Friday, 31 January 2014

Written 29/12/2011 in 'Homeless' and titled 'Psychology' remember, in 'Homeless' I omitted all names

For so long now and especially in the times when I have nowhere to go and nothing to do, the memories of how the church have battered my name and reputation to defend thier own has been overwhelming me and making me feel so small, so useless, the flashbacks to the way the police treated me are always there and intermingled with the things that the church have said.
But why, why is an organization like the church allowed to let individuals, mainly with dog collars or close to people with dog collars gang up and condemn an abuse survivor so utterly and not be held accountable for their own actions that leave that survivor suffering in hell?!

I have made a doctor's appointment and I want a psychological asessment by hook or by crook, I want to know how old I am mentally, what the regression and the subsequent actions have actually done to me, and I want to know what else may be wrong, I have never been opposed to having help but it has always been an impossible fight to get it and the added contempt of what the Bishop said about me in a court statement was that 'it is all my problems and nothing to do with the church and he 'hopes I get the help I need'', what he said is an outright lie and would be enough to make me never seek help, but as you know, I still go to church, condemned and despairing, I still go, and there is no way the Bishop can make me responsible for two men in his employ and on his property who had both been accused previously, who both abused me, the second of whom regressed me to childlikeness and left me that way out of control and back in my own hellish childhood while he messed with me and was rebuffed and then denied any responsibility and was backed up by the island churches and clergy for years while the diocese refused to help me and beat me down with criticism and what they heard, one sided stories from (JM) who they allowed to be involved in the island matter and allowed her and the abuser in the island and his supporters to work together.
My fault?
Well, no, but who hears me when the bigger voice of the church and Bishop have all the say and I have none?!
My fault that on my return from the island to England the church continued to intervene and seriously harm me and I was unable to seek any help or get anyone to withdraw them, and my anger, trauma and pain in return caused the church to have me arrested again?!
How can it be?
And Yet I am the one who is left vulnerable to the filthy record the church have given me and there is no one to change that and no way that I can ever rebuild my life like this, even if I was fit to work I will never be able to get a job, never be able to explain to an employer, never be able to get back to living indoors because of the vulnerability I would feel and the terror and distress and the impossibility of the processes or costs to get indoors, and what would be the point, I survive by staying outdoors, indoors is where I was when I was employed and not a criminal and could study and go to places and live, while I can no longer do those things and have been so invalidated I have no use for indoors and the increased flashbacks and distress and vulnerability it brings.

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