Saturday, 1 February 2014

from 'Homeless' originally from statements about the churchwarden and his wife, written on 'Homeless' on 25/11/2011

(01/02/2014, I referred to the churchwarden's wife as mummy and the churchwarden as Daddy in this post, which is what the Churchwarden used to want me to call them at home, note, the letters I wrote to the Vicar and his wife were not threatening as the Deanery appear to have claimed, but were in horrified and outraged response to the way they were treating me, especially refusing to speak to me after I told them I knew they hed lied to me, while in the meantime they were discussing me in a hurtful way with the churchwarden who was hurting me and getting a reaction and explaining it away in his conversations to them)

Mummy always went to bed first, at about 9pm she would get up, run a bath, bathe and then go to bed. This is when he started getting closer to me, and he took to taking me on his lap, cuddling me close, I liked being daddy’s little girl and being fussed, but I didn’t like his hands wandering, as they did sometimes, and I made that clear, but I excused him, I couldn’t believe he would do anything he shouldn’t, after all, I was his little girl, his daughter, and he told me that he was healing me and ‘I will restore the lost years says The Lord’. (The man at the Autism service said that the way mummy went off to bed was typical of someone who wanted to shut out what was happening).
 He kissed my lips on a few occasions and I was not happy with that, but when I kissed his cheek a few times when he was cuddling and fussing me and I was overwhelmed with love, he tormented me by saying things implying that I fancied him, anyway, things progressed with him behaving mildly inappropriately at the same time as being an affectionate daddy and encouraging me to be childlike and dependent, I will now add a list that I once wrote and have just found, it may be a bit premature as I have not explained everything yet, but I will add it nonetheless. It summarizes some things that I have started talking about.

Adoptive dad  sexual misconduct:
·          Kissing my lips and neck
·          Touching breasts
·          Touching and slapping bottom
·          Trying to put his hand below the waist
·          Resting head on chest
·          Suggestive comments
·          Talking about sexuality
·          Asking about my sexuality and past abuse
·          Sitting me on his  knees
·          Pulling my head to his knees
·          Tipping me towards him sitting on his knees
·          Pinning me down and lying on the floor or sofa with me and on top of me
Some of this, including sitting me on his knees he admitted to the police when it was investigated.

Emotional games:
·          Saying that people were talking about him and me
·          Telling me off for kissing his cheek while he was ok to kiss lips or neck
·          Telling me what his wife was thinking/saying about me that was negative
·          Refusing to talk problems through while he was talking about me behind my back to church people especially the Vicar and his wife and making out that the problem was just me as I reacted to his behaviour and actions.
·          Making me feel guilty
·          Doing my arms and neck – stroking them constantly, saying he was healing me though this touch is excruciating to a touch sensitive autistic girl
·          Jeering, he does poke fun at people and he poked fun at me a lot including jokes about my weight etc
·          Letting me take responsibility for everything wrong in the friendship
·          The family/not family game where he and his wife were ‘mummy and daddy’ to me, but their sons and family were not told this and were not my ‘brothers’ or family. I felt stupid like a hidden idiot in the attic.
·          Making me feel small, saying I couldn’t come out with the cadets, saying that he and his wife were given money because they ‘had to look after me’ etc. There was no ‘had to’, nor did the other sailing cadet leaders mind me coming sailing.

His wife:
·          Blaming me for everything wrong
·          Calling me a burden
·          Telling me that I was the problem, not the church when I found the church rituals and strange ways of doing things hard to understand
·          Making me feel ashamed of my work, my clothes, my background and unfavourably comparing me with her sons, openly
·          Not being very sensitive about family/not family so that I knew I was not family while her husband was saying I was
·          Getting angry about me saying that her husband had misbehaved

Some of my problems:
·          Having behavioural problems, reactive to wrong situations
·          Not being firmer against adoptive dad being naughty
·          Being rude about St A's church when daddy wouldn’t talk it through
·          Getting very upset with the adoptive parents over my ‘adoption’ being a secret and similar things
·          Not being able to understand the atmosphere, what was expected of me, what was the right thing to do or say, eg leaving the room because I thought mummy  wanted ‘family time’ without me there. Or not going to Sunday lunch with mummy and daddy and family when I was invited after I left them, because I didn’t feel comfortable there. I wasn’t ‘family’, and I felt so ashamed and hurt to sit through ‘family conversations’ after Christmas.
·          Leaving St A's church a and stopping believing in God for a while, that made mummy very upset, the horrible atmosphere of that church and the way daddy behaved caused the first real shaking of the foundations of my faith.
·          Writing a nasty letter or two to the vicar and his wife after I overheard the conversation that daddy had with the vicar’s wife, I doubt that it was the only one. I was being talked about as if I was something terrible while the vicar and his wife had been dishonest with me and refused to talk to me and I was being sexually and emotionally abused by this man.

No comments:

Post a Comment