy horse with me, and I love to tell people I stole a horse of the police, but I am pretty sure I asked permission to keep it at some point.

• Now, while the delay in further interview went on, I was suffering because the churchwarden and his wife and the Vicar and his wife had been maligning me because I had reported the churchwarden, this is the reality of what Jane Fisher made out to be paranoia and untrue, and Korris decided from the defensive and untrue answers she got, that nothing had happened, but the reality is, I have emails from Jane Fisher that prove that this did happen! 
• Anyway, I was being shunned, it was impossible to avoid the churchwarden and his wife in the community,  and life was impossible, so, as Philip and I waited for the police to make arrangements to see me, we came up with an idea.
• How I was going to go ahead with this idea, I did not know, but we decided I should go to England for a few weeks, recover a bit and come back.
• Easier said than done.

• I had no one to go to in England, my family had more than enough problems, I had no friends who could have me to stay for weeks, Anne was too ill and no one else was available, and so I was stumped, and I had very little money.
• My sister phoned me and told me her friends in Eastliegh had a room to rent and would I be interested?
• I told her it was only short term and I needed to come back to Jersey even just for interviews, and she said that was fine but they needed a decision straight away, and so I rushed into a decision when I wasn't in a fit state to.
• My landlady refused to accept that this was an emergency and that I could not not go and also could not keep a tenancy in Jersey and in Eastliegh, because I simply did not have the money, I was only working part time in Jersey.
• The landlady was angry, obstructive and nasty and tried to prevent me leaving, as a result I had to dump most of my posessions in her shed and she wouldn't let me have them back. It just goes to show, no amount of incense sticks, yoga and  organic food and 'spirituality' makes someone nice, so basically I fled, she got to keep the deposit and the overpayment of rent but she was still unpleasent about it.
• And so I started 6 weeks in England. In Spetember 2008, Which, at the height of the recession, wasn't any better than Jersey.