We had the Elton John CD at work, and this was one of the songs I used to listen to a lot, as well as https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QBwqdA7_4lo which reminded me of the increasingly deteriorating and faulty relationship I had with the churchwarden and his wife and my longing to go back to the work I was trained for and be free, that work wasn't really available in Jersey any more, as what agriculture was left was done by immigrant slave labour and the horticulture industry was closing down. I longed for the green fields of Hampshire and to be independent again, you may hear that in the song, how I was rebelling and I began to feel how lost Jersey was, and I dreamed of Hampshire every night.
- Writing about this fills me with terrible sadness. Hindsight is always useful but I wish I had known enough to prevent this. I was going to go to the grape harvest in France when I finished my summer job in Jersey, and I should have, but I had established a connection with Jersey, familiarity, and the churchwarden said he was my Dad, that his wife was my mum, and that I needed to settle and have a home and family, and in my heart that was what I had always wanted, and he said they were my God-sent parents, so, after always praying to belong, I believed I had finally found my home and family that I had prayed for.
- I do remain indebted to that couple for their generosity, and it is a burden I carry, but the wrong goings on there were real and they made me ill.
- It is breaking my heart to try and write this.
- So, I went to live with the churchwarden and his wife, I slept in one of the spare rooms that used to be one of their son's bedrooms, I always thought it must have been unfair on their sons as one had a tiny room and the other had a decent sized room, I slept in the small room.
- The churchwarden was very happy I was there and would spend ages cuddling me each day, he got me to call him Daddy, and to call his wife Mummy, although she did not really like this.
- Early on they had a row in the middle of the night that I overheard, and she was saying how I was still thinking of moving on and she wanted me to go, it was shocking and it shattered my self-esteem, and I broke up the row by letting them know I could hear it, the churchwarden came and sat on the stairs in his pyjamas and put me on his lap and cuddled me, trying to comfort me, while his wife stayed in their room and went back to sleep, but it hurt deep, because I knew she didn't want me, but he was dominant and was keeping me there, and I stayed because he said God had sent me to them, to be their daughter, and such was my faith, I went along with it. It did great spiritual damage to me, that got greater as time went by.
|I don't have any St. Saviour pictures but I worked on the border of St. Saviour and Grouville, right by Hogue Bie, while I was living in St. Saviour.|
I am going to stop because I find this distressing.
Saying goodnight with the realisation that the church of England have marred my whole adulthood and may well kill me as well if not marring the remainder of my life, and here is another Elton John song from that time in my life, that reminds me of the churchwarden's wife and how, unlike my friendship with the Lihous, there were doubts from the beginning, and reminded yet again, that that whole episode must have been awful for her, although she did make it worse by her unkindness and belittling of me. That man should never have been able to take me home.