I have gone on with my life, but am waiting for the public murder of me by Jane Fisher's Diocese of Winchester, in the form of the publication of the biased reports that omit my story, my story which is barely published on this blog.
One way or another, after the onslaught of the diocese against me in 2010 and 2011, it was always inevitable that the Diocese of Winchester in their harm of me would kill me, and I always did expect them to relaunch on me as I fled them in 2011, and I always knew that I could not really recover from their actions against me, which were too severely damaging.
I have lived a half-life and lived in fear.
I have suffered horribly because of the Korris rubbish, and have waited to be destroyed publicly by the Steel (Bailhache) report and John Gladwin's equally biased report that he never got my side of the story for.
Gladwin and Steel have made negative investigations that damn me and exclude my story, and I know that I cannot survive further public libel, maligning and condemning, further jeers by the Jersey Deanery when this rubbish is published, and further cover-ups that protect Jane Fisher's wrongdoing at my expense, my soul is already too broken to survive any more.
I live condemned, shamed and judged on earth, and I have waited so long for God to be merciful and release me from this condemnation, but it seems He would leave it until I am publicly crucified by Gladwin and Steel.
I don't actually understand, why is the Steel report being released when the Diocese took out an unjunction against themselves to stop themselves publishing it? why are they having it published when I made a complaint that it is conflicted and against me and omit's my side? why would they publish it, not having ensured it is balanced by my side of things being added?
Especially seeing as they had me traced and launched all this claiming it was a safeguarding investigation, and yet, have omitted me, including John Gladwin omitting me after a brief 'show' meeting that Bob forced on them?
Saturday, 25 January 2014
The Korris report 1.
I am going to upset Uncle Bob by talking about the Korris report again.
Uncle Bob is in favour of the Korris report, because he says it is in my favour.
But I am not in favour of it because it is very inaccurate, muddles up times and thus blurs the full situation and makes it unclear, it also omits my views and those of the Churchwarden.
Other things that just annoy me about the Korris report are: she was not adequately qualified to carry it out, it was not an independent report but was influenced by Jane Fisher, who was keen to cover up her henious behaviour, and the Korris report was meant to imitate the Chichester investigation but carried out by someone not qualified and not independent, I have a strong feeling it was hoped by Jane Fisher to come out against me, credit to Korris for ensuring it didn't, but she was not qualified, as a counsellor who does church of england contracts to carry out the report, and as she does Church contracts, it was not independent.
If anyone argues that Korris was qualified because she was a counsellor, that does not qualify her, and that is backed by the fact that she had to refer to psychiatric books, Butler-Sloss etc and had no understanding of autism, even in the report, where she apparently claims me to not fit the criteria? even though she has never met me and did not understand my spectrum or the fact that I do not approach people in social situations but if people approach me, they can eventually build a relationship with me.
An example of this is me sitting alone in st.A's and being approached by the churchwarden each time. I would never have approached him.
One of the things that helps me to build relationships is volunteering and church and community tasks, St. 's rubbished me as disabled and not of worth as a helper or church member, but in Jersey I was able to take part in activities elsewhere where I could communicate through the activities.
Korris, It was not a well done or professionally executed report, lacking in clear chronology and influenced by the evidence provided by Fisher, who had her own agenda, and possibly Philip leClaire and his dodgy memory! (you are still a sealion, man!) and it has seriously harmed me emotionally, and had my friends not stepped in, it would have driven me to suicide as it is so damaging and incorrect.
You cannot do a report that changes real life into something it wasn't and not expect people concerned not to be adversely affected.
Uncle Bob is in favour of the Korris report, because he says it is in my favour.
But I am not in favour of it because it is very inaccurate, muddles up times and thus blurs the full situation and makes it unclear, it also omits my views and those of the Churchwarden.
Other things that just annoy me about the Korris report are: she was not adequately qualified to carry it out, it was not an independent report but was influenced by Jane Fisher, who was keen to cover up her henious behaviour, and the Korris report was meant to imitate the Chichester investigation but carried out by someone not qualified and not independent, I have a strong feeling it was hoped by Jane Fisher to come out against me, credit to Korris for ensuring it didn't, but she was not qualified, as a counsellor who does church of england contracts to carry out the report, and as she does Church contracts, it was not independent.
If anyone argues that Korris was qualified because she was a counsellor, that does not qualify her, and that is backed by the fact that she had to refer to psychiatric books, Butler-Sloss etc and had no understanding of autism, even in the report, where she apparently claims me to not fit the criteria? even though she has never met me and did not understand my spectrum or the fact that I do not approach people in social situations but if people approach me, they can eventually build a relationship with me.
An example of this is me sitting alone in st.A's and being approached by the churchwarden each time. I would never have approached him.
One of the things that helps me to build relationships is volunteering and church and community tasks, St. 's rubbished me as disabled and not of worth as a helper or church member, but in Jersey I was able to take part in activities elsewhere where I could communicate through the activities.
Korris, It was not a well done or professionally executed report, lacking in clear chronology and influenced by the evidence provided by Fisher, who had her own agenda, and possibly Philip leClaire and his dodgy memory! (you are still a sealion, man!) and it has seriously harmed me emotionally, and had my friends not stepped in, it would have driven me to suicide as it is so damaging and incorrect.
You cannot do a report that changes real life into something it wasn't and not expect people concerned not to be adversely affected.
Another plea to the Diocese
Dear Bishop and Diocese of Winchester,
I am asking you for my life and freedom .
I live here, in poverty but generally fed and clean and looking after myself well. My only barriers are that poverty makes accessing some things harder and I daren't use NHS medical services as a result of you tracing me through the police and because I have no been treated well by the NHS as a result of your repeated attempts to have me sectioned.
I like my home, I like watching movies and sleeping in my soft duvet when I overcome my terror and manage to sleep, I like making cups of tea and going for gentle walks.
Please, do not harm me further by interventions and press releases and threats, let me go on living and don't intervene further.
You have significantly reduced my quality of life through your actions over the years, and you should be satisfied with that and feel no need to further injure and damage me.
I dislike unsolicited interventions, and as an adult human being, I have a right to protest your interventions and that harm that they inflict.
sincerely,
HG
I am asking you for my life and freedom .
I live here, in poverty but generally fed and clean and looking after myself well. My only barriers are that poverty makes accessing some things harder and I daren't use NHS medical services as a result of you tracing me through the police and because I have no been treated well by the NHS as a result of your repeated attempts to have me sectioned.
I like my home, I like watching movies and sleeping in my soft duvet when I overcome my terror and manage to sleep, I like making cups of tea and going for gentle walks.
Please, do not harm me further by interventions and press releases and threats, let me go on living and don't intervene further.
You have significantly reduced my quality of life through your actions over the years, and you should be satisfied with that and feel no need to further injure and damage me.
I dislike unsolicited interventions, and as an adult human being, I have a right to protest your interventions and that harm that they inflict.
sincerely,
HG
Friday, 24 January 2014
blogs on the split
Tony and Bob's blogs are about the Jersey-Winchester split
http://tonymusings.blogspot.co.uk/
http://bobhilljersey.blogspot.co.uk/
http://tonymusings.blogspot.co.uk/
http://bobhilljersey.blogspot.co.uk/
bereft
I woke at 4.20am, which at least means I will get where I am going today safely.
I woke and thought about how, in the time after leaving the churchwarden and reporting him, I was bereft, because losing my 'adoptive family', wasn't nothing, it was a huge blow, and I still wanted to be a 'daughter' and 'belong' somewhere, although the churchwarden's wife had made it clear I never 'belonged' there.
I remember how she did things like telling me how her sons would never do the kind of work I did, even when they were students.
It's always nice to be belittled.
Not.
I woke and thought about how, in the time after leaving the churchwarden and reporting him, I was bereft, because losing my 'adoptive family', wasn't nothing, it was a huge blow, and I still wanted to be a 'daughter' and 'belong' somewhere, although the churchwarden's wife had made it clear I never 'belonged' there.
I remember how she did things like telling me how her sons would never do the kind of work I did, even when they were students.
It's always nice to be belittled.
Not.
Thursday, 23 January 2014
appeal for (good) advice
I have found that often, if I ask for advice instead of worrying alone, I sometimes get some insight that I would not have come up with on my own.
This is the situation.
I feel ill a lot, I have things I want scanned, my leg, my spine, because I think that lump needs cutting out, and my neck, to see if more can be done, and I want advice as I can't seem to improve my health and fitness and am tired and in pain a lot.
I don't feel able to see an NHS doctor as they tend to be running late, impatient, keep inaccurate records and don't do much, I also daren't be traced by police and diocese through seeing a doctor, as appears to have happened in March.
I cannot really afford a private doctor and am not sure if they refer to your NHS records anyway, and if I needed a refferal for scans from a private doctor, it would be private and I couldn't afford it.
Any advice? Apart from going to the NHS, or a walk in clinic, which is the same thing, I need proper help and not to be traced.
This is the situation.
I feel ill a lot, I have things I want scanned, my leg, my spine, because I think that lump needs cutting out, and my neck, to see if more can be done, and I want advice as I can't seem to improve my health and fitness and am tired and in pain a lot.
I don't feel able to see an NHS doctor as they tend to be running late, impatient, keep inaccurate records and don't do much, I also daren't be traced by police and diocese through seeing a doctor, as appears to have happened in March.
I cannot really afford a private doctor and am not sure if they refer to your NHS records anyway, and if I needed a refferal for scans from a private doctor, it would be private and I couldn't afford it.
Any advice? Apart from going to the NHS, or a walk in clinic, which is the same thing, I need proper help and not to be traced.
It's all change -bad poetry, breaks the rules :)
It's all change for the Isles
we are converting from granite to chalk
We thought of a holiday in Europe
But that was all just talk
We made a big annoucement
we want to cause a stir
we are rebelling against our Master
and all because of 'her'
So wave fond goodbye to Uncle Tim
we know better, are better without Him
We need someone who agrees with us
so off we go to Dover, to end all the fuss!
we are converting from granite to chalk
We thought of a holiday in Europe
But that was all just talk
We made a big annoucement
we want to cause a stir
we are rebelling against our Master
and all because of 'her'
So wave fond goodbye to Uncle Tim
we know better, are better without Him
We need someone who agrees with us
so off we go to Dover, to end all the fuss!
Wednesday, 22 January 2014
lets bust another miff
Hi, I think I may have been ill today because of an asthma attack coming on, it hit suddenly with force this evening, but thankfully I had inhalers in my tin.
Miffs about me being housed:
Some people are a bit confused about me being housed.
The Church of England and the wrecking-ball Diocese DID NOT play a part in me being housed.
I was housed due to fatigue, and with friendly safe help. I was housed voluntarily and without threats, intimidation or warnings, I chose to be housed, and I am grateful to those who helped to arrange it. It was nothing to do with the church.
I am housed on condition that the Diocese leave me alone, if they harass me I will walk out and sleep rough and fight them from the streets. This will majorly annoy a lot of people.
If the diocese attack me with the police, they will again leave me homeless, and this is one of the reasons I have stayed homeless for so long, because the diocese have not been restrained from harming me further and thus I saw no point in battling to be housed because the diocese could continue to harm me and if I fought back or even if I didn't, they could lose me my home, again, and after everything I lost in Jersey, what would be the point in going through it again.
I am housed now because the diocese cannot get away with as much as before, because people know.
I am still very afraid of being indoors at night and feel trapped, and afraid that I will wake up on that police cell floor that haunts my nightmares, I suffer such anxiety that sleep is difficult and I still have bad dreams and terrors and flashbacks at night.
However, I am making progress with coping.
Miffs about me being housed:
Some people are a bit confused about me being housed.
The Church of England and the wrecking-ball Diocese DID NOT play a part in me being housed.
I was housed due to fatigue, and with friendly safe help. I was housed voluntarily and without threats, intimidation or warnings, I chose to be housed, and I am grateful to those who helped to arrange it. It was nothing to do with the church.
I am housed on condition that the Diocese leave me alone, if they harass me I will walk out and sleep rough and fight them from the streets. This will majorly annoy a lot of people.
If the diocese attack me with the police, they will again leave me homeless, and this is one of the reasons I have stayed homeless for so long, because the diocese have not been restrained from harming me further and thus I saw no point in battling to be housed because the diocese could continue to harm me and if I fought back or even if I didn't, they could lose me my home, again, and after everything I lost in Jersey, what would be the point in going through it again.
I am housed now because the diocese cannot get away with as much as before, because people know.
I am still very afraid of being indoors at night and feel trapped, and afraid that I will wake up on that police cell floor that haunts my nightmares, I suffer such anxiety that sleep is difficult and I still have bad dreams and terrors and flashbacks at night.
However, I am making progress with coping.
obliged
I am being asked to comment on the Channel Islands.
Well, they are little islands somewhere near France.
Seriously though, I am really not feeling well, today my energy just suddenly went, as it does sometimes, I am not walking any better than I was first thing this morning, when usually I walk better as the morning goes on, I am in pain, my back where the tumour thing is, hurts, and I am just so tired and I feel unwell.
So the Channel Isles can look after themselves until tomorrow, because I am in bed, in my new pyjamas, real pyjamas! :) and I will at least try to sleep soon, but for now I will sit in bed and rest and read.
Well, they are little islands somewhere near France.
Seriously though, I am really not feeling well, today my energy just suddenly went, as it does sometimes, I am not walking any better than I was first thing this morning, when usually I walk better as the morning goes on, I am in pain, my back where the tumour thing is, hurts, and I am just so tired and I feel unwell.
So the Channel Isles can look after themselves until tomorrow, because I am in bed, in my new pyjamas, real pyjamas! :) and I will at least try to sleep soon, but for now I will sit in bed and rest and read.
Adieu, adieu,
quand ils ont libéré l'île, ils ont oublièrent les États
quand ils reviennent avec leur fierté allée, l'évêque auront leur retour ?
Si vous vous retrouvez avec une revolusion chaque fois que l'abus est signalé, puis où finit-elle ?
L'évêque ne devrait pas avoir fait ce qu'il fit en lançant publiquement sur eux ou moi.
save the blog
would those who save and print the blog please do that today?
I can tell you something, being flung into court after 24 hours in the cells and not being able to produce your own evidence and being treated as if you are insane is not justice, and is not safeguarding, shame on those so called Christians.
The Diocese are undoubtedly not going to leave me alone because I am speaking out, and as the police act for them and treat me as if I am mad and bad, it is not a fair trial, is not justice and they do not remotely Christian.
But inevitably as they continue to harm me from their positions of power, they will kill me, my life is crippled and I live in fear and unable to defend myself, and they will find a way to 'make me dissapear', so save the blog, and when I do 'dissapear', speak up for me, and if we can only see Jane Fisher removed as a result, then it will make the church safer for vulnerable people, and it will have been worth losing my life, in every sense.
I will never get out of poverty, pain and living in fear, so if I do face further beatings and detentions, it will kill me at some point, in all seriousness, I am worn down and damaged and tired, I do not mind losing my life if Jane Fisher is removed from working with vulnerable people.
I can tell you something, being flung into court after 24 hours in the cells and not being able to produce your own evidence and being treated as if you are insane is not justice, and is not safeguarding, shame on those so called Christians.
The Diocese are undoubtedly not going to leave me alone because I am speaking out, and as the police act for them and treat me as if I am mad and bad, it is not a fair trial, is not justice and they do not remotely Christian.
But inevitably as they continue to harm me from their positions of power, they will kill me, my life is crippled and I live in fear and unable to defend myself, and they will find a way to 'make me dissapear', so save the blog, and when I do 'dissapear', speak up for me, and if we can only see Jane Fisher removed as a result, then it will make the church safer for vulnerable people, and it will have been worth losing my life, in every sense.
I will never get out of poverty, pain and living in fear, so if I do face further beatings and detentions, it will kill me at some point, in all seriousness, I am worn down and damaged and tired, I do not mind losing my life if Jane Fisher is removed from working with vulnerable people.
Terrible, a disgrace
I am supposed to be showering and going out. But here I am, blogging.
Jane Fisher and Michael Scott-Joynt, when I was homeless in winchester, kept telling me I was to blame, especially Scott-Joynt, they kept illegally violating my privacy with homeless and other authorities.
In Sussex they told the court they had 'felt sorry for me' and 'tried to help me with housing', even though, and I have the evidence, they did not have my consent, and with full knowledge that every time they interfered, I lost the help of any service where they interfered and would either be rejected or flee.
Don't be under any illusion from whatever the Korris report says, about Sussex, I continued to fight back to Fisher, and she and Scott-Joynt tried to do what they failed to do in Winchester and have me put away, and failed again. Because basically, I was not mad, not to blame for their utter failure to safeguard me, I was deeply traumatized and wanted a) for my complaints to be taken seriously and dealt with and b) to know I was safe from further interference;
as the violations behind my back with authorities and services had left me traumatized and feeling unsafe, I am autistic and cannot work out what people are going to do next if they spend years violating me behind my back and leaving my life completely destabilized with no clear future or safety.
Jane Fisher brought charges against me in Sussex, not for the diocese, because I was not in contact with them, I was in contact with her, because she had consistently harmed me, and I did not believe she would stop, she brought charges in liason with Micheal Scott-Joynt, with an attempt to make it look separate, but the fact I had spoken to Hampshire police a few weeks earlier showed that up, their efforts were to have me put away. they failed.
It remains horrifying that despite my pleas, no effort was made to protect me from further interference from the diocese, to which I would respond with fury and fear as I had so far.
Jane Fisher was free to continue to come after me and interfere with my access to authorities, and I was helpless to defend myself and marked by the record she got me.
Basically that is why the diocese were able to launch on me with the police last year and I was helpless.
This is injustice to extremes, being traced and violated by the diocese last year and threatened by the Bishop for pleading to be left alone.
It makes their whole investigation in Jersey a complete sham, because there has been no investigation into Jane Fisher and Michael Scott-Joynt, instead, I am not just left permenantly branded and without hope or quality of life, and living in fear of the Diocese and their police, I am further branded by what they did last year and the villification of me by the Jersey Deanery.
Basically, I was not and am not mad, but due to the sudden and random relaunch onto me by the diocese in March last year, a continuation of the violations of my human rights and privacy, I was justified in being concerned about having no protection from the Diocese and what they would come up with to harm me next.
I was and am severely traumatized, which is why I answered back personally to the diocese in 2010 and 11, and why I blog now, because basically, my human right is for my side to be heard, and the diocese, then and now, don't want me to be heard, would not and do not listen, and will only continue their agenda, which harms me.
The fact that Jane Fisher is reading this blog and undoubtely wont like what she reads and will find further ways of covering up, absolving herself at my expense and probably having me further beaten and locked up, branded and traumatized, and there is only so much I can take before I cannot recover, and I am close to that, tells me that I probably never will escape harm at the hands of the Diocese of Winchester.
Jane Fisher and Michael Scott-Joynt, when I was homeless in winchester, kept telling me I was to blame, especially Scott-Joynt, they kept illegally violating my privacy with homeless and other authorities.
In Sussex they told the court they had 'felt sorry for me' and 'tried to help me with housing', even though, and I have the evidence, they did not have my consent, and with full knowledge that every time they interfered, I lost the help of any service where they interfered and would either be rejected or flee.
Don't be under any illusion from whatever the Korris report says, about Sussex, I continued to fight back to Fisher, and she and Scott-Joynt tried to do what they failed to do in Winchester and have me put away, and failed again. Because basically, I was not mad, not to blame for their utter failure to safeguard me, I was deeply traumatized and wanted a) for my complaints to be taken seriously and dealt with and b) to know I was safe from further interference;
as the violations behind my back with authorities and services had left me traumatized and feeling unsafe, I am autistic and cannot work out what people are going to do next if they spend years violating me behind my back and leaving my life completely destabilized with no clear future or safety.
Jane Fisher brought charges against me in Sussex, not for the diocese, because I was not in contact with them, I was in contact with her, because she had consistently harmed me, and I did not believe she would stop, she brought charges in liason with Micheal Scott-Joynt, with an attempt to make it look separate, but the fact I had spoken to Hampshire police a few weeks earlier showed that up, their efforts were to have me put away. they failed.
It remains horrifying that despite my pleas, no effort was made to protect me from further interference from the diocese, to which I would respond with fury and fear as I had so far.
Jane Fisher was free to continue to come after me and interfere with my access to authorities, and I was helpless to defend myself and marked by the record she got me.
Basically that is why the diocese were able to launch on me with the police last year and I was helpless.
This is injustice to extremes, being traced and violated by the diocese last year and threatened by the Bishop for pleading to be left alone.
It makes their whole investigation in Jersey a complete sham, because there has been no investigation into Jane Fisher and Michael Scott-Joynt, instead, I am not just left permenantly branded and without hope or quality of life, and living in fear of the Diocese and their police, I am further branded by what they did last year and the villification of me by the Jersey Deanery.
Basically, I was not and am not mad, but due to the sudden and random relaunch onto me by the diocese in March last year, a continuation of the violations of my human rights and privacy, I was justified in being concerned about having no protection from the Diocese and what they would come up with to harm me next.
I was and am severely traumatized, which is why I answered back personally to the diocese in 2010 and 11, and why I blog now, because basically, my human right is for my side to be heard, and the diocese, then and now, don't want me to be heard, would not and do not listen, and will only continue their agenda, which harms me.
The fact that Jane Fisher is reading this blog and undoubtely wont like what she reads and will find further ways of covering up, absolving herself at my expense and probably having me further beaten and locked up, branded and traumatized, and there is only so much I can take before I cannot recover, and I am close to that, tells me that I probably never will escape harm at the hands of the Diocese of Winchester.
Just me?
I don't usually engage with the Jersey Deanery's condemnation of me, because basically my answer wont change their view any more than Jesus could change the Pharisees' view, and because, as my counsellor used to say to me, I know the truth of my story.
If I was just a serial troublemaker and 'wicked' as the Dean said, why did the Lihous want to be in contact with me in Jersey, why did they send me chocolate (apart from showing off, because it was from Switzerland) and why did they come to meet me and ask me to go back and stay with them while I was in Jersey?
Why did Jill Lihou phone me every single night when I had moved to Dorset, and why did they come and see me in Dorset?
Why did the Lihous leave me in charge of their house while they were away, twice, once when they went on holiday and once when they were staying at Phil and Heather Warren's rectory in Jersey and looking after their grandchildren?
Why did other people in the Lihou's church also have me to house sit and garden for them if I was some random troublemaker?
Why did JM take me to New Zealand in 2005 instead of taking her husband with her, when she was having a sabattical without him? when she gave me her mobile number while she was on sabattical but no-one else in her congregation could contact her?
Why did JM walk with me ever single morning for years if I was just a troublemaker?
Why did JM invite me to stay with her twice while I was in Jersey, once in the autumn and once at Easter, even though she knew about me and her husband?
When did I become a random troublemaker?
Well, when I first spoke to the churchwarden about his church, and was getting very distressed about what he was doing, and he was having conversations with the Vicar and his wife about me and explaining away but no-one was prepared to actually speak to me, the churchwarden had met the Lihous, knew they were heather Warren's parents, knew I didn't get on well with Heather Warren's parents, probably decided that could be used against me. He also knew from questioning me deeply about having been abused before, that JM's husband had abused me, and when JM was involved, which was before I told the Dean he could contact her, she was involved by the Churchwarden and the Dean, who tried to use her to get me to hush, but I didn't hush, she told the churchwarden he had done wrong things, but she continued to be involved, behind my ack and without my consent, and her husband's misconduct was brought into it, and to the attention of the diocese eventually.
At which point, all these problems were lumped together as me being a troublemaker.
At the time, it was repeatedly ignored that I had many friendships that were not unhealthy or abusive, but, most of my friendships were with people in the church of England, mainly in Hampshire, and the Diocese wiped these out by interference, and 'warning' people about me when I returned to Hampshire from Jersey in 2010. The level of emotional damage done to me by that has been horrific, but as long as the Diocese covered their back and left me branded, while both the churchwarden and JM's husband went on being protected by the church and unpunished, that's all that matters, right?
Friendships of 10 years and more, and love and trust wiped out, do not matter to the Diocese, just as I do not matter, my thoughts, feelings and humanity do not matter, as long as I am branded so that they are not liable.
And as for the Churchwarden and FM, and JM and the Dean and all those who have branded me and protected the two abusers, of course what they have done doesn't matter, as long as they say their lines on Sunday and remain respected members of the church.
This is why the Diocese of Winchester remains without either Christianity or Safeguarding.
Because I remain ruined, branded and condemned, unheard and still walked over by the Diocese.
Neither of the abusers have been or would be, thrown to the ground by the police and locked in a cell and jeered at, you do that to traumatized abuse survivors, not gentleman freemasons.
If I was just a serial troublemaker and 'wicked' as the Dean said, why did the Lihous want to be in contact with me in Jersey, why did they send me chocolate (apart from showing off, because it was from Switzerland) and why did they come to meet me and ask me to go back and stay with them while I was in Jersey?
Why did Jill Lihou phone me every single night when I had moved to Dorset, and why did they come and see me in Dorset?
Why did the Lihous leave me in charge of their house while they were away, twice, once when they went on holiday and once when they were staying at Phil and Heather Warren's rectory in Jersey and looking after their grandchildren?
Why did other people in the Lihou's church also have me to house sit and garden for them if I was some random troublemaker?
Why did JM take me to New Zealand in 2005 instead of taking her husband with her, when she was having a sabattical without him? when she gave me her mobile number while she was on sabattical but no-one else in her congregation could contact her?
Why did JM walk with me ever single morning for years if I was just a troublemaker?
Why did JM invite me to stay with her twice while I was in Jersey, once in the autumn and once at Easter, even though she knew about me and her husband?
When did I become a random troublemaker?
Well, when I first spoke to the churchwarden about his church, and was getting very distressed about what he was doing, and he was having conversations with the Vicar and his wife about me and explaining away but no-one was prepared to actually speak to me, the churchwarden had met the Lihous, knew they were heather Warren's parents, knew I didn't get on well with Heather Warren's parents, probably decided that could be used against me. He also knew from questioning me deeply about having been abused before, that JM's husband had abused me, and when JM was involved, which was before I told the Dean he could contact her, she was involved by the Churchwarden and the Dean, who tried to use her to get me to hush, but I didn't hush, she told the churchwarden he had done wrong things, but she continued to be involved, behind my ack and without my consent, and her husband's misconduct was brought into it, and to the attention of the diocese eventually.
At which point, all these problems were lumped together as me being a troublemaker.
At the time, it was repeatedly ignored that I had many friendships that were not unhealthy or abusive, but, most of my friendships were with people in the church of England, mainly in Hampshire, and the Diocese wiped these out by interference, and 'warning' people about me when I returned to Hampshire from Jersey in 2010. The level of emotional damage done to me by that has been horrific, but as long as the Diocese covered their back and left me branded, while both the churchwarden and JM's husband went on being protected by the church and unpunished, that's all that matters, right?
Friendships of 10 years and more, and love and trust wiped out, do not matter to the Diocese, just as I do not matter, my thoughts, feelings and humanity do not matter, as long as I am branded so that they are not liable.
And as for the Churchwarden and FM, and JM and the Dean and all those who have branded me and protected the two abusers, of course what they have done doesn't matter, as long as they say their lines on Sunday and remain respected members of the church.
This is why the Diocese of Winchester remains without either Christianity or Safeguarding.
Because I remain ruined, branded and condemned, unheard and still walked over by the Diocese.
Neither of the abusers have been or would be, thrown to the ground by the police and locked in a cell and jeered at, you do that to traumatized abuse survivors, not gentleman freemasons.
Tuesday, 21 January 2014
Whoops, I seem to have awoken the sleeping diocese, what now? Southampton stats on the feed, not deleted. I have a feeling they are looking for further charges to bring against me to silence my blog, Stuart Syvret, are you reading this? could I have your advice? :)
Isn't it embarrassing that I have busted a miff or two? :)
Oh, is it my trip to a certain isle that has them watching the blog?
I am 5 away from 10,000 views on the blog, don't want to miss that milestone :)
Isn't it embarrassing that I have busted a miff or two? :)
Oh, is it my trip to a certain isle that has them watching the blog?
I am 5 away from 10,000 views on the blog, don't want to miss that milestone :)
lets bust this miff
there is a miff that I took an injunction against the Diocese to stop the Steel report.
Well I feel miffed about it anyway, because.
I did not and could not have stopped the Steel report.
I wrote the Diocese a legal letter because their constant interference and illegal referrals of me to agencies such as the NSPCC was an intrusion and a violation of my life, I was indeed aware from Bob Hill of how hostile Dame Steel was and how she had biased the report against me and was not interested in my side of things.
But, when you have no money, and legal aid will only be granted for certain things, taking out an injunction for a report that you cannot verify the contents of, is not possible.
In November, when all this was going on, I was exhausted from Post Viral fatigue, which I thought was the return of the M.E/fibromyalgia illness I had when I was younger, I was not well, and I was being driven mad by the Church of England's arrogant intusions and illegal arrangements for me without my consent, and so was entitled to legally warn them, ask the police for assistance, and if necessary take out an injunction for harassment, I did not take out an injunction at the time, and did not prevent the Steel report being published, this is not to say that I will not take out an injunction of the Diocese do not stop harming me, but, in true Church of England Style, the Bishop's chaplain is also a trained barrister, I bet he and the Jersey clergy-lawyers have been having great fun over all this.
And Jesus looked on in disbelief.
If the Church of England claim to have been legally stopped from publishing the report, I am curious as to who stopped them, it would not be anyone in Jersey, as the report was done on behalf of the Jersey contingent, it was not me, as I was powerless, and who in the Diocese would know what was in the report to prevent it being published? The only person with a vested interest, who has committed misconduct, would be Jane Fisher, I guess, or Michael Scott-Joynt. But how would Bishop Scott-Joynt know the content of the report?
Well I feel miffed about it anyway, because.
I did not and could not have stopped the Steel report.
I wrote the Diocese a legal letter because their constant interference and illegal referrals of me to agencies such as the NSPCC was an intrusion and a violation of my life, I was indeed aware from Bob Hill of how hostile Dame Steel was and how she had biased the report against me and was not interested in my side of things.
But, when you have no money, and legal aid will only be granted for certain things, taking out an injunction for a report that you cannot verify the contents of, is not possible.
In November, when all this was going on, I was exhausted from Post Viral fatigue, which I thought was the return of the M.E/fibromyalgia illness I had when I was younger, I was not well, and I was being driven mad by the Church of England's arrogant intusions and illegal arrangements for me without my consent, and so was entitled to legally warn them, ask the police for assistance, and if necessary take out an injunction for harassment, I did not take out an injunction at the time, and did not prevent the Steel report being published, this is not to say that I will not take out an injunction of the Diocese do not stop harming me, but, in true Church of England Style, the Bishop's chaplain is also a trained barrister, I bet he and the Jersey clergy-lawyers have been having great fun over all this.
And Jesus looked on in disbelief.
If the Church of England claim to have been legally stopped from publishing the report, I am curious as to who stopped them, it would not be anyone in Jersey, as the report was done on behalf of the Jersey contingent, it was not me, as I was powerless, and who in the Diocese would know what was in the report to prevent it being published? The only person with a vested interest, who has committed misconduct, would be Jane Fisher, I guess, or Michael Scott-Joynt. But how would Bishop Scott-Joynt know the content of the report?
Monday, 20 January 2014
email from JM after her conversations with the churchwarden in Jersey
This email below is interesting, it is from JM, before she continued to be involved with the Churchwarden and the Dean. Interestingly enough, these initial reactions from her were similar to when I first told her about her husband abusing me 7 years earlier, her initial reaction then was to tell me that his daughter had also made allegations and that the reason he was impotent was because she had taken to refusing him sex because of his violent temper, then she went into denial and blamed me, just as she did with the Jersey situation as she and the Dean and the Churchwarden couple joined forces, and called me wicked, a malicious troublemaker and a serial liar who made allegations when I didn't get what I wanted.
Just to add, the only reason I was not sure about continuing a complaint was that I was really unwell with stress and depression and trauma from what had happened, and both JM and the Dean were pushing how upset and misunderstood the churchwarden couple were.
Just to add, the only reason I was not sure about continuing a complaint was that I was really unwell with stress and depression and trauma from what had happened, and both JM and the Dean were pushing how upset and misunderstood the churchwarden couple were.
21/08/08
Dear ******,
I am perfectly clear about what you were seeking with R & J, I know that adult sex was the last thing on your mind. I am sure that you did repeatedly tell **** when he was off limits. I alos know that he told me that he thought that your problems were of a sexual nature and that by talking to you about your early sexual experiences he could help you through it – that is dreadful and it runs the risk of repeating any original abuse, I cannot prove what you say about his intent, (although I do not disbelieve you, but it does cast some serious concerns about his behaviour and intent – at the very least it was naïve, inappropriate and stupid.
Where I think you lack understanding is about the nature of men.
When you want to be cuddled and suck your thumb you want to be, and in your mind are, a very young child. The man on the other hand is holding the body of a young woman – it is more than likely that he will be sexually aroused by the experience. In the case of an evangelical Christian like ****, who should have a clear underatnding of where the boundaries come, it would be an easy step to justify continuing, or even increasing such activity because it seemed to be helping you, and that it was all part of ‘loving’ you into being healed.
For you there is a clear distinction between the kind of contact you want and the sort that **** was drifting towards.
Do you remember a few years ago there was outrage when a judge convicting a man of sexual abuse of a twelve year old girl said that the girl herself was ‘no angel’. I think the judge did not understand that abused children often relate to men in a seductive way, it is not deliberate or conscious, but it is the way they have learned to achieve ‘love’ and approval. I believe that your adoration of ****, which was in itself entirely innocent, gave him a huge ego boost, it made him feel good, and it also gave him power over you – sorting your life and finances out etc. That cocktail is very seductive, and under those circumstances your refusal of sexual intimacy but wanting to continue the physical intimacy could be seen as being a tease. I suspect that ***** was more aware and detached than ****, and saw you as dangerous and divisive – I am also fairly sure that **** would not have taken her warnings seriously.
**** should have known better, you have always made it clear that you are not ready for an adult sexual relationship, and he was not in a position to offer such a relationship even if you had wanted it. The very idea that breaking through any sexual barriers you have would cure you of all your problems is wildly over simplistic and dangerous.
If you think about the relationships you have which have been, and continue to be, very good they are often where you relate well to both husband and wife – (8 names redacted) etc, none of those men would try to enter into a ‘Daddy –daughter’ relationship with you in the way that ****did because they don’t have need to. Whether **** needs to be a saviour – the one who could cure ***** of all her problems, or whether he simply got a kick out of a physical relationship based on need and dependency, I don’t know.
At the end the day, I think that you are right to see that ‘regressing’ with **** was unhelpful – regression can be OK if it is done as part of therapy in a situation of safety with clear boundaries and with someone who knows what they are doing, it is not something amateurs should attempt.
I know that you need to be a child sometimes, but you are also a bright, funny, assertive, lovely and very appealing young woman too, I continue to pray and hope, that you will find a way to inhabit your adult self with greater comfort and ease.
I think one of the things that most worries me is that you tend to veer towards total condemnation, and while your comments about **** have wavered between condemnation, and the hurt and pain of so much wounded hope and lost love, you also seem to feel that you have done awful things and are therefore an awful person. I would want to put this one into the category of a mistake, from which you have learned and will continue to learn. You were sucked into a delusion, a promise which could not be met, and it is hardly surprising that you have responded with anger and the desire to hurt the person who built your hopes so high only to smash them down, but even now you are saying that you feel you could drop the complaint. I think, whatever happens, you will have achieved what you needed to do, to ensure that **** realizes that he must never do this to anyone else.
If **** tries defamation of character against you he will find himself really up against me, he should think himself lucky to have simply had his fingers burned, and learn a little wisdom from the experience.
I hope this makes sense to you. I don’t find it easy to think in black and white terms, the world is much more grey and complicated than that.
I love you lots and am thinking of you and praying for you.
******
Revd ****** ********
Again, before JM teamed up with the Dean and the churchwarden to damn me because her husband's behaviour got brought into things, JM had known about what I told her about her husband for 7 years by then and still blamed me even though his daughter also made allegations, but we remained friends
12/08/08
Dear ******,
Of course you belong somewhere, I just believe it will be on a much more equal basis, not one based on need on either side which can so easily become exploiting – I hope you understand what I mean by that – it is basically that you were locked into a dodgy relationship, even when you had bad feelings about what was happening, because you so wanted/needed it to be alright.
You have a lot to offer another person/people, and you have a personality which attracts people in good ways, - just think about how there have always been people there for you even when times have been bad. One day you will make your dream come true not by finding some saintly person/people who want someone they can do good to, but by accepting yourself as being good enough, and realizing that you can both give and receive love and support with a person/people whom you can love and trust.
Many thanks for the lovely card, I have noted the caption on the front which says ‘Hey Mummy’, I have to say you are looking very well, your nose looks healthy and wet, sad eyes I can understand at the moment, but I am seriously worried about your ears – you have obviously been wearing heavy earrings!
Keep hanging in there, you are doing well, I am praying for you.
Lots of love,
*****
This is one of the emails from JM after the Dean and the Churchwarden involved her, the churchwarden admitted to her that he had done some of what I said, but as the Dean and churchwarden continued to involve her, she was increasingly on their side, especially as the churchwarden was told her from questioning me about sexual abuse, that I had told him her husband had abused me
02/08/08
Dear ******,
Dear ******,
It was good to hear from you this evening. I can confirm that I have had no emails or phone call other than yours from Jersey today.
I am truly sorry that your dream of finding a family where you could be the child has been smashed, I do know how much that meant to you. **** knows that I believe him to have been at the very least naïve and misguided, and I find his preoccupation with enquiring into sexual matters with you very disturbing. It is always difficult to discern true motive in what people do, but naïve evangelicals sometimes think that praying about it will make everything OK. I have no doubt that you did not let things go too far, and I am glad that you are away from there now.
**** promised more than he could deliver, it would have been kinder to say that you could be like a daughter, rather than be a daughter, but you can’t turn the clock back and you would always be a grown up daughter. The reason you cannot go back to childhood is because you are, and very much want to be, your own person. A young child in any family should receive a lot of love, but it should also be under the control and guidance of the parents who bear responsibility for it as it grows up. I think that would rightly be too high a price for you to pay, that is one reason why your dream could never come true.
Just for the record, I am well aware that you have never had a problem with (list of names redacted) (and that is just the ones I know) so be gentle with yourself.
It is Peace & Healing tomorrow evening and (names redacted) will lay hands on me and you will be with me at that time.
Lots of love,
******
Revd ***** *******
Sunday, 19 January 2014
Formal letter to the Dean of Jersey that he requested after consulting with his lawyers some time after I originally made the complaint, name of churchwarden omitted for the purpose of this post. I have to say I did not really know how to word a formal letter and had already made this complaint in a number of written statements to the Dean, I still felt very much blamed and responsible for allowing the situation, I was also utterly traumatized that I had been 'adopted', regressed, abused and blamed
******** ******
****** ****
****** ****
JE* ***
4/9/08
Dear Very Reverend Bob Key,
I am writing in response to your request for a formal letter of complaint.
I am writing to complain about **** *****, during the time I knew Mr. ***** he repeatedly discussed sexuality with me, asked me very personal questions about my sexuality and repeatedly touched me intimately and kissed me intimately, he was repeatedly asked not to.
I even threatened him by telling him that I would hit him or tell his wife. I did hit him on one of a number occasions that he touched my breasts. I am strongly against immorality and I believe that marriage is sacred, only a husband and wife should be together intimately, and I have been abused when I was younger and therefore am not comfortable with sexual advances.
Because **** ***** was my adoptive father, I tried to pretend everything was ok, and told him NO, every time, he misbehaved, and also told him we mustn’t talk about sexuality. But his behaviour had a bad effect on my behaviour and I was took the consequences, mainly *****’s fury and being discussed in church and made to feel very small and rubbish.
At the same time as behaving inappropriately **** would try to make out that I was in love with him and that I was behaving inappropriately, for example when I kissed his cheek, just as I would kiss any of my friends, he would try to make that out to be outrageous and inappropriate, despite the fact that he would kiss my lips and neck. I never encouraged Mr ***** to be sexual with me, he called me his ‘daughter/adoptive daughter/like a daughter’ and I saw him as my adoptive father, and loved him as a daughter loves her father.
I was very distressed by this sexuality in the friendship, and I remain very distressed by what has happened, and by the consequences this had on my friendship with the *****s, and by the things that the *****s have said and done about me as a result.
I feel that it is necessary to continue a complaint against **** ******, as he has taken no responsibility for the damage that he has done, and I feel that my name has been blackened by this terrible situation, and I cannot bear the thought that **** ****** may hurt other people the way he has hurt me.
I am left very hurt and ill, and am currently struggling to work and look after myself.
I feel very angry and am severely distressed and I have frequent nightmares and struggle to enjoy my leisure activities, my life is very badly damaged by the *****s and the ongoing complaint.
I have been unsure about making a complaint as the ******s had shown kindness to me despite the other hurtful treatment, and because I am ill and seeing no hope whatsoever of recovery, and every thought or dream of the *****s hurts me.
***** ******
****** ****
****** ****
JE* ***
4/9/08
Dear Very Reverend Bob Key,
I am writing in response to your request for a formal letter of complaint.
I am writing to complain about **** *****, during the time I knew Mr. ***** he repeatedly discussed sexuality with me, asked me very personal questions about my sexuality and repeatedly touched me intimately and kissed me intimately, he was repeatedly asked not to.
I even threatened him by telling him that I would hit him or tell his wife. I did hit him on one of a number occasions that he touched my breasts. I am strongly against immorality and I believe that marriage is sacred, only a husband and wife should be together intimately, and I have been abused when I was younger and therefore am not comfortable with sexual advances.
Because **** ***** was my adoptive father, I tried to pretend everything was ok, and told him NO, every time, he misbehaved, and also told him we mustn’t talk about sexuality. But his behaviour had a bad effect on my behaviour and I was took the consequences, mainly *****’s fury and being discussed in church and made to feel very small and rubbish.
At the same time as behaving inappropriately **** would try to make out that I was in love with him and that I was behaving inappropriately, for example when I kissed his cheek, just as I would kiss any of my friends, he would try to make that out to be outrageous and inappropriate, despite the fact that he would kiss my lips and neck. I never encouraged Mr ***** to be sexual with me, he called me his ‘daughter/adoptive daughter/like a daughter’ and I saw him as my adoptive father, and loved him as a daughter loves her father.
I was very distressed by this sexuality in the friendship, and I remain very distressed by what has happened, and by the consequences this had on my friendship with the *****s, and by the things that the *****s have said and done about me as a result.
I feel that it is necessary to continue a complaint against **** ******, as he has taken no responsibility for the damage that he has done, and I feel that my name has been blackened by this terrible situation, and I cannot bear the thought that **** ****** may hurt other people the way he has hurt me.
I am left very hurt and ill, and am currently struggling to work and look after myself.
I feel very angry and am severely distressed and I have frequent nightmares and struggle to enjoy my leisure activities, my life is very badly damaged by the *****s and the ongoing complaint.
I have been unsure about making a complaint as the ******s had shown kindness to me despite the other hurtful treatment, and because I am ill and seeing no hope whatsoever of recovery, and every thought or dream of the *****s hurts me.
***** ******
Here is extracts from a statement made for the police and Church and Autism Jersey, it has been edited to remove names and identities and also some comments have been added in brackets, this is one of many statements.
This is a very very small extract from my statements, there are hundreds of pages worth as this has been a very complicated case. There is much much more to this than I have collated here, but my resources are limited and no one has time to read the full statement, even though letting anyone see a limited amount gives the churchwardenan advantage. Bringing a complaint against the churchwardenhas added to the devastation that he and the churchwarden's wife did to my life, but I think people need to know so that it doesn’t happen again.
the churchwarden‘adopted me’ though not legally, and he regressed me so I was like a child with him, he then launched a massive project emotional and sexual abuse against me, while being a ‘good father’ and blaming me for my reaction of pain, anger, confusion and depression.
What else happened:
Many times the churchwardensat me on his knees in his home office, he rested his head against me and told me about marriage and married people enjoying each others bodies, he told me that he had to make an effort to love his wife after all these years. He told me about the girls on **** ******* who he talked to about married people enjoying each others bodies, he told me about people at work who he talked to about sex, he told me about one girl who was ‘good’ because she didn’t sleep with her boyfriend till they were married and one girl who became a Christian and refused to sleep with her boyfriend until he married her the churchwarden said the girl said it was the longest 3 months of her life before her boyfriend married her.
the churchwarden said to me ‘you like us talking about these things when we are warm and close like this, don’t you?’
I liked being cuddled by Daddy and I wanted daddy to know that I wasn’t embarrassed by, or interested in, sex.
One time on Daddy’s knee:
Churchwarden: ‘Sex is better without the Duvet in the way, you can get much closer together without the duvet in the way’
Me: ‘you are just an old man’.
I climbed off his knee.
the churchwarden was laughing like mad, so I walked away, I went to talk to the churchwarden's wife and tell her some other things, nothing to do with sex.
Later the churchwarden called me to him, ‘you didn’t tell ***** what I said about the duvet did you? She would be so embarrassed’.
‘No, I didn’t’
It was around this time that the churchwarden asked me if I’d been raped, I was very ashamed and hid from him, the churchwarden came after me and persisted in asking, he hugged me and told me that it made him love me even more. He told me that he’d heard that women felt dirty and ashamed when they’d been raped, he wanted to know if I’d had a child by the rapist.
It started a very turbulent time of flashbacks that made the churchwarden's wife angry again.
the churchwarden continued the questions and the physical affection.
He would tell me to lie down and would pin me against the sofa, how? With me lying down, he used the top half of his body only (good for him!) or it would have been serious, he hugged me against the sofa and made movements that could be described as sexual, one time he did this he kissed my neck, and most times he said ‘you like that, you love your daddy don’t you? He tended to do this when the his wife had gone upstairs because she tended to go upstairs first in the evening and have a bath then go to bed, he did this possibly five or six times, two of the times were when I had been away in England and came back, one time he was not quite pinning me but was half over me on the sofa with his arms either side of me when the churchwarden's wife walked in, he said to me ‘you are very daughterish’, and removed himself,
‘heydaddy’. (this was just an autistic thing I said, I do kind of have sayings and odd noises I make when I am with people I know, it’s a bit odd).
the churchwarden's wife didn’t say anything.
He also took to pulling me onto his lap in the front room when the his wife had gone upstairs, in the end I didn’t sit alone with the churchwarden in when the churchwarden's wife had gone upstairs, but the churchwarden would kiss me on the lips goodnight, and a few times he would keep holding me, and he’d be shaking.
At some point the churchwarden came with me to his son’s house where I was house sitting, as we had to find some paperwork, the churchwarden started hugging me when we got there, his hands slipped and he touched my breasts, he had done this before but I don’t recall when, I just remember that I had said no to this before, and I said to the churchwarden‘ I will hit you if you do that again’. the churchwarden let go of me and sat down, he stayed sitting and was praying as I looked for the paperwork, then I showed him some songs in my songs and poems scrapbook and we pretended nothing had happened.
But it was not the last time that he did that, there were more occasions and once I did slap him, one night at a later date, when the churchwarden's wife had gone to bed and the churchwarden and I were about to go to the post box to post letters, his hands slipped and I hit him, ‘did I just hit you?’ ‘yes’ , ‘oh, sorry’.
It was probably the Beginning of November that I went to live with the churchwarden and the churchwarden's wife.
the churchwarden was enthusiastic, the churchwarden's wife was not too keen, she said it was only for a week or so while I found somewhere, ‘because grown up daughters shouldn’t be at home’.
the churchwarden said ‘oh she’ll get used to you being here, I want you to be here so we can get to know you better and help you’.
Every day the churchwarden would hold me and cuddle me, the churchwarden's wife allowed this. When the churchwarden's wife wasn’t around, the churchwarden would sit me on his knee and sometimes he would rest his head on my chest, I allowed this because he turned his head sideways and just rested his cheek lightly and I just thought he was old fashioned innocent and eccentric.
I think it was in November/December that the churchwarden came to hug me, as he did frequently throughout the day, and as he hugged me he told me that the churchwarden's wife didn’t like us hugging so much. I let go of him and said, ‘then don’t keep hugging me’ the churchwarden kicked up a fuss.
I found the churchwarden's wife and said ‘are you unhappy about me and **** hugging so much?’
the churchwarden's wife said ‘no I know both of you and trust you.’
I told the churchwarden this, and he said ‘**** is lying, she doesn’t want a fuss’.
A similar situation occurred later when the churchwarden told me his wife thought I would be a burden to her for the rest of her life, and I think quite a few of these situations occurred throughout the friendship, with two sides being told to me. Ouch. (that burden slur has haunted me ever since, I am not sure how anyone could see things like that as being healing).
He took to calling me to him when he was working in his home office, where he spends long hours doing church admin, he would hold me briefly and then say, ‘I must get on’, I said to him ‘lets not have these brief cuddles as I feel like I am in your way, lets leave cuddles until you aren’t doing paperwork’ He said ‘you really have a problem with me working’,
‘No I do not!’.
the churchwarden made me like a small child, he cuddled the child to him and called himself Daddy, but at the same time he talked about sexuality and got very close, I wanted to be a small child, re-do my childhood, and that was what the churchwarden seemed to be offering. (said he was).
the churchwarden kissed my lips on a number of occasions, and my neck, but he told me off for kissing his cheek when I hugged him and commented on my feelings for him because I kissed his cheek, just as I do kiss my friends cheeks (although not often), ‘people will think you fancy me’, that made me angry and I lashed out (verbally), upsetting the churchwarden's wife. the churchwarden was playing games, I didn’t really realise it.
On several occasions I told the churchwarden that he wasn’t to hug me because he was playing games, ‘what will people think?’ - (this was a game where he would touch me or hug me and then say people might notice or people were talking about us).
‘Well ****, if I don’t allow you to touch me, they cant think anything’, a huge fuss was made (by him)
‘look how much this is upsetting ****, you not allowing hugs’. (he would say I was upsetting his wife if I DIDN’T allow hugs, I couldn’t win).
Mummy’s got bruises:
the churchwarden seemed to need me to know that he was still sexually active at his age.
We were having breakfast one Sunday, the conversation was fascinating, I was being autistic and it was fish and butter for breakfast:
‘fish? Fish? Fish, butter, Daddy show me how to put butter on the fish’ (I hadn’t had fish and butter before I met the churchwarden and his wife)
‘You don’t use the wooden knife or mummy will be cross’,
‘oh’.
the churchwarden's wife said something about a bruise that she didn’t know where she’d got it.
****,( very sexually), ‘oh, Mummy has bruises in places that she can’t show you’
his wife spluttered.
Me: ‘Don’t be revolting ,****’
End of conversation.
·
·
· What did he do:
· In church, holding me and hugging me, yet telling me people were talking about him and me
· Going in a room alone with me yet telling me people were talking
· Telling me off for platonic kisses when his were not.
· Forcing contact
· Doing physical therapy
· Doing sexual therapy
· The thinks he said about sex
· Causing problems between me and his wife (which the man from Autism Jersey said is what some predatory men do to ensure they are not held at fault if their behaviour is discovered).
· Emotional torture
· the churchwarden did some very odd things
· the churchwarden found out that I was wary of having my upper arms and my neck touched. So he developed a routine – he would stand there very tall and straight and gesture me to come to him, a little flick of his hand, ‘come here’, he would make me put my head right up in the air and he would stroke my neck, at first I would choke when he did this, but I got used to it, it did alarm me, and it did make the churchwarden's wife tut, then he would do my arms, stroking continuously up and down, I never got used to that, it is a physically uncomfortable experience, and this routine usually left me a bit confused, the churchwarden called it ‘my medicine’ or ‘putting me through my paces’, it was odd, he could well be helping me, but on the other hand it could be that the churchwarden needed to be ‘in charge’, male dominance, I wondered if the pinning down was the same sort of thing, he did it when I’d been away and come back, reasserting his dominance?. the churchwarden needed me to know that he was ‘the man’, he jeered at me about my physical strength, hence my comment in the ‘slap on the nose email’ about ‘Male identity’.
· the churchwarden does jeer, it’s surprising for such a ‘gentle, humble man‘, but he does, I was very shy and embarrassed sometimes, he would come out with things like calling people sunbathing ‘beached walruses, and repeatedly commented on my weight (no longer an issue due to all this, the trauma diet.)
·
· At the end of my friendship with the churchwardenand his wife I was trying desparately to repair what was left of the relationship, and the churchwarden was just calmly smashing me about with the things that he said his wife was saying or thinking about me, I realised finally that he was playing games, always had and always would, he wasn’t going to take any responsibility or help ease the distress.
· the churchwarden's wife was being nice to me, but the churchwardensaid it was just because she was a good Christian, I had previously told them both that I wouldn’t say anything against them to anyone because I loved them, but I was taking the weight of blame and had them talking about me to people.
· I realised that the churchwarden wasn’t going to stop playing games, he wasn’t going to work with me to rebuild the friendship, he’d never made any effort to do so, he just kept telling me what his wife thought of me, he talked to other people about me, no attempt was ever made to sit and talk with me about problems, apart from when I got the churchwarden's wife to talk to me when the churchwarden said that his wife thought I would be a burden to her for the rest of her life (what a lovely thing to say about someone you’ve adopted knowing that they have problems).
· Neither the churchwarden's wife nor the churchwarden were emotionally capable of carrying out the commitment of taking in a damaged person, ‘adopting’ them and ‘healing them’ as they claimed to be doing, his ‘healing methods’ such as the ‘medicine’ above, had their side effects that the churchwarden and wife triggered and couldn’t cope with, yet they told everyone else that they couldn’t cope, and I was shamed and embarrassed in church. And the Vicar and their close friend, the reader, never spoke to me about how I was deteriorating or warned me he was under restrictions (which were not being implemented)
· A thought occurred, did the churchwarden talk about me getting pregnant because he wanted to go further with me but didn’t dare? I don’t know, never will know, it was just a sudden thought. I think that conversation continued on the subject of sex and masturbation, or there was a similar conversation, I didn’t start the conversation but I was silly enough to join in, I was alone with the churchwarden on the sofa.
· It could be very difficult to read what his thoughts and intentions were, for example the sudden biting at my chest, why did he do that? He couldn’t say it was ‘therapy’, was it a game? Was he being just irresponsible? Testing my reactions? When I put my finger on his nose and said ’no’, he just grinned and said nothing, he never apologised. I was shaking, surely a loving Daddy doesn’t do things like that.
· the churchwarden sitting me on his knee was always at his invitation and when the wife wasn’t around, I never went to him and climbed on his knee, he used to sit me across his knees, so my bottom was one side and my legs were hanging down the other side, he didn’t sit me facing him, but once when he was manouvering things he said something about ‘ending up in a position that we don’t want to be in’, but he was my daddy. the churchwarden's wife must have seen me sitting on his knees at least once, one time when she came up to the bathroom and I was sitting on his knees in his office and the churchwarden said ‘***** may not like us doing this’, the churchwarden's wife didn’t say anything though, and I said to her that the churchwarden was telling me about God. Looking back and thinking about all this I really shouldn’t have let him do these things, and I should really have thought about why his wife would have not liked that but at the time he was ‘Daddy’, trying to cure me, trying to mend me, and I wanted to be mended and be part of a family I completely trusted him, every other word from him was God and scripture, so I thought he must be trustworthy. I should have known better, I really should.
· the churchwarden talked about sex outside of marriage, something about the reason why I wouldn’t have sex, if it was because of fear? At the time I thought he meant fear of God, (this was before he asked me about being raped) and I told him that it wasn’t fear of God’s judgement, it was about honouring God.
· When I was showing the churchwarden and his wife photographs, the churchwarden wanted to look closer at the photo of me in a swimsuit but I wouldn’t let him, so he tried to snatch the page of photos off me and I crumpled them up because I was embarrassed, the churchwarden's wife went mad at me. My behavioural problems? My behavioural problems?
· Daddies don’t often make a point of talking sex to daughters, they are usually too embarrassed. (this is what the man at autism Jersey told me) I didn’t think about that at the time, I just thought how loving and nurturing daddy was, cuddling me in his arms and I thought that because he was a Christian and married that he must have the right motives. How stupid and naive I was, even after all my life story.
· Even with friends that I’ve known a long time, even JM, I was never asked if I was raped and we don’t discuss rape, none of my male friends have ever talked about rape and it is rare for sex to be in the conversation. the churchwarden started talking about sex soon after I met him, I should have, may have seen a warning sign in that, but I dismissed my fears, the churchwarden was a church officer, he said I was his daughter, he is eccentric, so I excused him.
· How was I expected to cope with being daughter/not daughter. Like when there was a party for *****s stepmum, all the family were there, I was very blatantly not invited and the churchwarden's wife was going through the details of the party for days afterwards, what fun the children had etc. It was torture for me and I got told off for not knowing how to react. Daughter? Shameful secret? (I was alternately daughter and not daughter, he said I was, but it was kept a secret from their family).
· the churchwarden hugged me sometimes when he was wearing his pyjamas and sometimes when he was in pyjamas with no pyjama top on. I didn’t see this as sexual, but I jokingly told him to put his top on, there was no genital contact in the pyjama hugs. I never hugged the churchwarden when I was wearing my pyjamas, the churchwarden and the his wife never saw me in pyjamas as I was shy, I was always fully dressed in dayclothes when they saw me. the churchwarden and his wife didn’t see me on Christmas day after I walked out as I went home to bed, but on boxing day morning the churchwarden wanted me to come out of my room and hug him, his words, but I told him that it would be rude because I still in my pyjamas.
the churchwarden‘adopted me’ though not legally, and he regressed me so I was like a child with him, he then launched a massive project emotional and sexual abuse against me, while being a ‘good father’ and blaming me for my reaction of pain, anger, confusion and depression.
What else happened:
Many times the churchwardensat me on his knees in his home office, he rested his head against me and told me about marriage and married people enjoying each others bodies, he told me that he had to make an effort to love his wife after all these years. He told me about the girls on **** ******* who he talked to about married people enjoying each others bodies, he told me about people at work who he talked to about sex, he told me about one girl who was ‘good’ because she didn’t sleep with her boyfriend till they were married and one girl who became a Christian and refused to sleep with her boyfriend until he married her the churchwarden said the girl said it was the longest 3 months of her life before her boyfriend married her.
the churchwarden said to me ‘you like us talking about these things when we are warm and close like this, don’t you?’
I liked being cuddled by Daddy and I wanted daddy to know that I wasn’t embarrassed by, or interested in, sex.
One time on Daddy’s knee:
Churchwarden: ‘Sex is better without the Duvet in the way, you can get much closer together without the duvet in the way’
Me: ‘you are just an old man’.
I climbed off his knee.
the churchwarden was laughing like mad, so I walked away, I went to talk to the churchwarden's wife and tell her some other things, nothing to do with sex.
Later the churchwarden called me to him, ‘you didn’t tell ***** what I said about the duvet did you? She would be so embarrassed’.
‘No, I didn’t’
It was around this time that the churchwarden asked me if I’d been raped, I was very ashamed and hid from him, the churchwarden came after me and persisted in asking, he hugged me and told me that it made him love me even more. He told me that he’d heard that women felt dirty and ashamed when they’d been raped, he wanted to know if I’d had a child by the rapist.
It started a very turbulent time of flashbacks that made the churchwarden's wife angry again.
the churchwarden continued the questions and the physical affection.
He would tell me to lie down and would pin me against the sofa, how? With me lying down, he used the top half of his body only (good for him!) or it would have been serious, he hugged me against the sofa and made movements that could be described as sexual, one time he did this he kissed my neck, and most times he said ‘you like that, you love your daddy don’t you? He tended to do this when the his wife had gone upstairs because she tended to go upstairs first in the evening and have a bath then go to bed, he did this possibly five or six times, two of the times were when I had been away in England and came back, one time he was not quite pinning me but was half over me on the sofa with his arms either side of me when the churchwarden's wife walked in, he said to me ‘you are very daughterish’, and removed himself,
‘heydaddy’. (this was just an autistic thing I said, I do kind of have sayings and odd noises I make when I am with people I know, it’s a bit odd).
the churchwarden's wife didn’t say anything.
He also took to pulling me onto his lap in the front room when the his wife had gone upstairs, in the end I didn’t sit alone with the churchwarden in when the churchwarden's wife had gone upstairs, but the churchwarden would kiss me on the lips goodnight, and a few times he would keep holding me, and he’d be shaking.
At some point the churchwarden came with me to his son’s house where I was house sitting, as we had to find some paperwork, the churchwarden started hugging me when we got there, his hands slipped and he touched my breasts, he had done this before but I don’t recall when, I just remember that I had said no to this before, and I said to the churchwarden‘ I will hit you if you do that again’. the churchwarden let go of me and sat down, he stayed sitting and was praying as I looked for the paperwork, then I showed him some songs in my songs and poems scrapbook and we pretended nothing had happened.
But it was not the last time that he did that, there were more occasions and once I did slap him, one night at a later date, when the churchwarden's wife had gone to bed and the churchwarden and I were about to go to the post box to post letters, his hands slipped and I hit him, ‘did I just hit you?’ ‘yes’ , ‘oh, sorry’.
It was probably the Beginning of November that I went to live with the churchwarden and the churchwarden's wife.
the churchwarden was enthusiastic, the churchwarden's wife was not too keen, she said it was only for a week or so while I found somewhere, ‘because grown up daughters shouldn’t be at home’.
the churchwarden said ‘oh she’ll get used to you being here, I want you to be here so we can get to know you better and help you’.
Every day the churchwarden would hold me and cuddle me, the churchwarden's wife allowed this. When the churchwarden's wife wasn’t around, the churchwarden would sit me on his knee and sometimes he would rest his head on my chest, I allowed this because he turned his head sideways and just rested his cheek lightly and I just thought he was old fashioned innocent and eccentric.
I think it was in November/December that the churchwarden came to hug me, as he did frequently throughout the day, and as he hugged me he told me that the churchwarden's wife didn’t like us hugging so much. I let go of him and said, ‘then don’t keep hugging me’ the churchwarden kicked up a fuss.
I found the churchwarden's wife and said ‘are you unhappy about me and **** hugging so much?’
the churchwarden's wife said ‘no I know both of you and trust you.’
I told the churchwarden this, and he said ‘**** is lying, she doesn’t want a fuss’.
A similar situation occurred later when the churchwarden told me his wife thought I would be a burden to her for the rest of her life, and I think quite a few of these situations occurred throughout the friendship, with two sides being told to me. Ouch. (that burden slur has haunted me ever since, I am not sure how anyone could see things like that as being healing).
He took to calling me to him when he was working in his home office, where he spends long hours doing church admin, he would hold me briefly and then say, ‘I must get on’, I said to him ‘lets not have these brief cuddles as I feel like I am in your way, lets leave cuddles until you aren’t doing paperwork’ He said ‘you really have a problem with me working’,
‘No I do not!’.
the churchwarden made me like a small child, he cuddled the child to him and called himself Daddy, but at the same time he talked about sexuality and got very close, I wanted to be a small child, re-do my childhood, and that was what the churchwarden seemed to be offering. (said he was).
the churchwarden kissed my lips on a number of occasions, and my neck, but he told me off for kissing his cheek when I hugged him and commented on my feelings for him because I kissed his cheek, just as I do kiss my friends cheeks (although not often), ‘people will think you fancy me’, that made me angry and I lashed out (verbally), upsetting the churchwarden's wife. the churchwarden was playing games, I didn’t really realise it.
On several occasions I told the churchwarden that he wasn’t to hug me because he was playing games, ‘what will people think?’ - (this was a game where he would touch me or hug me and then say people might notice or people were talking about us).
‘Well ****, if I don’t allow you to touch me, they cant think anything’, a huge fuss was made (by him)
‘look how much this is upsetting ****, you not allowing hugs’. (he would say I was upsetting his wife if I DIDN’T allow hugs, I couldn’t win).
Mummy’s got bruises:
the churchwarden seemed to need me to know that he was still sexually active at his age.
We were having breakfast one Sunday, the conversation was fascinating, I was being autistic and it was fish and butter for breakfast:
‘fish? Fish? Fish, butter, Daddy show me how to put butter on the fish’ (I hadn’t had fish and butter before I met the churchwarden and his wife)
‘You don’t use the wooden knife or mummy will be cross’,
‘oh’.
the churchwarden's wife said something about a bruise that she didn’t know where she’d got it.
****,( very sexually), ‘oh, Mummy has bruises in places that she can’t show you’
his wife spluttered.
Me: ‘Don’t be revolting ,****’
End of conversation.
·
·
· What did he do:
· In church, holding me and hugging me, yet telling me people were talking about him and me
· Going in a room alone with me yet telling me people were talking
· Telling me off for platonic kisses when his were not.
· Forcing contact
· Doing physical therapy
· Doing sexual therapy
· The thinks he said about sex
· Causing problems between me and his wife (which the man from Autism Jersey said is what some predatory men do to ensure they are not held at fault if their behaviour is discovered).
· Emotional torture
· the churchwarden did some very odd things
· the churchwarden found out that I was wary of having my upper arms and my neck touched. So he developed a routine – he would stand there very tall and straight and gesture me to come to him, a little flick of his hand, ‘come here’, he would make me put my head right up in the air and he would stroke my neck, at first I would choke when he did this, but I got used to it, it did alarm me, and it did make the churchwarden's wife tut, then he would do my arms, stroking continuously up and down, I never got used to that, it is a physically uncomfortable experience, and this routine usually left me a bit confused, the churchwarden called it ‘my medicine’ or ‘putting me through my paces’, it was odd, he could well be helping me, but on the other hand it could be that the churchwarden needed to be ‘in charge’, male dominance, I wondered if the pinning down was the same sort of thing, he did it when I’d been away and come back, reasserting his dominance?. the churchwarden needed me to know that he was ‘the man’, he jeered at me about my physical strength, hence my comment in the ‘slap on the nose email’ about ‘Male identity’.
· the churchwarden does jeer, it’s surprising for such a ‘gentle, humble man‘, but he does, I was very shy and embarrassed sometimes, he would come out with things like calling people sunbathing ‘beached walruses, and repeatedly commented on my weight (no longer an issue due to all this, the trauma diet.)
·
· At the end of my friendship with the churchwardenand his wife I was trying desparately to repair what was left of the relationship, and the churchwarden was just calmly smashing me about with the things that he said his wife was saying or thinking about me, I realised finally that he was playing games, always had and always would, he wasn’t going to take any responsibility or help ease the distress.
· the churchwarden's wife was being nice to me, but the churchwardensaid it was just because she was a good Christian, I had previously told them both that I wouldn’t say anything against them to anyone because I loved them, but I was taking the weight of blame and had them talking about me to people.
· I realised that the churchwarden wasn’t going to stop playing games, he wasn’t going to work with me to rebuild the friendship, he’d never made any effort to do so, he just kept telling me what his wife thought of me, he talked to other people about me, no attempt was ever made to sit and talk with me about problems, apart from when I got the churchwarden's wife to talk to me when the churchwarden said that his wife thought I would be a burden to her for the rest of her life (what a lovely thing to say about someone you’ve adopted knowing that they have problems).
· Neither the churchwarden's wife nor the churchwarden were emotionally capable of carrying out the commitment of taking in a damaged person, ‘adopting’ them and ‘healing them’ as they claimed to be doing, his ‘healing methods’ such as the ‘medicine’ above, had their side effects that the churchwarden and wife triggered and couldn’t cope with, yet they told everyone else that they couldn’t cope, and I was shamed and embarrassed in church. And the Vicar and their close friend, the reader, never spoke to me about how I was deteriorating or warned me he was under restrictions (which were not being implemented)
· A thought occurred, did the churchwarden talk about me getting pregnant because he wanted to go further with me but didn’t dare? I don’t know, never will know, it was just a sudden thought. I think that conversation continued on the subject of sex and masturbation, or there was a similar conversation, I didn’t start the conversation but I was silly enough to join in, I was alone with the churchwarden on the sofa.
· It could be very difficult to read what his thoughts and intentions were, for example the sudden biting at my chest, why did he do that? He couldn’t say it was ‘therapy’, was it a game? Was he being just irresponsible? Testing my reactions? When I put my finger on his nose and said ’no’, he just grinned and said nothing, he never apologised. I was shaking, surely a loving Daddy doesn’t do things like that.
· the churchwarden sitting me on his knee was always at his invitation and when the wife wasn’t around, I never went to him and climbed on his knee, he used to sit me across his knees, so my bottom was one side and my legs were hanging down the other side, he didn’t sit me facing him, but once when he was manouvering things he said something about ‘ending up in a position that we don’t want to be in’, but he was my daddy. the churchwarden's wife must have seen me sitting on his knees at least once, one time when she came up to the bathroom and I was sitting on his knees in his office and the churchwarden said ‘***** may not like us doing this’, the churchwarden's wife didn’t say anything though, and I said to her that the churchwarden was telling me about God. Looking back and thinking about all this I really shouldn’t have let him do these things, and I should really have thought about why his wife would have not liked that but at the time he was ‘Daddy’, trying to cure me, trying to mend me, and I wanted to be mended and be part of a family I completely trusted him, every other word from him was God and scripture, so I thought he must be trustworthy. I should have known better, I really should.
· the churchwarden talked about sex outside of marriage, something about the reason why I wouldn’t have sex, if it was because of fear? At the time I thought he meant fear of God, (this was before he asked me about being raped) and I told him that it wasn’t fear of God’s judgement, it was about honouring God.
· When I was showing the churchwarden and his wife photographs, the churchwarden wanted to look closer at the photo of me in a swimsuit but I wouldn’t let him, so he tried to snatch the page of photos off me and I crumpled them up because I was embarrassed, the churchwarden's wife went mad at me. My behavioural problems? My behavioural problems?
· Daddies don’t often make a point of talking sex to daughters, they are usually too embarrassed. (this is what the man at autism Jersey told me) I didn’t think about that at the time, I just thought how loving and nurturing daddy was, cuddling me in his arms and I thought that because he was a Christian and married that he must have the right motives. How stupid and naive I was, even after all my life story.
· Even with friends that I’ve known a long time, even JM, I was never asked if I was raped and we don’t discuss rape, none of my male friends have ever talked about rape and it is rare for sex to be in the conversation. the churchwarden started talking about sex soon after I met him, I should have, may have seen a warning sign in that, but I dismissed my fears, the churchwarden was a church officer, he said I was his daughter, he is eccentric, so I excused him.
· How was I expected to cope with being daughter/not daughter. Like when there was a party for *****s stepmum, all the family were there, I was very blatantly not invited and the churchwarden's wife was going through the details of the party for days afterwards, what fun the children had etc. It was torture for me and I got told off for not knowing how to react. Daughter? Shameful secret? (I was alternately daughter and not daughter, he said I was, but it was kept a secret from their family).
· the churchwarden hugged me sometimes when he was wearing his pyjamas and sometimes when he was in pyjamas with no pyjama top on. I didn’t see this as sexual, but I jokingly told him to put his top on, there was no genital contact in the pyjama hugs. I never hugged the churchwarden when I was wearing my pyjamas, the churchwarden and the his wife never saw me in pyjamas as I was shy, I was always fully dressed in dayclothes when they saw me. the churchwarden and his wife didn’t see me on Christmas day after I walked out as I went home to bed, but on boxing day morning the churchwarden wanted me to come out of my room and hug him, his words, but I told him that it would be rude because I still in my pyjamas.
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