I returned to work after a few months of doing very little and staying at home studying my many correspondence courses including agriculture and counselling, the problem with correspondence courses was that I couldn’t always afford the postage and so I shouldn’t really have been doing the courses, but I was desperate to make up for the deficits in my education and desperate to do better in life than labouring with a team of uneducated and sexist men, apart from that I was hurting or going to MIND and L, and when I returned to work it was to the news that the project had lost its funding and were going to have to drastically restructure in a vain hope of surviving, they were turning it into a kind of very basic skills college and making the team into basic level Horticultural trainees, and were going to have to let some of the team leave.
I looked at the team, much as they had hurt
me I knew some of them needed the supportive environment that was doing
nothing for me but damage, I stood up, feeling very unreal and wondering
what on earth my future was I said, 'I am resigning, what you are
restructuring into is not suitable for me and these guys need to be
here, I don’t'.
Having said that I walked out, to complete silence, and
stood by the gatepost where I used to wait for my employment officer,
and then got on my bike and drove away. I did not know at the time that
my time there had psychologically damaged me very badly and made me
swear and say bad things much too readily which shocked the
hypochondriac couple, especially when I told them the dirty things that
were said at work, I shouldn’t have done, I was being childlike and
childish, but the fact that they always wanted to know and laughed and
seemed to find the things funny encouraged me. I recall the place with
horror and also relief that I did walk out. Several times since then I
saw one of the supervisors and he offered to give me a reference if I
ever needed it, and several times I saw the happy sex offender and he
told me of his happy life with his new wife.
(I am glad he became an honest man, but his boast about his sex offences horrified me).
As far as I know, the restructure never came to much.
I bought my
landlord’s old car from him for £200, insured it cheaply with Tesco and
learned to drive, with his help, I drove round and round town with my landlord
snoozing in the passenger seat, sometimes he woke and told me stories,
one was about when he was on a tropical island with some other men and
some native girls, the girls ran naked into the water and the men were
going to follow but one of the girls shouted out ‘no, you dingle-dangle,
barracuda he whoof!’ which was kind of funny, he told me a ruder one
than that and I won’t repeat it, but really he was well-behaved and just
liked company and something to do.
I passed my test, JM did help in the build up to the
test by also coming out with me and also arranging two pre-test lessons
with a good instructor. I think if I had not had my own car and learned
it inside out and been so used to actually driving it and not being
instructed all the time, I would not have had the confidence to pass the
test. My first Car was a red Peugeot 205, it was the car I had always
wanted, my second car was an Austin Metro that was faulty from the start
and lasted a few months, the third car was a Peugeot 106 that the
Hypochondriac couple helped me to get finance for, which eventually left
me in huge money problems, that car lasted all the way to my second
year in Jersey where I crashed when under horrific stress from the abuse
and the after-effects of being slandered and shunned in the island and brutalized by police, and the Rover Metro that followed ended up
beyond repair when the church hounded me into a breakdown and from my
home last year. (This was written in 2011).
Back to the story: I was now free
completely of the supported employment schemes, I still had freelance
gardening both in my town and more than a weekendfull in the L.
Benefice and my friend’s garden in Winchester as she had just had a
major operation, and I wondered if I could build on this and make a
business, of it, I also had work for JM’s niece, I will explain that in a
So here I was with some work but not a full time job, JM
asked me if I wanted to clean for S. school, I said yes, she
arranged the job for me, I had to do an enhanced CRB check and not
knowing what it entailed I was worried that it would show up all my
family’s crazy activities including when they made me talk to the
police, but it showed nothing, I had a clean record.
Just before I
left my bedsit, I had fallen out with my parents, I had kept in touch with
them and been to see them sometimes even though JM said it had a bad
effect on me, but anyway I was on the phone to my dad and he was going
on about spirits and things and I had never been able to completely
escape this spirits and demons thing, but I decided I couldn’t cope with
it and told him I didn’t believe him, and he got upset, he told me that
the church were brainwashing me and that I should go near them, and I
told him they were not and that he had brainwashed me, anyway, we had a
row, fell out, and I was alone without anyone to keep me safe from
wicked spirits for some time. But it was at this time I started watching
‘Buffy the Vampire slayer’ and stopped being scared of the dark and the
‘spirits’ hiding in it’ for the first time, my sleeptime anxiety eased.