Thursday, 12 June 2014

Jersey church 2007

The churchwarden walked with me and talked, and then when I went home, I didn't see him for two weeks.
Presumably because I was working and because St. Andrews didn't have a weekly evening service? Or am I mistaken?
The churchwarden didn't normally attend the evening services at St. Andrews anyway, he normally went to the evening service at the town church, where he and his wife would often sit with the Dean's wife, and would chat to the Dean, who the churchwarden respected and often often talked about, the churchwarden also sent some rather graphic letters to the paper in support of the Dean at one point, something to do with safe sex.
This was in the early days and it did shock me, because talking about sex that way in public is not normal.

Anyway, so the second time I met the churchwarden, he was again at the evening service at St. Andrews, and this surprised me as he had told me he was usually at the town church in the evenings.

But he said he had come in the hope that I was there.

So, the churchwarden had come to find me, and I still saw nothing wrong with that, after all, apart from FM abusing me, and Malcolm being charged with paedophilia, I didn't associate the church with abuse, I knew many good church people, had many friends who were readers, churchwardens or on PCCs, (who all and one closed ranks against me as a result of this horrifying matter).
But, anyway, again the churchwarden took me out away from church, with the Vicar and his wife watching and aware of this, but not warning me of the churchwarden's history.

The churchwarden took me for a walk, and he was, right from the start not behaving normally or appropriately, but I didn't know any better.

He took my hand as he walked me through St. Andrews Park and down to the seafront.
Now, I think I was surprised, but I was used to good people, I was not so used to good people holding my hand, apart from JM, who did tend to be very affectionate and touched and cuddled me a lot, but she was female and had been my friend a long time.

So, anyway, as we walked down the park, the churchwarden told me that he wanted to 'take me as a daughter'
This use of old fashioned language was a trait of his, it was a mixture of Jersey was old fashioned, and the cult element of the church meant they often used Biblical language, and misused it.
For example, the churchwarden always referred to sperm as 'seed' and often talked about a 'mans seed going into a woman', kind of trying to talk like 2000 years ago and sounding silly.
Trying to talk or sing as if Biblical language is part of now is an affectation that the Church of England specializes in.
Some of what they sing, on endless repeat, at St. Andrews and St. Matthews, has no meaning or place in today's world and is not honouring to God but meaningless.

A very boring example is 'we've been through fire, we've been through rain'
er, I doubt you have been through fire, and as for rain, that is a normal part of life, get over it.
But as I said, that is a boring example. There are so many more, it is not about God but affectation and messing with emotions.

But Jesus warned against vain repetition.

So, the churchwarden told me he had been told by God to take me as a daughter, and he didn't give me much choice in the matter, he wanted the answer to be yes when he asked if he could be a father to me.

But anyway, the churchwarden was very intrusive when he took me down to walk on the seafront alone, 2 weeks after I met him, he wanted to know if I had used drink or drugs, he wanted my father's name and contact number and he acted as if we were back in a time when someone's father had responsibility for them or was their next of kin, which wasn't the case in my case.

The churchwarden was holding my hand as we walked, and he got me to sit with him in a shelter on the seafront, he hald my hand but when some children were nearby, he let go, as if guilty. Which confused me.
He told me he was a dinghy instructor and would teach me to sail, and he told me he had grown up in Jersey and remembered the sound of the sea on the rocks at Havre des Pas in his childhood, he told me he had gone to England and married and come home with his wife and two sons.

Eventually the churchwarden said he had to go home or his wife would be angry.
Now this did surprise me.
Why would his wife be angry?
This was not something I knew from the church couples I knew so far.
Apart from FM losing his temper about JM being out late at PCC meetings and other events.

But the churchwarden decided he wanted to take me home, to meet his wife.

He took me home, and I saw the look on his wife's face when she saw us.
That look remained with me.
She was frightened and angry.
And it remained throughout the time I knew them, that she resented him bringing me home and resented him 'adopting me' and this wounded both of us deeply throughout the time I knew them and since, and sadly I was not assertive or understanding enough to place strong boundaries and not be hurt by the way she belittled me and wanted rid of me while her husband wanted a 'daughter'.

But, she pasted on a smile at the time, and went to make tea, while her husband comically took over what she had been doing, stripping lavender heads.

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