Does all this make you conclude that I hate the church? I don't, otherwise I wouldn't try to worship each week. I hate the church's policies and actions and the discrepancy between the way Jesus was and the way the church are, in the case of abuse and the church reaction there is no sign of Christianity, and 'we are all human' is not an adequate excuse.
Am I obsessed with this matter? I don't know, I do know that the way that the church have treated me continues to affect me badly, I am crippled by it, I am traumatised by it, and the repercussions are endless, if I go on living I will be affected for the rest of my life, and I am extremely vulnerable on the streets with the bad record that the church gave me, but I cannot leave the streets for the same reasons.
All I have to do in my life is try to share my story and help other solitary survivors know that they are not alone as I try to write what I cannot verbalise and can hardly write, the church were able to use my lack of verbalisation against me as they accused and damaged me and brought false charges against me and tried to make me out to be mad.
Basically as well as being unable to verbalise all this I am at a disadvantage when it comes to representation because no one actually dares to take on the church and their disclaimers and lawyers and press departments, the church are power heavy, which is crazy considering that they originate from belief and following of Jesus, who never ever instructed or set an example of unjust wealthy power heavy priests and organizations. I hope that makes sense.
Every day my day starts with anxiety and bad memories, and if I wake in the night it is the same, I dream of the brutality of the police who the church set on me, the injustice and the lockings up and being unable to defend myself.
I live in fear of being involved in any of the violence and crime that my fellow homeless are soemtimes involved in, or being sexually assaulted or suffering anything, because I don't want to have to go to the police or have the police looking up the lies of the church on record and being brutal and unfair to me if I am unwittingly caught up in an incident.
That incident the other week was a very frightening one, to be accused of something and assaulted, I really and truly thought that I was going to be brutalised and locked up, but it wasn't the church wrongly accusing me and there was no proof (because I hadn't done anything) and the thug who 'tried to do a citizens arrest' was known to the police and had commited assault by his actions, so to my amazement it all turned out right but it shocked me deeply. I will never feel safe again.
I will never be able to work again, and I do not know if I will ever live indoors again, I am sure that my lifespan is reduced because of my lifestyle and I am relieved about that, I have no real reason to live apart from sharing my story. The damage by the church, especially by their lies, is too severe, and no amount of counselling or medicine will change that.