The Apologist 2

To all and anyone who I have ever offended or distressed, I am sorry.

I do not pick fights, am not violent, I do react to how people treat me.
And sometimes I vastly overreact.
Behind my anger is pain and fear.
I do not know why you hurt me, I am afraid because I have been hurt.
I do not understand why I am always to blame, always the one who is sorry.

Over and over again I know that abuse and abuse of trust are not my fault, but when I apologize for my reaction, I do not get an apology in reply.
I carry the burden of every burst of anger, every cross word I have uttered,
but the consistent thing about neurotypical people is that they don't carry what they have done to me,
they don't apologize and they do not take responsibility,
I am eaten up with shame, every day of my life,
but no-one else ever is.

It is funny, well not really, but it makes me long to be 'normal'
and shrug off my wrongs and pass them on to someone else.

The Diocese has put me in the centre of the Circus and whipped me for my anger
but that has not cured me,
if anything it has made me worse
more angry and more guilt and shame ridden,
but I am not violent
do not intend anger and do not see fights
I react

and as yet,
in the ongoing stress of the situation
there is no hope of curing my tendency to lash out
because the stress is preventing healing
and my anger comes from wounds