Before I continue to talk about the churchwarden.
Those who didn't know, the smear campaign against me by Philip Bailhache and others, was just a magnified version of what I actually suffered while I was in Jersey, and reacted to worse and worse as I deteriorated.
What person, trapped in a small place, being villified by church members who belonged to every profession in the Island would not suffer? And, especially after being regressed to childhood when the first childhood was so bad that regression by a man who had no training, was dangerous and psychologically harmful, and being autistic as well, there was no way I could cope.
And worse, Jane Fisher denied the villification, made it out to be paranoia and defended the vicar who trapped and verbally attacked me because of 'what he heard', what kind of safeguarding officer does that?
The View from Gorey Castle, including my little car sitting down there on the road :)
- The first real sexual boundary crossing that I remember as I write this, was when the churchwarden took me sailing. He talked about sexual urges, asked how I dealt with my sexual urges and said something about how it was the same for girls as for boys? He also said 'No incest' as if this was a joke because he called himself my 'Daddy' I was not impressed and made that as plain as possible and he sat down and prayed.
- Another incident is when he groped me briefly at his son's house when we were alone together there, I made it very clear to him that that was no acceptable.
- On 23/11/2007, I helped the churchwarden build a trolley in the then empty Romerils new warehouse at La Collette. He decided this was a good time to talk, he and I were alone, and there had been no warning at all from anyone that he had a history of misconduct, the only inklings I may have had by then, were his comments about how he had been warned at work for touching people, and possibly he had told me by then about the girls he had talked about sex to, and I had also seen his graphic letters.
- At LaCollette, the churchwarden asked me if I had been raped. This was not a discussion I wanted to have or ever will want to have, so I hid from him, and he came after me and kept asking about it. He said he had heard that women who had been raped felt ashamed and dirty, this was horrifyingly graphic and even then seemed wrong.
- I am writting this from a memory blanked by trauma, so bear with me.
Another splendid view from the Castle
- Now, from early on, there had been difficulties in my relationship with the churchwarden and his wife, it was far from OK, because they were not ok, they had a history, they had a history including the churchwarden getting into trouble and his wife being ill as a result, but I didn't know about that, early on.
- Anyway, the churchwarden used to try and get me to talk about my life. But when he tried to make me talk about being raped, I spoke to his wife about this and she told him to stop making me talk and she told me this was the end of me talking about my past.
- Unfortunately this was a trigger for me.
- Jill Lihou used to make me talk, and she would go on and on at me, making me talk about my life, but then she would get emotionally upset and I was blamed for making her ill, and they said I wasn't to talk, they did this after consulting with the Warrens in Jersey. Now for me, being made to talk and then being told not to, especially as I am autistic and I had got used to the talks as part of life with the Lihous, this was distressing, more so that they were consulting the Warrens and not me, and not telling me before they changed that and other aspects of our friendship.
- So, when the churchwarden's wife banned talking, it was a trigger, and I was anxious.
- But it didn't stop the churchwarden making me talk, and he talked about rape again the same day, in the car, and I said something a bit extreme in reply and that silenced him.
- I am really back in Jersey now, reliving it.
- Another thing that at the time puzzled me, was when we had parties at the churchwarden's house, which was several times that summer, all church people, parties in the garden. I remember a man from church coming to sit with me and chat, he always chatted to me, which the churchwarden's wife, who was still in the dark ages, said was 'unusual because he is a man's man, he doesn't much like females', which appeared to be untrue, he loved his wife and daughter, but anyway, the churchwarden appeared uneasy that this man was chatting to me, and he hovered around and watched us, and as soon as the man got up to get a drink, the churchwarden took his place and wanted to know what we had been talking about.
- These parties made me tired, as the ones in Hampshire used to, and the churchwarden used to get me to go up and rest on the bed in the spare room. He didn't come up and disturb me, he did behave himself those times.
- But if you think about it, who are all these church people invited to gracious parties going to believe, their gracious hosts or the newcomer who the churchwarden segregates from them?
- One of the parties was early on, within weeks of me first meeting the churchwarden, and I remember him wanting to hug me, and saying he knew I wouldn't allow it, so he shook hands with me and said I would get to know them.
Elizabeth Castle from St. Aubin.
- At first, in the late summer 2007, although I had come to the end of my blissful solitude, I enjoyed, and was overwhelmed by, the new church and community and new 'mum and dad' I had found, and especially as I was always trying to be upbeat to my friends in Hampshire, I told them I was having a wonderful time. Well I was.
- I remember that the churchwarden's wife had obvious problems, I remember arriving at church one Sunday and saying to the churchwarden, as he hugged me long and deep on the steps in full view of everyone, that I wanted to speak to his wife and was she around? He kind of reacted and at the time I didn't know why, but he asked why, and I told him I needed prayer (I can't remember why, some ailment), he said 'ohh, women's problems!?' But he was disappointed to hear that I asked for her simply because she was a designated member of the prayer ministry team.
- I remember a very strange and painful situation where the churchwarden and his wife had some friends over from the UK to stay in England, and I was invited to tea, I remember parking my car in the back drive and these friends of the churchwarden couple were sitting in the garden, so I said hello, and they ignored me.
- I was startled, and waited, no answer, I went to the front door instead, and the churchwarden opened the door and said their friends were in the back garden, and I tried to explain, but those friends did not want to know, in all the time they were there, and at church, the churchwarden's wife didn't acknowledge me when I went to sit with her as usual and they were with her, so I sat at the back and felt sad and the churchwarden came to talk to me at the end and he said I should have sat with them, he said they were all going to lunch and I couldn't come this time and I said I had other things I wanted to do anyway - I wanted to go to Gorey and get pictures of the castle. (the pictures above were taken that day if I recall correctly).
- But then they had another couple staying with them, who were exactly the opposite, a Church of Scotland Minister called Mike, and his wife, Penny, who the churchwarden said had been friends with them for a very very long time, now they were nice and they were inclusive and spoke to me.
My deeply beloved St. Ouens Bay, where I live now reminds me so much of this.
- It was Air Display Day 2007, and the churchwarden and his wife had one of these couples staying with them then, and a problem occurred between me and the churchwarden.
- I parked at church and walked down to the front, where crowds would be watching the Air Display, this wasn't an event I could marshall for as it was run differently from Battle of Flowers, and if I recall correctly, the cadet forces in the Island, of which there were many, did the marshalling and collections.
- The churchwarden's wife was with their friends on the wall and the churchwarden was sitting slightly apart, alone as he often seemed to be. So I went over to them, I cannot remember if we had arranged to meet there or if it was just that we all parked at church and walked straight down, but the churchwarden was sitting on the wall alone and he drew me to him, held me to his knees as he sat on the wall and I stood there, then he started his usual fuss that 'people might see us' despite the fact that he had called me to him.
- I protested and probably said as I often did, that he had taken hold of me.
- He replied that people in church were talking about us, and I was horrified. Even though he was the one who always took hold of me and pulled me to him in church in everyone's view, although he always hugged and cuddled the old ladies and got down on his knees in front of them as well.
- Anyway, the couple staying with the churchwarden couple, funnily enough, had to head for the airport and home at that minute, not because of me, just because that is when they had booked to go, funny time to go mid-air display, but so the churchwarden couple and the other couple started heading for the car, but I was so upset I went with them to get the churchwarden to talk to me about what he told me, I said to him 'can't you explain to them that you consider me to be your daughter?' and he replied that he 'wasn't into making pronouncements', which was silly, because which is better, leaving these people to malign us, or telling them he is loving me like a father?
- So I was very upset, and went to find the Vicar and his wife, who were at home, showing no interest in the awesome air display, which puzzled me slightly, but everyone is different.
- So I told the Vicar and his wife about what the churchwarden said, and they replied that they could guess who it was saying things and it was always a certain few and the Vicar would have words with them and sort it out.
- Then later, and it always stuck in my mind, the churchwarden said he had spoken with the Vicar and told him there wasn't a problem, which was strange, because he had told me there was. So by now I was being segregated by the churchwarden's actions and control.
- It was never just the sexual abuse that damaged me, the emotional abuse did too, deeply.