Tuesday, 11 March 2014

an addition to the 'lets go back' posts/anything and everything

When I arrived in Jersey, I was exhausted by Jill and George and college and life.
The Day before I set off for Jersey, Jill and George were away, but I had returned to Hampshire to see my friends and say goodbye, as I didn't know when I was going to be back.

I did some gardening for Jill and George's neighbours, Elizabeth and Richard, who I occasionally gardened for. They were trying, as people repeatedly do, even recently, to get me to live in a 'communiuty' in Dorset. And sadly claiming that 'God had brought the Idea to them'.
These evangelical uses of God injure vulnerable people, because you are trapped by the claim that God endorses something or disapproves, even when He doesn't, and Elizabeth and Richard were lovely people.

Basically, I hated Dorset, and after my experience of Pilsdon, and my upbringing, and now my experience of the Church of England! Putting me in a community, where I would feel Godded and crowded, would be a terrible experience for me and for other community members.
Now in my life, I am aware that the only thing that keeps me steady is long hours of solitude, which is a life sentence, because humans who are not psychopathic, and I am not, naturally desire company, even on the Autistic Spectrum and with attachment disorder. I am a paradox, because I actually am very happy alone, but also have the need for other people around me at least sometimes.

I am currently restructuring my life because I do not benefit from the Tuesday socials that I have gone to for years, and I also sadly decided that my attachment disorder was hurting some of my closest friends and I did not want another George and Jill situation, so I told those friends as best I could, that I needed space.

Socialization is healthy and necessary, but my situation is far from normal, because in my friendships I carry the extra burden of fear of the diocese and the wait for the day they next intervene or shame me in the press, and it means I do nor feel I can be me in a friendship but will eventaully be represented to those friends by the Diocese, as happened in Winchester and also with the release of the Korris report.
This magnifies the attachment disorder greatly and has meant I have left or ended friendships, which leaves me more wounded and unsure of myself. My self-esteem and confidence in my friendship ability is nil.
This is not to say I have kicked all my friends out.

Anyway, back to the move to Jersey.
I moved to Jersey and requested space, from everyone, for the first time in my life, I did not know or understand the 'space boundary' although now I live behind the 'space boundary' and no-one can find me, get near me or be with me.

A few weeks after moving to Jersey, after thirstily drinking the space and solitude, I made contact with my friends, those in L, first, letting SL know I was ok and giving her my phone number, then JM, and we exchanged some banter, and Anne, of course.
I didn't really feel close to people in George and Jill's village, although I wrote to Elizabeth and my friend J.

My friends in Winchester said that they would see me when they came over to Jersey, as they had family there, who I knew vaguely. But I didn't make contact with George and Jill for some time after I moved to Jersey, and once I was feeling happier and loving being in Jersey, I made contact with them.
George said they had sent me emails and I said I hadn't got anything from them. I unblocked their email but even when they said they had sent things, I never got anything from them by email, some error there.

I never really recovered from George and Jill, and it continued to be rocky, with me asking about why George had chased me and shouted at me, and getting a reply lecturing me for lack of forgiveness, apparently he though the correct reply was that when he had muttered sorry when Jill had confronted him, he was forgiven by God and thus my hurt did not matter, it is funny how the evangelicals work, because I am apparently not forgiven for my side of things and instead have been villified, stoned by the Jersey Deanery who have used the Lihous against me! My apologies and confessions are indeed useless and an insencere apology from George when confronted by Jill after he hid what he did, means he is forgiven and thus I have no right to be hurt?!

Anway, the Lihous had that opinion, and wrote to me saying so, and also sending me a boast, some chocolate from Switzerland, which melted in the post and cost me a pound that I could not afford, because Jill had not put enough postage on it.
So, in Jersey, this 'friendship' struggled on.

The Churchwarden wanted to meet the Lihous while I was 'in his care', the Lihous had come over to see the Warrens and had arranged to see me, funnily enough, the same week as my friends from Winchester were over to see their Jersey family, so it was a lovely busy week, seeing all my friends from the past.


So the churchwarden met the Lihous, and he was holding me posessively all the time we talked.
And then I went off to spend time with the Lihous, and the usual spiel of boasting started, I actually said it out loud 'Do we have to play one-upmanship?' when it came to talking about boats because we were down at the harbour, and they were going on about the churchwarden's boat and wanted to go on about Phil Warren's boat.
For goodness sake! It's a boat! It does not make a person a better person, and no, we do not sail to France!
I do not understand people who need everything to be about posessions and acheivement, one of my greatest joys was being homeless and only owning what was in my backpack and lying on the ground looking at the stars.
You can't be closer to God than relying on him for supper when you have nothing.

Anyway, so this was in Jersey, in the autumn of 2007, and I was already suffering the churchwarden's attentions, but Jill and George heard that I was coming to the mainland and wanted me to stay with them, when I had been due to stay with JM.
Note, both the Lihous and JM were still my friends and asking me to stay in the autumn of 2007.
Funny how it is turned around to me supposedly abusing them, by the Dean and his supporters, isn't it?
JM ceased to be my friend when she started actively supporting the Dean and the churchwarden couple when her husband's abuse of me was brought up and they collectively labelled me a lying troublemaker, and the Lihous friendship ended after I had yet another miserable stay with them and asked them to meet me with someone else for a conclusion, which they didn't.

And I remain publicly stoned and unforgiven, no matter how much I cry that I am sorry for my side of things, and yet, no-one else is sorry, they hide their wrongs in my reactions and are absolved.






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