Thursday, 21 November 2013

My biggest and incurable problem, which is a crime to the Church of England, a background of attachment disorder

The origins of my attachment disorder, isolation, anger and lack of trust:

The link below is a good link but please also read the rest of the post. The link below shows why I have spent my adulthood struggling, and only found out in the past year. I did not receive any assessment when I was a child and by the time I was an adult, not only was the damage done, but what was wrong was overlooked and my efforts to get help were futile, because I didn't know what was wrong, and neither did anyone else. Attachment disorder is scarcely understood or diagnosed, especially not in adults.
As a child I didn't go to school, have a doctor or see a psychologist. So I was not aware of what was wrong with me.
This is the best descriptive article I can find, but the help I need remains unavailable.

Here is another website, treatment is expensive, scarce and barely available in the UK. Dangerous forms of attachment therapy used to be inflicted on children and gave attachment therapy bad press, but by the time someone is my age and severely damaged, what can be done, homeless and on the run from the diocese and feeling like I carry everyone's sins as well as mine, what can be done? If anyone reading this can help in any way, I am desparate for help, in order to stop hurting myself and others.

Let me try to explain me:

My upbringing was unsettled, with no safety, my parents were unable to keep us safe from harm and we knew no settled and safe place, and because I am also on the autism spectrum, I needed a settled and safe environment.
My mother had my sister a year before she had me, she then had my brothers a year later. She was ill physically and mentally and though she did things like washing, cooking and ironing when she was not too unwell, she was not there for us emotionally, and while I was quite young she was also away in hospital for a long time after the birth of my younger sister, and I did not know, nor could anyone tell me, if she was coming home. I did not bond with my mother and have never felt love or attachment for her, she was, throughout my childhood and adulthood, unstable and delusional , to worrying degrees. I am not blaming her, and I feel no emnity towards her. The last I heard of my mother was a saga where she was threatening to kill herself and my younger sister who was 14 at the time. And all the time I had contact with my mother, I was highly anxious because she was so unpredictable.
Both times my dad had strokes, the second of which killed him, my Mum left him unconscious and did not call an ambulance.
She is reputed to have left me unconscious with head injuries several times as a child, which may also have contributed to my problems, but that is hearsay. Enough witnesses say I was unconscious with head injuries several times and that I got no medical help though.
So that is my Mum, I am not intending to malign her, I feel sad for her, I guess.  But as a result of the issues I did not bond with her or see her as a safe caregiver.

My Dad was quite different, he was on the autism spectrum and was not an affectionate man, although he learned to hug us in the end, he was a paradox, violently punishing us and terrifyingly angry at times, but also he was often the main carer, making sure we ate and washed and did our lessons. But both the severe physical punishments and shouting, and the fact that my parents led us through constant danger and distress meant that again, I did not bond.
I missed out on the last years of my parents' life, when they were more settled, calmer and my dad was much more amiable, but my mum continued to have untreated psychiatric problems, and I missed out because I had moved away and remained afraid of them and afraid of being drawn back into the closed family, although they were not as closed as they used to be, my fear remained.

But, as a result of the problems my parents and thus the family faced, and the lack of outside input or support and the lack of diagnosis and treatment for my autism and my parents' problems.
I did not attach properly, and grew up not attached but just being in my family. I was also sexually abused when I was young, and my family faced constant hostility for being the large, antisocial noisy, messy closed family that they were.
And so I learned to be fearful and angry, not socialized through school or outside activities and thus not learning the social norms.
My anger and detachedness grew and after severe violence aged 12 left me with a breakdown and permenant psychological scarring, I was in a bad way when I left home five lonely and violent years later, barely able to communicate and very fearful.

Very soon after leaving my family, I was deeply affected by a programme to do with a confident young lad who moved to a bad area and was bullied at his new school until he tried to commit suicide and ended up in a psychiatric unit.
I had always repressed my past and it was then I realised just how bad things had been. But I was still very much under my parents' influence on the cult side of things, and I remember one evening at college I was terrified by my mother telling me that there was going to be a Jihad by the muslims and all of us Jews would be killed, I was hysterical and terrified, and this was not the first time I had been told such damaging and dangerous things, and such was my autism and mindset from growing up with all this that I believed it.

But I was also seeing a new way of life, outside my parents' influence and a life where people were peaceful, friendly and knew how to greet each other, I still hadn't even grasped the basics of greeting people.

Anyway, I sought help as best I knew how, I asked to see the college counsellor, and my Mum was very scathing indeed when she heard, and such was her influence that I doubted myself, but I presisted.
Unfortunately the counsellor was not very skilled and thought I was there because of rape trauma, and built a story for me himself, which is not good practice, but I had no communication skills and could not work with him, and it was an unqualified disaster. The poor man was only basically trained and was not geared up to the complexity of my upbringing or the level of disorder I suffered.

I transferred from seeing him to seeing another college counsellor, Juliet Montague, who was also the local Vicar, and who said I was identical to the stepdaughter she had had to give up because her angry and jealous husband had made her choose between him and the stepdaughter.
So instead of counselling me, she started taking me home, immediately breaking professional counselling boundaries and also Church of England Safeguarding Rules. Although I had no understanding of this.

Juliet took over my life, had me placed in an unsuitable and dangerous work placement without discussing the terms with me properly or making sure I agreed or was happy, and a lot of distress and also damage to my physical health occured as a result. I was left alone or with strange men on  a farm not geared up to an inexperienced student, nor one with the problems I had, and I was treated like a slave in bad conditions and this did nothing for my self-esteem, on top of being routinely misunderstood at college, where my undiagnosed conditions of autism, trauma and attachment disorder  made it look as if I was being awkward or mentally ill.

I think that even aged 19, if I had been able to get the right help and hadn't been brought into Juliet's troubled family as a replacement for my own, then I may have had a slightly better chance at life.
As it was, Juliet took me home, and my illusion of English country parsons and their serene families was shattered. Juliet's family constantly fought, especially Juliet's mother and her husband, Fred, I soon learned that Fred's daughter had had a terrible childhood and had ended up with a personality disorder and severe psychiatric problems, Juliet had met the daughter when she was 15 and Juliet was going out with Fred while he was still married to his first wife but the marriage was in ruins, because of Fred's temper and And Juliet attempted and failed to 'love   Fred's daughter better', but failed, and was forced to abandon her after fights between Fred and his daughter, who accused him of sexual abuse, and fights between Juliet and Fred over the daughter.

I, as the very image of this stepdaughter, was taken from being counselled at college by Juliet, to being part of her family, bearing the violent rows of Juliet's mother and Fred, and also facing Fred's anger regularly, which, as you can imagine, did not help my already ingrained and increasingly severe behavioural and attachment disorders. I was also now without a counsellor at all, but at the time, after seeing a doctor regularly, who diagnosed me vaguely with depression, was on anti-depressants, and not aware of how severely the side effects were on me.
This is when Fred Montague stopped shouting at me so much and decided to be loving, but not in a proper way.
He was trying to have a sexual relationship with me.
So, aged 20, I was being abused, in a situation where I should have been receiving counselling, and was now a square peg in a round hole in Juliet's family, I was being abused.

Juliet's mother was ambivalent towards me, alternatively feeling sorry for me and being kind, thinking I was like Norma, a prostitute Juliet had rescued and taken home previously, or saying I was like Sally, Juliet's step-daughter, or saying I was a user and out for what I could get, which astonished me as I asked for nothing and went along with Juliet's wishes for my life, which included Juliet blocking me from being assessed and diagnosed when I realised I was probably on the autism spectrum. Juliet was very much in control of me and crossed many boundaries for a number of years, which has also aggravated my conditions and prevented me getting help.

Juliet's Father was always in agreement with whoever spoke to him, liking an easy life, but when he saw Fred pulling me onto his knees early on, he told Fred in no uncertain terms that this was not appropriate, for which I salute him, Fred did not see me as a replacement for his daughter, but when Juliet called me hwer surrogate daughter, I went along with that, and Fred said that made him my father and he used this as the reason to pull me to his knees. After Juliet's dad saw that and reproached him, he never did that particular thing again.

Juliet's sister was also ambivelent, and she and her mum and Juliet were very judgemental of the world, the government and anyone in the newspapers, and they could be very judgemental of me, calling me 'strange' etc, and so on, within my hearing, although my hearing used to be too sharp.

So, as I said, my illusions of happy Christian Pastor's families was shattered, and I realised this family was quite dysfunctional.

Even more so when the abuse came to light and I was blamed for it, Juliet was working very long hours, overloaded with work and both she and Fred were very critical of Wolvsley and the Diocese for overloading Juliet to the point where she was trying to get to all her churches on a Sunday and was worn out. So I was often left alone in the house with Fred, as Juliet's parents spent long hours dozing or watching television, and they liked their space.
So I was alone with Fred, I had nowhere to go and was messed up by antidepressants, I wont describe here what Fred was doing, but I can say it was abuse, because he took advantage of my vulnerable state and my fear of his temper, and he knew what he was doing.

But when it was first realised, Juliet's mum hit the roof and blamed me, as did Juliet's sister, neither of whom understood me, and they raged about me and cursed me, and I went through what sadly a majority of victims do go through, denial and blame.
But they did also rage about Fred and talk about 'what he did to his daughter', which was alledgedly the same as what he did to me, although Juliet denied it.

Anyway, this all died down but Juliet, after first saying she believed me and that Fred's daughter had also been abused, and telling me very personal sexual details of her relationship with Fred, started to deny it and say I had 'seduced him' and I was a 'seductive child abuse victim' and it was 'six of one and half a dozen of the other', she never reported it to the diocese, neither did the other people in the Parish who I told.

So, I was now aged 20, and had only know dysfunctional and abusive and angry families, how was I to learn to behave properly? How was I to learn normal trusting and boundaried attachment if even Juliet could not keep the boundaries correct from the start? And I was carrying the burden of guilt and shame now, while I moved into a volatile and badly supervised sheltered house, from which I did not benefit, and Fred returned to his violent temper.
And ceased the abuse, apart from a few isolated incidents, these mainly when Juliet got him to collect or drive me to places usually to do with me assisting or accompanying her in her work, which i did as a matter of routine for some years. And she got Fred to drive me to places, including my house, where an incident occured, despite him abusing me previously and her blaming me! This remains incredible, and yet the diocese, who have villified me and never dealt with this have never even questioned this!

Anyway, as I grew away from Juliet and into adult life, I remained part of her churches, and spent many many hours doing duties for her churches and in her community, but she frequently caused issues by not passing messages to me from church members, and by intervening in my personal life and employment by contacting my employers and friends about me without my permission and passing on a negative and unhelpful view of me, for which I got angry, and it caused increase in my outbursts of temper and insecurity.
Juliet and I were friends, I grew out of her being my mother, which had been her suggestion. But this was not a healthy bond and her interventions led to me being further damaged and unable to trust.

I started seeking help for myself by the time I was 20, begging the doctor for answers and never getting any because he did not have time nor understanding of what was wrong.
And I also explored autism and how to get help and diagnosis, although for years there was no way of getting diagnosis in Hampshire, but, because no help was available on the NHS, for anything, I started paying £40 a session to see a behavioural therapist, which I could not really afford to keep up, because I was only on income support and had to make rent contributions and pay my living costs as well.

Since college and not benefitting from counselling, I had started extensively using self-help books, tapes and programmes, and though Juliet was scornful sometimes, I did benefit, although a lot of these programmes were for working people to improve their careers and aligability, I used them to improve my social and communication skills, there are no books aimed at someone coming from a background like mine and having no understanding of social norms, but I did my best with what I could get. I learned to greet people, to look at people and to smile, I learned a lot of social tricks and I learned about self-esteem and affirmations and how to be eager to work and help people and how to be proactive, it did change me and help me, but it didn't cure me.

Aged 21 and living independently for the first time, I was still very isolated, depressed, fearful and traumatized, but this was when I challenged my parent's influence over me for the first time and terrified, temporarily cut them out of my life, such was the weight of their influence I was afraid of God's wrath for doing this.
I was now on my own in the world, and mentally I was not 21, but much younger.
Juliet continued to be involved and continued to cross boundaries, and she also continued to dismiss my concerns for assessment and dioagnosis, telling me that what I thought was autism was me 'acting up' and that my physical problems were all 'psychosomatic', this was harmful because it meant that I felt invalidated and did not dare seek diagnosis, and having doctors who were busy and always running  late did not help, so I endured conditions that affected my life and should have been diagnosed and treated.

I developed in my work life and social life, although my closest friends were generally older people in Juliet's churches, because I was completely lacking common ground with people my own age, I only had basic clothes, did not drink or party, did not really know or understand about people my age.
But my friendships were generally rewarding and loving, and I helped my friends with many church and community projects.
One friendship developed between me and a couple who both had a number of physical and mental health issues as well as family problems, and they got deeply involved in my life, and the more they got involved, the worse things got, which was the first real indicator of my attachment disorder, and also, I am told, a typical problem where people with problems get very involved with another person with problems as a panacea to their own problems.
Anyway, it was a damaging friendship among some quite good friendships, and it sapped my self-esteem, but the positive side of that negative relationship was that this couple just loved to diagnose things, and they wanted all my problems diagnosed. Which helped towards getting my AS diagnosed, at last.

By the time I was 24, I was on the waiting list for autism spectrum assesments in London, and the couple described above were going to go with me. I was also going to be moving to a new home and job. And this time, after all Juliet's disasterous interventions in my personal and work life, I did not let her know where I was to be working or living.

And after not seeing Juliet for months because I had disagreed with her interventions behind my back and her blame of me for what Fred did. I went to see her and she asked me if I would go to New Zealand with her! After months of no speaking because of her interventions and blame of me, she wanted to take me to the other side of the world?
Initially I was actually for once in my life assertive, and said no, we had too many problems, I am still amazed because even now I am not assertive I am fearful or aggressive, but anyway, Juliet said I should think about it, and I asked her if she would come and meet with me about our problems. And she did, and she still blamed me for Fred.

Lizzie, who had become my counsellor in the meantime, told me that Fred was a married man who was not vulnerable and even if I had made advances, he was responsible for saying no.
Lizzie was the first person who had ever explained to me that sexual abuse is not the victim's fault, and I had  been living shamed by it for so long.
But anyway, I went to New Zealand with Juliet despite our differences, and, bearing in mind I had only ever been to Ireland before, no further, I was petrified, and Juliet kept doing as she did, misrepresenting me and telling people I was 'acting out' when I was afraid and had migraines.
Do the Diocese not wonder why, if I am supposed to have been such a bad person, Juliet took me to New Zealand for three weeks, in another of a very very long line of professional and church boundary violations.

I was diagnosed as AS, and the hospital where I was diagnosed did a list of recommendations for my care and support, but unfortunately the help I needed was virtually unavailable, they reccomended further tests and brain scans, but I do not know that the tests were ever carried out, and I never knew the results of the brain scans, and I would like to, to resolve for good my question of if brain damage is making my condition worse, as I did take three severe blows to the head by the time I was four years old.

Anyway, I was referred to psychiatry, but I wasn't very talkative, so I am not sure they knew what to do with me, and I am not sure how they could have helped me. The behavioural help I needed was not available, and I was offered some day-courses in anxiety and anger management but didn't find these very insightful.
I contacted the National Autistic society because no behavioural or anger help was available on the NHS, (although back then I was not angry the way I am now, just the occasional flash of fury), the National Autistic Society sent me a list of behavioural therapists but there were none in Hampshire, they were in Sussex, Surrey and Dorset, and even then I looked at the costs and travelling, but I wasn't earning well, couldn't budget well, was getting into debt and realised it was an impossibility.
My friendship with the couple who had helped me get to diagnosis, broke down as their friend, a youth leader from church was arrested for child abuse, and when I spoke to Juliet about it in distress as i had worked with this man a lot, she said that he was just a victim himself and I would be judged the same as him by God.
I have lived with that wound a long time and it was violently made worse by an inaccurate depiction of it in the Korris report.

I continued to see Lizzie for counselling, she was a private counsellor who kindly saw me at a reduced rate, Lizzie is the only counsellor who has been able to work with me, I lack the skill to bond and interact with a counsellor normally and find having to talk, especially about emotions, excruciating. But Lizzie worked with me through art - clay, plasticine, paints and pencils, we worked through things that way and as we did, my ability to speak increased dramatically, Lizzie said this was because neural pathways were connecting where they had been disconnected due to trauma.
Lizzie worked successfully with me for two years and profoundly helped me before she retired and I went to college. She has been the single most succesful form of help I have had.

In the meantime in my new village, a church couple got involved with me, and they were a lot like the couple who had such complex problems who got involved with me before, only this new couple were quite posh, like everyone to know how comfortable and privilaged their family were and about everything they had and did, and this couple were extreme evangelical, a new thing to me, as I was used to much more middle of the road church.

Anyway, this couple, when I needed to move house, decided to take me in and let me stay in their spare room in return for looking after their garden.

They invited me to move in a week before they went to France in their Camper van. Which was rather a trusting thing to do, and obviously they must have known me well enough to know I am not just some evil troublemaker which is how their friend Gavin Ashenden is representing me on their behalf and their family in Jersey's behalf these days, otherwise they would not have moved me in a week before they went away and left me there alone for two weeks!
Before they went, the woman of the couple, Jill Lihou, got me to talk about my past and found out I had been suicidal due to the struggles in my life, and got very upset, this is when I found out she was mentally ill, and had been for a very long time, she told me about how she had hated her children when they were young and had hoped that Heather would die or that Anna would have an accident in the playground.
This was beyond me to understand.
She told me she had 'continued her duties in church as normal but had broken down one day when the vicar had asked something of her and that is how they found out she was ill after not knowing'.

The funny thing is, this side of me being slandered by their friend Gavin Ashenden for being supposedly mentally ill myself, and hearing how he 'drives demons out' of people with mental illness, it makes me wonder 'Is there really one rule for the rich and one for the poor in the church of England?'
Jill's behaviour, in the past and with me was harmful, and she holds church positions, but I am slated and slandered and driven out of churches, while Jill Lihou remains in positions in the church.

Anyway, Jill and her husband George, came home to find I had cleaned the house and descaled the kettle, and they were quite pleased.
Jill and George had initially said to stay until I found lodgings, then Jill changed it to me staying until their family came over from Jersey for half term, that family being Reverend Phil Warren, Heather Warren and their spoilt grandchildren.
I remember being absolutely amazed that George said that one of the grandchildren wanted to see an elephant so they were trying to find somewhere with elephants to take her. Wouldn't it be nice if we could all snap our fingers and have what we wanted?

But that is how they were, the conversation, all the time, in church, out of church and at the table, was everything that Jill and George's family had, and for me, barely getting enough work, it was painful, I had to hear about the private school, the dance lessons, the music lessons, the film opportunity, the holidays, everything ad nauseum, it wore me down and ate at my self esteem, having never been to school and never having had an opportunity for any sort of hobby or music teaching, and as well all the wealth being boasted about, we had to hear about the channel islands and the skiing holidays in Switzerland every single day.
George was from Guernsey and they had family in Jersey, so all the church, community or house heard about was the channel island, or the yearly skiiing holidays in Switzerland.

Sometimes I asked Jill and George if we could talk about something I could also talk about, but that came across as rude even though it was not intended that way, and we didn't have anything to talk about apart from that.
So I had to listen, and I felt smaller and less adequate all the time. The Church of England is not really geared up to the poor and isolated and disabled, and even by then I still didn't know it. I wouldn't have known to remove myself from the Church of England or any of this at that point, I did not know what to do but endure it and think it was God's will for me to stay there with them.

As I will summarize later, I didn't and still don't really, understand that relationships can be unhealthy, I tend to fall into relationships when I am approached and related to, and that is quite consistent, I do not make friends or know how to approach people or ask questions, people become friends when they approach me, and keep talking to me and approaching me, unfortunately this leaves me open to abuse and unhealthy relationships but as yet, I have not been able to change it much.

I grew to love Jill and George but felt very inferior to them, I could not do any of the things they talked about constantly and when they went on and on about their grandchildren getting piano grades and everything I felt such despair, would God ever bless me with even these ordinary things that normal people get to do? I would have given anything to learn piano, only I had nothing to give, so I used to painfully practice on Jill and George's piano and get laughed at by George.

Jill's very obviously had problems and would often shake or cry, not because of me, at the time but because she was ill, she would get very upset about 'the ladies in Africa' and the old ladies in the village and things, and then she started getting upset over me, because I could hardly speak in church and she wanted everyone to see how I could speak to her and George but in church the noise and crowds were too much for me.
Jill was a former nurse and she often spoke about how badly she was treated at the hospital and how a man had attacked her, she obviously never had closure from her past. Jill was very deeply involved in my life and was overly concerned but I did not know boundaries. So I let her take me to a doctor and tell them that she was a former nurse and if they put me on a slightly risky drug, she would administer it. She told me that she and George were not just my friends but were my 'carers' as well. I wonder if the Diocese know that or if Gavin Ashenden mentioned it in his damnation of me.
But anyway, this move by Jill was to affect my life increasingly in future, with side effects from the medicine being severe despair and also affected heartbeat, but I didn't know it at the time or until I was at college.

I was asked to house sit for Jill and George's churchwarden friend and his wife, and I did. I cleaned their house and they came back and the wife, who was deaf kept saying 'It's clean! It's clean!' she was really happy. While I was house sitting and also looking after their two cats, Jill and George's house group, which normally met at their house, came over and had house group where I was house sitting, which was nice.

It was in the summer of 2006 that I went to stay with Jill and George, and in September they went to Jersey for a few weeks to babysit Phil and Heather Warren's daughters. While they were away I got an offer of a place on a course in Dorset and I decided to take the offer, which meant leaving the Lihou's house before they returned. I phoned Phil Warren's house in Jersey, as I was instructed to if I needed to speak to George or Jill, and Phil answered and I was very shy and asked if I could speak to Jill, I told Jill that I was going to leave while they were away. So she arranged for their other daughter, Anna Honour to come and collect the dog, Jessa, who I was looking after as well as looking after the house and garden.

But Jill was still very upset about me going while they were away, and when they got back, she phoned me every single night, which, considering my autism, disrupted me re-settling, because I felt guilty about Jill and leaving them and felt I had done something wrong and could not focus on my new life.

Jill's extreme need to be in touch with me caused increasing problems as I continued at college, she didn't just phone every night, she wanted me to make the 60 mile drive 'home' every Friday night for the weekend, and of course I wanted to do that, of course I did, but I had no boundaries and as a result, my new life was not as it should have been.

I was enjoying college, as well as being very nervous as I was a mature student among a load of 16 and 17 year olds.
We were offered an outing to an agricultural show one day, and I was delighted, but unfortunately I collapsed at the showground and was rushed to hospital.

I was found to have an irregular heartbeat, which they decided was either a heart murmur or a reaction to the drug I was on, which was now rarely prescribed because of side effects and potential danger to people who were suicidal, and they did ask me if I had taken an overdose, but I hadn't.
Anyway this upset Jill Lihou again, and Jill and George's friend Paul offered to come all the way to the hospital to collect me, which annoyed his wife, who was jealous because Paul had taken over my finances and had got me to sign everything over to him.
Paul badly let me down by never doing any of the financial work he said he would, and as a result I lost benefits and was left in debt, which got worse and worse with each bank charge added. Paul doubly let me down by giving up on my finances after having done nothing to help and because his wife was getting jealous, but he didn't tell me he was letting me down, he told George and Jill, and caused some heated discussions and I suffered and so did my friendship with George and Jill. seeing Paul in church after that was an embarrassment after that.

Anyway, in October, Jill and George's family in Jersey came to stay with them for a week, so I didn't go back for the weekends, and then it turned out that they had told Jill not to get me to go home every weekend not every other weekend, this was not discussed with me, it was decided without me.
But Jill was still phoning me every day, and running up her and George's phone bill and he told her to keep the calls short, but if I had dared I would have said don't call every day, but as in my other friendships, I always felt like a child, while they were the adults.

Anyway, every decision behind my back was damaging, and from start to finish in my friendship with Jill and George, they discussed me behind my back, with all and sundry from church, with my old employers, with their family, and this left me defensive and hurt
If you are wondering why I am telling you all this. I am telling you how I have got to the stage of utter crisis with anger and mistrust.
My privacy has not been respected as long as I have associated with the Church of England.

Anyway, eventually Jill stopped phoning every single day, I had another minor rush to hospital, and I began to bond with the couple I lodged with, who incidentally had had negative experiences of the church.
But Jill then wanted to phone on Friday nights, because that is when she chose to phone, and she refused to acccept that I could either be working or on my way to visit my other friends. Just as she refused to take in that I was in danger of quitting college because I could not support myself financially.
She kept asking why she couldn't phone on Friday, just as she kept asking why I was in danger of quitting college.

Jill's intensive involvement meant I was neglecting my old friends who had been part of my life before she was, and she continued to get between me and them even when I was in Jersey. I am sure she didn't mean to, but she was very intensively involved with me, and as it has been realised, as late as only this year, the attachment disorder that I have provokes a specific negative reaction to close involvement, and if only I had known, anyone had known, earlier in my life, then problems could have been averted. But it would have helped if the diocese had had a proper safeguarding procedure in place as well, so that I didn't keep ending up intensely helped by unsuitable people

Anyway, Jill and George invited me home for Christmas 2006.

I didn't get to see my other friends over Christmas, I actually worked on a farm over Christmas but also stayed with Jill and George, and heard all about their family ad nauseum and felt very low, I was still affected by the side effects of the awful drug, which Jill now refused to look after and got upset about and even though she had told the doctor she would have custody of the drug and administer it, she was now upset about it, which made no sense to me but I was the cause of the upset, another wound.
Anyway, Jill told me that if I hadn't been staying then she would have had one of her grandsons to stay, she kept telling me this, until I asked if she wanted me to leave. She said no, but continued to say it.
I got so low I quit the holiday job and went back to my college lodgings early after I asked Jill and George to sit down and talk through our problems and they apparently sat there waiting to talk to me at 11pm at night after their skiing programme finished even though I had gone to bed by then.

Things remained rocky, they decided to come and see me in Dorset, the second time, I think, the first time was when they returned from Jersey and George hugged me for the first time.
Anyway, I was in increasing debt, stressed and worried, and that day in Dorset, all I heard from George and Jill was about everything their family had.
I had had enough.

When we got back to the house, I was so demoralized by Jill and George's boasting that I told them to go home, and I went to my room and cried.
Unfortunately, very unfortunately, Jill decided to come after me even though I had asked them to go, and my landlady let her in.
My reflex reaction when she came into my room where I was crying, was to shriek at her to go. I was hurt and I wanted privacy, I hadn't wanted a whole day of Jill and George boasting while I was in debt and struggling to complete my course.
I had no idea of the impact of me reacting by shrieking 'go away!' at Jill had.

But when I was in hampshire visiting family and friends, now that the Lihous had stopped the stream of communication, I went to apologize to them, and George came out and shouted at me and told me to go away, he came after me and shouted and said I made Jill ill. I was horrified and ran away with him coming after me and shouting.
The police found me, not because of the Lihous but because I was sitting in my car in a layby in despair.
They decided I was suicidal and sectioned me, brutally threw me on a cell floor and left me there until a doctor said there was nothing wrong with me, and let me out, I was bruised and shocked, and as with all the police brutality I have suffered, it is needless to brutalize someone who is terrified and harmless and has not done anything.

Anyway, I wrote to Jill and apologized, she had no idea what George had done in coming after me that night and so was very surprised to find out, and asked him if it was true, and told him to say sorry, and he muttered 'sorry' obediently, but I think, because of the police brutality as well as what he had done, I remained terrified of him ever after. Which annoyed Jill, because she said he had said sorry and that made it better and forgiven, and he said the same, even though he had simply done as Jill told him and muttered sorry when she found out. Isn't it funny how they, in their part in the Channel islands hate and smear campaign do not appear to have forgiven me?

Anyway, the friendship remained rocky after that, although my other friendships in the village and in my old villages remained the same as ever.

One day after months of hardship I recieved a big tax rebate and an cheque from some work I had done, and I had a day off college, so I went to the channel islands as a day out, and was offered a job for the summer while I was there.
My contact with Jill and George had been intermittent and eventually I told them not to contact me.
Trying to be firm with boundaries I did not understand. But I thought 'what a pity, I can't play one-upmanship with them about the channel islands as they are always bloasting'.

Anyway Jill upset me a lot by sending me a card on my birthday, and I was upset, but it caused the always rocky relationship to kick off again, on and off and unstable and as always, taking my focus away from other areas of my life.
One day Jill decided I was 'part of their family' but it was never discussed and I never knew what part, but I said no as I simply did not understand how I, a scruffy outsider who was not welcomed by their children and family, could be a part of their family.
So I graduated college with distinctions and £20 left and made my way to Jersey, no longer in contact with Jill and George because it hurt too much.
Although Jill, for some reason, and still trying to be in control, said she wanted me to have my post sent to me c/o the office at her family's St. Matthews church. seeing as I did not get on well with her family, I am not sure that was a good plan and so it never happened, and Jill also said that the rest of her family would be in Jersey the week I was moving there so I would 'see them', basically Jill and George's family knew, as I did, that I was not part of the family and they didn't want me around.

Anyway, I did not want contact with Jill and George for some time after I moved to Jersey,  actually at the time I didn't want contact with any of my friends or family, so I told them I needed a break, and I kept a diary for them and spent a lot of time alone on the beaches and cliffs.

I met the Avertys and their church, which is another story, which you already know from the Korris report. But Jill and George also came back into my life, wanting to meet me when they were in Jersey with their family, telling me how their other family, Jon and Anna Honour, had moved from Woodley to Guernsey to take up a new church position there, and then back into the boasts.
Jill and George met Robb Averty, and they wanted me to stay with them when I came back to England for a visit, which wrecked my plans and my holiday, and after more boasting, I asked them to conclude our friendship.
The subsequent goings on in Jersey and then Winchester and my life on the street, compounded the damage already done to my ability to trust, attach or control my temper.

Jersey is another story, but what I have been illustrating is some of how I have ended up so severely angry and detached instead of recovering from my childhood, although who knows how much I could have recovered?

Let me talk to you about attachment disorder, which both caused and became compounded by the relationships briefly described above.

Here are the links again:

Now in context of the relationships described in this post, I had better tell you how attachment disorder affects me:
Starting with the first link, I will quote the symptoms that affect me:

Impulsiveness: Adults with attachment disorder indulge in impulsive behavior, which they may or may not regret later.
The angry letters and emails I send when I am hurting are a classic example, I just launch without any thought. I never used to be as wild as I am now, Jersey did that to me. I only sent one angry letter to Juliet and a number to George and Jill after George lost his temper, but I never swore. 

Negative and Provocative Behavior: This condition creates a general negative mindset and leads to provocative behavior that angers others along with oneself.

Well yes, nothing to be proud of and I am not. I am never deliberately provocative, believe it or not, but that does not mean I do not provoke.

The following point, desire for control, only refers to me in that I need to be in control of my life and surroundings, I have no desire to control people, I prefer to escape from them.

Resistance to Love and Guidance: A natural symptom of an attachment disorder is the lack of ability to connect, empathize or sympathize with anyone. People who suffer from this disorder also face difficulty in giving and receiving love and affection from others. They are unable to develop feelings of closeness. They also refuse to accept general advice and guidance from others.

This is a marked symptom in me, it is one that really resounds with me, resistance to love and guidance. And, as with all of this, it is not deliberate, it is how the years have affected my mind. I cannot get close to anyone, I am without the right formula to bond correctly with people, and knowing that is painful, scary, loney and hopeless but it is the case, I can bond superficially but cannot carry a deep emotional connection, even though I can superficially love and tend to respond to other people's love as best I can. I believe that when I was first with Juliet, my potential capacity for love and possible repair was greater and because of the abuse and blame, it got less.

Lack of Trust: Along with the lack of ability to empathize, such persons fail to develop trusting relationships with others, irrespective of their closeness with the person in question.

The depth of damage done means I do not trust.

Anger and Agitation: Adults suffering from attachment disorder are deeply sad and depressed within, and tend to feel isolated. They are overcome by stress and frustration. However, they conceal these traits by showing anger very often, either openly or covertly. Anger is displayed through destructive, cruel, and hostile behavior, and such persons may often argue with those who don't agree with them.
This anger and agitation which describes me so well, hurts and shames me as much as it hurts anyone, but I am horrified and guilty if I hurt anyone.

Superficial Positive Traits: The other side of the coin is that in spite of the above-mentioned symptoms, persons who suffer from this disorder can also appear charming

This is a hard one, but it is true that people who first meet me do not believe I can be so disturbed or angry until they get closely involved.

Helplessness: Due to the symptoms of isolation and depression, persons suffering from attachment disorder feel helpless and feel like they are being accused by family and friends at all times for various reasons.

I do feel helpless, as if I am always wrong but because this is beyond my control, it really is, I cannot get things right or even know what is right. 

Lack of Responsibility: This means that they refuse to take any responsibility for their negative actions and are unable to handle conflict with others.

Like a child, I do not know what to do about conflict, I am not assertive, I am fearful and angry. I am not proud of that.

Confusion: Such persons are always confused, puzzled, and obsessed with finding answers to their queries. This confusion leads to general lack of concentration and a disability to hold their attention towards any activity for long.

This is a good description, it is a frustrating way of life. People think I am intelligent but I have tried to explain recently that if I am, the intelligence is unfocussed due to the condition.

Adults who suffer from attachment disorders most often experience fear and sadness. They deeply desire love and affection, but are unable to portray these desires effectively. Negative experiences in childhood lead them into denial and they fail to understand emotions such as love and attachment. With these deep-seated emotions, it is difficult to just 'talk them out' of such feelings. They require advanced therapeutic methods that involve a nurturing touch, restructuring of emotions, and treatment to break through the barriers of the mind and to get them to reveal all those trapped emotions. Role-playing is another method that helps with the treatment of this condition. Seeking expert help is the best way to assess and treat an attachment disorder. Furthermore, it is important that such individuals receive the necessary support from a friend or family member while undergoing therapy. Several times, this friend may be asked to attend therapy with them to be able to generate feelings of trust. 

The treatment of this disorder is very sensitive and may take a long period of time, depending on how receptive the adult is to this kind of therapy. To be able to confront the fact that one is suffering from this disorder is itself a very challenging task. As such, therapy, along with the love and support of someone close to the sufferer, will adequately help in treating attachment disorder in adults.

Unfortunately the treatment I need for attachment disorder is almost unavailable, and so my life will continue to be hurt and hurting indefinitely. Unless someone somewhere can find a miracle solution.
I am almost able to get EMDR (trauma therapy) now, it my life was not in such severe crisis. But in actual fact, if I was more ordered in attachment and emotion then that would immediately make my life less harmful to myself and others.
So if you have any suggestions, please contact me.

If you look at the second article about attachment: attachment Therapy, it describes types of attachment disorder. I am on the Avoidant Spectrum with a bit of Ambivelance, which clashes and merges with the Autistic Spectrum, but I believe it can all be treated together in Therapy.

This is the Avoidant Attachment Disorder:

    Intense anger and loss
    Critical of others
    Sensitive to blame
    Lack of empathy
    Views others as untrustworthy
    Views others as undependable
    Views self as unlovable or "too good" for others
    Relationships feel either threatening to one's sense of control, not worth the effort, or both
    Compulsive self-reliance
    Passive withdrawal
    Low levels of perceived support
    Difficulty getting along with co-workers, often preferring to work alone
    Work may provide a good excuse to avoid personal relations
    Fear of closeness in relationships
    Avoidance of intimacy
    Unlikely to idealize the love relationship
    Tendency toward Introjective depression (self critical)

Compulsive Caregiving
Feel overinvolved and underappreciated
Rapid relationship breakups
Idealizing of others
Strong desire for partner to reciprocate in relationship
Desire for extensive contact and declarations of affections
Overinvests his/her emotions in a relationship
Perceives relationships as imbalanced
Relationship is idealized
Preoccupation with relationship
Dependence on relationship
Heavy reliance on partner
Views partner as desirable but unpredictable (sometimes available, sometimes not)
Perceives others as difficult to understand
Relationship is primary method by which one can experience a sense of security
Unlikely to view others as altruistic
Sensitive to rejection
Discomfort with anger
Extreme emotions
Views self as unlovable
Suicide attempts
Mood swings
Tendency toward anaclitic depression (dependent depression)

I do not have all the symptoms listed. Not by a long Way, and I am mainly in the avoidant category but have difficulty with closeness, I am actually perfectly ok and happy in a less close and more casual friendship, it is noticably when people try to help me that I become distressed and angry and lash out. Nothing to be proud of, but The Deanery of Jersey have, without understanding me or my story or circumstances, made me out to be deliberately bad and evil.
And yet, before that awful situation in Jersey, where Robb Averty regressed me to childhood again, which was both dangerous and harmful, and sexually and emotionally abused me and then I was treated so badly for reporting him, I never used to swear, I did not do the extreme things I did in Jersey previously, I just reacted badly to ongoing hardship and abuse and damage and unhelpful relationships.
I came from my upbringing and it's damage, into the diocese of Winchester, I did not know what was wrong with me and could not get help.
And in the unhealthy relationships developed, the damage became increasingly severe and I am now very seriously damaged. 

I am sorry for my reactions and how I am, I really am, but until this year I did not even understand what the underlying disorder, attachment disorder was, and although I cannot cure it, I also did not cause it, and have endeavoured all my adult life to better myself and be a good citizen.
I have become increasingly and severely afraid of help and intervention since the Diocesan actions against me as I am terrified of being helpless at their hands again.

I hope that this post helps you to understand a bit of the background of me, even though it does not really cover the Asperger/autism side of things. There is so much more to tell you.

1 comment:

  1. Gladwin, you are going to be in court unless you stop being part of this cover-up.