Well, what other diocese would spend half a million not bringing disciplinary action against anyone and then take out an injunction against themselves for it. I mean, if it wasn't so harmful it would be funny.
I removed that third wrecking ball picture because I did not find it funny like the other two, but I guess it had a meaning. We have just been talking about 'The Emperor's new clothes', and I do not think anyone I have spoken to believes Bishop Tim Dakin.
Emails and conversations last night concluded that actually a lot of people see through what has happened but no-one knows what to do.
Saturday 23 November 2013
Friday 22 November 2013
A statement to BBC Jersey in reply to the Bishop's rather bizarre statement where he lets the wrongdoers off the hook, talks about being unable to publish the Steel report and waffles about how the Diocese have arranged help for me but omits that I warned him and his diocese not to harass me
I would like to state that I am insulted and damaged by the Bishop's statement.
I have been severely damaged by the Diocese of Winchester and would not trust any help from them or anyone connected with them, they have never had my consent to arrange help and are again removing my autonomy and privacy by trying to force their agenda on me and not taking into account my private life and the help I am already receiving or how wounding their violations of me are after the harm they did to me.
Dame Steel produced a report that omitted my side of things but included witness accounts of at least one person who has never met me and was not even there when I was in Jersey, the way the conflicted report has proceeded for months, omitting me and with the Diocese ignoring the conflict, has left me very ill, so I do not understand how the Bishop has the audacity to 'offer help', while he has absolved the wrongdoers and seriously harmed me.
No help will ever undo the harm done to me by the Diocese of Winchester, the severity and effects of the harm will limit my life and harm me until I die.
His comments about 'called to help the lost, the last and the least' is plain ridiculous in light of what I have suffered at the hands of the Church of England.
The Bishop received a legal letter from me last week, warning him not to harass me further with intervention in my life. This legal letter is not the letter mentioned that has prevented him publishing Dame Steel's report.
Sincerely,
News
News: I have found a referral for therapy with a Behavioural therapist who works with attachment theory!
I think it is important to have this therapy before I refer for EMDR, which is now available.
Because I think EMDR may not work without the attachment disorder being treated.
And I think the attachment disorder causes a lot of my problems and is priority.
Thankfully my new therapist is nearby, and will not cost me as much as the very good therapy that I travel 80 miles for. I think that is all good news, and I thought I would share it.
Once I start to get the reactive attachment disorder settled and become more able to relate to people and thus more settled, then I will progress to the trauma therapy.
Hopefully.
I do not understand about the other news going round, to do with the Steel report and an injunction.
I daren't say anything.
I gather that Peter Ould, who, despite being an ordained Priest, is still using it to attack me on his blog, despite me speaking to his diocese about his offensive treatment of me though, so if he has published it, then does the injunction only protect certain people? The Dean? The whole report?
Because, from what I have heard, the report is in their favour, to my detriment.
Er, I do not understand, but if someone did get an injunction and prevent me being destroyed.
Thank you.
But I do not actually understand what has happened.
I think it is important to have this therapy before I refer for EMDR, which is now available.
Because I think EMDR may not work without the attachment disorder being treated.
And I think the attachment disorder causes a lot of my problems and is priority.
Thankfully my new therapist is nearby, and will not cost me as much as the very good therapy that I travel 80 miles for. I think that is all good news, and I thought I would share it.
Once I start to get the reactive attachment disorder settled and become more able to relate to people and thus more settled, then I will progress to the trauma therapy.
Hopefully.
I do not understand about the other news going round, to do with the Steel report and an injunction.
I daren't say anything.
I gather that Peter Ould, who, despite being an ordained Priest, is still using it to attack me on his blog, despite me speaking to his diocese about his offensive treatment of me though, so if he has published it, then does the injunction only protect certain people? The Dean? The whole report?
Because, from what I have heard, the report is in their favour, to my detriment.
Er, I do not understand, but if someone did get an injunction and prevent me being destroyed.
Thank you.
But I do not actually understand what has happened.
I do not understand what is going on, only that the Diocese have had me repeatedly publicly villified and taken my life from me.
I do not understand the row about my pyjamas, I was in my pyjamas, a dark blue jumper and tracksuit bottoms and no bra, when I was deported, people keep saying I was wearing trainers but I was not.
I was wearing block soft house shoes with holes in the soles.
I was not taken to my house to get my posessions, I was taken to my house because the police wanted to get my passport, I never saw my posessions again.
I do not understand why this row about me being deported goes on, it will not change what has happened to me at the hands of the church of england. If they had safeguarded me from harm and abuse, then this would not have happened at all, and instead of righting their wrongs, they have simply attacked me for ight months and allowed other people, complete strangers, people like Peter Ould, to attack me, if they failed in safeguarding before, they have truly utterly failed in all this.
I do not understand the row about my pyjamas, I was in my pyjamas, a dark blue jumper and tracksuit bottoms and no bra, when I was deported, people keep saying I was wearing trainers but I was not.
I was wearing block soft house shoes with holes in the soles.
I was not taken to my house to get my posessions, I was taken to my house because the police wanted to get my passport, I never saw my posessions again.
I do not understand why this row about me being deported goes on, it will not change what has happened to me at the hands of the church of england. If they had safeguarded me from harm and abuse, then this would not have happened at all, and instead of righting their wrongs, they have simply attacked me for ight months and allowed other people, complete strangers, people like Peter Ould, to attack me, if they failed in safeguarding before, they have truly utterly failed in all this.
Lessons I have learned about myself and the Church of England from my thirteen years with them, part 1.
- First and foremost, people like me are of no worth and can be treated exactly as the wealthy and secure in the church like, and there is no redress.
- Secondly, in order to be accepted in the church, let alone play any role, you have to be rich and secure and from a normal family, you can be a peadophile, a womaniser, anything unethical you like, but it is your wealth and status that matters to the church. Poor people are marginalized, abused and excluded.
- There is no safeguarding in the Winchester Diocese
- Abuse is ok but abuse victims are not.
- according to the church of england I am to blame for 13 years in the Diocese without Safeguarding and all the collective harm to me, and they have not at any point been willing to hear me, they prefer to have me beaten and locked up.
- Autism and other conditions are a crime, but only if you are poor, if you are rich you can have a mental illness and damage vulnerable people as a result while you hold positions in the church, just as, if you are rich or well-connected, you can use the church as a place to find and abuse the vulnerable and you will be protected.
- The church of england has no ethics and no teaching or accountability, a lot of businessmen go just for the social after the service, where they can talk euros and offshores.
- The church treat someone like me worse that Ian Huntley or Ian Brady have been treated by the press and the public. The Church is supposedly based on the God and the Bible but they either ignore the teachings or twist them to suit themselves, thus me being froced to forgive, but them being entirely unforgiving and worse.
see, no harm done!
My younger brothers, when they were young, used to say that they would get as puppy and kick it downstairs, and if the RSPCA came, they would kick the puppy back upstairs and say 'see, no harm done!'.
That appears to be what the Diocese of Winchester's intrusions are about, nothing to do with my care, after all, they have Jane Fisher, and after 8 months of me being treated worse than Ian Huntley or Ian Brady publicly because of the Diocese, their illusion of caring is very see through indeed.
Thoughts
I have rights. I have not complained about my homelessness to anyone since the Diocese launched this prolonged attack on my life, surely they can see that I am complaining to them about their terrible handling of me and this whole situation and not about my homelessness.
My homelessness has been the one thing that has kept me alive and sane, and after everything they have done to harm me, they want to rip my homelessness from me without my consent, since when did I lose my human rights?
Anway. Observation two, I have said this a few times recently but never thought to blog it. I have an anger problem but only ever a provoked anger problem, not that that excuses it, see my post on attachment disorder. But the thing I have said is, my anger hurts me at least as much as it hurts anyone who I lose my temper with, and the guilt and shame stay with me, I take it to confession but I remain scarred by every single episode of temper loss.
Thus the villification of me is pointless. it does not cure me, or make me less angry or take away the fact that I have to be provoked or the fact that wrong has been done to me, even if the Church of England refuse to record that.
I do have a regular reader on here from/on behalf of the Diocese of Winchester, but I wonder, is their motive to record what I am writing and rubbish it? Observe, or see if they can have me put away like Stuart was put away? To see if I am doing anything they can bring charges against me for?
Or, highly unlikely, my side of things is actually being recorded?
This blog is being saved by other people in other countries, and will be reproduced liberally if anything happens to me.
My other blog, which I linked to this, will really give you some insight into my side of things and what I have been through in my years on the streets, but you have to go back and start at the beginning, in October 2011, and not be put off by the scruffy tail end of things this October, when two years of blogging came to an end because of the desparate damage caused by the Diocese of Winchester.
My blog is The Wanderer, two years of day-to-day life on the streets, uncut, raw and real.
http://realhomelessness.blogspot.co.uk/
My homelessness has been the one thing that has kept me alive and sane, and after everything they have done to harm me, they want to rip my homelessness from me without my consent, since when did I lose my human rights?
Anway. Observation two, I have said this a few times recently but never thought to blog it. I have an anger problem but only ever a provoked anger problem, not that that excuses it, see my post on attachment disorder. But the thing I have said is, my anger hurts me at least as much as it hurts anyone who I lose my temper with, and the guilt and shame stay with me, I take it to confession but I remain scarred by every single episode of temper loss.
Thus the villification of me is pointless. it does not cure me, or make me less angry or take away the fact that I have to be provoked or the fact that wrong has been done to me, even if the Church of England refuse to record that.
I do have a regular reader on here from/on behalf of the Diocese of Winchester, but I wonder, is their motive to record what I am writing and rubbish it? Observe, or see if they can have me put away like Stuart was put away? To see if I am doing anything they can bring charges against me for?
Or, highly unlikely, my side of things is actually being recorded?
This blog is being saved by other people in other countries, and will be reproduced liberally if anything happens to me.
My other blog, which I linked to this, will really give you some insight into my side of things and what I have been through in my years on the streets, but you have to go back and start at the beginning, in October 2011, and not be put off by the scruffy tail end of things this October, when two years of blogging came to an end because of the desparate damage caused by the Diocese of Winchester.
My blog is The Wanderer, two years of day-to-day life on the streets, uncut, raw and real.
http://realhomelessness.blogspot.co.uk/
John Gladwin and Christine Daly
These were two people that we actually had a faint hope in.
Anyway, it turned out that we talked about the Dean and the abuse, but I was too stressed to talk about the Bishop, and I panicked because I thought we were going to talk about Jane Fisher, but Christine didn't even know who Jane fisher was!
In the beginning.
Well, Bob did, but when he made contact with John Gladwin and was not getting very clear answers to his questions about meeting. I started to wonder. I guess I never had great faith in any investigation, seeing as the way the Diocese went about things was senseless and cruel.
Bob managed to arrange a meeting, but I have a feeling it was agreed to as a box-ticking exercise.
although, when we arrived at the meeting, Christine Daly was obviously very genuine, there is no way on earth she was not genuine, but she did not know the case, she did not know who Jane Fisher was, which was a shock to me, so if she did not know the case, and yet was there, once that box ticking meeting was over and she heard the other side of the story and neither saw me again nor got my evidence, it didn't matter how genuine she was, the investigation was not fair.
I had expressed my concern a number of times about one meeting not being enough, and during this meeting, Christine said that there would be a number of meetings, that they would have a number of meetings in Jersey and a number of meetings with me.
This never happened.
After the first meeting they had in Jersey, they obviously had no further interest in my side of things.
Anyway. The investigation, who was doing what and why, was never explained to me, nor was anything explained when Christine and John did not meet with me or make contact with Bob when he kept emailing them, this has been consistent, Bob and I have been shut out of this investigation over and over. Anyway, I contacted John and Christine, asked what was going on, asked what evidence they needed, offered Christine a link to a blog where I would put evidence, but I did not get any adequate reply.
I remained shut out.
And because Bob does not have my full story, he could not represent me to them, especially as they were not responding to him.
So hands up anyone who thinks this is a fair investigation?
Ah, a few hundred in the Jersey Deanery and Diocese of Winchester who haven't played fair.
At the meeting in London with Bob, John and Christine, Christine puzzled me because she was writing down about me losing all my things and certificates and talking about how to replace them, what exactly would be the point, even if it was possible when my name has changed since I lost them? I have a criminal record, and every certificate I gained is worthless. It would cost hundreds to replace lost certificates in my new name and would pointless in the extreme, my life has been taken from me, and I would rather have my driving licence back than all those certificates. There is so much else lost that thinking about replacing lost certificates seemed ludicrous.
At the meeting in London, I did not know what I was to talk about really, because the investigation had not been explained to me, and Bob had become unsure about what I was to talk about and said that because Gavin Ashenden was making accusations against me in the press, I would have to explain my side of my past, so I was very anxious and traumatized at the thought of explaining past abuse and my reaction to it, (the situations in question are explained in yesterday's 'attachment disorder' post).
Anyway, it turned out that we talked about the Dean and the abuse, but I was too stressed to talk about the Bishop, and I panicked because I thought we were going to talk about Jane Fisher, but Christine didn't even know who Jane fisher was!
Which shows just how this whole thing has bypassed my complaints, from beginning to end, why was a massive public investigation launched against the Jersey Deanery that led to me being villified and having lies made up about me, and my complaint about Jsne Fisher, which was equally important, or more so because of her position, was ignored?
Bob was very good at the meeting in London because he enabled me to speak, John Gladwin seemed very distant but impressively was the one pouring the coffee, why can't all Bishops do that?
Christine was very genuinely friendly and kind and helpful, but obviously, the minute the Jersey way and their collaberation got John and Christine, that was the end of my side of things, the little that was expressed at that meeting, and it would take days to get my side of things verbalised and even blogging it is still impossible due to trauma and the situation in which I am living.
John and Christine would not do anything about Dame Steel's conflict of interests, and would not communicate effectively or tell me if they wanted my evidence or not or if they ever accessed my evidence blogs.
So, basically I came to the conclusion I was defeated and my side was of no worth and this whole situation was rigged rather than genuine.
Having never heard anything more from John and Christine, I was utterly horrified to hear, that they, having let me down terribly, were being involved behind my back in an attempt to house me.
I was betrayed and I was horrified.
My message in reply is that neither they nor the Diocese have dealt with my complaint, therefore they are not to be involved in my housing or private life.
John and Christine would not do anything about Dame Steel's conflict of interests, and would not communicate effectively or tell me if they wanted my evidence or not or if they ever accessed my evidence blogs.
So, basically I came to the conclusion I was defeated and my side was of no worth and this whole situation was rigged rather than genuine.
Having never heard anything more from John and Christine, I was utterly horrified to hear, that they, having let me down terribly, were being involved behind my back in an attempt to house me.
I was betrayed and I was horrified.
My message in reply is that neither they nor the Diocese have dealt with my complaint, therefore they are not to be involved in my housing or private life.
Legal abuse syndrome
Legal abuse syndrome is a personal injury that develops in individuals assaulted by ethical violations, legal abuses, betrayals, and fraud.
Thursday 21 November 2013
For the attention of The Diocese of Winchester
Deal with MY complaint, in full and comprehensively and undo the harm to me.
Then start deciding my future.
sincerely
Then start deciding my future.
sincerely
Post traumatic Stress Disorder
An excellent link from the Royal College of Psychiatrists:
http://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/mentalhealthinfo/problems/ptsd/posttraumaticstressdisorder.aspx
I was assessed recently for PTSD although I have know I have it for some time, we were looking at the severity of it and some of the scores were very high above the cut off level, the verdict is that I need EMDR, but my life is too unsettled.
How does Post Traumatic Stress Disorder affect me? Easy bullet points:
http://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/mentalhealthinfo/problems/ptsd/posttraumaticstressdisorder.aspx
I was assessed recently for PTSD although I have know I have it for some time, we were looking at the severity of it and some of the scores were very high above the cut off level, the verdict is that I need EMDR, but my life is too unsettled.
How does Post Traumatic Stress Disorder affect me? Easy bullet points:
- Flashbacks, nightmares, negativity at night and terrors and flashbacks at night and on waking
- Depression
- Despair
- Anxiety
- Anger and Irritability
- lack of trust
- Tense and unable to relax
- Fears of repeat events
- Dissociation
- Avoidance of triggers
- Feeling physically unwell
- Not looking after myself properly
Because I have remained in a situation where what has happened to me has not only remained unresolved but has smashed back into my life and re-traumatized me, because what has happened has been so awful and so prolonged and because I was never treated for my childhood traumas, I am battling severe PTSD.
PTSD leaves me suffering day and night without a break and I am so tense and so frightened and angry that no one can help me, because I don't believe them.
There is a particular element to my PTSD that is unique. I suffer trauma if I sleep indoors, I become very tense and stop sleeping and suffer vivid flashbacks and fears. This is why I have slept rough so long, and it is caused by the repeat police brutality and detentions that I have suffered at the hands of the Diocese of Winchester.
There is a particular element to my PTSD that is unique. I suffer trauma if I sleep indoors, I become very tense and stop sleeping and suffer vivid flashbacks and fears. This is why I have slept rough so long, and it is caused by the repeat police brutality and detentions that I have suffered at the hands of the Diocese of Winchester.
Asperger syndrome or High Functioning Autism
I am on the Autism Spectrum. But because I was diagnosed when I was an adult and had my condition denied to me by people with influence over me who said I was acting out or acting up. And because no-one who specialized in or understood autism worked with me after I was diagnosed and I was left alone with the diagnosis, I never really owned the condition and remain very unsure of it, I do not excuse myself anything and I give myself a hard time for not being normal, just as everyone else gives me a hard time for not being normal.
I think we are all in denial about my autism, and maybe it isn't real, I don't know.
I am going to do as I did before and go through the symptoms that affect me.
Social Interaction Disorders:
Did I get it wrong? Is a question that I have frequently asked for as long as I can remember. Because I do not know what is right, correct, how to get it right, and I invariably get it wrong.
When I was younger I barely made eye contact and did not know that was expected, I did not even really know what people's faces looked like, but I learned, as I have learned so many ways round my limitations. I make some eye contact, I don't know how much, but sometimes I do as I was taught and look towards people instead of down to the ground.
Failure to establish relationships. This is me, I do not attempt to build relationships, I respond to contact and if people keep interacting with me, they can build a relationship with me, and even in the end, get me to converse, but in social groups I do not seek people I tend to move aside and people either approach me or don't, if they converse I agree with what they say and do my best to imitate converstion, but I never ask questions about the person I speak to. I very rarely even ask my friends any questions about themselves. And my friends are there because they interact with me persistently.
My real natural state is silent solitude, I feel safe like that, I like a soft blanket where I can doze and suck my thumb and be alone, people ask if I am lonely but usually I am not, in the past, maybe I was, but not any more.
Lack of empathy. Well I know I have no understanding of the impact of my behaviour on other people, so I get in trouble. I do not know what people are thinking so I get anxious, but I can sense anger and unhappiness in other people.
Verbal and non-verbal communication:
I lack the ability to initiate conversation. Unless I know someone quite well. I also lack the skill to carry on a conversation with a stranger. Although I can write to almost anyone. But I have to remind myself to put in the social niceties that are expected.
When I was younger I used to use echolalia a lot, being shouted at by Fred Montague for it meant that I learned to stop doing it. Although if I am under stress I still sometimes repeat things to myself.
I have suffered a profound problem with processing speed in the past, receptive dysphasia, but that has improved significantly and rarely troubles me now except in phone conversations.
I still tend to see very literal meanings in things such as metaphors, and it makes me smile, but I have learned to think 'metaphor' and override the literal and find the meaning if I can.
My hearing is far too sensetive, which upsets people trying to whisper about me, but when the dysphasia has been bad, I have been unable to decipher conversation and thus caused puzzlement and concern.
Limited and repetitive behaviours:
I like routine and everything to stay the same. I like to be alone and to be silent, I like to have music all the time, I do not like change as it scares me and I have to work out a plan to resettle myself if things change and do not always adjust well but try to go back.
I think about hats.
Here is the National Autistic Society: http://www.autism.org.uk/
I think we are all in denial about my autism, and maybe it isn't real, I don't know.
I am going to do as I did before and go through the symptoms that affect me.
Social Interaction Disorders:
Did I get it wrong? Is a question that I have frequently asked for as long as I can remember. Because I do not know what is right, correct, how to get it right, and I invariably get it wrong.
When I was younger I barely made eye contact and did not know that was expected, I did not even really know what people's faces looked like, but I learned, as I have learned so many ways round my limitations. I make some eye contact, I don't know how much, but sometimes I do as I was taught and look towards people instead of down to the ground.
Failure to establish relationships. This is me, I do not attempt to build relationships, I respond to contact and if people keep interacting with me, they can build a relationship with me, and even in the end, get me to converse, but in social groups I do not seek people I tend to move aside and people either approach me or don't, if they converse I agree with what they say and do my best to imitate converstion, but I never ask questions about the person I speak to. I very rarely even ask my friends any questions about themselves. And my friends are there because they interact with me persistently.
My real natural state is silent solitude, I feel safe like that, I like a soft blanket where I can doze and suck my thumb and be alone, people ask if I am lonely but usually I am not, in the past, maybe I was, but not any more.
Lack of empathy. Well I know I have no understanding of the impact of my behaviour on other people, so I get in trouble. I do not know what people are thinking so I get anxious, but I can sense anger and unhappiness in other people.
Verbal and non-verbal communication:
I lack the ability to initiate conversation. Unless I know someone quite well. I also lack the skill to carry on a conversation with a stranger. Although I can write to almost anyone. But I have to remind myself to put in the social niceties that are expected.
When I was younger I used to use echolalia a lot, being shouted at by Fred Montague for it meant that I learned to stop doing it. Although if I am under stress I still sometimes repeat things to myself.
I have suffered a profound problem with processing speed in the past, receptive dysphasia, but that has improved significantly and rarely troubles me now except in phone conversations.
I still tend to see very literal meanings in things such as metaphors, and it makes me smile, but I have learned to think 'metaphor' and override the literal and find the meaning if I can.
My hearing is far too sensetive, which upsets people trying to whisper about me, but when the dysphasia has been bad, I have been unable to decipher conversation and thus caused puzzlement and concern.
Limited and repetitive behaviours:
I like routine and everything to stay the same. I like to be alone and to be silent, I like to have music all the time, I do not like change as it scares me and I have to work out a plan to resettle myself if things change and do not always adjust well but try to go back.
I think about hats.
Here is the National Autistic Society: http://www.autism.org.uk/
My biggest and incurable problem, which is a crime to the Church of England, a background of attachment disorder
The origins of my attachment disorder, isolation, anger and lack of trust:
The link below is a good link but please also read the rest of the post. The link below shows why I have spent my adulthood struggling, and only found out in the past year. I did not receive any assessment when I was a child and by the time I was an adult, not only was the damage done, but what was wrong was overlooked and my efforts to get help were futile, because I didn't know what was wrong, and neither did anyone else. Attachment disorder is scarcely understood or diagnosed, especially not in adults.
As a child I didn't go to school, have a doctor or see a psychologist. So I was not aware of what was wrong with me.
This is the best descriptive article I can find, but the help I need remains unavailable.
http://www.buzzle.com/articles/attachment-disorder-in-adults.html
Here is another website, treatment is expensive, scarce and barely available in the UK. Dangerous forms of attachment therapy used to be inflicted on children and gave attachment therapy bad press, but by the time someone is my age and severely damaged, what can be done, homeless and on the run from the diocese and feeling like I carry everyone's sins as well as mine, what can be done? If anyone reading this can help in any way, I am desparate for help, in order to stop hurting myself and others.
http://attachmenttherapy.com/adult.htm
Let me try to explain me:
My upbringing was unsettled, with no safety, my parents were unable to keep us safe from harm and we knew no settled and safe place, and because I am also on the autism spectrum, I needed a settled and safe environment.
My mother had my sister a year before she had me, she then had my brothers a year later. She was ill physically and mentally and though she did things like washing, cooking and ironing when she was not too unwell, she was not there for us emotionally, and while I was quite young she was also away in hospital for a long time after the birth of my younger sister, and I did not know, nor could anyone tell me, if she was coming home. I did not bond with my mother and have never felt love or attachment for her, she was, throughout my childhood and adulthood, unstable and delusional , to worrying degrees. I am not blaming her, and I feel no emnity towards her. The last I heard of my mother was a saga where she was threatening to kill herself and my younger sister who was 14 at the time. And all the time I had contact with my mother, I was highly anxious because she was so unpredictable.
Both times my dad had strokes, the second of which killed him, my Mum left him unconscious and did not call an ambulance.
She is reputed to have left me unconscious with head injuries several times as a child, which may also have contributed to my problems, but that is hearsay. Enough witnesses say I was unconscious with head injuries several times and that I got no medical help though.
So that is my Mum, I am not intending to malign her, I feel sad for her, I guess. But as a result of the issues I did not bond with her or see her as a safe caregiver.
My Dad was quite different, he was on the autism spectrum and was not an affectionate man, although he learned to hug us in the end, he was a paradox, violently punishing us and terrifyingly angry at times, but also he was often the main carer, making sure we ate and washed and did our lessons. But both the severe physical punishments and shouting, and the fact that my parents led us through constant danger and distress meant that again, I did not bond.
I missed out on the last years of my parents' life, when they were more settled, calmer and my dad was much more amiable, but my mum continued to have untreated psychiatric problems, and I missed out because I had moved away and remained afraid of them and afraid of being drawn back into the closed family, although they were not as closed as they used to be, my fear remained.
But, as a result of the problems my parents and thus the family faced, and the lack of outside input or support and the lack of diagnosis and treatment for my autism and my parents' problems.
I did not attach properly, and grew up not attached but just being in my family. I was also sexually abused when I was young, and my family faced constant hostility for being the large, antisocial noisy, messy closed family that they were.
And so I learned to be fearful and angry, not socialized through school or outside activities and thus not learning the social norms.
My anger and detachedness grew and after severe violence aged 12 left me with a breakdown and permenant psychological scarring, I was in a bad way when I left home five lonely and violent years later, barely able to communicate and very fearful.
Very soon after leaving my family, I was deeply affected by a programme to do with a confident young lad who moved to a bad area and was bullied at his new school until he tried to commit suicide and ended up in a psychiatric unit.
I had always repressed my past and it was then I realised just how bad things had been. But I was still very much under my parents' influence on the cult side of things, and I remember one evening at college I was terrified by my mother telling me that there was going to be a Jihad by the muslims and all of us Jews would be killed, I was hysterical and terrified, and this was not the first time I had been told such damaging and dangerous things, and such was my autism and mindset from growing up with all this that I believed it.
But I was also seeing a new way of life, outside my parents' influence and a life where people were peaceful, friendly and knew how to greet each other, I still hadn't even grasped the basics of greeting people.
Anyway, I sought help as best I knew how, I asked to see the college counsellor, and my Mum was very scathing indeed when she heard, and such was her influence that I doubted myself, but I presisted.
Unfortunately the counsellor was not very skilled and thought I was there because of rape trauma, and built a story for me himself, which is not good practice, but I had no communication skills and could not work with him, and it was an unqualified disaster. The poor man was only basically trained and was not geared up to the complexity of my upbringing or the level of disorder I suffered.
I transferred from seeing him to seeing another college counsellor, Juliet Montague, who was also the local Vicar, and who said I was identical to the stepdaughter she had had to give up because her angry and jealous husband had made her choose between him and the stepdaughter.
So instead of counselling me, she started taking me home, immediately breaking professional counselling boundaries and also Church of England Safeguarding Rules. Although I had no understanding of this.
Juliet took over my life, had me placed in an unsuitable and dangerous work placement without discussing the terms with me properly or making sure I agreed or was happy, and a lot of distress and also damage to my physical health occured as a result. I was left alone or with strange men on a farm not geared up to an inexperienced student, nor one with the problems I had, and I was treated like a slave in bad conditions and this did nothing for my self-esteem, on top of being routinely misunderstood at college, where my undiagnosed conditions of autism, trauma and attachment disorder made it look as if I was being awkward or mentally ill.
I think that even aged 19, if I had been able to get the right help and hadn't been brought into Juliet's troubled family as a replacement for my own, then I may have had a slightly better chance at life.
As it was, Juliet took me home, and my illusion of English country parsons and their serene families was shattered. Juliet's family constantly fought, especially Juliet's mother and her husband, Fred, I soon learned that Fred's daughter had had a terrible childhood and had ended up with a personality disorder and severe psychiatric problems, Juliet had met the daughter when she was 15 and Juliet was going out with Fred while he was still married to his first wife but the marriage was in ruins, because of Fred's temper and And Juliet attempted and failed to 'love Fred's daughter better', but failed, and was forced to abandon her after fights between Fred and his daughter, who accused him of sexual abuse, and fights between Juliet and Fred over the daughter.
I, as the very image of this stepdaughter, was taken from being counselled at college by Juliet, to being part of her family, bearing the violent rows of Juliet's mother and Fred, and also facing Fred's anger regularly, which, as you can imagine, did not help my already ingrained and increasingly severe behavioural and attachment disorders. I was also now without a counsellor at all, but at the time, after seeing a doctor regularly, who diagnosed me vaguely with depression, was on anti-depressants, and not aware of how severely the side effects were on me.
This is when Fred Montague stopped shouting at me so much and decided to be loving, but not in a proper way.
He was trying to have a sexual relationship with me.
So, aged 20, I was being abused, in a situation where I should have been receiving counselling, and was now a square peg in a round hole in Juliet's family, I was being abused.
Juliet's mother was ambivalent towards me, alternatively feeling sorry for me and being kind, thinking I was like Norma, a prostitute Juliet had rescued and taken home previously, or saying I was like Sally, Juliet's step-daughter, or saying I was a user and out for what I could get, which astonished me as I asked for nothing and went along with Juliet's wishes for my life, which included Juliet blocking me from being assessed and diagnosed when I realised I was probably on the autism spectrum. Juliet was very much in control of me and crossed many boundaries for a number of years, which has also aggravated my conditions and prevented me getting help.
Juliet's Father was always in agreement with whoever spoke to him, liking an easy life, but when he saw Fred pulling me onto his knees early on, he told Fred in no uncertain terms that this was not appropriate, for which I salute him, Fred did not see me as a replacement for his daughter, but when Juliet called me hwer surrogate daughter, I went along with that, and Fred said that made him my father and he used this as the reason to pull me to his knees. After Juliet's dad saw that and reproached him, he never did that particular thing again.
Juliet's sister was also ambivelent, and she and her mum and Juliet were very judgemental of the world, the government and anyone in the newspapers, and they could be very judgemental of me, calling me 'strange' etc, and so on, within my hearing, although my hearing used to be too sharp.
So, as I said, my illusions of happy Christian Pastor's families was shattered, and I realised this family was quite dysfunctional.
Even more so when the abuse came to light and I was blamed for it, Juliet was working very long hours, overloaded with work and both she and Fred were very critical of Wolvsley and the Diocese for overloading Juliet to the point where she was trying to get to all her churches on a Sunday and was worn out. So I was often left alone in the house with Fred, as Juliet's parents spent long hours dozing or watching television, and they liked their space.
So I was alone with Fred, I had nowhere to go and was messed up by antidepressants, I wont describe here what Fred was doing, but I can say it was abuse, because he took advantage of my vulnerable state and my fear of his temper, and he knew what he was doing.
But when it was first realised, Juliet's mum hit the roof and blamed me, as did Juliet's sister, neither of whom understood me, and they raged about me and cursed me, and I went through what sadly a majority of victims do go through, denial and blame.
But they did also rage about Fred and talk about 'what he did to his daughter', which was alledgedly the same as what he did to me, although Juliet denied it.
Anyway, this all died down but Juliet, after first saying she believed me and that Fred's daughter had also been abused, and telling me very personal sexual details of her relationship with Fred, started to deny it and say I had 'seduced him' and I was a 'seductive child abuse victim' and it was 'six of one and half a dozen of the other', she never reported it to the diocese, neither did the other people in the Parish who I told.
So, I was now aged 20, and had only know dysfunctional and abusive and angry families, how was I to learn to behave properly? How was I to learn normal trusting and boundaried attachment if even Juliet could not keep the boundaries correct from the start? And I was carrying the burden of guilt and shame now, while I moved into a volatile and badly supervised sheltered house, from which I did not benefit, and Fred returned to his violent temper.
And ceased the abuse, apart from a few isolated incidents, these mainly when Juliet got him to collect or drive me to places usually to do with me assisting or accompanying her in her work, which i did as a matter of routine for some years. And she got Fred to drive me to places, including my house, where an incident occured, despite him abusing me previously and her blaming me! This remains incredible, and yet the diocese, who have villified me and never dealt with this have never even questioned this!
Anyway, as I grew away from Juliet and into adult life, I remained part of her churches, and spent many many hours doing duties for her churches and in her community, but she frequently caused issues by not passing messages to me from church members, and by intervening in my personal life and employment by contacting my employers and friends about me without my permission and passing on a negative and unhelpful view of me, for which I got angry, and it caused increase in my outbursts of temper and insecurity.
Juliet and I were friends, I grew out of her being my mother, which had been her suggestion. But this was not a healthy bond and her interventions led to me being further damaged and unable to trust.
I started seeking help for myself by the time I was 20, begging the doctor for answers and never getting any because he did not have time nor understanding of what was wrong.
And I also explored autism and how to get help and diagnosis, although for years there was no way of getting diagnosis in Hampshire, but, because no help was available on the NHS, for anything, I started paying £40 a session to see a behavioural therapist, which I could not really afford to keep up, because I was only on income support and had to make rent contributions and pay my living costs as well.
Since college and not benefitting from counselling, I had started extensively using self-help books, tapes and programmes, and though Juliet was scornful sometimes, I did benefit, although a lot of these programmes were for working people to improve their careers and aligability, I used them to improve my social and communication skills, there are no books aimed at someone coming from a background like mine and having no understanding of social norms, but I did my best with what I could get. I learned to greet people, to look at people and to smile, I learned a lot of social tricks and I learned about self-esteem and affirmations and how to be eager to work and help people and how to be proactive, it did change me and help me, but it didn't cure me.
Aged 21 and living independently for the first time, I was still very isolated, depressed, fearful and traumatized, but this was when I challenged my parent's influence over me for the first time and terrified, temporarily cut them out of my life, such was the weight of their influence I was afraid of God's wrath for doing this.
I was now on my own in the world, and mentally I was not 21, but much younger.
Juliet continued to be involved and continued to cross boundaries, and she also continued to dismiss my concerns for assessment and dioagnosis, telling me that what I thought was autism was me 'acting up' and that my physical problems were all 'psychosomatic', this was harmful because it meant that I felt invalidated and did not dare seek diagnosis, and having doctors who were busy and always running late did not help, so I endured conditions that affected my life and should have been diagnosed and treated.
I developed in my work life and social life, although my closest friends were generally older people in Juliet's churches, because I was completely lacking common ground with people my own age, I only had basic clothes, did not drink or party, did not really know or understand about people my age.
But my friendships were generally rewarding and loving, and I helped my friends with many church and community projects.
One friendship developed between me and a couple who both had a number of physical and mental health issues as well as family problems, and they got deeply involved in my life, and the more they got involved, the worse things got, which was the first real indicator of my attachment disorder, and also, I am told, a typical problem where people with problems get very involved with another person with problems as a panacea to their own problems.
Anyway, it was a damaging friendship among some quite good friendships, and it sapped my self-esteem, but the positive side of that negative relationship was that this couple just loved to diagnose things, and they wanted all my problems diagnosed. Which helped towards getting my AS diagnosed, at last.
By the time I was 24, I was on the waiting list for autism spectrum assesments in London, and the couple described above were going to go with me. I was also going to be moving to a new home and job. And this time, after all Juliet's disasterous interventions in my personal and work life, I did not let her know where I was to be working or living.
And after not seeing Juliet for months because I had disagreed with her interventions behind my back and her blame of me for what Fred did. I went to see her and she asked me if I would go to New Zealand with her! After months of no speaking because of her interventions and blame of me, she wanted to take me to the other side of the world?
Initially I was actually for once in my life assertive, and said no, we had too many problems, I am still amazed because even now I am not assertive I am fearful or aggressive, but anyway, Juliet said I should think about it, and I asked her if she would come and meet with me about our problems. And she did, and she still blamed me for Fred.
Lizzie, who had become my counsellor in the meantime, told me that Fred was a married man who was not vulnerable and even if I had made advances, he was responsible for saying no.
Lizzie was the first person who had ever explained to me that sexual abuse is not the victim's fault, and I had been living shamed by it for so long.
But anyway, I went to New Zealand with Juliet despite our differences, and, bearing in mind I had only ever been to Ireland before, no further, I was petrified, and Juliet kept doing as she did, misrepresenting me and telling people I was 'acting out' when I was afraid and had migraines.
Do the Diocese not wonder why, if I am supposed to have been such a bad person, Juliet took me to New Zealand for three weeks, in another of a very very long line of professional and church boundary violations.
I was diagnosed as AS, and the hospital where I was diagnosed did a list of recommendations for my care and support, but unfortunately the help I needed was virtually unavailable, they reccomended further tests and brain scans, but I do not know that the tests were ever carried out, and I never knew the results of the brain scans, and I would like to, to resolve for good my question of if brain damage is making my condition worse, as I did take three severe blows to the head by the time I was four years old.
Anyway, I was referred to psychiatry, but I wasn't very talkative, so I am not sure they knew what to do with me, and I am not sure how they could have helped me. The behavioural help I needed was not available, and I was offered some day-courses in anxiety and anger management but didn't find these very insightful.
I contacted the National Autistic society because no behavioural or anger help was available on the NHS, (although back then I was not angry the way I am now, just the occasional flash of fury), the National Autistic Society sent me a list of behavioural therapists but there were none in Hampshire, they were in Sussex, Surrey and Dorset, and even then I looked at the costs and travelling, but I wasn't earning well, couldn't budget well, was getting into debt and realised it was an impossibility.
My friendship with the couple who had helped me get to diagnosis, broke down as their friend, a youth leader from church was arrested for child abuse, and when I spoke to Juliet about it in distress as i had worked with this man a lot, she said that he was just a victim himself and I would be judged the same as him by God.
I have lived with that wound a long time and it was violently made worse by an inaccurate depiction of it in the Korris report.
I continued to see Lizzie for counselling, she was a private counsellor who kindly saw me at a reduced rate, Lizzie is the only counsellor who has been able to work with me, I lack the skill to bond and interact with a counsellor normally and find having to talk, especially about emotions, excruciating. But Lizzie worked with me through art - clay, plasticine, paints and pencils, we worked through things that way and as we did, my ability to speak increased dramatically, Lizzie said this was because neural pathways were connecting where they had been disconnected due to trauma.
Lizzie worked successfully with me for two years and profoundly helped me before she retired and I went to college. She has been the single most succesful form of help I have had.
In the meantime in my new village, a church couple got involved with me, and they were a lot like the couple who had such complex problems who got involved with me before, only this new couple were quite posh, like everyone to know how comfortable and privilaged their family were and about everything they had and did, and this couple were extreme evangelical, a new thing to me, as I was used to much more middle of the road church.
Anyway, this couple, when I needed to move house, decided to take me in and let me stay in their spare room in return for looking after their garden.
They invited me to move in a week before they went to France in their Camper van. Which was rather a trusting thing to do, and obviously they must have known me well enough to know I am not just some evil troublemaker which is how their friend Gavin Ashenden is representing me on their behalf and their family in Jersey's behalf these days, otherwise they would not have moved me in a week before they went away and left me there alone for two weeks!
Before they went, the woman of the couple, Jill Lihou, got me to talk about my past and found out I had been suicidal due to the struggles in my life, and got very upset, this is when I found out she was mentally ill, and had been for a very long time, she told me about how she had hated her children when they were young and had hoped that Heather would die or that Anna would have an accident in the playground.
This was beyond me to understand.
She told me she had 'continued her duties in church as normal but had broken down one day when the vicar had asked something of her and that is how they found out she was ill after not knowing'.
The funny thing is, this side of me being slandered by their friend Gavin Ashenden for being supposedly mentally ill myself, and hearing how he 'drives demons out' of people with mental illness, it makes me wonder 'Is there really one rule for the rich and one for the poor in the church of England?'
Jill's behaviour, in the past and with me was harmful, and she holds church positions, but I am slated and slandered and driven out of churches, while Jill Lihou remains in positions in the church.
Anyway, Jill and her husband George, came home to find I had cleaned the house and descaled the kettle, and they were quite pleased.
Jill and George had initially said to stay until I found lodgings, then Jill changed it to me staying until their family came over from Jersey for half term, that family being Reverend Phil Warren, Heather Warren and their spoilt grandchildren.
I remember being absolutely amazed that George said that one of the grandchildren wanted to see an elephant so they were trying to find somewhere with elephants to take her. Wouldn't it be nice if we could all snap our fingers and have what we wanted?
But that is how they were, the conversation, all the time, in church, out of church and at the table, was everything that Jill and George's family had, and for me, barely getting enough work, it was painful, I had to hear about the private school, the dance lessons, the music lessons, the film opportunity, the holidays, everything ad nauseum, it wore me down and ate at my self esteem, having never been to school and never having had an opportunity for any sort of hobby or music teaching, and as well all the wealth being boasted about, we had to hear about the channel islands and the skiing holidays in Switzerland every single day.
George was from Guernsey and they had family in Jersey, so all the church, community or house heard about was the channel island, or the yearly skiiing holidays in Switzerland.
Sometimes I asked Jill and George if we could talk about something I could also talk about, but that came across as rude even though it was not intended that way, and we didn't have anything to talk about apart from that.
So I had to listen, and I felt smaller and less adequate all the time. The Church of England is not really geared up to the poor and isolated and disabled, and even by then I still didn't know it. I wouldn't have known to remove myself from the Church of England or any of this at that point, I did not know what to do but endure it and think it was God's will for me to stay there with them.
As I will summarize later, I didn't and still don't really, understand that relationships can be unhealthy, I tend to fall into relationships when I am approached and related to, and that is quite consistent, I do not make friends or know how to approach people or ask questions, people become friends when they approach me, and keep talking to me and approaching me, unfortunately this leaves me open to abuse and unhealthy relationships but as yet, I have not been able to change it much.
I grew to love Jill and George but felt very inferior to them, I could not do any of the things they talked about constantly and when they went on and on about their grandchildren getting piano grades and everything I felt such despair, would God ever bless me with even these ordinary things that normal people get to do? I would have given anything to learn piano, only I had nothing to give, so I used to painfully practice on Jill and George's piano and get laughed at by George.
Jill's very obviously had problems and would often shake or cry, not because of me, at the time but because she was ill, she would get very upset about 'the ladies in Africa' and the old ladies in the village and things, and then she started getting upset over me, because I could hardly speak in church and she wanted everyone to see how I could speak to her and George but in church the noise and crowds were too much for me.
Jill was a former nurse and she often spoke about how badly she was treated at the hospital and how a man had attacked her, she obviously never had closure from her past. Jill was very deeply involved in my life and was overly concerned but I did not know boundaries. So I let her take me to a doctor and tell them that she was a former nurse and if they put me on a slightly risky drug, she would administer it. She told me that she and George were not just my friends but were my 'carers' as well. I wonder if the Diocese know that or if Gavin Ashenden mentioned it in his damnation of me.
But anyway, this move by Jill was to affect my life increasingly in future, with side effects from the medicine being severe despair and also affected heartbeat, but I didn't know it at the time or until I was at college.
I was asked to house sit for Jill and George's churchwarden friend and his wife, and I did. I cleaned their house and they came back and the wife, who was deaf kept saying 'It's clean! It's clean!' she was really happy. While I was house sitting and also looking after their two cats, Jill and George's house group, which normally met at their house, came over and had house group where I was house sitting, which was nice.
It was in the summer of 2006 that I went to stay with Jill and George, and in September they went to Jersey for a few weeks to babysit Phil and Heather Warren's daughters. While they were away I got an offer of a place on a course in Dorset and I decided to take the offer, which meant leaving the Lihou's house before they returned. I phoned Phil Warren's house in Jersey, as I was instructed to if I needed to speak to George or Jill, and Phil answered and I was very shy and asked if I could speak to Jill, I told Jill that I was going to leave while they were away. So she arranged for their other daughter, Anna Honour to come and collect the dog, Jessa, who I was looking after as well as looking after the house and garden.
But Jill was still very upset about me going while they were away, and when they got back, she phoned me every single night, which, considering my autism, disrupted me re-settling, because I felt guilty about Jill and leaving them and felt I had done something wrong and could not focus on my new life.
Jill's extreme need to be in touch with me caused increasing problems as I continued at college, she didn't just phone every night, she wanted me to make the 60 mile drive 'home' every Friday night for the weekend, and of course I wanted to do that, of course I did, but I had no boundaries and as a result, my new life was not as it should have been.
I was enjoying college, as well as being very nervous as I was a mature student among a load of 16 and 17 year olds.
We were offered an outing to an agricultural show one day, and I was delighted, but unfortunately I collapsed at the showground and was rushed to hospital.
I was found to have an irregular heartbeat, which they decided was either a heart murmur or a reaction to the drug I was on, which was now rarely prescribed because of side effects and potential danger to people who were suicidal, and they did ask me if I had taken an overdose, but I hadn't.
Anyway this upset Jill Lihou again, and Jill and George's friend Paul offered to come all the way to the hospital to collect me, which annoyed his wife, who was jealous because Paul had taken over my finances and had got me to sign everything over to him.
Paul badly let me down by never doing any of the financial work he said he would, and as a result I lost benefits and was left in debt, which got worse and worse with each bank charge added. Paul doubly let me down by giving up on my finances after having done nothing to help and because his wife was getting jealous, but he didn't tell me he was letting me down, he told George and Jill, and caused some heated discussions and I suffered and so did my friendship with George and Jill. seeing Paul in church after that was an embarrassment after that.
Anyway, in October, Jill and George's family in Jersey came to stay with them for a week, so I didn't go back for the weekends, and then it turned out that they had told Jill not to get me to go home every weekend not every other weekend, this was not discussed with me, it was decided without me.
But Jill was still phoning me every day, and running up her and George's phone bill and he told her to keep the calls short, but if I had dared I would have said don't call every day, but as in my other friendships, I always felt like a child, while they were the adults.
Anyway, every decision behind my back was damaging, and from start to finish in my friendship with Jill and George, they discussed me behind my back, with all and sundry from church, with my old employers, with their family, and this left me defensive and hurt
If you are wondering why I am telling you all this. I am telling you how I have got to the stage of utter crisis with anger and mistrust.
My privacy has not been respected as long as I have associated with the Church of England.
Anyway, eventually Jill stopped phoning every single day, I had another minor rush to hospital, and I began to bond with the couple I lodged with, who incidentally had had negative experiences of the church.
But Jill then wanted to phone on Friday nights, because that is when she chose to phone, and she refused to acccept that I could either be working or on my way to visit my other friends. Just as she refused to take in that I was in danger of quitting college because I could not support myself financially.
She kept asking why she couldn't phone on Friday, just as she kept asking why I was in danger of quitting college.
Jill's intensive involvement meant I was neglecting my old friends who had been part of my life before she was, and she continued to get between me and them even when I was in Jersey. I am sure she didn't mean to, but she was very intensively involved with me, and as it has been realised, as late as only this year, the attachment disorder that I have provokes a specific negative reaction to close involvement, and if only I had known, anyone had known, earlier in my life, then problems could have been averted. But it would have helped if the diocese had had a proper safeguarding procedure in place as well, so that I didn't keep ending up intensely helped by unsuitable people
Anyway, Jill and George invited me home for Christmas 2006.
I didn't get to see my other friends over Christmas, I actually worked on a farm over Christmas but also stayed with Jill and George, and heard all about their family ad nauseum and felt very low, I was still affected by the side effects of the awful drug, which Jill now refused to look after and got upset about and even though she had told the doctor she would have custody of the drug and administer it, she was now upset about it, which made no sense to me but I was the cause of the upset, another wound.
Anyway, Jill told me that if I hadn't been staying then she would have had one of her grandsons to stay, she kept telling me this, until I asked if she wanted me to leave. She said no, but continued to say it.
I got so low I quit the holiday job and went back to my college lodgings early after I asked Jill and George to sit down and talk through our problems and they apparently sat there waiting to talk to me at 11pm at night after their skiing programme finished even though I had gone to bed by then.
Things remained rocky, they decided to come and see me in Dorset, the second time, I think, the first time was when they returned from Jersey and George hugged me for the first time.
Anyway, I was in increasing debt, stressed and worried, and that day in Dorset, all I heard from George and Jill was about everything their family had.
I had had enough.
When we got back to the house, I was so demoralized by Jill and George's boasting that I told them to go home, and I went to my room and cried.
Unfortunately, very unfortunately, Jill decided to come after me even though I had asked them to go, and my landlady let her in.
My reflex reaction when she came into my room where I was crying, was to shriek at her to go. I was hurt and I wanted privacy, I hadn't wanted a whole day of Jill and George boasting while I was in debt and struggling to complete my course.
I had no idea of the impact of me reacting by shrieking 'go away!' at Jill had.
But when I was in hampshire visiting family and friends, now that the Lihous had stopped the stream of communication, I went to apologize to them, and George came out and shouted at me and told me to go away, he came after me and shouted and said I made Jill ill. I was horrified and ran away with him coming after me and shouting.
The police found me, not because of the Lihous but because I was sitting in my car in a layby in despair.
They decided I was suicidal and sectioned me, brutally threw me on a cell floor and left me there until a doctor said there was nothing wrong with me, and let me out, I was bruised and shocked, and as with all the police brutality I have suffered, it is needless to brutalize someone who is terrified and harmless and has not done anything.
Anyway, I wrote to Jill and apologized, she had no idea what George had done in coming after me that night and so was very surprised to find out, and asked him if it was true, and told him to say sorry, and he muttered 'sorry' obediently, but I think, because of the police brutality as well as what he had done, I remained terrified of him ever after. Which annoyed Jill, because she said he had said sorry and that made it better and forgiven, and he said the same, even though he had simply done as Jill told him and muttered sorry when she found out. Isn't it funny how they, in their part in the Channel islands hate and smear campaign do not appear to have forgiven me?
Anyway, the friendship remained rocky after that, although my other friendships in the village and in my old villages remained the same as ever.
One day after months of hardship I recieved a big tax rebate and an cheque from some work I had done, and I had a day off college, so I went to the channel islands as a day out, and was offered a job for the summer while I was there.
My contact with Jill and George had been intermittent and eventually I told them not to contact me.
Trying to be firm with boundaries I did not understand. But I thought 'what a pity, I can't play one-upmanship with them about the channel islands as they are always bloasting'.
Anyway Jill upset me a lot by sending me a card on my birthday, and I was upset, but it caused the always rocky relationship to kick off again, on and off and unstable and as always, taking my focus away from other areas of my life.
One day Jill decided I was 'part of their family' but it was never discussed and I never knew what part, but I said no as I simply did not understand how I, a scruffy outsider who was not welcomed by their children and family, could be a part of their family.
So I graduated college with distinctions and £20 left and made my way to Jersey, no longer in contact with Jill and George because it hurt too much.
Although Jill, for some reason, and still trying to be in control, said she wanted me to have my post sent to me c/o the office at her family's St. Matthews church. seeing as I did not get on well with her family, I am not sure that was a good plan and so it never happened, and Jill also said that the rest of her family would be in Jersey the week I was moving there so I would 'see them', basically Jill and George's family knew, as I did, that I was not part of the family and they didn't want me around.
Anyway, I did not want contact with Jill and George for some time after I moved to Jersey, actually at the time I didn't want contact with any of my friends or family, so I told them I needed a break, and I kept a diary for them and spent a lot of time alone on the beaches and cliffs.
I met the Avertys and their church, which is another story, which you already know from the Korris report. But Jill and George also came back into my life, wanting to meet me when they were in Jersey with their family, telling me how their other family, Jon and Anna Honour, had moved from Woodley to Guernsey to take up a new church position there, and then back into the boasts.
Jill and George met Robb Averty, and they wanted me to stay with them when I came back to England for a visit, which wrecked my plans and my holiday, and after more boasting, I asked them to conclude our friendship.
The subsequent goings on in Jersey and then Winchester and my life on the street, compounded the damage already done to my ability to trust, attach or control my temper.
Jersey is another story, but what I have been illustrating is some of how I have ended up so severely angry and detached instead of recovering from my childhood, although who knows how much I could have recovered?
Let me talk to you about attachment disorder, which both caused and became compounded by the relationships briefly described above.
Here are the links again: http://www.buzzle.com/articles/attachment-disorder-in-adults.html
http://attachmenttherapy.com/adult.htm
Now in context of the relationships described in this post, I had better tell you how attachment disorder affects me:
Starting with the first link, I will quote the symptoms that affect me:
Negative and Provocative Behavior: This condition creates a general negative mindset and leads to provocative behavior that angers others along with oneself.
Well yes, nothing to be proud of and I am not. I am never deliberately provocative, believe it or not, but that does not mean I do not provoke.
The following point, desire for control, only refers to me in that I need to be in control of my life and surroundings, I have no desire to control people, I prefer to escape from them.
Resistance to Love and Guidance: A natural symptom of an attachment disorder is the lack of ability to connect, empathize or sympathize with anyone. People who suffer from this disorder also face difficulty in giving and receiving love and affection from others. They are unable to develop feelings of closeness. They also refuse to accept general advice and guidance from others.
This is a marked symptom in me, it is one that really resounds with me, resistance to love and guidance. And, as with all of this, it is not deliberate, it is how the years have affected my mind. I cannot get close to anyone, I am without the right formula to bond correctly with people, and knowing that is painful, scary, loney and hopeless but it is the case, I can bond superficially but cannot carry a deep emotional connection, even though I can superficially love and tend to respond to other people's love as best I can. I believe that when I was first with Juliet, my potential capacity for love and possible repair was greater and because of the abuse and blame, it got less.
Lack of Trust: Along with the lack of ability to empathize, such persons fail to develop trusting relationships with others, irrespective of their closeness with the person in question.
The depth of damage done means I do not trust.
Anger and Agitation: Adults suffering from attachment disorder are deeply sad and depressed within, and tend to feel isolated. They are overcome by stress and frustration. However, they conceal these traits by showing anger very often, either openly or covertly. Anger is displayed through destructive, cruel, and hostile behavior, and such persons may often argue with those who don't agree with them.
This anger and agitation which describes me so well, hurts and shames me as much as it hurts anyone, but I am horrified and guilty if I hurt anyone.
Superficial Positive Traits: The other side of the coin is that in spite of the above-mentioned symptoms, persons who suffer from this disorder can also appear charming
This is a hard one, but it is true that people who first meet me do not believe I can be so disturbed or angry until they get closely involved.
Helplessness: Due to the symptoms of isolation and depression, persons suffering from attachment disorder feel helpless and feel like they are being accused by family and friends at all times for various reasons.
I do feel helpless, as if I am always wrong but because this is beyond my control, it really is, I cannot get things right or even know what is right.
Lack of Responsibility: This means that they refuse to take any responsibility for their negative actions and are unable to handle conflict with others.
Like a child, I do not know what to do about conflict, I am not assertive, I am fearful and angry. I am not proud of that.
Confusion: Such persons are always confused, puzzled, and obsessed with finding answers to their queries. This confusion leads to general lack of concentration and a disability to hold their attention towards any activity for long.
This is a good description, it is a frustrating way of life. People think I am intelligent but I have tried to explain recently that if I am, the intelligence is unfocussed due to the condition.
Adults who suffer from attachment disorders most often experience fear and sadness. They deeply desire love and affection, but are unable to portray these desires effectively. Negative experiences in childhood lead them into denial and they fail to understand emotions such as love and attachment. With these deep-seated emotions, it is difficult to just 'talk them out' of such feelings. They require advanced therapeutic methods that involve a nurturing touch, restructuring of emotions, and treatment to break through the barriers of the mind and to get them to reveal all those trapped emotions. Role-playing is another method that helps with the treatment of this condition. Seeking expert help is the best way to assess and treat an attachment disorder. Furthermore, it is important that such individuals receive the necessary support from a friend or family member while undergoing therapy. Several times, this friend may be asked to attend therapy with them to be able to generate feelings of trust.
The treatment of this disorder is very sensitive and may take a long period of time, depending on how receptive the adult is to this kind of therapy. To be able to confront the fact that one is suffering from this disorder is itself a very challenging task. As such, therapy, along with the love and support of someone close to the sufferer, will adequately help in treating attachment disorder in adults.
Unfortunately the treatment I need for attachment disorder is almost unavailable, and so my life will continue to be hurt and hurting indefinitely. Unless someone somewhere can find a miracle solution.
I am almost able to get EMDR (trauma therapy) now, it my life was not in such severe crisis. But in actual fact, if I was more ordered in attachment and emotion then that would immediately make my life less harmful to myself and others.
So if you have any suggestions, please contact me.
If you look at the second article about attachment: attachment Therapy, it describes types of attachment disorder. I am on the Avoidant Spectrum with a bit of Ambivelance, which clashes and merges with the Autistic Spectrum, but I believe it can all be treated together in Therapy.
This is the Avoidant Attachment Disorder:
Compulsive Caregiving Feel overinvolved and underappreciated Rapid relationship breakups Idealizing of others Strong desire for partner to reciprocate in relationship Desire for extensive contact and declarations of affections Overinvests his/her emotions in a relationship Perceives relationships as imbalanced Relationship is idealized Preoccupation with relationship Dependence on relationship Heavy reliance on partner Views partner as desirable but unpredictable (sometimes available, sometimes not) Perceives others as difficult to understand Relationship is primary method by which one can experience a sense of security Unlikely to view others as altruistic Sensitive to rejection Discomfort with anger Extreme emotions Jealous Possessive Views self as unlovable Suicide attempts Mood swings Tendency toward anaclitic depression (dependent depression)
I do not have all the symptoms listed. Not by a long Way, and I am mainly in the avoidant category but have difficulty with closeness, I am actually perfectly ok and happy in a less close and more casual friendship, it is noticably when people try to help me that I become distressed and angry and lash out. Nothing to be proud of, but The Deanery of Jersey have, without understanding me or my story or circumstances, made me out to be deliberately bad and evil. And yet, before that awful situation in Jersey, where Robb Averty regressed me to childhood again, which was both dangerous and harmful, and sexually and emotionally abused me and then I was treated so badly for reporting him, I never used to swear, I did not do the extreme things I did in Jersey previously, I just reacted badly to ongoing hardship and abuse and damage and unhelpful relationships. I came from my upbringing and it's damage, into the diocese of Winchester, I did not know what was wrong with me and could not get help. And in the unhealthy relationships developed, the damage became increasingly severe and I am now very seriously damaged.
I am sorry for my reactions and how I am, I really am, but until this year I did not even understand what the underlying disorder, attachment disorder was, and although I cannot cure it, I also did not cause it, and have endeavoured all my adult life to better myself and be a good citizen.
I have become increasingly and severely afraid of help and intervention since the Diocesan actions against me as I am terrified of being helpless at their hands again.
I hope that this post helps you to understand a bit of the background of me, even though it does not really cover the Asperger/autism side of things. There is so much more to tell you.
The link below is a good link but please also read the rest of the post. The link below shows why I have spent my adulthood struggling, and only found out in the past year. I did not receive any assessment when I was a child and by the time I was an adult, not only was the damage done, but what was wrong was overlooked and my efforts to get help were futile, because I didn't know what was wrong, and neither did anyone else. Attachment disorder is scarcely understood or diagnosed, especially not in adults.
As a child I didn't go to school, have a doctor or see a psychologist. So I was not aware of what was wrong with me.
This is the best descriptive article I can find, but the help I need remains unavailable.
http://www.buzzle.com/articles/attachment-disorder-in-adults.html
Here is another website, treatment is expensive, scarce and barely available in the UK. Dangerous forms of attachment therapy used to be inflicted on children and gave attachment therapy bad press, but by the time someone is my age and severely damaged, what can be done, homeless and on the run from the diocese and feeling like I carry everyone's sins as well as mine, what can be done? If anyone reading this can help in any way, I am desparate for help, in order to stop hurting myself and others.
http://attachmenttherapy.com/adult.htm
Let me try to explain me:
My upbringing was unsettled, with no safety, my parents were unable to keep us safe from harm and we knew no settled and safe place, and because I am also on the autism spectrum, I needed a settled and safe environment.
My mother had my sister a year before she had me, she then had my brothers a year later. She was ill physically and mentally and though she did things like washing, cooking and ironing when she was not too unwell, she was not there for us emotionally, and while I was quite young she was also away in hospital for a long time after the birth of my younger sister, and I did not know, nor could anyone tell me, if she was coming home. I did not bond with my mother and have never felt love or attachment for her, she was, throughout my childhood and adulthood, unstable and delusional , to worrying degrees. I am not blaming her, and I feel no emnity towards her. The last I heard of my mother was a saga where she was threatening to kill herself and my younger sister who was 14 at the time. And all the time I had contact with my mother, I was highly anxious because she was so unpredictable.
Both times my dad had strokes, the second of which killed him, my Mum left him unconscious and did not call an ambulance.
She is reputed to have left me unconscious with head injuries several times as a child, which may also have contributed to my problems, but that is hearsay. Enough witnesses say I was unconscious with head injuries several times and that I got no medical help though.
So that is my Mum, I am not intending to malign her, I feel sad for her, I guess. But as a result of the issues I did not bond with her or see her as a safe caregiver.
My Dad was quite different, he was on the autism spectrum and was not an affectionate man, although he learned to hug us in the end, he was a paradox, violently punishing us and terrifyingly angry at times, but also he was often the main carer, making sure we ate and washed and did our lessons. But both the severe physical punishments and shouting, and the fact that my parents led us through constant danger and distress meant that again, I did not bond.
I missed out on the last years of my parents' life, when they were more settled, calmer and my dad was much more amiable, but my mum continued to have untreated psychiatric problems, and I missed out because I had moved away and remained afraid of them and afraid of being drawn back into the closed family, although they were not as closed as they used to be, my fear remained.
But, as a result of the problems my parents and thus the family faced, and the lack of outside input or support and the lack of diagnosis and treatment for my autism and my parents' problems.
I did not attach properly, and grew up not attached but just being in my family. I was also sexually abused when I was young, and my family faced constant hostility for being the large, antisocial noisy, messy closed family that they were.
And so I learned to be fearful and angry, not socialized through school or outside activities and thus not learning the social norms.
My anger and detachedness grew and after severe violence aged 12 left me with a breakdown and permenant psychological scarring, I was in a bad way when I left home five lonely and violent years later, barely able to communicate and very fearful.
Very soon after leaving my family, I was deeply affected by a programme to do with a confident young lad who moved to a bad area and was bullied at his new school until he tried to commit suicide and ended up in a psychiatric unit.
I had always repressed my past and it was then I realised just how bad things had been. But I was still very much under my parents' influence on the cult side of things, and I remember one evening at college I was terrified by my mother telling me that there was going to be a Jihad by the muslims and all of us Jews would be killed, I was hysterical and terrified, and this was not the first time I had been told such damaging and dangerous things, and such was my autism and mindset from growing up with all this that I believed it.
But I was also seeing a new way of life, outside my parents' influence and a life where people were peaceful, friendly and knew how to greet each other, I still hadn't even grasped the basics of greeting people.
Anyway, I sought help as best I knew how, I asked to see the college counsellor, and my Mum was very scathing indeed when she heard, and such was her influence that I doubted myself, but I presisted.
Unfortunately the counsellor was not very skilled and thought I was there because of rape trauma, and built a story for me himself, which is not good practice, but I had no communication skills and could not work with him, and it was an unqualified disaster. The poor man was only basically trained and was not geared up to the complexity of my upbringing or the level of disorder I suffered.
I transferred from seeing him to seeing another college counsellor, Juliet Montague, who was also the local Vicar, and who said I was identical to the stepdaughter she had had to give up because her angry and jealous husband had made her choose between him and the stepdaughter.
So instead of counselling me, she started taking me home, immediately breaking professional counselling boundaries and also Church of England Safeguarding Rules. Although I had no understanding of this.
Juliet took over my life, had me placed in an unsuitable and dangerous work placement without discussing the terms with me properly or making sure I agreed or was happy, and a lot of distress and also damage to my physical health occured as a result. I was left alone or with strange men on a farm not geared up to an inexperienced student, nor one with the problems I had, and I was treated like a slave in bad conditions and this did nothing for my self-esteem, on top of being routinely misunderstood at college, where my undiagnosed conditions of autism, trauma and attachment disorder made it look as if I was being awkward or mentally ill.
I think that even aged 19, if I had been able to get the right help and hadn't been brought into Juliet's troubled family as a replacement for my own, then I may have had a slightly better chance at life.
As it was, Juliet took me home, and my illusion of English country parsons and their serene families was shattered. Juliet's family constantly fought, especially Juliet's mother and her husband, Fred, I soon learned that Fred's daughter had had a terrible childhood and had ended up with a personality disorder and severe psychiatric problems, Juliet had met the daughter when she was 15 and Juliet was going out with Fred while he was still married to his first wife but the marriage was in ruins, because of Fred's temper and And Juliet attempted and failed to 'love Fred's daughter better', but failed, and was forced to abandon her after fights between Fred and his daughter, who accused him of sexual abuse, and fights between Juliet and Fred over the daughter.
I, as the very image of this stepdaughter, was taken from being counselled at college by Juliet, to being part of her family, bearing the violent rows of Juliet's mother and Fred, and also facing Fred's anger regularly, which, as you can imagine, did not help my already ingrained and increasingly severe behavioural and attachment disorders. I was also now without a counsellor at all, but at the time, after seeing a doctor regularly, who diagnosed me vaguely with depression, was on anti-depressants, and not aware of how severely the side effects were on me.
This is when Fred Montague stopped shouting at me so much and decided to be loving, but not in a proper way.
He was trying to have a sexual relationship with me.
So, aged 20, I was being abused, in a situation where I should have been receiving counselling, and was now a square peg in a round hole in Juliet's family, I was being abused.
Juliet's mother was ambivalent towards me, alternatively feeling sorry for me and being kind, thinking I was like Norma, a prostitute Juliet had rescued and taken home previously, or saying I was like Sally, Juliet's step-daughter, or saying I was a user and out for what I could get, which astonished me as I asked for nothing and went along with Juliet's wishes for my life, which included Juliet blocking me from being assessed and diagnosed when I realised I was probably on the autism spectrum. Juliet was very much in control of me and crossed many boundaries for a number of years, which has also aggravated my conditions and prevented me getting help.
Juliet's Father was always in agreement with whoever spoke to him, liking an easy life, but when he saw Fred pulling me onto his knees early on, he told Fred in no uncertain terms that this was not appropriate, for which I salute him, Fred did not see me as a replacement for his daughter, but when Juliet called me hwer surrogate daughter, I went along with that, and Fred said that made him my father and he used this as the reason to pull me to his knees. After Juliet's dad saw that and reproached him, he never did that particular thing again.
Juliet's sister was also ambivelent, and she and her mum and Juliet were very judgemental of the world, the government and anyone in the newspapers, and they could be very judgemental of me, calling me 'strange' etc, and so on, within my hearing, although my hearing used to be too sharp.
So, as I said, my illusions of happy Christian Pastor's families was shattered, and I realised this family was quite dysfunctional.
Even more so when the abuse came to light and I was blamed for it, Juliet was working very long hours, overloaded with work and both she and Fred were very critical of Wolvsley and the Diocese for overloading Juliet to the point where she was trying to get to all her churches on a Sunday and was worn out. So I was often left alone in the house with Fred, as Juliet's parents spent long hours dozing or watching television, and they liked their space.
So I was alone with Fred, I had nowhere to go and was messed up by antidepressants, I wont describe here what Fred was doing, but I can say it was abuse, because he took advantage of my vulnerable state and my fear of his temper, and he knew what he was doing.
But when it was first realised, Juliet's mum hit the roof and blamed me, as did Juliet's sister, neither of whom understood me, and they raged about me and cursed me, and I went through what sadly a majority of victims do go through, denial and blame.
But they did also rage about Fred and talk about 'what he did to his daughter', which was alledgedly the same as what he did to me, although Juliet denied it.
Anyway, this all died down but Juliet, after first saying she believed me and that Fred's daughter had also been abused, and telling me very personal sexual details of her relationship with Fred, started to deny it and say I had 'seduced him' and I was a 'seductive child abuse victim' and it was 'six of one and half a dozen of the other', she never reported it to the diocese, neither did the other people in the Parish who I told.
So, I was now aged 20, and had only know dysfunctional and abusive and angry families, how was I to learn to behave properly? How was I to learn normal trusting and boundaried attachment if even Juliet could not keep the boundaries correct from the start? And I was carrying the burden of guilt and shame now, while I moved into a volatile and badly supervised sheltered house, from which I did not benefit, and Fred returned to his violent temper.
And ceased the abuse, apart from a few isolated incidents, these mainly when Juliet got him to collect or drive me to places usually to do with me assisting or accompanying her in her work, which i did as a matter of routine for some years. And she got Fred to drive me to places, including my house, where an incident occured, despite him abusing me previously and her blaming me! This remains incredible, and yet the diocese, who have villified me and never dealt with this have never even questioned this!
Anyway, as I grew away from Juliet and into adult life, I remained part of her churches, and spent many many hours doing duties for her churches and in her community, but she frequently caused issues by not passing messages to me from church members, and by intervening in my personal life and employment by contacting my employers and friends about me without my permission and passing on a negative and unhelpful view of me, for which I got angry, and it caused increase in my outbursts of temper and insecurity.
Juliet and I were friends, I grew out of her being my mother, which had been her suggestion. But this was not a healthy bond and her interventions led to me being further damaged and unable to trust.
I started seeking help for myself by the time I was 20, begging the doctor for answers and never getting any because he did not have time nor understanding of what was wrong.
And I also explored autism and how to get help and diagnosis, although for years there was no way of getting diagnosis in Hampshire, but, because no help was available on the NHS, for anything, I started paying £40 a session to see a behavioural therapist, which I could not really afford to keep up, because I was only on income support and had to make rent contributions and pay my living costs as well.
Since college and not benefitting from counselling, I had started extensively using self-help books, tapes and programmes, and though Juliet was scornful sometimes, I did benefit, although a lot of these programmes were for working people to improve their careers and aligability, I used them to improve my social and communication skills, there are no books aimed at someone coming from a background like mine and having no understanding of social norms, but I did my best with what I could get. I learned to greet people, to look at people and to smile, I learned a lot of social tricks and I learned about self-esteem and affirmations and how to be eager to work and help people and how to be proactive, it did change me and help me, but it didn't cure me.
Aged 21 and living independently for the first time, I was still very isolated, depressed, fearful and traumatized, but this was when I challenged my parent's influence over me for the first time and terrified, temporarily cut them out of my life, such was the weight of their influence I was afraid of God's wrath for doing this.
I was now on my own in the world, and mentally I was not 21, but much younger.
Juliet continued to be involved and continued to cross boundaries, and she also continued to dismiss my concerns for assessment and dioagnosis, telling me that what I thought was autism was me 'acting up' and that my physical problems were all 'psychosomatic', this was harmful because it meant that I felt invalidated and did not dare seek diagnosis, and having doctors who were busy and always running late did not help, so I endured conditions that affected my life and should have been diagnosed and treated.
I developed in my work life and social life, although my closest friends were generally older people in Juliet's churches, because I was completely lacking common ground with people my own age, I only had basic clothes, did not drink or party, did not really know or understand about people my age.
But my friendships were generally rewarding and loving, and I helped my friends with many church and community projects.
One friendship developed between me and a couple who both had a number of physical and mental health issues as well as family problems, and they got deeply involved in my life, and the more they got involved, the worse things got, which was the first real indicator of my attachment disorder, and also, I am told, a typical problem where people with problems get very involved with another person with problems as a panacea to their own problems.
Anyway, it was a damaging friendship among some quite good friendships, and it sapped my self-esteem, but the positive side of that negative relationship was that this couple just loved to diagnose things, and they wanted all my problems diagnosed. Which helped towards getting my AS diagnosed, at last.
By the time I was 24, I was on the waiting list for autism spectrum assesments in London, and the couple described above were going to go with me. I was also going to be moving to a new home and job. And this time, after all Juliet's disasterous interventions in my personal and work life, I did not let her know where I was to be working or living.
And after not seeing Juliet for months because I had disagreed with her interventions behind my back and her blame of me for what Fred did. I went to see her and she asked me if I would go to New Zealand with her! After months of no speaking because of her interventions and blame of me, she wanted to take me to the other side of the world?
Initially I was actually for once in my life assertive, and said no, we had too many problems, I am still amazed because even now I am not assertive I am fearful or aggressive, but anyway, Juliet said I should think about it, and I asked her if she would come and meet with me about our problems. And she did, and she still blamed me for Fred.
Lizzie, who had become my counsellor in the meantime, told me that Fred was a married man who was not vulnerable and even if I had made advances, he was responsible for saying no.
Lizzie was the first person who had ever explained to me that sexual abuse is not the victim's fault, and I had been living shamed by it for so long.
But anyway, I went to New Zealand with Juliet despite our differences, and, bearing in mind I had only ever been to Ireland before, no further, I was petrified, and Juliet kept doing as she did, misrepresenting me and telling people I was 'acting out' when I was afraid and had migraines.
Do the Diocese not wonder why, if I am supposed to have been such a bad person, Juliet took me to New Zealand for three weeks, in another of a very very long line of professional and church boundary violations.
I was diagnosed as AS, and the hospital where I was diagnosed did a list of recommendations for my care and support, but unfortunately the help I needed was virtually unavailable, they reccomended further tests and brain scans, but I do not know that the tests were ever carried out, and I never knew the results of the brain scans, and I would like to, to resolve for good my question of if brain damage is making my condition worse, as I did take three severe blows to the head by the time I was four years old.
Anyway, I was referred to psychiatry, but I wasn't very talkative, so I am not sure they knew what to do with me, and I am not sure how they could have helped me. The behavioural help I needed was not available, and I was offered some day-courses in anxiety and anger management but didn't find these very insightful.
I contacted the National Autistic society because no behavioural or anger help was available on the NHS, (although back then I was not angry the way I am now, just the occasional flash of fury), the National Autistic Society sent me a list of behavioural therapists but there were none in Hampshire, they were in Sussex, Surrey and Dorset, and even then I looked at the costs and travelling, but I wasn't earning well, couldn't budget well, was getting into debt and realised it was an impossibility.
My friendship with the couple who had helped me get to diagnosis, broke down as their friend, a youth leader from church was arrested for child abuse, and when I spoke to Juliet about it in distress as i had worked with this man a lot, she said that he was just a victim himself and I would be judged the same as him by God.
I have lived with that wound a long time and it was violently made worse by an inaccurate depiction of it in the Korris report.
I continued to see Lizzie for counselling, she was a private counsellor who kindly saw me at a reduced rate, Lizzie is the only counsellor who has been able to work with me, I lack the skill to bond and interact with a counsellor normally and find having to talk, especially about emotions, excruciating. But Lizzie worked with me through art - clay, plasticine, paints and pencils, we worked through things that way and as we did, my ability to speak increased dramatically, Lizzie said this was because neural pathways were connecting where they had been disconnected due to trauma.
Lizzie worked successfully with me for two years and profoundly helped me before she retired and I went to college. She has been the single most succesful form of help I have had.
In the meantime in my new village, a church couple got involved with me, and they were a lot like the couple who had such complex problems who got involved with me before, only this new couple were quite posh, like everyone to know how comfortable and privilaged their family were and about everything they had and did, and this couple were extreme evangelical, a new thing to me, as I was used to much more middle of the road church.
Anyway, this couple, when I needed to move house, decided to take me in and let me stay in their spare room in return for looking after their garden.
They invited me to move in a week before they went to France in their Camper van. Which was rather a trusting thing to do, and obviously they must have known me well enough to know I am not just some evil troublemaker which is how their friend Gavin Ashenden is representing me on their behalf and their family in Jersey's behalf these days, otherwise they would not have moved me in a week before they went away and left me there alone for two weeks!
Before they went, the woman of the couple, Jill Lihou, got me to talk about my past and found out I had been suicidal due to the struggles in my life, and got very upset, this is when I found out she was mentally ill, and had been for a very long time, she told me about how she had hated her children when they were young and had hoped that Heather would die or that Anna would have an accident in the playground.
This was beyond me to understand.
She told me she had 'continued her duties in church as normal but had broken down one day when the vicar had asked something of her and that is how they found out she was ill after not knowing'.
The funny thing is, this side of me being slandered by their friend Gavin Ashenden for being supposedly mentally ill myself, and hearing how he 'drives demons out' of people with mental illness, it makes me wonder 'Is there really one rule for the rich and one for the poor in the church of England?'
Jill's behaviour, in the past and with me was harmful, and she holds church positions, but I am slated and slandered and driven out of churches, while Jill Lihou remains in positions in the church.
Anyway, Jill and her husband George, came home to find I had cleaned the house and descaled the kettle, and they were quite pleased.
Jill and George had initially said to stay until I found lodgings, then Jill changed it to me staying until their family came over from Jersey for half term, that family being Reverend Phil Warren, Heather Warren and their spoilt grandchildren.
I remember being absolutely amazed that George said that one of the grandchildren wanted to see an elephant so they were trying to find somewhere with elephants to take her. Wouldn't it be nice if we could all snap our fingers and have what we wanted?
But that is how they were, the conversation, all the time, in church, out of church and at the table, was everything that Jill and George's family had, and for me, barely getting enough work, it was painful, I had to hear about the private school, the dance lessons, the music lessons, the film opportunity, the holidays, everything ad nauseum, it wore me down and ate at my self esteem, having never been to school and never having had an opportunity for any sort of hobby or music teaching, and as well all the wealth being boasted about, we had to hear about the channel islands and the skiing holidays in Switzerland every single day.
George was from Guernsey and they had family in Jersey, so all the church, community or house heard about was the channel island, or the yearly skiiing holidays in Switzerland.
Sometimes I asked Jill and George if we could talk about something I could also talk about, but that came across as rude even though it was not intended that way, and we didn't have anything to talk about apart from that.
So I had to listen, and I felt smaller and less adequate all the time. The Church of England is not really geared up to the poor and isolated and disabled, and even by then I still didn't know it. I wouldn't have known to remove myself from the Church of England or any of this at that point, I did not know what to do but endure it and think it was God's will for me to stay there with them.
As I will summarize later, I didn't and still don't really, understand that relationships can be unhealthy, I tend to fall into relationships when I am approached and related to, and that is quite consistent, I do not make friends or know how to approach people or ask questions, people become friends when they approach me, and keep talking to me and approaching me, unfortunately this leaves me open to abuse and unhealthy relationships but as yet, I have not been able to change it much.
I grew to love Jill and George but felt very inferior to them, I could not do any of the things they talked about constantly and when they went on and on about their grandchildren getting piano grades and everything I felt such despair, would God ever bless me with even these ordinary things that normal people get to do? I would have given anything to learn piano, only I had nothing to give, so I used to painfully practice on Jill and George's piano and get laughed at by George.
Jill's very obviously had problems and would often shake or cry, not because of me, at the time but because she was ill, she would get very upset about 'the ladies in Africa' and the old ladies in the village and things, and then she started getting upset over me, because I could hardly speak in church and she wanted everyone to see how I could speak to her and George but in church the noise and crowds were too much for me.
Jill was a former nurse and she often spoke about how badly she was treated at the hospital and how a man had attacked her, she obviously never had closure from her past. Jill was very deeply involved in my life and was overly concerned but I did not know boundaries. So I let her take me to a doctor and tell them that she was a former nurse and if they put me on a slightly risky drug, she would administer it. She told me that she and George were not just my friends but were my 'carers' as well. I wonder if the Diocese know that or if Gavin Ashenden mentioned it in his damnation of me.
But anyway, this move by Jill was to affect my life increasingly in future, with side effects from the medicine being severe despair and also affected heartbeat, but I didn't know it at the time or until I was at college.
I was asked to house sit for Jill and George's churchwarden friend and his wife, and I did. I cleaned their house and they came back and the wife, who was deaf kept saying 'It's clean! It's clean!' she was really happy. While I was house sitting and also looking after their two cats, Jill and George's house group, which normally met at their house, came over and had house group where I was house sitting, which was nice.
It was in the summer of 2006 that I went to stay with Jill and George, and in September they went to Jersey for a few weeks to babysit Phil and Heather Warren's daughters. While they were away I got an offer of a place on a course in Dorset and I decided to take the offer, which meant leaving the Lihou's house before they returned. I phoned Phil Warren's house in Jersey, as I was instructed to if I needed to speak to George or Jill, and Phil answered and I was very shy and asked if I could speak to Jill, I told Jill that I was going to leave while they were away. So she arranged for their other daughter, Anna Honour to come and collect the dog, Jessa, who I was looking after as well as looking after the house and garden.
But Jill was still very upset about me going while they were away, and when they got back, she phoned me every single night, which, considering my autism, disrupted me re-settling, because I felt guilty about Jill and leaving them and felt I had done something wrong and could not focus on my new life.
Jill's extreme need to be in touch with me caused increasing problems as I continued at college, she didn't just phone every night, she wanted me to make the 60 mile drive 'home' every Friday night for the weekend, and of course I wanted to do that, of course I did, but I had no boundaries and as a result, my new life was not as it should have been.
I was enjoying college, as well as being very nervous as I was a mature student among a load of 16 and 17 year olds.
We were offered an outing to an agricultural show one day, and I was delighted, but unfortunately I collapsed at the showground and was rushed to hospital.
I was found to have an irregular heartbeat, which they decided was either a heart murmur or a reaction to the drug I was on, which was now rarely prescribed because of side effects and potential danger to people who were suicidal, and they did ask me if I had taken an overdose, but I hadn't.
Anyway this upset Jill Lihou again, and Jill and George's friend Paul offered to come all the way to the hospital to collect me, which annoyed his wife, who was jealous because Paul had taken over my finances and had got me to sign everything over to him.
Paul badly let me down by never doing any of the financial work he said he would, and as a result I lost benefits and was left in debt, which got worse and worse with each bank charge added. Paul doubly let me down by giving up on my finances after having done nothing to help and because his wife was getting jealous, but he didn't tell me he was letting me down, he told George and Jill, and caused some heated discussions and I suffered and so did my friendship with George and Jill. seeing Paul in church after that was an embarrassment after that.
Anyway, in October, Jill and George's family in Jersey came to stay with them for a week, so I didn't go back for the weekends, and then it turned out that they had told Jill not to get me to go home every weekend not every other weekend, this was not discussed with me, it was decided without me.
But Jill was still phoning me every day, and running up her and George's phone bill and he told her to keep the calls short, but if I had dared I would have said don't call every day, but as in my other friendships, I always felt like a child, while they were the adults.
Anyway, every decision behind my back was damaging, and from start to finish in my friendship with Jill and George, they discussed me behind my back, with all and sundry from church, with my old employers, with their family, and this left me defensive and hurt
If you are wondering why I am telling you all this. I am telling you how I have got to the stage of utter crisis with anger and mistrust.
My privacy has not been respected as long as I have associated with the Church of England.
Anyway, eventually Jill stopped phoning every single day, I had another minor rush to hospital, and I began to bond with the couple I lodged with, who incidentally had had negative experiences of the church.
But Jill then wanted to phone on Friday nights, because that is when she chose to phone, and she refused to acccept that I could either be working or on my way to visit my other friends. Just as she refused to take in that I was in danger of quitting college because I could not support myself financially.
She kept asking why she couldn't phone on Friday, just as she kept asking why I was in danger of quitting college.
Jill's intensive involvement meant I was neglecting my old friends who had been part of my life before she was, and she continued to get between me and them even when I was in Jersey. I am sure she didn't mean to, but she was very intensively involved with me, and as it has been realised, as late as only this year, the attachment disorder that I have provokes a specific negative reaction to close involvement, and if only I had known, anyone had known, earlier in my life, then problems could have been averted. But it would have helped if the diocese had had a proper safeguarding procedure in place as well, so that I didn't keep ending up intensely helped by unsuitable people
Anyway, Jill and George invited me home for Christmas 2006.
I didn't get to see my other friends over Christmas, I actually worked on a farm over Christmas but also stayed with Jill and George, and heard all about their family ad nauseum and felt very low, I was still affected by the side effects of the awful drug, which Jill now refused to look after and got upset about and even though she had told the doctor she would have custody of the drug and administer it, she was now upset about it, which made no sense to me but I was the cause of the upset, another wound.
Anyway, Jill told me that if I hadn't been staying then she would have had one of her grandsons to stay, she kept telling me this, until I asked if she wanted me to leave. She said no, but continued to say it.
I got so low I quit the holiday job and went back to my college lodgings early after I asked Jill and George to sit down and talk through our problems and they apparently sat there waiting to talk to me at 11pm at night after their skiing programme finished even though I had gone to bed by then.
Things remained rocky, they decided to come and see me in Dorset, the second time, I think, the first time was when they returned from Jersey and George hugged me for the first time.
Anyway, I was in increasing debt, stressed and worried, and that day in Dorset, all I heard from George and Jill was about everything their family had.
I had had enough.
When we got back to the house, I was so demoralized by Jill and George's boasting that I told them to go home, and I went to my room and cried.
Unfortunately, very unfortunately, Jill decided to come after me even though I had asked them to go, and my landlady let her in.
My reflex reaction when she came into my room where I was crying, was to shriek at her to go. I was hurt and I wanted privacy, I hadn't wanted a whole day of Jill and George boasting while I was in debt and struggling to complete my course.
I had no idea of the impact of me reacting by shrieking 'go away!' at Jill had.
But when I was in hampshire visiting family and friends, now that the Lihous had stopped the stream of communication, I went to apologize to them, and George came out and shouted at me and told me to go away, he came after me and shouted and said I made Jill ill. I was horrified and ran away with him coming after me and shouting.
The police found me, not because of the Lihous but because I was sitting in my car in a layby in despair.
They decided I was suicidal and sectioned me, brutally threw me on a cell floor and left me there until a doctor said there was nothing wrong with me, and let me out, I was bruised and shocked, and as with all the police brutality I have suffered, it is needless to brutalize someone who is terrified and harmless and has not done anything.
Anyway, I wrote to Jill and apologized, she had no idea what George had done in coming after me that night and so was very surprised to find out, and asked him if it was true, and told him to say sorry, and he muttered 'sorry' obediently, but I think, because of the police brutality as well as what he had done, I remained terrified of him ever after. Which annoyed Jill, because she said he had said sorry and that made it better and forgiven, and he said the same, even though he had simply done as Jill told him and muttered sorry when she found out. Isn't it funny how they, in their part in the Channel islands hate and smear campaign do not appear to have forgiven me?
Anyway, the friendship remained rocky after that, although my other friendships in the village and in my old villages remained the same as ever.
One day after months of hardship I recieved a big tax rebate and an cheque from some work I had done, and I had a day off college, so I went to the channel islands as a day out, and was offered a job for the summer while I was there.
My contact with Jill and George had been intermittent and eventually I told them not to contact me.
Trying to be firm with boundaries I did not understand. But I thought 'what a pity, I can't play one-upmanship with them about the channel islands as they are always bloasting'.
Anyway Jill upset me a lot by sending me a card on my birthday, and I was upset, but it caused the always rocky relationship to kick off again, on and off and unstable and as always, taking my focus away from other areas of my life.
One day Jill decided I was 'part of their family' but it was never discussed and I never knew what part, but I said no as I simply did not understand how I, a scruffy outsider who was not welcomed by their children and family, could be a part of their family.
So I graduated college with distinctions and £20 left and made my way to Jersey, no longer in contact with Jill and George because it hurt too much.
Although Jill, for some reason, and still trying to be in control, said she wanted me to have my post sent to me c/o the office at her family's St. Matthews church. seeing as I did not get on well with her family, I am not sure that was a good plan and so it never happened, and Jill also said that the rest of her family would be in Jersey the week I was moving there so I would 'see them', basically Jill and George's family knew, as I did, that I was not part of the family and they didn't want me around.
Anyway, I did not want contact with Jill and George for some time after I moved to Jersey, actually at the time I didn't want contact with any of my friends or family, so I told them I needed a break, and I kept a diary for them and spent a lot of time alone on the beaches and cliffs.
I met the Avertys and their church, which is another story, which you already know from the Korris report. But Jill and George also came back into my life, wanting to meet me when they were in Jersey with their family, telling me how their other family, Jon and Anna Honour, had moved from Woodley to Guernsey to take up a new church position there, and then back into the boasts.
Jill and George met Robb Averty, and they wanted me to stay with them when I came back to England for a visit, which wrecked my plans and my holiday, and after more boasting, I asked them to conclude our friendship.
The subsequent goings on in Jersey and then Winchester and my life on the street, compounded the damage already done to my ability to trust, attach or control my temper.
Jersey is another story, but what I have been illustrating is some of how I have ended up so severely angry and detached instead of recovering from my childhood, although who knows how much I could have recovered?
Let me talk to you about attachment disorder, which both caused and became compounded by the relationships briefly described above.
Here are the links again: http://www.buzzle.com/articles/attachment-disorder-in-adults.html
http://attachmenttherapy.com/adult.htm
Now in context of the relationships described in this post, I had better tell you how attachment disorder affects me:
Starting with the first link, I will quote the symptoms that affect me:
Impulsiveness: Adults with attachment disorder indulge in impulsive behavior, which they may or may not regret later.
The angry letters and emails I send when I am hurting are a classic example, I just launch without any thought. I never used to be as wild as I am now, Jersey did that to me. I only sent one angry letter to Juliet and a number to George and Jill after George lost his temper, but I never swore. Negative and Provocative Behavior: This condition creates a general negative mindset and leads to provocative behavior that angers others along with oneself.
Well yes, nothing to be proud of and I am not. I am never deliberately provocative, believe it or not, but that does not mean I do not provoke.
The following point, desire for control, only refers to me in that I need to be in control of my life and surroundings, I have no desire to control people, I prefer to escape from them.
Resistance to Love and Guidance: A natural symptom of an attachment disorder is the lack of ability to connect, empathize or sympathize with anyone. People who suffer from this disorder also face difficulty in giving and receiving love and affection from others. They are unable to develop feelings of closeness. They also refuse to accept general advice and guidance from others.
This is a marked symptom in me, it is one that really resounds with me, resistance to love and guidance. And, as with all of this, it is not deliberate, it is how the years have affected my mind. I cannot get close to anyone, I am without the right formula to bond correctly with people, and knowing that is painful, scary, loney and hopeless but it is the case, I can bond superficially but cannot carry a deep emotional connection, even though I can superficially love and tend to respond to other people's love as best I can. I believe that when I was first with Juliet, my potential capacity for love and possible repair was greater and because of the abuse and blame, it got less.
Lack of Trust: Along with the lack of ability to empathize, such persons fail to develop trusting relationships with others, irrespective of their closeness with the person in question.
The depth of damage done means I do not trust.
Anger and Agitation: Adults suffering from attachment disorder are deeply sad and depressed within, and tend to feel isolated. They are overcome by stress and frustration. However, they conceal these traits by showing anger very often, either openly or covertly. Anger is displayed through destructive, cruel, and hostile behavior, and such persons may often argue with those who don't agree with them.
This anger and agitation which describes me so well, hurts and shames me as much as it hurts anyone, but I am horrified and guilty if I hurt anyone.
Superficial Positive Traits: The other side of the coin is that in spite of the above-mentioned symptoms, persons who suffer from this disorder can also appear charming
This is a hard one, but it is true that people who first meet me do not believe I can be so disturbed or angry until they get closely involved.
Helplessness: Due to the symptoms of isolation and depression, persons suffering from attachment disorder feel helpless and feel like they are being accused by family and friends at all times for various reasons.
I do feel helpless, as if I am always wrong but because this is beyond my control, it really is, I cannot get things right or even know what is right.
Lack of Responsibility: This means that they refuse to take any responsibility for their negative actions and are unable to handle conflict with others.
Like a child, I do not know what to do about conflict, I am not assertive, I am fearful and angry. I am not proud of that.
Confusion: Such persons are always confused, puzzled, and obsessed with finding answers to their queries. This confusion leads to general lack of concentration and a disability to hold their attention towards any activity for long.
This is a good description, it is a frustrating way of life. People think I am intelligent but I have tried to explain recently that if I am, the intelligence is unfocussed due to the condition.
Adults who suffer from attachment disorders most often experience fear and sadness. They deeply desire love and affection, but are unable to portray these desires effectively. Negative experiences in childhood lead them into denial and they fail to understand emotions such as love and attachment. With these deep-seated emotions, it is difficult to just 'talk them out' of such feelings. They require advanced therapeutic methods that involve a nurturing touch, restructuring of emotions, and treatment to break through the barriers of the mind and to get them to reveal all those trapped emotions. Role-playing is another method that helps with the treatment of this condition. Seeking expert help is the best way to assess and treat an attachment disorder. Furthermore, it is important that such individuals receive the necessary support from a friend or family member while undergoing therapy. Several times, this friend may be asked to attend therapy with them to be able to generate feelings of trust.
The treatment of this disorder is very sensitive and may take a long period of time, depending on how receptive the adult is to this kind of therapy. To be able to confront the fact that one is suffering from this disorder is itself a very challenging task. As such, therapy, along with the love and support of someone close to the sufferer, will adequately help in treating attachment disorder in adults.
Unfortunately the treatment I need for attachment disorder is almost unavailable, and so my life will continue to be hurt and hurting indefinitely. Unless someone somewhere can find a miracle solution.
I am almost able to get EMDR (trauma therapy) now, it my life was not in such severe crisis. But in actual fact, if I was more ordered in attachment and emotion then that would immediately make my life less harmful to myself and others.
So if you have any suggestions, please contact me.
If you look at the second article about attachment: attachment Therapy, it describes types of attachment disorder. I am on the Avoidant Spectrum with a bit of Ambivelance, which clashes and merges with the Autistic Spectrum, but I believe it can all be treated together in Therapy.
This is the Avoidant Attachment Disorder:
AVOIDANT
- Intense anger and loss
- Hostile
- Critical of others
- Sensitive to blame
- Lack of empathy
- Views others as untrustworthy
- Views others as undependable
- Views self as unlovable or "too good" for others
- Relationships feel either threatening to one's sense of control, not worth the effort, or both
- Compulsive self-reliance
- Passive withdrawal
- Low levels of perceived support
Difficulty getting along with co-workers, often preferring to work alone - Work may provide a good excuse to avoid personal relations
- Fear of closeness in relationships
- Avoidance of intimacy
- Unlikely to idealize the love relationship
- Tendency toward Introjective depression (self critical)
I have become increasingly and severely afraid of help and intervention since the Diocesan actions against me as I am terrified of being helpless at their hands again.
Good morning, terrified and fearful
Good morning.
Hopelessness continues.
The complexity of people going behind my back and trying to make life decisions for me against my will, and my reaction has been severe and I am tired and shaky all the time.
My mediator and a friend of his called Julie, contacted someone representing the church of england about me, and apparently made arrangements about me without my input or consent, at the same time as the Diocese of Winchester started threatening my life and liberty again.
The Diocese of Winchester have refused my complaint and harmed me badly and constantly and have no right to a say in my life at all. I am living in terror of them forcing on me and knowing I am open and vulnerable to attacks by them and the police, I am defenceless and have managed to make myself very vulnerable both by letting my location be known and by allowing another disasterous pastoral care relationship to rock my life.
I remember how my parents used to say that spirits and demons were responsible for bad things, especially bad things by authorities, and so, to amuse myself in the early hours as I no longer sleep properly, I looked up spirits, guardians, and powers behind the Diocese of Winchester, I found St. Swithun and that is all, I do not think he is responsible for this almighty horror, and I rarely pray to Saints as it is not appropriate, but I prayed that he would intercede in this injustice and do a miracle like he did with the basket of eggs.
I think the sheer force of the Diocese and the sheer injustice can only be Satan's work.
My side is drowned out and I am villified with my side of my reactions not being heard.
Hopelessness continues.
The complexity of people going behind my back and trying to make life decisions for me against my will, and my reaction has been severe and I am tired and shaky all the time.
My mediator and a friend of his called Julie, contacted someone representing the church of england about me, and apparently made arrangements about me without my input or consent, at the same time as the Diocese of Winchester started threatening my life and liberty again.
The Diocese of Winchester have refused my complaint and harmed me badly and constantly and have no right to a say in my life at all. I am living in terror of them forcing on me and knowing I am open and vulnerable to attacks by them and the police, I am defenceless and have managed to make myself very vulnerable both by letting my location be known and by allowing another disasterous pastoral care relationship to rock my life.
I remember how my parents used to say that spirits and demons were responsible for bad things, especially bad things by authorities, and so, to amuse myself in the early hours as I no longer sleep properly, I looked up spirits, guardians, and powers behind the Diocese of Winchester, I found St. Swithun and that is all, I do not think he is responsible for this almighty horror, and I rarely pray to Saints as it is not appropriate, but I prayed that he would intercede in this injustice and do a miracle like he did with the basket of eggs.
I think the sheer force of the Diocese and the sheer injustice can only be Satan's work.
My side is drowned out and I am villified with my side of my reactions not being heard.
Wednesday 20 November 2013
For a limited time only -here is my psychological report from a few months ago, it seems to rile my destroyers so I will post it for a few days
12th July 2013
TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN
Re: J. H
(Dob)
I am a clinical psychologist and work for the NHS and I am also an associate of ********* ***** in that capacity. I have worked as a psychologist for twenty years.
J. H. came to ********* ****** in January this year requesting help to understand and more effectively manage her emotions, in order to improve her relationships. J. also wanted to reassure herself that she is not “mad”. I believe the latter concern has followed both as a consequence of the traumas she has experienced and because of others’ reportedly malign attitudes towards her following these experiences. I have met J. a number of times over this period, and she has talked to me about her very troubled upbringing as well as the difficulties she has faced since then.
J. talked about her family in which she is one of fifteen siblings all brought up by their biological parents. J. described her father as authoritative, punitive and sometimes physically abusive. For example, J. recounted that she had only attended school for two terms when she was about eight years old and she was largely home-taught by her father. J. stated that her father used to beat her for not doing well at maths. J. said that she later discovered that she had a specific learning difficulty with mathematics (dyscalculia). Despite this poor educational experience, J. observed that at 14 she bought her own books from money she earned from paper rounds and taught herself. J. attained five GCSEs at age 16 and a further two since then. J. later went to a careers advisor who suggested that she take up a course in horticulture and agriculture.
J. further observed that she felt that although her father could not cope well with the demands of life he was better at seeing to the children’s needs than her mother who she described as more often ill or too “obsessed” by concerns outside the family to be emotionally and practically accessible to her children. For example, J. noted that her mother would be involved with Court cases and quarrels with the neighbours. In this context, J. recounted that the family sometimes lived in hostels for the homeless, at times in council housing. J. recounted that her family was seen in the eyes of others as the “the family from hell”, and often targeted by the neighbours in some communities including having fireworks put in the letter box, and in which communities gang violence was prevalent. Overall, J.’s account was of an extremely unstable and disrupted home life. J. noted that she experienced extreme emotional distress when she was 12 years old.
J. further described her parents as having rigidly held, extreme beliefs about the educational establishment and the medical profession, noting that her parents distrusted doctors and midwives. For example, J. noted that her mother did not call an ambulance when her father was critically ill because the “hospital would try to kill him”, and that doctors could be “practising warlocks”. These paranoid beliefs resulted in the children being raised in an insular, cultish atmosphere in which J. and her siblings were “terrified” to refute such beliefs.
This brief description alone would be sufficient to suggest that J. might develop significant emotional problems arising from disrupted attachments to parents, and an overall parental inadequacy in providing a nurturing environment. In the absence of protective factors, for example, at least one significant nurturing adult, these experiences are likely to lead to later difficulties in relationships.
J. left home when she was 17, with the idea of seeking a “normal” life. She has not since returned and she noted that her father died a few years ago. J. attended college where she met a counsellor who was also a Vicar of the local church in the Winchester diocese. J. initially found the counsellor helpful but that this person had crossed her professional boundaries in her role as counsellor. J. apparently reminded the counsellor of one of her own family members and the counsellor befriended her rather than maintaining a professional relationship. J. stated that the counsellor, being also a vicar, encouraged J. to join the church, which J. did. J. recounted that between 19 and 20 years old the Vicar’s husband sexually abused her. J. noted that the Vicar did not believe that this had happened. Since then J. has experienced the secondary trauma of not only being disbelieved but accused by Church officials of being “mad”. J.’s efforts to have her complaint upheld have resulted, she said, in being unjustly incarcerated by the police for “harassing” the church. J. noted that she was also physically assaulted by police officers during this episode. J. recounted her experience of being sexually abused in Jersey when she was 26 years old. J.’s story is one in which repeated efforts to be heard have fallen on deaf ears. J. noted that she had once attempted suicide but has not done since. J. described herself as fit and strong before becoming homeless and had enjoyed life. J. has since been struggling to overcome both the trauma of sexual abuse and the negative impact of not having her voice heard by officials, an issue well documented in other such cases.
In relation to the traumas J. has experienced flashbacks and nightmares, and avoids people other than friends whom she knows to be trustworthy; she experiences high levels of anxiety when thinking of these issues, very noticeable in sessions with J.. J. has interpreted her anger as problematic yet these feelings are to be understood in the context of the abuse she has suffered and are well documented in the experiences of post traumatic stress. J. shows some insight into the difficulties with her relationships and her feelings and has tried assiduously both to understand her experiences and to improve herself from these. Despite her parents’ distrust of doctors and her learnt discomfort with them, J. sought medical help and was diagnosed with Aspergers syndrome when she was 25. One of the key issues experienced by people with this condition is some difficulty in relating to others. For example, it is often not easy for people with Aspergers to understand the intentions or motives of others. J. noted that she becomes anxious about others’ views of her, but this is hardly surprising in the light of her having internalised so many negative views of herself both from her early family experiences and by the perpetrators of the sexual abuse she has experienced, and those who have reportedly refused her justice.
In my opinion, J. is suffering from post-traumatic stress brought about by sexual abuse and exacerbated by the responses she has experienced from the Church in her attempts to seek justice.
J. has a history of depression arising from this and has difficulty sustaining relationships, although she has a few understanding friends. J.’s experiences have been and continue to be further compounded by the limits imposed by Aspergers on her social communication skills, making her very vulnerable to exploitation by others. Such potential exploitation and abuse may be facilitated by J.’s already fragile sense of self. Despite these significant difficulties J. evidently displays strength and tenacity in trying to overcome the impact of her past experiences. Her desire to come to terms with the past and to improve her life says more about her “normality” than anything else. I believe that J. will need a lot of further support in her endeavours to achieve these outcomes.
Please do not hesitate to contact me should you require any further information.
TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN
Re: J. H
(Dob)
I am a clinical psychologist and work for the NHS and I am also an associate of ********* ***** in that capacity. I have worked as a psychologist for twenty years.
J. H. came to ********* ****** in January this year requesting help to understand and more effectively manage her emotions, in order to improve her relationships. J. also wanted to reassure herself that she is not “mad”. I believe the latter concern has followed both as a consequence of the traumas she has experienced and because of others’ reportedly malign attitudes towards her following these experiences. I have met J. a number of times over this period, and she has talked to me about her very troubled upbringing as well as the difficulties she has faced since then.
J. talked about her family in which she is one of fifteen siblings all brought up by their biological parents. J. described her father as authoritative, punitive and sometimes physically abusive. For example, J. recounted that she had only attended school for two terms when she was about eight years old and she was largely home-taught by her father. J. stated that her father used to beat her for not doing well at maths. J. said that she later discovered that she had a specific learning difficulty with mathematics (dyscalculia). Despite this poor educational experience, J. observed that at 14 she bought her own books from money she earned from paper rounds and taught herself. J. attained five GCSEs at age 16 and a further two since then. J. later went to a careers advisor who suggested that she take up a course in horticulture and agriculture.
J. further observed that she felt that although her father could not cope well with the demands of life he was better at seeing to the children’s needs than her mother who she described as more often ill or too “obsessed” by concerns outside the family to be emotionally and practically accessible to her children. For example, J. noted that her mother would be involved with Court cases and quarrels with the neighbours. In this context, J. recounted that the family sometimes lived in hostels for the homeless, at times in council housing. J. recounted that her family was seen in the eyes of others as the “the family from hell”, and often targeted by the neighbours in some communities including having fireworks put in the letter box, and in which communities gang violence was prevalent. Overall, J.’s account was of an extremely unstable and disrupted home life. J. noted that she experienced extreme emotional distress when she was 12 years old.
J. further described her parents as having rigidly held, extreme beliefs about the educational establishment and the medical profession, noting that her parents distrusted doctors and midwives. For example, J. noted that her mother did not call an ambulance when her father was critically ill because the “hospital would try to kill him”, and that doctors could be “practising warlocks”. These paranoid beliefs resulted in the children being raised in an insular, cultish atmosphere in which J. and her siblings were “terrified” to refute such beliefs.
This brief description alone would be sufficient to suggest that J. might develop significant emotional problems arising from disrupted attachments to parents, and an overall parental inadequacy in providing a nurturing environment. In the absence of protective factors, for example, at least one significant nurturing adult, these experiences are likely to lead to later difficulties in relationships.
J. left home when she was 17, with the idea of seeking a “normal” life. She has not since returned and she noted that her father died a few years ago. J. attended college where she met a counsellor who was also a Vicar of the local church in the Winchester diocese. J. initially found the counsellor helpful but that this person had crossed her professional boundaries in her role as counsellor. J. apparently reminded the counsellor of one of her own family members and the counsellor befriended her rather than maintaining a professional relationship. J. stated that the counsellor, being also a vicar, encouraged J. to join the church, which J. did. J. recounted that between 19 and 20 years old the Vicar’s husband sexually abused her. J. noted that the Vicar did not believe that this had happened. Since then J. has experienced the secondary trauma of not only being disbelieved but accused by Church officials of being “mad”. J.’s efforts to have her complaint upheld have resulted, she said, in being unjustly incarcerated by the police for “harassing” the church. J. noted that she was also physically assaulted by police officers during this episode. J. recounted her experience of being sexually abused in Jersey when she was 26 years old. J.’s story is one in which repeated efforts to be heard have fallen on deaf ears. J. noted that she had once attempted suicide but has not done since. J. described herself as fit and strong before becoming homeless and had enjoyed life. J. has since been struggling to overcome both the trauma of sexual abuse and the negative impact of not having her voice heard by officials, an issue well documented in other such cases.
In relation to the traumas J. has experienced flashbacks and nightmares, and avoids people other than friends whom she knows to be trustworthy; she experiences high levels of anxiety when thinking of these issues, very noticeable in sessions with J.. J. has interpreted her anger as problematic yet these feelings are to be understood in the context of the abuse she has suffered and are well documented in the experiences of post traumatic stress. J. shows some insight into the difficulties with her relationships and her feelings and has tried assiduously both to understand her experiences and to improve herself from these. Despite her parents’ distrust of doctors and her learnt discomfort with them, J. sought medical help and was diagnosed with Aspergers syndrome when she was 25. One of the key issues experienced by people with this condition is some difficulty in relating to others. For example, it is often not easy for people with Aspergers to understand the intentions or motives of others. J. noted that she becomes anxious about others’ views of her, but this is hardly surprising in the light of her having internalised so many negative views of herself both from her early family experiences and by the perpetrators of the sexual abuse she has experienced, and those who have reportedly refused her justice.
In my opinion, J. is suffering from post-traumatic stress brought about by sexual abuse and exacerbated by the responses she has experienced from the Church in her attempts to seek justice.
J. has a history of depression arising from this and has difficulty sustaining relationships, although she has a few understanding friends. J.’s experiences have been and continue to be further compounded by the limits imposed by Aspergers on her social communication skills, making her very vulnerable to exploitation by others. Such potential exploitation and abuse may be facilitated by J.’s already fragile sense of self. Despite these significant difficulties J. evidently displays strength and tenacity in trying to overcome the impact of her past experiences. Her desire to come to terms with the past and to improve her life says more about her “normality” than anything else. I believe that J. will need a lot of further support in her endeavours to achieve these outcomes.
Please do not hesitate to contact me should you require any further information.
Precis/overview part 1. How I ended up destroyed by the Church of England
I am 32 years old and have Asperger Syndrome or High Functioning Autism, Behavioural/Attachment Disorder and Post Traumatic Stress.
I am from a family of 15 siblings who grew up in a travelling cult environment and never knew a settled home in any way, shape or form.
Due to the upbringing I had, I did not go to school or see a doctor as these things were against my parents' beliefs, so my autistic spectrum condition went unnoticed, especially as most of my family were apparently on the spectrum, including my Dad and we were a closed religious family, like a cult.
There was no good side to my upbringing, with the family being unsettled and in poverty and living in unsuitable places, squats and hostels, and people outside the family despising us for being different and antisocial. We suffered a lot of violence and hardship. I grew up in a volatile and unsettled world and never received the help I needed.
Aged 12 I had a breakdown after severe gang violence against my family and I never fully recovered, I theorize and therapy professionals have endorsed this, that my brain temporarily stopped developing at this point and neural pathways disconnected. Which may be why I am childlike but my mental age is possibly normal.
But aged 12 I did not get the help that I then urgently needed, because my family remained closed and unaware of my need for help, or their need for help. I believe I should have been removed from my family at this point because the lack of urgent therapeutic treatment and help was a form of neglect, and the situation that my family was in was dangerous and I suffered physical injuries as well as mental ones.
From that time onwards I increasingly lost my ability to speak and interact and was silent most of the time. The full horror of what happened when I was 12 isn't to be explained here but it has damaged me for life.
Aged 13 and onwards life didn't improve much, with a move from the dangerous council estate to a year in a homeless hostel and then my remaining years with my family spent in houses in ghetto areas where gun, drug and knife crime were normal. There was no end to violence and instability in my family's life from when I was a young child to when I left my family.
I made my escape from my family aged 17, having never known 'normality' as most young people would see it, I had not been to school, seen a doctor, apart from a police doctor and a social services prevention, I had never been on holiday, I had never known anything except the closed strictly religious family and the violence and unsettled travelling life, I did not know about clothes, makeup, parties or anything that girls my age normally knew about. I had never even had a proper haircut.
But worst of all, my level of communication and ability to process what was said to me was very very poor, my interaction and understanding of the real world were both very poor.
I was undiagnosed, not aware that I was on the autistic spectrum and not aware that I had learning difficulties, psychological damage, behavioural/attachment disorder and Post Traumatic Stress. and nor was anyone around me aware of what was wrong, so I was misunderstood and treated as awkward.
The world of neglect and ghettos I left was very different from the world I came to in Hampshire, in the wealthy Winchester district, which was completely alien to me after years of ghettos and council estates and homeless hostels and squats.
It was inevitable that I would be misunderstood and would not be able to explain myself.
Within weeks of moving to Hampshire and starting College aged 17, I realised I was not able to fit in, understand or be understood, and this made me very anxious. The situation was a whole life adjustment, and I was at a disadvantage from day one and could not explain to anyone, indeed I did not know, what was wrong.
My lack of speech angered people, because they knew I could speak, but the thing was, and I could not explain, I did not know what to say and did not understand most of what was said to me, so by the time I had deciphered what was said, it was too late for me to reply. My voice was not under my control and I would physically not be able to speak when I tried sometimes.
I was also always afraid, ducking and cringing, which also annoyed people.
I was in a large group on my course, but, because it was a male-dominated industry, I was the only female, which, in the state I was in, was also not the best start into independent adult life, and I was bullied and sexually harassed, to which I responded with a vicious fear that came from my upbringing and surprised the young Hampshire lads who were from stable homes and obviously did not expect my anger.
Despite my continuing problems, I managed the academic work at college reasonably well, but was terrified of college itself, because of the crowds, the noise, and the open space of the country campus after years in the city ghettos.The whole new life was terrifying and I was also in constant fear of losing this new life and having to return to the ghetto where there were simply no prospects for me.
But of course I did not know what was wrong, what was causing my fear and had no way of explaining myself, so the staff would get irritated with me for always being alone and away from the noise and bustle of the student areas and sitting alone on the wall of the staff car park, because I felt a bit safer with the staff than I did with the students.
I am from a family of 15 siblings who grew up in a travelling cult environment and never knew a settled home in any way, shape or form.
Due to the upbringing I had, I did not go to school or see a doctor as these things were against my parents' beliefs, so my autistic spectrum condition went unnoticed, especially as most of my family were apparently on the spectrum, including my Dad and we were a closed religious family, like a cult.
There was no good side to my upbringing, with the family being unsettled and in poverty and living in unsuitable places, squats and hostels, and people outside the family despising us for being different and antisocial. We suffered a lot of violence and hardship. I grew up in a volatile and unsettled world and never received the help I needed.
Aged 12 I had a breakdown after severe gang violence against my family and I never fully recovered, I theorize and therapy professionals have endorsed this, that my brain temporarily stopped developing at this point and neural pathways disconnected. Which may be why I am childlike but my mental age is possibly normal.
But aged 12 I did not get the help that I then urgently needed, because my family remained closed and unaware of my need for help, or their need for help. I believe I should have been removed from my family at this point because the lack of urgent therapeutic treatment and help was a form of neglect, and the situation that my family was in was dangerous and I suffered physical injuries as well as mental ones.
From that time onwards I increasingly lost my ability to speak and interact and was silent most of the time. The full horror of what happened when I was 12 isn't to be explained here but it has damaged me for life.
Aged 13 and onwards life didn't improve much, with a move from the dangerous council estate to a year in a homeless hostel and then my remaining years with my family spent in houses in ghetto areas where gun, drug and knife crime were normal. There was no end to violence and instability in my family's life from when I was a young child to when I left my family.
I made my escape from my family aged 17, having never known 'normality' as most young people would see it, I had not been to school, seen a doctor, apart from a police doctor and a social services prevention, I had never been on holiday, I had never known anything except the closed strictly religious family and the violence and unsettled travelling life, I did not know about clothes, makeup, parties or anything that girls my age normally knew about. I had never even had a proper haircut.
But worst of all, my level of communication and ability to process what was said to me was very very poor, my interaction and understanding of the real world were both very poor.
I was undiagnosed, not aware that I was on the autistic spectrum and not aware that I had learning difficulties, psychological damage, behavioural/attachment disorder and Post Traumatic Stress. and nor was anyone around me aware of what was wrong, so I was misunderstood and treated as awkward.
The world of neglect and ghettos I left was very different from the world I came to in Hampshire, in the wealthy Winchester district, which was completely alien to me after years of ghettos and council estates and homeless hostels and squats.
It was inevitable that I would be misunderstood and would not be able to explain myself.
Within weeks of moving to Hampshire and starting College aged 17, I realised I was not able to fit in, understand or be understood, and this made me very anxious. The situation was a whole life adjustment, and I was at a disadvantage from day one and could not explain to anyone, indeed I did not know, what was wrong.
My lack of speech angered people, because they knew I could speak, but the thing was, and I could not explain, I did not know what to say and did not understand most of what was said to me, so by the time I had deciphered what was said, it was too late for me to reply. My voice was not under my control and I would physically not be able to speak when I tried sometimes.
I was also always afraid, ducking and cringing, which also annoyed people.
I was in a large group on my course, but, because it was a male-dominated industry, I was the only female, which, in the state I was in, was also not the best start into independent adult life, and I was bullied and sexually harassed, to which I responded with a vicious fear that came from my upbringing and surprised the young Hampshire lads who were from stable homes and obviously did not expect my anger.
Despite my continuing problems, I managed the academic work at college reasonably well, but was terrified of college itself, because of the crowds, the noise, and the open space of the country campus after years in the city ghettos.The whole new life was terrifying and I was also in constant fear of losing this new life and having to return to the ghetto where there were simply no prospects for me.
But of course I did not know what was wrong, what was causing my fear and had no way of explaining myself, so the staff would get irritated with me for always being alone and away from the noise and bustle of the student areas and sitting alone on the wall of the staff car park, because I felt a bit safer with the staff than I did with the students.
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