Friday, 31 January 2014

from 'Homeless' written on 09/01/2012 but originally written in the journal in 2011, the purpose of these writings were for me to try to understand and rebuild myself

Do I consider all this writing to be:
  • Self-indulgent?
  • naval gazing?
  • Selfish?
Yes. But that is not all it is. It is written in order to tell my side, explain me, and hopefully to help other people who are suffering to know that they are not alone.

I cannot comletely cure myself. I am one solitary autistic person, and autism literally means 'self-ism', trapped in one's own self, and despite that, clumsily, I try to reach out and help others, ever more tentatively.

Despite being condemned forever as the Bad Person by the church, I;

  • Help push cars that break down
  • return wallets and valuables that I find to the police or the owners
  • help people up when they fall
  • help carry heavy loads
  • avoid begging or asking for help
  • offer to help if someone is upset
  • and do anything I can to help despite not being able to be a volunteer any more.
These are problems that I associate with my mixture of trauma and Autistic Spectrum:

  • Touch sensitivity
  • Noise sensitivity
  • Heat sensitivity
  • disphasia
  • frustration, irritability and low mood
  • inability to cope with relationship problems
  • Incomprehension of situations and explanations
  • need for large amounts of solitude and freedom
  • need for 'adult' help
  • Anxiety
  • motor problems  (always makes me think I have a motor that doesn't work)
  • need for structure and routine
  • communication and speech problems
  • easily overloaded with stress
  • claustrophobia
  • eating problems
  • depression
  • flashbacks and inability to escape from bad things in the past
  • need for things to be correct
  • negativity
An exhaustive list?

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