Strange Practices

Back on the subject of how Jersey is not an honest squeaky clean place where 'bad people' are deported.
They tend to jail people who speak up.
They tend to ruin people who speak up.
They tend to lie a bit about the real circumstances of cases.
Who are 'They'? A little clique of Judicial/political figures.

And a Jersey Vicar said to me that he has thrown Ian Lemarquand against a wall and asked him about 'Those boys in LaMoye who shouldn't be there', the same Vicar who told me that 'In Jersey, you keep your enemies close and know what they are doing'. At the time I still didn't fully understand what he meant, but he was saying he knew how bad the system was.

So, Jersey, where I was also told about Satanic or black magic rituals taking place in a church. Where a priest and his wife also claimed that there were 'Satanists in Jersey praying for the breakup of clergy marriages', which was copied directly from a boog which reads 'There are Satanists in the USA, praying for the breakup of clergy marriages', why would a Satanist do that?
http://www.highstrangeness.tv/articles/jerseydevils.php

lies that my destroyers tell

Good morning,

Apparently deputy Mike Higgin's question in the States last week about me being deported destitute and in my pyjamas and left alone at Southampton Airport, homeless and destitute, sparked denials from Home Affairs Minister Ian lemarquand, who is a reader in the church and friend of my abuser.
This also led to more unhelpful newspaper articles, denials that I was deported and loud shouts about me pleading guilty. But as we know, the Jersey media are not independent and the JEP is run by my abuser's brother.

Firstly, bewildered and traumatized in prison, I did exactly as I was told by the advocates who failed in any way to defend me, including pleading guilty.
Secondly it is fact that I was arrested in my pyjamas, spent two weeks in prison in my pyjamas and was deported in my pyjamas and landed in England destitute and in pyjamas, with no bra, and a bag containing unwearable clothes that the police had flung together, my passport and a bank card, and possibly a little bit of money that my friend had lent me for food in prison, which was returned to me when I left prison, I did not get the money back that the police appear to have stolen from my room, nor did I get my posessions back, I was indeed left destitute.

Bible

Here are three important Characters in the Bible - Job, David, Jesus.

They all suffered homelessness, anguish and pain.

Have the people in the Church of England who have damaged me suffered these things? No.

I have.

This is a short post as the longer post I wrote the other night was lost when the internet crashed, I will re-post tomorrow.

In London when I was utterly destroyed and sure I was going to commit suicide after being destroyed by Jane Fisher and Bishop Scott-Joynt for responding to their constant harrassment of me, I used to find comfort in this song below, and in my current state of equal or greater hopelessness, I still do

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JMWntCBn5sU

Macsas and 'The Stones Cry Out'

Useless and unhelpful as macsas is, and as out of date their website is, they did do a church abuse survey some years ago, and never appear to have got around to the second one.
But I would like to include their survey here http://macsas.org.uk/MACSAS_SurveyReportMay2011.pdf

On page 42, a case concerning the Diocese of Winchester is mentioned.

I do not know for sure, but believe that may be the case of a woman who I will call 'M', it is not my case, definitely but very sadly I was made aware of M's case while I was in the Diocese, which shows just how little confidentiality mattered to some people.

M, made a complaint about a Vicar. Sadly the Diocese handled this really badly, really really badly, because they involved JM, the Vicar who's husband sexually abused me, and who told me that the abuse was not abuse and was my fault and that I was trying to seduce her husband etc.

JM, with her bad attitude to abuse victims generally and not just me, who always treated abuse victims with scorn and repeatedly lack of confidentiality, and who made abusers out to be 'just victims themselves' always had this attitude of scorn and lack of confidentiality to victims and attitude of support to abusers.

JM was, for some reason asked to step into the abuse claim and act as a 'mentor' to 'M', she kept nothing confidential and told me all about it, she scornfully described M as 'adoring' this Vicar and following him around and seeing him as a father figure and misconstrueing his actions, and this is how she represented M to the diocese, much as she scornfully blamed me for what FM did while I was vulnerable and she had taken me home to him.

Quote Macsas survey page 42:

1.18.1 Two other cases were also reported in the Dioceses of Winchester and Liverpool. In the first there was at last an investigation process undertaken two years after the allegations were made when the respondent contacted the Archbishop of Canterbury. The respondent has recently reported that the outcome of the investigation was to give the vicar the ‘benefit of the doubt’ and to suggest ways that the vicar could change his behaviour so that it is less open to misinterpretation. She is again writing to the Archbishop of Canterbury.  1.18.2 Again it is clear that Church leaders do not seem to take these cases seriously, or understand the need for resolution when complaints are made. Even when allegations are investigated through the Clergy Discipline Measures the procedures are manipulated to minimise the actions of the vicar and the subsequent penalty imposed. Women are not being protected from further abuse by these men. 

1.18.3 At least one of these vicars is a reported to be a serial sexual abuser of women and has 

been allowed to continue in ministry far from the diocese where he became notorious for 

sexually assaulting and abusing women. Another has multiple allegations of sexual abuse 

of young men during healing ministry and past allegations of child abuse and sexual 

misconduct. He was not investigated by Church authorities because he chose not to renew 

his license when allegations were made. In other cases women who had dedicated their 

lives to working in their parishes were vilified and isolated when they raised concerns 

about the conduct of the parish vicar. 

1.18.4 At all times it appears as if the reputation of the priest/vicar is more important than 

safeguarding members of the congregations, their colleagues and others who come to 

them for spiritual/pastoral support.

Obviously nothing changed in the Diocese of Winchester, nothing at all, and my recent statements about how FM's abuse of me was deliberately made into a nothing by the Korris report have been swept under the carpet along with my filling in of the gaps about Jane Fisher's destroyal of me on my return to Winchester.

So the ongoing investigation omits my views and omits my complaints, including that against JM who crossed boundaries as my counsellor to take me home to her house where she continued to take over my life, prevent my diagnoses and thus the help I needed, breached confidences to me and about me, and let her husband abuse me despite his daughter accusing him of abuse, and then she involved herself in Jersey on the side of the abuser and his supporters.

Nothing whatsoever has been done either about J and FM or about the Diocese of Winchester's appaling safeguarding practice.

And there is no way that JM breaching safeguarding and professional boundaries blatantly and repeatedly can possibly be my fault, nor the damage over years that I suffered as a result and reacted to, for which I have been villified, especially by the Dean of Jersey who collaberated with JM, and Jane Fisher, of all people, who has followed JM's example of not taking abuse seriously and villifying me instead.

This is not the post I previously mentioned, this is a link

There is not a great deal of specific support for church abuse survivors.
In the Uk there is macsas, a very crass and badly run charity, which increased the damage to me rather than helping me.
There is a group called SNAP, who are America-based but are expanding.
And there is the Hope of Survivors, who are mainly USA-based but offer support to anyone, wherever they are in the world, via internet and email.

Although the sexual abuse I suffered was from people in church postions, I also suffered badly from the way clergy have treated me as a result of the abuse, and have suffered emotional abuse at the hands of the clergy.

This is a link offered by The Hope of Survivors  http://thehopeofsurvivors.com/

The endless horror of the cover ups and dishonesty and the impact on my life.

04/12/2016 Flaming Hell Jersey, you are landing on this post like a demented grasshopper, if you would like to know more, just email me.

The endless horror of the cover ups and dishonesty and the impact on my life. 

As you know, I have been in shock recently as it was revealed that Dame Steel has indeed done as expected and destroyed me on behalf of the wrongdoers who she has covered up for in her report.I have also been on antibiotics, and I never react well to them, I don't react well to most medicines. So I have been in a bit of a stupor.

I think I will go through various things here.
According to Bob Hill's account of his meeting with Dame Heather Steel, she made me out to be a violent troublemaker who threatens people in their homes.Who I am supposed to have threatened I do not know, as far as I know I threatened no-one until right at the end when the Bishop's refusal to deal with my complaint and the unrelenting distress I was put under by the Dean and Deanery, Jane Fisher and the Bishop, drove me to breaking point.
Apparently Dame Steel's report says the Dean met with me because the A's had made a formal complaint about me harrassing them, presumably this is stating that he did not meet me to deal with my complaint of abuse.If this is the case, which it isn't, don't you think that is very very bad practice indeed? For these reasons among others:

• The Dean certainly did not make this clear

• why did the Dean, being confronted with my abuse complaint on one hand, and a known offender all of a sudden making a formal complaint of harrassment against me on the other, not immediately contact the Diocese of Winchester, and also make it clear to me what was going on? He didn't do either.

• And no matter if the avertys had made a complaint of harrassment, I had made a complaint of sexual abuse and A was known to the church as an offender (which I was not told about or warned about), why was it appropriate for the Dean to see the A's first? It was not.

• No mention of the A's making a formal complaint was made to me, the Dean was trying to dissuade me from making a complaint against the A's, saying things like 'isn't abuse a bit of a harsh word for this?' etc.

There were no unpleasant letters from me to anyone except where I was being harmed in some way, I am reactive and have responded to being hurt. In the case of the A's I was being sexually and emotionally abused, and in the case of A's Vicar, he and his wife were ignoring my concerns and my deterioration at A's hands and were allowing A to proceed to hurt me and complain to them and discuss me with them repeatedly in a derogatory way while refusing to speak to me, the cult atmosphere and the way I was lied to by the Vicar and his wife also harmed me. And all things considered, the Vicar and his wife's attitude when they knew this man was an offender, and the way they discussed me with him negatively while refusing to speak to me, all the while knowing I was obviously increasingly upset, is unspeakably appalling. Basically, despite his history, he was allowed to take me home and abuse me, I deteriorated and nothing was done.

Apparently, Dame Steel has interviewed Reverend Gavin Ashenden, who is technically nothing to do with this matter, he was not even among the clergy in Jersey when the abuse and abuse case and deportation occured, but as a former barrister, chaplain to the Queen etc, and being closely allied to Reverend Phil and heather Warren's parents/in-law, he feels qualified to have interfered and elected himself spokesperson for the Jersey deanery and slandered and libelled me even though he has never met me, apparently forgetting completely what his dog collar stands for and not taking into account that there is no way a one-sided public judgement of me can be even remotely Christian.

But despite the fact that Dame Heather Steel has not interviewed me, or the A's, she has interviewed Gavin Ashenden, who was not there at the time, does not have my side either of the abuse and abuse complaint nor does he have my side of what happened with George and Jill Lihou, Reverend Phil Warren's parents-in-law.
So why did Dame Steel interview someone who isn't even a relevant witness and not interview me or even attempt to allay fears of her conflict of interests so I could be interviewed, or even take up my offer to be interviewed by a neutral interviewer? Why is the testimony of someone like Gavin Ashenden who was representing the Jersey Deanery even though he wasn't there when the matters took place more important than interviewing me? Or even Bob?Dame Steel claims to have 'not got Bob's emails', is that any excuse? she knew Bob was representing me, and she conveniently lost his emails until it was too late and she has finished her report.

Gavin Ashenden has apparently said that the Dean's case is 'watertight'. Well it may be 'watertight', with legal experts like Gavin Ashenden, Philip Bailhache and Ian leMarquand advising him, as well as presumably his lawyers, but that does not mean they are being honest or Christian, because the fact is that the Dean has done wrong, and no amount of dishonest cover-ups and legal expertise is Christian, nor does it take away the abuse, the misconduct and everything else I have suffered at the hands of the church of England.

I have suffered the church of England for many years now, and am worn down, I have been abused, snubbed, had feet wiped on me, been maligned, been judged, been lied to and about, been brutalized, been imprisoned, left homeless and been destroyed, and am being destroyed.The contrasts are that Jesus was treated as I have been treated, and the people doing this are priests who are being paid and housed because they claim to represent him, their wrongdoings do not represent Jesus, and nor are they destroyed and publicly shamed and left homeless as I have been at their hands.

After many months of being maligned, libelled and slandered at the hands of the Jersey Deanery, I wrote them an open letter, it wont stop their triumph of Dame Steel's representation of them, but it was a reminder to them that their behaviour was not Christian, no matter what they publicly and one-sidedly assumed about mine.The press mainly savaged my letter and did not print it entirely or correctly, that was to be expected, Jersey press are under the thumb of certain notable and not neutral people. Gavin Ashenden surprisingly responded by calling for the Bishop to apologize to me and the Dean. 

I am not sure if that was to save face? Attack the Bishop? Or because the man didn't know how else to respond? Seeing as he has behaved in an appallingly unchristian way and my letter highlights that.This is my letter on Bob's blog, always read the comments sections on Bob's blogs! 
http://bobhilljersey.blogspot.co.uk/2013/10/jerseys-dean-hgs-guest-posting-open.html
This is Bob's latest Blog, for those who haven't seen it, again, always read the comments, they are an education:
http://bobhilljersey.blogspot.co.uk/2013/10/jerseys-dean-truth-whole-truth-or.html

As you may be aware from the brief posts I have made recently, I have been under intolerable stress. I do not understand why I have been put through all this, and the Diocese of Winchester certainly has no explanation, basically what I have suffered because of Dame Steel and the Jersey Deanery is absolutely inexcusable, no human being especially not a homeless and traumatized one should have to go through the life wrecking, psychologically harmful barrage that I have been through this year, from the Korris report, the police tracing me despite the diocese repeatedly having me brutalized and detained by the police previously for persisting with my complaint, to the Jersey Deanery hate campaign and the impact on my personal life, the threats by Bishop Dakin and the conflicted inquiry that has bypassed me and my account, despite this whole thing supposedly being about me being wrongly treated.

The end result is that I am psychologically injured, separated from my efforts to rebuild my life, maligned, publicly shamed and with no hope of any justice.
The worst thing is, the people who did this to me, without exception, call themselves Christians, and the one man who has represented me and my interests and welfare throughout this, does not publicly identify himself as a Christian.

This post will be followed shortly by another one that got deleted last night when the internet crashed.

Church and State, make them accountable

This is, as ever, not a suicide note, but there is no doubt that my body and mind are not able to go on surviving the horrendous amount of damage that has been done and is being done to me.

Those of you who are reading because you care, and I know that there are some. My last wish is that the church of england who destroyed me, are made accountable.
Not just for me, but accountable to some authority, somewhere, because at the moment, despite the fact that they are a government department, with Bishops announced by 10 Downing Street, and despite their charitable status, and despite the fact that hundreds of cases of abuse and misconduct are reported and mainly squashed every month, despite no other government department ever getting away with such, the church of england are accountable to no-one.
And once you are in the church of england and report abuse, they can destroy you in the most horrible and public ways possible and again, they are accountable to no-one. No-one at all, and as a vulnerable person, from my experience, I have been to every possible organization and cried for help, and been ignored or treated as mad, or in the case of the police, brutalized, told that the church had done nothing wrong and that I had no right to be looking to them for help when my problem was insanity.

Basically, this Great Grim Church answers only to itself, and no-one is ever effectively held accountable. And after years of suffering because of this, and having been villified for writing to people in the church who did wrong, I am now destroyed beyond repair, while other victims go away silenced and angry, are given police records or commit suicide, and the church of england are never made accountable, even though their actions and attitudes regarding abuse is as far from Christianity as it is possible to be.

So before my heart or mind fails me, I beg you, bring the church of england to account.
Even in my death, let my side be heard.

impact

Good afternoon.

I see that the blog has been read a lot in my absence.
Thank you.

Am I ok? well, no. I haven't been well, and there is no hope of me being ok really.
I am on antibiotics, but that is not the problem. Hey, it's the first time they have fed me anything that hasn't left me incapacitated, although they were a bit annoyed that they couldn't feed me anything stronger in case I had a reaction.

Bob's latest blog will tell you some of what is going on. http://bobhilljersey.blogspot.co.uk/
It doesn't tell it all. I guess I will have to tell you more later. But most of the time now I can't do much, I am indeed destroyed.
I have never had a voice or a just or fair hearing, the few hours with John Gladwin and Christine Daley barely told my story.

Christian/ UnChristian

Good morning.
I hoped to post something yesterday but therapy, travelling, tiredness and Dame Steel's damnation of me meant I didn't get anything done.

Last night I met with my friend and we went to a cafe and talked.
She told me that I will be higher up the ladder to heaven than my destroyers when I go.
I told her that as far as they are concerned I am going to hell.

What I do not understand, again, is why the Diocese of Winchester were able to force back into my life and leave me in distress while allowing Steel to destroy me, what exactly has it achieved except making living impossible and and anguished for me?
There is nothing more unforgiving and unchristian than this whole matter of launching on me and dragging up the past to damn me, if God has forgiven me my real sins, why much this cover-up that makes me out to be something terrible brand me permenantly unforgiven?

horror

Following Dame Heather's damning one-sided report against me, which I had simply been waiting in distress for for months, I am left with utterly no hope.
During my time in Jersey, when I broke down and was suffering badly, a friend, George, sent me this song to help me.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I-G8IfjPAII

George was a long-time friend of my family, someone my parents 'approved of', and had been my sister's boyfriend for a number of years until all of a sudden she couldn't stand him, and no-one knew why.
When my Dad died, it became apparent that the family, apart from my mum, did not want George around, and slowly, because I had been so far distant from the family, I learned that George had been behaving badly.
Then he was arrested for child pornography and child kidnap, and last thing I heard, he was in prison.
This was all a shock to me, I had had no idea that he was a peadophile and had tried it on with my underage sister.
George had always made an effort to come round if I has been to see the family, and I just thought he was a harmless friend.
Along with the troubles in Jersey and Dad's death and the family falling apart, George being arrested was another massive shock to my system, and I  could not listen to this comforting song until recently.

Although, after what DameSteel and the Jersey Deanery have done to damn me, very little can ever bring comfort, even my psychologist cannot do much, because he cannot change the terrible circumstances that I am in, there is no way I can build a life on the way I have been damned by a one-sided report, which involved witness statements from people who were not even involved, but which omits my side of things.

lack of formal complaint, the Dean's supporters claim

As Posted on Bob Hill's blog.

Back to the little subject of formal complaints. I do not understand everything that the Dean's supporters say. But I can say that with regard to the churchwarden case, firstly I gave the Dean a great amount of detail in writing, especially after he didn't handle the complaint properly at the start, he then consulted his lawyers, and told me I needed to submit a formal complaint. I discussed this with the director of Autism Jersey as I was baffled as to why my complaint so far was not considered formal, because of the Dean's handling of the complaint, we wondered if he was stalling things. I then submitted a formal letter of complaint, of which there are copies. As the Dean continued to be reluctant to handle the complaint, I contacted the Diocese of Winchester, and despite misinformation in the Korris report and by the Dean's supporters, that was my first ever contact with the Diocese and my first complaint to them. HG

what is life on the streets like as this investigation farce continues?

Rough Sleeper:

‘Between sleeping places’ is a good way of describing me, after months of anti-social behaviour and noise leaving me living in fear and suffering emotionally at night as I felt unsafe, I stopped going back to where I was sleeping.

This left me looking for a new ‘home’ and place to store my bedding. It feels like freedom and fear, when you move sleeping places.
I decided on one of my reserve places, where I have actually never slept before, though it has been vacant for years as far as I know.

I moved my bedding up there the other evening but stayed with a friend because I was soaked in the bad weather. She could offer me one night before she went away for a few weeks. Indoors is a very hot dry place, I am not sure how people manage to live there all the time.
My remaining jumper was soaked in the thunderstorm and my friend lent me a cardigan that won't do up, not ideal for rough sleeping but better than nothing.
I have lost jumpers, a coat and blankets recently, which happens when you are a rough sleeper.

I feel very stressed, my head is full of pressure and my memory and concentration are poor, it feels like my head will burst, and it may, I have high blood pressure and four years ago yesterday, my dad died of a stroke from blood pressure and stress. I have now been under severe stress for five years and more. This Diocese of Winchester mess will kill me, one way or another, I have no doubt.

Anyway, after managing to forage enough food and tea yesterday, it was the night I was worried about, no food or hot drinks left and a cold nigh coming up with not enough blankets or clothing.

I was lucky though, when I was passing the burger bar, my friend who runs it called me over and asked if I wanted tea and a burger, I was grateful for this, though I have to be careful because he wants to go out with me and that is not what I want.
So I stayed and chatted to him and he wanted to know what was on my mind, so I told him about Dame Steel and the stress I was under, and he told me that life is too short to worry and the real, Great and Just Judge is God and no matter what Dame Steel does, she will have to face the Great and Just Judge in the End.

Anyway, my burger bar friend wanted to go for a walk on the beach with me and I said no, and told him I was very tired and would go and sleep. He accepted that, poor man.
By the time I went to the new sleeping place it was 11.30pm, which is late night for me, I like a much earlier night as I can easily sleep 12 hours and more if I am left in peace, I need a lot of sleep, because being autistic in a neurotypical world is hard work.
Sleeping in a new place, bedding down in a new place, is nerve wracking, even for an experienced rough sleeper.
I was pleased to find that my remaining bedding was fairly dry and I had a cardboard box that would do as a partial groundsheet.

The ground was damp though, so I got a bit damp as I tried to bed down, and I was alert in case anyone, especially other rough sleepers, noticed me. But no-one did.
I was so tired that I was immediately asleep, my head on my backpack.

I woke an hour later, which is unsurprising, in a new sleeping place you tend to sleep in shifts, and also when you don’t have enough bedding on a cold night.
I got up and went to the loo and redid my blankets in the hope of warming up, it worked and I slept again and woke a few hours later, briefly, before sleeping until 4.20am, which is close to morning, I was shivering but the warm parts of the blankets were too comfortable and I was reluctant to move. Surviving the night in harsh circumstances is always an achievement to mark and to thank God for.

A great big fox was standing curiously nearby when I woke, he was reluctant to move when I spoke to him, he was conflicted between fear and curiosity, probably a young dog fox, like the one who used to come and sit by my camp fire years ago. I do not mind foxes but I do not want them vandalizing my stash packs. Foxes are not vicious as portrayed sometimes, but they are vandals :) believe me they are.

Eventually I got up, stashed my bedding and headed to the cash point, where my benefit money was thankfully in, so I headed for the station for the first train down the line to the next town.

This is my life, I have enough to deal with without the Diocese of Winchester.

A song that we used as a tribute to my dad when he went into a coma and never woke four years ago while my life was being ripped apart by the church of england http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LjjSAV9HZ4U
Marking the fourth anniversary of his death, on a Wednesday two weeks after he went into a coma and three days before his Birthday, I remember sitting alone with him after his life support was switched off and as he continued to breathe, my brothers and sisters had left me alone with him as they went off to get drunk, and I told him I was sorry for the utter failure my life was, because the Diocese and Deanery were destroying me and I blamed myself, and a year later, on the first anniversary of my Dad's death, I was a rough sleeper.

Two sides of the Church of England, panic recruiting, lack of accountability

A deeply cynical post, written for the likes of Peter Ould who would attack an abuse victim because he is defensive of a warped church system (and he is a bit vouyeristic as well, by all accounts, hence being an ordained priest who writes on the internet about sex and interferes in abuse cases and slates the victim for what he has heard about them, without ever having met them, he represents the Church of England badly, or well, depending on how you look at it).

The Church of England divides into two, and both sides seem to be losing direction.

I know correct terminology but I can describe what I have seen of the two sides of the church.

The Church of England Side one:

Side one is undoubtedly the original Church of England. You see it in Cathedrals and old village and High Churches. If you watch the Vicar of Dibley, then David Houghton is a perfect example of this side of the Church of England. Holding positions in Church because he is wealthy and has status, rather than because he is ethical or a mature Christian. It is almost 'expected' for the local 'aristocracy' to hold positions in this side of the church, and I have witnessed that firsthand in my life, working for the big country house when I was younger, my employer wasn't ethical, she allowed drug use in her house and on her estate, and other things, but because she was the aristocrat with the range rover and labradors, she was the churchwarden for the local church congregation of 12 or so people.

I would say, that this side of the Church of England is still the prevailing side. But I remain without understanding as to why exactly these people are in the positions, isn't it at odds with their life and attitude?

So, in the structure of this side of Church, the leadership is a clique of rather well-to-do people and there is a Vicar or Rector wedged somewhat uncomfortably in the middle, and they can wedge in three or so ways, passive -they let the clique lead and they follow, dominant - they control the way the church is run and don't like being questioned -this doesn't work so well these days because everyone has a car and everyone can choose another church, and the third option is for the priest to be one of the clique, despite the Diocese of Winchester now desperately trying to recruit everything that looks vaguely human, a lot of priests are still from stable or well-to-do backgrounds and can be as removed from the normal world as the cliques who run the churches are.

So who goes to side one of the church of England? Mainly wealthy older people, disabled and disadvantaged people tend to stick out like a sore thumb, and their offers to help in church tend to be knocked on the head by the cliques and politics that run the church, and who are behaving at odds with Christianity despite holding their positions.

This side of the Church of England belongs in the dark ages, and such discrimination as you meet in these churches would not be allowed in any workplace or anywhere outside the church, and any other organization that was so exclusive would be slated to the world for it, but the Church of England is kind of separate from the real world, exclusive, and they daily glorify themselves on twitter despite the glaring mess they are in, and you have to wonder, how do they explain this self-glorification in the context of Christianity, it isn't Christianity, did Jesus advertise himself thus? A Christian Church should be modest, and while the Church of England refuse to be accountable for their faults and prejudice, they love to show off what they think is good about themselves.

Anyway, back to basics, the Old Church of England is exclusive, old, dry, about money in the coffers and their version of helping the poor is putting some of their wealth in envelops for appeals and patting themselves on the back.

This side of the Church of England is not a good place for vulnerable people, because these wealthy older people tend to not know or understand disability or vulnerability or the difference between different health conditions, especially not non-physical ones, and they tend to still use words like 'mental retardation', I have heard autism repeatedly described this way by these old people, and I have been described this way, in my hearing, because some of them think my condition means I cannot hear or understand them.

So with a total lack of understanding of disability on the part of the majority in these churches, and with vulnerable people being a distinct minority and misunderstood, and with the Church constantly recruiting and employing people from the older and wealthier majority, because there would be outcry and shunning otherwise, the vulnerable can be abused. 

And in a number of cases, including a mentions in Police Inspector Harry Keeble's books on child protection, abusers go into the church because church people are more trusting and abuse is easy.
I would like to add to that, in my experience, the Church of England refuse to, or cannot, remove abusers from church positions, even if those people are not cleared by the police, and in both abuse cases, my abusers have remained respected church figures while I have been destroyed, which glaringly pronounces the church as a safe haven for abusers.

Finally, on the subject of Side one, the Old Church of England, as I have explained before, the churches are run by these wealthy older people, mainly old ladies who have always been provided for, and aristocratic gentlemen, and not only do they not understand the vulnerable, but they have blind faith in the Church of England Hierachy, the Bishops in their palaces and those high up, who also live very comfortable lives.

So when I told an old wealthy Church lady that the former Archbishop had repeatedly turned a blind eye on me and other abuse victims, and had left me to be destroyed, she was outraged, for the Archbishop, she kept repeating to me, trying to force me to accept it 'Archbishop Rowan Williams is a Very Godly Man', and she kept repeating this mantra at me, over and over, trying to drown me out, but had no answer to the simple question 'why did this supposedly Godly man fail so many vulnerable people who appealed to him? why did he ignore them?' This was beyond her scope, because she was old, well off, and knew nothing of abuse and didn't want to, therefore me and what had happened to me was an affront to her 'Very Godly Man' image of the former archbishop.
That is Side One, the Old Church of England.

Side Two of the Church of England:

This is not a more caring or inclusive side, it can certainly give that image, as well as an image of being 'modern' and 'not like the old people' but is it better?

The 'New Version' of the Church of England, 'Side Two', is the extreme Evangelical side, it is usually characterized by young male preachers, who are all charismatic and wear tight teeshirts and play guitars, well that is a stereotype but it is a good one. The congregation is quite happy to have plastic chairs and stand up a lot, it is all noise and light and sound, it is a bit like a rock concert on a Sunday, and everyone has to join in, and smile. They usually have to have a big 18-30s group and everything has to be 'young' and 'trendy' and the young people are all professionals with all the latest stuff and gossip.
A different type of club than side 1. and they want to take over from side one and banish it as being in the dark ages. But this side is more of a club than a church, a fun young people's rock club, socials and things are very important, it all fits round work and they are all professionals, it is a desparate attempt by the Church of England to stay alive as their side one congregations are dying out.
But you don't see the side one and side two congregations together, so who is right and who is  wrong?

Ethics and knowledge in the Church of England:

Basically none are necessary.
The problem with both sides in the Church of England is that neither seem to have much by way of ethics, and neither are really inclusive of the minorities.

My initiation into the Church of England did not involve teaching me the ethics or structure of the Church of England, in fact nothing was taught to the group of us that were confirmed, and I learned nothing new about Christianity before I was confirmed, I was rushed through Baptism a week before being confirmed, with no preparation or teaching about what baptism involved, it was a last minute idea to get me confirmed, my concerns about Baptism were not allayed and I was under pressure to be Baptised, I was Baptised alone in a church with my abuser and two other rich old people who damaged me present. A week later, none the wiser, I was confirmed.

After Baptism and confirmation I attended Bible study and house group and was surprised and frustrated to find that neither of these things were named correctly, in both cases, it was a social group where people gossiped, whined, ranted and gave their opinion of the world, very little of the Bible was taken in, and basically Church of England people do not appear to learn the Bible, I have found over the years and even in the last few years, in a discussion, if we have to look up Bible passages, I find them or explain them and all these old Church people from Side 1 ask me if I went to Bible College or something! No, I was simply taught to read and understand the Bible properly, what on earth are you lot doing each week?!
I have to be cynical and consider that side 1's way of life doesn't represent the Bible too well, so they don't want to get too close to the Bible. But then, who am I to judge them? :)

The Diocese of Winchester.

The Diocese of Winchester is an interesting mess of side one and two. According to a Vicar, Bishop Scott-Joynt wanted to wipe side one out and have only side two, and that appears to be correct, having read his not-so circulated instructions about shaming people who didn't want to see the pews in church ripped out, they were to be 'instructed to move on' I gather.
I think he was defeating himself, it is the wealthy side one who are blindly paying to keep the corporation alive.

Jane Fisher is also a side two, a slapdash evilangelical, who preferred smartass textbook answers about abusers just being Christians who got things wrong, and making everything into incorrect theology rather than actually engaging with the abuse and my situation, a way of describing her and other side two's way of answering things is 'misplaced-wisdom-because-it-is-not-wisdom-but-that-person-is-wise-and-Christian-in-their-own-eyes-so-they-want-to-misquote-the-Bible-and-theology' and that description is very much the atmosphere and ethic of the Church of England Side Two.

In the Villages of the Diocese, Side One thrives, or doesn't, as the old wealthy villagers die off, and parishes and benefices merge, so that one priest has many many miles to cover in order to look after his parishes or benefice, and although this is not always sustainable or fair, it does happen, and it means that parishioners miss out. I have seen this firsthand, with one village complaining they never saw their rector, but their rector had five villages and every inch of land between those villages, miles apart, to cover, and yes, people missed out, it is not sustainable but it happens.

So what is the solution, move in 'Team rectors' and rip out pews, make the 'Side two' way prevail so that all the wealthy young commuters in the villages can fit church round their other commitments? Maybe, but where is God in all this? When pews are ripped out and older people start to feel unwelcome and are displaced after years, is that any better than the old and wealthy leading the Church?

This debate could go on forever and go off at many tangents but in half and hour I am back on the streets with no food or hot drinks, so it can't.

So, the Diocese of Winchester, side one dying, side two wrecking, no safeguarding officer preventing abuse, no inclusion of vulnerable people in either side, because we are simply not of use to either side.
What did the safeguarding officer do about me being abused? Make sure I was included and safe anywhere? make sure my abusers were supervised? No, because my abusers were older, influential, well-off, had positions and connections, so I was banished, maligned by the safeguarding queen and the abuse was covered up, while my abusers were protected.

Anyone can join the Church of England, there is no need for proper teaching and preparation to join, there is no explanation, you do not learn anything unless you as an individual decide to study the Bible or theology, there is no clear guidance or ethics, ie, you are not taught about what might be right and wrong sexually or integrity-wise, you are just kind of left to do your own thing, there is no collective ethic and no accountability to God or to others is taught, it is a church for the self-indulgent and it is a Church for froth and excuses and it is ideal for the well to do, because they can profess Christianity without any accountability.

And one of the reasons I was delighted to join the Catholic Church is that there is an intensive teaching period for those who wish to join, you do have to understand what you are joining and why, you do have to commit to a relationship with God, you do learn accountability and integrity, and as I have said in my open letter to the Jersey Deanery, that first lesson of accountability helped me profoundly, because it released me from the condemnation of the Diocese of Winchester.
The Catholic Church does teach ethics, it does teach that sex outside of marriage is wrong, in contrast to the Church of England  being fearful of upsetting anyone or losing any side twos, so they daren't have ethic like that, so they 'let it all hang out' really, while the Catholics are bold, the Catholics are also still one universal church rather than having the division of sides one and two, and mass is always well attended.
The Catholic Church have many ethics, including 'do not gossip, it is a sin', while the Church of England thrives on gossip, and when confronted they attack the confronter, as I know from experience.

Priests. A ploy of the CofE is to go on about Catholics only having male priests, but the Church of England are so desparate that they are pretty much recruiting anyone, many unsuitable and not commited or ethical, notably young women fresh out of college, too young to have the wisdom that Pastoring requires, but the Church/Diocese of Winchester dress this up as 'being modern' and 'look at us! Aren't we inclusive!' No, a lot of makeup and high heels is not a great way of representing God, because we have to decrease in order to increase.

So where is God in all this? This is the Church of England, God doesn't have to be in it.

Church of England, differences in Diocese

It is difficult to know where to start with this one, but I guess it is part of my safeguarding report.
The Diocese of Winchester and Other Church of England Diocese. This post is mainly about other Diocese in contrast to the Diocese of Winchester.

From age 19 to age 30 or 31, all I knew was the Diocese of Winchester, and I went from the damaging environment I grew up in almost directly into the damaging environment of the Diocese of Winchester's Churches, almost without a break, so the Church of England basically replaced the environment I grew up in.

The insular cult-type environment that I grew up in meant that I was dependent on other people and not knowing any boundaries, especially not my own, and because of the way I was brought into the Church of England and the people who brought me into the church of England, I did not start growing into a healthy adult, but instead became the bottom of the heap in the Church of England, with sexual and emotional abuse damaging me further and holding me back
But in the end, I am the one blamed, scapegoated, maligned and shunned for the stories of what has happened, while ordained and diocese-employed people who have done wrong and provoked reactions from me, have been absolved and exonorated, despite their positions of responsibility, the fact that they  are neurotypical, and the fact they have crossed and abuse boundaries while knowing what they were doing, while I was reacting to them and am not neurotypical and am damaged and have been abused.

I am scapegoated for shortcomings that in some circumstances I am not in control of, while at all times, people who have abused me and have behaved unprofessionally have been let off at my expense.

After being driven from the Diocese of Winchester by Jane Fisher in 2011, I travelled and visited other diocese, for almost the first time ever I visited other Church of England churches and saw that they were different from the Diocese of Winchester in some ways, and in a way I saw a better side of the church of England, one I didn't know existed, but on the other hand some things remained uniform of the Church of England.

One of the Diocese I visited is Chichester, and I would like to give them an honourable mention, because they have had such bad press and my experience of them was good.

As well as great care and genuine Christianity that I witnessed in the Diocese of Chichester, I also witnessed very stringent safeguarding.
I was amazed at how caring the four priests and one secretary I met in the Diocese of Chichester were, they looked at how to help me, and during the time I was with them, they helped me effectively and as a result, again I started to try and lay the foundations for a new life, which was again destroyed by Jane Fisher and Michael Scott-Joynt.
Several things stand out about Chichester, one was that one of the curates would come to the homeless daycentre and cook breakfast for the homeless, and even the toughest of them loved him, his was an example of practicing what he preached.
An example of safeguarding that strikes me was the curate telling me that the youth leader never let any of his charges out of his sight and that he would not even let them cross the church alone to go to the toilet if there was anyone in church.
Also the priests, having heard that it was the Church of England who had harmed me and left me homeless, were very open about what had happened in the Diocese of Chichester regarding abuse.
So, for all the negative publicity, Chichester deserves a cheer.

London, I was starving and I could hardly walk, I went into a church of England church and told them that my blood sugar was very low and could they help me by sparing me a cup of tea with sugar in it so that I could get the energy to get a bit further and maybe find food.
Their reaction was as far from the principles of Christianity as it is possible to get, they told me that they 'couldn't do that because they would have the homeless queing up round the block for tea if they did', which is both untrue and completely Unchristian, they seem to have forgotten what they are there for, apart from their salaries.
I think naming and shaming them would be fine, they were most rude and unhelpful, and it is not my way to ever ask for anything of anyone except in an emergency. They are that Holy Trinity Church close the junction of Oxford Street and Regent Street.
They have forgotten Christianity and think that they are a gallery instead, whilst still named as a church. Thankfully a few hundred yards up the road, the Salavtion Army, who were technically closed, rushed into action as I collapsed on their doorstep, and saved me.

It is noticable in London that every other denomination but the Church of England is out on Soup runs and soup kitchens and outreach, apart from one Church of England group who come from miles outside London to do outreach one night a week.

Church of England churches in London have such notices on the walls as the ones that warn the homeless that the walls will be washed down regularly and if they leave anything there then those things will be hosed down, basically the Church are threatening to hose homeless people's possessions down! and if Jesus was there, they would hose his possessions down. Legend has it that the people doing the hosing also hose the homeless down if they refuse to move. Where is Christianity in this?
My gratitude goes to the Catholic and Coptic Churches in London for their wonderful compassionate work with the homeless.

Moving on to other diocese, I will call the next one 'Diocese A', and tell you about the interesting paradoxes within that Diocese.
I arrived there and within days, was told about a blatant cover up by the Diocese of abuse in the Diocese, I was told of it by people who were not in the church nor related to the church in any way, when they heard that the church of England were responsible for leaving me homeless.
So that was my first experience, followed by the noticable 'dying' of the church in that diocese, ie, the churches were emptying and closing, very sad.

My first experience of a Church of England Church in this Diocese, however, was very different, and 
quite a surprise, I had mistaken an Anglo-Catholic Church for a Catholic one, and wandered in to take part in a group they ran.
I was surprised and pleased to receive a warm welcome, followed by a continued warm fellowship lasting some years until I stopped travelling back to that area.

The congregation accepted me as I was, one of the Only Church of England Churches that I have known to do that. And they said to me that they accepted me as I was, one of them, maybe a homeless one of them, but welcome and the same.
The Priest was a different matter, he tried to get rid of me, but when I spoke to my friends there about him as soon as he did, they put him in his place, and told me that priests are dispensible and the Church is the people, not the priest and that he would go eventually, as priests come and go, but that the congregation were the church and they welcomed me, and that was certainly the case. Credit to them.
Anyway, the priest, once put in his place, never troubled me again, he was not a happy man and was reputed to have an alcohol problem, and this rumour was backed up by witnesses to him staggering trhough town drunk, the witnesses included me, and he was known for hurting feelings, so it wasn't just me, I think he would have been happier if he had had a career change, but I think the free house and expenses draws and keeps many unsuitable priests.
But, credit to that church, they brought me great comfort and relief both with their fellowship and the discussions that helped me to see that not all is bad in the Church of England.
And although I was in a minority there with regards vulnerable and isolated people, I wasn't the only one, but as with all Anglican Churches, the congregation was mainly elderly, wealthy and middle class.

Another Church in this diocese used to make my blood boil, it was a 'show' church, full of finery and ornaments and gilding, and yet it was deeply in debt, but this didn't change the fact that the really pompous and aristocratic people made up the congregation, and they used to pick up their handbags and posessions if I or another homeless person came in to shelter. 
I do not understand why the Church of England think they are doing anything remotely honouring to God by keeping such places alive.

In the same Diocese was a church that used to kindly reach out and hand me cups of tea if I wandered past, credit to them, they were ok, if a little bit narrow, they did some basic outreach but they were also a dying church and they seemed so removed from society.
I remember how they were always trying to repair their church and I used to be so cross because, as is a church of England habit, when a Church is trying to fund-raise, they turn services and sermons into fundraising exercises, which seems very inappropriate, especially as Jesus went into the temple and turned the tables over in anger that His Father's House was being Used in this way, and as the Church of England itself is a very wealthy organization, which is also registered as a charity, but yet owns so much land and property, no church should be manipulating their congregation in order to raise extra money during a time when God and His Word should be what the teaching is about.

Further into this Diocese, another show church was really very rude indeed when I came in for shelter, unprovoked, and I made a complaint to the priest.

And then I met a safeguarding issue in another church, (bear in mind I am talking a whole diocese here, not one town), I went to a church where they were doing an evening service and I went in, it was such a lost church, like most in that diocese, it all seemed to belong in the past, not the now. Anyway, this man approached me alone, and he asked questions and asked if I was homeless and things, and invited me home, to which I said no.
He kept badgering me to go home with him and kept getting a no.
He said that he was quite honest and that I should stay with him.
I said no again, and he said he would show me he was honest and he said to one of the choir who was passing 'I am quite honest aren't I?' but didn't tell them he was inviting me home, they kind of vaguely answered, and I wondered how much attention was being paid to what this man was doing, as he continued to come after me alone in this big church, where the evening service seemed mainly to be a choir and no congregation or minister and this man was just wandering around on his own.

It makes me sad to remember how that diocese's churches seem kind of left behind and dying, and yet there was some good there that triumphed over the impression of the Church of England that the Diocese of Winchester had given me.

Diocese B.
Well this was an interesting one, the church of England had almost no presence in this diocese.
My first interaction with them was when I asked two anglican priests who were having coffee at a cafe, where the town's daycentre was, and they didn't have a clue, they were not even sure if there was one, in the end they sent me on a futile walk for miles to a place that didn't exist.

The only other place I encountered the church of England in that diocese was a cold and unwelcoming 'Christian Cafe' in the town, mainly frequented by people on the team that ran the cafe, elderly people, it was uninspiring and not the best value for money in town.

I was a Catholic by then, but that town and Diocese seemed to have a church of England minority, with other denominations better represented.

Diocese C. 

This was a Diocese that presented themselves well in inclusion, compassion and safeguarding. Credit to them.
They started and continued well.
I arrived in this town and the first person I met was someone from a Church of England Church, as I had heard that that church ran a homeless outreach, so I walked up to the church and a lady was coming out of Church, she said to me 'can I help you?', she said it in a genuine and not patronizing way, and I explained to her that I had heard they did outreach there. She didn't know about outreach but she invited me to have a coffee with her in the cafe across the road. So we had a coffee, and she said I should ask at the church office about outreach when the office was open.

She and I regularly met for a coffee after that, often after we attended 8am communion in Wednesday and Sunday, she became a 'friend', someone I knew and could chat with.
She and I came up with the theory that 'denomination doesn't matter, where compassion is practiced, that is where Christianity is', and her church certainly practiced compassion.

I did ask at the church office about the outreach and was enrolled for help from them, and they were great.
The church was open every day, and the staff were very kind to the homeless, providing hot srinks and a listening ear, and sometimes providing things that people needed, on a small scale. They were always kind to me, and when I left the town I made sure that they knew that their work was appreciated, I remember the response of one of them, he said about how they had a choice to just do their job or to do their job with love, and so they did it with love. Credit to them.

That town had a group of compassionate churches and I can't fault them, I don't remember any diocese of Winchester related fears or flashbacks while I visited the churches there, apart from one thing, a man who claimed to be a homeless worker, who attended one of the churches, started getting close to boundaries by involving himself in my life and trying to steer me and taking me away from church to a garden where we were alone and trying to do his version of therapy on me, this very swiftly started to cause me deep concern and disturbance, and I told someone about it and they reported him to safeguarding, who IMMEDIATELY put a stop to his actions and said that he would not be allowed to do something like that again.
After the mess in the Diocese of Winchester, I have never seen a safeguarding action so swift and so firm, it took them days, not years like the Diocese, and this time safeguarding did nothing at all to hurt me.

The only other note about that diocese is that they had a reader who was an alcoholic, who admitted he was an alcoholic and that it affected his attitude sometimes, but neither he nor anyone did anything about it.

So I left that diocese with a good impression of their churches. The basics of good churches are there.

Diocese D.

This one is fairly simple. The Anglican churches there are kind of inconspicuous, I wouldn't have known where Church of England church in that Diocese or town were, except the show church in town, which I never went in, they did no outreach, were not involved with the homeless or anything else, the town had a Catholic lean and I will always remember the Catholics there helping me and also seeing a Catholic priest with his robes and dog collar under his coat, serving soup to the homeless.
But I had no other contact with the Church of England there, because they were hardly there.

Diocese E.

This one was an interesting cross between Diocese of Winchester lean and some good as well.

They were somewhat involved with the homeless but in a clumsy way that didn't help me. They tried to tell me where to sleep, which is simply a no for a rough sleeper, and the places they suggested were not safe.
The congregations in this diocese were a mixture of kind and accepting, and people who had no idea about the homeless and gave the message loud and clear that they didn't welcome a homeless person or see them as a real human being.
There were some well-meaning clergy, and although the one I had the most contact with was obviously very worried about me being a liability when they found out it had been the church of England who had left me homeless. I liked them.
A real see-saw diocese, very much imitating the Diocese of Winchester in things like Safeguarding and accountability and inclusion, not good, but also with a good side, a kind side, a root in Christianity.

In conclusion, these were the other Diocese, I will look at the Diocese of Winchester again next. One common theme in every church and every diocese is that the majority of people are older, usually well off and generally lacking in understanding of the problems faced by the minorities who come to their churches, and I think this blindness to the bad side of church and the faith in the hierachy that these older people have, is part of what is preventing churches from being safe places for the vulnerable.
Diocese C, mentioned above, have quite a revolutionary attitude, and if the Church of England could start steering towards that, it might significantly help, but is it worth their while? And how do you get the old and the set in their ways to change?

cover ups and smears

Good morning,
I guess I had better make a start on some blogwork today, mainly because of the trauma and exhaustion this whole matter has brought on, it is hard to work with it.
I gather that my letter has caused certainly people to turn purple and snort and huff, as is the way of a certain class of people when their 'dignity is affronted' (that is such a cool phrase).

Basically it remains the case that this whole matter is too much of a burden to me and shouldn't have been placed on me at all, it was in the past, unresolved as it was, but it isn't going to be better resolved the way it is being handled.

So, apart from starting to bring you full postings of my experience, I guess I should start telling you some of the myths I have been hearing and setting them, and the Korris report straight again.

I guess I had also better say that the JEP is not known as Jersey's Evening Propaganda for nothing, if it is in their interests or the interests of anyone connected to them, then they can distort a story beyond recognition, they are also famous for refusing to allow comments about some subjects or only publishing comments that bias to one side of things, for example, in my case, they only go against me and allow comments and letters against me. Although, they have published some of Bob Hill's letters, but have 'clipped' his letters and refused to allow his mention of my arrest and 'deportation'.

Is it surprising? The JEP is overseen by the brother of the churchwarden who abused me.
He also seems to have his share of problems.

I think it was Bruce Willing who claimed that I was going for compensation from the Diocese of Winchester.
This is completely unfounded, the last thing I would do, mainly because the Diocese are a business, a vicious, callous corporation, and I am very tired, I would not be able to go up against them.
When this whole wretched story broke and turned my life upside down, several people approached me to offer to assist me in getting compensation and arranging the help I needed to do so, but I said no thank you, because all the money in the world would not undo what has been done, and all the money in the world would not restore my health that would be further harmed by the attempt to sue the diocese, and I can muster no interest in sueing them, because it would not change them or restore me.
So let's bust the sueing myth now.

Bruce Willing claims I have made numerous previous complaints in Hampshire and Guernsey, but actually the diocese of Winchester can't lie and say that there were any complaints made previous to my complaint about the churchwarden in Jersey, any subsequent complaints that are considered to exist would be because people who have previously harmed me have involved themselves in the Jersey complaint.

letter to Bishop Dakin 2

Dear Bishop Tim, 

You are responsible both for the smear campaign in Jersey where people representing the Jersey Deanery which you oversee have repeatedly slandered and libelled me to the press and public and have drowned out my side of things by doing so, and also the fact that the investigations which you launched are omitting my side of things and basically, in these two things, even though I am already destroyed you are setting me up to be completely and iirepparably publicly ruined, even though there is no way I can recover from what your diocese has already done.

If you believe yourself to have any honest and right reasons in this whole terrible mess, you need to respond immediately in stopping the hate campaign and ensuring either that I get a fair hearing now, or that another enquiry is done to counter the current mess, and this time include my views, I have no choice but to proceed with my own public reporting to counter the harm you have done to me by allowing the smear campaign and the conflicted enquiry.

It is ludicrous that Dame Steel is allowed to proceed when she was advertised as representing the Jersey churches and also the way she has behaved in trying to illegally get my records, snubbing me and then in response to my concerns, deciding to walk away instead of giving the assurance that she is neutral.

You have severely psychologically harmed me, and despite my concerns since March, you have done nothing to resolve things, despite knowing that Bob Hill is there for you to communicate with and resolve things,

sincerely,

letter to Bishop Dakin

Dear Bishop Tim,

I have already made a number of complaints to you about your needless acts of wrecking and hatred in my life since march this year.

But as those complaints continue to be ignored and I continue to suffer worse and worse as a result of your blatant acts of stupidity and cruelty I am again writing to you in the form of a formal complaint.

As I continued to suffer the hate campaign at the hands of the Jersey Deanery, the one you sparked off with the most profoundly stupid and badly thought out and irrelevant report and investigation the Church of England has ever seen, I wrote an open letter, to no avail whatsoever, to try and stop the massive psychological harm that the hate campaign was causing me, while you stood by and let it.

This is the hate campaign that you denied while threatening me.

That hate campaign coupled with you allowing the even more enormous harm of allowing someone who is on the side of, and representing, the same wrongdoers, and arranging for her to access my records against my wishes with the states of Jersey police who have harmed me, has led to massive psychological harm to me.

The damage you have done is not only irreparable but you have also, by this prolonged charade, which started in March, and it is now October, prevented me from living any form of normal life, you have also prevented me from receiving trauma therapy, because the ongoing harm to me and the instability it has caused in my life means that having trauma therapy is not safe, as trauma therapy is traumatic itself. My psychologist has recorded very worrying levels of trauma on the trauma assesment, with some scores a long way above the clinical cut off score, but we are stuck because you are harming me and while you are harming me we cannot transfer me to trauma therapy, and it is hard enough for psychological therapy to proceed.

I have got to breaking point, because although there is no point in education and enrichment in my life since you gave me a criminal record, I was occupying myself as best I could with college and activities and preparing for a repeat sponsored walk that was extremely successful last year and raised hundreds for charity, I was also receiving support and therapy.

Your ongoing damage to me has meant I have had to stop all my activities and therapy and care, because I cannot cope with them and the harm you are inflicting both by not withdrawing a blatantly conflicted enquiry that omits my side of things due to the investigator being someone I will not see because she is conflicted, and because the hate campaign is damaging my soul beyond repair while you sit back and let it.

You made it very clear from the start that you do not care about me, that you have no interest in my story, my welfare, or justice for me, so why are you allowing Dame Heather Steel and the Jersey Deanery who she is advertised as representing, ruin me?

You allowed Jane Fisher, who I have had a formal complaint against since 2009 and who has destroyed me since then, to proceed to be involved and launch the Korris report publicly and leave me publicly damned, the church of england have never before inflicted such a horrific punishment on a victim as that, on top of the unspeakable damage done to me previously by Fisher, and yet, despite the complaint against her, she was allowed to proceed with the Korris report and omit her own bad behaviour at my expense! And publish that shameful rubbish for the world to see!

And what did you do? attacked me suddenly with the police, spewed the whole lot all over the press at my expense, then you refused to communicate, then you threatened me, tried to deny the hate campaign, reinstated and cleared the Dean and comissioned a conflicted report.

8 months later and having ignored every complaint you have received, you have utterly destroyed my efforts to build some sort of life in the ruins of Jane Fisher's destroyal of me, you have let me be publicly ruined by the deanery who you attacked while using me as a pawn against them.

You have not done anything about the injustice of Jane Fisher and Micheal Scott-Joynt ruining me, you have not done anything about the Jersey Deanery, you have ensured that nothing ever will be done, when their friend Dame Steel who is advertised as representing them deals the final blow against me for them, publicly like that Korris report that you used to publicly ruin me.

Dame Steel having been allowed to proceed while complaints have been ignored, has been allowed to omit my evidence because she and you could not be bothered to allay concerns about her very obvious conflict.

Dame Steel who deliberatly ignored all communication from Bob and is about to publish her destroyal of me that was arranged with the police who harmed me and kept inaccurate records, and the deanery who she represents while she is supposed to be investigating them,  but the puzzling thing is, why if she was not investigating my deportation, because her close colleague Bailhache wont allow it, did she try to illegally access my court records without my permission?

Tell me why: You have publicly destroyed me with the Korris report and the conflicted enquiry that hijacks and rubbishes my complaints, you have prevented justice or any healing for me, you have inflicted massive psychological harm on me, you have left me so maligned and ruined that there is no comeback, and you have left me waiting for Steel to destroy me and absolve the wrongdoers?!

Why did you not just leave me alone to scrape a life out of the ruins of what Jane Fisher has done to destroy me, and deal with your clergy in a proper and private matter rather than attacking the whole lot and leaving the laity who have done wrong out of it and sparking a hate campaign which cannot ever be undone or healed, while you stood by and let me be ruined and let a PR Firm badly run your business for you, and lie about personally apologizing!

You have inflicted massive massive damage on someone who was already utterly ruined, and this is inexcusable, you have left it so that my side of things is completely omitted and you have done nothing about the injustices I have suffered or the lack of safeguarding in your diocese or the fact that your safeguarding officer is an abuser who has ruined an abuse victim and there has been a formal complaint against her for four years and yet instead of suspending her and making her apologize, not that it would restore me, you let her lead this massively damaging attack on me, and took her advice, the results of which show why there is a complaint against her, which remains undealtwith, while she continues to work with, and be a danger to, vulnerable people.

Bishop Dakin, this whole matter is an utter, unspeakable disgrace, and I know you don't care because your threatening of me in the beginning, for being asked not to violate my life again, says it all.

My side in this has not been relevant to ANYONE in the church of england or the enquiry and you could have wasted money some other way without causing massive psychological damage to someon already destroyed and in severe difficulties.

Apparently Dame Heather Steel is finally contacting Bob Hill but is in 'The closing Stages of her report' ie she is going to be allowed to proceed to destroy me and nothing has been done, she has not got my evidence and has not attempted to resolve the concerns that prevent my evidence being heard.
She tells Bob Hill that she was not supposed to investigate my deportartion.
So WHY did she attempt to access my court records without my permission.
Why exactly did the diocese of Winchester need to trace me, threaten me and stitch me up through Steel?
Email to the OJC, police and Bishop of Winchester,

I made a complaint of harrassment about Dame Steel and she is being allowed to proceed and destroy me further through a report that has hijacked my complaint and does not contain my evidence, why is my complaint against her conflicted involvement being ignored when I have made this complaint repeatedly and she is advertised as representing the Jersey deanery and has not got my evidence and has been aware of my concerns all along, as have the diocese, and nothing has been done!

I have made a formal complaint against Steel for the severe psychological harm she has inflicted by proceeding when she is conflicted and thus hijacking my complaint and ensuring that I cannot give evidence.
apparently she is in the 'closing stages' of this form of inflicting harm and preventing my complaint.
I know the diocese are criminally negligent and have been hell-bent on destroying me, but this Dame Steel thing is henious and I want her arrested.
I want her prevented from harming me and p[ublishing a report that is ludicrously supposed to be about my complaing even though she represents the Jersey Deanery and is conflicted and will harm me and will have absolved the wrongdoers at my expense.
Why is it that the OJC got this complaint months ago and have still not adequately dealt with it and prevented this woman from destroying me for the diocese who have already destroyed me?
Why is it that the police are criminally negligent in allowing this harm to me?
I have had to give up college and my sponsored walk and pastoral care and therapy while the continued distress of this, coupled with the Jersey Deanery smear campaign, continues to wreck my life.
Not that anything is worth anything since jane Fisher had me destroyed in Jersey and Winchester and Sussex.

The horrendous end time in Jersey

Arrest, court, imprisonment, court, deportation.

I feel the need to briefly describe things in months running up to the arrest. But I can only be brief as it is too traumatic and I am still dissociating.

Jane Fisher was very much involving herself in my life against my wishes, mainly through my former friend Tracy leCouter, the curate at St. Clements church. Tracy had been my good and trusted friend until Jane Fisher get involved and also let the Dean know where I was worshipping. Which instantly left me feeling completely unable to worship there or be welcome and again my complaint against the Dean seemed to be invalidated, which ,made me furious.
Why tell someone I had complained about, who was in touch with the people who abused me and on their side, where I was worshipping, so I could again be treated badly and left outcast?
Anyway, in this time, the sadness and confusion led to me going to Tracy’s house to ask why it was all like this, and to ask her to stop communicating with Jane Fisher about me.
Tracy was hostile and made me out to be mentally ill, claiming it was only my paranoia about the Dean and Jane Fisher and that I was still welcome in St. Clements, even though I explained to her that I could not feel welcome under the circumstances. I begged her to stop being in contact with Jane Fisher.
She said no, and that she was going to phone Jane Fisher as soon as I had gone.
I told her I could not live with this.
I told her about the Dean calling me wicked and saying I was not abused and she repeated what Jane Fisher had previously said to me ‘we do not know what was said when you went to the Dean’s house’

- I had gone to the Dean’s house because Lou Scott-Joynt said ‘oh, what did Bob do?’ as if he had done nothing wrong. And I had said to the Dean that the way he had behaved was wrong and wicked, this is when he called me wicked and talked about the Lihous and Juliet and made out that that was all the same thing as what had happened with the Avertys, and he said I was not abused. It is claimed in court that I went there swearing and shouting, which I didn’t.

Anyway, Tracy and Jane Fisher then called the police, claiming that I was suicidal. Because I had said I couldn’t live with this.
The police turned up, shocking me and startling my landlady.
They spoke to me outside and I said that there was nothing to worry about and that Jane Fisher was manipulating Tracy and driving me mad.
I also told the police that the fact that they had turned up had put my tenancy in danger.
The policewoman replied ‘Lie to your landlady and tell her that we came to see you because you were a witness to something’.

I was shocked that a policewoman could tell someone to lie. But I did as she said, which proved to be to my detriment when the police were next sent round by Jane Fisher.

That evening I fled the Island. I was at breaking point, I had been called wicked by the Dean, nothing was being done, I was truly in a bad way.  I had not been able to go Tracy’s ordination as the Avertys and the Dean had been there. I had been without hope for so long and things were only getting worse. The Bishop who had seen me briefly had said he would see me when he came to do Tracy’s ordination but he did not and would not. He had only seen me briefly in a set-up meeting previously that I had been lied to about.

In England I was in collapse and at present I am struggling to remember it. I stayed with my friends but they were going away on holiday and were sure I was a high risk of suicide and so they changed their minds about leaving me alone in their house while they were away.
My friend Anne, who was not one of the friends I was staying with, was dying of cancer, Tracy and Jane Fisher knew about this and tried to use it as the reason I was having a breakdown and had fled the island. This made me angry.

Jane Fisher reported me missing when I was not missing and she had not made any attempt to contact me. So the police turned up at my house in Jersey where I still had my tenancy and had told my landlady that I was going to see my dying friend. So my landlady was made aware of the church and police’s version of things, but to her credit she didn’t kick me out.

I attempted suicide and was traced and taken to hospital. Hampshire police contacted Jersey police and were told a load of completely incomprehensible things and a psychological report was written based on that and not on what I had told the assessor.
According to Jersey police I was wanted  for criminal damage to a car. This caused me to collapse further because I had not damaged a car, this report by the police turned out to be untrue, there was nothing on me for damaging cars. I gather this was an attempt by the Avertys, as I later saw their car and it was all smashed in at the back, but I was certainly nothing to do with that. I may be angry but I would not ram a car deliberately and damage my own car. I guess I will never know what that was about.

Anyway, this criminal damage allegation never went any further.
The psychological report, though completely inaccurate and based on what the police said and not what I said, exonerated the Dean, Jane Fisher, Tracy and the church, even though I had made it quite clear that this was what caused the distress I was in. The report tried to make me out to be grieving for my Dad and claimed I had been close to him, even though I had stated that I hadn’t always been close to him.

I was furious but was beginning to realise that I would be gagged and the Church of England exonerated no matter who I turned to.
However, a very long time later, due to trauma and circumstances delaying it, I did manage to add an amendment to the report, which stated the Dean and the church as the cause of my distress.

Anyway, the assessing team said I was not mentally ill but was distressed and vulnerable and they were reluctant to let me go as I had nowhere to go, but they also could not admit me as I was not mentally ill.
Once assessed, they allowed me to go and see my friend Anne, who was seriously ill in the same hospital and then arrangements were made for me to go and stay with some other friends.

I stayed with my friends, vulnerable and absolutely traumatized and having been told that I was facing a warning on behalf of the Dean when I returned to Jersey.
But on return to Jersey I was told that the bit of paper was not a warning, that the matter with the Dean had been swept under the carpet and that the bit of paper that the victim support worker signed on my behalf was about Jane Fisher and the Bishop and that it not even a warning and wasn’t on my file and that it was about getting two sides of things and that I had been phoning and emailing the Bishop out of office hours. It seemed senseless to me, the Bishop’s wife had told me I could phone out of office hours and she phoned me out of office hours, so did Jane Fisher, and Jane Fisher emailed me when it suited her.
The policeman said it didn’t even go on my record.
This is an accurate account of what happened to me. I was not given a warning about the Dean, although I was told I was going to be. Even though the Dean and his wife had been so unreasonable and I had gone to them because I was horrified that despite persisting with a complaint against the Dean, I gathered from what Lou Scott-Joynt said, that my complaint had not been taken seriously.

Eventually I returned to my lodgings and my work, both of which I had nearly lost. But I was a broken person by the time I returned from England to Jersey.
My car had broken beyond repair while in England. The money saved to repair it had gone on my fare to England. So on return to Jersey I was unable to return to my cash-in-hand work and I was not as useful to my main employers due to being unable to travel to the garden centre for things I needed and unable to take machinery to the dealers for repairs and servicing, and all other tasks that required a car were now beyond me. I was handicapped by the lack of the car.

I was furious with the Diocese for everything, I knew that things were not and had not been done properly, and I did not understand why I had been given a warning for contacting the diocese while they had apparently had me reported missing for not contacting them and why they were apparently still handling my complaint but having me warned by the police for contacting them about it and for contacting Lou Scott-Joynt when she was supposed to be ‘helping me’.

Anyway, I was now attending St. Brelades church, but they were very quickly ‘made aware of me’, by Jane Fisher/Bob Key and I was safeguarded against and reprimanded by Mark Bond and Judith Davey, to whom I replied that there were two sides of things, they did actually listen to that but they did share hurtful things they had been told. I will go into more detail of that at a later date as it is distressing and needs to be part of my statement about the churches in Jersey.
But to add, Mark Bond and his wife were friends with the Dean and would have him round for supper when his wife (who they said was the real Dean of Jersey) was away. Mark Bond made me aware of this friendship early on and I said I did not like the Dean and please could mark not discuss me with him? Mark replied that he and the Dean had a different theology and saw things differently.
I was upset that I had not escaped the Dean/Jane Fisher intrusion and influence on my worship, and that nothing appeared to be being done about my complaints and instead of anything being done about the Avertys and the Dean, the Bishop and Jane Fisher had got me into police trouble and damaged my work and home and worship and relationships.

It was September, the Bishop was in the island and though he made no effort at all to meet with me or communicate, he was at the Deanery, with the Dean, allied, while I was left shamed because he had had me in police trouble and I was being shamed whatever church I went to, shamed by Mark Bond and Judith Davey at the same time as them trying to help me. But it was too late for help now. I was waiting to die. My biggest regret at that time was that the suicide attempt had not worked.
Mark Bond said that many people actually gave up and waited to die or tried to speed the process up, he said that his mother did, she tried to drink and smoke herself to death.

The Bishop then apparently said to Judith Davey at a review at the Deanery that he was ‘grateful to her for helping me’.  I was furious, as far as I was concerned no one I was maligned to could help me and it was too late and there was the Bishop sitting at the Deanery with the Dean, talking about me, letting me be given a bad name and refusing to even communicate with me about my complaint.

I snapped, I phoned the Deanery and was furious and said the Bishop should be leaving his meeting in an ambulance or something.
The record of this that was read in court was incorrect, the time they stated was a few hours wrong and I cannot remember what else was inaccurate, I did lose my temper and say things I shouldn’t but that was in one phonecall, the only one I had made to the Deanery in months and again the report in court was inaccurate.
The only other person I think I emailed was Jane Fisher. But I was beyond anything by then. Anne was in hospital in a serious condition because the doctors could not get a needle or line into her to do dialysis and this seemed like the end for her, the end with Jane Fisher and the Diocese having intervened in my friendship with Anne as she was dying and having used Anne as an excuse for my breakdown, as well as trying to imply to me and others that I was seriously mentally ill.

The next morning I was due to be working on a volunteer project all day. But I was now in collapse and had not actually known what to do after making contact with the Deanery and Jane Fisher, nearly throwing myself into the sea but also knowing that this matter was unfinished and I was unheard and thus I needed somehow to find someone who would bring justice.

I was arrested.
But it was a mess.
Some police officers came into the house early on Sunday morning. They asked if I was ****** who owned a blue Rover metro, registration plate *******, I was puzzled and told them that the car had been scrapped.
The officer didn’t seem to know what to say and claimed he was making conversation or something.
Then the other officer came in but they remained unclear.
They searched my room, claiming to be looking for ‘computer equipment’ or something.
Money on my table went missing and was not seen again and I was powerless to report it later as I was homeless in England and treated as if I was mad anyway.

The police were not clear with me, they put me in the police car and spoke to my landlady. The police could not clearly tell me whether it was the Dean or the Bishop who was having me arrested, they mentioned both, alternately, and I think they mentioned Jane Fisher as well but I am not sure. I kept asking them who I was being arrested for, but they remained unclear.

In the police station and before, I was handled roughly. When I had been arrested I had not been wearing a bra, and I felt very vulnerable. I had gone to sleep in my semi-pyjama outfit, my leggings were tracksuit that I used as pyjamas normally, my top was my daytime jumper and I had socks and shoes and knickers on but not a bra.

The custody sargent knew me from elsewhere and jeered and claimed I was not autistic ‘because I could carry on a conversation’.
I do not recall what happened properly. They said I had an appropriate adult on record who now refused to act for me, they treated that as if it was my fault and I was bad, the appropriate adult would either have been Philip LeClaire, who no longer worked for Autism Jersey, or the Victim support worker who was phoning me when she was drunk and causing me problems so I said she wasn’t to work with me.
But I was treated as if it was my fault. I do not know what paperwork was done or what happened. I remember being dragged and carried and thrown about.
I remember being dizzy.
I remember calling out for my Dad in Hebrew, his preferred language ‘Abba, Abba, Eyphoh, eyphoh?’ because I remembered my Dad telling me that when he was in a police cell he felt at risk from harm from the police and so he walked round his cell singing praise to God all night and the police didn’t touch him.

I remember knowing that I had no hope at all, that Bob key had won completely in his battle to avoid accountability, and no matter what happened now, I would never have a clean record or quality of life again.
I still did not know whether the Bishop, Jane Fisher or Bob Key had had me arrested, or all three.

I fell.
I do not know what happened or how time passed.

The custody sargent who knew me was jeering at me through the cell door.
I was sick but I had only had water and the sick went in my hair.

I was not fully awake most of the time I was there and I do not know how long I was in a cell for. I suffer claustrophobia.
The Doctor who had been there to assess me when the Avertys complained about me was there, he was jeering. As were the police, they talked about putting a needle in my eye to wake me up and stripping me and putting me in a cell suit, but I couldn’t properly wake and tell them that I was not feeling well.
One of them, a police or a doctor, took hold of me by the chest and pulled me. I couldn’t wake but I kind of knew they were there.
They did something else to try and wake me but I didn’t feel it. I knew they were there and then I knew nothing.
Someone spoke to me by name and said a man was there who would get me out of there or something. But I couldn’t wake.
Someone spoke and told me they would be back in the morning, I think it was the Doctor.

I woke, I do not know when. Someone spoke, he was sitting in the doorway on something.
He said he was the St. Helier Centenier. He said he was charging me, something to do with the Dean. No one else was in the room or present that I could see, unless they were in the corridor.
I did know that the centenier would be a close colleague of Bob key and with him at liberation day and all events like that, and probably even part of his church.
I don’t remember after that.

It was morning and the custody sargent who jeered was saying something to me about me ending up in LaMoye if I didn’t respond.
I was awake.
He said something about a doctor.
I tried to get up.
I tried to walk myself to the doctor, the police would not keep their hands off me.
I do not know what the doctor said, apart from saying something about me ‘freshening up’. I did not know what was expected of me or what I was being asked.
I did not do the freshening up, I did not know what it meant. There was no one to tell me and no one who cared. There was no appropriate adult.
I was taken back to the cell.
I do not know or understand what that was about.
I did not eat or drink, I was terrified out of my mind on top of knowing that Anne might be dead and that I was never going to be ok again.

I was roughly treated further and locked in a tiny cage in a police van. I think it was this time but it might have been coming away from LaMoye that I was whimpering in terror and a man in another of the cages in the van shouted out ‘Is it your first time, love? Don’t worry, you get used to it’.
I couldn’t imagine how anyone could ‘get used to’ being bad and almost be matter of fact about it.

I continued to be brutally treated and dragged by my arms by the police, my upper arms are very sensitive indeed, and I tried to tell the police this and told them I was autistic and they said I wasn’t and they said that everyone makes excuses and they flung me on the floor of a cell in the court. I stayed on the floor.

I do not know how long I was there, the other people in cells asked for coffee and toilet paper and things as if this was all normal and ok.

I was taken to a room, the woman there was the other side of a barrier and I could not hear her and she could not hear me.
So she was allowed to sit with me.
She told me I had been bad. That I had done bad things and no matter what had happened to me I was in the wrong.
I told her there was more to it than that. I told her I had been abused and that the Dean and Diocese had been unhelpful and I hadn’t been able to cope. I did my best to explain in the state I was in. But as far as she was concerned I was bad.

She told me that I was to ‘reserve my plea’ in court and that bail meant I might have to hand in my passport and have a curfew.
I did not know what all of it meant but I was only doing as I was told.

So I did as I was told in court and no one told me how to address the judge but I think I called him ‘Sir’.
I knew it could have been bad being in court because Bridget Shaw, the wife of the Rector of St. Clements was the main magistrate then, but I don’t think she was in court, I do not know who was.

The person in court claimed I had gone to the Deanery swearing and shouting when I had not, and made it sound like I had been phoning them all the time and stopped when I was given a warning, but I had not been given a warning and I was not phoning the Dean all the time and then they said I stopped when I was given the warning until that time I phoned about the Bishop the previous day, but they gave a very very inaccurate time of me phoning the Deanery. And other innacuracies but I cannot remember. I do know it did not describe things.


The court told the police to phone my work and home to see if they would accept me back, but I knew that was bad because the police had treated me bad so far and never understood me. I could imagine that I would not be allowed home and I knew I would lose my job because I worked for a nursing home and everyone’s contract said that if you got in police trouble you were likely to lose your job.
I was put back in the cells while the police did that, I do not know how long for.

I was put back in court and I do not understand all of what was said but my landlady would not have me back so I was sent to prison.

I was put in the police van, I seem to remember that they let me walk this time and were not too brutal letting me get in the police van.
When I got taken to the prison I was terrified.
I thought I was going to be knocked about more. I did not have my glasses and had not seen those since I had got put in the police cell and I could hardly see without them.

When I got took to the prison. I was put in a room with benches and they tried to give me a hot drink but I was terrified because I was trapped, in prison, bad, never good again, it was the end of me. I did not know that prison staff are different from police and could be ok.

A female prison warder spoke to me, she said something like ‘Hi mate, do you smoke? Shall we go and have a fag and a chat?’ This was so very different from the police brutality that I was shocked, I was in prison and was being spoken to as if I was a real person and as if everything was ok.
I do not remember if I even responded, I returned to the kind of semi-conscious state, I don’t know if I fell or crawled but I was under a bench.
I know what exactly happened but the prison staff, instead of being brutal, seemed baffled, and I heard someone say they thought I had fainted and someone say ‘…then she was under the bench’.
The female warder came back and said to me something like ‘you look like you need a good sleep, maybe a nice shower and a good sleep’ and I went with her and she found me some prison tracksuit clothes and showed me to the shower, but I didn’t want a shower when I was being watched, I am a very very private and modest person and I never show my body to anyone.
The lady said she would let me shower without watching, but she wasn’t completely truthful because she did watch and later told the prison records person that she didn’t see any scars on me when I was showering. I didn’t know if the scars I do have were important enough to record.

Anyway I showered myself and was grateful, I was indeed in need of a shower and I went through my routine of washing everything three times, until the lady said ‘that’s enough!’ and I felt embarrassed.

Then I put on the grey tracksuit and she let some male prison officers take charge and they took hold of me and I completely freaked out and they were dragging me and calling for backup but the lady prison officer said to them ‘no, let her go, it’s because you are male, let her go and it will be ok’ and they did and she walked with me to where the cell was in the remand wing where there was only one other prisoner.

They put me in a cell and I went to sleep. There was almost nothing in the cell and only basic bedding which was supposed to be safety bedding so I could not hurt myself.
I went to sleep and I needed to sleep, I was exhausted.
But the man kept coming past and tapping on the door and asking if I was ok? I think, or apparently he did a thumbs up sign at me but I hadn’t got my glasses and I couldn’t see him but he thought I knew he did the thumbs up sign.

Everything is a blur but I am not sure where anything fits in place after that but there is a lot to write.

I could not see very much and I did not always know what was expected of me and I wasn’t always told, nor was I told the prison routine and sometimes that was a problem.

I am terrified of people standing in doorways and the staff always stood in the doorway, basically I was now living all my worst fears.

There were a number of staff and my ability to recognize people is impaired anyway and without glasses at first I could not tell who was who.
The female member of staff who had been involved so far continued to work with me, she had been told or realised that I was autistic and made an effort to ensure that I understood her.
There was another female member of staff who also made an effort.
I kept hiding in a with my blanket over my head, but they said I should not do this because they were meant to observe me and me going in the corner was making observation difficult.
I tried to be co-operative but I was utterly petrified and hiding in the corner under the blanket was my way of trying to be safe.

They kept bringing me food and drinks and I was not hungry but kept being sick or ‘bringing up food’ - I will explain in a minute.
They kept urging me to eat, and they were not the police, they were genuinely trying to help, so I did my best to co-operate even though I was not hungry.

There was a video camera in the cell, I was on camera all the time and so I was embarrassed to go to the toilet. One of the male staff asked if I was ‘making myself sick’ and I assured them that I was not.
Within a few days the female warders were taking me out of my cell to encourage me to help them when they made me a hot drink.
The drink was made in a blue plastic mug and was made with powdered milk and I realised that the milk might be contributing to the problems.
I told them nervously that I might be being sick because I couldn’t digest powdered milk. They responded by arranging for some proper milk for my tea.

They tried to encourage me to come outdoors for exercise and I told them I would go mad with grief if I was taken outside but not free.
They also turned up with my glasses and asked why I had not asked for them, I responded that I had not known that I was allowed my glasses, I had not known where they were and had written them off as lost.
I did not want to wear my glasses at first as I did not want to see that I was trapped.
I was in a bare cell and under watch all the time.
But the staff were aware that I was terrified and were trying to help.

The church of England chaplain was sent, I do not remember if I asked or not. But when she came, I was under my blanket in the corner of the cell floor.
The staff tried to get me to poke my head out of the blanket, and they told me the chaplain had come to help.
She was wearing a green shirt.
I said ‘dog collar?’ and she said ‘yes’, and I said ‘Bible?’ she said yes and asked if I wanted a Bible, I said I did.
I was not comfortable about seeing a Church of England chaplain and had a feeling that any church of England chaplain would be linked to Bob Key and others in the island churches who had hurt me, at the time I didn’t think Jane Fisher, but I should have done when later on, when I specifically asked to see a methodist or Catholic chaplain (the prison had both), the church of England chaplain continued to turn up despite me being specific and again the ‘forcing on me’ which is typical of Jane Fisher, meant that this Church of England chaplin kept coming.
It is like being raped, every time Jane Fisher exposes and violates me trhough other people.

Anyway. The staff at LaMoye continued to try and help me, but some things were not explained to me at all, including that they have a ‘lockdown’ once a week when all staff are in a meeting and they do not even provide breakfast, or didn’t to me when it was like that.
My blood sugar drops when I don’t eat, and I am not supposed to fast because I become ill. So that didn’t help. And I didn’t know about it. No-one formally explained anything, like when the medicine comes round you are meant to go and get it, so I missed out on my medicine because I did not know, was scared of the medicne person and not well and I didn’t know I was allowed to go to the cell door when it was opened.

The cell had to be cleaned very day, and at first the warders did it and then supervised me having a shower and then they taught me to clean the cell and they brought my day clothes, nicely laundered (but I was still without a bra, much to my shame), and then as time went on they let me shower and the restrictions on me were lifted so that I could have proper bedding and a CD player with some CD’s and some books, they kindly took me to the library and got me lots and lots of extra books, and they got me pen and paper so I could try and write down what had happened to me, but in that state I could barely write adequately.

The staff asked if I would like to go upstairs and meet the others, I was downstairs in the remand wing and the sentenced prisoners were upsatirs), I said no, I remembered that old television programme with the scary prison women on it.
But eventually I came upstairs. The other women, aware that I was ‘special needs’, were extremely kind and supportive, they told me about themselves and they encouraged me to play pool and card games (which I struggled to understand), they chatted with me, lent me books and sent notes down to my cell via the warders and generally were so very nice that I wished I had met them all outside of prison as I felt safe with them. They did their very best to work with my autism and communicate clearly and I wish there was a better way of paying tribute to them.

One young woman in particular befriended me and I was allowed to sit in her cell with her, she had all her things in there as if it was her home, we sat on her bed and chatted and I taught her some sign language and she showed me the computer she had, which was actually very good, it had music and everything. Her boyfriend was in prison as well and they had a young daughter who was living with her mother. When her boyfriend was marched past the block, she waved to him out the window.

The support and activities with the other women was very helpful to me.
They were immeasurably kind and reassuring.

But I hated it that the guards had to search me every time I returned to my wing, they were sympathetic, unlike the police, and they knew that the touch hurt me, but they had to do it.
They also tried to get me to go to the gym with the other girls but seemed to forget or be unaware that I had no bra, I had been taken from my home not fully dressed for daytime and had no bra and I was too embarrassed to tell them this.

The other woman in the remand wing was noisy and angry, shouting all the time at the staff, and it echoed, it drove me mad with distress, and worst of all, she played music on top volume, but when I wrote it down for the staff that it was upsetting me, that seemed to be one thing they could do nothing about.

I am grateful to the staff for everything they did do for me, they said they have no choice as to who comes into prison but they try to work with, and help, everyone who did come in.

They also let me have as much computer access as they could to enable me to write. No internet but plenty of word processing.
And someone tried to interest me in an art group but I freaked out and couldn’t cope.

I was allowed extra time in the library, and there was a chapel service on Sundays but people I knew had come in to run it and I was too ashamed to go, St. Matthews people.

The prison warders also took me to see the manager at the prison to work out how to help me cope with being locked in and in prison, because I was so stressed. He asked me what I did when I was not in prison and got stressed, what helped to calm me down? I told him that I would go out to Noirmont or Corbiere and climb out on the rocks there and sit alone.
He did his best to ensure that I could be out of my cell and out in the exercise yard as much as possible.
Basically the staff really tried to help, even when they got the churches side of things against me.

People who came to see me in Prison:

A prison psychologist. I am not sure why but at first someone said she worked out why people did things that made them go to prison, but then she seemed to understand, and I am not absolutely sure on this, she seemed to understand that I was not actually deliberately bad. One time I had to say I could not see her because I felt ill, and the reason I got ill was that I had two duvets on my bed, and I wanted both, for comfort but it was causing me to overheat and get drowsy and headachy.

The chaplain, the CofE chaplin who turned up even when I asked for an alternative chaplain, I now know that this is Jane Fisher’s doing and I feel violated by it as I feel violated by all her interventions.
This chaplain was determined to be involved even when I specifically wrote to staff asking for a different chaplain.
One day she took me upstairs to talk and a Catholic Bishop was visiting and I got to meet him. But she was asking me about things, as if she didn’t know, and I got suspicious and asked if she had been discussing me with the Dean and she said she had only been in the island a short time and didn’t know anyone involved. But seeing as the Dean and Deanery select Clergy, that couldn’t strictly be true, but then she was in a hurry to put me back in my cell.

The Mental health woman: This was a nasty intrusion and this woman treated me as if I was bad, she was abrupt and rude and I felt as if she was forced upon me and that this was another attempt to make me out to be insane.
I do not understand why she came into things and I fail to see how she helped, in fact the things she said were very upsetting to me and wounded me.

The solicitors: I was sent a lawyer, an English lawyer who apparently was not allowed to represent me in Jersey courts.
Thus I wondered and wonder what the point of him being involved was.
I didn’t really understand much about it. He or the prison staff gave me a load of paperwork and told me to read it and reply, but I was traumatized, this was apparently statements from the Dean and the Bishop and jane Fisher, the Bishop and Jane Fisher and a policeman were named as the Dean’s witnesses.
I didn’t read anything. I was already too hurt and traumatized and trying to keep myself sane in prison, mainly by dissociating and dreaming that I was roaming the roads of South Hampshire alone and free.

The solicitor was there with the rude mental health woman and he said I had no good choices.
The subject of being bound over to leave the island came up somehow and I said that might be best as I had no home, no job and legally wasn’t allowed to sleep rough in Jersey and would not be able to take another home and job and have to live branded officially for the benefit of the church community who already treated me so badly.
And of course, my biggest concern was that if I didn’t agree to being bound over then I would have to be kept in prison because there was nowhere to go and nothing for me.
I made the solicitor aware that I had been trying to get help and that I had been awaiting my first psychological appointment, after so long of being refused psychological help because of my autism.

The solicitor made me read something to him and asked me what it meant and I tried to explain but I was bewildered and I wanted the mental health lady not to be there because I didn’t like her.

The solicitor sent a clinical psychologist to assess me in prison and the psychologist said he found me free from serious mental illness
(which is what church people in Jersey had been implying for so long and even Jane Fisher and Tracy LeCouter had made me out to be seriously mentally ill).
I guess they have no understanding about the psychological harm I suffered or the Post Traumatic Stress.

My friends came to see me in prison but the warder would not give me space and privacy to talk to them but kept standing over me. My friends said they would write a letter to the court on my behalf, but the solicitor intervened and breached confidences to them, embarrassing me by sharing what I was supposed to have done, again not explaining my own circumstances that led to what I did.

My friends did write me a letter though and that went to the solicitor and then the courts.
My friends also said they would have me to stay when they returned to England if I got out of prison.
My friends also paid money for me because I had no access to money and I was supposed to be paying the prison for my food and laundry and things and I have no idea how people who live in prison do that but I was in prison without my money or possessions and so I was in debt to the prison and then my friend.

The English Solicitor was not allowed to represent me in court as he was not qualified under Jersey Law, so there was another female solicitor who I did not get to know and know nothing about.

Back to court:

I will keep this brief because it is traumatic and because I am not sure I remember anything properly.

Before I was due in court again, one of the prison staff started talking to me about food menus, they had just been bringing me whatever prison food was available and not a choice like the sentenced people had, but the member of staff said I should have a menu prepared in case I came back to prison after court, I thought they were telling me I was coming back after court, and I broke down in tears and they tried to comfort me and tell me they hadn’t meant it like that.

I was handcuffed and put in a cage in a police van.

I do not remember how long I had to wait to go in court but the new lady solicitor was taking the case, I was told to plead not guilty to Jane Fisher and Bishop Scott-Joynt’s charges against me but to plead guilty to Bob key’s charge against me.
The mental health woman was there and was being bossy and rude, she was taking my hand and leading me about as if I was an idiot and I felt like an idiot and I resented her, but I felt that if I did not go along with everyone then I would end up back in prison.
I knew I wouldn’t survive if I was put back in prison, even with all the nice people. I have always been an outdoors person and worked outdoors all my working life, and outdoors is my life force.

My friends from Hampshire were there, there were not many people there. The mental health lady took my hand and took me into court. I didn’t like her being there but at least someone was there. I sucked my thumb because I was very distressed.

I do not know what a lot of court things mean.
I do know that the judge man and the people up there seemed slightly surprised that I was pleading not guilty to Jane Fisher and the Bishop and pleading guilty to Bob Key, but I just did as I was told, I do not understand enough to know what it all meant and why. I know I was being condemned as bad forever that is all. (but when Jane Fisher and the Bishop had me arrested again in 2011 it was claimed in court that they had had me convicted in Jersey, even though it was bob key who I was made to plead guilty to in Jersey).

The judge said something about how hard I had worked to educate myself and he hoped I would do that some more when I went back to the mainland. But I wondered if he understood that once you are a criminal you are bad forever and no amount of education makes you employable or acceptable and that there was no point whatsoever in me trying to finish my education now. People who are deemed bad live in the gutters and smoke and drink because they are not going to get employment or volunteer work or houses or be welcome anywhere.

Anyway, I do not know what it all meant and the judge and whoever else was talking talked about me being bound over to leave the island and that seemed to be what happened and they made an error something about thinking I was going back with my friends who were in court or them arranging me going back. But I don’t know but the judge had to come back because of it.

So then I was taken back to the police station but they did not be nasty any more, they got me hot drink and made me fingerprint and photo and paperwork and everything I did not really understand and they talked about booking me a flight and where was my passport and they did an identity sheet because I did not know where my passport was.

Then they took me to my house. All my things were there but instead of getting me any things they brought out the bags of clothes I had ready for the charity, which were no good for me and they thought that was my clothes but I couldn’t tell them, and they found my passport, which was a Jersey passport.

My landlady came to sit in the police car with me and she was so concerned and so upset, but she had said she wouldn’t have me back so that is why I got put in prison so it was hard for me to talk to her.

Then I got taken to the airport and put on a plane and I came back to England.

I got back to the airport in Southampton and had nowhere to go. I logged onto the internet there where I had weeks worth of emails from friends, charities and various things. But it seemed that everyone in Jersey who I worked for and with knew I had been bad and condemned and they wouldn’t speak to me.

I booked myself into a hotel now that I could access my money, but the money that had been in my room when the police arrested me was never seen again and I never got my possessions back either.
I went in the hotel room and looked through the clothes the police had brought out, thankfully there was an old bra in there and I put that on though it was not very comfortable, it was better than nothing.

I cried and shook all night, trying to calm myself with the quiet calming music on the radio, but I knew what had happened was wrong even if I had retaliated to the church, they had made me out to be bad but they had done bad and what happened to me was real.
Ever since then, until the shock of recently being traced and ‘apologized to’ by the Bishop and Archbishop, I have been alone with all this and unable to face what has happened.
I didn’t realise that night that the matter was not over, Jane Fisher and the Bishop were not going to let me alone and were immediately contacting my friends and sending messages via Juliet Montague, who had covered up what her husband did to me and to his daughter and who had heavily involved herself in the case in Jersey, but against me, and yet, Jane Fisher emailed Juliet when I came back from Jersey and used her to pass her and the Bishop’s side of things on to my friends in Juliet’s parishes, including my friend Anne, who died estranged from me as a result!

But that is for another statement.
Anything ommitted from this is omitted because I have forgotten or didn’t know about it or understand it.