Monday, 23 December 2013

copied from homeless, historic posts

The way the church have treated me, judged me and damned me is nothing to do with God.
I cannot begin to imagine how these people who falsely called me mad and who lie, even to a court, and excuse themselves on the grounds of mental illness that I do not have, can still claim to be to do with God.

The church are supposed to be there for my spiritual salvation and saving,
instead they have left me lost and sickened when I enter a church.

This was actually written in Jersey and reproduced on 'Homeless' on 01/02/2012

This was written after the abuse by my adoptive father and the end of the relationship and the reporting of the abuse, it is about the sorrow of losing the father I had looked for and about my attempt to keep my faith, and also about my death wish as the pain was so bad. I have changed one line in order to protect identity, It is God I am running to in the last line, I tried so hard to have God as my replacement father:

Beloved Father:
Every night I dream the same,
All the accusation, all the shame,
I am disabled so blame my disability,
For others’ stupidity and irresponsibility,
For others sinful motives I am hurt,
For my reactions to their treatment,
I am wrong because they can’t be,
I am a burden an outcast,
They despise me for my past,

Every night I dream I am running to you,
Outstretched arms, yours are too,
Then you turn away.
I loved you as a daughter loves a father
Why was I accused?
I trusted you,
Why was that trust abused?

But as time goes and memory is gone,
I will go on searching everywhere,
For that shore more beautiful than my home,
He is waiting for me there,
 And I will be a child again,
Running to my Father’s arms with joy.

And this was written on 'Homeless' on 30/01/2012 Keep in mind that it has taken me years to start to recover and I was still very angry and frightened and traumatized when I wrote this:

The church have had their say about me while having me forcibly prevented from giving my evidence because I was locked up and in terror and distress, when do I get to give my evidence while they are treated as I was?

They are the church, I am one hellishly damaged disabled person, when is it going to be equal and the God of justice that they claim to serve allows justice and me to speak and be heard and believed against the great powerful and Godless church that did this to me?

Homeless 30/01/2012:

All denominations and doctrines contain abuse and cover up, and all denominations and doctrines contain good and genuine people who believe and practice what they preach.

I have good and genuine friends in a number of denominations, including the denomination in which I was abused. Some of my friends were abuse victims too.

Homeless 30/01/2012:

The abuser is usually someone well-off, respected in the church, in leadership of some form or another because it is easy for someone who needs to control and be in control to climb the church leadership ladder, it is made for them.

And the victim? Usually isolated due to poverty, disability or illness or even lack of family in the too often middle class family focussed churches.
The Diocese of Winchester is almost without exception a Diocese of Wealthy churches and I was a misfit.

(23/12/13 I actually named the diocese here in the post, probably by accident, because during the time I was writing 'homeless' I normally changed names as I was on the run and fearful that the Diocese would have me captured again)

So what happens? The potential victim is spotted by the potential abuser, the potential abuser offers attention to the isolated potential victim, and if they respond, as many will because they want to belong, to be accepted, to be less alone, then the abuser gradually takes them over, making them feel accepted and slowly introducing the abuser's own agenda. And either the abuser gets what he wants, or he gets what he wants to a certain extent and then the victim puts a stop to it and returns to isolation or alienation and with the burden of consceince but no reporting of the matter, or they report the abuser who is in a strong position while they are in a weak one, and suffer the consequences of the church's reaction to a 'favourite' being reported by an 'outsider' of the tight circle of church leaders and politics

Where is God in this as it happens thousands of times over?

How can it be that church leadership are sometimes as far from Christianity as it is possible to be, while they 'lead' what is supposed to be a Christian organization?

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