Formal complaint against Jane Fisher, part 2.

Dear Church of England , while you/your police etc are viewing this constantly at the moment remember, no amount of viewing will allow you to use this to whitewash and cover up more, as this isn't the full story, and no investigation that omits me is valid.
Every day that you have employed an abuser or kept me living in fear is your liability, is there any end in sight, apart from you having me beaten and detained to cover up for yourselves? And if not, why do you breach the trade descriptions act by claiming to be a Christian organization?

Comprehensive formal complaint against Jane Fisher of the Winchester Diocese, her supervising Bishop and Diocesan Safeguarding failures:

This is not the same statement as the one you will have received previously but is supplementary to it.

My name for the purposes of this complaint is ***********, this is the name that my parents gave me, although they interchanged our surnames so my family sometimes went by the surname ‘******’, which confused me because I am on the autistic spectrum. I changed my name in the last few years to protect me from Jane Fisher and the Diocese of Winchester and the bad record that they gave me which prevented me from seeking help or rehabilitating, as, when the bad and one-sided record I was given was looked up,   I was treated like dirt, forced upon and left very hurt and thus unable to heal.
So although I am no longer legally ‘*********’, I am using my own name because the longer Jane Fisher does not know my new name, which I hope that she doesn’t, the longer I will feel safe. And everyone involved in the church and Diocese matter know me as **************

I am:
Homeless and destitute
On the high-functioning end of the autism spectrum
Mildly physically disabled
Said to have learning difficulties
Psychologically damaged by my upbringing
Diagnosed as having Post Traumatic Stress

These classifications mean that I am said to be a ‘vulnerable adult’.

I am writing this letter to continue my formal complaint that you received recently.
This complaint has been constructed using the ‘promoting a safe church’ documents produced by the church of England as a guideline to all members of the church of England and particularly those who work in pastoral care, to raise awareness of the needs and inclusion of vulnerable adults in the church and prevent abuse.

I am writing as a result of having suffered and still suffering every kind of damage at the hands of the Diocese of Winchester and Jane Fisher, the director for safeguarding and inclusion. I understand that this document is long and is heavy weather, but the level and depth of wrong in the safeguarding or lack of it in the Diocese is severe.

The introduction to this document is a good place to start and contains very relevant information to my complaint.

From the Introduction: There is a particular responsibility for members of the Church to ensure that all people are treated with respect and that any complaints against church workers are dealt with promptly and fairly. Safeguarding adults within the Church is based
on sound pastoral care and good practice.

Jane Fisher certainly didn’t treat me with respect, she spent her time trying to teach me lessons and she never did deal with my complaints. She is a safeguarding and inclusion director, and her intervention behind the scenes as if I was the abuser, left me alienated over and over again, while she did not do the same to RA and FM, who were left laughing and included in churches while I was left on the streets, being spoken about and to in a horrible way, again as if I was the abuser, Jane Fisher knew that R had been saying he was cleared, and yet she set the police on me and refused to give evidence for me to take civil legal action about R. saying he was cleared, she said it was all ‘third-party’ and told me she would speak to him about what he was saying in six weeks time!
Jane Fisher ruined me in front of my unpunished abusers who have kept positions in the church. She has never treated me with respect or dignity but has repeatedly violated me in a way I will never recover from, I cannot trust anyone because whichever way I turned and no matter where I tried to settle and belong, especially after my return from Jersey, Jane Fisher intervened.

And example being of how Juli Wills took me to her home and invited me to stay, not telling me that she was friends with the Scott-Joynts and knew Jane Fisher, and when I found out she said that Jane had said I would react like that, and she trapped me in her house as I tried to escape, I forced my way free from her and ran without shoes on through the snow on the road, it was Christmas eve night, and in her statement to the court in West Sussex, Jane Fisher claimed I contacted her 40 times that night but omitted that she had set up a situation that caused me huge distress and broke my heart at Christmas.
She also claimed that that night I contacted her at a time when I was actually asleep in a church that had been left unlocked after midnight mass.
That Christmas was hell for me because of Jane Fisher, it is one of many wounds. And she made it so much worse by going to the homeless centre about me just after Christmas even though I did not go there because of her and the Bishop, and leaving things there that I had left at Juli’s house, while my homeless friend who was at the homeless centre was used to pass messages to me about Jane going there with my things, which broke my trust for him instantly.

Such shocking and constant breaches of my privacy make Jane Fisher an abuser, no matter what her excuses, I had made it very clear after the verbal attack from the Vicar at Romsey Abbey not long before Christmas when Jane Fisher made contact with him, that I was furious at the Diocese’s continued involvement and that they had destroyed me and had no further part to play in my life.

So jane Fisher herself has abused me by these constant violations, I should have been made aware when Juli Wills took me home that she was liasing with Jane Fisher. I am sure jane Fisher can come up with excuses and denials but when I confronted Juli after my conversation with Lou scott-Joynt she made it quite clear that she was in contact with the Scott-Joynts and Jane Fisher and was in agreement with them about me.
The psychological damage from that was huge and is one of the reasons I will not live indoors or trust anyone who tries to help me.
At Romsey Abbey I was receiving perfectly safe, helpful and legitimate pastoral support and Jane Fisher wiped that out in the most shameful and horrible way, telling the Vicar I had ‘caused trouble’ at *******, and I replied did he also know about F. .abusing me and  crossing boundaries? No, he decided to shout at me for Jane Fisher because his curate used to work for  and she ‘knew about me’ even though she was not there when I was in the ******* community and J. used to malign her to me behind her back, saying she was emotionally incompetent and ‘had problems’, basically when J. once again involved herself in my personal life without leave, talking to the A‘s, and it came out that F. had abused me, because R. knew that from questioning me, J. branded me trouble, before that she was maligning me as she maligned everyone and sharing personal details as she did with everyone’s.
But who was branded trouble to Romsey Abbey? Me, and I had done nothing, and the way I was shouted at and shamed was shocking.

The Vicar tried to claim that his curate, J**, had not offered pastoral care because of her psychotherapy skills, he tried to withdraw it then and there when he shouted at me, again I was treated like an abuser, worse than an abuser, because my abusers remained in the church community, supported, not maligned, unpunished. Basically what Jane Fisher has done to me for five years is a reinforcement of what J. did to me, told me I am worse than a sexual abuser. And it does not matter what Jane Fisher comes out with and says this is rubbish, I am the one on the receiving end, I am the one who has been tricked, trapped, shouted at, accused, openly called someone who causes trouble and this has been done by people who have done wrong, and safeguarding and inclusion director, Jane Fisher!

Jane Fisher is responsible for:

Allowing J. M. to cross counselling boundaries and take me from college and leaving me with a church couple who I do not know if they were CRB checked
She is responsible for allowing J.’s crossing counselling boundaries to take over my college course and put me in a dangerous and isolated placement working only with strange men who were not CRB checked
Allowing J. M. to take over my housing situation and engineer my termination of my college placement, swapping her counselling role for her Vicar role
Allowing J. to take me to her own home to live, knowing that her husband had been accused by his daughter of sexual abuse and that the daughter had been abandoned, disabled and alone in Lincoln due to F. M.s temper and making J. choose between him and his daughter.
Allowing J. to claim benefits from the council or social services while I was in her home and presumably not letting church house know this.
Allowing me to be sexually abused by F. M. and be told it was my fault/had not happened, as happened to F.’s daughter, who’s former name was Sally (Sally-Anne) but who changed her name, according to J., just as I have.
Allowing this because F. and J. worked for Lincoln Cathedral and when Sally accused F. of abuse it was not investigated. J. said Sally told lies and she had followed them at the Psychiatric hospital and nothing had happened. So J. told me I was to blame for the abuse and it wasn’t abuse, and where was Jane Fisher, where was she when I had told maybe four members of the congregation about F. abusing me? Waiting in the wings to brand me a troublemaker and condemn me as causing trouble in J.’s church and parish where I did hundreds of hours of voluntary work for J., the church and community and had friends, until Jane Fisher wiped those friends out later when I returned from Jersey.
Jane Fisher is responsible for no-one even knowing what safeguarding was in the D. Benefice, and so four people did not do anything, well if you include J., F. and her parents and sister as well nine people did not do anything about me being abused by F., and so, why did Jane Fisher make me out to be trouble? Has anyone seen the emails of evidence that I was still friends with J. and stayed over with her while I was in Jersey? if not, get those emails from Bob or Christine.
So, Jane Fisher labelled me trouble rather than ever deal with F. abusing me, which she still hasn’t and there is a ludicrous cover-up in the Korris report about this. Jane Fisher labelled me trouble because of J., rather than hear about how I helped in that benefice in the churches and community, but no-one in the Winchester Deanery or Romsey Abbey or Jersey were given my side of things or told that F. was an abuser, the Vicar at Romsey Abbey did not know about that when I told him when he was shouting about me causing trouble in the D benefice.
J. not only took me home, let me be abused and told me I was to blame, she did not ‘respond well’ as the guidelines state, she blamed me, she also did not report the matter to Jane fisher. I did but not until J. was working hard with the Keys and the A.s in Jersey to absolve them, and I reported R. first and then F., to jane Fisher, who was all nicey-nice but fobbed me off about the way the Keys and the A.s had behaved and made excuses for them and would not deal with my complaint, Jane Fisher is responsible for damage by neglect for not dealing with my complaint and damage by bullying me for making excuses for wrongdoers, blaming me, excusing herself eventually by claiming she didn’t understand autism, and never doing anything about my complaint but to this day the A.s and M.s remain unrestricted while I am ruined. Good safeguarding of a vulnerable person? No. no matter what excuses she makes, Jane Fisher has never safeguarded or included me, she has driven me out, blamed me and absolved the wrongdoers.

The ‘promoting a safe church’ document states:
A definition of mistreatment, abuse and harm:

Mistreatment is defined in No Secrets as ‘a violation of an individual’s human
and civil rights by any other person or persons’. In a church context it could be
any misuse of a pastoral or managerial relationship, from the most serious to less
severe behaviour, which lies at its root. The term covers abuse, bullying and
harassment. These categories are not watertight and can merge into one another.
Harm is what results from mistreatment or abuse

Jane Fisher has violated my human rights, those rights to live a life free from abuse and neglect, because her treatment of me through maligning me and hurting me in so many ways and her refusal to deal with my complaints and her concerted efforts to have me incarcerated despite her knowing I suffered claustrophobia, amount to abuse and neglect. She was also fully aware of how much her interference behind my back on my return from Jersey to Winchester was hurting me.
Jane fisher’s constant interference in my life, friendships, church attendance (treating me as if I was an abuser and having a secret email sent round so that I was shamed and not allowed to engage fully with church people again after I left Jersey), her meetings about me with authorities without my permision that hampered my own applications for housing and my self-referral to the night shelter and day centre, her use of the fact that the Bishop was patron of the night shelter and her continued interference that humiliated me, for example I left night shelter and homeless centre due to the interference and I had the Vicar at Romsey Abbey shouting at me that I was to go back there, because he had been ‘told I had left’ by Jane Fisher, basically the way Jane Fisher violated me is a disgrace, I was freed from prison and my life from then on should have been mine to rebuild, and Jane Fisher violated my privacy and humiliated me in an irreparable way, prevented me from engaging with services and had no right to have any meetings about me or contact with the homeless services and other services about me, she prevented me from getting help or settling and had me brutalized and locked up for responding, that is harrasment and abuse of me, and yet I am the one who has been punished for it.
Jane Fisher’s aim in her forceful and slanderous intervention is unclear, her achievement was to have me re-destroyed and devastated and to add to the criminal record she had already got me for fighting for her to be withdrawn and fighting for my complaint to be dealt with.

The ‘promoting safe churches’ guide says:
Everyone needs the sustaining reassurance that they are treated with the respect
that is due to all human beings made in the image of God and precious to God.
Those who have challenging personal situations must receive the resources they
need to live independent lives with dignity. Everyone needs to know that they
can live safely in a non-threatening environment.

There is nothing remotely Christian or respectful in what Micheal Scott-Joynt and Jane Fisher between them did to me, nothing remotely caring. And Michael Scott-Joynt claimed in court that they had ‘been trying to help me get housed’ even though I did not at any point permit them to do so and my attempts at being housed, in Winchester and in Romsey were disrupted by their forceful interventions so that I aborted those efforts, as I would not be housed with any imput from the church, and the record that they got me is and has been the greatest barrier to being housed that I have had. If you tell the council that you are bad on record, which broke my heart with shame to do, they permanently record you as bad and put you in the offenders place with real bad people, which is dangerous like the night shelter was, especially because when I reported being bullied by the real bad people at the night shelter, Jane Fisher and the Bishop had already got their intervention in and I was treated like dirt and so was my complaint. I was terrified in the night shelter and because Fisher had given me a bad name to the manager, my fear and distress were treated with contempt. I have never been able to explain to anyone why I am bad, or that I am bad, because the shame and distress is overwhelming, and yet the people who destroyed me have been allowed to go on hurting me and violating me and getting me done for reacting. I have not and probably never will believe in Christians, church or pastoral help again.

The promoting a safe church policy states:

Christian communities should be places where all people feel welcomed,
respected and safe from abuse. The Church is particularly called by God to
support those at the margins, those less powerful and those without a voice in our
society. The Church can work towards creating a safe and non-discriminatory
environment by being aware of some of the particular situations that create
vulnerability. Issues which need to be considered include both the physical
environment and the attitudes of workers. A person who might be considered
vulnerable has the right to:

● be treated with respect and dignity;
● have their privacy respected;
● be able to lead as independent a life as possible;
● be able to choose how to lead their life;
● have the protection of the law;
● have their rights upheld regardless of their ethnicity, gender, sexuality,
impairment or disability, age, religion or cultural background;
● be able to use their chosen language or method of communication;
● be heard

My responses:

I have not been treated with respect and dignity, from the M.s to the Lihous to the A.s and Keys and Jane Fisher, especially Jane Fisher, I have had no privacy, especially not in my personal and work life, and especially what Jane Fisher did to me on my return from Jersey to the UK, basically everyone in Winchester knew Jane Fisher and the Bishop’s side of my business, and that spread to Romsey, I was ashamed to be alive, to walk down the street, I was treated as if I was an abuser, I was spoken about in a horrifying way, notably at St. Peters, where the unrepentant woman said she did not even know that I was autistic or abused, when I confronted her about what she was saying to someone else about me behind my back but unluckily in my earshot, about how nasty and abusive I had been to the Bishop.
My privacy has not been respected, I have already been through that in detail, my privacy was ripped up and thrown away and I am a private person, I remain deeply ashamed and I do not know where my human rights went in the way I was slandered and violated by Jane Fisher in Jersey and Winchester.
To be able to live as independent a life as possible. Jane Fisher’s violations meant that there were attempts to shove me into a psychiatric hospital and residential homes, neither of which would benefit me, I am autistic and very solitary and like to be alone outdoors, my brief stay in a community home when I was young showed that I do not benefit from such an environment but get dragged down and depressed by it and it does not help me, I have only ever been traumatized and autistic and attempts by Jane Fisher to take my independence from me have left me scared. Even now I fear for my freedom and always will, which is why I stay out here where I am not trapped.
Being able to choose how to live, Jane Fisher and the former Bishop tried to force me off the streets and tried to intervene over and over in my life, causing huge damage, and they have violated that right to choose how to live.
Having the protection of the law? Well, because the former Bishop and Jane Fisher have repeatedly had me brutalized and locked up, I will always live in fear of the police and if I am assaulted I cannot report it as I would not be taken seriously, I could be detained and I will be treated badly because of the record they got me, which included lies.
My rights have not been upheld, I have been shown that I have no rights, I am a non-human because of the severity of the way Jane Fisher and the Bishop wrecked my life and got me a record.
In the police cells when I was too frightened to speak, I used sign language and they could not be bothered to get an enterpreter. In all police detentions my side of things could not be communicated effectively because I am autistic, have communication problems, was shocked by the brutality and did not have a paper and pen and time to tell my side of the story.
To be heard? Plain and simple, I never have been, I have been living in fear and my side of things is not on any record.

Comments on the paragraph 2.2, no sensitive or informed pastoral care was ever offered to me. Jane Fisher treated me like dirt. Tracy was being an extremely effective support without being elected to be so, until Jane Fisher intervened.
The only offer of support was ‘counselling’ which was not acceptable or appropriate, and the offer was made by Jane Fisher through the police who she had just used against me and scarred me for life. That was sickening and remains sickening.

My complaints were not responded to without delay.

St.Andrews did not manage the risk of R. A., nor was it managed after I made a complaint and Jane Fisher was aware of the situation and was verbally battering me and not responding appropriately to me.

Paragraph 2.3 of promoting safe churches:

The church should;Seek to work in a non-abusive way that respects the rights of individuals to enjoy privacy, dignity, independence and choice. See Good practice
recommendations.
● The way the Diocese don’t manage safeguarding, the way that I was treated in church and the way Jane Fisher treated me do not agree with this

Actively promote the empowerment and well-being of vulnerable people
through the services we provide. See Good practice recommendations.
Definitely not the case in Jersey, as described in my blog post about safeguarding in Jersey, the one written and posted last night. And remember who’s responsibility it is to ensure that safeguarding and inclusion are in place? Jane Fisher, she is responsible for the state of the churches in Jersey with regards to safeguarding and she is responsible for the mental abuse I suffered as well as the sexual abuse from R., who had a history of misconduct and was not under proper supervision.

Ensure rigorous recruitment practices to deter those who actively seek
vulnerable people to exploit or abuse, including taking up references and
using CRB checks. See Procedure 1.

R. gained his church positions at St. Andrews despite his history. F. and J. also had history, so did the Lihous.

Actively promote an organizational culture within which all those who
express concern will be treated seriously and will receive a positive response
from management. See Procedure 2.

I wasn’t taken seriously about F., or about R. when I went to the Dean.

Ensure that staff and volunteers understand that vulnerable people can be
abused and that they know what to do if they think that someone is being
abused. See Procedure 2 and Appendix 2.

St. Andrews do not appear to have had any safeguarding training prior to Jane Fisher’s usual ‘shut the stable door after the horse has bolted’ talk about abuse.

Ensure that all staff and volunteers receive appropriate training and support

See above, no-one in any church I have been in appeared to have any knowledge of safeguarding or who to contact. One person had the idea of writing to the Bishop about F. and instead went to see J. and never did write to the Bishop, because no doubt, she told them I made it up. Anne Wiggle was appointed as safeguarding person in  L. church after Malcolm Eastlake was arrested and it was hushed up, this was despite J. sacking Anne as benefice administrator because was not putting in the correct comittment as she was too busy, incidentally Anne was replaced as benifice administrator by Roger Parsons, who ran off with a young woman who worked at the Diocese headquarters and left his wife to die of cancer. J. never slated him like she has slated me.


Have an internal policy, procedure and guidance on how managers, staff and
volunteers will deal with allegations of abuse, including allegations against
their own organization’s staff and volunteers. Ensure that the procedure
links to the local inter-agency procedure. See Procedure 2

The Diocese and churches do not seem to know anything about safeguarding policy, but that is because Jane Fisher is in charge and she is not competent. My complaints were not dealt with correctly, not dealt with at all.

Work in cooperation with the local Adult Services9
and the police when they
are investigating an allegation of abuse. See Procedure 2

Get the abuse victim beaten and locked up, Jane Fisher’s unique diocesan policy.

Identify a ‘lead officer’ who takes responsibility for training staff and
volunteers and updating procedures. See Section 2.4 Implementing a policy
in a diocese and Section 2.5 Implementing a policy in a parish.

That’ll be the day, if a rich diocese like Winchester can’t then does anywhere?

Confidentiality?
There has never been appropriate confidentiality, the only confidentiality was when people kept quiet about Malcolm Eastlake and F., my business was strewed the length and breadth of the Diocese, not by me as Jane Fisher tries to say, but by her and others.

It is recommended that each diocese appoint someone to act in respect of adults.
The duties of such a person would include helping people to understand the
nature of vulnerability, being the person to whom people in parishes can bring
their concerns, and promoting the training of those working in this area. It is
likely that there is already in post someone who has the interests of adults with
particular vulnerabilities as part of their remit. They could liaise with the child
protection adviser, especially in regard to referrals and recruitment decisions. In
some dioceses it may be appropriate, possible and cost-effective for the child
protection adviser to take on a role in the safeguarding of adults. Such a lead
person in the diocese should discuss this policy with the member of staff with
responsibility for safeguarding adults in the adult services department of the local
authority (county, borough or unitary) in order that they understand local
procedures and are clear about the best route for reporting concerns. The
implementation of this policy will need to be monitored by the diocese from
time to time.

The Diocese do not have anyone who acts for vulnerable adults. Jane Fisher does not have a clue about vulnerable adults.

Paragraph 25. Implementing policy in the parish.

I have never seen in  any church  the Diocese of Winchester a proper implementation of safeguarding rules or policies.
J. crossing boundaries from being my counsellor to being the local vicar who intervened and put me on an unsuitable and dangerous farm placement and took me home when she knew about allegations against her husband previously and what he had done to his daughter with his temper, Malcolm Eastlake had already received reprimands for tactility with children and remained working with children and youth at church, no safeguarding policy or rules in any church I have known in the diocese, I worked with children in the churches when the churches themselves didn’t have CRB for me, the school did, no sign of any implementation of safeguarding in J. and F.’s actions or in Jersey at all.
No records kept in the D Benefice
It is clear that J. either did not know or did not care about safeguarding, an example is how she got F. to drive me to events even when she knew about the abuse.

Good Practice Recommendations 1.

 Helping in such a way as to maximize a person’s independence. People with
additional needs can and do lead active and fulfilled lives but some may need
support and resources to do so.
A lot of what I went through encouraged dependence and especially in the case of the A.s, disability.

Always respecting the person and all their abilities.
In St. A’s I was made to feel disabled and useless.

● Recognizing the choices people make even if they may appear risky.
My choice to leave the night shelter and sleep rough rather than go on being hurt and in flashbacks to the horror of prison, was not accepted by Jane Fisher, and her forcing on me since has done lasting damage.

● Giving people the highest level of privacy and confidentiality possible in the
circumstances.
The opposite has been my experience throughout my time in the Diocese of Winchester. And I am a private person, but do the wrongdoers get reprimanded? No, I do for getting angry about repeated breaches of my privacy.
● Including everyone in decisions affecting their life.
Did Jane Fisher include me in any decisions and meetings she had about my life? No, the first I heard of anything was from the police brutalizing me or other people. I died of shame.
● Creating an environment within the Church that can include everyone.
Despite Jane Fisher claiming she would be happy for me to attend any church in Winchester when I returned from Jersey, her interference behind my back meant both that I was isolated and shunned and that I did not trust anyone, especially when I found out about her interference through shunnings, gossip or phonecalls about me or attempts to force me back towards housing.

Privacy and
confidentiality are important to everyone and especially people who are
dependent on others for aspects of their everyday living.

Say no more.

All church workers have a duty of care towards those to whom they minister.
National and diocesan good practice guidelines and the procedures in this
document should be followed to ensure that insurance cover is maintained. The
insurers should be contacted as soon as it is clear that a claim may be made
against a diocese or parish

Worldly things like insurance get in the way of Christianity, I guess St. ********, L. invalidated their insurance in 2001 or 2002 didn’t they?

Prevention of abuse:
Prevention is best achieved by both the careful training of workers and the
provision of supervision or mentoring for all those working with vulnerable
people. Church workers need to understand that they hold a position of power
and influence even if they do not feel that that is the case.
Prevention can be particularly difficult with those who may be vulnerable,
because of the range of people who are in contact with them and the variety of
ways in which churches and others try to be of help or befriend people who
otherwise would be isolated. The desire to provide a safe environment should
not get in the way of allowing people to develop their own friendships and
contacts – some of which may be felt to be risky. If people are working together
in groups this can be one way in which harmful behaviours can be prevented.
This is not, however. always the case and there have been many instances of a
culture of abusive behaviour or attitudes developing in organizations or amongst
groups of workers. Risks are increased when people have individual contact with
those who are vulnerable.

The Diocese of Winchester appears to have a very discriminatory policy that has been repeated back to me a few times and is never any less hurtful and snubbing - vulnerable, homeless, disabled or in any way marginalized people are not allowed in the homes of clergy. Again, this policy has repeatedly not been known to clergy I have been in contact with until jane Fisher has told them about it, apart from one clergy who explained it to me without knowing about me from jane Fisher and told me it was a blanket policy and she only knew I was homeless and thus she could not take me home.
This policy may well be part of why the Harkins turned their backs on the pastoral care they previously offered, without explanation, but not necessarily, they were friends with the Dean. This policy is why Tracy turned me away after inviting me home so many times, and that wounded me as no explanation was made at the time. Damaging to vulnerable people to protect clergy and the Diocese. There are other incidences of this policy possibly causing problems and not being explained to me.
The policy was explained to me by someone who did not know me well but had been told by the diocese that as clergy they were not allowed to invite vulnerable people home. Contrast this hurtful discriminatory policy that is not known by all clergy but is implemented suddenly with no word to the vulnerable person when it becomes known, with R. A. and his wife going to tea with the Vicar throughout my complaint and my time in Jersey and R.A. working in the vicar’s garden with children while the Vicar was away.  Also, if this secret exclusion of vulnerable but welcome mainstream abusers policy was always there and often not known about, did J. M. know of it when she took me home to her husband’s temper and sexual behaviour?
Jane Fisher is ultimately responsible for the emotional damage that this policy has caused me, in the cases of me being suddenly shunned when it was made known to clergy, or because of the damage done by it not being made known to clergy. I do not know what Jane Fisher does all day but she doesn’t seem to have a uniform and properly known and implemented safeguarding policy in the Diocese. And that is to the detriment of vulnerable people, including me and I personally am complaining, but you need to register the fact that so few vulnerable people have a voice, no other vulnerable adult would stand up to Jane Fisher as I am doing, so I speak for us all, Jane Fisher is not fit to be in charge, her behaviour, actions, attitude, lack of consistency, words, everything, are damaging to vulnerable people and she should not be in her position. They have no voice so I speak for them, anyone who has silently endured direct or indirect harm as a result of Jane Fisher.
The Diocese of Winchester does not prevent abuse.



Guidelines for those in positions of Trust with vulnerable people:




GP2.1 Pastoral relationships

Exercising any kind of ministry involves workers developing an understanding of
themselves and how they relate to others, how they increase the well-being of
others and how they ensure their own well-being and safety. People in positions
of trust necessarily have power, although this may not be apparent to them,
therefore respecting professional boundaries is particularly important. Many
pastoral relationships can become intertwined with friendships and social
contacts, making this guidance even more necessary.

● Church workers should exercise particular care when ministering to persons
with whom they have a close personal friendship or family relationship.
J. M. was originally my consellor but made a decision that she was my friend, then described herself a ‘surrogate mother’ to me while telling me of her step-daughter, Sally, she was happy for me to call her ‘mammy’ although I grew out of it, she continued to be a friend and ‘like a mum, but also interfered a lot in my personal and work life, she crossed boundaries many times by telling people things about me and things I had told her, despite her being my former counsellor and also my vicar as well as my friend, during the Jersey matter, she breached confidences to F. and her family, making them treat me badly as they got her usual spiel about me being seductive and R. being taken in etc, and she then referred to me as ‘part of her work’.
R. A. called himself Daddy and said I was his little daughter, he also said in the end about ‘talking to Vicar **** about if he could still work with me’.
Jill Lihou called herself my carer, even though the Lihous were my friends and they had arranged with me to live with them.
Where was Jane Fisher? Waiting to condemn me for it all from their side of things.
● Church workers should be aware of the dangers of dependency in pastoral
and professional relationships and seek advice or supervision when these
concerns arise.
Did anyone seek advice when I became dependent? I have a tendency to dependence and so it is better for me to be as I am now, completely independent because if someone takes over my life as all mentioned above apart from Jane, did, I let them take the lead and I become dependent and wait to be told what to do. All of these people took me over and took me into their homes. Jane Fisher’s discriminatory policy did not seem to be known or upheld.
It is to be noted that my more healthy relationships were with people who were not in it to meet their own needs, (names here redacted, most of these friends were turned against me by diocesan intervention).

● Church workers who exercise a healing ministry should be trained in the
theology and non-intrusive practice of that work.11
Was R. trained, he did not act as if he was or he ignored his training, he did claim that what he was doing to me was healing, even the sexual bits. Did he really not know that that could never be right?

● Church workers should recognize their limits and not undertake any
ministry that is beyond their competence or role (e.g. therapeutic
counselling, deliverance ministry, counselling victims of abuse and domestic
violence, or their perpetrators, or giving legal advice). In such instances the
person should be referred to another person or agency with appropriate
expertise.
Jill being my ‘carer’ when she herself was ill? R. trying to heal my abuse by abusing me? Jane Fisher made me out to be bad but she runs a Diocese as a safeguarding officer and she has not safeguarded me against these things! And I have ended up damaged and she has attacked me further instead of taking responsibility for herself.
● Church workers should avoid behaviour that could give the impression of
inappropriate favouritism or the encouragement of inappropriate special
relationships.
R., J.?
● Church workers should treat those with whom they minister or visit with
respect, encouraging self-determination, independence and choice.
Sadly I was not treated like that by R. or Jill.
● Care should be taken when helping with physical needs, washing and
toileting, always respecting the choices of the individual concerned.
Not necessarily relevant.
● Pastoral relationships may develop into romantic attachments and such
situations should be handled sensitively. Workers need to recognize such a
development and make it clear to both the person concerned and a
supervisor or colleague. Alternative arrangements should be made for the
ongoing pastoral care of the person concerned.
Not necessarily relevant.







Pastoral conversations and interviews and record keeping in brief:

The Dean of Jersey and his wife did not conduct their interview of me correctly but that is known to the investigation and the Dean has been cleared by Tim dakin.
Did R. or J. or anyone keep any records? Did J. note or explain to Jane Fisher why she changed from counsellor into friend/surrogate mum/minister/me being work, and where the boundaries were? Because I never knew.
Who was mentoring or supervising J.’s relationship with me? Why have I been made to blame for wrong that came not just from my conditions but from lack of safeguarding or appropriate ministerial conduct?

GP 2.5 Sexual contact:

Church workers must not sexually abuse an adult or a child.

But they did, and I have been scapegoat for it.

Church workers must be responsible for their actions and understand how they can be misunderstood.

R. A. ‘took advice’ rather than explain to me that I had misunderstood. He never felt responsible for his actions to me or others, nor did F..

Responding to abuse disclosures:

What can I say? Both in the case of F. M. and the Case of R. A., the response has been appalling!
Again, no one has followed any proper procedures and Jane Fisher has accepted the attacks that have been made on my character in defence of such wrongdoing!


Care of adult abuse survivors in church:

The Diocese of Winchester does not care about adult abuse survivors.
The Diocese shuns abuse survivors
I am an abuse survivor and I have been treated like dirt by the Diocese of Winchester
The ‘promoting a safe church’ guide gives descritions of some behaviours expressed by abuse survivors, I show a lot of those behaviours and have been vilified for them by people who have done such wrong around safeguarding and abuse themselves!
I haven’t just lost trust due to abuse but due to the way the clergy and diocese have treated me, especially Jane fisher vilifying me and launching police attacks when I cried out because the distress and her ongoing hurt of me was so much.



GP4.4 Why didn’t you say so at the time?

Many survivors say nothing about the abuse for many years. Some have buried
their memories so deeply within themselves that they have ‘forgotten’ what
happened – especially if the abuse happened when they were very young.
Memories may be ‘triggered’ in a range of ways, for example:
● hearing about abuse on television;
● being in another abusive situation such as finding difficulties with a
domineering employer;
● being in a situation where they feel powerless;
● feeling vulnerable, ill, under stress, or suffering from burnout;
● the death of their abuser or of one of their carers;
● the birth of their own child.
Few victims can report their abuse close to the event and so often reported abuse
is about events of years ago, leading to difficulties with finding any proof of what
happened. It is often one person’s word against another, and the likelihood of the
survivor getting justice is slim. However, some cases do go to court, but the
experience can be devastating for both children and adults and they are likely to
need considerable support.

I do not feel understood about why I only told Jane Fisher about F. when I was in Jersey - J. makes it out to be because I am malicious etc, but she originally discouraged me from reporting him because she said it was my word against his and that nothing would be done and that I was to blame for it as well and I was ‘seductive’.
I reported F. in Jersey because I had not been able to or known how to before, because before I had also wanted to protect J. as I loved her (still do), and because The M.s were now involved with the A.s and Keys and J. was defending R. and his wife against me, as she always has had the attitude that victims are whiners and abusers are just victims themselves. I knew that if I did not report F., then he would be used against me to make out that I make false accusations against everyone. Which I do not.
R. knew about F. abusing me as he had made me talk about being abused.
So I knew I had to speak up.





GP4.5 Pastoral care of survivors
An adult (or indeed a child) disclosing abuse is in a vulnerable state. Above all
they need someone to listen to them – and also to believe them. They
may need to be ‘heard’ in different contexts and over several years.
If there is a complex pastoral situation when an adult discloses abuse (e.g. a
young person in their twenties accusing a church worker of sexually abusing
them), it would be appropriate to find some support for the different parties
involved, such as another survivor to support the person making the allegations.
There is no quick fix for healing from abuse and it is crucial that survivors:
● Are not pushed into forgiving too early. Forgiving their abuser/s is acomplex process, and considerable damage can be done by treating
forgiveness as something that they must do unreservedly and now.
My complaint was handled terribly by the Keys and Vicar and the damage is lasting.
St. Pauls tried to make me ‘instantly forgive, and Jane Fisher commented on that that forgiveness is a good way of healing, but I needed time and with everything going on, all the bad stuff, actual healing and forgiveness never really came about. I just blank the memories.

● Are not put in a position of feeling even more guilty than they already do.
Survivors tend to feel that the abuse was all their fault, particularly when
there was more than one abuser.
Yes, every church, person, the Keys and jane Fisher made me feel more guilty.
● Are accepted as they are, however full of anger they may be. Anger can be
seen as one step along the road to forgiveness – at least if they are angry they
are starting to accept that the abuse seriously affected them and this can be a
good starting point to move towards healing.
Oh, God how Jane Fisher slated me and smashed me down! And how she condoned other people for how they treated me when I could not be anything other than angry!
● Are given a sense that those within the church community who know about
the abuse are ‘with them’ along the road to recovery. The journey can be
very long and supporters are essential.
NOPE! The church community were as one against me! And still are! My abuser is loved and respected and reads lessons at the town church, I am slandered and spat on, homeless and a criminal for the safeguarding director who ruined me!
Survivors can benefit from professional counselling if that is available, but also
joining a self-help group can provide the kind of long-term support needed.
Survivors helping other survivors can be powerful and effective.
Counselling not being an option due to the depth of damage and because I am autistic, I benefit at last from psychology and yes I have benefited from survivors groups in the past. Only since I escaped Jane Fisher and changed my name though.


4.6 survivors and the church:



I suffer a lot of the problems listed in this paragraph, church will always be traumatic for me, not just because of abuse but because of the way Jane Fisher and other wrongdoers and supporters of the abusers have treated me.
I go to church and struggle and feel ashamed and to blame which causes a problem in itself and compounds everything, there is so much that causes flashbacks and reminds me, and no-one at all who can undo the way Jane Fisher and the Diocese have utterly invalidated me.

4.7 Responding well to survivors:

Destroying me was not a good response!
Lets get through this statement before this evening, it is dragging.

Handling a complaint against a church worker:

The Diocese of Winchester does not know how, they kept saying, for a year or so ‘we will do something soon’ while my abuser was laughing and remained in church positions while claiming he was cleared, and so I was shunned, the Korris report denies that because Jane Fisher made me out to be Paranoid, because she was not there and did not see my suffering.

Listening carefully and taking the complainant’s wishes into account, did anyone do that? No. Nothing was done about F. and in the case of the A.s, Key tried to close the complaint.
Jersey does not come under clergy discipline measures, so when, after all that time, Martyn Sanders said I had to put in a complaint under that measure, about the Keys and he said I had no evidence, I was furious, and then Joyce said I could not make a complaint under that measure in Jersey.
Talk about lack of clarity!

Human rights:

Jane Fisher has breached my human rights by her interference for so long, I am amazed she is still allowed near vulnerable people, let alone still failing to maintain safeguarding in Jersey.






Complaint against Jane Fisher under the ‘psychological abuse’ list, my complaints are the ones I have put in bold:

Emotional or psychological abuse
The use of threats or fear or the power of the carer’s or other adult’s position to
negate the vulnerable person’s independent wishes. Such behaviour can create
very real emotional or psychological stress. Bullying, sexual and racial harassment
would also come into this category if physical harm were not used. It includes
lack of privacy or choice, denial of dignity, deprivation of social contact or
deliberate isolation, making someone feel worthless, lack of love or affection,
threats, verbal abuse, humiliation, blaming, controlling, pressurizing, coercion,
fear, ignoring the person.

Other behaviours which may take place within a working relationship include
public or unreasonable criticism, insults and shouting, ignoring a person’s wishes
or point of view, setting unreasonable work targets, removing areas of
responsibility, undervaluing a person’s efforts.
Harassment may include name calling, victimization and ostracism, unwanted
sexual attention, stalking, compromising invitations or gifts, the display of images
that are racially or sexually offensive, the suggestion that sexual favours might
further promotion prospects.

Reactions to abuse:
feelings of helplessness;
● hesitation in talking openly;
● implausible stories;
● confusion or disorientation;
● anger without an apparent cause;
● sudden changes in behaviour;
● the person becoming emotionally upset or agitated;
● unusual behaviour (sucking, biting or rocking);
● unexplained fear;
● denial of a situation;
● the person becoming extremely withdrawn and non-communicative or nonresponsive;
● the adult telling you they are being verbally or emotionally abused.




Spiritual abuse in the Deanery of Jersey copied from the Spiritual aspects of abuse section in promoting a safe church:


Spiritual aspects of abuse
Churches need to be sensitive so that they do not, in their pastoral care, attempt
to ‘force’ religious values or ideas onto people, particularly those who may be
vulnerable to such practices. Within faith communities harm can be caused by
the inappropriate use of religious belief or practice; this can include the misuse of
the authority of leadership or penitential discipline, oppressive teaching, or
intrusive healing and deliverance ministries, which may result in vulnerable
people experiencing physical, emotional or sexual harm. If such inappropriate
behaviour becomes harmful it should be referred for investigation in the usual
way. Careful supervision and mentoring of those entrusted with the pastoral care
of adults should help to prevent harm occurring in this way. Other forms of
spiritual abuse include the denial to vulnerable people of the right to faith or the
opportunity to grow in the knowledge and love of God.

Changing the subject, some time back I read on the safeguarding section of the Diocese of Winchester’s website an article about autism, it was incongruent and incorrect and appeared to be there for show since Jane Fisher’s destroyal of me in Jersey.
Among other things it read ‘People with Asperger Syndrome need a lot of fuss And attention’ I was seething. Fuss and attention is the most distressing thing in the world!
Jane Fisher has links with Hampshire Autistic Society, which is why I would have nothing to do with them, she has done work in autism schools, she has helped to raise her friend’s autistic son, and yet she puts things like that on the website for show, she also claimed to me in jersey, after treating me like dirt, that she got it wrong because she didn’t understand autism. Do you think that is a good excuse for a senior safeguarding officer to make to someone they have damaged?
It is like Bob Key, in his position, not knowing correct safeguarding procedure.

Summary: this has been a very long and hefty complaint, drawing heavily on the church of England’s ‘promoting a safe church’ guidelines. Sometimes it has been hard to know what to put in or leave out. But the aim is to bring a full formal complaint against Jane Fisher, not just because she has personally treated me like dirt while working really hard to cover that up and make it look like she was only nice and I was all mad. But also to bring to your attention her incompetence in promoting and ensuring safeguarding throughout the Diocese, which has now been a problem to me for a very long time, and the combined effects of one lot of abuse and denial on top of another and being vilified by wrongdoers and not being properly looked after by safeguarding and has damaged me considerably.

This is a formal complaint.


09/08/13

She still works for the NSPCC http://www.telegraph.co.uk/women/womens-life/9587450/Jimmy-Savile-allegations-Esther-Rantzens-response-defies-belief.html

suffering

Good morning,
I am quite surprised to see Matthew Price has been interviewing the Home Affairs Minister in Jersey in such a way :) In Jersey you can get bumped off for things like that. Well, you can get ruined for it.

http://thejerseyway.blogspot.co.uk/2014/01/is-jersey-next-rochdale.html

I am also intrigued to see that someone from Southampton has been viewing the blog and hiding their viewing, I know Jane Fisher and the Bishop's PA and others from the diocese live in Southampton, unsurprisingly, because it is part of the diocese.
I have had some funny comments about Southampton having it's own Bishop and thus not being in the Diocese, but people do not understand about sufferance Bishops who are a sufferance and have their own town in a diocese, like Bishop Trevor, who used to make Basingstoke suffer even though it was in the Diocese of Winchester too. Although making Basingstoke suffer is no bad thing.
I like Southampton, the city of my childhood, but of course, even a visit there would put me at risk. I do not like Winchester, my home city that I loved, it is full of horrific memories of the diocese and the severe and far-reaching damage they did to me.

Angry

For those who are not sure what I am angry about:

Firstly, the 'help' described in the Bishop's bonkers press release about the Steel report, was the Diocese referring me to the NSPCC without my consent or permission, basically this was an illegal act that breached my human rights, and in response the Diocese received the legal letter that is posted on this blog several times.
And as you will have seen, Jimmy Saville, while abusing, was working for the NSPCC, while his victims helplessly looked on and had no-one to turn to, if your abuser works for the charity that is supposed to help you, what can you do?
And added to that, the NSPCC are trying to prevent themselves being accountable by preventing a single overarching enquiry, no wonder the Diocese of Winchester get on so well with the NSPCC! The Diocese just did a handful of enquiries supposedly about my complaint and omitted me from their enquiries!

Secondly the Diocese were told clearly to leave me alone, even if I was seriously mentally ill, their violations of my life and constant provokation of me is inhumane, harassment and completely unethical, and in 2010 to 2011, they repeatedly had me beaten and locked up, attempting to brand me insane and failing and telling not the whole truth to the police and court, ie omitting the fact they were provoking me and claiming they were only trying to help me, omitting the fact that I was protesting against their interference and had not agreed to or asked for their help.
The Diocese of Winchester, even now, after the legal letter, will not leave off, and, thanks to some prankster, have had the excuse to launch on me over some money that is nothing at all to do with me.

At times like this I feel that only death will get the Diocese of Winchester off me and they are likely to drive me to my death if they are not stopped. They are a wrecking ball diocese, led by a wrecking ball Bishop!

On a lighter note and a change of subject, I have started taking 5-HTP again, this is a natural anti-depressant because I cannot take the chemical ones, a lot of medicines make me ill, anti-depressants make me very ill.
5-HTP makes me headachy but it helps lift my mood.
I have to take it during the day, not at night as it can trigger nightmares and bizarre dreams, and I get enough of those, so I take it during the day and will continue the herbal sleep remedy at night in the hope of helping me sleep (she says at quarter past midnight when she should be asleep!).

Homecoming

I got my book 'Homecoming' today.
I started reading it, and it has been about 8 years since I read it last, but it reminded me how things have changed since then.
Even back then, with less understanding of myself, I had a more stable base to do therapeutic work than I do now in constant fear of the diocese and their far reaching slander and vilification of me, which reaches even to police and social services and medical records.
Basically I can't really heal my life now, the damage is too great, but I will just continue to do what I can, even as the diocese continue to hurt me.

Hypocracy

I have often seen this article, and someone just tweeted it. http://www.standard.co.uk/lifestyle/when-will-the-church-of-england-face-up-to-the-abuse-i-suffered-in-their-care-6496457.html

The Church of England are hypocrites of the highest order.
And every time they violate my life, they re-open all the injustice wounds and leave me raw and traumatized and unable to effectively relate to my friends and support network and feeling desparate.

Traffik between one abusive organization and another, how often does it happen?

The picture on the Needle Blog of Jimmy Saville with his NSPCC badge and a cheque, makes my stomach churn.
He supports them, they provide for his needs, or desires.
The Diocese wanted me to be in the hands of that organization, vulnerable and damaged, in the hands of an organization as political and abusive as the Church of England themselves.
How sick.
And because they are a 'Charity', the Diocese would not have to pay anything to traffik me to them.
Vulnerable people are at significant risk in the Diocese of Winchester's hands.

This is who the church of england have tried to traffik me to, http://theneedleblog.wordpress.com/2014/01/06/savile-victims-call-for-inquiry-while-nspcc-equivocate/

described in the press release by Bishop (Dakin) Luther-Pendragon as 'help the diocese have offered me and worked hard to accross the diocese to get for me', I wish the church of england would learn English, accross the Diocese means from the Channel islands to North Hampshire and from East Hampshire to Dorset, Dakin probably meant his staff at Old Alresford Place phoned the NSPCC, even though I am not a child or a carer of a child.

I remember Old Alresford Place, JM's Benefice Administrator ran off with a girl there and left his wife dying of cancer, to hell with morals and setting an example, that was one of my first experiences of how the Church of England is nothing to do with Christianity, funny how that was forgiven and I am still publicly branded and condemned for being an abuse victim who fought back to an abuser-sheltering church.

accidents, advice and inaccuracies

I have to wonder, did the Diocese of Winchester also have the services of the NSPCC when it came to advice about cover-ups at the expense of victims?

And also, am I going to meet with one of those 'convenient' accidents that befall a number of victims who speak up, if they are not driven to suicide as I nearly have been? Sometimes those accidents occur in police cells, I have been brutalized and seen it covered up and denied by the police enough by now, and I know so much about so many cases in which victims and vulnerable people are destroyed because it is deemed less harmful by big powerful corperations to see them meet with an accident rather than that corperation taking responsibility for themselves.
If the diocese can lie in court about the harm they did that provoked me, and can cover up so much as they have done since March last year and even earlier, they can find ways to have me put away or bumped off, they have repeatedly tried to have me put away and they know I go into a fury when they provoke me.
Wicked Godless soulless, consciousless people.

If anything happens to me, the Diocese of Winchester will not walk away from it.

Does anyone still question my disgust at the Diocese trying to set the NSPCC on me? -edited

http://theneedleblog.wordpress.com/2014/01/06/savile-victims-call-for-inquiry-while-nspcc-equivocate/

Two names, one, Jimmy Saville, two (not pictured) Esther Rantzen.

Truly the Diocese do not have a clue.

At least you hope they don't.

The NSPCC is sadly nothing good or beneficial. I am not sure what their role is any more. I should think that a number of other people, especially victims, feel the same.

One abuser-harbouring cover-up organization, the church of england, tried to farm me off to another abuser harbouring  cover-up organization, the NSPCC.

The Diocese of Winchester, after wasting half a million and wrecking my life and causing an all-out war with the Jersey Deanery, decided to refer me to the NSPCC, which is inadequate, inapropriate and insulting, and also cost them nothing as the NSPCC is a charity.

Jimmy Savile had links with the NSPCC, thus denying access to help for his victims.
I did not authorize the Diocese to refer me anywhere, especially not after the harm they did to me, and the Bishop threatening me.

Home Coming

During 2006 I owned and read a great book called 'Homecoming' by John Bradshaw, I did not really understand that it was about attachment, nor did I really understand attachment theory, but nonetheless I found the book one of the most profoundly helpful self-help books I had found, and I had been working through all sorts of self-help programmes since I left my family.
It is written in terms that ordinary people can understand and does not claim to be an attachment theory manual. It effectively explains attachment problems and how to work through them.

At the same time I was receiving very helpful counselling from a very good counsellor, and although I didn't know it at the time, she was working with me with attachment theory in mind.
My counsellor only stopped working with me as she retired and I moved away to college, and sadly I never really found someone of her skill to replace her.
Changes in my life, including a year at college, the damaging relationship with the Lihous and being without a therapist led to the attachment work being lost
But anyway, although at the time 'Homecoming' described to me how my family could really never be replaced and that gap had to be filled by me being my own parent and decision maker, I still had a longing to belong to a family and to be loved and accepted, this led to me ending up in the wrong hands firstly then in 2006 and then with the churchwarden and his wife in Jersey. Which reinforced the fact that belonging to another family doesn't really happen, or very rarely, and that motives for 'adopting' a vulnerable or isolated person are usually the wrong ones.

It is since being on the streets that I have really learned to be comfortable in my independence, and have come to understand the attachment disorder that prevents me from feeling safe with close involvement despite my old longing to belong, the damage to me by the church of England and the trauma with that and the lack of trust I have for anyone who tries to help that stems from continued interference by the diocese compounds all of this.

But anyway, in my recent research into disorganized attachment which I have been doing in order to help myself and help others to help me, I remembered 'Homecoming' and ordered a copy.

from homeless, written 05/03/2012, even the first line, very appropriate for today as I have been disturbed by noise on waking and I feel rattled andI hope to do some blogging today and am posting this to get me started

It is exceptionally hard to write anything in this blog or do anything about this blog.
I thought I would do what my friend did on facebook and do some confessions in order to start 'talking again'.

1. I hate noise first thing in the morning, any noise, especially crashes, bangs, barks, people talking, I also don't like to talk in the early morning, I like silence or quiet music. Until at least 9am.

2. I like bad weather.

3. I suffer from such severe social phobia/fear of people that if I was anyone else I would never leave the house, I cannot bear people near me.

4. I have forgotten the order of service in church, which I used to know by heart, I seem to have forgotten it rapidly due to trauma.

5. I whimper when I am distressed or have flashbacks, even in public.

6. I suck my thumb to help me fall asleep and when I feel tired or distressed, though not usually in public.

7. I need music to help me get through each day.

8. I don't remember any hugs or kindness in the first 17 years of my life. Apart from my brother and sister being kind sometimes, when their own problems were overwhelming them.

9. I like banana milkshake, but no one in the world knows it because I never drink it.

10. I like Irish music.

11. I like boring you by writing this.

Vicars with problems

Here is an article being tweeted this weekend.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2533699/Paedophile-vicar-46-facing-jail-admitting-having-8-000-vile-child-abuse-animal-porn-images.html

There are a lot of comments on this article in the Daily Mail online, but, I think one of the problems is to do with the Church of England's selection process.
As I have probably written previously, JM often shared professional confidences with me, including telling me about how wrong the selection process had been with two of her readers who were a couple, she told me how the panel selected one of the couple as a reader and rejected the other.
Now I knew this couple well, and knew that they were equally suitable, right down to their church of england attitude to the vulnerable, but now, the church of england are so desparate, they will take anyone on, anyone who says that they want a free house, half expenses paid and the respect that the dog collar will earn them.
Although JM used to complain about her salary, which at the time was only £16,500 plus house and half expenses.
Those of you who do not know, JM used to confide the confidences of her work and life and the lives of many of her parishioners to me on our daily walks.

So, a man with piercings and perverse habits can quite easily end up as a priest. Not that I am anti-piercings, but, why would a man who loves God need metal stuck in him? Just the same as, why would a man who loves God need to put a burning stick in his mouth?
More seriously and most importantly, how can a man with such perversions, which damage each and every child used in the pornography for life, be a servant of God?

Did Bishop Dakin actually achieve anything apart from damaging lives and wasting money?

New Years Prayers

New Years Day evening,
Prayers, resolutions, greetings.

Good evening, well I am not feeling great, it has been a stressful start to the New Year, with flashbacks, nightmares, bad weather and insomnia. Things can only get better, I hope.

My resolutions, or revolutions are, to cut down on salt and sugar, be more considerate, stop being a wide gob, and to persevere with indoors living and finding ways to ensure my therapy can proceed,
 (the trouble with this therapy is that I need to attend every single week, I cannot miss a week, thus I need to ensure the funds and being able to get there, although finance for transport has been offered).
Some people say that resolutions should be secret, but I am not superstitious.

In the Catholic church we confess our sins to each other and God like this:
I confess to Almighty God and to you my brothers and sisters, that I have greatly sinned, through my fault, through my own grevious fault - or similar, that makes us accountable.
So, I confess to you I have sinned, repented and asked God for forgiveness. Amen

In 2013, under great stress from the Church of England, my friends and church and people trying to help me have seen the worst side of me, under severe stress and angry and frightened, avoidant and bewildered, I confess I have worried and stressed my friends and I am sorry.
I confess any other sins that I cannot bring to mind, repent, and resolve to move forward with new intent in this New Year, Amen.

I pray for anyone, who, like me, finds it hard to see new hope in the New Year, for whatever reason, illness, homelessness, grief, break-up of relationships, storm damage, financial difficulties, abuse, trauma, or any other hurts that mean that this New Year's Day brings more despair. Amen

I pray for and bless all who have supported and helped me, and wish them a happy New Year, and likewise I pray for and bless all who have harmed me, especially those in the Church of England. Amen

New Year's (gloomy) message

Good morning,
Well the weather is a bit bad.

It is 2014, and I hope it is a better year, 2013 was a very tough year because the Diocese of Winchester harmed me for 9 months and there was nothing to show for what they did except my life in tatters, me in hiding and the whole rebuild of my life including college and my charity work ruined and terminated because of the serious damage done to me by the Diocese, I had to quit college and I am very sad about that as it was productive, beneficial and focused.

It was March that the Diocese launched on me in a very unmanaged and harmful way, and the end of November by the time they had wrecked my life and left me very unwell, that is most of the year ruined, and I pray earnestly that they do not do any kind of repeat performance or follow-up this year.

I do not need the Diocese's troubles, in my own life I remain vulnerable to dangerous and abusive situations, because, even though I can say that, I still cannot judge motives and can still end up in inappropriate and potentially dangerous situations, as I have done several times in the past year, and having such a one-sided and damaging record from the diocese means I am more at risk, cannot defend myself and have no access to police assistance or protection. I have not improved very much on my ability to judge potentially dangerous or abusive  situations, but I feel that if I can both stay off the streets and stay clear of the Diocese and their police, I can go on trying to survive and go on battling to access therapy, and hopefully, with time, my understanding of interpersonal relationships will improve and I will be less vulnerable as well as less fearful and unable to respond to help because of attachment disorder.

It all seems a bit hopeless, my safety and my access to protection from abuse have been ripped from me by the Diocese's need to brand me a criminal and defame me and label me as mad and bad, it leaves a very bleak future whichever way I look at it, I will always be a fugitive from their branding of me and will always have poor quality of life and be at risk and in fear, especially as my problems make their branding of me appear justified despite it being unchristian, callous and wrong, none of them would want to be ruined for being abused and suffeirng disorders beyond their control and unable to cope with the damage, this is why I ask God to let this year be the year that I quietly pass away, another 30 or 40 years of this damaged life is a horrifying thought, though the collective damage to me means I believe my lifespan is already significantly shortened.

As I cannot marry and raise a family, work in a productive or skilled job, let alone work at all, am limited as to what charity work I can do, am villified, branded and denied a second chance at life by the Diocese's recent actions and severely traumatized and physically and emotionally damaged and terrified of intervention, my prayer for death is not irrational or induced by the mental illness that the diocese, unqualified to make such diagnosis, tried to force me to have, and which has been refuted repeatedly, my wish to depart the world is rational and based on the reality of the seriousness of my situation and the lack of hope for anything better or any return of quality of life, escape from poverty and the dangers of the underworld in which I am forced to live, and is not accompanied by suicidal thoughts.

Basically, living in a world where abusers are believed, supported, sheltered, condoned, have a blind eye turned to them, and usually women, children and the vulnerable have to endure abuse and suffer worse if they report it, is not a good thing, the hardest thing in this world is to live in it, and I am waiting on God to be merciful and free me from a world where I am judged worse than an abuser by 'Christians'. Who have no qualms or conscience about their own actions and behaviour and see themselves as good and Christian, despite their untruths, cover-ups, harmful behaviour, abuse, lack of responsibility and accountability, and more.

I didn't sleep until 5am this morning and woke at 8, I am sitting in bed as the rain and wind batter the house, and feeling a bit fed up because I don't drink, didn't drink last night but I have a hangover from lack of sleep.
At least I do not have to go anywhere today, and I pray for all the homeless out in this weather, for shelter.
Because I am the lucky one for now, I am not out in it, but I know what it is like to be homeless in bad weather when everywhere is closed for Christmas and New Year.

Later I will do some New Year's prayers and resolutions.

Last night I was telling someone about the dustbins talking when I was homeless.
I am very active in my sleep, I snore, talk, scream, lash out with my fists, and once in Jersey I even ran out of my room and across the landing, screaming in my sleep.
Being so noisy and disrupted in sleep is not a great thing for a rough sleeper as it can give your hiding place away and put you at risk, and when I was sleeping among the dustbins once, my friend said she came along and she could hear the dustbins chattering away. (it was me, talking in my sleep, I am not mad) :)
Another thing I did when I was sleeping in a church porch was I hit the door so hard that I broke a few nails and had a green hand from the algae on the door. Woah!

Please excuse the gloom of the New Years Message, things can only get better, and it would be nice if I could hope that they would.

Happy New 2014

Happy New Year,
New Year is about staying up late, drinking tea and watching films, so we duly done that and now I should go to sleep but I don't know if I will, yes I probably will.
Now it is the new year, back to normal, whatever that is.
The fireworks were lovely.
Will it be a better year? Can it be worse? I guess the Diocese have the answers.

anything and everything

I always wanted to be able to share my story, all that time on the run from the diocese and while I was writing 'homeless' I always wanted to really tell my story, but even now, trauma makes it hard to tell.

I have just found out the meaning of life.
Amazon vouchers.
I like amazon vouchers. They are the solution.

From 'Homeless' written on 13.01/2012 Thanks SNAP please note, the original parts that I put in bold no longer show up in bold but it is all very relevant to me

SNAP (Survivors Network of People Abused by Priests) have been in touch with me today, they reminded me of a part of their website that I am going to quote and link to. The page is called 'Survivor's wisdom, and I hope that SNAP don't mind that I have put in bold some of the sentences that really resound with my case. Also keep in mind that this treatment by the church is not limited to the Catholic church at all.
http://www.snapnetwork.org/survivors_wisdom

Here are paragraphs that resounded with me:
SNAP:

1. Don't go to the Church. Many survivors have gone to church officials to look for help, guidance and/or healing. Many of us went to the church leaders after building up loads of courage and strength to face them because we wanted to make sure that our perpetrators didn’t abuse anyone else. We mistakenly thought that the church leaders would want to ensure others’ safety too and that the perpetrators would be removed from ministry. So many of us did this without ever telling anyone else. Then we found out we were wrong. The church leaders did not care about protecting others, and they did not care about us. Most of us found the experience of going to church leaders just awful. The church leaders were insensitive and acted like they did not know how to respond to us. We were looking for healing and consolation but found further victimization. Most of us left feeling devastated, and the entire experience of talking to church leaders left us hurting more than ever. Here are some of the responses received by church leaders across the country:
2. Sometimes they acted kind and then ignored the promises they made to “investigate” our allegations.
3. Usually they said that we were the first person to ever come forward to allege that Father So-and-so is a sexual molester. Many of us found out later that we weren’t the first to come forward and that church leaders had known about our perpetrators for years.
4. Others had the Chancellor, Provincial or even Bishop tell us that they are sure that Father So-and-so would never do such a thing. We must have misunderstood or misinterpreted Father’s affection.
5. Sometimes it was suggested by church leaders that we were bad for even saying such a thing. A few of us were offered the opportunity to go to confession.
6. More recently, the Church leaders offer to pay for counseling for us. But sometimes this comes with strings attached. Some survivors were told they had to attend counseling at Catholic Charities. We strongly recommend that you think twice before agreeing to this arrangement; in at least one case a court of law determined that the Catholic Charities counselor had to turn over records about the counseling to the church attorneys. There was no confidentiality.
7. Sometimes survivors have learned later that their first encounter with a church leader was recorded without their knowledge or permission.
8. Frequently, church leaders wanted us to tell all the “details” and in some cases became angry at us for telling those details. The experience left survivors feeling both invaded and blamed for the abuse while they were only telling what happened and what they had been asked to tell.
9. Here are some reasons why you could be hurt by going to church leaders:
   • When first beginning to deal with the abuse, we might not have all the facts straight regarding places, dates, times, etc. Frequently our memories become refreshed with lots of details only as we engage in the healing process, taking days, months, even years to uncover fully. If we’ve disclosed some details one day and recall more later, we will be discredited for being inconsistent about the details.
   • Growing up Catholic has taught us to trust our priests and bishops implicitly so we approach the church leaders with full trust and disclosure. We look up to them, and they are in positions of authority and power over us. They, on the other hand, do not trust survivors. They may even view you as “the enemy.” While we think they are trying to help us, they are in fact building a case against us without our knowledge. Things said during initial meetings with church leaders can easily be twisted to be used against you and have been used against a number of survivors.
   • Other survivors have gone to the Church leaders and have been hurt by doing so. Some of us were strung along for months while the church leaders waited for our statute of limitations to run on any legal action we had while we didn’t even know we had a right to any legal claim.
   • Most survivors do not want to receive money from the church as compensation for what was done to us. Most of us merely want to ensure that our perpetrators are removed from being able to abuse others in their position as trusted priests. We’d like some apology for what we’ve endured. Sometimes we want an apology or acknowledgment given to our parents. Sometimes we want the church to pay for our counseling or other expenses we may have. None of us wants to sue the church for millions of dollars. But one thing we have learned over the years is that when we do file law suits the church becomes accountable. Unfortunately, without any legal obligation to promises made by the church to you, there is little chance that you will actually get what you bargain for. The church is not bound to do anything for you unless there is a legal contract or court order mandating that it happen. I’d like to tell you that you can trust what the church leaders tell you, but so many survivors have received nothing but empty promises after being assured that certain things would occur (or not occur). So I feel obligated to warn you that it is probably best not to trust any one in a church position. I must go further to say that this remains true, even when you personally know the church leader. Many survivors have found themselves being employed by the church as Catholic school employees, DRE’s, parish workers, campus ministers, youth minister’s, etc. These church employees have not been treated any better than everyone else. In fact, the mistreatment by the church leaders has hurt some of these folks even more because they were friends of the church leaders. The betrayal is extremely painful. For many survivors, this is much worse than the pain from our actual abuse. We can understand that there is a “bad apple” in the bunch of priests of each Diocese but what we fail to understand is why the Church leaders leave these individuals in ministry when they know they have abused others. We also fail to understand why the church leaders are so inconsiderate to survivors.

SNAP:

1. Don't go alone! If you still decide to go to church leaders, don’t go alone. Taking someone with you provides a witness to the event and gives you someone to “debrief” with when its over. Write down what is said. Don’t believe what you hear just because they said it. Check it out with other sources before relying on what they tell you. Have a prepared time limit on how long you will meet with them and stick to it. Prepare ahead of time what you will and won’t tell and stick to your prepared plan. Protect yourself. Take time after any meeting with church leaders to “debrief” and go over what occurred. Keep track of all info you give them and exact details of what you tell. They are keeping track, so you should too.
2. Seek alternative Help! As an alternative to going to church leaders, we recommend that you go to a trusted family member or friend, or seek professional help from a counselor. Many others have gone through a process of healing from sexual abuse. We do not have to reinvent the wheel. We may as well learn from others, and for many SNAP members a professional counselor is very helpful.
3. Learn your legal rights. The church leaders have lots more information about our abuse than we do. They know our legal rights, but most of us don’t know. We can choose to exercise our legal rights or not, but it is empowering to make the choice. Without knowing, we don’t make the choice.
   Many SNAP members ignored learning about our legal rights because we assumed we didn’t need to learn them because the church leaders would do the right thing. By the time we figured out that the church leaders were not going to do the right thing it was too late for many of us to exercise our legal rights. We have noticed that frequently the church leaders string victims along until the statute of limitations has run, or in layman’s terms, the opportunity we had to file a claim was over. By the time many of us realized, it was too late to do anything. That experience was so painful to many survivors because it was another moment of helplessness and powerlessness at the hands of our perpetrator or his supervisors.

My own words: The church, by their actions against me, have prevented me from being able to take any action against them, they don't and never have cared about me but have kept up a pretence of concern whilst hugely and irreparably damaging me, and with my disability and in my state of mind I have been powerless and a drowned out voice.

SNAP:

1. Healthy Survivors: Many survivors have developed addictions or health problems. The pain and betrayal we felt while being abused was intense. We had no knowledge of how to cope with the experience of being abused as well as the feelings that came as a result of the abuse. All of us found a way to survive or we would not be here today. The problem is that many of the coping mechanisms we used to survive the abuse are not healthy. Here are some of the types of problems we have: Alcoholism; drug addiction; over-eating, under-eating or other eating disorders; co-dependency, finger-nail biting; promiscuity; detachment from intimacy; sleep disorders; religious fanaticism; stomach or intestinal problems; or an overall attitude of anger.
   If any of the above are a problem for you, SNAP recommends that you seek help. Now we are not being abused, so we don’t need to rely on the unhealthy coping mechanisms we used in the past. Help for these types of problems will liberate and allow us to face the real issues of our abuse. In SNAP meetings, we do not address addiction issues and recommend that survivors seek help for these from other sources.

I am full of anger and distress and I have eating problems, but at last I am free from the cruelty of the diocese and free to seek help.


SNAP:
We are the victims (survivors)! The abuse was not our fault, no matter what we did or didn’t do to stop it or prevent it. No matter whether it felt good or bad. No matter whether he bought us gifts, took us out to eat, or to fun places. No matter if we enjoyed his company. No matter if someone else had warned us to stay away from him. No matter what, the responsibility for a priest molesting us rests squarely on the priest. He was in a position of authority. We looked up to the priest. We trusted the priest, and we believed what he told us. We thought he was close to God and we might get close to God if we stuck close to him. He should not have touched us. He abused his position of authority. He used his position of being a priest to victimize us. He had no right to do this. He is a criminal, and what he did was a criminal act. We are victims of his crime. He and his bosses who trained him and supervised him were wrong. His bosses, the Bishops, Pastors, and teachers at his Seminary made a mistake in putting him into his position of priest. They did not do their job properly. If they had, he would not have become a priest and been in that position to hurt us. The church leaders and the priests are guilty. We are victims. We are innocent. We have been wronged. We deserve to have the wrong made right. That will mean different things to each of us, but we all deserve to be made whole, as much as that is possible.

From 'Homeless' written on 25/01/2012 I was mistaken about being free from them, and in a way I knew it, because I know Jane Fisher

Psychology: The Bishop and diocese were involved in my life still, albeit against my wishes, so my emails to them were about the pain they were causing me, and about my life and anguish, after all they had taken my friends and I had to tell someone. 
(note, this is about Jane Fisher and the Bishop hounding me in Winchester in 2010/11 and having me brutalized and locked up for my response, I couldn't really have responded any other way in the terrible circumstances).

I can’t bear to go to evensong, what they are singing about in there is totally at odds with what the church is. And yet so many of those elderly people have no idea at all that that is the case and the shock could kill them.

There are lots of groups and sites and people on facebook and Youtube offering support and solidarity to anyone who has suffered abuse in the church.

I am relieved to realise that in a lot of ways I am now free from the diocese, though the damage remains forever.

Missing Hampshire and my old community that I was alienated from by the Diocese of Winchester, I wrote this on 12/01/2012:
How I long for my home and the people I used to be close to.

Any requests?

I am taking requests to get me blogging again, what would you like me to talk about?

Here is an article about abuse survivors in Jersey.
http://www.channelonline.tv/channelonline_jerseynews/DisplayArticle.asp?ID=447225

I remember my counsellor in Jersey saying how she had abuse survivors from Haute de la Garenne seeing her and how they were afraid to speak up.

I just fished this off the 'Homeless' blog
http://blog.christianitytoday.com/women/2012/04/voice_of_the_victims_sex_abuse_1.html

lollys

Tony done a good blog about lollypops. http://tonymusings.blogspot.co.uk/2013/12/benefit-of-clergy.html

It reminds me if Bishop Scott-Joynt and Archbishop Carey sucking lollypops at our garden party many years ago.

Thoughts

Here are random thoughts, apparently the Diocese of Winchester wasted nearly half a million pounds damaging lives, especially mine, and yet in the end they apparently tried to palm me off to the NSPCC, which would have cost them nothing?! Cheapskate! They could have given me some of that half a million to live on, seeing as I am ruined and will be unlikely to get out of poverty in the remainder of my crippled life, and the NSPCC is entirely inappropriate, they are, sketchily, there to help children who are being abused, in theory, and have none of the resources to deal with a severely traumatized and displaced adult, but I guess that because the Diocese wouldn't have to pay them, as they are a charity, that is why the Diocese tried to palm me off on them after wasting half a million pounds.

The most frustrating thing is that the Diocese have got away with all this appalling mess, and no-one is holding them to account, Archbishop Wonga has not only allowed but condoned the damage, the Queen and Prime Minister are not interested, and so the Diocese have got away with flaying me and wrecking the rebuild of my life and leaving me profoundly damaged on top of the previous unhealed damage.

NSPCC?! HA!

You rabble gotta behave now, we have a VIP viewing the blog :)

I however, am allowed to poke my tongue out at the Bishop if I so wish :p

We had Bishops on this blog today, so it needs fumigating.
What is Bishop Tim reading my blog for? ominous.
I think he got the wrong post. Bish, try the more recent ones.

Ah, the reason uncle Tim started on that letter post was that was what he was given the link to, a long time ago.
He is slow.
But if he tries to have this blog taken down, the response will be very spectacular and public, cos the Church of England does not own the press in the UK! Bring it on, Tim, this blog is saved by a number of people and you will cause uproar if you have me battered and locked up again for writing my truth after having to hear your untruths in the press!

That Christmas -Jersey

The previous two Christmases had been sad, but that Christmas in Jersey ruined the magic of Christmas for me, right up to this Christmas, when unexpectedly and so soon after the nine months of hell from the Diocese, I have just had one of the best Christmases of my life.

Christmas in Jersey.
It could have been so different, it is very sad. I could have been on the mainland and had a good Christmas.
This is so hard to write.

The Korris report mentions the sexual abuse but never the emotional abuse.

A memory that frequently comes back to me is walking through St. Helier with the Church Warden, who called himself my 'Daddy', we were Christmas shopping.
Daddy was holding my hand as we walked, he often held my hand, and this was entirely his idea, he would hold out his hand for my hand, and he would walk with me, he called himself my 'Daddy' and called me his 'little daughter', regressing me to childhood.
Anyway, as we walked, he held my hand, but he kept snatching his hand away when he thought people 'were looking', which is what he did throughout our time together.
It hurt, it wounded me, because I fell for the innocent Daddy/Daughter thing, and a daddy does not hold his daughter's hand and then snatch his hand away and go on about 'people looking', even if no-one is looking, it was psychologically harmful.
I know that may not make sense to many people, you have to live through it to really understand it, and few people have been 'adopted' and then regressed to childhood and suffered such confusing wounding.

Anyway, it is eternally sad to remember how that Christmas could have been different.

JM, my friend, the Vicar who betrayed me in supporting both her abusive husband and the churchwarden in Jersey against me, and making me out to be a lying nymphomaniac, was still my friend at the time, despite having denied her husband's abuse of me, and blaming me, which left a permenant rift between us, but we were still good friends, and Juliet invited me over to spend Christmas with them that year, while all my friends were asking if I would come over (those friends who have been taken from me as a result of the Diocese), but the churchwarden, 'Daddy', wanted me to stay on the Island with him and his wife for Christmas.
I was concerned that 'Mummy', as he made me call her, was agreeing with him but did not seem enthusiastic, I kept asking if it was really alright? And in the end, I agreed to spend Christmas with 'Mummy and Daddy' in Jersey.

So, in order to even things out, I went to Hampshire for a pre-Christmas visit, to see everyone and give them Christmas gifts and cards.
Looking back on that makes me sad, because the Diocese have wiped out all those friendships by giving their side of things to everyone and parading me as mad and bad.

Anyway, I had a lovely pre-Christmas visit, and was just sad to miss the Christmas eve party at my friends' and the Christmas I could have had with JM, having had a lovely Christmas with her and her family some years earlier.

So I returned to Jersey for Christmas.

And it was one of the most soul-destroying Christmases.

I will never forget that Christmas eve, I was lied to.

The Churchwarden's wife told me that they were going to 'run a few errands', it was Christmas eve evening, they went out to a party that I was not invited to, and were out until very late night, running errands and going to a party and lying about it is not the same thing, and I was devastated. Already it was a very sad and upsetting Christmas. Because I knew I had been lied to, I knew where they were, I went to check. And I went down to the beach and cried.
Because the churchwarden always said I was their adoptive daughter, and yet, I was not part of their family publicly, they avoided telling anyone about that, including the people who's party they went to with their son.

By the time they got back, very late, I had spent Christmas eve alone and had been lied to, and it was very sad, and I told them I knew, and didn't get a very coherent response. As was always the case, the churchwarden's wife was always happy to slate me, but never to take responsibility. She really was put in a bad situation by her husband, as she did not want me, and she was made to be my 'mummy' by him, I never liked her either, and I should have know how to see it was not a health situation, especially after she called me a burden. But the churchwarden seemed to like the tension and he deliberately stirred it up and caused conflict between her and me.

Anyway. So, it was a miserable Christmas eve spent on my own, and then midnight mass at that awful church with the churchwarden.
But the Christmas Day took the magic out of Christmas, because even up to then I saw Christmas as a magical time, and then I saw Christmas through the eyes of people who only saw it as a nuisance because they already had everything, and I was rejected in front of everyone by the churchwarden's wife that day.

So Christmas Day was another dreary morning at that church, this time with the churchwarden's wife and son, who hadn't come to midnight mass with us.
Afterwards we went to the Churchwarden's brother's house, there was no present opening either before or after church or at the churchwarden's brother's house, it appeared that that had been forgotten in their version of Christmas, it was so sad.

But when we got to the Churchwarden's brother's house, I got the impression that Christmas was a nuisance to such people, who's wealth meant it was Christmas every day, and there was no joy, no happiness, it was kind of funeral like in a way.

It was decorated for Christmas, as far as I remember, decorations on those sweeping staircases up to the landing. Very grand.
But it wasn't Christmas there.
The Churchwarden's brother had a teenage son from his second marriage, who was a Victoria college student, of course, because all the males in the family were. The Son was obviously not keen on it being Christmas, or joining the family for the polite and awkward social chat, he wanted to play his computer games, it was just another day.

The churchwarden's brother, who's name was John, had a daughter from his first marriage, who was over from London, and she was a lawyer. I remember the churchwarden's son introducing her to me as his cousin, it reminded me sharply of how I was not really part of the family.
The churchwarden had said to me over and over again in the run up to Christmas, and that day, that I would be there as part of the family, but I obviously wasn't.

The Churchwarden stayed close to me all the time, he didn't seem to be enjoying himself, he was very quiet indeed, which was unusual for him, and even at the time, I was puzzled and did not know what was wrong with him, it remains a puzzle, he was not his loud and laughing self, he did not seem to like being there, he sat quietly, holding my hand when no-one was looking and keeping me with him, and it remains that I never knew him to visit his brother and family or phone them or speak of them in all the time I knew him, his wife did visit them, but he did not, and they never phoned. It is a sharp and spooky memory of his silence that Christmas Day that remains with me.
There was no real Christmas in that Christmas, we did have a big Christmas meal, and the Churchwarden continued to stay close to me.

After that we kind of sat somewhere, it seemed crowded and it was not a normal lounge, it seemed crowded when there was so much space in the other rooms.

It was awful, the Churchwarden's wife made it quite clear in front of everyone that I was not family but someone they took pity on, after the Churchwarden had said I was part of the family and would be on Christmas Day.
Someone came to join the 'Party', us sitting there like lemons, and the churchwarden's wife told the newcomer that I was someone from church that they had taken pity on.
(ie I was not the adoptive daughter that her husband said I was, and her tone said I was an unwelcome 'burden' as she had referred to me before).

I had had enough of being cramped and squashed and 'taken pity on', so I escaped this cramped pointless huddle in this room where were just kind of sitting, and I went outside, it was getting dark now, and my car, which I had driven up in as requested, was blocked in.
So I decided to go for a walk.

I walked in the dark, and I cried, because being family/not family was so very very painful, the churchwarden always told me I was family and that he was 'Daddy' and his wife was 'Mummy', his wife did not like being Mummy and was always carefully trying to cut me out and get rid of me, but Daddy was dominant and he said I was his daughter, and he regressed me to childhood and sat me on his knees, but the outside world and their own family did not know I was 'daughter' and they omitted it from their 'Christmas Newsletter', although, without my permission, they did put me and a photo of me with him in the newsletter, as a new friend or something, I always think that people who do Christmas Newsletters are very arrogant anyway.

Anyway, I kept walking, and crying, because it had been a dreadful day, not Christmas at all, no presents, no happiness and joy, no goodies, nothing apart from the meal, not even a decent church service - I was already looking for a new church anyway.
It was a Christmas with a family who simply endured Christmas rather than enjoying it, they had everything, and I was a burden. I walked up to the North Coast, looked at the stars and cried because I could have enjoyed Christmas on the mainland with my old friends.

I fell as I walked, my weak leg gave way and I went over, which made it all worse.

I went back, my car was no longer blocked in, and I drove back down the hill and to the churchwarden's house, where I was staying at the time, he had told me not to lock myself in my room but I did, and I went to bed.
My phone rang and I was sleepy so I didn't answer it, I slept, and I woke the next morning.

The next morning the churchwarden was knocking on my door and demanding that I came out so he could hug me, yes, that is what he was like, I told him it would be rude for him to hug me because I was still in my pyjamas.
But he persuaded me out and hugged me and hugged me and kissed me and told me he had come after me and tried to find me and had phoned me to ask me to come back for tea.

I didn't belong with his family, an object of pity, and I could never have gone back and endured more, it had been an awful day.

Anyway, it never got any better, that Christmas took some of my innocent joy away, I did not know that people saw Christmas as a nuisance and an endurance, even in all my Christmases as a young adult, my friends and I enjoyed Christmas and the run up to it. I guess it was like finding out Santa Clus isn't real, only I don't remember that.

I think it was boxing day that we actually started unwrapping presents, I had plenty of presents from those (now gone) friends in Hampshire, I don't remember much except a bone china mug with a £20 note in it from my friend who always did me a 'teapot' when I went to see her.

But I do remember how sad it all was, 'Daddy' wasn't even in the room while we did presents, he spent most of his life alone in his office, but would call me to him if I walked past, and would sit me on his knees.
Anyway, Daddy was not there, and I was happily opening my presents and making a fuss, because that is what you do at Christmas, even if it is a day late, but then it was bad again, because this is when 'Mummy' decided to present her son with some family heirloom because he decided to marry the woman he was sleeping with at long last.
I felt that I was kind of in the way of a private moment, so I stopped making a fuss over my presents and went into the kitchen for a cup of tea, because I don't know the rules but that was a private moment and I didn't belong.
But then Daddy came in and asked my why I had left my presents? And I told him I was intruding, so he sat with me in the kitchen.

Oh, what an awful Christmas.

The Churchwarden, to his credit, did try to make it a happy Christmas for me,while I was away in Hampshire, he even put decorations and presents in my room, labelled 'Daughter', but his wife was quite clear long before Christmas, that I was a burden, which broke my heart, and she made Christmas awfully sad for me. And that Christmas haunted me for many years, even until this year, when I had such a healing and lovely Christmas.

In the days after Christmas, 'Daddy' and I sat doing a puzzle in the 'dining room', he was very loving and affectionate and close, sitting me on his knees, stroking and kissing and being very close, like a lover, even though his wife was often only in the kitchen.
And actually one of the reasons I thought it was ok was that she was nearby through that.
I believe he was trying to make up for Christmas, but he was too close to the boundaries.

After Christmas I crashed into severe depression, which the Doctor diagnosed as a virus, and despite saying it was a virus, he put me on antibiotics.
I didn't really recover in my time in Jersey, and it looked like a return of the M.E. I had had a few years previously that I had overcome.

I remember 'Mummy' coming home and seeing me sitting there and saying 'don't beat yourself up', which, even when I translated that into neurotypical, I never understood.
She refused to let anyone discuss Christmas ever again, but was quite happy to discuss my faults.

She did, for some reason, take me back to the brother's house just after Christmas, and left me alone with the brother and his wife, I can only guess, but I think I was supposed to apologize for walking out.

The reality of how Money can't buy happiness is all there in this account of that Christmas, joy and innocence cannot easily be bought but can be taken away very easily.

random - attachment disorder

Good morning,

I am waiting to return to my therapy and just musing quietly, because I cannot afford any books on attachment disorder.
How to help attachment disorder in my case:

• Lots of solitude, sitting here by myself, just doing my own thing, I am not lonely, my friends are within reach but I am better being alone for long periods of time, this is not a cure, but it helps keep the disorder quiet and under control. If I was being crowded and over-looked-after and intensely helped by people who misguidedly want to 'love me better' or 'heal' me, I would start going bonkers with distress because I have no ability to respond appropriately to close involvement, this is why 'care' doesn't work for me, because I actually look after myself in basic needs, as best I can in poverty, but if anyone tries to look after me, I just get mad with distress, because the normal responses in me are messed up. This and autism spectrum, leads to me getting very angry and saying things I shouldn't and running away.
• Independence, with friends around but not closely involved. We have a good balance here, I have friends nearby and further away, who are on the phone and email, and I see them at church or when I can, but they do not do the intense but misguided 'healing' thing that a number of over-zealous 'Good Christians' have tried to do, and harmed me and them. Intense involvement would not help me or anyone being intensely involved, because I am avoidant and react badly, the only thing that can change this is therapy.
• Therapy, I will have attachment therapy, it has taken until this year to realise that attachment disorder was the main problem, but it is at the core of my problems, and I need to realign my ability to bond and to break unhealthy bonds. I still also need EMDR, but I believe that the attachment therapy is a priority, because I can't see EMDR working unless a proper foundation or healthy interaction with people is there first. That is my theory.

Duh!

Duh, I have been to wound up to think about the Steel report and all that.
Whoever brought legal representation against the Diocese over the Steel Report must have known what was in the Steel Report.
Duh, I guess all the bloggers and everyone must have known all that, but I am a bit dumb.

New year's Revolutions

I am sitting here thinking about New Years Revolutions to to do:

I came up with this:

Revolution 1: Convert the Diocese of Winchester to Christianity.
Revolution 2:
Revolution 3:

Well, seeing as Revolution 1 is such a massive impossible task, I think I had better focus on that, and forget about things like giving up swearing and chocolate. :)

I only do revolutions, because resolutions are boring.

Bob in the moon

I will post this just because I am still worried about Uncle Bob being in the moon and ILM with his hands somewhere they shouldn't be. http://photopol.com/jersey/olixmas.html
Haha, Bob just online when I wrote this.

I will do a post later about that Christmas in Jersey. :(

Christmas Message to Bishop Tim Dakin and the Diocese of Winchester

Dear Bishop Dakin and Diocese of Winchester,

You have made this year very very traumatic and difficult for me, your actions and the stress as a result of your actions have led to me being alienated, isolated, prevented from seeking help, unable to continue with college and charity work, and generally you have upset the rebuild of my life and left me in poor health and very traumatized and psychologically damaged.

It appears that you have had no thought for, or understanding of, my welfare, and have used me as a pawn in a fight with the Deanery of Jersey.

The end result for me is that I am not very well, and due to having been on incapacity benefits for three years now, I am likely to be sent back to work by the benefits agency despite not being fit due to the damage that your actions over the past year has caused to my health, this leaves me facing a bleak future as well as the possibility that I will not be able to afford my therapy, which is not available on the NHS.

I would ask you, in the spirit of goodwill that is reputed to be around at this time of year, not to further harm me in the New Year, years of harm at the hands of the Diocese of Winchester leads me to believe that you have not and will not cease to intervene in my life and harm me, and I would beg you to desist from harming me and not return to your efforts in the New Year, you have left me crippled for life with a record that you got me due to your own negligence and incompetence, and no further intervention by you is necessary, I will never recover and am unlikely to ever have quality of life again as a result.

Your handling of the abuse I have suffered and the misconduct of your clergy has been appalling and the way you have acted throughout this year, with the production of inaccurate reports that omit my side of things, your violations of my life and the way you have treated me, ending in your utterly ludicrous statement that included branding me 'lost, last or least' is inexcusable and appalling and I am sure, just as everyone saw through that statement, you know you cannot stand before God and say that you have acted with integrity.

I would ask again that you do not renew your onslaught against me in the new year, I am facing a bleak future due to your actions and am very very damaged physically and mentally by your actions.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year,

HG

Christmas Prayers and Greetings

I will start my Christmas prayers and Christmas greetings by repeating my prayers from earlier.

I pray for all those without power because of the weather, anyone suffering flooding or wind or storm damage, anyone trying to get home and being thwarted by the weather, anyone stuck far from home, anyone who is cold and tired and unable to get to their destination.
And, of course, I pray for the homeless who are out in this weather, with everywhere closing for Christmas, I pray that all homeless will recieve some warmth, kindness, compassion and hot food and drinks.
I pray for anyone who's Christmas is being spoiled by the weather.
In Jesus' Name, amen.

I pray for all who are going to find this Christmas difficult, especially those many people who are struggling financially and have found getting food difficult and getting presents for children and loved ones impossible, I pray for all who will feel sad and left out as they struggle while everyone else seems to be having fun. Amen

I pray for anyone who is alone, lonely or feeling left out this Christmas, I pray that they will be comforted and have hope and resolution for better times in future to buoy them up. amen

I pray for all vulnerable people, children and women in situations where they are abused and may be expecting the abuse to worsen during the Christmas Holidays, for their safety and an end to abuse, please Lord Jesus. Amen

I pray for those who are unwell or injured or dying and cannot enjoy the festive season, for comfort for them. Amen

I pray for any Children who are in poverty and cannot expect anything nice or any gifts or treats this Christmas, for their hope and welfare and for unexpected good surprises for them and for their families. Amen

I pray for warmth for those who are cold tonight, and for food for those who are hungry, shelter and outreach for those who are on the street, and safety for those in danger. Amen

I pray for all the young people out celebrating Christmas and New year at Parties, Pubs and Clubs, for their safety and welfare, and that they remember that it is not just about drinks and hangovers, that there is more to Christmas than that. Amen

Jesus, as we celebrate Your Birth, bring comfort to those in need, help to those in trouble, and bring hope and a future to those in despair. Saviour of the World, I ask this in Your Name. Amen.

Thank You Lord Jesus and Father God, for the way You have provided for me, in my years on the streets and in this homecoming, thank You for the courage, compassion and love that has brought me off the streets and home for Christmas, and providing for my every need this Christmas. Amen.

Lord I pray for my friends and family, those I see and those I no longer see, that they have a joyous Christmas and that emnity and tensions and worries are left behind as they celebrate.
Amen

I pray for everyone who has helped me and provided for me, and especially blessing for those who have been hurt by my traumatic reaction of anger and attachment disorder which causes a barrier between me and those who get too close, because I cannot trust and bond properly. I pray that my therapy can proceed in the New Year so that I can learn to respond well to love and care, and I pray healing for anyone who I have inadvertantly hurt.
Amen

I pray for my street brothers and sisters, especially those who have selflessly looked after me, sharing food and keeping me safe at night and keeping me company, bless all the precious and traumatized people who have to live on the streets or in inadequate or temporary accommodation.
Amen

I pray for anyone in Jersey who is struggling with injustice, illness, poor accommodation, money worries, loss of career or any other problem that is marring their Christmas. Amen

I pray a blessing on each and every person reading this blog, for whatever reason, those who know me, those who have found the blog by chance and those who have heard of it from various sources, I pray that you are blessed with a happy Christmas and New Year, no matter who you are. Amen

I pray for myself, that God can forgive my sins and especially my anger and irritation as the last 9 months have seen my life ripped apart by the actions of the Church of England.
I pray that I can find peace as the damage by the Diocese is so severe, and I am facing a bleak future as it is unlikely that I can stay on incapacity benefits after three years and am likely to be told to seek work, but the damage to my health by the Diocese means I am not fit for work, and so I am facing losing benefits and being unable to work, and thus not being able to afford my therapy, which is not available on the NHS. I would ask you to pray for me also. The damage by the Church of England to my life is always going to affect me, and I would ask God for my death, even though I am not mentally ill and will continue to make the best of life while God keeps me alive. Amen

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all my old and new friends, family, anyone reading the blogs, churches, Jersey bloggers and everyone.

Christmas Prayers 1

I will start my Christmas Prayers now because of the Weather.

I pray for all those without power because of the weather, anyone suffering flooding or wind damage, anyone trying to get home and being thwarted by the weather, anyone stuck far from home, anyone who is cold and tired and unable to get to their destination.
And, of course, I pray for the homeless who are out in this weather, with everywhere closing for Christmas, I pray that all homeless will recieve some warmth, kindness, compassion and hot food and drinks.
In Jesus' Name, amen.

copied from homeless, historic posts

05/02/2012
The way the church have treated me, judged me and damned me is nothing to do with God.
I cannot begin to imagine how these people who falsely called me mad and who lie, even to a court, and excuse themselves on the grounds of mental illness that I do not have, can still claim to be to do with God.

05/02/2012
The church are supposed to be there for my spiritual salvation and saving,
instead they have left me lost and sickened when I enter a church.

This was actually written in Jersey and reproduced on 'Homeless' on 01/02/2012

This was written after the abuse by my adoptive father and the end of the relationship and the reporting of the abuse, it is about the sorrow of losing the father I had looked for and about my attempt to keep my faith, and also about my death wish as the pain was so bad. I have changed one line in order to protect identity, It is God I am running to in the last line, I tried so hard to have God as my replacement father:

Beloved Father:

Every night I dream the same,

All the accusation, all the shame,

I am disabled so blame my disability,

For others’ stupidity and irresponsibility,

For others sinful motives I am hurt,

For my reactions to their treatment,

I am wrong because they can’t be,

I am a burden an outcast,

They despise me for my past,

Every night I dream I am running to you,

Outstretched arms, yours are too,

Then you turn away.

I loved you as a daughter loves a father

Why was I accused?

I trusted you,

Why was that trust abused?

But as time goes and memory is gone,

I will go on searching everywhere,

For that shore more beautiful than my home,

He is waiting for me there,

 And I will be a child again,

Running to my Father’s arms with joy.


And this was written on 'Homeless' on 30/01/2012 Keep in mind that it has taken me years to start to recover and I was still very angry and frightened and traumatized when I wrote this:

The church have had their say about me while having me forcibly prevented from giving my evidence because I was locked up and in terror and distress, when do I get to give my evidence while they are treated as I was?

They are the church, I am one hellishly damaged disabled person, when is it going to be equal and the God of justice that they claim to serve allows justice and me to speak and be heard and believed against the great powerful and Godless church that did this to me?

Homeless 30/01/2012:

http://www.fisheaters.com/clergysexabuse.html

All denominations and doctrines contain abuse and cover up, and all denominations and doctrines contain good and genuine people who believe and practice what they preach.

I have good and genuine friends in a number of denominations, including the denomination in which I was abused. Some of my friends were abuse victims too.

Homeless 30/01/2012:

The abuser is usually someone well-off, respected in the church, in leadership of some form or another because it is easy for someone who needs to control and be in control to climb the church leadership ladder, it is made for them.

And the victim? Usually isolated due to poverty, disability or illness or even lack of family in the too often middle class family focussed churches.
The Diocese of Winchester is almost without exception a Diocese of Wealthy churches and I was a misfit.

(23/12/13 I actually named the diocese here in the post, probably by accident, because during the time I was writing 'homeless' I normally changed names as I was on the run and fearful that the Diocese would have me captured again)

So what happens? The potential victim is spotted by the potential abuser, the potential abuser offers attention to the isolated potential victim, and if they respond, as many will because they want to belong, to be accepted, to be less alone, then the abuser gradually takes them over, making them feel accepted and slowly introducing the abuser's own agenda. And either the abuser gets what he wants, or he gets what he wants to a certain extent and then the victim puts a stop to it and returns to isolation or alienation and with the burden of consceince but no reporting of the matter, or they report the abuser who is in a strong position while they are in a weak one, and suffer the consequences of the church's reaction to a 'favourite' being reported by an 'outsider' of the tight circle of church leaders and politics

Where is God in this as it happens thousands of times over?

How can it be that church leadership are sometimes as far from Christianity as it is possible to be, while they 'lead' what is supposed to be a Christian organization?

A number of links about Church based abuse. Judging by the way the Church of England are still treating survivors, they still lack the will to safeguard, and there are many voiceless victims. The Diocese of Winchester remains without safeguarding and priests are allowed to libel and attack already suffering survivors

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/1566826/C-of-E-child-abuse-was-ignored-for-decades.html

http://www.hulldailymail.co.uk/Church-cover-challenged-sake-abuse-victims/story-15121603-detail/story.html

What intrigued me about this third link originally when I posted it on 'Homeless' was some of the comments, I am startled to see that the comments have been removed. I am not homophobic, but no ordained priest should abuse their position, not Peter Ould with his bullying and sex blog, not a gay priest or even a straight priest using their position to lure vulnerable people in for sex, it is wrong if any person does it, it is much much more wrong when a priest, who should know right from wrong, deliberately behaves wrongly, and that includes the Jersey Deanery clergy and readers in their actions as a result of the abuse I suffered and the Dean's suspension.

http://www.standard.co.uk/news/gay-priest-sacked-for-lurid-conduct-6553884.html

And here is an article Peter Ould won't like, because what he himself does is a form of abuse, he abuses me in deriding me, he abuses the Church's Christian ethic, what is left of it, he abuses God, and he abuses his own soul. Most of all, in attacking me, he abuses every survivor of the Church of England's abuse, appalling safeguarding, cover ups and secrecy, and invalidates them and what they have been through, there is no excuse for Peter Ould, and the sooner he and his cronies leave my blog alone, the sooner God can consider forgiving them.

http://tessera2009.blogspot.co.uk/2010/03/sexual-abuse-of-women-in-church.html

Here is another excellent link

http://www.jmm.org.au/articles/5475.htm

And:


http://www.healclergyabuse.com/

And

http://www.educatingtoendabuse.com/id23.html

Article.
I had no idea that other people went through the same as me when I was being abused by the church.

http://ffrf.org/legacy/books/betrayal/

Abuse is universal and inexcusable, it ruins lives.

http://www.brokenrites.org.au/drupal/

and:

http://www.underthegreenwave.com/clergy-abuse-survivors-kicked-out-of-church/

http://www.csmonitor.com/2002/0405/p01s01-ussc.html

http://www.crusadeagainstclergyabuse.com/index.html

http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2002/marchweb-only/3-18-31.0.html

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/19042603

http://archives.weirdload.com/stats.html

update

Good evening. Just to update you on what is going on with the blogs. I have imported 'The Wanderer' to this site, 'The Wanderer' tells you two years of my life on the streets after fleeing the Diocese of Winchester, the Wanderer has a gap in February and March of this year when I attempted to live indoors before the Diocese launched on me, and it ceases altogether in October, two years after it started, as the Church of England were hurting me terribly and I became very ill with stress and thus M.E. and had to quit all my activities, including college and the preparations for a second sponsored trek.
'Life after the Diocese' tells of my new life, and I have merged 'The Wanderer' with 'Life after the Diocese' on this blog nest, so it is all accessible in one now.

http://lifeafterthediocese.blogspot.co.uk/

I will also be importing 'Homeless' to this blog nest, but will be keeping it offline while I sort through it and transfer my story to this blog.

Tech probs

Due to technical problems recently, a few posts have been a bit messed up.
Just in case the message hasn't got through, I am doing a new day-to-day blog called 'Life after the Diocese', which is available on my blog list.
This is so that I can share the traumatic historic stuff on this blog without disrupting it with daily posts, a bit like when I divided 'homeless' and 'The Wanderer'.

I will be transferring posts as soon as we sort out the internet this week.

http://lifeafterthediocese.blogspot.co.uk/

Today's post.
Well the weather is a bit rough today, and yesterday and tomorrow. for once the Daily Express's Hysteria about the weather appears to be correct.

Yesterday evening I battled through weather and rush hour and pain to see my friends.
It was worth it, I was delighted when I got there that they had got me a real little Christmas tree, all decorated with lights and baubles and in a pot.

We went shopping, and so I have another load of groceries and goodies.
And then we had a meal and a good old natter, so that was lovely.

It was very late last night when I got home. And I was tired and in pain, but it was all worth it.

I slept through the night, woke in pain at 7am and took painkillers, and then fell asleep until 10.15am!!!!!!!!!
The luxury of housedwelling, a lie in as the rain and wind batter the house.
It took me a few hours to sort myself out and then go in town to look for a new collar. I haven't found one yet, so I will have to ask the phys or the doctor.
Haha, yes, I need a new neck collar, I haven't worn one since Jersey, and I think it got left there, but the pain is so horrendous, even with 1000mg (prescribed) of ibuprophen and combination painkillers, which make me feel more ill.
Collars remind me of a female priest I know, who never wears her dog collar, and she got told off by a man at church for not wearing a collar, and so when she was sorting out leads and collars for her dogs, she tried on a studded dog collar and considered going to church wearing it. Ah, it did suit her :)

Well today I am going to see if I can arrange a physio appointment and then I am going to wrap up in my princess blanket and watch television, or the fish tank, depending on what is on :) Tomorrow I am going to startle the gang by turning up at church wearing a coat, that'll worry them!

Excuse the lack of historic posts, I can't do much online at the moment and I am not well enough to focus on transferring posts from 'homeless' to this blog yet.

today's post

Good evening.
Really feeling unwell, but am out and about at the moment.
This morning I did a very successful shift on street collection for charity, but I was very glad of my thermal top, it was bitter cold out.
Then I have stayed out and about, shopping, running errands and other things, and my friends have asked to borrow me, so I am about to fight my way through rush hour to get to them a while :) hey hey, I'm dreaming of a hot chocolate, with whipped cream and marshmallow.
I will be online first thing in the morning if not again tonight.  If I even get home tonight.

today's post Home for Christmas :)

Well yesterday was getting increasingly stressful as I sat there feeling cold and ill and unable to communicate with any of the essential people, you know how I get when that happens.
Then gradually it all started to sort out, and I felt like a fool for panicking.
Sorry I got stressed, everyone, and thanks for everything.

A few rain showers and heartfelt chats later, we got me as far as a cafe in town and then home.

And then it was all lovely, apart from the pain.

everything looked lovely, the fairy lights, all my cards hung up on strands of tinsel, the candle lit, all beautiful.
I was left alone in the house with the sattelite tv, but I found the fish tank much more interesting to watch.So me and the cat watched the fish tank for a while :)
I was so tired that I was in bed by 8pm, but I woke at 1.30am in horrendous pain, got up, took painkillers with tea and did acupressure and slept again.

I was up at 6am, all excited cos it's Christmas and I am home and everything is awesome!
Still in pain but a bit less, I had a shower and did acupressure and came into town as I am due to be on charity duty in an hour. Not my best thing, but I am happy to help.

It's Christmas! And I am home! :):):) yay.
Last Christmas was tough because I was severely depressed and my friends were ill as well, this year things have been tough but I think the tough has broken up for Christmas.

I hope to be online this afternoon.

Lots of new readers along the South Coast in the last 24 hours, cool. :) I hear you get gales there sometimes.

today's post

Hey peeps,
I am being delayed, I am waiting for the move 'home for Christmas' if you like.
This is frustrating.
I feel quite tired and shaky and unwell after yesterday's efforts, so I hope that various people that I am relying on, make contact.
I will not be online much after today, but don't panic, I will still be writing, and I will post when I get an opportunity, and I will be transferring my full story from the homeless blog to this one, the story of my life in Jersey and before, wonder if I will get arrested for data protection breaches? :)

I am so tired, when I get home I will sleep for a while, and hopefully with some painkillers and lots of deep heat cream, I will be back to normal soon.

this morning's post

Good morning,
7.30am, moving on day.
Can't do much until midday, so have to wait and hope for the best.

I was dreaming a lot in the night, dreamed of my family, sad confused dream, dreamed of my uncle Mike, then I dreamed I was working with a very sad and quiet gardener, and he said to me 'you never ask questions or try to get me to talk', and I replied that I never asked questions or tired to get people to talk, and he said that because of that, he would talk to me.
He told me about his son who had been killed while working on a hedge.

That was a sad dream.