This morning I went to church as usual, years of of suffering in the church of england means I still don't look forward to Sundays, but I love my church and I love my churchpeople.
well there was a muddle this morning because the couple due to do tea and coffee after the service were off sick, and nothing had been arranged, so a few church people were in a worried huddle, as no-one had even brought milk, so I wandered over and volunteered, so one of the others also volunteered and I went to get the milk.
so after the service we proceeded happily with tea and coffee.
This is my church, who know I am a real valid person, unlike the Diocese of Winchester and their awful prejudiced and abusive churches, where I learned that God was a chore and wealth was what validated you and that being abused made you a criminal to be shunned and branded forever.
During coffee, more people came to ask me where my sponsorship form for this year's Great Walk, I laughed and told them it hasn't even come through yet.
Isn't it lovely to know that I will be sponsored? I still get worried, because I can imagine how condescending and grudging the church of england would have been about 'sponsoring a cripple, sponsoring an invalidated person', how I was stupid enough, or vulnerable enough to remain in the church of england and be worn down for as long as I was, I do not know.
We are fast approaching the anniversary of my release from prison and into homelessness and destitution on the streets of Winchester with Jane Fisher harrassing me mercilessly, blackening my name and driving me from any help and leaving me publicly shamed and humiliated. This time three years ago I was in prison.
I will never truly recover, because such a thing, and everything around it will affect me for life, and sometimes it will make me want to die, but now, through my church I know true Christian love, and that soothes my wounds.
My problem is that I am in terror of the diocese and police once again ripping my life from me, it is high stakes now that I have, with help of a loving church, rebuilt my mind and life as best I can.
My former counsellor from my early twenties, who I am still in touch with, told me that anniversaries of traumas can, even subconsciously cause depressions and traumatic shock, and she is right, last year at this time, on the day of the first arrest and brutality, I went into shock, and in the past week, shock, tension and depression knocked me for a six, and though I had to stop daily pastoral care, I pulled through because of the love of my church and my carers.
I remain in fear of the church of england and whatever they are going to do to me.
Friday is the anniversary of my release and the start of homelessness, I will ask my pastoral helpers to do something like pray with me that day.
Because it is not just an anniversary of my release that day, that day is the start of a very very busy weekend indeed, and I do not want it wrecked by shock, depression or the Diocese of Winchester and their police.