anything and everything

I always wanted to be able to share my story, all that time on the run from the diocese and while I was writing 'homeless' I always wanted to really tell my story, but even now, trauma makes it hard to tell.

I have just found out the meaning of life.
Amazon vouchers.
I like amazon vouchers. They are the solution.

From 'Homeless' written on 13.01/2012 Thanks SNAP please note, the original parts that I put in bold no longer show up in bold but it is all very relevant to me

SNAP (Survivors Network of People Abused by Priests) have been in touch with me today, they reminded me of a part of their website that I am going to quote and link to. The page is called 'Survivor's wisdom, and I hope that SNAP don't mind that I have put in bold some of the sentences that really resound with my case. Also keep in mind that this treatment by the church is not limited to the Catholic church at all.
http://www.snapnetwork.org/survivors_wisdom

Here are paragraphs that resounded with me:
SNAP:

1. Don't go to the Church. Many survivors have gone to church officials to look for help, guidance and/or healing. Many of us went to the church leaders after building up loads of courage and strength to face them because we wanted to make sure that our perpetrators didn’t abuse anyone else. We mistakenly thought that the church leaders would want to ensure others’ safety too and that the perpetrators would be removed from ministry. So many of us did this without ever telling anyone else. Then we found out we were wrong. The church leaders did not care about protecting others, and they did not care about us. Most of us found the experience of going to church leaders just awful. The church leaders were insensitive and acted like they did not know how to respond to us. We were looking for healing and consolation but found further victimization. Most of us left feeling devastated, and the entire experience of talking to church leaders left us hurting more than ever. Here are some of the responses received by church leaders across the country:
2. Sometimes they acted kind and then ignored the promises they made to “investigate” our allegations.
3. Usually they said that we were the first person to ever come forward to allege that Father So-and-so is a sexual molester. Many of us found out later that we weren’t the first to come forward and that church leaders had known about our perpetrators for years.
4. Others had the Chancellor, Provincial or even Bishop tell us that they are sure that Father So-and-so would never do such a thing. We must have misunderstood or misinterpreted Father’s affection.
5. Sometimes it was suggested by church leaders that we were bad for even saying such a thing. A few of us were offered the opportunity to go to confession.
6. More recently, the Church leaders offer to pay for counseling for us. But sometimes this comes with strings attached. Some survivors were told they had to attend counseling at Catholic Charities. We strongly recommend that you think twice before agreeing to this arrangement; in at least one case a court of law determined that the Catholic Charities counselor had to turn over records about the counseling to the church attorneys. There was no confidentiality.
7. Sometimes survivors have learned later that their first encounter with a church leader was recorded without their knowledge or permission.
8. Frequently, church leaders wanted us to tell all the “details” and in some cases became angry at us for telling those details. The experience left survivors feeling both invaded and blamed for the abuse while they were only telling what happened and what they had been asked to tell.
9. Here are some reasons why you could be hurt by going to church leaders:
   • When first beginning to deal with the abuse, we might not have all the facts straight regarding places, dates, times, etc. Frequently our memories become refreshed with lots of details only as we engage in the healing process, taking days, months, even years to uncover fully. If we’ve disclosed some details one day and recall more later, we will be discredited for being inconsistent about the details.
   • Growing up Catholic has taught us to trust our priests and bishops implicitly so we approach the church leaders with full trust and disclosure. We look up to them, and they are in positions of authority and power over us. They, on the other hand, do not trust survivors. They may even view you as “the enemy.” While we think they are trying to help us, they are in fact building a case against us without our knowledge. Things said during initial meetings with church leaders can easily be twisted to be used against you and have been used against a number of survivors.
   • Other survivors have gone to the Church leaders and have been hurt by doing so. Some of us were strung along for months while the church leaders waited for our statute of limitations to run on any legal action we had while we didn’t even know we had a right to any legal claim.
   • Most survivors do not want to receive money from the church as compensation for what was done to us. Most of us merely want to ensure that our perpetrators are removed from being able to abuse others in their position as trusted priests. We’d like some apology for what we’ve endured. Sometimes we want an apology or acknowledgment given to our parents. Sometimes we want the church to pay for our counseling or other expenses we may have. None of us wants to sue the church for millions of dollars. But one thing we have learned over the years is that when we do file law suits the church becomes accountable. Unfortunately, without any legal obligation to promises made by the church to you, there is little chance that you will actually get what you bargain for. The church is not bound to do anything for you unless there is a legal contract or court order mandating that it happen. I’d like to tell you that you can trust what the church leaders tell you, but so many survivors have received nothing but empty promises after being assured that certain things would occur (or not occur). So I feel obligated to warn you that it is probably best not to trust any one in a church position. I must go further to say that this remains true, even when you personally know the church leader. Many survivors have found themselves being employed by the church as Catholic school employees, DRE’s, parish workers, campus ministers, youth minister’s, etc. These church employees have not been treated any better than everyone else. In fact, the mistreatment by the church leaders has hurt some of these folks even more because they were friends of the church leaders. The betrayal is extremely painful. For many survivors, this is much worse than the pain from our actual abuse. We can understand that there is a “bad apple” in the bunch of priests of each Diocese but what we fail to understand is why the Church leaders leave these individuals in ministry when they know they have abused others. We also fail to understand why the church leaders are so inconsiderate to survivors.

SNAP:

1. Don't go alone! If you still decide to go to church leaders, don’t go alone. Taking someone with you provides a witness to the event and gives you someone to “debrief” with when its over. Write down what is said. Don’t believe what you hear just because they said it. Check it out with other sources before relying on what they tell you. Have a prepared time limit on how long you will meet with them and stick to it. Prepare ahead of time what you will and won’t tell and stick to your prepared plan. Protect yourself. Take time after any meeting with church leaders to “debrief” and go over what occurred. Keep track of all info you give them and exact details of what you tell. They are keeping track, so you should too.
2. Seek alternative Help! As an alternative to going to church leaders, we recommend that you go to a trusted family member or friend, or seek professional help from a counselor. Many others have gone through a process of healing from sexual abuse. We do not have to reinvent the wheel. We may as well learn from others, and for many SNAP members a professional counselor is very helpful.
3. Learn your legal rights. The church leaders have lots more information about our abuse than we do. They know our legal rights, but most of us don’t know. We can choose to exercise our legal rights or not, but it is empowering to make the choice. Without knowing, we don’t make the choice.
   Many SNAP members ignored learning about our legal rights because we assumed we didn’t need to learn them because the church leaders would do the right thing. By the time we figured out that the church leaders were not going to do the right thing it was too late for many of us to exercise our legal rights. We have noticed that frequently the church leaders string victims along until the statute of limitations has run, or in layman’s terms, the opportunity we had to file a claim was over. By the time many of us realized, it was too late to do anything. That experience was so painful to many survivors because it was another moment of helplessness and powerlessness at the hands of our perpetrator or his supervisors.

My own words: The church, by their actions against me, have prevented me from being able to take any action against them, they don't and never have cared about me but have kept up a pretence of concern whilst hugely and irreparably damaging me, and with my disability and in my state of mind I have been powerless and a drowned out voice.

SNAP:

1. Healthy Survivors: Many survivors have developed addictions or health problems. The pain and betrayal we felt while being abused was intense. We had no knowledge of how to cope with the experience of being abused as well as the feelings that came as a result of the abuse. All of us found a way to survive or we would not be here today. The problem is that many of the coping mechanisms we used to survive the abuse are not healthy. Here are some of the types of problems we have: Alcoholism; drug addiction; over-eating, under-eating or other eating disorders; co-dependency, finger-nail biting; promiscuity; detachment from intimacy; sleep disorders; religious fanaticism; stomach or intestinal problems; or an overall attitude of anger.
   If any of the above are a problem for you, SNAP recommends that you seek help. Now we are not being abused, so we don’t need to rely on the unhealthy coping mechanisms we used in the past. Help for these types of problems will liberate and allow us to face the real issues of our abuse. In SNAP meetings, we do not address addiction issues and recommend that survivors seek help for these from other sources.

I am full of anger and distress and I have eating problems, but at last I am free from the cruelty of the diocese and free to seek help.


SNAP:
We are the victims (survivors)! The abuse was not our fault, no matter what we did or didn’t do to stop it or prevent it. No matter whether it felt good or bad. No matter whether he bought us gifts, took us out to eat, or to fun places. No matter if we enjoyed his company. No matter if someone else had warned us to stay away from him. No matter what, the responsibility for a priest molesting us rests squarely on the priest. He was in a position of authority. We looked up to the priest. We trusted the priest, and we believed what he told us. We thought he was close to God and we might get close to God if we stuck close to him. He should not have touched us. He abused his position of authority. He used his position of being a priest to victimize us. He had no right to do this. He is a criminal, and what he did was a criminal act. We are victims of his crime. He and his bosses who trained him and supervised him were wrong. His bosses, the Bishops, Pastors, and teachers at his Seminary made a mistake in putting him into his position of priest. They did not do their job properly. If they had, he would not have become a priest and been in that position to hurt us. The church leaders and the priests are guilty. We are victims. We are innocent. We have been wronged. We deserve to have the wrong made right. That will mean different things to each of us, but we all deserve to be made whole, as much as that is possible.

From 'Homeless' written on 25/01/2012 I was mistaken about being free from them, and in a way I knew it, because I know Jane Fisher

Psychology: The Bishop and diocese were involved in my life still, albeit against my wishes, so my emails to them were about the pain they were causing me, and about my life and anguish, after all they had taken my friends and I had to tell someone. 
(note, this is about Jane Fisher and the Bishop hounding me in Winchester in 2010/11 and having me brutalized and locked up for my response, I couldn't really have responded any other way in the terrible circumstances).

I can’t bear to go to evensong, what they are singing about in there is totally at odds with what the church is. And yet so many of those elderly people have no idea at all that that is the case and the shock could kill them.

There are lots of groups and sites and people on facebook and Youtube offering support and solidarity to anyone who has suffered abuse in the church.

I am relieved to realise that in a lot of ways I am now free from the diocese, though the damage remains forever.

Missing Hampshire and my old community that I was alienated from by the Diocese of Winchester, I wrote this on 12/01/2012:
How I long for my home and the people I used to be close to.

Any requests?

I am taking requests to get me blogging again, what would you like me to talk about?

Here is an article about abuse survivors in Jersey.
http://www.channelonline.tv/channelonline_jerseynews/DisplayArticle.asp?ID=447225

I remember my counsellor in Jersey saying how she had abuse survivors from Haute de la Garenne seeing her and how they were afraid to speak up.

I just fished this off the 'Homeless' blog
http://blog.christianitytoday.com/women/2012/04/voice_of_the_victims_sex_abuse_1.html

lollys

Tony done a good blog about lollypops. http://tonymusings.blogspot.co.uk/2013/12/benefit-of-clergy.html

It reminds me if Bishop Scott-Joynt and Archbishop Carey sucking lollypops at our garden party many years ago.

Thoughts

Here are random thoughts, apparently the Diocese of Winchester wasted nearly half a million pounds damaging lives, especially mine, and yet in the end they apparently tried to palm me off to the NSPCC, which would have cost them nothing?! Cheapskate! They could have given me some of that half a million to live on, seeing as I am ruined and will be unlikely to get out of poverty in the remainder of my crippled life, and the NSPCC is entirely inappropriate, they are, sketchily, there to help children who are being abused, in theory, and have none of the resources to deal with a severely traumatized and displaced adult, but I guess that because the Diocese wouldn't have to pay them, as they are a charity, that is why the Diocese tried to palm me off on them after wasting half a million pounds.

The most frustrating thing is that the Diocese have got away with all this appalling mess, and no-one is holding them to account, Archbishop Wonga has not only allowed but condoned the damage, the Queen and Prime Minister are not interested, and so the Diocese have got away with flaying me and wrecking the rebuild of my life and leaving me profoundly damaged on top of the previous unhealed damage.

NSPCC?! HA!

You rabble gotta behave now, we have a VIP viewing the blog :)

I however, am allowed to poke my tongue out at the Bishop if I so wish :p

We had Bishops on this blog today, so it needs fumigating.
What is Bishop Tim reading my blog for? ominous.
I think he got the wrong post. Bish, try the more recent ones.

Ah, the reason uncle Tim started on that letter post was that was what he was given the link to, a long time ago.
He is slow.
But if he tries to have this blog taken down, the response will be very spectacular and public, cos the Church of England does not own the press in the UK! Bring it on, Tim, this blog is saved by a number of people and you will cause uproar if you have me battered and locked up again for writing my truth after having to hear your untruths in the press!

That Christmas -Jersey

The previous two Christmases had been sad, but that Christmas in Jersey ruined the magic of Christmas for me, right up to this Christmas, when unexpectedly and so soon after the nine months of hell from the Diocese, I have just had one of the best Christmases of my life.

Christmas in Jersey.
It could have been so different, it is very sad. I could have been on the mainland and had a good Christmas.
This is so hard to write.

The Korris report mentions the sexual abuse but never the emotional abuse.

A memory that frequently comes back to me is walking through St. Helier with the Church Warden, who called himself my 'Daddy', we were Christmas shopping.
Daddy was holding my hand as we walked, he often held my hand, and this was entirely his idea, he would hold out his hand for my hand, and he would walk with me, he called himself my 'Daddy' and called me his 'little daughter', regressing me to childhood.
Anyway, as we walked, he held my hand, but he kept snatching his hand away when he thought people 'were looking', which is what he did throughout our time together.
It hurt, it wounded me, because I fell for the innocent Daddy/Daughter thing, and a daddy does not hold his daughter's hand and then snatch his hand away and go on about 'people looking', even if no-one is looking, it was psychologically harmful.
I know that may not make sense to many people, you have to live through it to really understand it, and few people have been 'adopted' and then regressed to childhood and suffered such confusing wounding.

Anyway, it is eternally sad to remember how that Christmas could have been different.

JM, my friend, the Vicar who betrayed me in supporting both her abusive husband and the churchwarden in Jersey against me, and making me out to be a lying nymphomaniac, was still my friend at the time, despite having denied her husband's abuse of me, and blaming me, which left a permenant rift between us, but we were still good friends, and Juliet invited me over to spend Christmas with them that year, while all my friends were asking if I would come over (those friends who have been taken from me as a result of the Diocese), but the churchwarden, 'Daddy', wanted me to stay on the Island with him and his wife for Christmas.
I was concerned that 'Mummy', as he made me call her, was agreeing with him but did not seem enthusiastic, I kept asking if it was really alright? And in the end, I agreed to spend Christmas with 'Mummy and Daddy' in Jersey.

So, in order to even things out, I went to Hampshire for a pre-Christmas visit, to see everyone and give them Christmas gifts and cards.
Looking back on that makes me sad, because the Diocese have wiped out all those friendships by giving their side of things to everyone and parading me as mad and bad.

Anyway, I had a lovely pre-Christmas visit, and was just sad to miss the Christmas eve party at my friends' and the Christmas I could have had with JM, having had a lovely Christmas with her and her family some years earlier.

So I returned to Jersey for Christmas.

And it was one of the most soul-destroying Christmases.

I will never forget that Christmas eve, I was lied to.

The Churchwarden's wife told me that they were going to 'run a few errands', it was Christmas eve evening, they went out to a party that I was not invited to, and were out until very late night, running errands and going to a party and lying about it is not the same thing, and I was devastated. Already it was a very sad and upsetting Christmas. Because I knew I had been lied to, I knew where they were, I went to check. And I went down to the beach and cried.
Because the churchwarden always said I was their adoptive daughter, and yet, I was not part of their family publicly, they avoided telling anyone about that, including the people who's party they went to with their son.

By the time they got back, very late, I had spent Christmas eve alone and had been lied to, and it was very sad, and I told them I knew, and didn't get a very coherent response. As was always the case, the churchwarden's wife was always happy to slate me, but never to take responsibility. She really was put in a bad situation by her husband, as she did not want me, and she was made to be my 'mummy' by him, I never liked her either, and I should have know how to see it was not a health situation, especially after she called me a burden. But the churchwarden seemed to like the tension and he deliberately stirred it up and caused conflict between her and me.

Anyway. So, it was a miserable Christmas eve spent on my own, and then midnight mass at that awful church with the churchwarden.
But the Christmas Day took the magic out of Christmas, because even up to then I saw Christmas as a magical time, and then I saw Christmas through the eyes of people who only saw it as a nuisance because they already had everything, and I was rejected in front of everyone by the churchwarden's wife that day.

So Christmas Day was another dreary morning at that church, this time with the churchwarden's wife and son, who hadn't come to midnight mass with us.
Afterwards we went to the Churchwarden's brother's house, there was no present opening either before or after church or at the churchwarden's brother's house, it appeared that that had been forgotten in their version of Christmas, it was so sad.

But when we got to the Churchwarden's brother's house, I got the impression that Christmas was a nuisance to such people, who's wealth meant it was Christmas every day, and there was no joy, no happiness, it was kind of funeral like in a way.

It was decorated for Christmas, as far as I remember, decorations on those sweeping staircases up to the landing. Very grand.
But it wasn't Christmas there.
The Churchwarden's brother had a teenage son from his second marriage, who was a Victoria college student, of course, because all the males in the family were. The Son was obviously not keen on it being Christmas, or joining the family for the polite and awkward social chat, he wanted to play his computer games, it was just another day.

The churchwarden's brother, who's name was John, had a daughter from his first marriage, who was over from London, and she was a lawyer. I remember the churchwarden's son introducing her to me as his cousin, it reminded me sharply of how I was not really part of the family.
The churchwarden had said to me over and over again in the run up to Christmas, and that day, that I would be there as part of the family, but I obviously wasn't.

The Churchwarden stayed close to me all the time, he didn't seem to be enjoying himself, he was very quiet indeed, which was unusual for him, and even at the time, I was puzzled and did not know what was wrong with him, it remains a puzzle, he was not his loud and laughing self, he did not seem to like being there, he sat quietly, holding my hand when no-one was looking and keeping me with him, and it remains that I never knew him to visit his brother and family or phone them or speak of them in all the time I knew him, his wife did visit them, but he did not, and they never phoned. It is a sharp and spooky memory of his silence that Christmas Day that remains with me.
There was no real Christmas in that Christmas, we did have a big Christmas meal, and the Churchwarden continued to stay close to me.

After that we kind of sat somewhere, it seemed crowded and it was not a normal lounge, it seemed crowded when there was so much space in the other rooms.

It was awful, the Churchwarden's wife made it quite clear in front of everyone that I was not family but someone they took pity on, after the Churchwarden had said I was part of the family and would be on Christmas Day.
Someone came to join the 'Party', us sitting there like lemons, and the churchwarden's wife told the newcomer that I was someone from church that they had taken pity on.
(ie I was not the adoptive daughter that her husband said I was, and her tone said I was an unwelcome 'burden' as she had referred to me before).

I had had enough of being cramped and squashed and 'taken pity on', so I escaped this cramped pointless huddle in this room where were just kind of sitting, and I went outside, it was getting dark now, and my car, which I had driven up in as requested, was blocked in.
So I decided to go for a walk.

I walked in the dark, and I cried, because being family/not family was so very very painful, the churchwarden always told me I was family and that he was 'Daddy' and his wife was 'Mummy', his wife did not like being Mummy and was always carefully trying to cut me out and get rid of me, but Daddy was dominant and he said I was his daughter, and he regressed me to childhood and sat me on his knees, but the outside world and their own family did not know I was 'daughter' and they omitted it from their 'Christmas Newsletter', although, without my permission, they did put me and a photo of me with him in the newsletter, as a new friend or something, I always think that people who do Christmas Newsletters are very arrogant anyway.

Anyway, I kept walking, and crying, because it had been a dreadful day, not Christmas at all, no presents, no happiness and joy, no goodies, nothing apart from the meal, not even a decent church service - I was already looking for a new church anyway.
It was a Christmas with a family who simply endured Christmas rather than enjoying it, they had everything, and I was a burden. I walked up to the North Coast, looked at the stars and cried because I could have enjoyed Christmas on the mainland with my old friends.

I fell as I walked, my weak leg gave way and I went over, which made it all worse.

I went back, my car was no longer blocked in, and I drove back down the hill and to the churchwarden's house, where I was staying at the time, he had told me not to lock myself in my room but I did, and I went to bed.
My phone rang and I was sleepy so I didn't answer it, I slept, and I woke the next morning.

The next morning the churchwarden was knocking on my door and demanding that I came out so he could hug me, yes, that is what he was like, I told him it would be rude for him to hug me because I was still in my pyjamas.
But he persuaded me out and hugged me and hugged me and kissed me and told me he had come after me and tried to find me and had phoned me to ask me to come back for tea.

I didn't belong with his family, an object of pity, and I could never have gone back and endured more, it had been an awful day.

Anyway, it never got any better, that Christmas took some of my innocent joy away, I did not know that people saw Christmas as a nuisance and an endurance, even in all my Christmases as a young adult, my friends and I enjoyed Christmas and the run up to it. I guess it was like finding out Santa Clus isn't real, only I don't remember that.

I think it was boxing day that we actually started unwrapping presents, I had plenty of presents from those (now gone) friends in Hampshire, I don't remember much except a bone china mug with a £20 note in it from my friend who always did me a 'teapot' when I went to see her.

But I do remember how sad it all was, 'Daddy' wasn't even in the room while we did presents, he spent most of his life alone in his office, but would call me to him if I walked past, and would sit me on his knees.
Anyway, Daddy was not there, and I was happily opening my presents and making a fuss, because that is what you do at Christmas, even if it is a day late, but then it was bad again, because this is when 'Mummy' decided to present her son with some family heirloom because he decided to marry the woman he was sleeping with at long last.
I felt that I was kind of in the way of a private moment, so I stopped making a fuss over my presents and went into the kitchen for a cup of tea, because I don't know the rules but that was a private moment and I didn't belong.
But then Daddy came in and asked my why I had left my presents? And I told him I was intruding, so he sat with me in the kitchen.

Oh, what an awful Christmas.

The Churchwarden, to his credit, did try to make it a happy Christmas for me,while I was away in Hampshire, he even put decorations and presents in my room, labelled 'Daughter', but his wife was quite clear long before Christmas, that I was a burden, which broke my heart, and she made Christmas awfully sad for me. And that Christmas haunted me for many years, even until this year, when I had such a healing and lovely Christmas.

In the days after Christmas, 'Daddy' and I sat doing a puzzle in the 'dining room', he was very loving and affectionate and close, sitting me on his knees, stroking and kissing and being very close, like a lover, even though his wife was often only in the kitchen.
And actually one of the reasons I thought it was ok was that she was nearby through that.
I believe he was trying to make up for Christmas, but he was too close to the boundaries.

After Christmas I crashed into severe depression, which the Doctor diagnosed as a virus, and despite saying it was a virus, he put me on antibiotics.
I didn't really recover in my time in Jersey, and it looked like a return of the M.E. I had had a few years previously that I had overcome.

I remember 'Mummy' coming home and seeing me sitting there and saying 'don't beat yourself up', which, even when I translated that into neurotypical, I never understood.
She refused to let anyone discuss Christmas ever again, but was quite happy to discuss my faults.

She did, for some reason, take me back to the brother's house just after Christmas, and left me alone with the brother and his wife, I can only guess, but I think I was supposed to apologize for walking out.

The reality of how Money can't buy happiness is all there in this account of that Christmas, joy and innocence cannot easily be bought but can be taken away very easily.

random - attachment disorder

Good morning,

I am waiting to return to my therapy and just musing quietly, because I cannot afford any books on attachment disorder.
How to help attachment disorder in my case:

• Lots of solitude, sitting here by myself, just doing my own thing, I am not lonely, my friends are within reach but I am better being alone for long periods of time, this is not a cure, but it helps keep the disorder quiet and under control. If I was being crowded and over-looked-after and intensely helped by people who misguidedly want to 'love me better' or 'heal' me, I would start going bonkers with distress because I have no ability to respond appropriately to close involvement, this is why 'care' doesn't work for me, because I actually look after myself in basic needs, as best I can in poverty, but if anyone tries to look after me, I just get mad with distress, because the normal responses in me are messed up. This and autism spectrum, leads to me getting very angry and saying things I shouldn't and running away.
• Independence, with friends around but not closely involved. We have a good balance here, I have friends nearby and further away, who are on the phone and email, and I see them at church or when I can, but they do not do the intense but misguided 'healing' thing that a number of over-zealous 'Good Christians' have tried to do, and harmed me and them. Intense involvement would not help me or anyone being intensely involved, because I am avoidant and react badly, the only thing that can change this is therapy.
• Therapy, I will have attachment therapy, it has taken until this year to realise that attachment disorder was the main problem, but it is at the core of my problems, and I need to realign my ability to bond and to break unhealthy bonds. I still also need EMDR, but I believe that the attachment therapy is a priority, because I can't see EMDR working unless a proper foundation or healthy interaction with people is there first. That is my theory.

Duh!

Duh, I have been to wound up to think about the Steel report and all that.
Whoever brought legal representation against the Diocese over the Steel Report must have known what was in the Steel Report.
Duh, I guess all the bloggers and everyone must have known all that, but I am a bit dumb.

New year's Revolutions

I am sitting here thinking about New Years Revolutions to to do:

I came up with this:

Revolution 1: Convert the Diocese of Winchester to Christianity.
Revolution 2:
Revolution 3:

Well, seeing as Revolution 1 is such a massive impossible task, I think I had better focus on that, and forget about things like giving up swearing and chocolate. :)

I only do revolutions, because resolutions are boring.

Bob in the moon

I will post this just because I am still worried about Uncle Bob being in the moon and ILM with his hands somewhere they shouldn't be. http://photopol.com/jersey/olixmas.html
Haha, Bob just online when I wrote this.

I will do a post later about that Christmas in Jersey. :(

Christmas Message to Bishop Tim Dakin and the Diocese of Winchester

Dear Bishop Dakin and Diocese of Winchester,

You have made this year very very traumatic and difficult for me, your actions and the stress as a result of your actions have led to me being alienated, isolated, prevented from seeking help, unable to continue with college and charity work, and generally you have upset the rebuild of my life and left me in poor health and very traumatized and psychologically damaged.

It appears that you have had no thought for, or understanding of, my welfare, and have used me as a pawn in a fight with the Deanery of Jersey.

The end result for me is that I am not very well, and due to having been on incapacity benefits for three years now, I am likely to be sent back to work by the benefits agency despite not being fit due to the damage that your actions over the past year has caused to my health, this leaves me facing a bleak future as well as the possibility that I will not be able to afford my therapy, which is not available on the NHS.

I would ask you, in the spirit of goodwill that is reputed to be around at this time of year, not to further harm me in the New Year, years of harm at the hands of the Diocese of Winchester leads me to believe that you have not and will not cease to intervene in my life and harm me, and I would beg you to desist from harming me and not return to your efforts in the New Year, you have left me crippled for life with a record that you got me due to your own negligence and incompetence, and no further intervention by you is necessary, I will never recover and am unlikely to ever have quality of life again as a result.

Your handling of the abuse I have suffered and the misconduct of your clergy has been appalling and the way you have acted throughout this year, with the production of inaccurate reports that omit my side of things, your violations of my life and the way you have treated me, ending in your utterly ludicrous statement that included branding me 'lost, last or least' is inexcusable and appalling and I am sure, just as everyone saw through that statement, you know you cannot stand before God and say that you have acted with integrity.

I would ask again that you do not renew your onslaught against me in the new year, I am facing a bleak future due to your actions and am very very damaged physically and mentally by your actions.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year,

HG

Christmas Prayers and Greetings

I will start my Christmas prayers and Christmas greetings by repeating my prayers from earlier.

I pray for all those without power because of the weather, anyone suffering flooding or wind or storm damage, anyone trying to get home and being thwarted by the weather, anyone stuck far from home, anyone who is cold and tired and unable to get to their destination.
And, of course, I pray for the homeless who are out in this weather, with everywhere closing for Christmas, I pray that all homeless will recieve some warmth, kindness, compassion and hot food and drinks.
I pray for anyone who's Christmas is being spoiled by the weather.
In Jesus' Name, amen.

I pray for all who are going to find this Christmas difficult, especially those many people who are struggling financially and have found getting food difficult and getting presents for children and loved ones impossible, I pray for all who will feel sad and left out as they struggle while everyone else seems to be having fun. Amen

I pray for anyone who is alone, lonely or feeling left out this Christmas, I pray that they will be comforted and have hope and resolution for better times in future to buoy them up. amen

I pray for all vulnerable people, children and women in situations where they are abused and may be expecting the abuse to worsen during the Christmas Holidays, for their safety and an end to abuse, please Lord Jesus. Amen

I pray for those who are unwell or injured or dying and cannot enjoy the festive season, for comfort for them. Amen

I pray for any Children who are in poverty and cannot expect anything nice or any gifts or treats this Christmas, for their hope and welfare and for unexpected good surprises for them and for their families. Amen

I pray for warmth for those who are cold tonight, and for food for those who are hungry, shelter and outreach for those who are on the street, and safety for those in danger. Amen

I pray for all the young people out celebrating Christmas and New year at Parties, Pubs and Clubs, for their safety and welfare, and that they remember that it is not just about drinks and hangovers, that there is more to Christmas than that. Amen

Jesus, as we celebrate Your Birth, bring comfort to those in need, help to those in trouble, and bring hope and a future to those in despair. Saviour of the World, I ask this in Your Name. Amen.

Thank You Lord Jesus and Father God, for the way You have provided for me, in my years on the streets and in this homecoming, thank You for the courage, compassion and love that has brought me off the streets and home for Christmas, and providing for my every need this Christmas. Amen.

Lord I pray for my friends and family, those I see and those I no longer see, that they have a joyous Christmas and that emnity and tensions and worries are left behind as they celebrate.
Amen

I pray for everyone who has helped me and provided for me, and especially blessing for those who have been hurt by my traumatic reaction of anger and attachment disorder which causes a barrier between me and those who get too close, because I cannot trust and bond properly. I pray that my therapy can proceed in the New Year so that I can learn to respond well to love and care, and I pray healing for anyone who I have inadvertantly hurt.
Amen

I pray for my street brothers and sisters, especially those who have selflessly looked after me, sharing food and keeping me safe at night and keeping me company, bless all the precious and traumatized people who have to live on the streets or in inadequate or temporary accommodation.
Amen

I pray for anyone in Jersey who is struggling with injustice, illness, poor accommodation, money worries, loss of career or any other problem that is marring their Christmas. Amen

I pray a blessing on each and every person reading this blog, for whatever reason, those who know me, those who have found the blog by chance and those who have heard of it from various sources, I pray that you are blessed with a happy Christmas and New Year, no matter who you are. Amen

I pray for myself, that God can forgive my sins and especially my anger and irritation as the last 9 months have seen my life ripped apart by the actions of the Church of England.
I pray that I can find peace as the damage by the Diocese is so severe, and I am facing a bleak future as it is unlikely that I can stay on incapacity benefits after three years and am likely to be told to seek work, but the damage to my health by the Diocese means I am not fit for work, and so I am facing losing benefits and being unable to work, and thus not being able to afford my therapy, which is not available on the NHS. I would ask you to pray for me also. The damage by the Church of England to my life is always going to affect me, and I would ask God for my death, even though I am not mentally ill and will continue to make the best of life while God keeps me alive. Amen

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all my old and new friends, family, anyone reading the blogs, churches, Jersey bloggers and everyone.

Christmas Prayers 1

I will start my Christmas Prayers now because of the Weather.

I pray for all those without power because of the weather, anyone suffering flooding or wind damage, anyone trying to get home and being thwarted by the weather, anyone stuck far from home, anyone who is cold and tired and unable to get to their destination.
And, of course, I pray for the homeless who are out in this weather, with everywhere closing for Christmas, I pray that all homeless will recieve some warmth, kindness, compassion and hot food and drinks.
In Jesus' Name, amen.

copied from homeless, historic posts

05/02/2012
The way the church have treated me, judged me and damned me is nothing to do with God.
I cannot begin to imagine how these people who falsely called me mad and who lie, even to a court, and excuse themselves on the grounds of mental illness that I do not have, can still claim to be to do with God.

05/02/2012
The church are supposed to be there for my spiritual salvation and saving,
instead they have left me lost and sickened when I enter a church.

This was actually written in Jersey and reproduced on 'Homeless' on 01/02/2012

This was written after the abuse by my adoptive father and the end of the relationship and the reporting of the abuse, it is about the sorrow of losing the father I had looked for and about my attempt to keep my faith, and also about my death wish as the pain was so bad. I have changed one line in order to protect identity, It is God I am running to in the last line, I tried so hard to have God as my replacement father:

Beloved Father:

Every night I dream the same,

All the accusation, all the shame,

I am disabled so blame my disability,

For others’ stupidity and irresponsibility,

For others sinful motives I am hurt,

For my reactions to their treatment,

I am wrong because they can’t be,

I am a burden an outcast,

They despise me for my past,

Every night I dream I am running to you,

Outstretched arms, yours are too,

Then you turn away.

I loved you as a daughter loves a father

Why was I accused?

I trusted you,

Why was that trust abused?

But as time goes and memory is gone,

I will go on searching everywhere,

For that shore more beautiful than my home,

He is waiting for me there,

 And I will be a child again,

Running to my Father’s arms with joy.


And this was written on 'Homeless' on 30/01/2012 Keep in mind that it has taken me years to start to recover and I was still very angry and frightened and traumatized when I wrote this:

The church have had their say about me while having me forcibly prevented from giving my evidence because I was locked up and in terror and distress, when do I get to give my evidence while they are treated as I was?

They are the church, I am one hellishly damaged disabled person, when is it going to be equal and the God of justice that they claim to serve allows justice and me to speak and be heard and believed against the great powerful and Godless church that did this to me?

Homeless 30/01/2012:

http://www.fisheaters.com/clergysexabuse.html

All denominations and doctrines contain abuse and cover up, and all denominations and doctrines contain good and genuine people who believe and practice what they preach.

I have good and genuine friends in a number of denominations, including the denomination in which I was abused. Some of my friends were abuse victims too.

Homeless 30/01/2012:

The abuser is usually someone well-off, respected in the church, in leadership of some form or another because it is easy for someone who needs to control and be in control to climb the church leadership ladder, it is made for them.

And the victim? Usually isolated due to poverty, disability or illness or even lack of family in the too often middle class family focussed churches.
The Diocese of Winchester is almost without exception a Diocese of Wealthy churches and I was a misfit.

(23/12/13 I actually named the diocese here in the post, probably by accident, because during the time I was writing 'homeless' I normally changed names as I was on the run and fearful that the Diocese would have me captured again)

So what happens? The potential victim is spotted by the potential abuser, the potential abuser offers attention to the isolated potential victim, and if they respond, as many will because they want to belong, to be accepted, to be less alone, then the abuser gradually takes them over, making them feel accepted and slowly introducing the abuser's own agenda. And either the abuser gets what he wants, or he gets what he wants to a certain extent and then the victim puts a stop to it and returns to isolation or alienation and with the burden of consceince but no reporting of the matter, or they report the abuser who is in a strong position while they are in a weak one, and suffer the consequences of the church's reaction to a 'favourite' being reported by an 'outsider' of the tight circle of church leaders and politics

Where is God in this as it happens thousands of times over?

How can it be that church leadership are sometimes as far from Christianity as it is possible to be, while they 'lead' what is supposed to be a Christian organization?

A number of links about Church based abuse. Judging by the way the Church of England are still treating survivors, they still lack the will to safeguard, and there are many voiceless victims. The Diocese of Winchester remains without safeguarding and priests are allowed to libel and attack already suffering survivors

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/1566826/C-of-E-child-abuse-was-ignored-for-decades.html

http://www.hulldailymail.co.uk/Church-cover-challenged-sake-abuse-victims/story-15121603-detail/story.html

What intrigued me about this third link originally when I posted it on 'Homeless' was some of the comments, I am startled to see that the comments have been removed. I am not homophobic, but no ordained priest should abuse their position, not Peter Ould with his bullying and sex blog, not a gay priest or even a straight priest using their position to lure vulnerable people in for sex, it is wrong if any person does it, it is much much more wrong when a priest, who should know right from wrong, deliberately behaves wrongly, and that includes the Jersey Deanery clergy and readers in their actions as a result of the abuse I suffered and the Dean's suspension.

http://www.standard.co.uk/news/gay-priest-sacked-for-lurid-conduct-6553884.html

And here is an article Peter Ould won't like, because what he himself does is a form of abuse, he abuses me in deriding me, he abuses the Church's Christian ethic, what is left of it, he abuses God, and he abuses his own soul. Most of all, in attacking me, he abuses every survivor of the Church of England's abuse, appalling safeguarding, cover ups and secrecy, and invalidates them and what they have been through, there is no excuse for Peter Ould, and the sooner he and his cronies leave my blog alone, the sooner God can consider forgiving them.

http://tessera2009.blogspot.co.uk/2010/03/sexual-abuse-of-women-in-church.html

Here is another excellent link

http://www.jmm.org.au/articles/5475.htm

And:


http://www.healclergyabuse.com/

And

http://www.educatingtoendabuse.com/id23.html

Article.
I had no idea that other people went through the same as me when I was being abused by the church.

http://ffrf.org/legacy/books/betrayal/

Abuse is universal and inexcusable, it ruins lives.

http://www.brokenrites.org.au/drupal/

and:

http://www.underthegreenwave.com/clergy-abuse-survivors-kicked-out-of-church/

http://www.csmonitor.com/2002/0405/p01s01-ussc.html

http://www.crusadeagainstclergyabuse.com/index.html

http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2002/marchweb-only/3-18-31.0.html

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/19042603

http://archives.weirdload.com/stats.html

update

Good evening. Just to update you on what is going on with the blogs. I have imported 'The Wanderer' to this site, 'The Wanderer' tells you two years of my life on the streets after fleeing the Diocese of Winchester, the Wanderer has a gap in February and March of this year when I attempted to live indoors before the Diocese launched on me, and it ceases altogether in October, two years after it started, as the Church of England were hurting me terribly and I became very ill with stress and thus M.E. and had to quit all my activities, including college and the preparations for a second sponsored trek.
'Life after the Diocese' tells of my new life, and I have merged 'The Wanderer' with 'Life after the Diocese' on this blog nest, so it is all accessible in one now.

http://lifeafterthediocese.blogspot.co.uk/

I will also be importing 'Homeless' to this blog nest, but will be keeping it offline while I sort through it and transfer my story to this blog.

Tech probs

Due to technical problems recently, a few posts have been a bit messed up.
Just in case the message hasn't got through, I am doing a new day-to-day blog called 'Life after the Diocese', which is available on my blog list.
This is so that I can share the traumatic historic stuff on this blog without disrupting it with daily posts, a bit like when I divided 'homeless' and 'The Wanderer'.

I will be transferring posts as soon as we sort out the internet this week.

http://lifeafterthediocese.blogspot.co.uk/

Today's post.
Well the weather is a bit rough today, and yesterday and tomorrow. for once the Daily Express's Hysteria about the weather appears to be correct.

Yesterday evening I battled through weather and rush hour and pain to see my friends.
It was worth it, I was delighted when I got there that they had got me a real little Christmas tree, all decorated with lights and baubles and in a pot.

We went shopping, and so I have another load of groceries and goodies.
And then we had a meal and a good old natter, so that was lovely.

It was very late last night when I got home. And I was tired and in pain, but it was all worth it.

I slept through the night, woke in pain at 7am and took painkillers, and then fell asleep until 10.15am!!!!!!!!!
The luxury of housedwelling, a lie in as the rain and wind batter the house.
It took me a few hours to sort myself out and then go in town to look for a new collar. I haven't found one yet, so I will have to ask the phys or the doctor.
Haha, yes, I need a new neck collar, I haven't worn one since Jersey, and I think it got left there, but the pain is so horrendous, even with 1000mg (prescribed) of ibuprophen and combination painkillers, which make me feel more ill.
Collars remind me of a female priest I know, who never wears her dog collar, and she got told off by a man at church for not wearing a collar, and so when she was sorting out leads and collars for her dogs, she tried on a studded dog collar and considered going to church wearing it. Ah, it did suit her :)

Well today I am going to see if I can arrange a physio appointment and then I am going to wrap up in my princess blanket and watch television, or the fish tank, depending on what is on :) Tomorrow I am going to startle the gang by turning up at church wearing a coat, that'll worry them!

Excuse the lack of historic posts, I can't do much online at the moment and I am not well enough to focus on transferring posts from 'homeless' to this blog yet.

today's post

Good evening.
Really feeling unwell, but am out and about at the moment.
This morning I did a very successful shift on street collection for charity, but I was very glad of my thermal top, it was bitter cold out.
Then I have stayed out and about, shopping, running errands and other things, and my friends have asked to borrow me, so I am about to fight my way through rush hour to get to them a while :) hey hey, I'm dreaming of a hot chocolate, with whipped cream and marshmallow.
I will be online first thing in the morning if not again tonight.  If I even get home tonight.

today's post Home for Christmas :)

Well yesterday was getting increasingly stressful as I sat there feeling cold and ill and unable to communicate with any of the essential people, you know how I get when that happens.
Then gradually it all started to sort out, and I felt like a fool for panicking.
Sorry I got stressed, everyone, and thanks for everything.

A few rain showers and heartfelt chats later, we got me as far as a cafe in town and then home.

And then it was all lovely, apart from the pain.

everything looked lovely, the fairy lights, all my cards hung up on strands of tinsel, the candle lit, all beautiful.
I was left alone in the house with the sattelite tv, but I found the fish tank much more interesting to watch.So me and the cat watched the fish tank for a while :)
I was so tired that I was in bed by 8pm, but I woke at 1.30am in horrendous pain, got up, took painkillers with tea and did acupressure and slept again.

I was up at 6am, all excited cos it's Christmas and I am home and everything is awesome!
Still in pain but a bit less, I had a shower and did acupressure and came into town as I am due to be on charity duty in an hour. Not my best thing, but I am happy to help.

It's Christmas! And I am home! :):):) yay.
Last Christmas was tough because I was severely depressed and my friends were ill as well, this year things have been tough but I think the tough has broken up for Christmas.

I hope to be online this afternoon.

Lots of new readers along the South Coast in the last 24 hours, cool. :) I hear you get gales there sometimes.

today's post

Hey peeps,
I am being delayed, I am waiting for the move 'home for Christmas' if you like.
This is frustrating.
I feel quite tired and shaky and unwell after yesterday's efforts, so I hope that various people that I am relying on, make contact.
I will not be online much after today, but don't panic, I will still be writing, and I will post when I get an opportunity, and I will be transferring my full story from the homeless blog to this one, the story of my life in Jersey and before, wonder if I will get arrested for data protection breaches? :)

I am so tired, when I get home I will sleep for a while, and hopefully with some painkillers and lots of deep heat cream, I will be back to normal soon.

this morning's post

Good morning,
7.30am, moving on day.
Can't do much until midday, so have to wait and hope for the best.

I was dreaming a lot in the night, dreamed of my family, sad confused dream, dreamed of my uncle Mike, then I dreamed I was working with a very sad and quiet gardener, and he said to me 'you never ask questions or try to get me to talk', and I replied that I never asked questions or tired to get people to talk, and he said that because of that, he would talk to me.
He told me about his son who had been killed while working on a hedge.

That was a sad dream.

forums, gifts and incorrect comments

someone just drew my attention to the Jersey forum where they have been going on about sending me gifts and other stuff to do with the church. As ever, I find it hard to deal with the inaccuracies.
Unfortunately, due to a serious breach of my trust and confidence in November, I cannot be sent things, I will not put myself or my friends at risk.
The thought is lovely, guys, and I wish with all my heart I could give you a solution and the thought is very kind, but due to the serious risk I was put at, which has left me very ill and tired, I cannot in any way risk my safety or that of my friends, nor can I risk attempts by anyone to use my friends in anything, as this is similar to what has happened.

Just reading brief glimpses of the forum, and very appreciative of the support, I will repost my letter to the Bishop and statement to BBC Jersey. It wlould help me if commentors on the blogs and forums actually took in my side of things and stopped coming out with unhelpful and inaccurate comments that traumatize me. There is no excuse for trying to make the Diocese of Winchester's 'offer of help' valid after what they have done to me.

Bishop Tim Dakin

Wolvsley Palace 

Winchester 

SO23 9ND

19/11/2013

Formal legal letter:

Dear Bishop Tim Dakin,

This is a formal legal letter, to warn you that due to the failure of Hampshire Constabulary to effectively warn you against harassing me and due to your continued harassment of me, you are to desist from harassing me, as are your clergy and staff and anyone associated with you or I will make a public legal effort to have you restrained.

You had no right to have me traced and violated in March by the same police who your safeguarding officer previously used to have me brutalized and detained for 24 hours, claiming I was insane on 14/02/2011 as I responded to her and Bishop Scott-Joynts endless violations of my privacy and human rights in Winchester.

You  forced yourself into my life with humiliating and horrifying press releases which severely embarrassed and shamed me in my community and lost me friends and humiliated and isolated and shocked me, those press releases contained theoretical ‘apologies’ which were no more than PR stunts and were never backed up by genuine personal apologies and there was never any intention of doing so.

Instead you threatened me with a court order that I knew nothing about in reply to me contacting you and begging and begging for you not to do a repeat of the harassment and violation of my life by Jane Fisher and Michael Scott-Joynt that occurred in 2011 which led to them having me repeatedly brutalized by police and locked up, again I have never recovered. I had no knowledge of a court order, but why did you have me traced if I was under a court order, and why did my destroyer, Jane Fisher state to the court in Sussex that she ‘still wanted to help me’, if I was being restrained for responding to her interference? I was left knowing she could go on violating my life and that every time I responded I would be beaten and locked up and no-one would protect me, hence me going on the run and changing my name, and yet you had me traced, violated my privacy and then threatened me when I begged to be left alone! Do you, a Bishop really consider any of this just and fair? I am left as helpless as a child at the hands of a rapist, and that is indeed what this has felt like to me, it is an endless horror from which I am not allowed to escape.

You had the untruthful and defamatory Korris report published internationally and refused to remove it, and allowed your clergy in Jersey to run a smear campaign that has done severe irreparable emotional damage to me. 

You refused at any time to do anything about that made it quite clear while threatening me and also allowing this defamatory report and smear campaign that you had no concern for me or my welfare whatsoever and launched on me and wrecked my life for reasons known only to yourself.

You then allowed a conflicted Judge, Dame Heather Steel, to produce an inaccurate and utterly destroying report against me on behalf of my abuser and the Dean of Jersey, who you cleared of misconduct without investigation despite him having commited misconduct.

You have further proceeded to continue to threaten me by emailing me when asked to desist, you have at all times refused to go through Bob Hill who has been representing me as my mediator since April or May, and instead you intimidate and horrify me by emailing me, when, since your threats about a court order in reply to my pleas to you not to violate my life, your emails cause me severe shock and trauma and I do not read them.

You, your staff and your clergy are to refrain from ever making contact with me, and you are to refrain from publishing and circulating untruthful, defamatory and inaccurate reports, all of which, so far, omit my side of things.

I am utterly horrified to hear recently that the Church of England have, behind my back and against my wishes, violated my life and privacy, despite my warnings and pleas in the pretence of care, again. This is to cease from the instant you get this letter, and if I had not have my human rights violated repeatedly from Jersey onwards by Jane Fisher, I would have no police record and no severe psychological scarring from the brutalizations and imprisonments I have endured. You have made my life unlivable and handled me unjustly at all times, there is no excuse for any violation until my story is published and the defamatory and inaccurate reports withdrawn, and even then, help is only ever to be provided with my full consent and knowledge. Jane Fisher’s constant denial of my human rights has left me so deeply scarred that I will never feel safe again.

You do not, logically, carry out three investigations about me that exclude my side of things and humiliate and defame me and then claim any right to yet again violate my privacy and leave me terrified and humiliated and having no choice but to go on the run yet again.

I do not understand your latest stance of using the NSPCC to harass me but there is no possible reason for their involvement as I am neither a child nor a carer for a child.

Your production of the Steel report, when Dame Steel is conflicted and has produced an untruthful defamatory and inaccurate report to protect the Jersey clique has left me severely psychologically injured and with no hope at all for my future. There is only so much a human soul can take, and what you have inflicted on me solidly for eight months on top of what happened previously is more than any human being, let alone a disabled and injured homeless one, can take.

You, Bishop Tim Dakin, your safeguarding officer Jane Fisher, your staff and clergy are to immediately desist from this cruel and vicious onslaught on my life which began in March of this year and has continued without any relief and has left me desparate and deeply deeply depressed and hopeless. You will only ever be My Destroyers, you have never done anything to refute that title.

Among the damages to me in the last eight months alone are:defamation, loss of friends and support, activities, therapy, college, charity events, hope and quality of life, you have left me so desperate and hopeless and demoralized that even my best friends cannot help me and have been very concerned.

I cannot begin to imagine the reason behind your cruel, brutal and hostile onslaught into my life or your repeated production of reports and investigations that omit my side of things, what happened to me and what my true state of health is, instead you have omitted me from all reports and labelled me incorrectly as mentally ill, and have deliberately at all points omitted a complaint against your safeguarding officer, Jane Fisher, who has subjected me to constant severe psychological harm for years.

You are not to publish any further libel or distressing reports against me and you are to withdraw your damaging publications, you are not to threaten, harass or annoy me any further, nor are you to use anyone else or any other agency to harass me or deceive me further.

I have no wish to seek compensation but I will have to seek legal protection, and publicize it if your harassment of me doesn’t cease.

What should stand out glaringly in this is your have run this months-long campaign of hatred, destroyal and defamation against me, but you have consistently protected my abusers and their supporters and allowed them to defame and harm me while retaining a place in the church, while I have been left destitute, slandered, unable to seek help because of the record you have given me, and unable to trust because of the damage and defamation which has destroyed my trust and hope.

This letter is a warning, a legal letter of intent to seek legal protection in the absence of adequate police protection.

This letter is to be retained by all recipients, who are all connected to this case, for their records.

Sincerely,

Statement to BBC Jersey:

I would like to state that I am insulted and damaged by the Bishop's statement.

I have been severely damaged by the Diocese of Winchester and would not trust any help from them or anyone connected with them, they have never had my consent to arrange help and are again removing my autonomy and privacy by trying to force their agenda on me and not taking into acco unt my private life and the help I am already receiving or how wounding their violations of me are after the harm they did to me.

Dame Steel produced a report that omitted my side of things but included witness accounts of at least one person who has never met me and was not even there when I was in Jersey, the way the conflicted report has proceeded for months, omitting me and with the Diocese ignoring the conflict, has left me very ill, so I do not understand how the Bishop has the audacity to 'offer help', while he has absolved the wrongdoers and seriously harmed me.

No help will ever undo the harm done to me by the Diocese of Winchester, the severity and effects of the harm will limit my life and harm me until I die. 

His comments about 'called to help the lost, the last and the least' is plain ridiculous in light of what I have suffered at the hands of the Church of England.

The Bishop received a legal letter from me last week, warning him not to harass me further with intervention in my life. This legal letter is not the letter mentioned that has prevented him publishing Dame Steel's report.

Sincerely,

HG

October 30th 2011 -remember that I was severely traumatized while writing the last bit on 3/11/11, and although it is still true, I am resigned to my fate and slightly less despairing

Abuse takes the beauty out of beautiful scenery, it takes away smiles and laughter, it isolates people, it shames people, it takes hopes and bright futures. Abuse is bad, and so much abuse is denied at the expense of the victim.

Am I the bad person? my family aren't there for me, and the church condemn my life.
I feel so useless, I wish God would let my life end.

Part 1. Things are grim so let me be grim and share some sad and grim thoughts for a minute.

Because of my autistic background I think I absorbed what other people used to say sometimes and believed things I heard too readily.

 I grew up thinking I wasn’t going to live to be 16, my sister had said she didn’t believe she was going to live to be 16, and when she was 16 she said she didn’t know why she was still alive;
 she was suicidally depressed and she was my role model, so this impacted on me, I think I was suffering depression by the time I was 11, my mother also used to say some very odd things when I was young, she said the world was going to end in 2006, and I believed her and couldn’t see any point in planning for the future of imagining a career or marriage, because there wasn’t enough time in the world.

 I felt scared and helpless, but I plodded on with my education and college, carrying this fearful secret that the world was going to end and so there was no point in all the things that people do and take for granted. My mother also told me that there weren’t going to be any good men left to marry by the time I was old enough, and that the Bible had said that we were to emigrate to Israel one day, a country that would be far too hot for me and a very unsettled unsafe place to live;
 but my mum said maybe we would be the lucky ones who would be picking up the bodies on the battlefield, she expected us to fight in some sort of war for God in Israel.

so I entered adult life with little hope and many problems. Someone on the autistic spectrum needs settledness, peacefulness and a low arousal environment with as little change as possible, I have never known such an environment, in fact my life could not be further from these requirements, so it was a difficult task to try and learn to be ‘normal’ and to educate myself and learn to interact. I have learned that the ‘poverty trap’ doesn’t mean lack of money alone,

it means being stuck in circumstances beyond your control no matter how hard you try, and having to depend on other people, and suffering for it, suffering abuse and suffering shame and being shamed, because you are slated for not doing better, for relying on others in your poverty and sometimes having to rely on the wrong people, and the only people who do understand that it is not about being a sponger, a scrounger, an opportunist, are the other people who have also been down this well, and know the shame of it, and who know that you can try your very hardest to climb the well and you get to a point when you fall down again, poor background, disability and no access to essential educational and medical services are something it takes a lifetime to overcome sometimes.
 Unless you marry  or partner someone with a better background, unless you do have fairytale lucky breaks, and everything turns out right, sadly I tried very very hard to overcome things, educate myself and get the help I needed, but in the end traumatised and breaking down, I was condemned, by the very church where I suffered both abuse ignorant handling and was left broken, there is no way out of the trap now, I am lower than those who can get a council house in W. or S. and call it home and subsist on benefits, they couldn’t aspire to live like the people of L. or O., The Island or The Bishop’s Palace, but in main they are content to have a home and sit in the library of daycentre and chat about life, I cannot sit and chat, I am alone and condemned, so I thought I would share the second chapter of my life, my efforts to grow into an adult and heal myself and gain some quality of life.
 Because no one had heard any of my story until recently and I had never been able to verbalise it.

From what I have experienced at the hands of the church as a vulnerable adult, there is nowhere less Christian and less understanding of poverty and need than the church, the congregations of wealthy, often older, middle class have never experienced hardship and have no empathy for it.
The same denomination is causing confusion now by trying to ordain younger and younger priests and rip the pews out while slating anyone who objects to this sudden and violent change, but that is another subject for another day.

03/11/12

I remember being a young child and being scared and abused, seeing violence and feeling harsh punishments, I remember being on the move all the time, I remember the hostile press and the hysteria, I remember the violence and hostility, I remember my sister being assaulted, the violence in the hostel, the nightmare of the small house and trying to go to school aged 8 and not fitting in, the endless moving on, the hardship, the anger, the violence, the depression, the crazy religeon, the homelessness, the shame and poverty and ragged clothes, the missing out on all the good things, the escape from the family and attempt to sort myself out and do better, the struggles, the failures, the abuse, the condemnation of the church, the destroyal of what I ha tried to build of a life, and the shame as the church continued to harm me after destroying me, and how they blamed me for reacting and denied responsibility.
what hope is there? that is thirty years of fighting against the tide, all the good ambitions I had, honest hard work, hope for healing and a good safe home and family is gone, my career and home and everything I lived for, and the little bit of quality of life that I gained, are gone, there is nothing, and no way of rebuilding it. I cannot live indoors or remove the terrible one sided story that the church have placed there, the bad record they have given me, I am helpless and lost and too damaged to ever heal.

Today's post

Good afternoon.
well I am just waiting to see if I can get a physio appointment before Christmas, unlikely but worth a try, less pain and better mobility would be a good Christmas present.

This morning was charity stuff, someone kindly gave me a lift up the hill with a heavy load of goods for the charity depot.
And then I was being roped into all sorts of things, including a street collection on Friday, which I technically shouldn't do, because of the pain, but I will.

I am going to rest, as I have a busy evening and tomorrow is a busy day when I change location, and I will be online less then, and over Christmas.

more comparisons

29/10/2011:

more comparisons:

Jesus was born in poverty and without a proper home,
so was I,
most people in the churches where I was hurt were born into comfortable homes

Jesus was born  to his parents alone with no medical help, so was I,
the church people have pictures of mothers and babies in hospitals
that is all they know,

what is Christening? Jesus was baptised as an adult without the frills and showers of gifts that the church Christenings demand and the wealthy who have destroyed me take for granted, I was baptised as an adult by someone who emotionally harmed me, with a witness who sexually abused me, and with two other witnesses who upheld them, my baptism was rushed because of their hurry to have me confirmed into the church,
my baptism wasn't the big family occasion with gifts and a party and drinking and dancing, neither was Jesus's, but probably without exception, the party and gifts were what the people in the church had for their baptisms and their children's baptisms.

29/10/2011:

God bless everyone in the world.

I remember on the island when one of the priests said about someone saying we should even pray for the extremists and mass murderers of a certain faith, some of the people muttered about it.
Yes, it is hard for me to pray for the people who have personally harmed me, and no doubt my abusers and their supporters pray for me for show.
But I can understand praying for people who want to harm people, praying that they will repent and see a better way of doing things.

Now I have launched into this controversial subject, I am going to stop talking in case I cause outcry.

posting from homeless October 2011

19/10/2011

There are things I try not to think about:

abuse
things said and done
my lack of car and driving licence and how the church took both
my lack of bank account, also gone because of the church making me homeless
the terrible things that the church have said and done and denied
the lack of money and lack of future
the fact that the people who have hurt me and the people who have supported the hurters have got away with it
Dad's death
Anne's death - my friend who died after the diocese had driven a wedge between me and her
what G.P. has done - G.P was a close friend of my Dad and family, and last year he was arrested on child kidnap and porn charges, and there is no doubt he did those things but I hadn't known he was that kind of guy, neither had my Dad, I think other members of the family did. (G.P. was a close family friend who was arrested while the Diocese were destroying me). he abused my younger sister.
my family
my background
the millions of repercussions from what the church have done to me
how useless and ashamed and worthless I am, especially with the church labels
Thats enough for now.

20/10/2011

I know someone who tells me she was satanically abused in the church of England.
The problem is that she has mental health problems, problems get labels from Borderline personality disorder to paranoid schitzophrenia. She threatens violence and does very severe things, she is into druidism and spells.

The problem for me is that I know what it is like to be disbelieved, I know what it is like to be labelled insane, and for all I know, her behaviour could be because of the abuse, as my own wild anger and bizarre responses to the pressure from the church was, I am declared free from serious mental illness though, and I don't threaten lives.
what should I do? believe her? It is hard to get any solid consistant details from her, or worry that I am feeding a fantasy if I support her?

21/10/2011

can I just share some things before I have to log off and go out into the cold?

some of the things that hurt and distress me every day (and this is the very tip of the iceberg)

The way church leaders lied and protected my abusers

The way I was called wicked and malicious and a troublemaker and a liar by the church

The way that the church brought false accusations against me rather than accept any responsibility for their actions and behaviours, the way they blamed and criminalised me.

The way they took my whole life from me and pretended that they were only caring and concerned, and made me out to be insane.

That is all I have time to write today, I am now going out into the cold dark world that I live and sleep in.


22/11/2011

I am trying to write about what has happened to me in order, but sometimes I want to get the terrible things that have been said and done out of my head.

Can I share some things with you in order to help me sleep better?

The person who was supposed to investigate and deal with my complaint of abuse told me that my abusers were 'just Christians who got things wrong', and yet the church leader called me wicked for reporting his friend for abuse.

After the church destroyed me, I managed to re-settle in a new church, until the diocese contacted them and 'told them about me', and the priest came and shouted at me and said he had 'heard about me and what I had done', he had not heard about what I had been through though and when I spoke about it he said he 'couldn't comment because he didn't know anything about it'.
My abusers were not bad mouthed and blackened this way, they were told they were innocent by their friend, the church leader who got away with trying to close my complaint and support them and blacken my name.
My abusers were both accused previous to abusing me, one of abusing his own daughter and one of misconduct in a pastoral care role in a previous church that led to him being sacked from that role, and yet both these men were in positions in the church where they were able to prey on me.

preying, a speciality of the church. A place where vulnerable people go to seek shelter, and a place where abusers go to find vulnerable people and to gain power

Despair 25/10/2011:

I am reminded of how much the church have restricted and damaged me, and it breaks my heart and leaves me in despair.
I am reminded of how I smell homeless and it makes me sad.

I am reminded of the times when I sat in the college chapel, trying to teach myself grammar from a little book before class, my grammar isn't too good, but I am not sure why, I think maybe my eagerness to talk means I do long convoluted and sometimes slightly confused sentences with too many colons and not enough full stops or semi-colons.

My book that I am looking at in between blogs is called 'Louder than Words', it is about a boy with autism and how his mother tries to get help for him.

I am about to continue the London blog, but some of this is cut and pasted from where I have written it elsewhere, so it may be in a slightly different style.

posting from 'Homeless' continued

Good evening, I have achieved a lot in the last few days, but I am very tired.

Just thinking about the church of england's patent cure for Autism, trauma and abuse, I don't think brutality, cover-ups and destroying someone will ever be recommended by NICE. No, it didn't make me do things the way the church wanted.

We are copying off the homeless blog tonight, but be aware that when I do ***** etc, that is hiding a name rather than swearing, if I copy direct and do not edit much, then ***** will appear a lot.

I must just remind you that 'The Wanderer' is my day to day homeless blog and 'Homeless' is the historic blog that was split from 'The Wanderer' as the two together was a very big blog.

I will have to be careful not to swamp you with information from 'homeless' as there is an awful lot, and I was just looking at it, spoilt for choice as to what to transfer while I get the energy to transfer the serious stuff.

This was written on 29/10/2011:

a short version of an ongoing poem of comparisons

who are these people who abused you?
Christians?
well a Christian is a follower of Christ,
and did he abuse or advocate it?

who are these people who called you mad?
Christians?
did Jesus condemn madness and use it to cover his tracks?
did he wrongly accuse anyone as madness?
no, he helped legion and didn't blame him

Who are these people who called you wicked, a liar, mad and all those other terrible things?
Christians?
when did Jesus do this? when did he advocate it? Never, it was done to Him
these people who have done these things are covering up their own wrongdoing
at such a price to the one they do it to
just as they did to Jesus when He shamed them

who are these people, in their big houses and so surrounded by wealth and good
that they have no understanding of poverty and pain? and yet for show they claim to help the poor?
Christians?
Jesus was homeless and had nothing,
he was scorned  and crucified by the people who claimed to be teachers of God's law
think about that and think about who is writing this

Jesus died in pain and agony, who are these people who suffer nothing and live in luxury?
Christians?
did Jesus work in an organization that puts out it's hands for money, hires out it's places of worship for money and lives behind lawyers, advisers and safeguarding?
Jesus turned the tables over in the temple in anger
but the church conveniently erases that, interprets that as they like
and despises and looks down on people like me, who struggle to build a better life out of poverty

The unforgiving church destroyed me for my distress and speaking out
are these people Christians?
Jesus taught forgiveness but the church in the strong position preferred harsh punishments
just as they had Jesus crucified thousands of years ago.
just as they crucified me, though I am no-one, just a thorn in their side


Posted 18/11/2012, please note, the adoptive mother and violent husband are JM and her husband, not the church warden couple.
The stupor I lived in was a real dissociative trance that kept me alive at that time, a year after leaving Jersey and very severely traumatized. Too traumatized for any therapy to work, it was being on the streets and beyond the Diocese that kept me alive

Tuesday, 18 October 2011

memories

Memories:

Every day is full is memories, I try not to let it be, I live in a stupor where memories are not allowed, but they break through anyway, flashes of memories, memories of my brothers tormenting me, my sister sneering at me from her position of a year older than me and not autistic, memories of the endless trauma and violence and abuse and stress of our childhood on the move and outcast from society, memories, memories,
 memories of the beautiful fields of my home county and the wonderful agricultural and horticultural work that I did, memories of being cuddled into my adoptive mother's arms, and her jealous husband's violent temper and abuse of me, memories of my efforts to be a good and useful person in the community and the church,
memories of my former counsellor, the steadiest and most insightful and kind person I have met, memories of struggles to look after myself and make ends meet, and my failures and debts, memories of being back in college and back to working on farms, memories of the days when I began to see a future, memories of the sea and the boats and being surrounded by friends and beginning to have quality of life, memories of abuse and collapse and the whole world going dark, the memories I try hardest to drown out, the memories that are hardest to drown out.

please save me I am falling here, I am lost and alone.