Saturday, 18 January 2014

Writing Hour

My life is going through transitions again, so I wonder if I should try to commit to writing on here for an hour or so per day.
I will return to Jersey in the next post, although it does trigger flashbacks.

On the subject of flashbacks, when I was younger I did not know what they were, and I still had flashbacks to when I was 12 years old and experiencing extreme violence.
One of my worst flashbacks before the Jersey and police brutaliy ones was a flashback to 12 years old. The time I had a breakdown that has affected my emotional and mental growth, leaving me childlike and always anxious.
I remember my mother saying that my brother was dead, that he had been killed.
 At the time my Dad and other older brother were out at work, there was just Mum, my sister a year older than me, and the younger children. The brother in question had been chased away by a gang, and my Mum said they had caught him and killed him.
This, for me, was the end of the world, because we had always been 'protected' by 'God', and the fact anyone could break through this illusion of protection that my parents created was unbelievable, as was my Mum saying my brother was dead.

My Mum told me that the gang was going to kill her, and there was no way of refuting this as they continued to hurl a barrage of bricks and stones at the house, some of the windows were boarded up and the rest were shattered, and the gang hurled themselves at the door, trying to break it down.
My mum told us children to go upstairs, she said she didn't want us to see her get killed, although I have no idea how we would have been any safer upstairs if she had been.
But anyway, my siblings went upstairs. 
I didn't.
I couldn't.

(I go against 'normal psychology' according to my psychology teacher of last year, before the diocese wrecked my life last year, I was at college, and we were taught that normal psychology is to turn away, and I do not, which is strange because I am autistic, but I do not leave someone on the ground if they fall, and I do not turn away from dangerous situations, like in Jersey when me and my friend intervened in an argument where a man was beating his girlfriend. My friend called me a vigilante ever after and took me to see 'Kickass' at the cinema, because she said it was my type of film)

Anyway, aged 12, I picked up one of the tree branches that we used as weapons, and I stayed with my Mum no matter what she said, I waited with her as they broke down the door.

We were lucky in a way, a lone police officer arrived in a car, but refused to radio for help, but the gang retreated, they had no real fear of the police, because all the police could do was add to their CV's.

But my Mum was hysterical, she kept telling him to radio for backup, I asked him to get my dad but my Mum told me not to say where Dad was, as she had no trust for the police at all, then she told me to go upstairs as she was going to kill the policeman, now my Mum is and was seriously mentally ill and I knew she could not kill the policeman, but I was terrified, it all got too much for me and that is when I broke down.

When I came round from the initial collapse, my Dad was back, and my brother wasn't dead, another policeman had rescued him from the gang, I always remember that police officer's Name, Jim Mulligan. 
And my other older brother was home, the policeman wasn't dead, no-one was.
I didn't fully recover, and never received the medical attention I needed, we were briefly granted police protection, then the violence we faced continued on the same scale and worse for a year. I never really recovered and have become the damaged person I am as a result of that time as well as the fraught years leading up to that and the continued unsettled times after that and before I left my family.

So it is true that I arrived in Jersey still damaged and without having recieved as much therapy as I needed, as the NHS is very lacking in provision for such things and no doctor had ever queried my background, despite me only seeing a doctor when I left home and with a whole record of childhood immunizations and illnesses missing and me obviously distressed. No doctor ever looked into what was troubling me, until I was homeless after Jersey, and even then they could do nothing to help.
So, even in Jersey I remember having flashbacks, and going to the church to tell them I was having flashbacks.

I wonder, why the church think this is my fault and a crime?

Peter Ould who has the time to jeer me and my blogs and say my testimony is worth nothing because he considers me to be insane, despite the fact he has undoubtedly never suffered or been abused or in poverty, would he have survived this? and would he have survived everything I have in the church of England and then had people like himself launch on me in agreement with the hate campaign against me and pronounce my testimony worthless as I was all of a sudden launched on by diocese, police and deanery and thrown off balance and traumatized and having to defend myself?! I may come accross as unusual and unstable, but I have been through every hell and not been allowed to develop into a normal person, and being abused and ground down by the church of england, even up to now with the diocese still being a pain, I cannot maintain stability, because I am raw. I am not mad, and I am truthful. 

I know what insanity looks like, it looks like what My mother used to say and do, to do with death, and I grew up with it, and my sister's suicidal tendencies as a result, and it has affected me, but I am not insane, assessements have shown I am traumatized but not seriously mentally ill, I am just broken and frightened and trying to live as each huge wave of damage washes over me and drives me further from the shore. It has always been a downhill spiral as I got abused and ground down by the church of england while unable to access the help that I founght for even from the time I left my family.

Most people say that Peter Ould and his jeers, and the comments of outsiders on the whole matter are irrelevant because they do not know me, but actually, Peter Ould is responsible, he has a duty of care as a priest, even though in the church of england such things are taken with a pinch of salt, he has vulnerable people in his church, and judging and condemning them, even if he does know them, is wrong in every way and he needs to learn about proper pastoral behaviour. So why, if he has not lived through what I have, if he has not experienced what has left me disturbed and hard to relate to and struggling to relate to others, why is he condemning me to the world while he claims to be ordained for Christ?

I know he vets all my posts personally :) little stalker that he is, to tell everyone I blog about anything and everything, so no doubt he will do a critique about me blogging about anything and everything here, but actually, I am blogging about two things, trauma and flashbacks - my experiences aged 12 and Peter Ould and his badly behaved associates both cause me trauma, just different kinds of trauma.
I guess a point I am trying to make about Ould is, he is yet another example of the church of england judging me and publicly condemning me without fair trial, without my side being heard, and while he has got the other side of the story from wrongdoers who have done wrong and defend themselves by maligning me.
That is pretty much the same as the advocate 'representing' me in Jersey telling me I had done wrong and my side of things was irrelevant, and the same as Jane Fisher and the Bishop omitting what they had done to provoke me when I was on trial in sussex, and claiming they had only helped me when they had harmed me isolated me and left me cut off from friends and homeless services.

The Church of England, 'called to help the lost, the last and the least', have done everything they can against God in destroying me, from lying, judging and covering up, to leaving me permenantly destroyed and publicly jeered and humiliated.
It does not change the fact that my unheard testimonies are truthful and that I have been abused and that my actions and reactions are because I am seriously damaged, not seriously mentally ill, and condemning and blotting out my testimony will not change it, but will only make those in the church wrong in God's eyes.

being launched on while homeless, traumatized and autistic, what does Ould expect but incoherent anger and grief? would he be any better in my position? No, but he judges from a position of wealth and status, not from a position of someone who has suffered and understands, hus he is not a just judge, nor qualified, nor asked, to judge. so the Great Judge of All will send him to the furnace for adding to my wounds.
Psalm 69, as always.

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