Written last year, still in the same anguish as now

Written Last Year 2013:

In march this year, my world was shattered.
The Church of England had me traced by the police.

The Same Church of England who destroyed me through the police.

The Diocese of Winchester, in who's care I had been abused, belittled, downtrodden and ruined, the Diocese who gave me a criminal record, and yet who are there and in their well-paid positions because they claim to be Christians.

There is nothing Christian in the damage done to me in and by the Diocese of Winchester, from beginning to end.

And especially, there is nothing Christian in what they have made me suffer since March.

Here is a description of the impact of the Diocese's unethical and wrong tracing of me, done with no explanation to me, and done because they were under pressure from people who read the inaccurate Korris report, which omitted my views and covers the back of the real wrongdoer, safeguarding officer Jane Fisher.

How can a report have been comissioned and influenced by one of the people I had a complaint against? How can that person's wrongdoing be omitted to the extent of cover up, and that person be protected rather than  being suspended and being made to apologize?
Why has Jane Fisher been able to be so dishonest and protect her own back? She who still works with vulnerable people after destroying me?

Below is the statement I wrote for the diocese in anger and distress after their invasion of my life  this year, I have edited this slightly and it was written months ago and so is about how things were then:

It was in March 2013 that things went wrong. I didn’t consciously know that anything had happened at first, but subconsciously maybe I did, but at the time I attributed the increasingly strong nightmares about Jane Fisher, Bob Key, Jersey and the police to the fact I was trying to learn to live indoors. My sleep went down to a few hours a night and I was in such emotional distress during the days that it was difficult to function normally.

Even though for some odd reason, I was getting emails from people in Jersey and people from the past I didn’t think, even when an email said ‘have you heard the news’, these people were from my distressing past and as far as I was concerned they had no news for me. So I left their emails unopened as I was under enough stress from trying to teach myself to be a house dweller again, and I felt deeply vulnerable as a registered house dweller even under my new identity I was in fear of Jane Fisher and the police - this fear very logically being caused by Jane Fisher and the Bishop repeatedly coming after me with the police when I responded to their negative interventions in my life.

Within a few weeks I had realised that I could not live indoors. I could only afford cheap lodgings which I paid for from my welfare benefits as I knew that the struggle to explain myself to Housing Benefit would be too much and I was always in danger of abandoning the tenancy or being traced by the diocese anyway, especially as I could not get the right support to help me to learn to be a house dweller. I also could not really afford to pay my own rent, low as it was.
My main barrier to housedwelling is the flashbacks, distress, terrors, bad memories and despair because of Jane Fisher and Bishop Scott-Joynt and the Dean of Jersey and their police interventions against me in response to my protests at their refusal to deal with my complaint and their bad handling (to put it mildly) of my complaint.

The cheap lodgings was in a lodging house and I was the only female there, still suffering PTSD and quite frightened by some of the behaviour of the men in the house and feeling a bit intimidated. So I was longing to return to the streets, especially as the memories and distresses of Jersey were coming back to me too strongly, and at the time I thought it was simply from being indoors, and maybe it was. 

Before I left the house I managed to get very ill, the hygiene in the house was bad and a drug addict who had been very ill for months had just moved out and the guy who took the vacant room became just as sick and was taken to hospital, and then I got sick too.
I moved out while I was ill and back homeless I went through one of the worst bouts of illness that I ever remember. Whooping cough and pneumonia.

I was afraid to see a doctor because I have been treated really badly in the years since Jersey because Jane Fisher and the former Bishop really wanted me to be insane and locked up and I was also not willing to see a doctor in case I was traced. Even though all attempts to certify me insane failed because sadly I am not. PTSD and autism are not madness and cannot be treated as such.

In the end I went to a hospital and they said I was ok, recovering, I had been so very ill and it was a relief to know they thought I was ok. They would have admitted me if I had gone when I was really ill, and I could not allow that, I could not be captive somewhere and have the police turn up, I remain living in fear in that way.

I still didn’t know what had happened with the diocese but I had returned to sleeping rough and it felt amazing! Yeah! Lying there looking at the stars as I fell asleep I was at peace. 
The time between evening and morning is when I am happiest, the diocese of Winchester destroyed me but they gave me the gift of a sky full of stars and so few people get to enjoy such a gift any more, so I really appreciate it.
I love the evenings when I walk quietly alone with my headphones in and my music on, I love to lie down in my blankets and gaze at the sky and I love to get up in the quiet early morning and walk the quiet roads and stop and gaze, this is heaven to me and I am now in fear that that diocese intend to rip this from me.

Anyway, then I got an email from the policeman who had traced me and I was deeply shocked. I only read the first lines and couldn’t believe what I was hearing.
Firstly my new identity was shattered and I was once again open and vulnerable to police and diocese cruelty and attacks and slander.

All I read of the police email was that they had traced me and this policeman called me ‘Ms’ and my new name in capitals as if he was jeering. And then that ‘the diocese wished to support me through local church groups’ and something about the historic abuse case in Jersey. What historic abuse case? I was furious, why, after the way Jane Fisher and Bishop Scott-Joynt repeatedly drove me from help by slandering me and ommitting either that I was disabled or that I had been abused, were they talking about local church groups???

Firstly there are no local church groups that help abuse victims, none, churches shun abuse victims and safeguard against them, secondly I am not in that area or diocese, thirdly I have no intention of belonging anywhere where Jane Fisher and the diocese of Winchester can humiliate me or involve themselves with their side of things as Jane Fisher and Bishop Scott-Joynt did before. Basically after what has happened, this being traced and violated and humiliated for the sake of fictional help was ludicrous! If the diocese had anything to say to me which was in MY interests and not just them covering their backs, they would have emailed me themselves as they have my email addresses and were more than capable of doing this without deliberately degrading me with further police action that I had not merited.

I was in shock when I got this email and it was Maundy Thursday and there was nowhere to go for help.
I walked up to one of the churches and there was a church man there, he recognized me and happily started telling me about bedding plants for the church garden and then realized I was crying and shaking. He phoned his wife and got the number of a church person who I talk to and she came to the church and held my hand. I did not understand why the diocese had set the police on me and shattered my privacy and left me open to the horrific continuation of the cycle of being violated by Jane Fisher and Scott-Joynt and then being attacked by the police for answering and asking for justice and restoration, all I knew was that the police had come after me for the diocese.
So the church lady held my hand and comforted me and she said no-one in her church had betrayed me to the diocese and the police as far as she knew, because I have the horror that someone has indeed betrayed me and left me damaged by this, because the police got my details somewhere and somewhere I will be shamed and embarrassed when I go to see old friends. And also I was repeatedly betrayed by churches because of behind-my-back-intervention by the Diocese of Winchester before I escaped from them two years ago.

Anyway, then the minister arrived and was told I had had a shock and he came and sat with me and talked gently. Then I helped him to prepare for the Holy Communion Service, and that took my mind off things.
I still had no knowledge of the full situation, and in truth I still don’t.

Easter was hell because of being traced by the police, there was nowhere to go and no-one to turn to, which is the usual in the Christmas and Easter holidays but worse because of the police. The Easter Sunday service was lovely but because of the fact I was no longer hidden and safe from Jane Fisher and the police after two years, I felt unsafe in church and I remembered Vicar Tim at Romsey Abbey coming and shouting at me and saying he had been speaking to Jane Fisher about me, and all the cold accusatory one-sided things he repeated from Jane Fisher before I ran off crying in the night and went to a police station but was too scared of being beaten and locked up to tell them to make Jane Fisher go away. I did not want the old priest at this church to do the same accusatory shouting and telling me how bad I was.
Because, after a very very long time of deep fear and wariness, I have learned to love again, and I love my church/es, because they have showed me that church and Christianity is not the way the Diocese of Winchester and the Deanery of Jersey portray it in abuse and arroagance and boastfulness and wealth and  treading on the poor and disabled and isolated and I have just started to believe my churches, and to see with Joy that Christianity is real.

When the holidays thankfully finished, I was in the library and still being badgered by emails about Jersey and the Diocese so when I was signing into my emails I looked at the news stories and found the story.
Something about Jersey and the Archbishop and Bishop apologizing and the Dean being suspended.
Again I stumbled outside crying.
I am as raw as if I have no skin and I cannot cope with much stress at all.

I went back up to the church and thankfully my friend from last time was actually there, she came to sit with me and held my hand again as I blurted out something about the news saying the Bishop apologized, my friend said I should be turning cartwheels and wasn’t I happy?
No, I was traumatized by all of it, all of it in the papers and all of the past being dragged up and the police, I didn’t know anything about this report that I was being badgered about by email. I felt vulnerable and frightened because I was traced by the police, I felt shocked and depressed, because despite the flashbacks and the unhealed wounds, I had tried to leave this in the past as Jane Fisher was always coldly telling me to leave what had happened to me in the past because my pain was of no relevance and I was not valid.
Jane Fisher never actually explained what she was trying to force me to leave in the past, but Jane Fisher rarely saw fit to explain anything, her aim was only to force me and the situation to be what she wanted. So me, and my pain, were invalidated by her aims and needs.

So no, no cartwheels, just shock, there is nothing that will make me hopeful or joyful any more, the pain has been too deep for too long, I like my walks in the dark and in the early morning and I like lying on the ground and watching the stars as I fall asleep but I do not feel joy at the church of england suddenly, too late, forcing upon me something that is to do with their politics rather than my welfare and doing it very publicly and having me intimidated and distressed by the police for their own ends at the same time.

So, I was in crisis and still trying to shake off the illness that tends to come back just when I think it has gone.  I had to ask those offering me pastoral care to stop as it was upsetting me too much, these were church people, and until I had an assurance from the diocese of Winchester that they are going to leave me alone, I did not feel safe or able to let anyone help me (in reality I am still living in fear), and while I am in fear of a police attack I feel almost unable to even see the psychologist, after all, if you are going to be beaten and locked in then there is no point in paying for psychology because it cannot undo that.

I continued to try and maintain the rest of my routine while no longer attending church or having help. It is hard to keep a routine when you are depressed and homeless but thankfully what I was taught by MIND about keeping myself going during crisis is helping a lot.
(MIND is a source of help I refer myself to when I need them, they have helped me since I referred myself when I was a young adult before my Asperger Syndrome or autism was officially recognized). 

Anyway, I continued to hear about Jersey, bit by bit, and continued to fight the distress and memories brought back to me.
I was told by email that the Dean will simply be reinstated because all the Bishop has done is cause a constitutional crisis in Jersey, and I myself was surprised that the Bishop even suspended the Dean, because I was told by the Dean himself and some of his clergy in Jersey while I was there that the Bishop could do nothing to him and nothing to them so they could effectively do as they pleased and I would not be listened to.

What horrified me was the complete lack of response from the Archbishop or Wolvsley when I frantically tried to contact them, which cemented the fact that this whole farce was in fact nothing to do with me but to do with something political that I did not know about, this didn’t surprise me as the church of England are unmotivated and unmoved by abuse victims and their ‘safeguarding’ policy simply ensures that disabled people and vulnerable people are excluded, isolated, shunned and unable to make friends, because no-one is allowed to be alone with them or take them home or take them out, the church of England treats us as profane, as lesser beings, by keeping this policy behind the backs of vulnerable people. 

And so why would they be apologizing to me, especially as they launched a police attack at the same time! But Wolvsley have nothing to say, neither does the Archbishop.
I have made a complaint about being traced but that complaint is about the policeman, the diocese of Winchester remain untouchable and a constant threat to me and I despair because it seems that I would have to seek asylum abroad to escape them, and I am tired, I do not want to go unless I have to, but the dread silence and the danger of police attacks and the confusion remains.

Jersey is obviously the same, the internet is full of articles and blogs, and in true Jersey style some of the information is very vicious, some in support of the Dean and some not, some blatantly attacking him and some blatantly attacking me.
The thing is, the Diocese of Winchester may be under some illusion that my identity and the identities of other parties is concealed, but believe me, those few Jerseypeople who did not already know about this, do now and most people do know all the names of those involved, especially since a very blatant breach of confidences occurred.

There are some very good Jersey blogs, which are providing real information on what has been happening, countering that awful Korris report and the very very nasty slander against me by clergy and supporters in the Jersey Deanery, these blogs include Bob Hill’s Jersey Blog, Rico Sorda’s blog, Voiceforchildren’s blog, Tony’s musings, Stuart Syvret’s blog and more.

But there are snippets of this awful ‘independent safeguarding report‘ the Korris Report, the one that was done without my input and lets the whole world know how successfully the Dean and the Bishop and Jane Fisher punished me for speaking up and had me thrown in prison and ‘deported’ and left homeless in the UK with Jane Fisher still hanging onto my jugular until she pulled me down to the point of no hope, no healing, nothing left etc. Or does it omit that? I had a breakdown from trying to read the Korris Report, it is so awful and so inaccurate and cover’s Jane Fisher’s wrongdoing so well that it caused me to collapse. I have never finished reading it and it is so very damaging and wrong that I do not know why it was allowed to be published. I have expressed this opinion to Jan Korris but she is not bothered, as long as she gets her comission she isn’t too worried that she has had internationally published a gravely damaging report about an already suffering abuse survivor. Hopefully the collective complaints about it means she wont do it again, but I doubt that she cares.


Anyway, everyone has an opinion and in Jersey they fight about it like little boys, because Jersey is a small place and has that mentality, everyone knows someone and everyone has a bias, it makes it a bad place to live if you report someone for abuse and they have connections. The thing with the diocese is that they are not there and do not know who is who, who has what bias and why, but Jersey is another country and another country that used to be occupied by the Germans and has never lost that mentality. And at the moment they are not too pleased with England invading against one of their politicians, which is what the Dean is first and foremost, he certainly isn’t a Christian.

But anyway, I gather that Wolvsley tried to do a Jane Fisher and tell me that this isn’t affecting me! Are you crazy? You rake up the past and humiliate me publicly, even if only in Jersey and in your online report and you set the police after me and you think I am not affected?! I am not strong enough for much stress and believe me some of the opinions of people known and unknown in Jersey right now do affect me! They make me want to curl up and die.

This is my situation right now. The diocese refuse to confirm to me that as far as I am concerned the matter is closed. So I am in limbo, I am living in fear with my life paused, I am afraid of police attacks, I am distressed by what has happened and how I am publicly flogged, I am terrified that my quiet walks with my music and my sleeps in my cheerful blanket will be taken off me and I will be locked in for incomprehensible reasons and my freedom and life will be gone and ‘help’ will be forced on me.

Life is in limbo, there is a so-called investigation, but the Bishop reinstated the Dean and said he had acted in good faith, now the Bishop hides behind a PR company and refuses to communicate, while half the so-called investigation he has instigated is a conflict of interests, but he refuses to withdraw it or comment.