Tuesday, 11 March 2014

This is a very honest but 'bitty' and embarassing and scattered statement written in 2008

Be warned this is not nice easy reading, I felt like I was on trial from the moment the Dean tried to squash my complaint and further so when JM and her distorted views became involved. 
I wrote honestly and putting other people in as good a light as I could, but I was very hurt and broken.
When someone in a position of authority takes a vulnerable person home and tries to mend them, they need to be responsible and act responsibly, or better still, not do it.
I was due to move on from Jersey to France in the autumn of 2007, after spending the planned summer in Jersey, but the churchwarden and vicar couples were the ones who asked me to stay and settle in Jersey.
Interesting that they, when exposed as doing wrong, made me out to be mad and bad, months of seeing me frequently, when did they decide I was mad and bad? Before or after persuading me to settle in Jersey and the Churchwarden taking me to his home?
Please remember, this statement is one of many and refers to incidents fully described elsewhere.
Names have been changed, as usual, please excuse if any accidentally aren't.




·        He ‘adopted’ me when he’d known me only two weeks and hardly knew me, there was no real discussion about me being their ‘daughter’, but he and Churchwarden’s wife were at odds about from the beginning. And I was to call them mummy and daddy, but to be excluded from their family and family parties.

·        He shouldn’t have done therapy on me if he was my daddy, he shouldn’t have done sexual therapy on me.

·        He and Churchwarden’s wife between them repeatedly made me feel small and rubbish while making out that they were helping me.

·        Churchwarden  caused bigger problems between me and St. A’s than there already were.
·        Churchwarden  and Churchwarden’s wife have never apologised for anything, not even Christmas, I was forbidden to talk about Christmas, but Churchwarden  talked about their side of Christmas to Vicar’s wife, and I was very shocked, but I was ‘punished’ for reacting. I was down on my knees apologising and trying to put everything right all the time, even though I was reacting to the way I was being treated and the situation that Churchwarden  had created.

·        If Churchwarden  casts any doubts on my integrity, it may be that my former therapist can explain that I do have integrity, and explain any of the things I do, she is highly skilled in trauma cases, but she should only be contacted if necessary and please ask first, as she is retired due to health problems. If Churchwarden  and Churchwarden’s wife had perfect integrity, then they would have talked this all through rather than running for ‘advice’ and throwing me away.

·        July 07 Friendship started with Churchwarden  ‘adopting’ me after 2 weeks
·        August, Churchwarden  was already talking about sex and there was already a division between Churchwarden  saying I was daughter and Churchwarden’s wife being much more reluctant about that, I was expected to call her mummy though and was ‘told off’ if I didn’t.

·        September, by now Churchwarden  was upsetting me and I was struggling at St. A’s.
·        October, I think Churchwarden ’s hand slips started then, and the emotional games were happening.

·        November, Churchwarden  got me to live with them,  Churchwarden’s wife was reluctant, and Churchwarden ’s games were starting
·        December, a terrible Christmas where I was told that I would be welcome, but I spent most of Christmas alone. Churchwarden  went through a very intensive phase of loving me in the week after Christmas, it felt like he was trying to be my lover and I got confused.

·        January,
·        February08, I was becoming quite depressed and unsettled.
·        March, a very painful birthday, Churchwarden  told me before I went to England for my birthday that I was not daughter, but he and Churchwarden’s wife sent me away with a card on my birthday that said I was daughter, I was very miserable and hurt and confused. Churchwarden  had another phase of being extremely intimate with me as well, this was when he sat me on his lap on the sofa and was kissing my lips goodnight and seemed excited.

March/April, a row when I was told by Churchwarden  that I wasn’t daughter and I lost my temper and told Churchwarden’s wife that Churchwarden  had said inappropriate things.
·        April, there was a row when Churchwarden  tried once again to say I was in love with him, and I moved out without saying goodbye, I was ill and refused to go back for supper for a week or two. I could see no future for the friendship but I loved them, it was horrible, I was ill.

·        April/May,  Mission and New Wine CI, Churchwarden  attempted to ‘Guideline’ me, and I was rejected from the ‘family’ when I reacted by saying that Churchwarden  was causing some of my behaviour by what he was doing. Churchwarden’s wife told me that they had ‘taken advice about me, they never talked things through with me, despite an attempt at reconciliation  from my side after ‘repenting’ because of the way the Vicarwho was one of the people running New Wine (CI), set up a situation where I was left feeling that I needed to change my view and start afresh. When I went back to Churchwarden’s wife and Churchwarden  they pretended that I was their daughter, it was a very see through pretence, and Churchwarden  repeatedly told me very blatantly that Churchwarden’s wife did not want me. 

June/July, the deterioration continued and the friendship ended as Churchwarden  continued to get at me with Churchwarden’s wife’s opinion and blaming me and my behaviour. He also caused great distress by saying he had to discuss with the Vicar whether or not he could ‘continue working with me’, there was very very clearly no ‘work’ between me and Churchwarden , he had said I was daughter, and there was no therapy agreement.

Churchwarden  and Churchwarden’s wife after the Guidelines incident were not ‘mum’ and ‘Dad’ or ‘mummy’ and ‘daddy’, they never explained or clarified this, but talking, on the phone, in emails, and any conversation they called themselves by their names, I was not ‘daughter’ or ‘precious daughter’ anymore, and though I went on loving Churchwarden  as a father despite what he’d done, when I said ‘daddy’ to him, I got sharp looks and no response, he would cuddle me if Churchwarden’s wife wasn’t there, and would not cuddle me if she was. All of this was very painful for me, I really felt that I had done great wrong, and that I was to blame, and Churchwarden  and Churchwarden’s wife certainly encouraged those feelings with their opinions, me trying to make it all ok I kept buying Churchwarden’s wife flowers and presents, trying to be nice, but Churchwarden’s wife kept going on about my behaviour and the hurt was unbearable, I could see no future, I had lost the adoptive family that ‘God had sent me to’, I was a failure. Churchwarden  had said in the past that God had sent me to them, but Churchwarden  never told me that God had told them to throw me away when things went wrong, they were just walking away and not concluding or healing anything, they knew I was ill, I went to hospital, I lost my hair, I thought I would die from suicide or the vomiting and the pressure in my head, I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t eat, I spent days wandering around not really knowing where I was, and I had to give up work because I was no longer capable of work. Churchwarden  and Churchwarden’s wife slammed me for not working as well, even when I started work part time again when I was well enough, my illness/work record are checkable. My hospital visits/hair loss are checkable. My seeing therapist and speaking to former therapist are checkable, and any doubts of my integrity can be settled by my former therapist in England, please understand that I am not denying behaving badly, but it has been in reaction to the way I have been treated. I have been in unimaginable pain because of the way the churchwarden couple treated me, because of the way they shared this mistreatment of me with the Vicar and his wife and any other church people.

·        I have been to their church, looking for the loving God that they took away from me. Trying to understand what they did to me in the name of God.
·        I have attacked them verbally, the pain and distress and the fact that they blamed me and walked away sent me out of control.
·        I have had failed friendships before, I am told that even normal people have, but I have never had a friendship like the one that the Churchwarden couple did, nor do I have huge amounts of failed friendships, at present I am counting three ‘true failures’ including the Churchwarden couple and they have damaged other relationships of mine here, I have never been ‘taken over’ and hurt to this level before, and the ‘family/not family’, abuse and being controlled and maligned issue has wounded me more deeply than anything ever has. I am sorry that I have reacted, I was dehumanised, could anyone have done any better? The churchwarden couple never apologised, they were outraged, wounded ‘Good Christians’, ‘only trying to help me’ and I ‘was so ungrateful’.
·         

·        When I wrote to Churchwarden  and Churchwarden’s wife when I was house sitting for their son, I wrote because problems with Churchwarden  were occurring, this was in October/November last year and Churchwarden  had created a situation where I was alone with him in a room, and had then said about people talking, just after that he had told me off sharply for kissing his cheek as I hugged him, ‘what will people think’, today I kissed my friend’s cheek after the remembrance day service, I have known her since I was seventeen, no one, not me, not her, not anyone imagines that anything inappropriate is happening there, it is ridiculous that Churchwarden  was playing with my emotions like that, yet when I wrote to them I was told off, I wrote because speaking about these things is hard for me, but I was told off, called a few names by Churchwarden’s wife and told that my letters would be burned, Churchwarden  kept a file of my letters, and I took the file off them when I left (Some of these have been gathered together and handed to the police, including the above letters), but the churchwarden couple will have a very big file of my letters and emails since the friendship hit trouble, some of which are cruel and terrible because I have been so ill and hurt, they showed the Dean the letters and emails when they saw him, before I got to see him, and basically ensured that the Dean was unwilling to help me, he told me that they were sitting in his study distressed and sorrowful, but Churchwarden  and Churchwarden’s wife always blamed me, they showed no sorrow with me as they turned away without an apology and left me with the blame.

·        For some reason Churchwarden  thought it was alright for him to phone my friend JM, to try and justify what he did as ‘therapy’, even a trained therapist with a clear contract with a client must never be sexual with a client, and a member of family cannot be a therapist to another member of family. I really had no idea what was happening with Churchwarden , he called me daughter and I wanted a father, I wanted to belong to a family, especially a Christian family, the boundaries that Churchwarden  moved and moulded constantly confused and disorientated me, right from the beginning, but I was blamed, always, Churchwarden  was there, dominating, gently touching, telling me that I was wrong and my reactions were ‘not from God’, he was ‘the man’, ‘in charge’, I heard him say many times to people about other things and situations that ‘he was always right’. Churchwarden  didn’t phone me to explain and apologise, he phoned Reverend JM without my permission, broke into a long standing  friendship and damaged it, he, and then Churchwarden’s wife told JM ‘all the terrible things I had been doing’, and JM, who has her own way of thinking, and doesn’t believe in Asbergers Syndrome, tried to tell me off, and got deeply involved, caused further misunderstandings, and my friendship with her (she was like a mother to me) is irreparably damaged, I have known JM since I was a teenager and she was incredibly precious to me, despite truly not understanding autism, the effects of abuse etc, I wouldn’t even say that my friendship with JM was always free of problems, her husband has a violent temper and I was the victim of that for many years and wont miss it, but there was plenty of love and mutual senses of humour between me and JM, and I adored and respected her, losing JM is very grave for me, and it is another violation like Churchwarden  getting Jonathan Mortimer’s advice and trying to put me under guidelines . JM also believes that abusers are just victims themselves, I don’t sexually abuse, so its no excuse.

·         JM talking to me after Churchwarden  had talked to her, mentioned something about Churchwarden ’s workplace, as if she was telling me that Churchwarden  had said I had been going up there to pester him, Churchwarden  encouraged me to go to his work, he took me to his work even, that was where I heard him say several ‘I am always right’ s when people queried things he’d done. It was also in one of Churchwarden ’s Romeril’s warehouses, building a trolley for church, that Churchwarden  first asked me about being raped, I ran away from him and hid behind a solid object, he came after me, ‘you were raped weren’t you? Yes you were, weren’t you, come here’ Churchwarden  took me in his arms, I was very very ashamed, I couldn’t speak and I was close to tears, I couldn’t look up, I kept my head down and hid again when he let me go. Then he wanted to know if I’d had a baby and he told me that he’d heard that women felt dirty and ashamed when they’d been raped. Churchwarden  built a trolley and I stayed hiding but I raced the trolley round the empty warehouse like a skateboard when he’d finished.

Churchwarden  told Churchwarden’s wife that I’d told him I’d been raped, she was upset, I told Churchwarden’s wife that I hadn’t been whinging to Churchwarden  about my past, that Churchwarden  had been questioning me.
Why did Churchwarden  need to know that I’d been raped? Churchwarden’s wife had already said ‘no more questions’, why didn’t Churchwarden  make sure someone else was there when he questioned me? As when he tried to put guidelines on me, Churchwarden  was alone, being ‘The man’.

When I was alone with Churchwarden  at St. A’s helping with maintenance work, Churchwarden  would stop work and cuddle me, he was always talking about ‘people talking’ and ‘what will people think’, yet he wanted to cuddle me where people could turn up and did, I liked lots of cuddles, like a little child with her father, but I couldn’t cope with the ‘what will people think?’ I had no idea how to react, he was pressing the fears onto me and I didn’t know what to do. How could he blame me for everything when he was hurting me like this?

·        Churchwarden  talked about the announcements columns, about people having illegitimate babies, I agreed that it was nothing to be proud of, but judge not, you don’t know what happened, Churchwarden  laughed and said ‘oh, the girl knew what happened’, I told him what if one of those children was created by forcing but the mother decided to be proud of the child anyway. Judge not.
·         
·        Churchwarden  will probably have any ‘witnesses’ to his kind and cuddly behaviour at St. A’s briefed to support him, he is a saint there, he runs the church for the vicar, it utterly amazed me that the vicar has one church, he doesn’t bother with Saturday Prayer services, he leaves the Churchwardens to run most of the formal Sunday services, while he just gets up to do a very poor sermon in the middle, sometimes he doesn’t even do that, there is a reader, Churchwarden ’s best friend, Neville Brooks, who was with Churchwarden  when he was dismissed from (the previous church) and moved with him to St. A’s. 

‘I am leading the service’ said Churchwarden  proudly, and he does, or the other churchwarden  does. This Vicar has one church, JM has five and tries to be everywhere, truly makes herself ill trying to be everywhere, look after everyone and run everything properly. She leads the services, Yet this vicar timeserves and makes a disabled person in his congregation feel so rubbish that they leave.
·        The Vicar was on the leadership of New Wine Channel Islands and set the situation up to suit him.

·        Does this matter at all? It’s probably irrelevant and innocent, Churchwarden  was reading a dodgy email from a girl, it looked like a junk email, he was just sitting there looking at it, it was a seductive email saying she was waiting to hear back from him. Churchwarden  minimised it when I came to talk to him, later he mentioned it to Churchwarden’s wife at teatime, not the content, he said that he had been getting lots of junk email, he said to me ‘you saw one of the junk emails, didn’t you ******?’ I don’t know how frustrated Churchwarden  is, I don’t care, as long as he never hurts anyone with it.

·        Churchwarden  talked about spanking my bottom sometimes, one time he was offering to do that I told him it was wrong but that I gave him the benefit of the doubt about his thoughts about me, he didn’t say anything. He did slap my bottom gently when I was on the sofa, resting against him, and he did stroke and touch my bottom, he will just have included it in his healing touch and deny that he was doing anything wrong though.

·        I am sure that at least some of Churchwarden ’s hugs could just be innocent and loving hugs, and maybe he just wanted to help me, but he hurt me and Churchwarden’s wife hurt me and the vicar and his wife hurt me and they all walked off and left me hurting, and made out that I was the one in the wrong.

·        Any comments on belly? ‘Splatbelly’ was when I would gently slap Churchwarden ’s belly, he has a round splattable belly (I was a little girl with her daddy), Churchwarden  did ‘Biting horse’ which was pinching his hand together on my knee, this was equal to splatbelly in teasing and pain, and these two things were revenge for each other. Resting my head on Churchwarden ’s belly was what he taught me, I would lie on the sofa with my head cuddled into his belly, thumb in mouth and the rest of my hand resting on him, he also encouraged me to rest my head on his lap, he didn’t mind me resting my head close to his body on his lap, facing him, but I minded and would only rest away from him with my head facing his knees, even little girl knew that there were boundaries somewhere and that he was a man. Churchwarden’s wife was in the room and accepted or ignored this closeness so I thought it was ok. Churchwarden’s wife never cuddled up to Churchwarden  on the sofa, if they were together on the sofa, Churchwarden’s wife tended to stay the opposite end of the sofa, but that seems to be Churchwarden’s wife likes space in the evenings and she was always tired, in the mornings at breakfast Churchwarden  and Churchwarden’s wife were very cuddly and intimate in the kitchen though.

·        When I kissed Churchwarden  on the cheek when he hugged me goodbye on the way to work one day he said, ‘Are you getting fresh with your daddy?’ I was startled, Churchwarden’s wife was there in the room I don’t know if she saw the kiss, I was not getting fresh (means being naughty?), I was kissing my daddy goodbye. How could he even begin to imply that I would misbehave with him in front of his wife What did he think Churchwarden’s wife would think? Why would he make a comment like that when he knew that Churchwarden’s wife was unsettled about ‘daughter’ Why did he tend to kiss my lips or neck when Churchwarden’s wife wasn’t there? One time I kissed his cheek he said, ‘Oh I mustn’t kiss you back, it wouln’t be right’ an dhe said something about me waiting for a boyfriend, digusting man. I NEVER kissed him sexually and my kisses were not sexual, sexuality was the last thing I was thinking. I thought I’d found my daddy, a confusing, charming, distressing daddy. He seemed to almost want me to misbehave, but I couldn’t. My kisses to his cheeks were innocent and seeing as he was so tactile, if his touch me was innocent, why did he think that my kisses were not? especially as he never withdrew the touch and holding when he slammed me for kissing him, he never stopped hugging me when he accused me of ‘being in love with him’ I was the one who occasionally withdrew hugs when he was tormenting me by ‘oh the wife is upset with us hugging so much’, etc, and his kisses to my lips and neck, what was I supposed to think? And he obviously made Churchwarden’s wife think that there was a problem, Churchwarden  emotionally tortured me, I could not misbehave with him, it is like smoking and getting drunk, I cannot do it, and I was being criminalised, would you have known what to do? If you had been me, autistic, thinking God had answered your prayers for a family, behaving honourably with a very loving very confusing daddy and a mummy who didn’t want a daughter but wanted to help ‘as a good Christian’. Would you have left them or gone mad? Would you have shrugged it all off, seen better, walked away, I thought they were the wonderful Christian family I looked for, they helped me, took me over, I was theirs, but I wasn’t really ‘family’, I had to stop existing on Christmas eve, and when it was Churchwarden ’s stepmother’s party, the ironic thing is, Churchwarden ’s stepmother took his dad away and left Churchwarden ’s mother to raise four children in poverty, Churchwarden ’s mother died because she went without food in order to feed her children apparently, according to Churchwarden’s wife, but Churchwarden ’s brother arranged a nice party for the stepmum, and Churchwarden  and Churchwarden’s wife went along with their daughter in law, granddaughter etc, left me at home, I wasn’t to exist that day, I wasn’t good enough even though I would never take a man from his wife, I was non-existent, but Churchwarden’s wife talked about the party for days, how the little granddaughter had so much fun, me being only an adoptive daughter was not deserving of any good things, fun, parties, I couldn’t even exist, especially after Christmas after I had done such great wrong in walking out after Churchwarden’s wife rejected me.

·        They have the Birthday Card they gave me, I sent it back, it says precious daughter, but Churchwarden  sent me away for my birthday saying I ‘wasn’t daughter’, he said to me ‘not precious daughter now, precious person’, and this was how it was for months daughter/not daughter, and I was always not daughter with family and excluded from parties. 

·        Churchwarden’s wife wanted me to just go away, she was saying to Churchwarden  ‘maybe ****** should go on travelling, as she planned to’. Churchwarden’s wife didn’t like me having opinions, ok my opinion of not liking newsreaders playing with emotions is strong, Churchwarden’s wife knew I was autistic, the excess emotion annoyed me, but Churchwarden’s wife has strong opinions, she was raging and crying about Senator Syvret, Haute De La Garrene, all sorts of things, she ends up crying and looking like death, one day she did that about me for some unknown reason, and Churchwarden  happily said to me ‘You’ve made the wife ill!’ nothing else, no attempt to help, and  I went to Churchwarden’s wife and tried to comfort her, I certainly can’t ‘make people ill’, but Churchwarden’s wife had her hands like claws and pushed me away, I was terrified and distressed, there was no talk it through and after a day or two when I got home from work, Churchwarden’s wife rushed to greet me, hugged me and hugged me though I was distressed and afraid and wanted her to leave me alone, she had got me a big bar of chocolate that I didn’t want so I put it in Churchwarden ’s supper, Churchwarden’s wife kept talking to me and I wanted her to leave me alone, she was all nice nice nice, but Churchwarden’s wife didn’t like me and I was afraid of her. Me to blame? I just make people ill when they are kind to me? How can I live with this, even now?

·        Why why why? the above paragraph, Churchwarden  should not have brought me home to a wife who did not want a daughter, especially not a disabled one, who had nothing, it was very clear from the start that there was a division of opinions on me between Churchwarden  and Churchwarden’s wife, because they were telling me different things about my ‘place in the family’, Churchwarden’s wife said I would never be really like a daughter, and Churchwarden  was saying that I was their adoptive daughter and Churchwarden’s wife would get used to me but she didn’t and wouldn’t, she loves her stylish well off daughters in law, because its all the latest fashions, the gossip, the foreign countries, I was nothing, scruffy, quiet, not interested in oneupmanship or complaining about things. But Churchwarden’s wife wanted to be a ‘Good Christian’, which is why she tolerated me and shouted about me when I wasn’t supposed to know. They had chosen to call me daughter, and I was called daughter by Churchwarden , I was expected to call them Mummy and Daddy or mum and dad by Churchwarden , I called them Churchwarden  and Churchwarden’s wife (note I am replacing their names with churchwarden and churchwarden’s wife) if anything was wrong and got told off, Churchwarden’s wife didn’t want to be Mum, occasionally she went through phases of really trying to be Mum, ‘oh we would do all this for the boys you know’. But I was excluded from parties, I was just ‘left at home’ and Churchwarden’s wife would talk and talk about these parties, she would have excluded me from Christmas I believe, but I think Churchwarden  got his way. I could have been in England for Christmas, but I ended up alone for most of Christmas anyway, Churchwarden’s wife got her way, but I was not allowed to talk about Christmas afterwards and they didn’t apologise, even though Churchwarden  talked to Vicar’s wife about Christmas and made me sick.

·        Then I was dumped when I said Churchwarden  had been naughty, I was no longer precious daughter, these ‘good christians’ dumped me rather than take any responsibility.

·        I did react badly to things they did, said, shouted, (since reporting them)I did react to the way St. A’s Church treated me. How was I supposed to deal with it all? They were ‘helping’ me, but how could I take all the things they did, said, blamed on me? I couldn’t, and I wanted to be ‘part of the family’ Churchwarden  brought me into the family and I really really wanted to belong with these smart, intelligent, secure people, to be loved good enough and belong, but I couldn’t, smashed dreams. I got them presents at Christmas, birthdays, mothers day, fathers day, I suffered a very serious rejection from Churchwarden’s wife at mothers day and I took the cards and put them in the bin(I got her two cards, and chocolate and flowers), I tried to be ok and understand how to be, but I was always wrong and hurting. At my birthday I went to England because Churchwarden  and Churchwarden’s wife were going to their sons wedding, they threw some money at me as a birthday present and I was sad, and Churchwarden  said I wasn’t daughter and I was depressed, ill  and crying for my birthday and easter in England, especially when I opened the card that said ‘daughter’, when I got back I didn’t want to be there, Churchwarden  kept on at me ‘you’re pleased to be back, you’re pleased to be back aren’t you’, I wasn’t but Churchwarden  is a steamroller so I had to answer yes, Churchwarden’s wife was in a bad mood when I got back, they had just got back and Churchwarden’s wife was snapping but Churchwarden  said ‘she does that when she’s tired’. Not long after that there was the row on the landing ‘Why does St. A’s Church think I am a slut when Churchwarden  is the one being inappropriate, saying inappropriate things?’ End of March? 

·        I was confused about Churchwarden  crossing boundaries, Churchwarden  should have been more responsible, I wasn’t too sure about what he was doing sometimes, but I haven’t had an adoptive daddy before, especially not someone like Churchwarden , and I am told that not being looked after properly by my real dad probably meant that I didn’t have a good example set anyway so I was confused when Churchwarden  was playing games with me, it would never have been easy for me to walk away from Churchwarden  and Churchwarden’s wife, it wasn’t even in the end, I went back to them after New Wine, begged on my knees to still be daughter, no apology from their side, me taking all the blame, even up until July I couldn’t let go, though I was realising more and more that they had really really hurt me.

·        I temporarily left Saint A’s, probably in March, I was feeling so small and wounded and I had lost sight of God, I even stopped going to St. ***** or any church for a few weeks, but St.**** people actually made a fuss and made sure I went back, aren’t they amazing? My faith was low but they truly cared about me and wanted me to be ok, they have kept praying and helping me. I started going to St. A’s after New Wine, because I felt that maybe I’d been wrong, maybe they were right, because of the manipulated situation at New Wine. But St. A’s got no better for my fresh approach, and after I left Churchwarden  and Churchwarden’s wife, I went to St***** and was so overwhelmed with the quality of service there that I wrote to the vicar saying how wonderful I had found the church, I went to St. A’s a few more times, and was sad and depressed by it and by the way I was treated. I cried through the last time I was there, and I have been up there and upset their prayers on Saturday a few times by telling God about Churchwarden , sorry, I have stopped doing that. 

Churchwarden   will undoubtedly use all my furious letters in his defence, and a shredded photograph of him and me, I wrote on the back about him ‘f*****g with his daughter’s mind and body’, that was one of the photographs he sent me to England with just before christmas, ‘show your friends the pictures of you with mummy and daddy’, he really did say it, but then there was my rejection from his family at Christmas and the stepmums party, how would you cope? Being told to tell your friends about mummy and daddy, then being very deliberately excluded at family occasions and the party on Christmas eve, I was alone most of Christmas eve night, they hadn’t told me that I would be, Churchwarden’s wife made a feeble lie about they’d been running errands, they hadn’t, they’d been to a party with their son.

·        Any ‘problems I have ever had in churches before have been minor, trying to understand church when I first started going, wanting to help out with things but feeling that I was overlooked (I did help in the end), being afraid of church because of my background, seeing a respected youth and mission leader arrested for child abuse and child porn, having other well meaning couples getting too involved in ‘running my life’ – NEVER to the extent that Churchwarden  and Churchwarden’s wife have, and I was not sexually abused or completely controlled by either of these other two couples, and the amount of friends I have made in church and out of church who there are NO problems with is endless, there are millions of them, like ants, are my friends like ants? Thats a bit rude of me.

·        But I like lots of space too, because I am autistic. I prefer to live with other people rather than being alone, but I like privacy and running my own life.
·         I have a bit of a quick temper but I have to be annoyed or afraid to get cross, I tend to be very submissive and apologetic if I am told off for an error, but my temper comes out when someone keeps on at me or is being unreasonable, or if I feel trapped or unfairly blamed, people do blame me and my problems for their errors occasionally and my self esteem is very very low, attacking Churchwarden  and Churchwarden’s wife is not all self righteousness it is very very deep pain, their image is ‘Good Holy Christians’ but what they did to me is not good or holy, Churchwarden  using sexuality on me could not just have been ‘Righteous, blameless healing’, he must have been enjoying it, and he, as a Christian and a married man, should have known better, he told JM he was trying to heal my sexually based problems with sexuality or something. Churchwarden  could have helped me by contributing to my very high therapy fees if he’d cared, not told me about his sex life while I was on his knee like a child, not terrified me by pinning me down or distressed me by asking about rape, then slamming me for my distress about these things, therapists cannot punish their clients for reactions to therapy and daddies and mummies cannot do therapy on their daughter. Why did Churchwarden  need to do sexual and physical therapy, but not talk through problems in the daddy, mummy and daughter relationship, why didn’t he do church phobia therapy or mediate with Vicar and Vicar’s wife therapy, it’s as if he wanted that rift there.

·        And why didn’t Churchwarden  stop the therapy if he saw I was going downhill? Nothing stopped until I moved out and Churchwarden’s wife seemed to warn Churchwarden  off a bit. Why couldn’t they have apologised, I might be less angry, I was always apologising, boosting their ‘we’re right, you’re wrong’ attitude.
·        Churchwarden  told me that Churchwarden’s wife was traumatised by me and close to a breakdown (it didn’t seem to matter that I was traumatised by them and had had several  minor breakdowns), he said she was still traumatised by what happened at St. ***** (I don’t know any details, he told me they were wrong in dismissing him, they tell me that he was taking over pastoral care and doing things he had no right to do.), Churchwarden  said Churchwarden’s wife didn’t want me alone with him and there was a danger that she would say that he was to have no contact with me, Churchwarden  left me to deal with this, Churchwarden’s wife was being ok with me at the time, but after one more conversation like this, when I had been in tears all day and Churchwarden  callously went through a similar load of comments, I emailed Churchwarden  telling him that he had done wrong and I couldn’t take the blame any more. 

·        St. ***** still remember the upset of Churchwarden  being dismissed, I have never mentioned it to them, but they talked about it during a conflict in church discussion, It was the vicar before **** ****** who sacked him, and Churchwarden  proudly told me that he stayed on some of the committees for some time and ‘helped to choose **** ***** as vicar’, but he told me that some people were angry that he stayed on after being sacked. ******** is a gentle, kind church, but the way Churchwarden  talked about it when I was new to Jersey and loved him as Daddy, I felt I hated them and never wanted to go there, as it is, ** ****** have been a lifeline to me and I am glad I sought refuge from the Churchwarden couple and St. A’s there.

Until I was slandered and made unwelcome there as a result of reporting the churchwarden, when the Churchwarden couple and Dean and Warrens and JM liased to make me out to be something terrible. This statement was written early on and Philip said it was a nightmare to read this because it is all bitty.

·        Please don’t let the Vicar couple and the Churchwarden couple hurt anyone else, they have totally and utterly rubbished me, I was on my knees apologising because I didn’t realise that it couldn’t all be my fault, the way they made me feel rubbish, unwanted, useless. They righteously ‘pray about me’ Churchwarden’s wife told me they ‘pray about me’, but that was when they’d thrown me away, and what is the point of hurting someone that much and ‘praying it all away’, the real God just doesn’t work that way, these church leaders think they can be irresponsible and then pray away the damage they’ve done, and I feel so far from God and so much beyond prayer because of them.
·        I was invited to do a ‘plumbline course’, which is supposed to heal people with emotional problems, I went in to the course and ran out again, it was run by the people who had done the ‘signs and wonders’ at the beginning of my time at St. A’s, what they were doing was purely frightening and dangerous, I had a minor breakdown that day. In contrast I went to a taster evening run by the Bridge Pastoral Foundation, the courses offered by them were also on emotional and spiritual healing but were neither frightening nor dangerous, the courses were good solid stuff, rooted in real Christianity and run in a way that really, even in that evening brought comfort to me and distanced me from the terrors of St. A’s Church, brought me back towards the God of Love, who I have lost and grieve for.

·        God of Love and Truth come back to me, don’t let the Churchwarden couple and the Vicar couple throw this serious matter away as rubbish, label me as trouble and walk on to hurt others. I do have problems but the Churchwarden couple seem to have been able to use Your Name to leave me broken beyond hope while taking no responsibility and I can’t let them do this to others, Lord have mercy. Amen

My faith was only restored by the Catholics in the years after being made homeless, but remains shaky as I wonder why God has allowed my background, the suffering and lack of help and diagnosis, what happened in Jersey and since, and especially the past year of horrendous damage by the Diocese and Deanery war.



 

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