Wednesday, 27 November 2013

Too late

I think that ordained priests and church staff who condemn or bully an abuse survivor should be sent a copy of the book 'The Shack' and asked to read the message in it until they understand it. It won't equip them with the life experience to understand a survivor and thus treat them better, but it will help them to understand a better perspective.

I was drawn to 'The Shack' earlier today, during the wonderful meeting I had, as there was a copy on the shelf in the room where we met. 

Some church people are scared of this book and get in a flutter, they make excuses including objecting  to God being portrayed as a woman, and other things, and they miss the real and healing meaning in the story. :) God is portrayed as a woman in order to make Him accessible to a man who was abused by his own Father and has a problem with 'God the Father' as a result. The thing is, God is accessible to all, and is not just an angry Father to be afraid of.

I like to read the shack when I am having a bath at my friend's house, then I lie on the rug in my blanket to finish reading it, luxury. I never get tired of it. It is a stunningly written story, understandably harsh on anyone's conscience though.

Moving on, Peter Ould has kindly increased my blog readership. I must send him a copy of the shack as a thank you present :) 

Anyway. Lets talk about things being too late, while I am blogging about anything and everything while I am, apparently not intelligent enough to bring an injunction against the Diocese of Winchester. (actually the cost was the factor, and you can't do it on legal aid very easily).

People say that if I can write like this then I can't be disabled or have learning difficulties. 
Actually the reason I write fluently is because I have had verbal and auditory communication difficulties most of my life, and still do, but I learned to write and have always written in order to counter my verbal communication problems.

My verbal problems have improved dramatically, with help, but I still write straight from my brain to paper more fluently than I talk.
My IQ, which is often speculated about, is either 102 or 104, depending on which result you believe. But I find IQ tests very very hard because I cannot focus on them or understand them. But the learning difficulties and challenges I have, mean I do not understand a lot of things as well as I should, so although I am not low IQ, I am also not high in understanding of situations. 

Too Late:

The Police did not prosecute the church warden who I reported, but let him go to untruthfully claim  to the Island church community that he had been cleared, the police told me by email that they were not prosecuting the church warden. They then got me in by force for beating and temporary imprisonment the same day as a punishment for reporting a well-connected islander for abuse, but, being autistic, I failed to get the subtle meaning of being brutalized, thrown around, jeered at and locked in a cell, but I never really recovered from the shock and suffered Post Traumatic Stress and this affected me as my life got steadily worse for reporting the warden.

Too late, this year, and in the middle of the uproar caused by the Diocese of Winchester, the police suddenly decided they had 'new leads' on the Church Warden case, which isn't possible unless they were really really sloppy before, claiming correspondence between me and the Diocese gave them more evidence, which I doubt, as they had copies before, and they wanted to re-open the investigation.
Five years too late and with the damage to me irreparable. Re-open the case now, and cause me more stress than I could possibly cope with, having to give evidence in the climate of hatred that the Diocesan Investigations in Jersey have caused? Crazy.

Anyway, the police decided to re-open the case. I did not ask for this, and was incensed that they advertised it in the media before contacting me.
For me, reopening the case was pointless. For various reasons:
  • The damage to me is done
  • The stress on top of what I have already been going through would be too much if I had to go to court.
  • The case was five years ago, and, not just because of 'the Shack', I have forgiven the man.
  • The churchwarden has a family and he is an old man, he is better off with his family than in a prison that would not cure his tendencies.
  • Because of the extent of the impact of what he did, he will hopefully refrain from such behaviour again. Hopefully.
  • As a wise Catholic in Jersey taught me, the church warden will stand before God and God will deal with it one day. (at the time, in Jersey, I was suffering and so traumatized that this was no comfort, but since becoming a Catholic, I understand better and I do leave it to God).
  • Last but not least, as I told the police, there is unlikely to be an unbiased or impartial judge to put this man up in front of, and he would have some of the best legal advice, no insinuations but he has friends who would help him. It would be a waste of time, money and my health.
Too late for the police to make a token effort, even if they are just doing it because of the publicity generated by the Korris report.

Too Late: 

The Diocese of Winchester launched into a massive public investigation into the Dean and Deanery of Jersey in March this year.
Five years too late.

  • Too late to stop me from being maligned and defamed and shunned in Jersey and reacting
  • Too late to be deemed as fulfilling duty of care
  • Too late to prevent me being harmed by the police
  • Too late to effectively discipline anyone
  • Too late to prevent me being homeless and permenantly scarred psychologically
  • Too late if they thought they would make me feel that justice had been done
Five years later and the other side of a police record I got from fighting, traumatized, for action to be taken and responsibility to be taken. It was too late, it was ineffective and my complaints were not actually at any point properly heard or dealt with, nor did the Diocese consult me and ask what complaint I still had, if any.
Paradoxical how Jane Fisher was always telling me things were in the past, in order to wipe out my trauma, and yet, they dragged up a scenario that was in the past and forgiven, and have caused a lot of further wrongdoing in the Jersey Deanery.
Causing them to sin for no good reason while not effectively dealing with the past has not achieved anything.

And Finally. Too late, the Diocese want to help me.

So they try to arrange help behind my back, five years too late, and when they are responsible for so much damage to me, how many times do they have to go behind my back and force on me and violate my rights before they realise that they get the same reaction every time? 
Five years too late and being the people who damaged me, they are not going to help me. Full Stop.

Here endeth the lesson.


I also caught sight of another book that my church kindly presented to me a few months ago after discussions with them about forgiveness. It is called 'Total Forgiveness', it is a hard learning curve but good teaching, I have forgotten the Author's name, sorry. 

The thing is with forgiveness is, it is a process, no-one should be under pressure to forgive when they are suffering, and I was put under 'instant forgiveness' pressure in Jersey, because a lot of church people have never known much suffering or trauma, and think that they are in a position to preach down to those who have.
Basically, even if someone has been through traumas, even that does not qualify them to tell someone else how to go through their own process of forgiveness.

For me, the process of forgiving the Diocese is going to be ongoing for some time, and it will take a lot of painful therapy sessions too.

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