Friday, 13 June 2014

St. Saviour, staying with the churchwarden part 3

I realise I started but didn't finish a point about the churchwarden's wife, when I asked the churchwarden where his wife was as I needed prayer for something, the time he said 'oh women's problems?' and he wanted to know all about it! She looked scared when I went to her and said I had a problem, just she looked scared when he took me home that first time.
The churchwarden started telling me about a homeless girl he had taken home one time, but his wife would not let him talk about this.
Basically I was an idiot not to realise that these people had a history, and the churchwarden asking me to be his daughter not long after he met me, and not taking no for an answer, should have caused me concern, but I still though church was a safe place.

Here is a song that reminds me of Jersey, it was always on the radio when I was there, and I reworked it one time, the video is a very good reminder of Jersey.
 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4T6e3GJCjow

And this of that awful church https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CZw2J2kfM44




  • The churchwarden used to pick me up and hug me in the church car park, and that occasionally got stares and disapproving looks from the alcoholic caretaker and his wife who lived onsite. The churchwarden's wife did not like him doing this, and it always rather startled me anyway. But I remember the churchwarden's wife saying it could affect his CRB check if people saw him doing this, which always seemed very strange indeed. Hugging me would not affect his CRB check!
  • The churchwarden and his wife didn't tell me about his dismissal from St. Pauls, well he told me a different version, that he was dismissed by mistake and he forgave them. He told me that Ian LeMarquand, the reader at St.Pauls, who was also the magistrate of the island, was his friend, and Ian LeMarquand's daughter said her dad said it was a sad day when the churchwarden was dismissed from St. pauls.
  • One thing I can assure you, when Philip Bailhache sent his defamatory letter about me, he claimed the churchwarden couple were a stable loving family to me, that is certainly not true, the situation was: One very loving 'Daddy' who crossed boundaries and was not ok, and one 'Mummy' who resented being suddenly made 'Mummy' to a socially awkward and scruffy young adult who did not fit her 'gracious lady' scenario, as she wemt around trying to be a 'lady' and trying to 'be the hostess' at church events, I always asked why she was the 'hostess' and not the Vicar's wife or the other churchwarden's wife, she was a fragile unhappy lady under the mask, and having a 'daughter' forced into her life by her husband was unfair.
  • But so were some of the things she said and did in reaction to it, I was left very wounded. As much by this as the regression and sexual abuse.


  • The other factor was St. Andrews church, and that is not isolated from the abuse, it is interconnected. 
  • The other churchwarden was watching me and the churchwarden, if the churchwarden took me to the office alone, the other churchwarden would come to the office. He was always nice and polite to me, but I was so shy, I never dared speak to him, the reason the abusive churchwarden could speak to me was that he approached me, the other churchwarden always hung back, seemed shy, but was nice to me, I am sure he had concerns but he never did anything, and he should have.
  • The Korris report entirely incorrectly says that I was told about the chaperoning policy by Philip LeClaire, this did not happen, I was never told about it, the Korris rubbish and the blogs are the first I heard of it.
  • But obviously St. Andrews church knew of this chaperoning policy. And, they didn't implement it. An example is that time when they had all night prayer and the churchwarden was to be at that, but his wife wasn't. I was to join him for the all night prayer, which took place throughout the church and the church rooms, with different prayer activities.
  • The churchwarden stayed with me during these activities, and we were alone in church rooms a number of times, despite other people in the church being aware of this. The churchwarden took me into a room where a man was sitting praying with his eyes closed, the churchwarden held my hand and told me about how he told some shy girls on Walk Cumbria about married people 'enjoying each other's bodies', which was another expression the churchwarden often used.
  • People came in and out of rooms where I was alone with the churchwarden and although one elderly lady who was a strong church member and friend of the churchwarden and his wife, hesitated, she said nothing. No one told me about chaperoning, and no one did anything.

  • I was trying to find the document about all night prayer and what happened afterwards that Philip LeClaire described as 'grooming' But I found another statement that I will post instead.
  • When this statement was written I was under the condemnation of the collaberation of the Dean, the Vicar and his Wife, EY and his wife, JM, and half the community, hence this and other statements being very defensive and attempting to explain everything.
  • This statement is very heavy stuff, written at the beginning of a four year breakdown, from which I started to recover in 2012, just before the Diocese launched on me and wrecked my life again. And it was written without knowing that the churchwarden was under a chaperoning policy and had a history of inappropriate behaviour.
Statement from 2008, edited for John Gladwin and Christine Daly:


·         He ‘adopted’ me when he’d known me only two weeks and hardly knew me, there was no real discussion about me being their ‘daughter’, but he and Ey’s wife were at odds about from the beginning. And I was to call them mummy and daddy, but to be excluded from their family and family parties.
·         He shouldn’t have done therapy on me if he was my daddy, he shouldn’t have done sexual therapy on me.
·         He and Ey’s wife between them repeatedly made me feel small and rubbish while making out that they were helping me.
·         EY caused bigger problems between me and St. A’s than there already were.
·         EY and Ey’s wife have never apologised for anything, not even Christmas, I was forbidden to talk about Christmas, but EY talked about their side of Christmas to The Vicar’s wife, and I was very shocked, but I was ‘punished’ for reacting. I was down on my knees apologising and trying to put everything right all the time, even though I was reacting to the way I was being treated and the situation that EY had created.
·         If EY casts any doubts on my integrity, it may be that my former therapist can explain that I do have integrity, and explain any of the things I do, she is highly skilled in trauma cases, but she should only be contacted if necessary and please ask first, as she is retired due to health problems. If EY and Ey’s wife had perfect integrity, then they would have talked this all through rather than running for ‘advice’ and throwing me away.
·         July 07 Friendship started with EY ‘adopting’ me after 2 weeks
·         August, EY was already talking about sex and there was already a division between EY saying I was daughter and Ey’s wife being much more reluctant about that, I was expected to call her mummy though and was ‘told off’ if I didn’t.
·         September, by now EY was upsetting me and I was struggling at St. A’s.
·         October, I think Ey’s hand slips started then, and the emotional games were happening.
·         November, EY got me to live with them,  Ey’s wife was reluctant, and Ey’s games were starting
·         December, a terrible Christmas where I was told that I would be welcome, but I spent most of Christmas alone. EY went through a very intensive phase of loving me in the week after Christmas, it felt like he was trying to be my lover and I got confused.
·         January,
·         February08, I was becoming quite depressed and unsettled.
·         March, a very painful birthday, EY told me before I went to England for my birthday that I was not daughter, but he and Ey’s wife sent me away with a card on my birthday that said I was daughter, I was very miserable and hurt and confused. EY had another phase of being extremely intimate with me as well, this was when he sat me on his lap on the sofa and was kissing my lips goodnight and seemed excited.
March/April, a row when I was told by EY that I wasn’t daughter and I lost my temper and told Ey’s wife that EY had said inappropriate things.
·         April, there was a row when EY tried once again to say I was in love with him, and I moved out without saying goodbye, I was ill and refused to go back for supper for a week or two. I could see no future for the friendship but I loved them, it was horrible, I was ill.
·         April/May,  Mission and New Wine CI, EY attempted to ‘Guideline’ me, and I was rejected from the ‘family’ when I reacted by saying that EY was causing some of my behaviour by what he was doing. Ey’s wife told me that they had ‘taken advice about me, they never talked things through with me, despite an attempt at reconciliation  from my side after ‘repenting’ because of the way The Vicar who was one of the people running New Wine, set up a situation where I was left feeling that I needed to change my view and start afresh. When I went back to Ey’s wife and EY they pretended that I was there daughter, it was a very see through pretence, and EY repeatedly told me very blatantly that Ey’s wife did not want me.
June/July, the deterioration continued and the friendship ended as EY continued to get at me with Ey’s wife’s opinion and blaming me and my behaviour. He also caused great distress by saying he had to discuss with The Vicar whether or not he could ‘continue working with me’, there was very clearly no ‘work’ between me and EY, he had said I was daughter, and there was no therapy agreement.

(basically I should not have been feeling to blame here, the Vicar should have involved me in the discussion, especially as I had already mentioned abuse, and the reason EY should have been discussing it with the Vicar should have been because the Vicar was aware, from me, that there was a problem and he should have been discussing wether or not, as I had already said inappropriate things were happening, EY should have been working with me at all, EY made it out to be my problem, not his 13/06/2014)

EY and Ey’s wife after the Guidelines incident were not ‘mum’ and ‘Dad’ or ‘mummy’ and ‘daddy’, they never explained or clarified this, but talking, on the phone, in emails, and any conversation they called themselves by their names, I was not ‘daughter’ or ‘precious daughter’ anymore, and though I went on loving EY as a father despite what he’d done, when I said ‘daddy’ to him, I got sharp looks and no response, he would cuddle me if Ey’s wife wasn’t there, and would not cuddle me if she was. All of this was very painful for me, I really felt that I had done great wrong, and that I was to blame, and EY and Ey’s wife certainly encouraged those feelings with their opinions, me trying to make it all ok I kept buying Ey’s wife flowers and presents, trying to be nice, but Ey’s wife kept going on about my behaviour and the hurt was unbearable, I could see no future, I had lost the adoptive family that ‘God had sent me to’, I was a failure. EY had said in the past that God had sent me to them, but EY never told me that God had told them to throw me away when things went wrong, they were just walking away and not concluding or healing anything, they knew I was ill, I went to hospital, I lost my hair, I thought I would die from suicide or the vomiting and the pressure in my head, I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t eat, I spent days wandering around not really knowing where I was, and I had to give up work because I was no longer capable of work. EY and Ey’s wife slammed me for not working as well, even when I started work part time again when I was well enough, my illness/work record are checkable. My hospital visits/hair loss are checkable. My seeing therapist and speaking to former therapist are checkable, and any doubts of my integrity can be settled by my former therapist in England, please understand that I am not denying behaving badly, but it has been in reaction to the way I have been treated. I have been in unimaginable pain because of the way the Ys treated me, because of the way they shared this mistreatment of me with the Taylors and any other church people.
·         I have been to their church, looking for the loving God that they took away from me. Trying to understand what they did to me in the name of God.
·         I have attacked them verbally, the pain and distress and the fact that they blamed me and walked away sent me out of control.
·         I have had failed friendships before, I am told that even normal people have, but I have never had a friendship like the one that the Ys did, nor do I have huge amounts of failed friendships, at present I am counting three ‘true failures’ including the Ys and they have damaged other relationships of mine here, I have never been ‘taken over’ and hurt to this level before, and the ‘family/not family’, abuse and being controlled and maligned issue has wounded me more deeply than anything ever has. I am sorry that I have reacted, I was dehumanised, could anyone have done any better? The Ys never apologised, they were outraged, wounded ‘Good Christians’, ‘only trying to help me’ and I ‘was so ungrateful’.
·          

·         When I wrote to EY and Ey’s wife when I was house sitting for their son, I wrote because problems with EY were occurring, this was in October/November last year and EY had created a situation where I was alone with him in a room, and had then said about people talking, just after that he had told me off sharply for kissing his cheek as I hugged him, ‘what will people think’, today I kissed my friend’s cheek after the remembrance day service, I have known her since I was seventeen, no one, not me, not her, not anyone imagines that anything inappropriate is happening there, it is ridiculous that EY was playing with my emotions like that, yet when I wrote to them I was told off, I wrote because speaking about these things is hard for me, but I was told off, called a few names by Ey’s wife and told that my letters would be burned, EY kept a file of my letters, and I took the file off them when I left (Some of these have been gathered together and handed to the police, including the above letters), but the Ys will have a very big file of my letters and emails since the friendship hit trouble, some of which are cruel and terrible because I have been so ill and hurt, they showed the Dean the letters and emails when they saw him, before I got to see him, and basically ensured that the Dean was unwilling to help me, he told me that they were sitting in his study distressed and sorrowful, but EY and Ey’s wife always blamed me, they showed no sorrow with me as they turned away without an apology and left me with the blame.
·         For some reason EY thought it was alright for him to phone my friend JM, to try and justify what he did as ‘therapy’, even a trained therapist with a clear contract with a client must never be sexual with a client, and a member of family cannot be a therapist to another member of family. I really had no idea what was happening with EY, he called me daughter and I wanted a father, I wanted to belong to a family, especially a Christian family, the boundaries that EY moved and moulded constantly confused and disorientated me, right from the beginning, but I was blamed, always, EY was there, dominating, gently touching, telling me that I was wrong and my reactions were ‘not from God’, he was ‘the man’, ‘in charge’, I heard him say many times to people about other things and situations that ‘he was always right’. EY didn’t phone me to explain and apologise, he phoned Reverend JM without my permission, broke into a long standing  friendship and damaged it, he, and then Ey’s wife told JM ‘all the terrible things I had been doing’, and JM who has her own way of thinking, and doesn’t believe in Asbergers Syndrome, tried to tell me off, and got deeply involved, caused further misunderstandings, and my friendship with her (she was like a mother to me) is irreparably damaged, I have known JM since I was a teenager and she was incredibly precious to me, despite truly not understanding autism, the effects of abuse etc, I wouldn’t even say that my friendship with JM was always free of problems, her husband has a violent temper and I was the victim of that for many years and wont miss it, but there was plenty of love and mutual senses of humour between me and JM, and I adored and respected her, losing JM is very grave for me, and it is another violation like EY getting Jonathan Mortimer’s advice and trying to put me under guidelines . JM also believes that abusers are just victims themselves, I don’t sexually abuse, so its no excuse.
Nor has the church dealt with this breach of confidence and crossing of professional boundaries by JM, instead they upheld her and the Ys and the Dean in collaborating to vilify me.
·          JM talking to me after EY had talked to her, mentioned something about Ey’s wife workplace, as if she was telling me that EY had said I had been going up there to pester him, EY encouraged me to go to his work, he took me to his work even, that was where I heard him say several ‘I am always right’ s when people queried things he’d done. It was also in one of Ey’s wife Romeril’s warehouses, building a trolley for church, that EY first asked me about being raped, I ran away from him and hid behind a solid object, he came after me, ‘you were raped weren’t you? Yes you were, weren’t you, come here’ EY took me in his arms, I was very very ashamed, I couldn’t speak and I was close to tears, I couldn’t look up, I kept my head down and hid again when he let me go. Then he wanted to know if I’d had a baby and he told me that he’d heard that women felt dirty and ashamed when they’d been raped. EY built a trolley and I stayed hiding but I raced the trolley round the empty warehouse like a skateboard when he’d finished.
EY told Ey’s wife that I’d told him I’d been raped, she was upset, I told Ey’s wife that I hadn’t been whinging to EY about my past, that EY had been questioning me.
Why did EY need to know that I’d been raped? Ey’s wife had already said ‘no more questions’, why didn’t EY make sure someone else was there when he questioned me? As when he tried to put guidelines on me, EY was alone, being ‘The man’.
When I was alone with EY at St. A’s (Satandrews) helping with maintenance work, EY would stop work and cuddle me, he was always talking about ‘people talking’ and ‘what will people think’, yet he wanted to cuddle me where people could turn up and did, I liked lots of cuddles, like a little child with her father, but I couldn’t cope with the ‘what will people think?’ I had no idea how to react, he was pressing the fears onto me and I didn’t know what to do. How could he blame me for everything when he was hurting me like this?
·         EY talked about the announcements columns, about people having illegitimate babies, I agreed that it was nothing to be proud of, but judge not, you don’t know what happened, EY laughed and said ‘oh, the girl knew what happened’, I told him what if one of those children was created by forcing but the mother decided to be proud of the child anyway. Judge not.
·          
·         EY will probably have any ‘witnesses’ to his kind and cuddly behaviour at Saint Andrews briefed to support him, he is a saint there, he runs the church for The Vicar, it utterly amazed me that that Vicar has one church, he doesn’t bother with Saturday Prayer services, he leaves the Churchwardens to run most of the formal Sunday services, while he just gets up to do a very poor sermon in the middle, sometimes he doesn’t even do that, there is a reader, EY Y’s best friend, Neville Brooks, who was with EY when he was dismissed from St. Pauls and moved with him to St. A’s.
‘I am leading the service’ said EY proudly, and he does, or the other churchwarden does. This Vicar has one church, JM has five and tries to be everywhere, truly makes herself ill trying to be everywhere, look after everyone and run everything properly. She leads the services, Yet The Vicar timeserves and makes a disabled person in his congregation feel so rubbish that they leave.
·         The Vicar was on the leadership of New Wine Channel Islands and set the situation up to suit him.
·         EY talked about spanking my bottom sometimes, one time he was offering to do that I told him it was wrong but that I gave him the benefit of the doubt about his thoughts about me, he didn’t say anything. He did slap my bottom gently when I was on the sofa, resting against him, and he did stroke and touch my bottom, he will just have included it in his healing touch and deny that he was doing anything wrong though.
·         I am sure that at least some of Ey’s hugs could just be innocent and loving hugs, and maybe he just wanted to help me, but he hurt me and Ey’s wife hurt me and the Vicar and his wife hurt me and they all walked off and left me hurting, and made out that I was the one in the wrong.
·         . Resting my head on Ey’s wife belly was what he taught me, I would lie on the sofa with my head cuddled into his belly, thumb in mouth and the rest of my hand resting on him, he also encouraged me to rest my head on his lap, he didn’t mind me resting my head close to his body on his lap, facing him, but I minded and would only rest away from him with my head facing his knees, even little girl knew that there were boundaries somewhere and that he was a man. Ey’s wife was in the room and accepted or ignored this closeness so I thought it was ok. Ey’s wife never cuddled up to EY on the sofa, if they were together on the sofa, Ey’s wife tended to stay the opposite end of the sofa, but that seems to be Ey’s wife likes space in the evenings and she was always tired, in the mornings at breakfast EY and Ey’s wife were very cuddly and intimate in the kitchen though.
·         When I kissed EY on the cheek when he hugged me goodbye on the way to work one day he said, ‘Are you getting fresh with your daddy?’ I was startled, Ey’s wife was there in the room I don’t know if she saw the kiss, I was not getting fresh (means being naughty?), I was kissing my daddy goodbye. How could he even begin to imply that I would misbehave with him in front of his wife What did he think Ey’s wife would think? Why would he make a comment like that when he knew that Ey’s wife was unsettled about ‘daughter’ Why did he tend to kiss my lips or neck when Ey’s wife wasn’t there? One time I kissed his cheek he said, ‘Oh I mustn’t kiss you back, it wouln’t be right’ an dhe said something about me waiting for a boyfriend, digusting man. I NEVER kissed him sexually and my kisses were not sexual, sexuality was the last thing I was thinking. I thought I’d found my daddy, a confusing, charming, distressing daddy. He seemed to almost want me to misbehave, but I couldn’t. My kisses to his cheeks were innocent and seeing as he was so tactile, if his touch me was innocent, why did he think that my kisses were not? especially as he never withdrew the touch and holding when he slammed me for kissing him, he never stopped hugging me when he accused me of ‘being in love with him’ I was the one who occasionally withdrew hugs when he was tormenting me by ‘oh, wife is upset with us hugging so much’, etc, and his kisses to my lips and neck, what was I supposed to think? And he obviously made Ey’s wife think that there was a problem, EY emotionally tortured me, I could not misbehave with him, it is like smoking and getting drunk, I cannot do it, and I was being criminalised, would you have known what to do? If you had been me, autistic, thinking God had answered your prayers for a family, behaving honourably with a very loving very confusing daddy and a mummy who didn’t want a daughter but wanted to help ‘as a good Christian’. Would you have left them or gone mad? Would you have shrugged it all off, seen better, walked away, I thought they were the wonderful Christian family I looked for, they helped me, took me over, I was theirs, but I wasn’t really ‘family’, I had to stop existing on Christmas eve, and when it was Ey’s  stepmother’s party, the ironic thing is, Ey’s stepmother took his dad away and left Ey’s  mother to raise four children in poverty, Ey’s mother died because she went without food in order to feed her children apparently, according to Ey’s wife, but Ey’s  brother arranged a nice party for the stepmum, and EY and Ey’s wife went along with their daughter in law, granddaughter etc, left me at home, I wasn’t to exist that day, I wasn’t good enough even though I would never take a man from his wife, I was non-existent, but Ey’s wife talked about the party for days, how the little granddaughter had so much fun, me being only an adoptive daughter was not deserving of any good things, fun, parties, I couldn’t even exist, especially after Christmas after I had done such great wrong in walking out after Ey’s wife rejected me.
·         They have the Birthday Card they gave me, I sent it back, it says precious daughter, but EY sent me away for my birthday saying I ‘wasn’t daughter’, he said to me ‘not precious daughter now, precious person’, and this was how it was for months daughter/not daughter, and I was always not daughter with family and excluded from parties.
·         Ey’s wife wanted me to just go away, she was saying to EY ‘ maybe ******should go on travelling, as she planned to’. Ey’s wife didn’t like me having opinions, ok my opinion of not liking newsreaders playing with emotions is strong, Ey’s wife knew I was autistic, the excess emotion annoyed me, but Ey’s wife has strong opinions, she was raging and crying about Senator Syvret, Haute De La Garrene, all sorts of things, she ends up crying and looking like death, one day she did that about me for some unknown reason, and EY happily said to me ‘You’ve made my wife ill!’ nothing else, no attempt to help, and  I went to Ey’s wife and tried to comfort her, I certainly can’t ‘make people ill’, but Ey’s wife had her hands like claws and pushed me away, I was terrified and distressed, there was no talk it through and after a day or two when I got home from work, Ey’s wife rushed to greet me, hugged me and hugged me though I was distressed and afraid and wanted her to leave me alone, she had got me a big bar of chocolate that I didn’t want so I put it in Ey’s wife supper, Ey’s wife kept talking to me and I wanted her to leave me alone, she was all nice nice nice, but Ey’s wife didn’t like me and I was afraid of her. Me to blame? I just make people ill when they are kind to me? How can I live with this, even now?
·         Why why why? the above paragraph, EY should not have brought me home to a wife who did not want a daughter, especially not a disabled one, who had nothing, it was very clear from the start that there was a division of opinions on me between EY and Ey’s wife, because they were telling me different things about my ‘place in the family’, Ey’s wife said I would never be really like a daughter, and EY was saying that I was their adoptive daughter and Ey’s wife would get used to me but she didn’t and wouldn’t, she loves her stylish well off daughters in law, because its all the latest fashions, the gossip, the foreign countries, I was nothing, scruffy, quiet, not interested in oneupmanship or complaining about things. But Ey’s wife wanted to be a ‘Good Christian’, which is why she tolerated me and shouted about me when I wasn’t supposed to know. They had chosen to call me daughter, and I was called daughter by EY, I was expected to call them Mummy and Daddy or mum and dad by EY, I called them EY and Ey’s wife if anything was wrong and got told off, Ey’s wife didn’t want to be Mum, occasionally she went through phases of really trying to be Mum, ‘oh we would do all this for the boys you know’. But I was excluded from parties, I was just ‘left at home’ and Ey’s wife would talk and talk about these parties, she would have excluded me from Christmas I believe, but I think EY got his way. I could have been in England for Christmas, but I ended up alone for most of Christmas anyway, Ey’s wife got her way, but I was not allowed to talk about Christmas afterwards and they didn’t apologise, even though EY talked to The Vicar’s wife about Christmas and made me sick.
·         Then I was dumped when I said EY had been naughty, I was no longer precious daughter, these ‘good christians’ dumped me rather than take any responsibility.
·         I did react badly to things they did, said, shouted, I did react to the way St. A’s Church treated me. How was I supposed to deal with it all? They were ‘helping’ me, but how could I take all the things they did, said, blamed on me? I couldn’t, and I wanted to be ‘part of the family’ EY brought me into the family and I really really wanted to belong with these smart, intelligent, secure people, to be loved good enough and belong, but I couldn’t, smashed dreams. I got them presents at Christmas, birthdays, mothers day, fathers day, I suffered a very serious rejection from Ey’s wife at mothers day and I took the cards and put them in the bin(I got her two cards, and chocolate and flowers), I tried to be ok and understand how to be, but I was always wrong and hurting. At my birthday I went to England because EY and Ey’s wife were going to their sons wedding, they threw some money at me as a birthday present and I was sad, and EY said I wasn’t daughter and I was depressed, ill  and crying for my birthday and easter in England, especially when I opened the card that said ‘daughter’, when I got back I didn’t want to be there, EY kept on at me ‘you’re pleased to be back, you’re pleased to be back aren’t you’, I wasn’t but EY is a steamroller so I had to answer yes, Ey’s wife was in a bad mood when I got back, they had just got back and Ey’s wife was snapping but EY said ‘she does that when she’s tired’. Not long after that there was the row on the landing ‘Why does St. A’s Church think I am a slut when EY is the one being inappropriate, saying inappropriate things?’ End of March?
·         I was confused about EY crossing boundaries, EY should have been more responsible, I wasn’t too sure about what he was doing sometimes, but I haven’t had an adoptive daddy before, especially not someone like EY, and I am told that not being looked after properly by my real dad probably meant that I didn’t have a good example set anyway so I was confused when EY was playing games with me, it would never have been easy for me to walk away from EY and Ey’s wife, it wasn’t even in the end, I went back to them after New Wine, begged on my knees to still be daughter, no apology from their side, me taking all the blame, even up until July I couldn’t let go, though I was realising more and more that they had really really hurt me.
·         I temporarily left Saint Andrews, probably in March, I was feeling so small and wounded and I had lost sight of God, I even stopped going to St. Pauls or any church for a few weeks, but St.Pauls people actually made a fuss and made sure I went back, aren’t they amazing? My faith was low but they truly cared about me and wanted me to be ok, they have kept praying and helping me. I started going to St. A’s after New Wine, because I felt that maybe I’d been wrong, maybe they were right, because of the manipulated situation at New Wine. But St. A’s got no better for my fresh approach, and after I left EY and Ey’s wife, I went to St. Ouens and was so overwhelmed with the quality of service there that I wrote to the vicar saying how wonderful I had found the church, I went to St. A’s a few more times, and was sad and depressed by it and by the way I was treated. I cried through the last time I was there, and I have been up there and upset their prayers on Saturday a few times by telling God about EY, sorry, I have stopped doing that. EY  will undoubtedly use all my furious letters in his defence, and a shredded photograph of him and me, I wrote on the back about him ‘fucking with his daughter’s mind and body’, that was one of the photographs he sent me to England with just before christmas, ‘show your friends the pictures of you with mummy and daddy’, he really did say it, but then there was my rejection from his family at Christmas and the stepmums party, how would you cope? Being told to tell your friends about mummy and daddy, then being very deliberately excluded at family occasions and the party on Christmas eve, I was alone most of Christmas eve night, they hadn’t told me that I would be, Ey’s wife made a feeble lie about they’d been running errands, they hadn’t, they’d been to a party with their son.
·         Any ‘problems I have ever had in churches before have been minor, trying to understand church when I first started going, wanting to help out with things but feeling that I was overlooked (I did help in the end), being afraid of church because of my background, seeing a respected youth and mission leader arrested for child abuse and child porn, having other well meaning couples getting too involved in ‘running my life’ – NEVER to the extent that EY and Ey’s wife have, and I was not sexually abused or completely controlled by either of these other two couples, and the amount of friends I have made in church and out of church who there are NO problems with is endless, there are millions of them, like ants, are my friends like ants? Thats a bit rude of me.
·         But I like lots of space too, because I am autistic. I prefer to live with other people rather than being alone, but I like privacy and running my own life.
·          I have a bit of a quick temper but I have to be annoyed or afraid to get cross, I tend to be very submissive and apologetic if I am told off for an error, but my temper comes out when someone keeps on at me or is being unreasonable, or if I feel trapped or unfairly blamed, people do blame me and my problems for their errors occasionally and my self esteem is very very low, attacking EY and Ey’s wife is not all self righteousness it is very very deep pain, their image is ‘Good Holy Christians’ but what they did to me is not good or holy, EY using sexuality on me could not just have been ‘Righteous, blameless healing’, he must have been enjoying it, and he, as a Christian and a married man, should have known better, he told JM he was trying to heal my sexually based problems with sexuality or something. EY could have helped me by contributing to my very high therapy fees if he’d cared, not told me about his sex life while I was on his knee like a child, not terrified me by pinning me down or distressed me by asking about rape, then slamming me for my distress about these things, therapists cannot punish their clients for reactions to therapy and daddies and mummies cannot do therapy on their daughter. Why did EY need to do sexual and physical therapy, but not talk through problems in the daddy, mummy and daughter relationship, why didn’t he do church phobia therapy or mediate with Vicar  and The Vicar’s wife therapy, it’s as if he wanted that rift there.
·         And why didn’t EY stop the therapy if he saw I was going downhill? Nothing stopped until I moved out and Ey’s wife seemed to warn EY off a bit. Why couldn’t they have apologised, I might be less angry, I was always apologising, boosting their ‘we’re right, you’re wrong’ attitude. Oh, and I was in genuine therapy at the time and the therapist told me that EY was doing wrong and I should slap him on the nose 13/06/2014
·         EY told me that Ey’s wife was traumatised by me and close to a breakdown (it didn’t seem to matter that I was traumatised by them and had had several  minor breakdowns), he said she was still traumatised by what happened at St. Pauls (I don’t know any details, he told me they were wrong in dismissing him, they tell me that he was taking over pastoral care and doing things he had no right to do.), EY said Ey’s wife didn’t want me alone with him and there was a danger that she would say that he was to have no contact with me, EY left me to deal with this, Ey’s wife was being ok with me at the time, but after one more conversation like this, when I had been in tears all day and EY callously went through a similar load of comments, I emailed EY telling him that he had done wrong and I couldn’t take the blame any more.
·         St. Pauls still remember the upset of EY being dismissed, I have never mentioned it to them, but they talked about it during a conflict in church discussion, It was the vicar before Paul Brooks who sacked him, and EY proudly told me that he stayed on some of the committees for some time and ‘helped to choose Paul Brooks as vicar’, but he told me that some people were angry that he stayed on after being sacked. St. Pauls is a gentle, kind church, or so I thought before I was maligned to them and thus shunned 13/06/14, but the way EY talked about it when I was new to Jersey and loved him as Daddy, I felt I hated them and never wanted to go there, as it is, St. Pauls have been a lifeline to me and I am glad I sought refuge from the Ys and St. A’s there. Well they made me unwelcome because St. Andrews maligned me to them, although some people continued to be friendly, and it was another cult church which manipulated people.
·         Please don’t let the Vicar coupleand the Ys hurt anyone else, they have totally and utterly rubbished me, I was on my knees apologising because I didn’t realise that it couldn’t all be my fault, the way they made me feel rubbish, unwanted, useless. They righteously ‘pray about me’ Ey’s wife told me they ‘pray about me’, but that was when they’d thrown me away, and what is the point of hurting someone that much and ‘praying it all away’, the real God just doesn’t work that way, these church leaders think they can be irresponsible and then pray away the damage they’ve done, and I feel so far from God and so much beyond prayer because of them.
·         I was invited to do a ‘plumbline course’ (IN Jersey, run by the cult element of churches there)
 which is supposed to heal people with emotional problems, I went in to the course and ran out again, it was run by the people who had done the ‘signs and wonders’ at the beginning of my time at St. A’s, what they were doing was purely frightening and dangerous, I had a minor breakdown that day. In contrast I went to a taster evening run by the Bridge Pastoral Foundation, (In Hampshire, run by a lovely organization).
 the courses offered by them were also on emotional and spiritual healing but were neither frightening nor dangerous, the courses were good solid stuff, rooted in real Christianity and run in a way that really, even in that evening brought comfort to me and distanced me from the terrors of St. A’s Church, brought me back towards the God of Love, who I have lost and grieve for.
·         God of Love and Truth come back to me, don’t let the Ys and the Ts throw this serious matter away as rubbish, label me as trouble and walk on to hurt others. I do have problems but the Ys seem to have been able to use Your Name to leave me broken beyond hope while taking no responsibility and I can’t let them do this to others, Lord have mercy. Amen









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