Saturday, 21 November 2015

While you were sleeping part 1.

Come home Bob:

Recounting memories to you of sitting in hospitals again. This, of course is always the saddest story, and I still cry:

 You looked like you were just sleeping
dreaming of the playtimes of all your children
dreaming of the edge of the granite land
beside the ash tree and the endless road

Dreaming that you were young again
in a world less worn and polluted, more green and sweet,
you are a young man again, strong and proud
watching his children play in the sunshine

maybe you will stay there and remember 
while the children who grew up and flew the nest 
grieve, beyond you happy dream
and I fly above the granite land where we played
and away from you forever, into my own endless darkness.

So I sat there while you lay in the hospital bed.
You didn't seem like you any more and yet you did seem like you as well.
But you weren't really there any more.
You looked like you were just sleeping, but you never woke.

I sat there and hated myself, for having gone away, for not having been there for you. For letting someone else call himself my father so that he could abuse me, just because I had remained afraid of you and the family

In the end, in your last year, we got on OK and you tried to help me out. And that made it feel worse as I sat there. Because I felt I had failed you in every way. I was being shunned and vilified by people who really believed that me reporting abuse was worse than their dishonestly and deceit and abuse. I was in hell, and I felt that you were going to heaven.
I felt what I tend to feel these days, that anyone who gets to leave this world now before it gets worse is almost lucky.
That is an extreme thought but my life has been so dark for so long and already had been when I sat beside you alone when they switched your life support off.

It was three days, and I had to fly back to Jersey in the meantime as there was no-one and nowhere to turn to for help.

Please Mr God
I just want to talk to him
I'll only keep him a while
please Mr God,
I just want to tell him goodbye
tell him Goodbye

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