Monday, 10 March 2014

lets go back 24

I did also make contact with my parents, and my sister in London. My dad was finally doing well, he had done so much computer training while he was unemployed that he got a good job at Inland Revenue, finally the family were better off and could have things, they started playing badminton and eating proper food, they had computers and phones and television and everything, my younger sister got into university and did well, my ambition to do that never materialised because I never had the money or got the funding. So after all those years, now that my parents only had a few children left and salary and tax credits coming in, the family were comfortable for the first time, I was not, and I didn’t share in their success, but at one point my Dad did lend me some money, I used to lend him money from my paper round wages when I was younger, and I let him off paying some of it back, so in a way I was repaid for that.

My brothers, in the time I was away continued to have problems, they got into drugs, crime, sharing girlfriends and tensions over that, I gather there was even a psychiatric incident or two with one or two of them, where from what my sister described, drugs or asbergers syndrome made one of my brothers do something with a railway bridge suicide attempt/consideration and think about knives or stabbing, but in all their cases they seemed to iron things out and get good jobs and be ok, though one went off with an American girl he met while she was 15, while he was with another girl and having children by her, she ended up with three children and engaged to another of my brothers who had two children and his wife divorced him over her and went to America and he suffered anxiety and depression and missed his kids but got engaged to the other brother’s former girlfriend, her sister is engaged to another of my brothers and has just had a baby, and so on.

My family may think I am mad now because trauma has pushed me over the edge and some of them have made things worse, but none of them are perfect, and I tried so hard to follow my parents’ Christian teachings and be moral and honest and hard working, but here I am a criminal, while my family have none of them been in prison as far as I know, and they have been into drugs, crime and allsorts, they are not bothered about speeding like I was, and none of them have been bothered about morality all that much, I almost wish I had stayed in the ghetto and had a number of illegitimate children and never bothered with work or church, at least then I would not be being battered by the police and living in fear on Behalf of the Bishop of Winchester for the crime of being driven out of my mind with trauma at being abused when I was like a little child in his church.
And at least I would have been loved, if only by the illegitimate kids.

My siblings are not sleeping rough, outcast and shunned by huge numbers of people informed by the church about me. I alone am condemned. I am shamed, in front of my family who were not ashamed of the way they used to be, they have moved on and done well, but my attempts to move on and become a better person have failed and instead I am an utterly destroyed and condemned person.

Back to the story:
My Kleeneze work was a disaster, I did not have the customer service or telephone or paperwork skills to run a successful Kleeneze business, and along with struggling with bills and loans and credit cards that were a bad idea and trying to look after myself and a two bedroomed house, I ended up in debt.
The hypochondriac couple encouraged me to get credit cards and loans, I was silly enough to be influenced by that.

I was also down and demoralized by people who refused to return catalogues, told me they had thrown them away, called me names, ripped my catalogues up and ordered things and then changed their mind, leaving me with the bill and unsold products. I was just not strong enough for all this.

The diocese made JM a ‘vocations adviser’ for women thinking of becoming clergy, this meant she had women shadowing her if they were considering the ministry, I hoped it meant extra salary for her as she and I had talked about Salary once and hers sounded quite low for her level of work and she said it was.
 Then she also gained a curate, a male one, he was Steve D, Alison D’s husband, and he was a bit scary to me because he was too quick and jumpy in his movements and he reminded me of someone bad from when I was younger and so I was very anxious when he was around, JM made this worse by whatever she told him about me, and she also without telling me or explaining stopped me from accompanying her on various things I used to go and help her with, such as the Old people’s home service, because she was taking him with her instead, it would have helped if she could have actually talked to me, but instead she left me displaced and anxious, so I was not comfortable around her curate.

 I knew Alison D, his wife from her curacy at St. B's as some of the church folk used to take me there sometimes to coffee morning and Alison talked to me sometimes and gave me a toy bunny once.

Whenever I mentioned St. B's and my visits there to M and S, M. would start muttering about ‘the idiot/weirdo with the goatee’ who was Terry R, the vicar at the time, I have no idea what he had done to upset M, but how am I supposed to be respecting Clergy when my role models don’t, haha. Alison started coming to L. church while Steve was curate, she came to the peace and healing service and had retired from ministry due to a horrible problem she had with head and neck, and I sympathised and prayed for her as my head/neck pain made me very ill sometimes.

Steve D. eventually graduated to Norfolk to be a vicar later in this story, and lived very near where my Brother was at the time, though my Brother has moved further along the coast now, so when I told JM I was having a rare trip to Norfolk, she thought I was going to see Steve, I said I was going to see my brother and I would pop by and say hi to Steve if she wanted and if I had time, which of course I did not, but she phoned him up and said ‘guess what, ****** may be popping in to see you!’

I was embarrassed and sure that even though in the end I got on ok with Steve, going to see him didn’t quite fit. Because after the Christmas where me and Steve sorted out our differences, JM tried to make out I fancied him, I did have respect for him after he represented Jesus’ compassion that Christmas, but I did not fancy him, and JM wound my autistic brain up frequently by making out I fancied people, she did this with M. too, causing me and possibly him and the hypochondriac couple some problems as I tried to explain that JM thought I fancied Mike, trying to explain through my autism that my vicar who was my role model/adoptive mum told me that I fancied people such as M, trying to explain this to other people, and the same with the curate, it did not come out right and I realised I shouldn’t even be trying to explain such things.

So, I stumped JM by turning round to her after one of her private and giggling conversations with Clive and saying ‘you fancy Clive don’t you?’ and then the same with her and R, and I gather from her reaction to what I said about her and Clive that she may even have fancied him, she also said something about a dashing high ranking army man in S and how gorgeous he was, and she told me of the wedding where she told the groom that he won the prize of ‘The groom that the vicar most wants to take home’, so she shouldn’t have been embarrassing me with her games as I didn’t fancy M, I respected him, and I certainly didn’t fancy her curate and I was too young mentally and emotionally to play the fancying game. and as a priest she should have both behaved more respectably and not tried to involve me in games I was too immature to comprehend or cope with and which embarrassed me and my friends.

The ten or more years that I knew JM, she misrepresented me and embarrassed me so much, labelling me and giving people an incorrect opinion of me, and it has contributed to my lack of self-esteem and how very worthless I feel, JM was a big influence in my life and has affected me profoundly.

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