'Statement' sent to the Diocese on 28/07/2013 and posted on the previous church blog

 The statement below was written for the Diocese last summer, and here I am in March, alive, in one piece, and even housed, after a fashion, but still suffering. Amazing how things have changed, my life feels completely different and my circumstances are very different but I still believe that either the stress of this horrible matter or further efforts by the Diocese, will drive me to an early grave.

Statement:

For two years I escaped, or almost escaped the Diocese of Winchester's violation of my life

Suddenly and shockingly I was traced by some police officer directly before Easter, traced under my new name and left violated and sickened, on behalf of the Diocese of Winchester

Because the Diocese had had a long habit of hurting me and having me attacked by the police, I made a complaint to the police authority for this violation by the diocese through the police, my complaint has yet to be dealt with properly.

I at the same time made queries to the Diocese, who blankly ignored me for weeks.

It was a week after this police attack by Jonathan Swift from Hampshire police that I became aware of the Dean of Jersey's suspension and the Bishop and Archbishop's fake apologies in the paper. This was because I was being bombarded with messages from people who had heard. Including an all-time useless and fake charity called MACSAS who's prying and illegal intervention in my life was much like Jane Fisher's and caused great pain in the past while I was suffering at the hands of the Diocese of Winchester.

and then I heard about the hate campaign against me by supporters of the Dean, this was lead by two people who had never met me, Philip Bailhache and Gavin Ashenden. Philip Bailhache held both church and political positions and used his political position to write a slanderous letter against me to the media, the Bishop and the Archbishop, which the Archbishop swiftly acknowledged and abided by, blocking my emails and having me treated as mad when I phoned his office. Philip Bailhache claimed he 'spoke for all Jersey people' but his media prevented the cries of protest at that from being heard. Gavin Ashenden had never met me but decided from what he knew from the Warrens and Lihous, which was their side of things and not mine, that publicly slandering me and condemning me for the Dean was acceptable and Christian. He is the one who claims that mentally ill people are demon-posessed and that it is acceptable to publicly force the demons out of them in humiliating rituals, and he is the one who loudly went on about me being mentally ill. I find it funny that the Lihous tried to force on me that forgiveness was more important than righting what was wrong when George Lihou chased and shouted at me, because it appears that I remain publicly and permenantly unforgiven over that for the sake of covering for wrongdoers.

I had to tell my church and friends what was wrong because I was in a state of collapse on receipt of the Police email on behalf of the Diocese, which I only read the first part of, which went on about the Bishop of Winchester and historic abuse and how the Bishop wanted to put me in 'local church groups' - which made me furious as I was now a Catholic, was driven out of every church in Winchester and had no intention at all of being ANYWHERE under the Diocese of Winchester's control, EVER AGAIN.

regarding previous point, how can the diocese be so blind as to think that any contact with them, any intervention and any involvement from them would ever be anything but traumatic after the way they have had me repeatedly brutalized and locked up???? It is like your rapist trying to be your friend, it is that ridiculous and humiliating and cringeworthy!

Eventually some chaplain replied with some vague and irrelevant stuff, which included denying that I was now suffering because of hatred coming from Jersey about me, disbelieving me!

So the Diocese had me traced just to fob me off and ignore me? well, no, they had me traced because once their awful badly written and unqualified Korris report was published, people in Jersey put them under pressure to trace me. The Diocese of Winchester were the same cold uncaring Diocese that they were under Scott-Joynt, new Bishop, old ways. They didn't want to know me, they didn't intend to help me, they had done this because they had no choice! and they made it very clear indeed that they didn't give a damn.

The Bishop himself never emailed me in the first month, this vague chaplain waffled on the Bishop's behalf, and he said something about being 'very very sorry in the delay' or something, and that is the only time apart from the self-glorifying 'apologies' in the paper, that the Bishop has done anything resembling an apology, and that is not a proper personal apology, it is words, he never met with me as implied and it caused me great pain when Bob Hill was told untruthfully that Bishop Dakin had met with me and Bob kept on and on asking me if it was true and when I had met with Dakin when I had not. I am furious at being used as a vessel for Bishop Dakin's lies!

Anyway, as this farcical situation continued and the news kept coming from Jersey and Wolvsley continued not to give a damn, I got to know the Jersey bloggers. Who have been the only comfort I have known apart from my friends, and even my friendships have been put under strain by this because since being traced and especially since being threatened by Bishop Tim, I have felt frightened and as if my life is paused and waiting for another beating and detention. And that is the fear that leads me to hope my life will end soon, chest pains over the last few days make me hopeful it will end before the Steele Farce is published because I have no wish to live through that.

Anyway, Bob Hill, a Jersey blogger, BEM, former MET police officer and Jersey politician, started asking me for my side of things, and talking about it has traumatized me, but I told him as best I could, and broke down when he questioned me again and again over things like the 'harrassment order' that I never got, which is to do with Jane Fisher attacking me with the police after trying to have me sectioned and leaving me on the run with my life in ruins and I never got the 'harrassment order'. But I remain traumatized for life by that, especially as that police attack by Fisher was followed by her claiming to 'offer counselling' to me through the police she attacked me with, even though no counselling would have worked at that point and the fact that she had not dealt with my complaint and had attacked me for wrongdoers and let them off the hook meant that nothing was going to help while my life was wrecked and I was broken and the wrongdoers were unpunished. So having to go over that with Bob again and again nearly killed me.

So, I continued to contact Wolvsley, puzzled as to why they seemed to have attacked my life with the police for absolutely nothing, and left me suffering. The Bishop replied through his chaplain's email address, which he always does, and this remains a very very silly and childish game of his, he replied by threatening me and I told him what I thought of him tracing me with the police only to threaten me with court orders, thus condoning the bad behaviour of Scott-Joynt, Fisher and Key, the only people who could have got me court orders, please note that I have no understanding of the police actions against me, only that I am branded mad and bad for life. I know of no court order that this Bishop who had shattered my life by having me traced could possibly have any right to either condone or threaten me with, but he did, and I saw my death clearly that day, because the only way, if this man condones the beatings and imprisonments, the only way I will escape him and his nasty little safeguarding officer who's title is a joke, and their police attacks is through death. So he took away the slight rebuild of my life that had come from two years escaped from Jane Fisher, he shattered it through the police attack and the threats and condoning of the way I had been treated and he shattered my life and heart and left me to deteriorate, as I am doing. Chest pains, chest pains, hope for death.

So, the hate campaign continued merrily, publicly and condoned by the Bishop and his threats, basically if he traced me to damn me like that after ignoring me, he was obviously happy to let me wiped out by the Jersey hate campaign, and yes, he did nothing.

Then he reinstated the Dean and said he had done nothing wrong, and he celebrated with the Dean in the press. On the Day that he reinstated the Dean, he sent me a message, not to warn me he was reinstating the Dean, and not to pass on the Dean's very very empty and vague 'apology' which didn't appear to have any content or be directed at anyone or for anything, but the Bishop contacted me that day regarding my emails to the Diocese for which he had threatened me, he contacted me regarding my emails which begged him to confirm that I would be safe from repeat violations, and the origin of my begging to be safe from violations after the police tracing of me was that Jane Fisher, both in Jersey and in Winchester on my return from Jersey in 2010, had slandered me to all churches in Winchester and then Romsey when I went there, had violated my privacy with police, social services, housing and other services, going behind my back and getting her and the Diocese side of things accross and ruining my name and leaving me raging, for which she had me attacked with the police. I was terrified and still am, that this harrassment for which I have no defence, will re-start, along with the police attacks. The Bishop did not respond to my begging for them not to intervene in my life until the day he reinstated the Dean. He replied in an email subject box saying 'no unsolicited intervention -confirmed' after I had been living in fear and begging to be assured I was safe for some time, and having been threatened.

So the Bishop forcibly violated my life and let me be shattered by his threats, the hate campaign and the clearing of the Dean of any misconduct, could things get any worse? yes.

I was spiralling downhill fast, the confidence and peace I had found in the life I was building and the gentle, steady therapy and the WRAP course that taught me to look after myself even when I was depressed or having flashbacks, was shattered and all the horror of not only everything that had happened, but also what people were saying had happened, ie the hate campaign, the awful Korris report that damages me and my character beyond repair because not only was it published as fact when it is not, but it also omitted my side and absolved jane Fisher of her behaviour to me. This ripped me apart in a way that you cannot possibly understand, I was already simply too psychologically damaged, can you begin to imagine, if you have not been traumatised too much, what something like this would do to someone?! And having to go through everything again with Bob and contact the advocate who let me be destroyed? It nearly drove me to suicide months ago. But the Bishop and Diocese coldly could not give a damn.

So, after a a very very close brush with suicide in April or May, in which I used everything I had been taught at WRAP and every atom of my strength and my loyalty to my friends in order to save my own life, the next shock was on it's way.

oh before I state the next shock, we were all made aware of the Bishop's laughable use of a PR company called Luther-Pendragon to handle this matter. The problem is, it was not just laughable but shocking, because it showed that the Bishop has no backbone but is a figurehead who cannot fight his own battles. Imagine a Bishop needing a worldly, Godless company who charge thousands of a Diocese who a few years ago had to lay off staff because of financial troubles, and this Bishop leaving a hungry and destitute abuse survivor on the streets and threatening her! Horrifying! 

So the next thing I knew was that Dame Heather Steele, a close colleague of Philip Bailhache, Richard Falle and other political and judicial figures who had been involved negatively either in my destroyal or the hate campaign, had 'approached Winchester' and 'offered to investigate', this screamed of corruption and whitewash and yet the Bishop ignored my concerns and other concerns and allowed this to proceed, but there has been a wait of months, and I hoped my objection to this conflicted investigation had been noted, but the Bishop has allowed it to go ahead. He has also licenced a member of jersey police to be involved, even though that is not ethical and my police records, which are inaccurate are presumably allowed to be accessed by Steele through this officer despite my objections, and Steele of course will not ask for my side of these inaccuracies as her aim will be to help Bailhache absolve the wrongdoers and villify me, easy done with the inaccurate records. 

So basically I am left waiting to be slaughtered and this has had a massive toll on my health.

The other side of the investigation, led by John Gladwin, would have also bypassed me if Bob Hill had not made contact with John Gladwin and made contact with John Gladwin again when John Gladwin was evasive and tried to bypass the questions about meeting with me.

A meeting did go ahead, although in 3 and a half hours I was barely able to explain to John Gladwin and Christine Daly my side of anything, it would take days for me to adequately verbalise what happened to me, and that three and a half hours appears to be all the interveiew time I will ever get with the investigation as it was done to make things appear fair after Bob pushed for an interview with John Gladwin, so with my side not adequately heard, the investigation proceeded.

John and Christine went to Jersey and were joined by a lawyer who Bob Hill described having concerns about, and who tried to tell him I was not branded by my destroyal and removal from Jersey. Bob commented to me that he did not trust this lawyer and also that John and Christine had 'let us down' and that I should not let them have my evidence as they would not necessarily be honest and might use the evidence to their own purposes and leave me let down. Well I am let down full stop, because nothing that happens now is going to help me.

I sent the Bishop 20 Questions like Bruce Willings did in the hate campaign against me, never expected an answer as the Bishop had made his stance on me very clear, he didn't give a damn, that was apparent in the threat he made and his reinstatement of the Dean with no warning to me and no attempt to pass the Dean's apology to me.

But funnily enough and probably for show, the Bishop started waffling in subject boxes, saying he would only email me on Fridays, which impressed me, if you can set clear boundaries like that then you have a chance of helping me, because you say a lot just by doing that.

But because of how damaged I now was by the Bishop, and because of my deteriorating health, I read the Bishop's subject boxes which were about how he wanted to email me and I said 'not yet' in many more words than that. But the Bishop knew he could email Bob Hill who was acting as my mediator, but Bob Hill told me that the Bishop ignored him.

The weekly requests by the Bishop to email me left me traumatized because I could anticipate his untruths about everything because of everything that had happened so far. and this wore me down and made me angry as I fell apart more and more from the strain of this nightmare that the Diocese of Winchester had launched on me from the day they attacked my new life through DC Jonathan Swift.

The Dame Steele enquiry went ahead despite protests. Dame Steele, in the very same style as everything else in this nightmare, didn't even bother to be civil or ask for my side of things or introduce herself. She tried to illegally gain access to my legal documents through my former advocate who had allowed the Diocese of Winchester to destroy me.

I was sickened to be contacted by the advocate and told this, sickened and traumatized to be contacted by the woman who had allowed the diocese to destroy me and had not defended me in any way. I was more sickened that Steele had been allowed to continue her biased investigation despite my formal complaints to the police about it being a conflict of interests and that rather than speaking to me and politely introducing herself and asking me to contact advocate Nicholl for the documents, she had attempted to illegally obtain them, which knowing her reputation and this biased investigation and the Jersey way, she will illegally obtain those same documents somehow from advocate Nicholl or another source, and I am helpless to stop her. Despite making it clear formally that I forbade this illegal action.

And at the same time, the Bishop decided that he had ahd enough of pretending to be polite and would try to force his views on me and jeer that I could 'get a friend' to read whatever smooth talk he had whipped up through Luther Pendragon, undoubtedly more smoothly veiled threats like the last time. Neither myself nor my friends will read anything or listen to anything from Bishop Dakin at any point, he had his say and gave his opinion in his threats and his reinstatement of the Dean.

Sadly it was a three-pronged attack, with a further effort from Christine Daly, after asking her and everyone else who to submit my evidence to, repeatedly, my query was ignored just as everything I have said has been ignored. She sent me an email making it clear that my query was ignored and that the investigation had proceeded without my evidence and that what little evidence they had of mine was to be picked to pieces and that I had no further say in the matter. It was already clear that this investigation was a sham. And Christine had previously caused me deep deep distress for which she hasn't apologized,  by taking a note of the EMDR therapy that my psychologist says I need and saying that she would see what could be done to enable that therapy, and then more recently sending a load of incomprehensible nonsense about the help I needed being Autism Wessex and Autism London, as if either of those were therapy or even accessible to me as neither are remotely near me and are NOT the therapy that we discussed. I apologized for my angry reaction but it was made quite clear to me through that that not a single person involved in this cares about my welfare, my distress, my needs, the impact of this on my whole life! This whole thing is like one hell of a horrible way to drive someone beyond reason and to suicide, and I am gritting my teeth and hanging on while my heart and blood pressure go mad! But I have nothing to live for, I am trapped in a limbo, waiting for this awful investigation which excludes me and my side, to conclude and kill me, the only possible outcome of something that excludes my views as the Korris report did and nearly killed me, is that I am to be ruined, I am to be destroyed, I am to be driven to death by suicide or stress or broken heart. I cannot take any more of this, the last four months have driven me to desparation and I know that the more distressed I get, the more likely I am, vulnerable and trapped by the Diocese, to be battered and locked up, which in turn is likely to stop my heart.

And remember, if the Diocese could trace me to attack my life after the Korris report, they could have traced me to include me in it instead of writing that utter rubbish that omitted Jane Fisher's destroyal of me, she is the reason I remain on the streets and that my wounds will never heal, her repeated rapes of my privacy and dignity and her attempts to have me branded insane and put away. The Diocese had my email addresses and the Korris report claims I blocked the Diocese whereas the truth is that I blocked Jane Fisher and I told her both times, in Jersey and in Winchester that I was blocking her because she traumatized me, Korris and the Diocese could have emailed me instead of printing that rubbbish that makes me want to die with shame and with outrage that fisher's back was covered and she makes herself look good while if someone better than her had been in charge then I would not be ruined and none of this would have happened. I would be in Jersey and working and sailing, whereas I live on the streets with scars nothing and no-one can heal.

I have been advised by my psychologist that the current traumatic situation means I cannot have EMDR, and even him working with me is risky because of the high levels of trauma and distress.

I am in a nightmare and cannot take any more shocks and attacks by the Diocese of Winchester. Two years after they finished destroying me is two years too late for a pretence of investigation which omits the very culprit of all the wrong, Jane Fisher, who lied, bullied, was devious, covered wrongdoers backs, blamed me, tried to 'teach me lessons' and covered for people who attacked me on  behalf of the abusers and wrongdoers, excusing them by saying I was not attacked, that I had done wrong and that people had apologized and therefore it was all ok, even though that particiular attack was done on the grounds of slander and gossip, and then Jane Fisher is responsible for the police attacks that have left me with no future, because the brutalizations and detentions scream deep deep in my soul and I will never feel safe indoors again, will never be employable again with a record like that and never be able to live with myself because of it. At age 32, my life is over, and yet I am suffering it all again because the Diocese have used it all as an excuse to launch on me and smash me to smithereens again. I was finished and as good as dead before their attack, but I was peaceful, because I felt I ahd escaped them at last.

And yet they have been allowed to use the police to attack me and violate me despite evrything and they have gone from that to leave me shaking and with chest pains and suffering flashbacks, fury, sorrow and fear, for nothing beneficial to me, just open-ended destroyal and no sign at all that I will ever escape them. It is much more likely that this kills me, and maybe police beatings and detentions will be involved, than the very remote chance that I get to walk away with no further damage, that is very remote indeed, and I can assure you I do not know what I did to deserve this, I was already fully punished in a way that I would never recover from for being autistic, being abused, being dependent, fighting back to wrong treatment and standing up to Jane Fisher's rapes of my life and privacy.

There was no need to do this to me, I would die out here anyway, probably in the winter or when I couldn't get food and my blood sugar got too low, but it would have been peaceful, being driven to my death this way is horrific.

****** - I have been forced to be called ****** again even though it is not my legal name, the one DC Swift violently ripped off me