Wednesday, 18 June 2014

Jersey -St. Saviour 2007/2008

  • I guess I should have been less naive and more competent and assertive, I shouldn't have stayed with the churchwarden and his wife as I did, but I had blind faith in them, and they were acting as the adults in my life.
  • I guess I know from recent experiences, that I can change my circumstances, because I was in that lodging house with no light, water coming through the roof and people fighting about drugs in the corridor, and thinking that because of where I came from and who the Diocese said I was, until I realised that when I was in my early 20s, I had secured myself a perfectly good bedsit where I had lived for years, and so, I pulled together some self belief and got the flat where I live now, but in Jersey I was still immature and went along with what the churchwarden wanted. And, although the arrangement was for me to stay with the churchwarden until I found lodgings, he wanted me to stay with them full stop, and his wife didn't, but until I found Jersey Insight, we got nowhere with finding lodgings for me anyway.
  • When I found Jersey insight and started applying for lodgings there, I was able to apply by email for many rooms, and viewed some rooms.
  • I remember, the churchwarden's wife was critical of rooms we looked at, well basically I don't think she understood that non-qualified rooms that I could afford, were not going to be very nice by her standards, she kind of acted as if she was a lady and wanted everything posh, so what was available was not good enough.
  • In the same vein, she tried to dress me up, because her husband was making her endure me, but that didn't work, because I can't be put in lady clothes, I am a jeans and jumper person because I am a child, and dressing me as a woman, as FM had once wanted to do, doesn't work and makes me into someone I cannot be.
  • I feel very sorry for that poor churchwarden's wife, her husband had a history of causing her distress because of his behaviour and the reactions such as his sacking from St. pauls. She adored him and lived in denial, and she had a history of depressive breakdown as a result.
  • Poor lady, I was just another unwanted burden to her, and she said so, which has scarred me ever since.

  • The immortal 'sex without the duvet' conversation occured while I was with the churchwarden, it was among a number of conversations that occured when he had sat me on his knees, which he liked to do
  • Another thing I remember that left me sad and disillusioned about faith and marriage was another conversation when the churchwarden had sat me on his knees. He told me that it was easy to get bored with your marriage partner and he had to make an effort to love his wife, he said that that is why the words at a marriage ceremony say: 'will you love...' But to me, that just sounded so sad, because as far as I knew before, all the couples apart from FM and JM that I knew, did truly still love each other, not just making an effort. JM used to tell me she stayed with FM out of sheer bloodymindedness and because she was afraid she would lose credibility as a cleric if she didn't.

  • The thing the church, the ould bully and all other people forget as they smear me and write reports that do not include me, is, that the churchwarden and his wife, just as the Lihous and M's and others, are responsible for their actions, in taking me home, in behaving in ways that harmed me and got a reaction from me, they are responsible, but as Jane Fisher stated, the church see me as responsible for reacting and does not count the behaviours and actions of church employees and volunteers as their responsibility.

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