Monday, 20 January 2014

email from JM after her conversations with the churchwarden in Jersey

This email below is interesting, it is from JM, before she continued to be involved with the Churchwarden and the Dean. Interestingly enough, these initial reactions from her were similar to when I first told her about her husband abusing me 7 years earlier, her initial reaction then was to tell me that his daughter had also made allegations and that the reason he was impotent was because she had taken to refusing him sex because of his violent temper, then she went into denial and blamed me, just as she did with the Jersey situation as she and the Dean and the Churchwarden couple joined forces, and called me wicked, a malicious troublemaker and a serial liar who made allegations when I didn't get what I wanted.
Just to add, the only reason I was not sure about continuing a complaint was that I was really unwell with stress and depression and trauma from what had happened, and both JM and the Dean were pushing how upset and misunderstood the churchwarden couple were.

21/08/08

Dear ******,
I am perfectly clear about what you were seeking with R & J, I know that adult sex was the last thing on your mind. I am sure that you did repeatedly tell **** when he was off limits. I alos know that he told me that he thought that your problems were of a sexual nature and that by talking to you about your early sexual experiences he could help you through it – that is dreadful and it runs the risk of repeating any original abuse, I cannot prove what you say about his intent, (although I do not disbelieve you,  but it does cast some serious concerns about his behaviour and intent – at the very least it was na├»ve, inappropriate and stupid.
Where I think you lack understanding is about the nature of men.
When you want to be cuddled and suck your thumb you want to be, and in your mind are, a very young child. The man on the other hand is holding the body of a young woman – it is more than likely that he will be sexually aroused by the experience. In the case of an evangelical Christian like ****, who should have a clear underatnding of where the boundaries come,  it would be an easy step to justify continuing, or even increasing such activity because it seemed to be helping you, and that it was all part of ‘loving’ you into being healed.
For you there is a clear distinction between the kind of contact you want and the sort that **** was drifting towards.
Do you remember a few years ago there was outrage when a judge convicting a man of sexual abuse of a twelve year old girl said that the girl herself was ‘no angel’. I think the judge did not understand that abused children often relate to men in a seductive way, it is not deliberate or conscious, but it is the way they have learned to achieve ‘love’ and approval. I believe that your adoration of ****, which was in itself entirely innocent, gave him a huge ego boost, it made him feel good, and it also gave him power over you – sorting your life and finances out etc. That cocktail is very seductive, and under those circumstances your refusal of sexual intimacy but wanting to continue the physical intimacy could be seen as being a tease. I suspect that ***** was more aware and detached than ****, and saw you as dangerous and divisive – I am also fairly sure that **** would not have taken her warnings seriously.
**** should have known better, you have always made it clear that you are not ready for an adult sexual relationship, and he was not in a position to offer such a relationship even if you had wanted it. The very idea that breaking through any sexual barriers you have would cure you of all your problems is wildly over simplistic and dangerous.
If you think about the relationships you have which have been, and continue to be, very good they are often where you relate well to both husband and wife – (8 names redacted) etc, none of those men would try to enter into a ‘Daddy –daughter’ relationship with you in the way that ****did because they don’t have need to. Whether **** needs to be a saviour – the one who could cure ***** of all her problems, or whether he simply got a kick out of a physical relationship based on need and dependency, I don’t know.

At the end  the day, I think that you are right to see that ‘regressing’ with **** was unhelpful – regression can be OK if it is done as part of therapy in a situation of safety with clear boundaries and with someone who knows what they are doing, it is not something amateurs should attempt.
I know that you need to be a child sometimes, but you are also a bright, funny, assertive, lovely and very appealing young woman too, I continue to pray and hope, that you will find a way to inhabit your adult self with greater comfort and ease.

I think one of the things that most worries me is that you tend to veer towards total condemnation, and while your comments about **** have wavered between condemnation, and the hurt and pain of so much wounded hope and lost love, you also seem to feel that you have done awful things and are therefore an awful person. I would want to put this one into the category of a mistake, from which you have learned and will continue to learn. You were sucked into a delusion, a promise which could not be met, and it is hardly surprising that you have responded with anger and the desire to hurt the person who built your hopes so high only to smash them down, but even now you are saying that you feel you could drop the complaint. I think, whatever happens, you will have achieved what you needed to do, to ensure that **** realizes that he must never do this to anyone else.  
If **** tries defamation of character against you he will find himself really up against me, he should think himself lucky to have simply had his fingers burned, and learn a little wisdom from the experience.
I hope this makes sense to you. I don’t find it easy to think in black and white terms, the world is much more grey and complicated than that.
I love you lots and am thinking of you and praying for you.
****** 
Revd ****** ********

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