Wednesday, 11 June 2014

After Winchester written 11/06/2014

  • No one  can imagine, unless they have to live through it, what it is like to lose your home, suddenly be a criminal, be homeless, be banned from your home and lose all your posessions, be homeless and be unable to get help because of continued branding and interference by the people who left you homeless and destitute this way.
  • It is a terrible cold empty world, where this happens, and the people doing this to you are church people who have utterly failed in their duty and have scapegoated you for it.

In 2011 I started a handwritten diary, because I expected to perish on the streets, driven from homeless services and help by the Church of England and the record they got me, and I felt that unless I started writing, then if I died, only the police who treated me as mad and bad, and the Diocese, would be the ones to have a say about me in the press, and to a certain extent, I still feel that, in life and in death, they are the ones to brand me, they are the ones with the voice. I didn't see much good in myself anyway. But the journal and then the blogs, became my lifeline, my voice, and they remain my only voice.

Here is some of my journal from 2011, copied onto 'Homeless':

I am copying my old journal again in order to get rid of the paper copy and have it on here instead.
I was writing about myself again here, in the hope of letting my family know something about me for when I died, as they know as little about me as I know about them.

I am apparently 5ft7, I cannot do measurements due to my learning difficulties, I am average height. My shoe size is also average, 7.
I wish that the rest of me was average. I have trouble telling my weight, it varies rapidly and startlingly, I am usually overweight, sometimes slightly sometimes by quite a bit.
I have a learning difficulty to do with maths that caused me to be called stupid just about every day of my childhood.

I also have receptive dysphasia or a slow processing speed that is linked to autism, it is very variable in intensity but has improved dramatically from the severity it was when I was a teenager. It still affects my ability to use a phone and hear one to one conversation in a crowded room or have a conversation with two or more people.

I have been called 'ignorant', 'awkward', 'useless', daft and many other names as a result of my difficulties.
This used to really hurt and frustrate me when I didn't know what was wrong but knew I wasn't being deliberately awkward.

I seem to be overweight and not overweight, overweightness runs in my family, but I have skinny arms and other places and a big belly and thighs, no matter what I eat or don't or no matter how much work or exercise I do. I hate my funny lumpy misshapen body and wish my neck would let me hold my head up.
Sometimes in the mirror I look tall and tanned and confident with glowing skin and hair, sometimes I look pale and pasty and droopy and ugly.
My clothes also vary like this, but the worst thing is when they smell bad when I can't wash or change them.

I am very childlike and my voice is high and thin and sounds like a defensive chld. It is very embarrasing if I do use a phone as people are rude and think I am hoaxer or something.

Do I have a personality? What is it like? well I don't know, I am me, but I am sure the Hometown diocese would make me out to have a personality disorder if they could, in order to plant the blame for everything on me.

It is difficult to know who I am since the church branded me. I seem to be who they say I am, and yet I am not who they say I am.

I have a sense of humour, they haven't changed that.

It is hard not to write about myself in the past tense because I have felt like who I am and was has been blotted out by the church and diocese, so excuse the past tense in my writing.

I believed in good, in honesty and celibacy and refraining from using drugs, alcohol or cigarettes, I believed in returning lost items to their owners and having integrity, I believed in not being scared by media hysteria, I believed in lots of things, but my fragile world and beliefs are invalid because of the church being untruthful and condemning me.
The church have condemned me as wicked and a liar and a troublemaker, and they have broken me.

I have to stop writing now because it is too much for me.

Do I consider all this writing to be:
  • Self-indulgent?
  • naval gazing?
  • Selfish?
Yes. But that is not all it is. It is written in order to tell my side, explain me, and hopefully to help other people who are suffering to know that they are not alone.

I cannot comletely cure myself. I am one solitary autistic person, and autism literally means 'self-ism', trapped in one's own self, and despite that, clumsily, I try to reach out and help others, ever more tentatively.

Despite being condemned forever as the Bad Person by the church, I;

  • Help push cars that break down
  • return wallets and valuables that I find to the police or the owners
  • help people up when they fall
  • help carry heavy loads
  • avoid begging or asking for help
  • offer to help if someone is upset
  • and do anything I can to help despite not being able to be a volunteer any more.
These are problems that I associate with my mixture of trauma and Autistic Spectrum:

  • Touch sensitivity
  • Noise sensitivity
  • Heat sensitivity
  • disphasia
  • frustration, irritability and low mood
  • inability to cope with relationship problems
  • Incomprehension of situations and explanations
  • need for large amounts of solitude and freedom
  • need for 'adult' help
  • Anxiety
  • motor problems  (always makes me think I have a motor that doesn't work)
  • need for structure and routine
  • communication and speech problems
  • easily overloaded with stress
  • claustrophobia
  • eating problems
  • depression
  • flashbacks and inability to escape from bad things in the past
  • need for things to be correct
  • negativity
An exhaustive list?

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