lets go back 31 2006

Jill continued to get me to talk, even though I did not know it was too much emotional strain on her, but they were ‘the adults’ and I was the problem child, so I responded as best as I could to Jill.
Jill worried and fussed about my depression, she went with me to the doctor and spoke for me, telling them of a medicine that someone thought would work, but which was dangerous for a suicidal person to have, so they rarely prescribed it any more, this was a whackingly strong drug compared to what I had had so far, and as a result my short term memory started having blips, Jill told the doctors that she was a retired nurse and would secure and administer the drug herself, in order to keep me safe.

 Sadly later as my relationship with Jill and George broke down, they told me that Jill had got ill from having to look after my drugs in case I commited suicide. Sadly the drug didn’t help anyway and made me ill and Jill was not keeping an eye on the side effects and I was the one who withdrew the drug after months of its effects on me, I had massive black patches of depression while on it, the worst I have ever had, and my memory became rubbish as well. I also ended up in hospital from the drug, I will explain that later.

I had continued to do delivery driving for the takeaway in my old town, though this was part time and I could not claim benefits while doing this, though my income from driving was low, I couldn’t go all the way to the town every night to work as it was too far, and so I was doing three nights and finding it a trial anyway, the long treacherous road  was too much, and the drive back late at night was the worst bit, the petrol it used was also too much, and I was by now only doing a small amount of freelance work due to customers divorcing, moving and dying, and me being pretty ill with depression.

One evening on the way back I stopped at the village takeaway for something, and they offered me a delivery job, so I gave up the longer journey, but sadly the new job was not brilliant, the Turkish takeaway owners had all sorts of strange men coming into the back of the shop where I waited for deliveries, I was intimidated, and the bosses also wanted me to break speed limits to get the deliveries out as I drove carefully, the Takeaway in my old town had had a firm anti-speeding policy, and it was against my ethics to speed, and especially after the tragedy with Laura, I was not speeding for a takeaway, and as I was too quiet in the shop and too uncomfortable with speeding, I resigned, now all I had was casual freelance work and a feeling of hopelessness.

My old job at the big house also got passed from one unsuitable hopeful to another, so at least I knew it wasn’t just me, that is not to say I was not ashamed and demoralized by the loss, and I was also furious that Jill and George kept in contact with my old boss there, without my permission and behind my back, wounding my pride and taking my much valued privacy and dignity, this was one of the bigger bones of contention between us, but I was the one who got slated for complaining about it, and it is never mentioned by the Channel Islanders who have used Jill and George against me to absolve the Dean, nor are the other wrongs done to me.

So now I was a Jill and George brand of me I started going to their church more often, so what I tended to do was go to a mixture of their church and L. Benefice services, their church in the morning and L. in the evening for example, it worked, and I became fond of their church, very much so, I wish I could go back, but it would break my heart beyond anything if I did, I do not think I would cope with the grief, even going to see my friend in that town makes my cry and hurt so much.

(remember this was written in 2011, I have no feelings for the Church of England or anyone oin it any more)

I first met my friend J. in the gardening club, though she was a member of the church, a bright, joyful, cheerful lady who adored God, J. has been an inspiration to me over the past 6 years, J needed help in her huge rambling garden, her hens and chickens helped by digging out the wrong plants and causing merry chaos, and her dog Jay was the most adorable sweet natured dog, a dog so like his owner, J. brought instant calm to my life as she got me helping with her veg plot, and that was where I was one day when the college in Dorset rang to offer me a place on their Agricultural course, at the same time I was offered a job on a gardening team in Berkshire.

 Weighing it up I was concerned I wouldn’t be able to work at commercial speed in the mess I was in, and I had dreamed of returning to Agriculture since leaving the old college, so I accepted the college place, wondering how an earth I would fund myself, and deciding that by hook or by crook I would! J was the first to hear of my acceptance by the college and she was delighted, J. is such a joyful person, with such a faith in God, her prayers and teaching and support have been invaluable to me, and now the only thing between us is distance, heartache and my fear of Jane Fisher’s interference.

I went to the college for interviews and those went well, and unlike at the old college, I knew and declared special needs in my registration, and returned to Hampshire to excitedly wait the start of the course, to return to what I had abandoned at the old college and to achieve greater, I thought maybe this was the good that came out of all the sadness and bad of losing my tied cottage job.

George and Jill’s friend Paul became my friend and involved himself in my finances because he used to be an accountant and Jill and George asked him to help me, I also gardened for him, but by that time I was very slow, my heart must have been struggling without me knowing it by then, due to the meds, I remember finding it inordinately hard to barrow stones down the hill, Paul was a bit serious and solemn, he had a big house and garden and played golf, but he had had breakdowns from depression and nerves in the past and had had to retire as a result, and his wife was not a Christian and this seemed to cause Paul great problems, his wife was also a jealous woman and I gather she became jealous and upset at Paul’s involvement in my life, but that was during my time at college so I will finish explaining later.

Jill and George went to Jersey to babysit their grandchildren while the parents were away at a conference, the parents were Jill and George’s daughter and her husband, the Warrens, who run St Lawrence and St. Matthews in Jersey, I had instructions to phone them in Jersey if I had the slightest query, and I did have some query at one point, so I phoned and it was the priest son in law who answered, he was Phil Warren, who later involved himself in the problems I had in Jersey and used his parents-in-law's side of things against me.

The saddest and most difficult part of my relationship with Jill and George was something they did regularly and my reaction to it. They boasted, I am sorry to put it so bluntly, and though they denied it, they boasted. All day, every day, indoors, outdoors, even George's 'sermons' were a large percentage of boasting and a small percentage relevant or teaching.

From the first housegroup at their house I met with their boasting, and did not know how to cope, I was insecure, felt small, felt ashamed at my lack of background and experience and home and education and everything else, I lacked all the things that most people take for granted, and here I was with this wealthy, extremely lucky, gifted and blessed family, and the wealth, gifts, education, privileges and blessings were flaunted, spoken about non-stop, flung in my face, and sadly Jill and George would not accept my gentle and tactful requests to talk about other things, they did not understand when I needed a break from such conversations, and when I was with them if anyone joined us they would carry on like this, even to a total stranger who came to church for the first time, I escaped to J’s often, and listened to her talk about God and gardening and Jay and Freddie and the chickens and the wildlife, J was refreshing and her son was a nice man, he lived over the road from her, J prayed for me and George and Jill, she prayed for peace for us, but we never found peace.